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Sunday, September 8th, 2002
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11:20 am - wow. just. wow.
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today was such and awesome amazing beautiful day. I am in total awe of today.
started off bright and early with services. i accually enjoyed them. there were very unitarian, but still very jewish. it was great. i liked them. now i want a tiny silver star of david to go on the same chain as my chalice.
straight from services in newton i took a train to the hatch shell. accually got there early. i cant explain how awesome that show was. dashboard...holy fuck...i heart dashboard. There were so many people i knew there. every single time i turned around there was another person that i havnt seen in eternity that i jumped and hugged and hugged some more. i cant even name them all...but ill try
shelly tim jared procter mal alex laurel jody phil chris liz meggie greg liam jay jahmez blake jackson isa rage x casper skot grace ravan reggie heathervail kateleslie...
and so many more. fuck
i also took 20mgs of aderal. which made everything calm and mellow and beautiful, but also crazy and shakey and over whelming. but i really liked it. alot
dashboard is just so wonderful... i cuddled with jody for over an hour laying on the matt staring at the trees and the perfectly blue sky and the beauty of everything. jody is wonderful and superb, and i heart him to mass amounts. moved up to where we could see the stage and watched for a few songs. we swayed to the music, his arms around me, listening to dashboard, awwwww.
the show ended around 5ish. a little after. we all waited around for a while then a group of us started heading off to newbury st. me, shelly, tim, alex, chris, jody, phil. as we walked across the bridge we run into skot and grace and some of them. i had seen them once at the show, said hi got a hug and deadly glares, didnt see them after that though.
didnt say much, if anything, to skot.
went down to the station where we run into them again and we all stand and talk and stuff. tim tells me grace and skot broke up last night cuz of the shit i told skot about what grace said about me. skot has no intrest in me, why was i the cause of a fight? grace was beyond pissed at me, but we did talk a little. apparently shes good friends with bassil. ha. they were gonna join us at newbury st, but grace wanted to go change. and skot followed her. they didnt call for a few hours, when they did it was from her bedroom, so i assume they made up. which is good.
so the eight of us chill on newbury st for a while. walking talking getting money etc. left around 8 with the destination of my house. jody and phil take a train back to reading, chris and the rest of the gang joins us. we catch nick onquist coming out of the train, and he joins us back to my house. we stop at harvard to catch a bus, spend about 20 minutes in the pit and go home.
kelsey and kitty join us. everyone was all mellow and tired and drained and listening to modest mouse and dashboard. it was beautiful. people leave right b4 11 and i crash a little while later.
right now i am talking to matt. I am totally in love with this one. more then anything, and its so wonderful.
rock on
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, September 6th, 2002
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4:43 pm
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why does skot have to be so cunfusing????
why couldnt he just stay a rapist so i dont have to worry about it and forget about him like i did for a month.
dammit
hes denying everything and gonna talk to grace about the 'rumors' she spread.
grace hates me. alot
i told him i wasnt gonna fuck him, and if that was what he was after he should just stop now.
he said he wasnt that determined, altough he wouldnt mind, that wasnt what he was after.
hes gonna be at the dashboard show tomorrow
so is jared i think.
i refuse to hook up with skot in front of jared
i also refuse to hook up with jared in front of skot. i think
oh boy
so this is what im going to do.
ill meet up with skot, but i wont let myself me alone with him. and my friends probably wont let me hook up with him, and if they do, never more then making out, so it will all be good. but i dont even think that much will happen. cuz shelly and tim prob wont. yeah.
and if jared's there. then nothing will happen, things will just be odd. and mest up.
sigh. i like how matt is being all protective of me. sigh. matt...i heart u more then anything.
and for more guyage....
i wish joel will finally decide if hes an asshole or a cool kid. or if he feels like putting effort into anything or not. hes so cumbuzzling.
sigh. guys. sigh.
(one entry, only about 4 guys, im so good)
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 5th, 2002
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6:23 pm - september fucking fifth
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"First, there's the schools, where you have to leave the Constitutionand all your rights at the door. They tell you what to think, where to sit, what to wear. They tell you what you can and can't read. They try to tell you what to think.
The whole school is set up for other people - jocks and preppies, sports. You are not valued at all. You are constantly taunted, humiliated, elbowed, laughed at. The classes are boring and most of the teachers dont care if you live or die. People hate you for having ideas, for talking about them, for being different."
Geeks
by Jon Kate
So my first day of sophmore year.
It wouldnt be so bad if i knew it wouldnt last for eternity
It feels like we just got a short break, like this is a continuation of last year. that soon it will be over. no such luck.
my classes in a nutshell
~Honors Bio. first period everyday. excellent. the teacher is so good though. everyone whose had him loved him. its just gonna be a shitload of work. which i expected. shelly's in that class. yay
~Gym. they put me in the wrong class. so im in workout. with rayner. fuck i hate her. and i hate workout. im hoping to switch.
~English. This will be a good class. I like the teacher. kids sorta suck, but i have becki. first time ive been in her class since 6th grade. same as shelly.
~History. the kids here suck. majorly. but i think the teacher will be ok. most people loved him. he seemed the opposite of chebator. like the things he said i really liked, but he looked so bored and not wanting to be there. it was weird.
~Math. only 8 kids in my class. the teacher is iffy. dont know about her yet. seems like the basic old mrs teacher.
~3D art. this will be a good class. filled with freshmen. LTM is in it. as is sama. oh that is great. hes prob switching out thought. that makes me sad. but freshmen...
~spanish. i will see tomorrow. i am dreading it.
i hate this school. i cried as i walked in. i hate i hate it i hate it. i hate it!
gimme drugs let me sleep
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 4th, 2002
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11:49 am
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i fell asleep last night listening to dashboard over and over for hours and crying. Crying over missing matt, missing love, missing summer, missing freedom, missing everything that will end tomorrow. The summer hold so much potential, which is immediately killed by school. I cry over the thought that nothing will be like this summer. Next summer will be completly different. School will ruin everything this summer brought, but also start a new hope for a future. Maybe friendships will majikaly sprout out of the halls. But nothing like friendships and loves of this summer. i cry because i know i will continue to change, and i dont know if i want too. i cry because 180 days is eternity. i cry because i will only be a sophmore, barely above freshman status. i cry because i feel so much above that and will be shoved down to that status for a year. i cry because dashboard confessionals are so emo and wonderful. i cry because i dont want to let go of what i am now. i cry because i am afraid i will lose everything and turn into what ive fought agaist and lose my sense of being. i cry because im such a little emo girl and thats what us emo kids do.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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11:43 am - does this makes sense to anyone?
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The way I see it is this…
The way people judge others. I don’t understand. People’s lives are completely their own. Every person should be viewed and governed by them. Laws should be for safety and protection only. I don’t understand why people care what others do if it doesn’t pertain to them. What a person thinks of themselves is up to them, and nobody should depend on others for their moods emotion or self esteem. Every person has power over themselves and their minds. The body is an independent machine.
Who I am with or not with should matter to nobody besides the people it directly effects.
The word slut does not make sense. Who a person does whatever with is their business. It is their life. Nobody can put them down for their actions. For they are their own. As long as nobody, including themselves, was hurt by the fault of another, the business is personal.
Once people start thinking learning living for themselves they are free. Change the way you think and see and you will be free of everything. Except yourself. Learn that you have power over everything about you. But no power over anyone else. You are a strong machine.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, September 2nd, 2002
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9:36 pm - where am I?
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fuck i hate goodbyes.
labor day weekend on ferry beach.
aw man
love life, love people, love love, love emotion, love everything that you got
love sleepless nights
~~~~~
im in such a sentimental mood. so tired so mellow so out of it
talking to someone. trying to tell her that she doesnt need to kill herself. im gonna become a psychologist. i think im giving some good advice. im so mellow
love friends who will love you forever
love summer
hate goodbyes
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 28th, 2002
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10:23 pm - Illinois
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8/22/02 - 8/28/02
you want me to change
change my style
change my hair
change my jewlery
change my opinions
change my speach
change my history
change my religion
you need me to change
because you cant handle
my style
my hair
my jewlery
my opinions
my speach
my history
my religion
if you knew what would you do?
I've always been the weird one
not to be touched
just stared at
at a distance
asking questions
personal shit
that I dont know how to answer
I'm aware of my every motion
and so are you
what did i do wrong this time?
I'm sorry is a hair out of place?
did I leave my shoes on the floor?
did I get a speck of dust on your expensive rug?
Children should be seen and not heard
Just watched over
pushed around
and Im the one that
you dont know what to think about
Im the freak
But Ill be on my best behavior
I do the necissary chores
Ill be polite
Ill keep my mouth shut
even if it means I never say
a word the entire week
Yes, I'll mold into one of you
For this week I"ll change
Why? because you are
my relatives and because
I love you.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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10:15 pm - Random Security Checks
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Random Security Checks
"May I search your bag Ma'am?
we think you might have a weapon
or some dynamite set to bomb setting
oh wait its just a can of cookies
I'm sorry Ma'am, can i have one?
You sir, what's in your pack?
just a laptop you say?
What do you do for a living?
Could you unwrap your turban sir?"
In this paranoid country
where we cant bring on a
plastic knife
but can carry on a
box of lobsters
Which do you think
could do more damage?
"May I see photo I.D. please?
This is only the sixth time
we'll ask
believe me, you'll be
asked six more."
oh please, pretty please,
could I hijack you all
with a spork?
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 20th, 2002
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1:09 pm - summer's not over yet...really its not
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this summer has been amazing so far. deffinatly the best summer of my life. it feels like everyday something happened that changed me in some way or i learned something new that i will never forget.
The summer started off with star island. That was aww....that was just simply amazing. I had a month after star where i was in town. Belmont everyday. made a new posse that is everything awesome and great. And the pit... i havnt been there in 3 weeks, but when i did go, i learned so much and made many new connections and opened my eyes to so many new things. My new friends from belmont and random shows and skankin and skankin and skankin...
Then i go camping with laurel and my mom. i meet alot of new people there, learn alot of shit, do alot of shit..etc etc.
I come back for a week and leave again for ferry beach. ferry beach was...so so so amazing and wonderful and awesome and such. read the last entry.
i go to illinios in 2 days. then back to ferry beach for labor day weekend. i'm so fucking excited. i get to see everyone and matt again.
This summer has also been a major self-esteem booster. I've realized i'm above what i thought i was before. I grown into a real person, and i let that person show though. bassically i'm not who i was during the school year. and i have made so many new friends who accually like who i am, and who im really friends with. and although most of those are YRUU, i opened up to so many people this summer. I have so many circles of friends, and they all kick ass.
I feel like i've grown so much this summer, and obviously not hight wise. This summer is nothing what i expected. It was so much better. And when i go back to school, it wont suck as much as it did last year. Cuz last year my friends from school where the friends i depended on, and i had 2 friends from school. last year i thought school was all i could do, and there was nothing outside of it. This year school is for academics,and thats it. I dont give a shit about the social scene, cuz i have the outside world on my side. All my friends from home(belmont) cons, star, FERRY, everyone else, they are the ones who matter and not the idiots trapped in my school.
rock on.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, August 17th, 2002
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8:13 pm
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i just got a phone call from tim saying that shelly's dad might not last it through the night. i'm so scared. shelly i love u so much, i will do absolutly anything to help you. i love you i love you!
i got home from ferry beach today. i cant explain how super fantastically amazing it was. It was so much different then star. so much. i dont know if it was better or worse. but it was amazing.
the main thing that made tli so much better then star was that at star i never felt accepted. i was the young little freshman. 2 years younger then everyone there. i stuck with the two people i knew and the very few people i connected with. but it was certainly not accepting to me. TLI was the first place i felt totally and completly accepted and part of the community, and liked by people, and just part of it. it was such a great feeling. i'm wasnt at the bottom of the pecking order, i was an equal with everyone. there was not one person who i felt was unapproachable. there was not one person was wasnt accepting. it was so amazing. ive never felt that before.
so many memories. so so so many. i dont know what will happen if i forget anything.
i became so much closer to people from cons whom i knew before, but didnt know well. even at past cons i still felt like the little one, and felt sorta cliquie, like there were some people i could talk to and some i couldnt. im glad that now all these wonderful people i became closer to this week will be at cons.
so many relationships got screwed up this week. so much cheating went on. i really need to deal with greg. i really need to either break up with him or have an open relationship. i dont know what to do, i care about him so much, but this just totally isnt working out. we used to be such good friends b4 we went out, then we went out and just stopped talking. ive seen him twice since we've started going out. and at meggies party...i have no idea what happened there. i really need to talk to him, but i have no idea what to say.
jeremy foster is such a kick ass person, thanks for all the help and love.
im listening to dashboard confessionals, and about to cry. i hated them a week ago. like a passion against them. see what emotion does to me? matt...matt... you are so amazing, this week was too great, i hate goodbyes. i love you
now im crying. damn dashboards. damn memories. i love you matt, i miss you, where are you? why arnt with me? here? why arnt i gonna see u again? your hair, its everywhere...i love u.
i dont know what to do about greg, im so scared about shelly, i dont want to be home, i dont want to go to illinios in 3 days. i hate illionios. i want to be at ferry with everyone i love. i love you all. so much. i hate how everything life changing and amazing and wonderful is a week long, and a year apart. i hate goodbyes. i hate waiting 2 months between cons, nevermind a year between star, a year between tli. i dont want to go to illinois.
so kiss me hard, 'cause this will be the last time that i let you
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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7:47 pm - memories. i love you.
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I'm missing your bed, I never sleep. Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak, and this bottle of beast is taking me home. I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets. You're not alone and you're not discreet. You make sure I know who's taking you home. I'M READING YOUR NOTE OVER AGAIN. There's not a word that I comprehend, except when you signed it "I will love you always and forever." AS FOR NOW I'M GONNA HEAR THE SADDEST SONGS AND SIT ALONE AND WONDER HOW YOU'RE MAKING OUT. But as for me I wish that I was anywhere with anyone making out. I'm missing your laugh, how did it break? And when did your eyes begin to look fake? I hope you're as happy as your pretending. I'M MISSING YOUR BED, I never sleep. Avoiding the spots where we'd have to sleep, and this bottle of beast is taking me home. YOUR HAIR, IT'S EVERYWHERE. Screaming infidelities, taking its wear.
"I will be yours as long as you want me to be, and them some."
...i love you so much and i cant imagine going a year without seeing you, you mean so much to me, never forget this past week. i love you...
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, August 9th, 2002
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6:52 pm - farewell once again
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seems like i just got back. oh wait, i did just get back.
my rents are pissed. like they know i did more then just get a ride back, but they dont know what. they are so suspicious and on my back and arg. im glad i'm leaving.
saw shelly last night. and tim and kelsey.
and jared. aw jared.
now my moms conviced im going out with jared. i find that amusing.
aw shelly, i heart u so much.
i cant believe i'm seeing everyone tomorrow.
fuck, even mr timwing himself.
even jody. wow. everyone.
ill be home the 17th. then leaving again the 22. fuck. fuckfuckfuck illinios. fuck fuck fuck i hate it so much!.
rock on
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| Thursday, August 8th, 2002
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1:45 pm - birthday.....august 5th......
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hmmm...didnt write anything about my bday. silly becksie
it was mostly a normal day. nothing extremely crazy happened. well besides kelsey, but hes crazy anyways. i chilled with becki all day. she gave me a really cool gift. similar to last years. its the sentimental things that i love. :) she spent lotsa money on random junk and we had a picnic in her old rickity treehouse. at around 9 that night, tim, kelsey, chuckie, and mike(why?) showed up. chucking and mike drove to shanghi village, the rest of us walked. they never showed up. i learned later mike was petrified by my friends. i expected as much. chuckie would have stayed. chinese food was closed so we went to ahop. ate there. zhiyuan showed up! got Less Than Jake from tim!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JOHNNY QUEST!!!! ahhh losing streak ahhhh. and this crazy mix from kelsey with the coolest craziest note in it! and sea monkeys from zhiyuan! sea monkeys! i think i already killed them. hmmm. walked back to becki;s house. found 2 lonely shopping carts on the way. tim and kelsey decided to have shopping cart fights. kelsey is smart and takes off his bag. tim doesnt and ends up breaking the huge bottle of alchohal in his bag. so his bag was dripping. but i dont think he got in trouble. the night was really fun, nothing too crazy...well besides kelsey, but thats normal. my friends rock.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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1:34 pm - thoughs and hopes
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depression is a crazy thing. for me, its like one thing will get me all worked up and feeling horrible, and then i look back at the past few hours, days, weeks, and remember all the bad things, how nothing had seemed to go right. its scary when i think that. it scares me because it reminds me of those 2 months where nothing did go right, everyting i tried failed, everything i touched broke. for exactly 2 months. But i dont let myself go back there. cuz when it seemed like i had no control when that period of depression started or ended, i learned that i know i now do. Then it was out of my control, now it isn't. the things that get me down now are just tiny things in the big picture. i can get all mest up over an occurence for a few hours, days, possibly weeks(prob not), but the things i deal with now will not last forever. so what if i get grounded, or plans fell through? ill get over it and move on in a few days.
the reason i know i will never go back to that pit of depression is because i found that constant light. the yruu community was the sole thing in my life that lifted me out of that pit. good things happen bad things happen, but yruu is the greatest constant. as long as i have that, nothing i will have to deal with will effect me to the extremes that they could have before. and when i have those days when i look back and wonder if theres a pattern forming, i look ahead and see more events that im smiling. and these images are garenteed because i have yruu even if everything else fails.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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1:32 pm - fuckfuckfuckfuck
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yesterday i met my good friend tarek at the mall. who happened to be 2 hours late. my mom dropped me off at the mall, then expected me to take a 7:00 bus back. my parents were suspicious from the start cuz, well they always are. i have another friend named tarek. the other tarek is from qatar and i havnt seen him in over a year. last summer we were a thing. he was like my second experience with a guy, and i obsessed over him. he came back for a few weeks in december, and i did everything in my power to see him, but everything fell through. i had all these ideas of when i finally saw him again...so tarek from here wanted to meet the other tarek, so we go to his house. i'm not allowed to do that. be in a car with someone, or leave, or see tarek, or be in a house with no adult. we go to tareks house, smoke, and such. i dont even get a real hug out of him, he barely talks to me. he was the total opposite of what he was last year. it was the most dissapointing thing. then we got extremely lost going back. got in a car accident! in an unregistered car with weed on us. it was so fucked up. it was really bad. and to top that all off, we got caught. so i'm in deep shit and such. and i'm really sad over tarek. but ill get over it.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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1:27 pm - other random events
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i got my star year book! yippie! it rocks so hard. wow. star.
jareds back. jareds back. jareds back. must i say more?
laurel and i now talk like kelsey. ack. look what a week away does to me! word.
shit with skot got more complicated. excellent
gregs outta town. grrrr
tli tli tli tli tli tli tli tli tli tli tli
parents sucks, but i'm trying to get to the point where all their bitching just slides right past. like when i got back from camp and they instantly start yelling, i just shrugged and didnt get worked up about it. i wish it was always like that.
modestmousemodestmousemodestmousemodestmousemodestmousemodestmousemodestmousemodestmousemodestmousemodestmouse
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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1:05 pm - camping from july 28-august 4th
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I spent the past week in NH at a communist socialist summer camp retreat center. I brought laurel along, which i was thankfull for cuz it took a really long time to connect with anybody. The first half of the week was disapointing, the only teenagers there were preppie athletic girls left over from soccer week. only one guy. I have no idea how to act around a group of girls, which is why most of my friends are guys, and the few female friends i have i have known forever.
my mom tagged along until thursday, when my dad showed up. we met frieda who became the third person in our slowly growing posse. frieda is extremely cool. shes 18 and backpacking around europe for a year, starting in a week. shes also in the circus. she taught me alot about more wiccan stuff. i learned about runes again, which i had forgotten since my obsession. ruthie joined our threesome, shes only 12, but shes really cool. Then there were the sisters anjeli and amanda. 14 and 12. cool kids. had a good late night/early morning convo with the eldest. jaye is also 12 but really cool. reminds me alot of my cousing molly. on thursday things got more interesting. my mom stopped bugging us, plus we got our own room, so we were more on our own. did a shitload of ouiga shit. if u want those stories, ask. yeah alot of shit happened there. random people stayed over in our room the last 3 nights. the last night was extremely crazy and sketchy and weird and icky. if u want those details ask as well.
other random info about the week:
i got more misquito bites then i can count.
laurels hole is really deep and will soon be able to devour an entire person.
i was left in a conoe late at night on the lake while my friends swam off...i was the sacrifice to the meese.
if anyone knows anything about krimly...
this week was extremely relaxing and just so so relaxing.
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1:02 pm - uh oh here i go again
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the next five entries are entries i have written, just havn't gotten a chance to post them. so use ur imagination and pretend there were accually posted on the correct day. thank u
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, July 27th, 2002
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10:45 pm
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to add to the extreme amount of stress....
zhiyuan is allergic to alchohal. meaning his liver cant process it. it just continues going through his system and he reacts really bad. earlier today he took ant-acids, which shut off ur liver. then he got shitfaced. we had the joyous experience of forcing him to go to the hospital to get his stumach pumped. with all the stress these past few days i'm so fucking tense and pissed and wound up.
but i saw kurt/greg. went to pizza, and somehow forgot to tell will and tim and rage where i was going. so they assumed i was off getting raped. hmm..wonder why they would think that. so they spent 20 minutes searching frantically for me. yeah. stress.
i'm gone for a week. i'm gonna try to call tim from a payphone, but if i cant oh well. and if zhiyuan dies tonight, well, then we're all fuct.
goodbye farewell
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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5:57 pm - farewell civilization
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well i'm supposed to be packing now. i'm leaving tomorrow. for a week. i assumed u already knew that. alot of shit has happend. if u read some comment u get the deal with skot, and that sorta sucks. ummm. i'm going camping with laurel for a week.
i woke up today by tim and will calling. chilled with them for a few hours very early this morning at 12:30pm. interesting time. i hope will's ok. he got FREE dental treatment, cuz, well, it was sorta an emergency. props to gental dental. all the respect i lost for them yesterday was gained. so yeah. interesting day.
so i'll be gone for a week. dont miss me too much. ill be with laurel, so most likely i can steal her phone. but dont get ur hopes up.
much love to all of you. except skot. he deserves every ass kicking hes gonna get. dont dont kill him. please.
current music: random radio down the hall is blaring something...i think.
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