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Saturday, January 29th, 2005
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1:51 am
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Hey peeps. I'm trying to get to bed earlier tonight (which is why I'm not on AIM), but I will recap what happened last night/today.
( I was depressed last night, I talk about the trigger (which might be of interest to some of you), I thought about hurting myself, but decided to look at Marilyn Monroe pics instead. Oh yeah and I talk about how I can make a difference in the world, I just have to try, 'cause I'm a survivor yay! Did I mention I hate lj-cuts? )
Anyway. I went to bed in the early afternoon, and then in the evening (I was still in bed), I got a call from Jess, who (no offense here), talked my ear off. lol! I mean, I just picked up the phone and she started talking, and I didn't even say "Hey it's Jasper!", it was just so crazy. Apparently her doctor visit didn't go well and they want to do some IV thing (WTF!), so...that's not good. I said I might do another spell, but I really should sleep soon as my sister might visit tomorrow. So, maybe tomorrow evening, I don't know. It was great to hear from her, but it was just like... o_O; Hehe. I like talkative people though, quiet people I can't stand sometimes for some reason, because it's like...WTF am I supposed to do SAY SOMETHING DANG IT!!! I dunno if it's because I can't tell what they're feeling as much, or I don't know what's on their mind, or what they want, or what to do, or what, but seriously it's like... *insert angry face here* Heh. Mostly it's just quiet guys, though. Quiet girls I think are cute. Quiet guys I think are dangerous, probably. You know, quiet guy serial killer OMG! Haha okay well... Enough randomness from me I guess. I'll see you all later. Later!
~Jasper
current mood:  contemplative
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| Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
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7:53 am
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The fact that you guys didn't say anything about my drunken posts depresses me, but hey at least I made drunken posts. Always wanted to do that.
In other news, the evening when I got drunk (before I got drunk), Mum and I had this big crazy cry/yell fight (well, I was doing that, Mum was being some sort of callous robot), and this all started because I said I wanted therapy. That's pretty funny, huh? Mum was being so callous and stupid, kept asking why I was sad, like I shouldn't have any problems because I don't ever leave the house (which makes things worse, duh), and she was just being totally stupid trying to make me like JUSTIFY my pain. It was the most retarded thing ever, and she mentioned how she wanted to die or some such thing and I suggested she have therapy and she's all "Leave me out of this" even though she was saying how she has problems too and blah blah crap. I mean, she is so ashamed of actually having any sort of psychological difficulty that she's crippled. I hate it when anyone's ashamed of anything, it's so stupid, I'm not ashamed of anything, really, I admit it when something's true and that is that. No embarrassment, no crap, just me, plain old honest me, and I can't be anything different.
So after all that Mum started to be, you know, nicer, which was like forced at first but it became believable and maybe she realized *gasp* that I've had an ongoing struggle with psychological problems. And I want help. No big deal. So, we're arranging to get me some therapy and maybe medication. I don't like medication because it distorts brain chemistry and can limit creativity, but I just don't care anymore, I know it will be temporary anyhow, and if I can temporarily get enough motivation to do stuff, then I'll get out of this rut I'm in.
Today I also discovered that I really like Jethro Tull. I mean whee. I downloaded a lot of their songs tonight. Also I requested some of their albums from the library, as well as a lot of Doors (because y'all know I'm Jim Morrison reincarnated. ;P), and Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, and Neil Young, and just...music yay. Because lately, I've been getting on the computer every night and listening to music in the background and have gone through all of my albums, really. Which...yeah. That's a lot of music right there. Anyway I like that music and I've wanted to check it out for a while and this is an even better excuse. Also I requested "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", because I keep hearing about it and I haven't seen it yet. Given that I feel pretty crazy lately, I'm sure I'll relate. :P So...what else. I don't know. When Mum and I were arguing and whatever, I really would have killed myself, I think. I have enough oleander to do it, too, but I won't, especially if I can get better. I haven't partied enough yet in this body to leave it. ^_~
So, last night, drunk, yeaaaaah... Heh heh. Well, so Cate drank a bit, and it sounded like fun, so I started drinking too. Also, like, Lisa's birthday, I needed to drink for her 21st since she wouldn't do enough of it herself, heehee. Well, suffice it to say I drank a lot of STRONG stuff, since I have such an abnormally high tolerance. Yet I did get tipsy/drunk/whatever, and that was fun. The morn of the 25th I decided to go outside walking whilst drunk, which was...interesting. There was snow on the ground and it was 19 degrees fahrenheit outside, so...you do the math. I stopped stumbling after...a while, lol. I was of course coordinated enough to not actually stumble but I just sorta...let myself, too, kinda. Hehe. I waved at passing-by cars like a loony. I'm sure they thought me insane. I listened to Iron Butterfly while doing this, singing from time to time, just being weird. I walked for two hours in the snow. I wasn't even all that drunk the whole time. It was great to get out and walk again, I haven't got to do a lot of it now that it's cold, but it's good for me. I did it everyday in the summer and autumn religiously, but now...eh. I think I may walk more these days, even if it is cold, if I really want to. I'm tough. I can handle the freezing weather here and climb a mountain in Arizona in 120-degree-weather, with less than 5% humidity in the air. And I have a really good alcohol tolerance and I never get hangovers. I may look like a tall, thin, alien-type, but I'm surprisingly physically strong (not that I surprise myself, heh), and rather resilient. Yay. So! Not completely useless, either. Hmmm, maybe when people suggest I should be a ranger they're not too off... *ponders*
Aw, man, look, I'm totally off a good sleep schedule again. *facepalm* Well. Oh well. I might try to stay up all day, or take just a nap but I'd sleep too long anyway... Hmmm, stay up all day? No pressing matters in GtbiDC for me, I think, so I won't have to get on tonight, and then I could sleep at night. Yes. I like this idea. Only with no sleep I couldn't really effectively do that healing spell I wanted to, and...aw crap. ;_; Well, uh. I'll ask the Magic 8-ball, it always gives me a nice cop-out answer, lol. I think that's all from me today, kiddos, so ta-ta for now!
current mood:  cheerful
current music: "Thick as a Brick" - Jethro Tull
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| Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
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6:41 am
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UPDATE:
PLAYING ON DRUM SET WHILE DRUNK AND LISTENING TO JAMES BROWN = NOT GOOD IDEA.
Ow.
*dances about in drunken manner, knocking stuff over* *spins around in chair with arms towards sky* *dances* *etc.*
current mood:  drunk
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6:14 am - Drunken post m0thefUckas!!!
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HOT DAMN.
I had a bad day, but hell I'm fine now. Booze zarking ROCKS.
OW!!
It is Lisa's birthday...well January 24th that is, and she is 21 OMFGW00T. I haven't actually seen her today but Cate mentioned how she was drinking and...yeah. So I started. Anyway, it's my older sister's booze birthday (who is like, MuuuuuuuuuuuuuuCH less of a drinker than moi)!!! AND SHE SHARES HER BIRTHDAY WITH ED HELMS. OH YEAH. He is 31 one. Parallels, only a decade's difference! ROCK! You know him from The Daily Show Lisa, he's all pale and HAWT. Dayum. Man, I am just...yeah. W00T!!
*lol* The incoherentness, it must...amuse you. Oh well. Anyway ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20050208133035im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) courtney_beth was drunk too tonight, and we were talking about the Daily Show and she asked me this difficult question: "Jon, Stephen or Ed - who'd you screw?" OMFGHARD. We were both...yeah....she had to leave for a mysterious reason but she hasn't answered that yet. She DID say that Ed would be third but I'm not teh same way. I sorta..like Ed...eheheheh.
Anyway! WTF was I saying. Oh yeah! And astrologically it's a given that I'd get along with Ed since I get along with my sister. And Jon too, probably, since he's a Sagittarius like me and I haven't met one I haven't jived with. ^_^
Oh also we discussed having Jon for our usage for a while, and I said that what all I'd do with him would depend on how much time I'd have him for my use, and she said "12 hours", and I'm just like OMG I need to make a list of all I'd do now. Hell, it might give someone plot bunnies, and that's always good.
WTF LOSING MY BUZZ I DUN THINK SO. *chugs Wild Irish Rose* My tolerance for F&$#ing bad taste and alcohol = unsurpassed, BITCHES!! HAH.
Anyway uh.... *trails off* Oh yeah, um...I need me a woman. Right now. In my lap. *lol* No really, uh... !)$*^%)!()&%_ Yeah! List! Maybe.
HELL YEAH. I'M A STAY-AT-HOME PIMP. THE BITCHES COME TO ME.
current music: "The Payback" - James Brown = FOOKING AWESOME!!
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| Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
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9:17 pm
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Last night I left this piece of technology behind and pulled on my cold-weather clothes. I put on my hiking boots and my black leather coat. I put on my striped blue gloves and my blue hat and my blue scarf. Everything was so blue, because people say blue looks good on me. I took a cigarette and went outside, where the world was blanketed in snow. It was not as cold as I expected, which was a welcome surprise. I lit the cigarette and began to smoke it. It felt all right. I noticed there was a near-full bright yellow moon on the horizon. It was beautiful, but my sad eyes probably did not appreciate its beauty as much as they could. The night was so quiet, so very still, no life to be found, and it was 6-something-AM. I began to walk on the sidewalk, like I had many times before, smoking along the way. I trudged through the snow in a very pointless manner- I don't even know if I was thinking anything at the time. I just sucked that smoke down, very easily for someone who doesn't usually smoke. I remember I hit it on a "children playing" sort of sign to get rid of the ashes. Eventually it ran out and I threw the butt in someone's driveway and started the walk back home. I noticed my footprints on the sidewalk- the only ones- had taken a gradual sidewinder sort of pattern, left to right, left to right, the whole way, and I hadn't even realized it. I walked up my driveway but then realized that my footprints might be suspicious. I walked back to the mailbox and luckily there was a lot of mail that Mother had neglected to bring in. I brought it in, relieved to cover my tracks.
I went inside, and Mother was not up yet, so I sighed appreciatively. I set the mail on my loveseat and took off my winter apparel, smelling everything to make sure the smell of smoke did not cling to them. It only did to my gloves, which I sprayed with Febreeze, and my hair. I find it ironic that before I was musing about how good my hair smelled, like my lavender conditioner and the myrrh incense I was burning, sweet and hypnotic. Yet I knew I would be throwing that away as soon as I lit the cigarette and sure enough it was gone. I laid down on the couch for a bit, feeling queasy and sedated. I decided some bread and butter would be in order so I sliced some and ate it. I can't really remember how many times I brushed my teeth- once or twice. I did my usual bedtime things, because I figured I had to, and then I went up to my room and burned some incense to cover the smell in my hair. I stuck my face in the smoke and it made my eyes itch and become drier. However I realized that the scent of the smoke of this particular incense was not that unlike the smell already in my hair. So, I put it out and began to rub lavender leaves on my hair, which only worked temporarily and the smell came back, but I think it worked a bit. I got some nearby perfume and sprayed it on my pillowcase and went to sleep. When I awoke, my hair smelled mostly normal, in some places still smelling faintly of cigarettes, others smelling quite like the perfume- sweet with hints of ylang ylang and jasmine.
Last night I really did want to smoke another cigarette and I really did think about perhaps taking up smoking, which I've always been against. However I might regret that later, and I certainly don't want to look like a hypocrite, although at this point no one really gives a damn about what I think, so much so that I can apparently do anything and no one will point out my hypocrisy. It is fun to be that small, really. I am ashamed of myself, I still might do it but I don't know... It would be so hard to always try to cover it up and I would hate to be addicted to anything. Walking out there, though, the thought occured to me that I could legally do this, and that was freedom, and that felt good. It doesn't really matter, though, I guess. At least I didn't cut myself, you know, I could say that, but what's worse, honestly? At least cutting isn't addictive. I mean yeah I did it too much in the old days but it didn't feel good. I didn't like it at all, I hated it quite frankly. But when I did people cared, people looked concerned and they hugged me and that felt good, to matter like that. For people to pay attention to me, for people to realize that I was in pain because there was no way I could say it that people would understand. Yet if I do something really desparate, if I manifest it some other way, then it's real, then they can know an iota of how I feel and then they try to help me. I don't really want help though. I don't even know what I want. I could say what I'd like to have- a lover, money, friends, fame, compassion, heartlessness, something...but even if I had the whole world it wouldn't be enough. I would just want more. I always want more. Or I always want it to be different. You could do everything I asked of you and it still wouldn't satisfy me, I would want you to just know what to do, and if you did I would still feel lonely and empty and I don't know why or what's wrong with me...
*sigh* What am I to do? Where am I to go? Who will help me help myself? Does anyone care that much?
current mood:  blank
current music: "Old Man" - Neil Young
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6:25 am
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I want to cry a massive river of tears and drown them all. I want to kiss them and smother them in love. I want to do something that isn't just pain. I want a fight that isn't in vain. I want to see another sunset of red and gold. I never want to suffer, I never want to get old. I want the clouds and the cold to go away. I want to see a brighter day. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I would cry my tears and yet I would drown myself and no one else. I wish someone could make me feel better. I wish I just wasn't alive so I wouldn't have to worry about any of this world. I wish I was something that was carefree, like a butterfly or a flower. Yet I'm like one of them crushed under the foot of tyranny and hopelessness and despair. Don't tell me what to do just love me and love me and tell me it will be all right. Don't worry if it will just make me cry. Don't smother me don't grab me with your phantom arms and drag me down and pretend I don't exist. I exist you miserable fuckers I exist I'm important I should be loved you have no idea how I feel I wish you could say the perfect thing and make me smile. I wish I could cry forever then someone might care I want the tears to start again start you miserable pathetic excuses for eyes. You're blue and blue and blue and yet you never show enough pain to them you sparkle when I smile and I smile so much people like me better that way I wish they knew how I felt. Oh I don't want you to leave this is what brought it all on and I don't want to feel alone always keep in touch I need a friend I need friends... I want to be my worst enemy I want to be what I hate the most at least I'd have fame and success and I'm sure someone would date me and I'm sure I could make them and really it doesn't matter I don't care about being moral all I care about is being pleased that's all. Oh god I've hit my cat before I bet you all hate me he was just being mean and hurting me and wasn't acting like he loves me and I hit my mother before too because of that and you all hate me you all hate me so much I try to be a good person, when I'm honest you hate me so much so I act cute and happy all the time you love that you love that up and I can't even say how I feel so I'm on the inside I'm just so stifled I can't breathe I can't say how I feel no one will have sympathy or understand I can't confess I can't just be honest when I'm upset because you'll hate me goddammnit what the HELL is so WRONG WITH MY FEELINGS?! I want people to quit undermining my confidence and believe in me otherwise look I just cry and you'll just hate me for that too. YOU'RE JUST LIKE MY FATHER. Tell me something I want to hear- whisper it softly in my ear- tell me it will be all right- be there when I turn off the light- hold me close never let me down- never let me wear a frown- never ever let me down, never ever let me down...
current mood:  depressed
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6:09 am
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Dear World:
You fucking suck. You all fucking suck. Rick Santorum sucks. Everyone sucks. The whole Republican majority can go fucking choke on a pretzel. Whoever had the bright idea of killing everyone I know at the same time sucks. Whoever made my mother start acting like a Nazi sucks. I think I may have cancer and you all fucking suck for that. All of you who want to abandon me suck. I wish I could just die right now I'm not going anywhere and you all know it and I just hate everything I just can't stand it anymore
Please just LET ME BE HAPPY. LET ME HAVE HAPPINESS FOR ONCE IN MY GODDAMN LIFE. I WISH I WAS DEAD.
current mood: crushed
current music: "The Drowning Man" - The Cure
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5:58 am
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...
*heads hits desk*
...Suicide?
current mood:  shocked
current music: "Battleflag" - Lo-Fidelity All Stars
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| Friday, January 21st, 2005
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5:32 am - Wee I'm happy!!
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I think everything is going to work out all right. ^_^ Mum loved her birthday presents today. She was liek OMG REAL ELIZABETH TAYLOR PERFUME W00T! lol. She never had "real" perfume before, just cologne or something, I dunno the difference but anyway she likes it and yay.
My sister really rocks for trying to make everything work out for me.
I got into a debate with Tucker Carlson in GtbiDC as Howard Dean and GAWD IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A LIBERAL AGAIN. I mean, the other day, I was just thinking about how I love the Democratic Party- it's something I feel I actually belong in. And, so, yeah, playing a Democrat who's as stubborn and passionate as I am? Is love. Hehehe. I suppose I missed the political part of the rpg with him, it just turned into drama and it was like...argh. Anyway, there can be a little more drama with him again though, I guess, but I'm going to keep him back in, because he's gonna be the next DNC chair. Hehe!
Well, I feel good, and that is good, and I have a dentist appointment tomorrow/later. So I need to get enough sleep and still have time for getting ready. -_-;; Wish me luck that they don't find anymore cavities and stuff.
current mood: content
current music: "What A Day for a Daydream" - Lovin' Spoonful
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| Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
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1:34 am
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Just thought all of you might like to know that I'm incredibly lonely at the moment. Not that I should feel that way, since ratherfreakish might come and visit me in Indy during one of her breaks which would be OMGSOAWESOME! I could take her to Broad Ripple (our hippie area with a bunch of great vintage clothes stores and hippie-type stores), and we could do karaoke, and we would just have a damn good time, I would hope. So...w00t.
And yet, I have these random loneliness bouts, especially when good news comes up. I suppose it's because things in GtbiDC have been lonely crap for me, and I really do think sdragon is just saying Satan and Tucker will get back together and they really won't, just because it seems like there's really no plans for that, and Satan hasn't gotten action/significant-other-type-love in a while and he was getting a lot of one or other of those for a while, and...well. It's just a roleplay, I know, it's silly, but it feels like I can't connect to anyone anymore, even in a fake sort of way, and it just sucks so much to feel like that. I can shrug it off most of the time but...yeah. *sigh*
Really, I am happy about maybe being visited, that would be completely awesome, and I beamed about that for like a half an hour but then...yeah. I think it's the BPD, I really don't want to seem ungrateful or anything, I know I'm loved somewhere. Bah.
Oh, yeah, Gov. Mitch Daniels made his first State of the State Adress tonight, and it was pretty cool, actually. He actually said he'd raise taxes for the RICH! Awesome. Even though he's a Repub, that's pretty !&$%(!&$% but like, he might not be as bad as I first thought. If any of you heathen Indy friends of mine didn't watch it, you can find it online at http://www.indystar.com/legislature or at http://www.indychannel.com. Yaaay.
Anyway, even though I'm lonely, those of you that can't get online for tiredness reasons/whatever (you know who you are), you don't have to or anything. I guess it's just good to tell people how I feel sometimes.
P.S. If I say anything that offends you/isn't true, sorry, it's just probably because of my being lonely.
current mood: lonely
current music: "Imagine" - John Lennon
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| Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
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3:55 am - How my trip to Tucson was, how it was nice to see family, and how I did some great shopping today!!
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Hello all. I thought I'd update about...stuff. ^_^ So, I haven't talked about the funeral in Tucson yet, have I? Well...the funeral mass was awesome, Catholic, so they had all this tradition and everything, burned incense, said prayers. I was one of the pallbearers. The pall was white, and the priest's robes were white, too, because that is a colour of hope, faith, joy, and love, and he said that this was a celecration of that. Even though Busi's gone, they say she's in a better place, and that we must move on with our lives. That's what she would have wanted, anyway. After that we went to the cemetary and there was this ramada where they put the casket and these chairs were in front of it, and my grandfather, uncles, mother, grandmother's brother and I got to sit in them when prayers were read and the rest of the "non-close-family" or what-have-you stood back outside of it watching. The priest said some prayers, then the priest shook hands with us "close family" and it was great. After that, we went back to the church to have this "light meal" which of course wasn't very light, heh. No one cried- we all knew it was her time to go, I suppose. She lived a nice, long life and I don't think she has any regrets.
( I talk about the funeral more, collecting herbs, and about spending time with my little cousins and how I love kids. )
I'm happy today because I got a lot of good clothes-shopping in. I got five pairs of jeans, three of which were different shades of blue, the other black, and I also got a courduroy pair of pants that were BRIGHT PINK OMG!! Hahaha I love bright colours, and I need more bright pants in addition to all of my bright shirts. I had a pair of bright red jeans, but I lent them to Mum and she spilled black ink on them. Holy geez I don't think I'll ever get over that. I loved those pants. She's such a klutz, she spills something on her shirt every day now. *facepalm* Also at the mall I got this 2005 calendar of BUNNIES!!! *does the happy hoppin' bunny-luvin' dance* *giggles* So . . . the hippie stuff I got today was so pretty, and it was all made in India. [Helpful Note: Get me anything that has a "made in India" label on it and I'll probably love it.] One of the things I got was this pretty mauve-ish pink shirt with pretty shiny embroidery on it and I got this long ruffly pink patchwork type skirt that looks great with it. And I got this tan more African-ish looking button-up shirt that has a lot of neat patterns, and this really cute short short-sleeved lavender shirt with a good amount of planty patternage, and this ruffly cerulean skirt. I showed Mum the pink outfit today when we got home (she was off buying trousers for herself while I was in Nirvana shopping), and she was like OMG THAT'S SOOO PRETTY!! In not quite that way, heh. All of it is really great, I really need to get more stuff like this. ^_^ I'm not gonna let a bad mood kill my happy-buzz now, so I'm gonna just head up to my room and lie in bed thinking happy thoughts 'til I fall asleep.
~happy!Jasper
current mood: cheerful
current music: "Shakedown Street" - Grateful Dead
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| Sunday, January 16th, 2005
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8:38 am
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I have just written the angriest poem ever.
I feel accomplished. ^_^
current mood: chipper
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5:13 am - Meme: In the Mind's Eye
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From sdragon:
When I interact with you online, certain associations and images serve as placeholders in my mind for you, inspired by your icons, writing style, interests, and so on. As you may have noticed, I do not post RL pictures of myself*, and I am curious about what image your mind holds when interacting with me online. Therefore, I created a meme to explore this psychological phenomenon. There are no right answers; the point is not to try to be close to reality, it is to creatively express what your mind's eye sees. If you know what I look like in RL, try to use influences other than your visual of me in formulating your answers.
I have drafted up some questions that can be answered item by item or be used as an inspiration to write in descriptive prose. Post your description of me in your LJ, then post this meme to propagate it with your friends. (Suggestions happily accepted to evolve the meme)
( my description of sdragon )
* = I know some of you may have seen a picture of me or whatever already, but some of you have not, and all of y'all can do this anyway. ^_^
current mood:  accomplished
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| Friday, January 7th, 2005
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11:36 pm - Everyone I know is dying.
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My life is going horribly. Let us recap:
Bush gets re-elected. Indiana elects a Republican governor for the first time in 20 years. There's a Republican majority in the House and Senate, and they've only gained seats lately. A number of laws have been passed lately that restrict our rights. A devastating tsunami hits South Asia. Thousands die. My mother's coworker, a very cool guy and hippie, died this week from a heart condition. Also this week, my good friend's dog died, after she's told me how heartbroken she'd be if she died. Tucker gets fired from Crossfire, Crossfire gets cancelled. Halfway inbetween all of this, I said that all the bad things happen at the same time.
And today my favourite grandmother died.
Right now, I am reminded of the story of Job, from whom God took away everything to test his faith. I feel like this is some sort of test, but I don't know why. It's funny how I only believe in fate when I believe something good might come out of it.
My mother and I will attend my grandmother's funeral in Arizona, and we'll be there for a few days. We'll leave early Sunday. My grandmother had ovarian cancer, among other things. She was very sick, and she probably wanted to be with God, though I don't believe in him myself. She was a good, kind woman. She was a nurse. My sister and I called her "Busi" because she was Polish, and that was Polish for "grandmother". She was a great cook. She was Catholic, and she said the rosary everyday. I could say lots of things about her right now, but I don't really know what to do. I'm not letting my mother see me cry (Busi was her mother), because I think that it would just be seen as me crying for selfish reasons, since if I cared so much about others, I would be better at consoling them. I'm not. I do care about others. I just don't know what to do.
If you want to talk to me, please feel free to. Thank you.
current mood: melancholy
current music: "A Place in the Dirt" - Marilyn Manson
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1:10 am - Cop-out meme update, lol
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Select your birth month. Strike out any that are NOT like you. Bold the 4 that are most like you. Include all 12 months [when you post so your friends can partake]. Post in journal. : )
DECEMBER:
Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.
( Cut for lengthiness )
...In other news, GtbiDC has been completely turned upside-down since I last updated. Satan's really getting around and I'm not playing Dean as much. I'm just better at "original" characters, I guess. Satan's pseudo-break-up with Tucker couldn't have come at a worse time, and I hope they get back together soon as I am afraid what will happen otherwise. *sigh* Anyways. Today was Tucker Carlson's last day on Crossfire, but I taped the episode, so yay. CNN's cancelled Crossfire, too, now. I kinda like CNN, I want them to not suck right now, heh. Cop-out updates are great, eh? I've also decided to become the next Gandhi in real life, it would be nice if that works out. I must get back to attempting to write some good old original erotica now, which I swear I will complete sometime this year. Heh. Tootles.
~Jasper
current mood: blah
current music: "Incense and Peppermints" - Strawberry Alarm Clock
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| Saturday, December 25th, 2004
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7:53 am - Merry Chriskwanzakkuh!
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Surveyness!
TEN Random Things About Me
10. I didn't get glasses until third grade.
09. I was in Scouts for about two weeks.
08. My favourite colour has kept changing throughout my lifetime.
07. I'm more close-minded than I'd like to admit, and I'd be much more if I let myself be.
06. I give up on some things very easily but other things I'm entirely adamant about no matter how hopeless the situation, like politics, or the worth of animals.
05. I had a turtle when I was in the first grade but it dug its way under the fence when someone wasn't watching him and he got away.
04. I'll listen to just about any music, but I won't hesitate to tell you if it sucks. And if I do, it's because you'll jump on me otherwise but I'll still be upset I couldn't be honest with you.
03. I'm a great singer but I've never been in a choir because they make you sing stupid religious stuff/wear things I didn't want to wear.
02. I say I like guns better than blades for functionality but I'm afraid to touch them.
01. I just can't follow a philosophy unless it's my own.
( More survey yummyness! )
current mood: contemplative
current music: "Mad World" - Gary Jules
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| Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
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6:07 am
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'Ey people. Most of what I've been doing lately is the RPG, and so much has happened that I can't really make a short update of it at the moment. *points to clock*
Oh yeah my birthday was December 10th. If you haven't wished me a happy birthday, feel free to now. <3 I had a party Friday, it was awesome. We had crazy dancing fun, crazy handcuff fun, crazy lap dance fun, crazy balloon fun, crazy dirty fun...it was just crazy fun. I'll talk about it more later, maybe.
And now, the real point of this post! Meme-squee!
1. Reply to this post, because I would like to say a couple words about you.
2. I will also tell you what song(s) remind me of you when I hear it.
3. I will also tell you what celebrity/public [or anime/manga] person you remind me of, either personality-wise or looks-wise.
4. I will also give ONE WORD that I associate with you when I think of you.
((5. We all could use a boost now and then, so steal this for your journal and make someone else's day as well.))
Also- people, if I don't know you that well (AKA new 'net friends/new friends), please don't put me on the spot if I won't know what to say yet! If you still wanna know later once we know each other better, then remember to ask and stuff and I'll tell you, I pwomise! ^_^
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| Saturday, December 4th, 2004
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3:07 am
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So I haven't updated in a while about the roleplay and things actually occurring in my life. First off, my birthday is December 10th, and I'm having a birthday party then. We still need to get a cake- I'm thinking strawberry. And we'll get pink and orange balloons! Yay for pink! Anyway, yeah, that will be great, hopefully.
Also- the roleplay. Dear lord it's crazy. Howard Dean is having an affair with an undead George Orwell who is hopelessly in love with Al Gore. Al Gore does not share same affections, never has, and in fact kicked him out of his house for it! (Oh yeah Al Gore and George Bush are completely in love thus far and they were somehow living together, and Al Gore has become rather...well, conservative if you ask me, and traitorness REALLY doesn't endear him to Dean.) So Orwell is still in love with this guy, somehow, even though he's seeing Dean. He says he cares about Dean but he says he loves Gore who doesn't exactly deserve his affections. Orwell still really does seem to want to be with Dean but he keeps pining over Gore even though Dean is really damn near in love with him. The pining over Gore bit makes Dean angry! I mean, he gets upset about Orwell doing that, but in the end Orwell always wants his forgiveness and everything... Orwell is really sweet when he needs to be. He can be quite manipulative but it's all with a very innocent air. I have compared him to my cat, Clover.
So anyway Orwell did something really crazy on yet another one of his drug binges, and he's in prison, and apparently he's been badly manhandled. Dean was hesitant to come to the rescue, because...well you know! But in the end his loyalty to his loved ones and willingness to drop everything for them shone through and he came in although he did make a few bitter remarks about the whole Gore issue. And well...here's what I was getting at...so Dean and Orwell were flirting through the bars (awww), and like Dean asked if any of the "evil men" hurt him, and, well...I'm basically playing Dean with him having all of my kinks, so of course he's gonna be interested in that in a perverted sadistic way- he is. George said he was passed out through most of it, but the player said he might also not wanna talk about it because it really was a traumatizing thing for him and everything. So Dean just didn't press the issue because he's nice like that, but his sadistic side really wanted to know. 'Cause, I mean, the thought of that just gives me so much sadistic glee, and I'm not sure why. So for a while I was just like practically drooling over thoughts of George Orwell being manhandled by authority figures, and then I decided to do something about it. So, here I am. Like...seriously people, is anyone willing to roleplay some crazy thing with me where I'm the sadist? Because...OMG I seriously need it right now, otherwise I'm gonna start torturing/raping unconsenting people. Any takers? We can switch roles after I have my fun, too, if you want, because I'm fair like that. ^_^ Okay. Well. I've made a post about this. I feel good about that. Tootles!
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| Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
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10:10 am
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Woo! I dunno, I think if I were a Star Trek species I might be a Bajoran. I mean, I'm a passionate redhead, I tend to be the underdog when it comes to things (at least politically lately...), and, well, I just don't give up, and I'm really spiritual. Not liek "OMG the prophets!!1one!!" but magick spiritual and just in general. I've always had an interest in spirituality, I've studied Buddhism, Hinduism, Wicca, just about everything...but in the end I practise my own personal philosophy which is a combination of a lot of those religions I like but don't completely believe. Christianity I like little of, but some of the stuff Jesus said was cool, but Mohammad has said the same things, and Buddha, and all of that- of course I'm talking about Jesus's pacifism/acceptance/etc. So yeah. That's what makes it all the more to play Satan in the Good to be in DC! rpg- I get to make fun of Christianity, and, well, just about everyone that I don't usually get to, and it's really fun.
Anyway, yeah, all that besides, there aren't a whole lot of Star Trek species that have red hair like I do, and not to mention my...ya'know, traits. I have blue eyes and red hair, I'm really tall and pale, and stuffs. If I had dark hair I could be a Cardassian, 'cause...well I'm in love with Cardassians, okay? It's just...I dunno, I tend to root for the "bad guys" when it comes to entertainment sometimes, and I'm like in love with Gul Dukat, and even though he's not completely evil, he's still seen as evil. That and Cardassians are reptilian! I mean...reptile love! Of course, me loving Cardassians wouldn't necessarily clash with being a Bajoran, as that kind of thing has happened before. With Dukat even. He has a thing for Bajorans, so I suppose I should want to be one, lol. Of course, the way I'm talking, it's like DS9 were happening now, and I know the series is over, but I would rather live in that happy little world. I mean hell Enterprise isn't even set anywhere near...well, "now" in the Star Trek timeline, which is in the future, and...yeeeeaaaaah it's sounding confusing now. But you know. Anyway, er...*ponders*
Funnily enough, I've given this topic thought before! Bajoran was actually one of my first choices for what I would realistically be if I were a Star Trek race, even if I'm not always the biggest fan or I'd rather be something else. It's like with those personality tests- you may WANT to be the pretty girl, but instead you're the smart girl, or whatever. Personally I think both things are good, especially as I am both *is vain, don't complain*, but it was just an example.
Cate, I am amused that you are my pastel-coloured alien love interest. Hee. I should draw a picture of us as a Bajoran Starship captain and her pastel love interest, lol. Hmmm, what sort of pastel colour, though? *ponders* And what's your hair colour again? It was red, and now it's...still that way, maybe? I'm so confused. I should have gotten some sleep. :p Of course, in the picture your hair could be intermingled with some other exotic colour since you're some groovy alien. I don't even know if I will draw it, but I just had this cool image in my mind.
That's about it, I think. I could go on a political rant about my thoughts of the day, but I was more passionate about that when I was belting out Rage Against the Machine about an hour ago. Tootles!
current music: "Under Pressure" - Queen & David Bowie
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| Thursday, November 25th, 2004
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10:07 am - Where I make a speech sort of thing, about how gays & women need to free themselves from stereotypes
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I find it funny that my running mate is Adam, a gay friend, and the people who love us the most are homosexuals. XD Also, the flipfloppable subject is one of absolutely no importance, which means that I focus on the REAL issues. If I'll flip-flop, it's about apparel. Pants? Kilts? Who's to say? lol
But yeah, gays love me, but I have sort of a love-hate relationship with them. I've hung around too many gay guys that pay way too much attention to other gay guys that in the end don't care about them and they probably won't "get" anything out of. And you know what I mean- what they're after. It's not just that, but if I'm around them, I cease to exist when another guy is around. Total disgust fills me at such a thing. And I hate that they just buy into the stereotypes that they see, that they wouldn't be enacting if they hadn't seen them. Newsflash: the gay guy stereotype you see in American media today is not "cute" NOR "proud"- it's tacky, homophobic, and bereft of any real love or emotion. The gay of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and "Will & Grace" is one focused totally on being a source of laughter for others. I don't care if they are real people or they aren't. It doesn't matter because people like that do exist but the majority of gays are not naturally like that. Naturally, they would just do what they please, being happy being themselves, not trying to fit in with "all the other boys". They would take up many professions- businessmen, painters, journalists, scientists- they would not all try to be happy little dancers, actors, and singers, attempting to be flamboyant as possible and trying to show not just the gay community but the whole world how desperate they are for their convoluted idea of love.
Which is not to say that straight people don't have strange notions about the concept either. You see so many women who will conform to society's whims, just to be attractive to narrow-minded windbags, just to have "love". In the end all they might get is some abusive, alcoholic boyfriend who doesn't really give a damn about her. Women will do so much for men, and look at what society has given the women of the world. If we've progressed so much, why are there so few women leaders? No female presidents? Nothing? It is not the fault of women as a whole. It is the fault of society as a whole for teaching women such horrible notions as raising children as being a woman's biggest achievement in life. Men can't have children and are admired all the more for it- all the while women are screaming at the pains of childbirth, continuing a race that does not appreciate her own. It sickens me, it really does, that I live in a society such as this one, where things like this happen. Homosexuals need to stand up and take back the reigns in their life. They need to follow their dreams and absolutely reject the gay stereotype as an exaggerated lie- as all stereotypes are. Women need to reject the subserviant role that society thrusts upon them. They need to live out their lives empowered and as they want to live them, and let no man or woman stand in their way of emancipation. Once we open our eyes to the truth inherent in the system is but a lie, then we will have opened our wings. We will be free to fly as high as the birds fly, as high as the angels soar. We will be free, free at last.
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