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rachel

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Dragonfly [Dec. 31st, 2003|02:01 am]
[mood | amused]
[music |my mom singing "you've got a friend" off key with carol king]

so tonight i watched dragonfly.
i've been on this dragonfly kick lately.
i haven't given up stars as my sole single symbol of me (though they are becoming annoyingly trendy)
but dragonflies are cool nonetheless.
so i was watching dragonfly and the box talks about how shockingly supernatural the movie is and the big "on the edge of your seat" twist at the end that will have you "believing" so i ask my mom if it's as shocking as the box says. she says "oh yeah, its gooOOood"
i say cool. then she's talking to me as i watch it and i miss this part where their talking about how the wife was pregnant before she dies so i ask her if the wife was pregnant to verify and she says... so as not to be like my mother )
Wow.
I said thanks for giving away the movie, now i really want to watch it. She said, well that's not the big shocker of them movie, just watch it. And it was the big shocker of the movie. She has a way of doing that with every movie i watch with her that she's already seen. Just because I ask you about a certain fact doesnt mean i want more than a yes or no answer. Oh well. It was still a good movie and I reccomend it to anyone who likes kevin costner. I also reccomend not reading behind the cut.

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loa [Dec. 30th, 2003|09:38 pm]
i have officially decided to take a leave of absence.
the decision has been looming precariously over everything i do for the past month and it feels good to just throw in the towel.
i dreaded the talk with my dad and in our own non-communicative way i think we agreed. we were leaving the gym tonight when he said that if i'm going to take a quarter off, as rumored by my mom, that i will be going with him to the gym four or five nights a week. and if i get my body into shape and a new, healthier groove than i have been in, then my mind will follow.
having attended my first yoga session, i couldn't agree with him more.
so hopefully i will do this. find a job, go to the gym, become a better me and then i will be prepared with the daunting task of seeking a better school for my needs or maybe my needs will have changed.
the initial plan was to leave. really REALLY throw in the towel, but since my grades from last quarter have not come into questioning just yet, i will most definitely be here for another month or so so i can save up to do whatever it is i need to do when i'm ready to jet.
the motivation to change always comes before bedtime.
but i will try with all the guster i can muster (or vice versa?) to keep this as a new year's resolution. i have one more day to be the old me. this may make some of you happy. most likely this will make you feel nothing at all. perfectly fine. i'm doing it for me.
i love you all,
goodnight.
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to the ones who made it memorable... [Nov. 16th, 2003|12:47 am]
things that i loved about middle school:

-cool units in school: the egyptian unit in 6th grade and going to the egyptian museum. chinatown was cool too. my mom was a volunteer chaperone. "freak like me" by adina howard came on in the car which was mariel's favorite song and we bumped it loudly, and she sang loudly. Mrs. Thorne was a bitch and Tyler Bertain sat in the same seat I did during a different class and we would leave notes to each other with pictures of the evil hag that were pretty incrimintating. I think Jamie Weber was the snitch who turned them into her. Or maybe she was just there when we got in trouble. Either way i was devastated and thought I was gonna shit myself when she asked me to stay after class.
-The shitty spot. 'nuff said.
-Wedneday trips to sevy and jammin juice (later voted slammin juice when jamba juice tried to sue them or shut them down or whatever they threatened); feeding the beast and Charles Barron being a freak and asking Jessie to have sex with him all the time.
-Dances. That shitty valentine's dance in sixth grade, the only one sixth graders got to go to because we were too young or something. Rod Mofrad asked to dance with me and the cold hearted bitch I am said no. I'm trully sorry Rod, you're steppin moves were really cool though. The next years though were always fun. Mike Hafner and the infamous third leg, walking out of the bathroom rubbing our arms and sniffling like we did drugs to freak out the chaperones or immitate Amber and Robin or something, dancing to stairway to heaven: the longest song known to man, one dance in eighth grade we blew up balloons and put them in a net and they dropped them in the middle. Myself and some other dumb fuck picked them up and made helium voices with them. i felt stupid when someone was like, "hey, those don't have helium in them, people blew them up after school" and I like, should have known that since I helped blow them up.
-San Antonio Shopping Center! Blockbuster Music store was cool cause they let you listen to the music, and they had really big glass doors. Shoe Pavillion is now there. Burger King's 49er memorabilia, portraits at Sears in 6th grade, Clothestime, it just being the most ghetto shopping center ever.
-good music. slow jams at least. boyz II men on bended knee, immature, no diggity, brandy when she was tight, monica and its just one of those days. cupid. etc.
-Round Table Pizza, sun chips and mango madness (or straberry kiwi) snapple for lunch every day.
-Jense's house and walking downtown.
-trying to play basketball.
-the erin and vic scandal. gross.


ok well now its not really stuff that was great, just entertaining stuff that happened. that list is endless, so i'll stop. basically i miss being 14. life was a lot more enjoyable even if the only high i got was off of sugar.
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[Jun. 30th, 2002|08:59 pm]
there are like three houses around my block each with their own huddle of scantily clad teenage girls and 40-carrying boys. i really want to go to one and just act like i know the people, drink their alcohol, and then make fun of them. i also want my parents to go away so i can have a party of my own. if any of you are around on the fourth, gimme a call and we can engage in gt's.
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[Jun. 24th, 2002|04:05 pm]
so it's been 17 days since i've been back and i still dont have a job.
somethings wrong with my car's brakes, they make this really bad grinding sound when i slow down.
i need to get a brake job which is probably gonna cost more than my car is worth.
not to mention that i dont have the money for it because i dont have a job and i still owe over 150 bucks to various branches of the government, and my dad wont pay for it.
he's telling me not to drive it. i ask him what i'm supposed to drive then. he says my bike.
even if i do get a job, i wont have any money by the time summer is over because i'll have spent it on fines and fixing my car.
bah.
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[Jun. 4th, 2002|12:22 am]
i no longer feel excitement when i elicit a response from you. there is, of course, a raise in blood pressure, a chill sent through my body, a question in my mind as to what you might say. but now it is just a test. a way to probe and see if you're still alive, or if your blood has gone cold. again. i can no longer lay my gently folded ego in in your lap just to be dropped to the floor as you stand up and carelessly walk away. i can no longer try to envoke a mood within you when you lead me around in circles, taking charge of all the envoking. so i'll sit and wait for you to call upon me. and though my heart will tell me to ignore your solicitation, if it were to come, i would probably fill with unnecessary joy derived from the reassurance in your simple hello.
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i really need to start studying [Jun. 2nd, 2002|09:16 pm]
1)Starting Time: 8:45
2)Name: rachel
3)Nicknames: rach, rachie, rachiepie, rae rae (that was only kris though)
4)School: ucsc
5)Email: rachiep23@hotmail...thats a boring question
6)Eyes: brown
7)Height: 5'3
8)Siblings: olivia and naomi
9)Been so drunk you blacked out: not yet
10)Missed school b/c it was raining: all the time. its too easy in college.
11)Set any body part on fire for amusement: tried to light my sock on fire cause its really cool, but it didnt work.
12)Kept a secret from someone: yes. i dont trust anyone.
13)Had an imaginary friend: does my fish count? he has imaginary qualities...
14)Wanted to hook up with a friend: of course
15)Cried during a Flick: i cried at iron giant. i think that says it all.
16)Sprained any part of your body: nope never.
17)Ever thought an animated character was hot: eric from the little mermaid.
18)Ever at anytime owned a New Kids on the Block tape: hell yeah! i went to their concert in second grade and i have a whole bunch of their song on mp3s. their voices were so high...
19)Prank called someone: yeah all the time.
20)Been on stage: yup

favorites

21)Shampoo: on me: pantene. but american crew smells damn good, im about to buy some for myself and use it.
22)Soap: lever 2000
23)Colour: grey and lately mauve tones
24)Day/Night: night
25)Summer/Winter: i like the rain for awhile, but love the sun
26)Online Smiley: the big teeth one
27)Lace or satin: lace
28)Cartoon Character: daffy duck

in general

29)Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: no. :(
30)Love anyone? many people
31)Who have you known the longest of your friends: well i just found out i went to kindercollege with heather, so i guess her.
32)Who's the loudest: evelyn.
33)Who's the shyest: renee. this is weird cause friends here are so different from friends at home...
34)Who do you go to for advice: evelyn

the last time you

35)Cried: 15 minutes ago. im sad to be leaving. and i cry all the time.
36)cut your hair: september 15. first day of school.
37)Been mean: fairly recently.
38)Been sarcastic: sometime today
39)Met someone new: last night
40)Talked to someone you have a crush on: yesterday...i think it was a disaster
41)Missed someone: right now
42)Hugged someone: friday night. julia was sad.
3)Fought with your parents: amazingly enough, its been awhile. probably winter break.
44)Wished upon a star: meteor shower. i made quite a few wishes. dont remember them though
45)Laughed until you cried: this week sometime. e and i usually laugh at people though, so i'm gonna go to hell for it.
46)Watched a sunrise/sunset: sunrise has to be new years 2001.
47)Went to the beach at night: earlier this year with colin and his sister and myles. we went in the water and it was really cold
48)Ate a meal: made lunch today
49)Are you lonely: i like to be alone sometimes, but i get lonely a lot
50)Are you talking to someone online: nope... :(
51)what do you like?: tomato-basil cream cheese (thanks erin), music, being a girl, shopping at safeway, my fish, stuff

do you believe in

52)God/Devil: sometimes
53)Love: yes
54)The Closet Monster: it was always a mirror monster for me
55)The Big Bang Theory: sometimes
56)who named you: my mom. she really liked this actress from the thornbirds
57)Favorite Band?: dave matthews band. always and forever.
58)When is the last time you went to the bathroom: a couple hours ago. i really had to pee.
59) What was the last thing you said online: 'later gator'
60) what is sitting right next to you: my fish sammy sam sammers, a bottle of water, all the paper topics i should be writing, cream cheese, candles, stuff
61)What is your computer desk made of: wood and formaica?
62)What are the last 4 digits in your phone number: 7422 funny thing is, i have a phone number, but not a phone.
63)What was the last thing that you ate?: bagel and cream cheese
64)Where would you go on your honeymoon: italy or some kind of paradise
65)who do you want to spend your life with? you, baby.
66)How many buddies do you have on your list: 80
67)How's the weather right now: moody. it was really hot earlier, now its kinda cold
68)Have you ever smoked pot: i just got a new pipe!
69)what did you do last nite?: nothing. sat and waited. tried to go hot tubbing.
70)What's the best thing that you find about the opposite sex: too much. i'm a sucker for dorks though
71) ??
72)How do YOU eat an oreo?: crunched up and mixed with milk
73)All-time favorite tv show: my so called life, roswell
74)Dream car: a big truck
75)What are your future goals: to go to a school with a better photo program. find love. get a good job.
76)Favorite music: depends on my mood
on piano: moonlight sonata and beethoven
singing: songs i can sing along to
listening: everything. i dont like the extremes though.
78)Favorite movie: at the moment, donnie darko
79)Favorite days of this year?: last weekend was really fun
80)Are you too shy to ask someone out? not if i know they want me to
81)If you could change your name? i'd change my last name
82)Have you ever been in love: yep
83)What is the stupidest thing you`ve ever done? way too many. opened my stupid mouth is probably the cause of most of it though
84)your first son's name going to be? something starting with the first letter of my husbands name
85)First daughter: rowan
86)Favorite drink: i make this really good smoothie...cant even tast the alcohol
87)Scary or happy movies better: scary
88)On the phone or in person: in person
89)Lust or Love?: i've been lusting for too long...
90)If you could change something about yourself: my sensitivity and tendency to overthink EVERYTHING
91)Do you consider cheer-leading a sport: sure
92)Do you want your friends to do this survey?: i dont care
93) Time done: 9:15
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[Jun. 2nd, 2002|08:18 pm]
i'm getting sad about leaving. i really dont want to. i feel like summer camp is coming to and end. and eventhough we're all coming back again next year, it's gonna be just like starting over anyway cause almost everyone i know is moving off campus and i still dont even know where i'm gonna live. i'm gonna have to make new friends all over again. so since i'm sad about this i cant bring myself to study. i got a new fish this week. he's pretty cool. but i think he has a stomach infection so i'm sad about that too. stupid boys suck my ass and i want to scream. or tell someone about it. but no one really listens anyway so what does it matter. i feel completely helpless about everything. where my life is gonna go and who my friends are. as long as he doesnt die, its just me and my sammy sam sammers. i'm cool with this. it would just be cool to have something concrete. like a boyfriend. or a place to live next year. or a job for the summer. bah. two more days and then its all over and its back to pa and all its insipid drama that never seems to die. hows that for optimistic.
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[Jun. 2nd, 2002|05:37 pm]
i am



what sexual performer are you?



damn straight.
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[May. 15th, 2002|01:31 am]
i've done so much in the past month, but feel like i've accomplished so little. i went home yesterday and just got back a little bit ago. i'd have to say this was the best visit home i've had all year. i dont really know why. i didnt do all that much, but i just felt so much more alive driving home tonight than i ever have. 17 is so much fun to drive now that i know every turn like the back of my hand. i like driving it at night better than during the day too, so i usually wait to drive either way till late at night. and i think i've been going home so often just for the drive. i almost ran out of gas driving back tonight, but it just added to the thrill. i think its the death drive in me. driving 17 at midnight at 70 mph with no gas is like inviting death to take me out to a fancy dinner. i love it.

i saw leslie today. and people from verde. and erin. and karl. and alyson white, katie malooly and abi fox at barrone's tonight. all make me feel so conflicted about leaving palo alto. i hate it so much, but i keep coming back every weekend and its nice coming back to things familiar. this year has been so surreal and i can't believe its over. the fact that everything is how it always at home creeps me out and makes me happy at the same time. i don't know what its going to be like if we move to san diego this summer. different freeways and malls and coffee shops. different people and attitudes and scenery. less trees, more desert. less cold, more awesome weather. i've defended northern california and our 'hella' type of speech so vehemently, i wonder if its because i'm so jealous of how awesome socal seems or if its because i really do love it here. but who knows if anything will really come of this sudden possibility or not. it wouldnt be uncharacteristic of my family (dad mostly) to take it all back even if he gets a job down south. it's not like it really affects me anyway, but i really like the idea of getting away from all of this up here permanently.

the few months here has really helped me to recognize how important and how much i love my family. after winter break i vowed i'd never go home again, and i'm sure i'll probably do the same after summer, but i really feel they've taken back the number one priority in my life they should have always had, but got kicked out of when high school started, or even before that. i dont know what i'm gonna do next year if they arent just a 30 minute drive away. i've been thinking about staying down there with them if things work out and they move. i'm on the waiting list for on-campus housing next year, so while theres a high chance of getting housing, im still scared i wont and dont know what to think. i dont know anyone i'd wanna live off campus with so thats gonna be hard to work out and kresge sucks anyway so i will probably as isolated as i was this year. if only i'd visited the campus and not picked kresge cause of the lame 'bistro' picture it advertised in the picture. its hard to tell if next year is gonna be just like starting over again or if its gonna be more enjoyable. i just dont know what i want, but i feel like if i stay here more than two years i'm just gonna smoke myself away into a cloud of dust. but its hard because i know people leaving santa cruz next year and i keep telling them its not that bad and that a year just isnt enough to find yourself so i think i just need to take my own advice and let my housing situation work itself out.

my bank account has gone up and down this week as rapidly as my mood goes. i got my tax return last friday and i've already spent 4/5 of it. thats 400 out of 500 dollars. all to material goods too. i'm such a consumer it makes me sick. but i'll be happy with what i've bought for at least a month, which more than what i can really ask for. plus its my belief that i may as well spend it. if i die tomorrow, the 100 bucks left wont really do my family any more good than it would to me if i bought something i could enjoy for a small span of time. and like leslie pointed out, we save just to spend later. i dunno, somehow it all works out in my head. i just gotta keep reminding myself that in the long run its really ok so i can stop wracking myself with guilt. i got things i've needed and couldnt get before cause this money wasnt given to me in the beginning like it should have been. or something.

so yeah. i guess thats my life in four paragraphs. nothing groundbreaking. i'm tired and i have a lot of work i should be doing. but hey, im in santa cruz. they accept being "too stoned to write my paper last night" as a valid excuse so i'm not too worried. actually, i dont know if they do, but that would be damn cool. point is, i really dont give a fuck whether or not my teacher gets upset that i havent turned in my work. time to sleep and dream of smoking out of crazy fruits like watermelons and coconuts. maybe tonight will be kiwi. heh yay.
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[May. 8th, 2002|12:00 am]
HAPPY

BIRTHDAY

BRIAN


i love you!!!
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[Apr. 24th, 2002|11:20 pm]
ok, so i should be writing my psych paper, but i keep reverting back to thoughts of the annoying hippies that talked in my politics of pleasure class last week and i've finally decided to write something about it cause if i dont i think i'll just keep formulating words to what i should have said in class, but was to scared to. so these vegan people were talking last week about, well, veganism. let me just say that i dont dislike vegans. i guess in a way i posess a form of ressentiment towards them - my bitter restentment of their ability to not eat meat or dairy products is turned into a will to power, and i often say things which would make others think that i hold myself above them. i do not feel this way, but i do say things like 'damn vegans' and stuff all the time. this does not mean that i hate all vegans, just the ones who come to my classes and try to preach the immorality of eating meat and make me feel like a horrible person for succumbing to a pleasure i have the right to indulge in. and thats exactly what they did. they came in and wrote all these ratios on the board: one pound of meat equals so many square feet of soy bean acreage. its just ridiculous. then they open forum and people try to object to these vegans who use the holocaust as a comparison of the inhumanity brought upon cows killed for our consumption and they get all defensive when someone says that the two are completely incomparable. and then the teacher who is a vegetarian says that she would just like to hear one arguement as to the morality of eating meat, because she hasnt heard an arguement stating any sense of moral goodness behind the slaughter of cows and other animals just for us to eat. maybe thats cause the obvious answer is there is no moral right. no, it is not fair to kill a cow and eat it simply for our pleasure. yes, cows are living creatures too. but come on. first of all, i can't eat vegetables to save my life. i've been trying now that i've been in santa cruz cause everyone makes me feel like shit when i dont. oh my god, i'm such a freak. but the other day i ate veggie potstickers and had an allergic reaction. and when i smell certain vegetables i get physically ill, close to the point of vomiting. it is not physically possible to base my diet on food i cannot eat. secondly, being a vegan or a vegetarian takes time and money. neither of which i have an abundance of or even a little of which i would like to devote to limiting my eating habits. thirdly, there are just too many people in the world who eat meat. maybe someday in the far far future we can all be vegans, but please. like talking to 140 of us and preaching that being a carnivore is similar to being antisemetic is going to change the world.
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[Apr. 24th, 2002|07:24 pm]
i cannot formulate the words/to express how i feel/i see you and im left speechless/you wow me just by being/and although you arent that great/i think the world of you/i envy whoever takes up the time/in which you are out of my sight/i kick myself for saying things/i later realize i should not have said/and thats just it/i no longer have anything to say/in a sense/you take the words right out of my mouth/i dont want to talk about you/for fear of 'oh no's and 'i told you so's/i dont want to write about you/for fear that i am nothing but redundant/and rhetoric/so maybe if i just keep my mouth shut/i wont have to worry/maybe if i stay away from you/maybe if i dont look at you/maybe if i dont talk to you/there just wont be anything/worth fussing for words over/cause when it comes to you/words are such a waste
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[Apr. 24th, 2002|12:36 am]
though detrimental to the
tattered doors of my recently
restored heart, i open them
more than willingly to let
in the bitter storm
of your uncanny distraction
how do i question the inner
working of your nature
when i already have the
answers in front of me
a game? a challenge?
could i be capable of exposing
these answers to you?
and though i know you
are more penetrable than
the doors of my heart
which you penetrate
i close them on you and
walk away for
you are tried and true
and i just need to fly away
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[Apr. 24th, 2002|12:29 am]
for erin-

'look who's laughing now'
i said as he turned and walked away
he just didnt understand
that there's only one winner everytime.
and i couldnt bear to walk away
with my head held anything but high
ever again.
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[Apr. 21st, 2002|11:09 pm]
happy bday leslie
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[Apr. 7th, 2002|12:49 pm]
your hair
dark like chocolate
rustled in the wind when you dared to show it
devoured my fingers as i grasped for something to hold onto in my glory
and though others giggled as it got longer and fuller
they never got the chance to see it as i did
in the mornings you rose, but it did not
clinging to your head as if to say, don't let me go
and they never got the chance to come close enough to smell it
wondering the source of its secret scent
and last night i saw you amidst the swarm
hiding a head rid of its meaning
no more chocolate fluff
no more feather like strands tickling my neck as you bury your face into the pillow beneath me
no more head and shoulders with a slight hint of chlorine (i think thats what it is)
and no more immediate reassurance as i come back from my early morning classes
and you rest in peace engulfed in a sea of blankets
your hair the only part of you exposed
and now gone, the only part which exposes you
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[Apr. 6th, 2002|08:05 pm]
she lies there
unaware
that i care
could she leave without the notion
that im capable of pure devotion?
i think she may
be on her way
to places unimaginable
if only she knew
what she'd have to go through
the pain and the loss which would tear her apart
the aches which would forever tear at her heart
so quiet she lay
and i let her stay
cause i dont want to remove her
from a dream which will soothe her
so much she goes through
while one remains true
and she will never forget
after the abundance of choices she remembers having met
and goodnight silent shadow...
for now rest in peace.
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[Mar. 16th, 2002|02:21 am]
tonight i went to the store and bought ice cream.
the end.
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[Mar. 6th, 2002|03:26 am]
i sit here with my pen
dreaming of men
wondering when
one will knock on my door
and i feel like a whore
for just wanting more
than a kiss on the cheek
or one fuck a week
but i know if i speak
of my desires and lust
i'll just look like a slut
and it gets all turned around
and from my mouth, not a sound
when i think i've finally found
a flaw in the way things have been going down.
you can play games
and forget all the names
of girls you've fooled all the same
made us think we were different
when we werent really different
just another to add to a list of a thousand
and after playing the rules
we've finally slipped into your shoes
looking for fools
and now i'm just empty
cause society's raped me
of emotions and morals
but am i really immoral
for feeling how you feel every day
'i just need to get laid'
without getting paid
just in fun cause i want it
and i've been trying to flaunt it
but now i get stares all over the place
not just another nameless face
but the front of a race
of girls just like me
who just wanna be free
to do who we please
without begging on knees
without searching for keys
to hearts or rooms or 'is it to soon?'s
just an open door to walk into
and strip down and go down and hand's down
i got it, you got it, we got it
tomorrow again without the need for permission
cause we're all on a mission
to fuck and get fucked
i dont care what you think
i dont care what you say
and maybe i'll find love again someday
but for now its just fun
to lay out in the sun
watching the world as it comes undone
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