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Continued again.. [08 Sep 2002|11:34am] [ mood | worried ] [ music | (none) ] Right.. so here John and I under a bridge and then it happened. He was just hugging me and I started to cry. I cried and cried and eventually we sat down. We just talked about Jeremy. We missed like the whole show. We got back and I found it really funny when John MC screamed, "Where the hell were you guys?!?!" I know a lot of John's: John Ma. John MC. John Mac. John Mat. Uncle John Mat. John T. Jon D. John W. and the list goes on.. September 2, 2002 Work, I drew a kick ass picture, Sophie's birthday. post comment

Continued.. [07 Sep 2002|02:18pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | NIN ] September 1st, 2002 I went into work. It was a long day. After work I went up to the Number One Common/Annyonmous/Absent Of show. I went inside and John was warming up. He turned around with the biggest smile and gave me a huge hug. He was wearing my shirt. John Ma. came! OMG! I haven't seen him in ages! It was good to talk to him. Lol, he kept smiling at me the whole show. I was sad most of the time, so I just sat in Ben's car. John knew something was wrong, so he talked me into going for a walk. We walked down to Michigan and ended up standing under the walk way to the Lake Walk. He kept asking what was wrong and at first I didn't know. He said he wasn't going to ask anymore. Be right back... post comment

August 29th to present.. [02 Sep 2002|08:14pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | (none) ] Thursday, August 29th, 2002 I would have to say this was the shittiest day of the month. I talked on the phone with John all night and then woke up around six. I went to school and I felt like shit. My head hurt bad and I needed sleep. Then work.. I thought I was gonna puke all over. Friday, August 30th, 2002 School was better; it went by faster. John couldn't come over before the show, so I took the longest, warmest shower. We picked up Jen and Robbie and went up to RoundAbout. Ben came and we decided to get Sam. We all got in the car and drove to Sam's. John MC was at the show and I was confused. I called 'tuzie and he walked all the way to RAR to see me and to make sure everything was ok. We spent most of the night on the Lakewalk talking about everything. I missed seeing the Spoogees. :( I guess Al and Sara are getting married. I am going to take a quick shower.. be back later! 1 comment|post comment

*itch* [28 Aug 2002|10:30pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | (none) ] Today work was quite interesting. I got there and the roof started to leak. A magazine company did a photo shoot of our robot. And a bat some how got into the mall and was flying around. I am hurting right now. Blue - you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love. A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life. Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be to great, but eventually you will find your soul mate. Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change. California: You like adventure. Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people. post comment

Hooray for the Winners.. [28 Aug 2002|11:57am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Deadsy- Brand New Love ] Ha! I have the house to myself, well kinda, just Mitzi and myself. My brothers started school today. Phil's at the big school now. I start tomorrow. Woohoo. I was hoping Jeremy would go back to school to atleast try and get his diploma, but I doubt he is. It's his choice. I forgot to mention something about Monday: we saved Josh's life, lol! Actually, I did, but I didn't mean too. Alright, I was just sitting on the sidewalk and Will said, "I love Hayley-Bird! She's my good friend. I had to take care of her at Sevendust." His woman, Shaunie, took the wrong way, so Ben, Josh, Kyle, and Stoner, went over to the Lakewalk and she saved Josh's life by showing her tits. Oh man.. I think I'll play Tomb Raider. *yawn* I have to work today. That should be alright. post comment

Have you seen my sanity? I've seen to left it at home.. [27 Aug 2002|10:22pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | Videodrone- Closer to Coma ] Work went well today. Hmm.. I was going to call Jeremy today, but I was scared. Then all of sudden all these chicks came to mind: goth girl, Liza, Klara, Kerri, Lynn, Sweetcheeks, just think about all the others I don't know about. They're all coming at me now. Oh.. and most importantly Chelsey. I really hope something good happens between them now. I am not going to stop it. I think now.. what if he should've been with Lynn? I ruined that for him and I don't want to ruin this for him. It's so hard. I am just so sad. *sigh* Why am I so selfish? Push away everyone who loves me I don't wanna be like this Just want someone to love me Why am I so childlish? Just because my mother never loved me I don't wanna be like this Just want someone to hold me Videodrone should've never got dropped.. I wonder if they are still a band... ? post comment

And though his mind is not for rent.. [27 Aug 2002|01:25pm] [ mood | gloomy ] [ music | Deadsy- Tom Sawyer ] Yesterday, I went to see 'Signs' with Robbie, his mom, his aunt, and uncle.. freaky. The movie was not scary like Robbie said. Bad ending, I thought so anyways. I saw Jeremy's friend Kerri. She made me sad. I don't know why, but she made me sad. Oh.. I saw Ian too. What's new? He's always at the mall waiting for his "people." Around 8:45 Ben came to pick us up. I sat in my spot; back seat, right side, locked door, window down, and of course my seat belt. I definately need a seat belt, because when Robbie, Ben, and I go out on the town or to the graveyard or wherever we're going, Ben drives really fast and Robbie and I open our doors and shut them. I scared Miranda on the way home, lol. So, next we pick up Miranda and then we decide that we're going to kidnap Josh for awhile. We find Josh and he has to sit on Miranda. We were squished, but it was fun. We got to Pizza Luce around 9:30. Hmm.. I just waited for John. He got there around quarter after 10. He was wearing my shirt. :) Oh.. I talked to Pat. He is going to sell me Tomb Raider III. I am so excited! 5$ Yay! I sat by John for awhile and then I just sat outside by myself. I was sad for some reason. I was about to cry. I don't know why, but then John came outside and sat by me. I wish I could've talked to him about it, but I didn't and wouldn't know what to say. If I did, I would've cried I think, and I don't want him to see me hurt. So, instead I just laid on his knees and tried to keep him warm. He asked if I was ok many times, and I lied and said, "Yes." I think I should really talk to him about it. I want to, but last night, I don't think, was the right place or time. We were both shy. Well, not shy, but.. I don't know. It's like when we first see each other we're just kinda like "oookkk..." Stoner made us hug when John got there though. I think I am scared of him at first. I should try and overcome that. Number One Common made me sad because every song they have makes me think of Jeremy. Every lyric seems to describe how I feel right now. Here is a link to NOC's lyrics if anyone wants to read them otherwise I will try to explain it: Number One Common Lyrics I feel two different ways, both are pretty much even, so adding them together just equals confusion. First of all, it's obvious I still love him very much. I probably always will. My mind is thinking: look at what he's done to you. All the lies, the cheating, the "It-doesn't-matter-how-you-feel-you're-not-a-person" feelings. And my heart feels: I hurt him so bad. Is he going to be ok? Who's going to take care of him? What do I do? Usually seeing Number One Common helps. I can sing with Cory and jump and just get in to it, but not this time. I think it had to do with me being sad or it being at Pizza Luce's, maybe even both. I wasn't used to Pizza Luce's. I miss RoundAbout. I met John's sister Sam. She works at Pizza Luce's. She actaully was the waitress for Jenny and I when we went there. She is really pretty and you can deffinately see the resemblence in them. It is in their noses. Anyways, she is very nice. The show ended and Ben was like hours late and he still had to give everyone a ride home including John and Vinnie. John was going to help his friend find his glasses so he was going to get a ride home from his sister. I was kinda bummed, but he gave me a huge hug. I was sad too, because I didn't get to say bye to Mikey. We threw silverware up the hill until we got to Ben's car. Everyone crammed inside, Miranda, Vinnie, Kyle, and me in the back and Ben, Josh, and Robbie in the front. We drove Vinnie home first. He was funny because he kept yelling that he popped a boner. He lived in 59th, long ass way away. Next, we got gas and headed over to Superior. Ben was going 90 MPH and Bouch and I kept opening our doors across the bridge. We dropped Josh off. Then they dropped Kyle and me off. I got ready for bed and drank hot chocolate and watched cartoons. I just sat on the bed and looked in the mirror. I looked soo worn, sick, sad, and tired. I don't know what to do. I love HIM and I love HIM and I love HER and I love HIM, but I guess most of all I should try and love ME. I think I should really talk to John though. Here is my plans for this week: Tuesday: work Wednesday: work Thursday: school starts/work Friday: Spoogee show Saturday: Number One Common show Sunday: work/dinner with Jeremy and friends (?) Monday: work (10-4) Tuesday or Wednesday: John (?) Maybe we could do the hair thing.. 1 comment|post comment

..his kinda bitch.. [26 Aug 2002|10:43am] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | Insane Clown Posse- Tunnel of LOove ] Today I am doing alright, well actually I am really upset. Jeremy called on Saturday (?). It was hard to hear what he had to say, but now I figured it out. He didn't give a damn about me. He never cared how I felt. Well, he said, "You can't come back. I really want you to so bad, but you can't." But you know what.. fuck that and fuck him! Everything he said was a lie because he met someone new. I am trying not to care. It's kinda helping be angry at him though. No, I am trying to be happy for him. He says he doesn't like her, but I know deep down he does. I think he is trying not to hurt me or he is trying to deny it. She is 'perfect' for him though. Everything he wanted me to be, she is, physically anyways. She is gothic and she has big tits and I'm sure she's not a bitch and she won't piss him off. But he will never meet another me.. ..Won't you be my prom queen?.. Yesterday, it helped having John come over. We just talked about practically everything on our minds. From about 2 o'clock until 8 o'clock we just laid on my floor and talked and talked. It helped me out so much and I think it helped him out a lot too because no one ever listened to him before. We both told each other things we never were able to tell anyone else. It was great because I can trust him and we were both completely honest with each other. Then we traded shirts, lol, sounds funny, but it's not like that. He was wearing this really old cute shirt. It is black and yellow and it has a stick figure with a cape falling from the sky; it says, "Cape does not enable user to fly." He is borrowing my glow-in-the-dark Nine Inch Nail shirt. We traded watches too. He is wearing a pink Hello Kitty watch, lol. His hair is black again. I got to gel it. He looked like an Orgy/Videodrone/Deadsy/Mindless Self Indulgence boy, lol. He looked like anime, but he looked great because he was in all black and he wore his glasses. We used pink hair gel, but it didn't show up pink because his hair is black, duh, lol. It glittered though. We're thinking that when I get my hair cut, we're going to bleach our hair and dye it pink. I would miss his black hair though. He needed a ride home and we needed food. Sooo.. I called Ben. He came over and we drove to KFC, decided we didn't want KFC and went to Hardees. We ate and then drove down to Barker's Island to get the pole. Last night, John W., Josh, Kyle and I went down there because there was some dragon boat races. There was a concert. Anyways, They had all these poles with streamer flags, purple, green, and red. It took forever, but we took one and went across the street and burnt the flags off. I got the purple one. I feel like a game of Tomb Raider. I should get dressed first though because I think I am going to see Signs with Robbie, his mom, and aunt. Oh.. and the show! Number One Common at Pizza Luce's! 10 PM, I hope we can go.. post comment

Continued.. he saved me from the deer.. [23 Aug 2002|09:53am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | (none) ] Last I was writing about Jeremy. I actually saw him yesterday, he was walking to work and I was on my way to the library. I feel so wrong for hurting him and I wish I could make it all better. But if I did come back, would everything be all better? It just always angered me when he said, "I love you." I always thought: if you love me why did you do ________? If you cared so much why did you _________? It always brought me down. I don't even feel like I felt like a person when I was with him. It was like he was the only one with feelings; how I felt didn't matter. It is partly my fault also. I let him do this to me. I could've done something and eventually I did. I guess I could only take so much. But now it ended it. I miss him so much, but I can't go back... Anyways.. Yesterday, Robbie callled around 7. I called Ben. Ben picked me up and then we picked up Robbie. We went to KMart and looked at my pictures. The one of John turned out so that is good, but the one of Kyle and Steve didn't. There's a cute one of Mikey though.. Then we didn't know where to go, so we just drove. Somehow we ended up at the cemetary. So, we like ran around and boy it was creepy. I dunno, I think Robbie suggested it, but we ended up making a movie. Lol, Ben was the zombie I killed 7 years ago, Robbie was the guy he attacked, and I killed the zombie again.. It's really funny. Two days ago, Chewie came to my house. We talked a lot and he's helped me out sooo much. He got sick, so I had to take care of him. He really appreciated it and it made me feel good. I did something good. When he got better, we were sitting on the couch and I said, "Are you from France?" I didn't mean it to be mean, he just looked French for a minute. It turns out he is from France, lol. We walked to the park and we both were super scared. Well, I was scared of Jason and that freaked him out. Not only that, but it was dark and foggy. post comment

A Clockwork Orange, Timothy, and everything in between.. [22 Aug 2002|10:39am] [ mood | smelly ] [ music | (none) ] Sunday, August 17, 2002 I went up to Duluth. Chewie didn't meet me at Garfield. He was going too, but he got his times all messed up because I missed the bus last time. We walked to the store and sat on a bench and ate sour patch kids. John droved by and then turned around and picked us up. He drove us 'home' and we watched "Big Money Hu$tla$." We had a picnic and ate doughnuts. We looked at his yearbooks and then I went home. Earlier that day.. TIMOTHY! I woke up around 6 or 7 and my throat hurt so bad that I was about to cry, but some how I managed to get back to sleep. I woke up around 9 and told my mom. She dropped my cousins off at my Grandma's and then came home and took me to th doctor's. I'll get to the point.. I have a virus in my throat. John and I named it Timothy. I have been thinking a lot about viruses. Just think as I am typing this there is a strand of DNA or RNA attaking and invading my DNA or RNA. Some thing is living in my throat. I am so lost (jokingly) right now. I let John borrow my Deadsy CD and I am borrowing his movie "A Clockwork Orange." It is messed up, but it's all good. I like it, but it reminds me of John and Jeremy. John and I have become the best of friends. He is a very kind and interesting person, but also he is so strange. No, not strange, but different from everybody else. He is not a people person. He is quiet and he does what he thinks is right. He doesn't change himself for others. And like Matty said, he is one of the nicest person I know. I can trust him. The movie reminds me of Jeremy because this guy, Alex, goes out and treats everyone like shit. Then the tables turn and he gets screwed over bad. I just feel so selfish and wrong for hurting Jeremy. I never wanted to, but I couldn't handle it anymore. I'll finish later.. I get to go school shopping now. post comment

12345666789 [16 Aug 2002|12:36pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | (none) ] Jeremy called at about 2 last night and woke me up. I felt so sick though. John called at about 11:30. Our conversation made me uneasy. He doesn't want to lie and I can't blame him. He just didn't sound happy. I don't know what to do. I am stuck between two. I keep wanting to run away from the problem. Maybe I should find a third and blow them both off. I can't hurt John though.. he never hurt me. I don't want to hurt Jeremy though because I know how much it hurts. I've been through it before. What do I do? Follow my heart right? That doesn't help right now because I am so confused. Anyways.. John, Ben, Miranda, and I are going to the beach around 5 tonight. post comment

Subj: More confusion... I'm sorry [16 Aug 2002|09:44am] [ mood | intimidated ] [ music | (none) ] Date: 8/16/02 1:12:37 AM Central Daylight Time From: MUNKY1029384756 To: XKoRnzBaByDoLLX I know I said that I wouldn't talk to you anymore, but its so hard... I lay in my bed and just hope that you call and tell me it's going to be okay, that it's all going to work. But the phone doesn't ring. I wait another day. When I seen you online, I wanted you to talk to me so bad, just for you to acknowledge me. Time goes by so slow. But I can do it. I have to. I need to. I just wish I could undo everything that I did, but I can't. And I don't think I could ever be good enough for you. How I wish I was. I wish I could end this all and just crawl into your arms and you could make it all better ... make it all go away. Miranda told me that I should tell you this. No matter what you chose, I will be happy for you. Even though it might destroy me, at least you get what you deserve and what's best for you. But I will still wait, as long as it takes. Even if it's forever. It's worth it. At least it's a chance, a small one, but a chance nevertheless. You always ask the question 'Why now'? I wanted you to call me the day after the concert, I felt so alone that whole week. I just wanted to see if anyone cared. Also, that day you called and I had to go, my dad was screaming at me and I was almost in tears. I couldn't talk to anyone. Well, I guess that's all I needed to tell you. I miss you. I'll wait..... Jeremy post comment

Help me, I'm helpless.. [15 Aug 2002|06:43pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | (none) ] This morning was kinda funny. I went upstairs around 1:30 because Kyle wanted me to try on pants so if they fit, I could have them. I was trying them on and Phil started bitching. We went downstairs because we thought he was going to attacked us. Next thing we here is things dropping down on the ground. Kyle and I went outside and Phil was throwing all his shit out the window! We thought it was funny at first because he was throwing the dumbest shit out. Then it started to rain and we kept picking everything up and he kept throwing shit out.. He threw out Kyle's CDs and Kyle flipped. He ran upstairs and wacked him on the head with a baton. He stopped then and went on the computer. I am still soo confused. John was going to come over today after band practice and I thought he could talk with me about everything, but you know.. Band practice is like ? .. to ? .. and I doubt he is coming now, but that's ok. Tomorrow, him, Ben, Miranda, and I are going to the beach; I'm sure they'll all help me figure everything out. HIM or HIM? Someone's going to hurt and if I don't I will always be hurt. What do I do? I feel so drained right now. Last night I didn't sleep well. I kept thinking and thinking until about 3. That's when I heard the sirens. I think someone died by my house. I saw the fire truck and the squad car come. The ambulance most of came from the other direction. I am not sure if the man is sick or if he is dead. I know it is the man because I saw the woman in the window. I think he is dead because: They weren't in any hurry getting him out of the house. They didn't use sirens when they left. The woman didn't go with or leave after to go to the hospital. Hmm.. maybe they stabilized him though.. I don't know. I saw the woman today. Wouldn't she go to the hospital? post comment

Tomb Raider + Deadsy = Heaven [14 Aug 2002|12:18pm] [ mood | listless ] [ music | Mindless Self Indulgence- I Hate Jimmy Page ] Last night I had the best dream ever! Ok.. I was at some huge building with chairs and a stage. Kristin was there and she was with a girl. We left and went to a gas station to buy doughnuts. Kristin was gone and I was with this girl and we both totally loved doughnuts so we bought a big box and went back to the show. I know.. the building was kinda like a movie theater. I was up front and some how I was on stage and back stage. Deadsy was playing and they were giving out a whole bunch of free shit. It was awesome. And then next to go on stage; I got to stand right next to him, Trent Reznor. OMG! He had this weird thing he was sitting in. It was like 5 guitars in one. I needed snacks for the show, so I left. I came out of the trail by my grandma's house. I went to her house to find food. She had lot's of yummies, but I didn't think I should take them. I left down the trail and I ended up in a tomb with Marie and John. I was Lara Croft, I had the guns and everything. Marie was hitting on John and I was trying to figure out the way out. I found a lever and monkeys came out and attacked me. The dream restarted and and there was more people. Marie was chunkier and John wouldn't hardly talk. I pulled the lever and killed the damn monkey. Then Marie, John, and I walked down the tunnel and it was really windy; we could barely walk. For some reason I remember water, but it doesn't seem to fit in anywhere. And I am wondering.. what is up with all the monkeys in my dreams? post comment

MJ JM [14 Aug 2002|12:08pm] [ mood | gloomy ] [ music | Mindless Self Indulgence- Clarissa ] Yesterday was hard. Jeremy came over. He cried and cried and cried. I felt so terrible. I hurt him so bad and I am so sincerely sorry, but I don't know what to do. I know though that he has to move on. He says he is going to wait for me, but what if I never came back? That wouldn't be fair. He needs to move on and go on with his life. He can't wait, it's not fair to him. More bad news.. Round About Records is closing on September 13th. Geez.. and the SpotLight is closed (but kinda open). Where are the shows going to be held. This is seriously crushing news. No more RAR? God.. no more shows.. no go potty on the book store floor.. no more carrots from Browsers.. no more fun.. I might not ever see half the kids I know anymore. Dwelling is going to play benefit shows, but can we earn enough money? Exactly how much money do they need? Oh.. I am going to miss it! post comment

Oh man.. [13 Aug 2002|11:36am] [ mood | scared ] [ music | (none) ] Last night Jeremy called. We talked for a long time. He thinks I should get with John. WTF? Alright, now I don't know what to do. He is making me feel really, really sorry for him. I don't know. What if he would change? But people shouldn't have to change people. What if he is telling the truth this time? And what if he's not? I could go with John and then ruin it with Jeremy. Or I could go with Jeremy and never know if I should've been with John? God damnit. Why couldn't he have just made up his mind to stay or go? post comment

July 27h, 2002 (Part One) [12 Aug 2002|08:03pm] [ mood | sore ] [ music | (none) ] July 27th, 2002 I woke up sometime around 9 AM. I felt tired, but excited, and a little sick. I went to my dresser and tried on two KoRn shorts and decided on wearing the 'purple one' because the other one wasa bit too small. For bottoms, I wore Kyle's (one of the Kyle's) long, kakhi, shorts with my tall, white socks coming up to my knees. I went into the bathroom and noticed (ugh) deoderant marks; damn Teen Spirit. I washed them off and then worked on my hair. Like always, I put it up in my "bunny ears," which is pigtails flipped forward so it is all crazy. I used my small, pink clippies to put the loose hair in the back up and I used my favorite bright, pink clippies on my sides. I put purple ball thingies in my "bunny ears." Then I brushed my teeth and smiled. Rarr! Next, I packed for our overnight trip. In my Snoopy sack, I threw in my deoderant, my monkeys-dancing-in-hula-skirt 'jammies, a pair of socks, my PowerPuff Girl shirt, my tooth bursh, and my hair brush. In my back pack I packed: magazines, a coloring book, my reading book, 64 crayons, my 50-marker set, and my graph paper note book. I brought my PowerPuff Girl pillow too. I went downstairs to find out some upsetting news. Phil, who'd rather sleep and sit on the computer all day, decided he wasn't going to go. I remember when Mom and I were buying the tickets I said, "Phil, now you're sure you want to go? You can't change your mind." He said, "Yeah." So I was mad because he was acting dumb. post comment

Help? [12 Aug 2002|04:39pm] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | (none) ] What would you do if every time you fell in love with someone ... you had to say good-bye? What would you do if every time you wanted someone ... they would never be there? August 11th, 2002 ------------------- Well.. I missed the bus again.. I called Bouch to do something while I waited. We were talking about making a band with Ben, and then I saw Ben in the park. Strange. So I went over to see Benjamin. He was with Matt, Aaron, and Mike. They had a really cool fake gun and amazingly, lol, Ben shot my nipple from about 20 feet away. So I talked to those silly boys for awhile. I was walking to the bus stop and then I saw the bus coming. I was like "Holy shit!" and I ran like crazy. The nice bus driver stopped for me, thank god. Bouch got on the bus by his house. We talked and I showed him my neato glow-in-the-dark bracelets. I told him Sam has to buy me a pink bracelet because I bought him a movie. Got off at Garfield, John was waiting for. He gave me a HUGE hug and then we mailed the letter to Marie and walked to his house. He showed me his kitty. Oh, it is soo cute. Then we sat on his bed, which really isn't a bed, and watched Being John Malkovich. That movie is really fucked up. I don't understand it. I got really sick and John was like, "Are you ok? Are you ok?" At first, I tried to hide it. I told him I was fine and he gave me a hug. I felt really sick and I laid down and he just took care of me. I don't know what it was but I felt stoned, weak, light headed and very tired. After laying down on his bed, which isn't really a bed, I felt better. He showed me his art and then I told him he was very, very good and then he told me, "I could never paint a picture as beautiful as you." Then he told me how happy I made him. Wow.. I never knew I made anyone soo happy. So we talked and talked.. and we're really close now. He is even going to cut my hair. On the hand... Jeremy. Who and the hell does he think he is?! He thinks he can walk all over me. You know, he never cared about how I felt. I always came last. Now he's like.. I'll change, I'll change. Yeah, and he said that last time. Now I don't know if I should believe him or not. But I will never be treated like he treated me ever again. And now there are more people involved. Do you think I want to hurt them? I can't just leave my friends and John just because Jeremy all of a sudden misses me. You know, I just feel like he does this to me because his friends aren't around. Like I said, I always came last. First, I was special, then I wasn't even a friend, and now I'm not even a person. He wants to see me. I thought hecould take me out to eat. I called and no answer so there was his chance. He told me to call, I did, and he had his chance to see me. It's a one time only deal and I already ate dinner. Today I went car shopping with my dad and Kyle. It was fun. I got to drive a Dodge Neon (shitty), a Cavalier (shitty), a used Mercedes Benz (terrible shifting), and my favorite a Pontiac Grand Am which worked well and I can actually back up with it. post comment

One more thing... [11 Aug 2002|10:33am] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Deadsy- Flowing Glower ] What about when I need someone to be there for me? It's like there is no time for me. What about when I would like to do something? It's always all about him. What's the deal here? No communication for couple weeks and then all of sudden he wants to talk? What are all his friends busy or something? And me.. what if I moved on? What if I adjusted to him not being there? Am I just suppose to drop everything for him; stop my life and break my plans because 'oh my' Jeremy's back? I am sorry. I don't want or mean to be mean, but who the hell does he think he is? Does he ever think about me and my feelings? Why now, huh? OooOooh.. he's getting to me. *yawn* I had a weird dream about two monkeys that would walk around my yard, lol. Last night, I couldn't sleep and I saw two pretty deer from my window. It was pretty. ------------------------------------------------------------ XKoRnzBaByDoLLX [11:01 AM]: ben..can you ship people in the mail? VomitProjectile [11:01 AM]: why XKoRnzBaByDoLLX [11:02 AM]: because i want you to ship me away VomitProjectile [11:03 AM]: I dont think i can do that XKoRnzBaByDoLLX [11:03 AM]: why not? VomitProjectile [11:03 AM]: cause i dont think its legal XKoRnzBaByDoLLX [11:04 AM]: so? no one has to know you were involved VomitProjectile [11:04 AM]: where would i ship you XKoRnzBaByDoLLX [11:04 AM]: washington VomitProjectile [11:07 AM]: state? XKoRnzBaByDoLLX [11:07 AM]: yeah VomitProjectile [11:07 AM]: why XKoRnzBaByDoLLX [11:07 AM]: why not? VomitProjectile [11:07 AM]: why washington VomitProjectile [11:07 AM]: why not new york or canada XKoRnzBaByDoLLX [11:08 AM]: i just like washington XKoRnzBaByDoLLX [11:08 AM]: i don't know why VomitProjectile [11:08 AM]: why ------------------------------------------------------------ HHero3000 [10:53 AM]: hes only playing guilt trips on you to make you feel guilty XKoRnzBaByDoLLX [10:53 AM]: are you sure? HHero3000 [10:53 AM]: yes I am sure HHero3000 [10:54 AM]: look he hurt you how many times now? HHero3000 [10:54 AM]: he cheated on you HHero3000 [10:54 AM]: and now that he notices what he is missing out on he wants it back...but why do you want to go back to someone that treated you horribly when you have someone now that is treating you the way you should ------------------------------------------------------------ "Follow what you feel, you alone will decide what's real, anyone can be your brand new love." post comment

Too many questions that cannot be answered.. [10 Aug 2002|07:58pm] [ mood | weak ] [ music | KoRn ] Ugh.. I wrote a really super long entry this morning and it didn't get put on my LJ. Damn.. I'll try and remember some of it so I can get the main thoughts. I was angry this morning.. I was really upset about the Jeremy thing. I don't know how to feel. Jeremy makes me feel like I am a terrible wicked person. That might be true or he might be putting me on a guilt trip. John called and he's not feeling good, but he told me that I am a great person and that I shouldn't feel that way. I don't know what to think. I know I can't trust Jeremy after the cheating. It should've ended there, but I believed he would change only to find out that he was just going to do it again. So many lies.. How can I believe that he loves me? Can someone trust someone after sooo much damage? I hate the way I was treated. Then he has a problem with me doing things with other people. Well excuse me! Wow, guys, Hayley has friends, but she shouldn't talk to them. It's like he doesn't do anything with his friends. Let's see.. Sunday- John day Monday- recover from John day Tuesday- work Wednesday- I work Thursday- work Friday- (my day) John's day Saturday- work I don't see anytime for Hayley. So he wants like this 'serious relationship,' right? Is that even possible if there's no communication? I remember telling how I felt too. He said Friday would be my day. Now, he is mad because I do 'things with other people.' Well, first, sorry you're never around. Second, am I not allowed to have friends? Excuse me, but you know, atleast they are there for me. You know if it wasn't for thier help and advice I would be a wreck. So thank you friends! You all are so special. ------------------------------------------------------------ Sam- Hey, I heard you're not grounded from the tele. Thank you, your advice has helped the most. It's been with me every since we last talked. I am sorry I slapped you. And thank you so much for giving me a sister! You are the best brother-in-law in the world! I love ya! Bailee- Thank you for all the late night telephone conversations. I remember the first time I met you. God, I felt like an ass crying and crying, but you were so amazingly understanding and you made my tears go away like *snap*! Thanks hun! Jinny- Ahh.. I miss you sooo much. Man, we did a lot of crazy shit! Member the mall? He he, sorry about the bus thing. If you come back I promise we'll ride the bus and walk like 50 thousand miles all around Duluth again, lol! Marie- You are truly my bestest friend. I miss you. And just remember you started the rainbow necklace craze. I wish we could have our pizza party's again... I miss you soo much. Come and visit soon! Sophie- I never met you, but I love getting letters from you. I don't know what it is, but for some reason I can tell you anything. Thanks for listening to all my problems. John- I know we just met, but you have been the absolute best! You are a very amazing awesome and caring person. I really enjoy our conversations. You are truly a sweetheart! Thank you so much for loving me for who I am and making me feel like a person! We still have to go to the beach and watch your movie, lol. Kyle D.- Damn boy, you kick ass! I am glad you think you found the special one. I know you love her and I hope it works. (?) I am glad we shared our happy times together, lol, and thanks for all the high fives. Miranda- I can trust you and you understand where I am coming from. You advice has helped so much and thanks for always being there for me. And thanks for wanting to kill everyone that would hurt me. Nina- I enjoy seeing you at the shows and thanks for helping me get my nerve up to talk to HIM, lol. Oh, and Happy Birthday! I member your party from last year! Take care and good luck. Ben-Jam-In- Ben, you are really fucked up, but we all still love you! You look .. great (?) in your yellow-green jacket when you dance around like a retard. You still owe mea snack pack you know? Oh, and I know your dirty little secret.. Say hello to Matt Preston forme, lol, I hope you guys had fun camping. Robbie- We haven't talked for like ever until today. He he, you're right, Drew could be anything and you will probably make money off him. Stay cool and be nice to your mom. Kyle ?- Alright, I'll probably never see or talk to you again, but you are so fucking awesome. It was great seeing KoRn with you and thank you so much for taking care of me during the show. I would probably be dead if it wasn't for you. And thanks for the water, you didn't have to share. KoRn kicked ass and it was even better havng you watch my back. Thank you so much, you didn'thave to do that, but you're a sweetheart. Mikey from NOC- Thanks for sitting on the sidewalk with me while I drew dumb pictures on the back of your demo. Your socks were cute (even though they were your girlfriends, lol). Alright, you can have Angelina Jolie, but I get Lara Croft, deal? See now I don'thave to kill you. Thanks for letting Ben know that his head is too big for his body and all the 'man hugs.' Oh, member the post office? My dad thinks you're groovy. Tish and Jen Z.- We haven't talked for awhile, but you guys are always there if I need something. Thanks for all the help and advice over the past couple years. Yeah, we should 'do coffee' sometime, lol. I love you kids. Josh- I am sorry I picked you, but aren't you lucky? You get to listen to me all the time now. The Tomb Raider days were great, lol. Sorry, she wasn'tnakie like you wanted her. There is tons of people I forgot and I am soo sorry. I still love you guys, I just have to get going. Take Care Everyone! post comment

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