Fairy Princess Kitten's Journal

Time:	9:10 am.
Mood:	worried.
Music:	quiet typing.

Alright so first day of classes and time to think about things that aren't so depressing. It's interesting to go back to school because I realize that there are a lot of people that I tend to forget about when I'm away. I had a nice talk with Sunita this morning when we caught the same shuttle only to find thatw e both have 8AM theatre classes and got to hang out for a little while with Lindsay and some actors that are in my costume class. Interestingly there are quite a few people I know in my costume class, hopefully the ones I actually get along with will be in my lab section. I'm not particularly worried about the lab because I've done a bit of sewing before.
What I am worried about is my movement class. I mean, I knew I'd have to take something acting-ish if I wanted to be general theatre mjor but it's that inherent insecurity kicking in. I know that I can act at least half decently when I'm comfortable and given the opportunity. I still think it's terrifying. At least here it is because I'm going to be in a class with a bunch of people that actually want to act and think that they're good at it. It wasn't so bad at ElCo because at least then I didn't know them very well and people took classes for fun. Oh well, I'll have to suck it up and just go through with it... I'll at least force myself through the first class, if I hate it I'll try to switch into stage management or something to that effect.

Comments: Hit me, baby!.

Time:

6:48 am.

Just wanted to post some stuff that I wrote while in Mexico... old news that no one really has to read but I'd like it in lj just in case anyway...

Time keeps passing and I keep wondering how things will work out. It’s like knowing how the novel ends when you’re halfway through the first chapter; you may know that things will be alright but you keep guessing how you’re going to get there.
I even looked up the stages of grief and all that. I guess it’s my way of dealing with things, if I can intellectualize it I’ll be alright. Rosie does it with a bottle of liquor. She feels okay if she’s drunk and emotional. I don’t think it’s very healthy, but if she wants to do it then she’s free to screw up her life as she pleases.
I keep expecting it to hit me. I keep expecting to just break down and start bawling. It’s like I’m waiting to get angry, to cry out against God and the world and demand to have him back because he shouldn’t have died. But I don’t. I’ve cried. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve cried because it hurts and because I’m sad that he’s gone and because I’ll never see him again. I’ve cried because it hurts to see people I love hurting, because I can’t stand to see that my father, who I’ve never truly seen sad, seems to have this whole defeated air around him, and because my Abuelita tries so hard to be strong in front of everyone and I know that it hurts her and that she’s sad and that although she trusts that God has taken him away to a better place and it’s all God’s will she still hurts.
I still haven’t gotten angry or tried to bargain it away. I don’t think I will. I knew that he was going to die; I just didn’t expect it to be so soon.

Comments: Hit me, baby!.

Time:

6:45 am.

Just wanted to post some stuff that I wrote while in Mexico... old news that no one really has to read but I'd like it in lj just in case anyway...

I keep wondering where my parents went “wrong” and made me so different from my siblings and from my family. Why is it that I’m the one that sticks out like a sore thumb at any family get together? I mean, I wonder how much of it is my innate personality and how much of it is how I was raised. How is it that I love my family dearly and would do anything for them but I don’t feel like part of it? I feel like I’m just the other daughter/niece/granddaughter/whatever. I’m not as bright and bubbly as Cynthia and I never will be and apparently that’s enough to… whatever, it just means that I don’t really mingle with the family much. I’m not like them, or at least that’s the way I’m treated. I don’t make idle small talk about stupid things and care about plastic surgery and fashion. I’m too serious and quiet.
I just don’t feel connected to anyone. Things were okay with my Abuelita and my Nina and Mariana the last time I was here but now I can’t really talk to any of them and everyone seems so much more interested in Cynthia. I’m not interesting enough. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. Apparently I’m not worth the effort of getting to know.
I guess this is why I’ve always only had a small group of friends. I’m not a people person in the vast majority of situations. I can’t handle pretending to like people. I’m more social and accepting of social norms and all that than Martin and I would like to go out and meet people and talk to people and such but sometimes I realize that he has a point in his way of looking at things. Why bother putting so much effort into people if they don’t even notice that you’re there? Why bother with having more friends if you’re not close enough to them to really talk and have them be there for you when you need it?
Sandra freaks out about Martin being over protective and all but I guess it’s just because we worry about each other. It might just be my concept that my boyfriend should also be my best friend. What’s the point of finding someone you want to be with if you can’t share things with that person? (On a side note, I’m still annoyed that people keep harping on that one incident. Martin freaked out once. Yes, he overreacted. Yes, it was a bit much for the situation. However, that doesn’t make him borderline abusive or anything. I’d be pretty damn worried too if I couldn’t get a hold of him after calling a bunch of times and no one else knew where he was… particularly if we’re accustomed to talking to one another every night.) It’s the same thing that annoyed Rachel about me. I clung to Daniel even after we broke up and such because he was a good friend. It’s just the thing that I get the feeling that even if Martin and I broke up I wouldn’t stop talking to him. I invest too much in people emotionally to just let them go. I guess that’s why it hurts so much when it seems like people aren’t willing to put in that same effort, or any effort at all it seems.
I’m unexpectedly 3,000 miles away from home for the majority of my winter break and I think the only plans I’ve missed out on were some things I wanted to do with Martin. I won’t get to see Phantom until I get back and those pictures I wanted to take on Third Street and in Hollywood will have to wait ‘til later. *pouts* I really wanted to go see Phantom. I rather wanted to visit Ryan too but that’s a whole other matter that I don’t want to go into right now.
I could almost say that I miss CAMS, but I know that I don’t. I miss drama. I miss my niche. I miss having the security to be myself and knowing that I’ll be accepted for it. It’s not that I’m not developing that with Jasper, Sunita, Lindsay, Andrea and various others in the theatre department, but it’s not the same. I think the closest I’ve found is Omar and he’s graduating soon. I miss randomly hugging people or being carried across the room for no apparent reason and I miss talking to people and crying with people and being allowed to talk without feeling like a child. You know, despite the fact that I don’t work and don’t drive, I don’t have the mind of a twelve year old, despite what many people would like to believe.

Comments: Hit me, baby!.

Time:

8:58 pm.

So, I can't make this too long because I'm tying up the phone line so I'll try to get to the point quickly.

My Abuelito died on Wednesday and my mother, father, sister and I got on the first available flight to Mexico.
The viewing, funeral, church service and burial were all on Thursday. It was hard but we're getting through it. The good thing is that all my my dad's brothers and sisters are here along with a good deal of my cousins. Having all of her kids around seems to be helping my grandma out a lot though we all still worry about her at times.
My family will stay at least for the novenario, the nine days of church services and rosaries for my grandfather. We're proabably going to stay at least a couple weeks. My mom might stay with my grandma a few months so she won't be alone and my dad's looking into retiring within the year to come live out here.
So I'm 3,000 miles away from home and miss you all. I'll get back to ya with more details later.

Martin, darling, call me I need to talk to you about sending some stuff. Anyone else that sees this if you can call mMrtin I'd love you dearly.

Comments: 1 bruise Hit me, baby!.

Time:	11:52 pm.
Mood:	disappointed.

Yay! Finally went with my sister to get a Christmas tree for the house today. I think it looks beautiful but it makes me sad. I mean, we've been doing the whole Christmas tree thing since about '94 or '95 and my mom has been buying my sister ornaments and various things as we've gone along. The tree has always been my sister's thing. Our first tree was rather sad and too tall for us to put any kind of tree topper on it. It only had the ornments we had gathered over the years from friends and such. All in all it was a rather pathetic little Christmas tree. So then we bought a new set of ornaments every year and just kept adding to the tree. It made the tree a little less sad and have quite a few more good memories.
And then my sister went crazy. She decided that we needed a beautiful Home&Garden; type tree, a Martha Stewart Living tree. So she bought only white lights and gold ribbon and it had to all be color coordinated. Last year I don't even think I was involved in the whole tree process because I just didn't know how to make things look right. So this we have a matching set of ornaments that my nina made for Cynthia and ribbon and lights. None of the sets from years past with penguins and elves and Santas... just the pretty decorator type stuff. I mean, the tree looks great. I'll give her that. I just wish it was more personal. Isn't that what Christmas is supposed to be about?

Comments: Hit me, baby!.

Time:	10:03 pm.
Mood:	cold.

How is it that on the one day I just need someone to love me for me there's no one willing to do that?

Would it really be that hard for someone to say: "Hey, thanks for those stockings you made" or "Oh hey, that looks really cute"? I could honestly deal with a "Hi, how was your day?". Apparently all of my chosen pastimes are not worthy of notice.

To make myself feel better I shall write about what I did today anyway.

I finally got around to reading Moliere's Misanthrope. Apparently professors seem to think that everyone else covers Misanthrope so they'll do Tartuffe instead. Therefore, I'd never read it before. Interesting, though it drives me batty how the entire thing is in rhyming couplets.

I finally got around to sewing Carla's and Daisy's stockings. Carla's has a doggy theme while Daisy's is in red, green and yellow. I personally like Daisy's because I tried something new. I'll try to get pictures up of our new decorations soon. Carla, Daisy, Jenn and I painted a fireplace with mosaic flames and a wooden looking mantelpiece so we could hang up all of our stockings. I made an itty bitty stocking for Jenn's hamster too. Elise took it upon herself to wrap our door in cute penguin wrapping paper and put a big red velvet bow on it. It helps me not get lost in the lovely symmetrical building anymore.

I also finished Sandra's stocking. It's cute and has Oscar the grouch on it. It also uses a safety pin to hold it up because a) it's top heavy (damn plush) and b) it seems to go with the garbage can theme more.

I really should be doing my reading for my British Literature class because I have a paper due on Tuesday but between the hormones I'm taking and this whole not feeling great thing I'm in no mood for depressing English ex-patriates.

Comments: 1 bruise Hit me, baby!.

Time:

8:54 pm.

So I was in a car accident yesterday. It wasn't anything major but I truly feel bad for the mustang, it looks all lop-sided now. Some jackass almost hit us trying to cut in front of us so Martin had to break hard while changing lanes and the car skid and caught traction at the wrong time and kinda hit the nice railing on the freeway ramp thingy. This is why an emergency lane would have been nice. Then nothing would have happened and all would be merry. Of course I still say Martin should've plowed through the other car to prove a point. The nice steel of the mustang would have plowed through its bumper like a hot knife through butter. Oh well. Damn Martin's instincts to not harm others.
Alright, I know someone out there is going to blame this on Martin and I just want to say that even if you do think it's his fault please don't tell me about it. I'm dreadfully happy that no one got hurt, the car only has superficial damage it appears (it was nice enough to let us drive home), and I've truly heard enough people saying bad things about him to last a life time. I love him, he loves me, we're both okay and that should be enough.

Comments: 1 bruise Hit me, baby!.

Time:	3:50 pm.
Mood:	sad.
Music:	My dad and sister talking in the kitchen.

So I now understand that my sister's beauty will always be more important to my parents than me. It's not like I'm not used to not being listened to or cared about, but sometimes it just gets to me a little more.
I was talking to my parents in the kitchen today. Odd that we were all in the same place and actually talking. So my dad asked how school was going. It seems like he does it more out of obligation than any genuine concern most of the time. I think he just wants to be sure that I'm still actually attending school and not just wasting my scholarship money. I'm not sure if that would make a huge difference to him, it'd just be a third child coming back to live at home and that would get a bit crowded. My mom asked about a book she let me borrow for a report I wrote a couple weeks back. Wow, they remembered something. Amazing. I think she was more interested in getting the book back than in my report. Now, I was rather proud of my report because I got an A and I think it actually deserved the grade. The prof. said that I could submit it to a contest or a conference with just a bit of revising. I do tend to be rather comma-happy at times. So this is one work that I feel some pride in that I would actually like to talk about. So I started to tell them about it because the prof freaked me out at first...
Then my sister walked in.
Of course all eyes turned to here because she always hasd to announce when she gets home. She waltzed into the kitchen with some modeling pictures her friend took of her for class. my parents have seen these pictures a half dozen times over since he took them. Now they just happen to be bigger. So she laid them out on the table and now my parents are talking to her about them. My dad's all excited and talking about photography and such.
I'll just go curl up with my paper now. I need to find some literary friend that will make me feel like not such a huge dork when I do well. Or at least ask me how my English classes are going instead of my makeup class. I would really love just one person to talk to intelligently without being intimidated, someone who is willing to talk about literature without automaticaly thinking the whole concept of an English Lit. major is pointless and for idiots, that would just make me feel better about loving what I've chosen to do with my life.

Is that so much to ask for?

Comments: 2 bruises Hit me, baby!.

Time:	9:26 pm.
Mood:	tired.
Music:	Jenn's videogame.

Should I be worried that I've finished just about all of my reading and it's only 9:00? It almost seems like there's something wrong, I'm used to telling myself to just push on til midnight and then get some rest to finish in the morning or immediately before class. Maybe I'll actually have time to relax during my breaks tomorrow instead of doing homework... and time to eat breakfast and walk to class instead of reading on the shuttle. Amazing what happens when nothing big is due and there are no tests. Heck, I even have time to update my livejournal. If you're lucky I'll even post pictures in the morning.
Alright so I didn't exactly rest, and it's kinda not last night that I'm posting this. Carla came into the room shortly after I wrote that because I mentioned to her that I had a string of blue lights that Martin took me to buy at Target and to knock on the door so we could put them up together. So we had the brilliant idea of going to Target to buy more lights and look at trees. So Jenn, Carla, and I ran out to Jenn's car and went on a trip to Target...well we passed by Big Lots but that was closed so we ran to Target. Just made it and looked at the pretty fake trees and discussed holiday decoration options before they closed. Rushed to the register and bought our Christmas lights. I already had a long string of white and one of blue so I bought another one in gold, Carla bought one in red and green and Jenn bought a purple string. So yeah, then Carla and I had lots of fun playing Christmas carols and putting up lights.
You'd think that'd be easy, right?
Ha. Ha ha ha! Yeah... right... We can't put nails in the wall so we had to use pushpins because we only had two safety pins with which to hang things from the ceiling and no paperclips. We could have used duct tape for all of it but it looks ugly so we only used it once when absolutely necessary. We need to buy a wreath to cover that up. I say it looks beautiful and the suite on the other side of the bathroom was impressed, as was the downstairs RA that we dragged up to marvel at our creation. Sandra said something about it looking forced and sleep hollow-ish but *shrug* It makes us happy so all is well. We have plans for a tree and lots of other things too but that all depends on money and time and all those pesky details.
So yeah look! pictures!
christmas lights

Comments: 1 bruise Hit me, baby!.

Time:	2:11 pm.
Mood:	melancholy.
Music:	TLC's In a Fix.

Alright so all three of my midterms are over... now if only I didn't have so many papers to write. Makes me wonder why I'm an English major sometimes. Then I remember that no matter how much I complain about it, I love doing it. I love doing the whole theatre thing more but I don't think I could handle the lowered intelligence level among most actors. I mean, I love them dearly, I just can't stand the fact that they are incredibly talented and refuse to put any effort into any other subject. *sigh* Oh well.
I'm sad, the show closes on Saturday. Just two more shows of crewing and I'm done for the semester. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to love having time again, but *sniffle* I kinda like living in the theatre building. If all goes well I'll be taking Movement, Stage Management, and Costume next semester. That means two crews and lots of scene work. It should be enough to keep me busy in addition to my two literature classes. *grins* I finally get to take a Shakespeare class. I would be worried, but *shrug* I always worry and then I always end up with the grades that I want so it's no big deal. Either way, I haven't registered yet and knowing me I'll probably end up with a completely different schedule than what I'm currently suggesting.
La la la, I need to start planning craft stuff, I haven't been feeling creative lately. My side of the room looks sad just because I don't have the energy to decorate... or organize really. I'll prolly get around to doing that tomorrow morning, I've got nothing better to do before my last show. *cries* Buh-byes Cloud Nine, you will be sorely missed.

Comments: Hit me, baby!.

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