Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in jenny aka jenzyjen's LiveJournal:

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Monday, September 30th, 2002
12:01 am	i was shiiiiiit faced! yeah so last night i was feeling pretty shitty. pretty fucking depressed. i decided jenny needed to get drunk. and boy did i.lets just say i felt better (numb) after a few drinks. first i started off with some E&J.; then i moved on to the vodka. after a couple shots of that i moved on to the orange twist....twice, then there was the pineapple rum. i think i had another shot of something else. i did that in about a 15 minute period. and considering the fact that i never ever drink i was fuckin feelin it by the last 3. Eric was hanging out with me. he said he wasn't going to drink, but then i started drinking. so he drank with me. we both were fucking plastered. we sat out on the steps talking for what seemed like hours even though only minutes had gone by. we had a connection. i barely remember the whole conversation but i do disintcly remember...."i don't know why i'm going to tell you this, maybe because i'm drunk....but i like you" then he went on about how he did i think....i can't remember clearly. all i heard was "blah blah blah, your cool, blah blah blah." but i kinda like him so i was wondering if i was just hearing things or if i was imagining. but it was real. why the fuck do guys like me? i like him but i don't wanna fuck up our friendship. fuck fuck fuck. fuck! but anyways. we decided the party was getting lame so we went back to the dorms and hung out. by that time i could not for the life of me keep my eyes open. we i didn't have a key to get to my room and my roomate wasn't there so eric had me sleep in his room. how i walked up 75 stairs with my eyes closed i have no idea. Eric took care of me though. he helped me walk up the last 10 steps seeing i was falling all over the place and then he helped me to his roomates bed....(he wasn't there) i couldn't sleep but i couldn't keep my eyes open so i laid in bed talking to eric till like 3ish. i have no fucking idea how time was going, fast, slow, fast, and slower. but i spilled a lot of shit on the table that i normally don't tell people. it takes me awhile to put a card down, but i put down almost the whole fucking deck. no i didn't talk about my ed, or me cutting, or me being molested, but just about everything else. how i'm insecure and feel like 2 people. happy/depressed. how people expect me to always be happy it seems. but he seemed to care. he listened. he tried to make me feel better. he kept telling me how i'm cool and he likes to hang out with me because i'm fun and if i want to be sad i should be. i just threw those cards out there. but he was cool, he got me something to drink so i wouldn't have to get up, he gave me a sucker, tried to help me put the ball back on my tongue ring (and no not with his tongue dirty minds you!) since i'd been playing with it and couldn't put it on for the life of me. i don't know. should i tell how i feel?? HELP ME PLEASE!!! I COULD REALLY USE ADVICE!!! i woke up feeling fine, just a lil tired. but my stomache hurt cuz i hadda pee like a mother fucker. anyways. we hung out today. he talked with me while i did laundry. we were supposed to watch super troopers but he had a lot of homework so i told him to just do that and we'll watch it another time. i was kinda hoping he'd say no don't worry about it. but oh well. i was pissed at nick and john cuz they were being fucking assholes to me. i told eric that. he listened. fuck jenny stop this!!! WHAT TO DO?!?!?! Current Mood: uncomfortable (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 28th, 2002
1:55 am	if only i'm so fuckin depressed right now. why? who the fuck knows. just because. because i'm fucked up in the head. because i can't seem to do anything right. i miss my friends from home. i want love. i want affection, i want to be held. i want to be shown i'm cared for. i want to push it away and say fuck it. fuck this. fuck having someone. fuck love. fuck all that shit. i want to cry i want to cut. i want eat. i want to starve. i want to be skinny. i want recovery. i want everything and nothing. i just want to feel normal. whatever the fuck that is. hold me.love me. care for me. push me away. fuck you. no. ok then. scared of anything remotely sexual. scared of you. scared of me. i kinda like this guy eric. why? i don't know. i normally wouldn't think about it. fuck you. why do i have to feel like this? why do i have to feel? am i truly happy? or is it all fake? am i fake? who knows. i shun you away. i scare you away. too many problems. whats on the outside is not on the inside. i like to think that i'm always happy and always full of smiles but thats not true. right now isn't true. i just keep thinking maybe...maybe someday i can be who i want to be. maybe i can do the things i want. i shouldn't be because you'd think i was doing that now. nothing seems real right now. i'm living in a fake world where i always smile and and always hyper and in a good mood. i'm the one who everyong calls jit j or jittery jenny. i'm supposed to be the one who has fun no matter what, and just makes the best of things. WHY IS SO MUCH EXPECTED OF ME???? FUCK YOU! i'm rambling now. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 25th, 2002
10:25 pm	BAHAHA FloatingBell: I find myself attracted to an older man FloatingBell: I know, it's not normal, I'm screwed up JenzyJen: i'm never big on having boyfriends FloatingBell: he is really old JenzyJen: how old? FloatingBell: you wouldn't believe it JenzyJen: oh ok FloatingBell: he is beautiful tho, white hair and a muscular body JenzyJen: how old? FloatingBell: around 60 JenzyJen: BAHAHAHA (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 24th, 2002
2:21 pm	fuck me i haven't written in awhile. i guess i just don't know what to write. i don't know what to feel. i am once again slipping into numbness. my body is my devil. i worship it. it's also my temple. i love it i hate, i love it i hate i love i hate it even more. it's disgusting. i am restricting. one meal a day. if that. when i am empty i have accomplished something that books can't teach me. i have done something good. i was strong that day. but then i have school and i feel i must eat lunch because if i don't everyone will wonder why the little girl doesn't want to eat. why is she afraid of food. why does she have all these weird habits when she eats. i must eat as normal as possible around them. they can't suspect. they can't know about my fear of food and that once i eat i am not clean anymore. that once i have a bite my body wants more and i can't control what i put in my mouth or my stomache anymore. i have been waiting at least 12 hours before i eat again. before i can even have a snack. and they must be "safe". safe meaning they can't scare me. i got a sandwich today and i asked for a little bit of mustard. when more was put i kept thinking too much too much. i ate and kept thinking you have to stop now or you'll lose. if you eat the whole thing you are a bad person. there are people in some small country who never have the oppurtunity to eat such fattening foods that just clog your arteries and go straight to your hips. my legs are the worst. when i stand my thighs almost touch, if they touch thats bad. i want it gone. i don't want an ass. i want to look like a little kid. i want to be skinny, i want to be healthy. if i get skinnier then the whole 95lbs i am then i'll be ok to eat like a "normal" humun being. thats bad thoughts. i shouldn't be thinking that. i shouldn't be so worried. why is it such a big deal that i have to wait an even number of hours before i can even have a snack. why should i even be thinking that i need to lose weight. why can't i just be happy being me? why do i feel like i must do this to myself. self destruct. hurt my body. kill who i really am. i worked so hard to get where i am and what am i doing? i'm fucking up. i've been doing this for about a week now and i decided i needed to read wasted again (for the 3rd time) to comfort myself that i'm not alone. that i'm not an invalid for thinking the way i do. thinking that maybe somethings not right like when i was born a chunk of it was missing and thats why i can't live like a normal person. i can't have normal problems. i can't be touched. i can't be loved. i can't have commitment. the only thing i can commit to myself is smoking and starving. sunday i felt so proud to say i only ate a small bag of chips. not even the whole thing (100 calories) and a cereal bar. maybe some coke. no where near 1000 calories. should that really be an accomplishment? or a downfall? whatever. i need a wake up call because i can't stop now. Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 21st, 2002
4:56 pm	WTF How do you feel about love? Are You a Liar? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 18th, 2002
1:03 am	hmmm........... well it's been awhile since i've posted and goddamn lj had to go and fuck up. i wrote a whole thing earlier about how i was feeling and shit. but lj sucks my nuts. anyways i'm numb. theres no feeling right now except empitness.....well i wish i ate a twinkie and that had 150 godamn calories. but i went for a walk and fuck i'm really slipping. i don't know. one day i want to be skinny...the next i want to be healthy but fuck. it's like i'm bipolarexcia or something. i dunno. today i felt like shit all day. i went to work but i thought i was going to die. i was so goddamn dizzy i started feeling nauesous and i just felt crappy so i left early. i had to hold on to the counter or else i thought i was going to fall. hm. maybe it's cuz i've been eating like shit. or maybe i just don't know. one day i eat "normal" for me so that means 2 meals (small) and the next i eat barely a meal. i'm fucking up my body so much. well i came home and watched van wilder and finally started feeling better. i was playing video games with adrian (who's pretty goddamn cute but i wouldn't go for him) and john and i was freezing. adrian touched my hand and was like damn girl you feel dead. i don't. theres this thing called the freshman 15 where all the girls normally gain 15 pounds. wow good thing for an anorexic to hear. i really freaked then. i know i've lost weight but i still feel fat. my pants are a little looser and i just wish i had a scale. it's like i'm falling but trying to climb back up a mountain with no support no one to grab me in case i slip and fall but i keep losing my footing and i just slip deeper into the dark abyss below. where theres nothing for me but the fact that i think i'd be happier down there makes me want to purposely slip into this darkness i'm afraid of. i'd be able to be myself and argue with myself over who won this battle between me and my other voice. but of course i know who really would win. ramble ramble ramble this will make no sense tomorrow. i'm going to bed maybe i'll feel better in the morning Current Mood: numb (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 11th, 2002
11:49 pm	(1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 9th, 2002
2:29 pm	good morning anorexia nervosa my thoughts are overtaking me. i'm too tired to fight back. slipping. my strength, my happiness, my body. everythings falling. spinning. twisting. turning. floating aimlessly into a mist of black nothingness. nowhere to go. no place to turn. just a hole. slipping farther to a place of no return. a place that only my mind can imagine going. a place where no one knows my name or cares. A place where i huddle in a corner and it's only me and my head talking to each other and fighting over who wins this battle, but in the end my mind does. no more words. no more thought. no more crying. no more dying. no more suffering. no more fighting. no more battles. unsettling. can't sit still. thinking. scraping my brains. fighting the thoughts that are winning. maybe if i cover my ears i won't hear my thoughts leaking out. pouring all over my body and making me feel worthless. ***brain rambling******* Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 8th, 2002
6:40 pm	tweeeeeeeeeeeeeeker Sleep? Hell no. Rest? Hell no.. You have too much to do, a lot to acomplish. Stay away from coffee and sharp objects. take the druggie quiz Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Friday, September 6th, 2002
10:58 pm	mace in the face ok you guys would never believe how incredibly DUMB i am!! i'm going to look back on this laugh....someday, not today, or tomorrow. i was in english and we SOMEHOW got on the subject of mace. i pulled mine and we were looking at it, me and like 2 other kids. well i was putting it back into the case and didn't realize it was unlocked.....went right it the girls face next to me!! yeah not good she was crying and almost passed out. shes ok now. maybe i'll buy her flowers. note to self: hide mace from yourself Current Mood: guilty (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 4th, 2002
10:56 pm	Your Sex Life's a Zero! You're every prude's biggest hero, Because your sex life is a zero. There is one thing I am willing to bet... That you haven't even had sex yet. How Does *Your* Sex Life Compare? Click Here to Find Out! Do *You* Need A Boob Job? (Comment on this)
7:58 am	i have a motive.... urg can't fit into old pants. must fit back into them...... Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Monday, September 2nd, 2002
11:09 am	i think i did a bad... i was in my weird mood all night last night and talked to adam online. now i feel really vulnerable and like i shouldn't have done that. i want things to be the way they were with me i guess. me feeling secure around him. i'm unraveled. my knot has come un done. i really don't know how else to explain it but that i'm not really me around him but i am. i don't feel like me. thats not what i want. maybe i just really shouldn't even be pondering this. i just need to think of him as a good friend. i don't even know what we are. i'm not anybodys playtoy. that would require being close to another human being. (physically) and i'm bluntly i'm scared to death of that. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 1st, 2002
9:03 pm	i am who i am because of what i've been through.. i've been thinking lately, and probably because i have taken my meds is partially why, but i am me because of what i've been through. all the shit i've been through, all the things i've done to myself, all the crap i put up with. i'm only stronger, but yet weaker witht those i don't know, or know and really care about but am to fucking scared to try anything. too scared to be who i am. or more like tell them who i am, that scares the fuck out of me. i'm afraid that they will run. afraid i will get hurt. afraid of fucking everything! everything that has to do with love, or caring for another human being in that way. i always screw things up. i always get scared and i fuck up. always always always. fuck. i'm starting to take my paxil again. i didn't for a few days cuz i forgot i think. or something. my moods were all out of whack. i almost cried at the pin of a hat. fuck. i hate that. but i fucking hate that i depend on meds to make me feel like a real person. maybe not real but normal. who can define normal? i can't. ok so the sterotypical normal. happy, white picket fence. 2.5 kids. fuck. i don't want to have kids let alone 2.5. i don't want a house or a husband. well i don't really plan that right now. i could turn out to be a lesbian and my hetero life partner will be someone from the room. hmm enough of analyzing things. i'm watching little mermaid. Current Mood: lethargic Current Music: ursela (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 28th, 2002
10:07 am	fuck i'm feeling very insecure about myself today. i don't know why. i woke up all depressed too. fuck. fuck. fuck. i don't know what it is. i wish it wasn't like this. i don't know many people here and i'm not really close to anyone. the only one i really talk to is adam. but then i'm vulnerable. fuck. i need to not be like this. i need to be happy. i know how to fake it real well. urg, shooooot meeee p-p-p-please?!!??! ok maybe not i'm enjoying college waaaaay too much. for the most part. i keep feeling like i'm contradicting myself. by saying i don't like relationships but yet i really like adam. it's weird. we just sort hooked up. i dunno. fuck. ok enough cussing for now. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 27th, 2002
8:35 pm	i don't know i don't know what my deal is, i got sooo emotional today because i saw a car that reminded me of christinas. yeah it was at walmart and i felt like crying. it was weird. i was with adam and tom. i dunno. fuck. so yeah i'm really falling for adam. theres something about him that i can just fall for. bad jenny. you said you didn't want to get hurt again. fuck. well anyways here's a pic of me and him. i look like a freak sorry..... Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
1:18 am	WTF ok so i posted about adam. and tonight was oh my. i hate wasting space on lj over guys but i just need to get this out. so we watched orange county, and then it ended at like 12....and we spent 2 hours holding eachother and kissing and just talking. i opened up and i never do. now i'm vulnerable. fuck. now i have a greater chance of getting hurt. he said he didn't want to hurt me. and he's not trying anything on me which i think is great. he holds me, and touches me nicely. i hate being touched. but it's different. fuck fuck fuck. i normally act completely different. whats goin on?!?!? fuck. gotta go. class tomorrow. Current Mood: indescribable (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 26th, 2002
12:31 am	i just got back from a boys room..... so me and my room mate go over to our friend thomas and adam who are on our floor. my tv just sucks so we went over there. adam was gone but he came back and we sorta watched fight club. it was good. i really did see most of it. we kinda made out for the end part. but thats it. i didn't let his hands wander which i am proud of myself. anyways it was nice to be held and get compliments. and it felt good cuz it felt like adam did really care. but who knows. we'll see what happens. i like him but my emotions suck. my emotion detector is broken. anyways i looooove college. classes tomorrow...must sleep. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 25th, 2002
1:42 pm	i'm prude and proud!!! JenzyJen [1:12 PM]: hey Buccaho [1:12 PM]: hi JenzyJen [1:13 PM]: whats up? Buccaho [1:13 PM]: nothing u JenzyJen [1:13 PM]: nothing just gonna make some macaroni and cheese Buccaho [1:14 PM]: r u in pueblo JenzyJen [1:14 PM]: yeah in my dorm Buccaho [1:14 PM]: fun fun JenzyJen [1:14 PM]: yeah it's pretty cool JenzyJen [1:15 PM]: no parent's or anything Buccaho [1:15 PM]: good good JenzyJen [1:15 PM]: so what you been up to? Buccaho [1:15 PM]: nothing really JenzyJen [1:16 PM]: thats cool. school? Buccaho [1:16 PM]: monarch is gay JenzyJen [1:16 PM]: haha i knew some kids who went there JenzyJen [1:18 PM]: we could've hung out before i left but..... Buccaho [1:18 PM]: but JenzyJen [1:18 PM]: you couldn't Buccaho [1:18 PM]: i told u to come over JenzyJen [1:18 PM]: when? Buccaho [1:19 PM]: on the computer JenzyJen [1:19 PM]: oh yeah but it was like 2 o clock in the morning Buccaho [1:19 PM]: soooo JenzyJen [1:20 PM]: and i can't drive Buccaho [1:20 PM]: too bad u didnt get a chance to use that tounge ring JenzyJen [1:20 PM]: haha what would i have used for? Buccaho [1:21 PM]: special tricks JenzyJen [1:21 PM]: oh, would you have taught me some? Buccaho [1:21 PM]: no i was hopin u were gonna bust them out JenzyJen [1:21 PM]: i could've done that JenzyJen [1:21 PM]: but i invited you to the movies Buccaho [1:22 PM]: i know Buccaho [1:22 PM]: u didnt want none of this anyway JenzyJen [1:22 PM]: none of what? Buccaho [1:22 PM]: me JenzyJen [1:23 PM]: oooh, but you knew i wouldn't have sex with you, and that i'm prude Buccaho [1:23 PM]: yeah i remember u told me u were Buccaho [1:23 PM]: it was about the sex Buccaho [1:23 PM]: i just wanted to suck on your tounge some JenzyJen [1:23 PM]: oh ok, thats cool JenzyJen [1:23 PM]: well we coulda at the movies Buccaho [1:24 PM]: or in the pool JenzyJen [1:25 PM]: well you didn't make a move Buccaho [1:27 PM]: i was going to but u kept denying me JenzyJen [1:27 PM]: how'd i deny you? Buccaho [1:27 PM]: id move my hands and ud push them off JenzyJen [1:28 PM]: whatever. i only did that when we were watching tv. in the pool you wouldn't even sit near me Buccaho [1:28 PM]: yea right Buccaho [1:28 PM]: i didnt know if u wanted me JenzyJen [1:29 PM]: i don't know what to say except that if you woulda kissed me i woulda kissed back Buccaho [1:30 PM]: well i was about to move in for the kiss but Buccaho [1:30 PM]: i wasn't sure Buccaho [1:30 PM]: i didnt know if u wanted to get down JenzyJen [1:31 PM]: get down? i'm really not like that but i'm just saying if you would've kissed me, cuz i don't make the first move Buccaho [1:32 PM]: well i dont like starting something that will just be a tease JenzyJen [1:32 PM]: well i've been called a tease but i tell guys straight up i'm not like that Buccaho [1:33 PM]: im not calling u a tease Buccaho [1:33 PM]: it would be a tease tho Buccaho [1:33 PM]: cuz i love tounge rings JenzyJen [1:34 PM]: so if were to of made out, you would've want it to of gone further? Buccaho [1:35 PM]: no but if its just kissing ill kiss but i dont like get all rowdy for noting Buccaho [1:35 PM]: getting* JenzyJen [1:37 PM]: well who says it would have been rowdy? Buccaho [1:37 PM]: i like getting rowdy tho Buccaho [1:37 PM]: i get into kissing JenzyJen [1:38 PM]: well so do i, but i really don't like taking it a step further. i wouldn't have wanted to since i'd be leaving Buccaho [1:39 PM]: right well no steps were taken JenzyJen [1:40 PM]: maybe it was for the better then (Comment on this)
10:58 am	last night....... i went to my 1st college party! Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)