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[28 Oct 2001|01:23am] |
this week has been sooo long, and sooo packed! it's been official
*sleep deprivation week*
monday evening i went to the MOMA with Elias, it was so cool :) we had a wild run-around trying to find the right building/room for the video presentation - it was pretty funny in the end :) i bought my friend Kathy a picture from Gone with the Wind :) she loves that movie...
then went to LIttle Italy, to Mulberry street for dinner... he's full of good ideas, that one :) it was so nice... and he said some things that just echoed what was my mind exactly and it was so very cool to hear that :)
i only got about 5 hours sleep... got in from the city kinda late
tuesday was the start of the grief and trauma counselling conference for christian counselors (and anyone interested)... first thing we saw that morning was a truck, that misjudged it's clearance while speeding, and crashed under a bridge at the traintracks! the rof was torn up...!
i went with my mom and her two friends, jan & jeanie. it was amazing, very interesting... so interesting... that after hearing about the speakers for day 2, i got up again ... at 6:00am, on about 4.5 hours sleep now... to go BACk into the city... i was *running* that morning, in order to get there faster (i was late.. there was police activity ahead of us at Metro Park! :( )
i left after lunch, and ate in So. Central Park... :) watched people & wrote a letter... bought a postcard... a picture of the brooklyn bridge... in this awesome fog :) nice photo...
on the way back i took the walk pretty slow, took pictures, bought a MTA Subway T-shirt :) manhatten to the bronx... the A-line... :)
i got overwhelmed though, thinking about the thing sthat were brought up at the conference, and being alone for so long... i stopped to look at the wall in Penn Stn. at the messages from city kids, about 9-11-01, and the missing posters still up.... and no one was looking when i got there... but i stopped and i started reading... and staring... and sighing... and gradually a little crowd gathered, as others stared and read and looked again... at that message, that reminder, that had already seemed to be being overlooked, i couldn't walk by, i don't think ... without looking... i almost wanted to take a picture but ... couldnt.
i really wanted to DO something, be with other peope, TALK, but i was sooo exhausted, i was overtired, i was really beat. as in beaten. completely wiped out...
then... morning comes.
:) ...thursday i was supposed to have 8am class... *yeah right* :p
i went to my photo class, awfully boring as usual :-/ we had a test, i woke up early enough to brush up for the test (hah)...
later that day, Elias got to meet my friend Kathy :) which was interesting... he knows her brother from back at his shcool , Stevens :)
the whole week started bearing downon me though, i realized after the conference that I don't think i want to BE a christian counselor, I think i gravitate toward it , because i may NEED some counselling for a while, just because of the obvious aspects of my life, not having a dad around, having broken relationships with men, and an abusive father, just to process things and really work em out instead of avoiding them and wondering if i ever really worked through them and grew from them...
lots on my mind... lots and lots... still on my mind... but it's different, how you process emotions and feelings and thoughts, when u have had a good nigths rest.
u know... ? everytime I am in an arts environment, I feel like, i should be there :)
to wrap up my week of sleep deprivation... :p last night was the Ani Difranco concert...
i was really severely dissapointed :( Bitch & Animal were atrocious, offensive, ooout there in
never never -i - cant believe it land :( so unreal...
and ani...
i used to really identify more with her songs, it is growing more and more a part of my past though, i am learning... and i see her, as someone reacting to the current events right now, without a spiritual foundation in anything true or real... she's reacting, she's angry, and she's attracting a crowd, that almost doesnt seem to understand what it is e\scaping, and yelling and shouting at - what is it about? smoking pot and ciggarettes, putting somuch energy in all the wrong places...
so much confusion and just, being immersed in this energy i wanted NOTHING to do with - and bringing my lil brother... and Elias into this with me? :( i was mortified at some points, almost outraged at others, there were a total of about 3 songs, where i enjoyed her, and was reminded of why i actually wanted to see the show in the first place...
i left drained and angry, and needing something good and true in my head... needing something i wouldn't be angry afterward... i am getting tired... in a nutshell though... ... i have stopped listening to so much of the music I used to be more into, maybe this is on it's way out as well... i am not sure :( it makes me sad. but last night made me sad even more so, :( so much wasted.
so much time
so much talent
so much energy... wasted
Elias and I got to talk, (yeah, his name is coming up a lot... isn't it :P )
we talked about the show, and a bit about how things were going lately between us, it was good. .. pretty much the same thing as monday, where he said the same things i was thinking...
but it got late and i think i realized, i really want to have time to talk and connect and interact - earlier :P why not plan around making sure we have something to do where we can talk & get into stuff... without just having it be the after everything-else thing to do... crammed in before goodbye somewhere... :p it is at the heart of things anyway :)
...i am so amazed at how my life is unfolding, and how these precious people are coming into my life, :) and how, oh man... realizing how different I am at this point, looking at how I'm growing and how i've been changing... i am going through mini-culture-shocks, like last night...
and looking at how... how different seeing someone again, is...
i know that it's not a perfect world and i cannot be perfectly objective or perfectly anything, but :) things have been unfolding so nicely, i have been praying and really this all began to happen at a point where I had become alot more comfortable with just *not* worrying about boyfriends or dating or marriage stuff... anything in that direction... i'd done some homework on the subject, i'd met a good # of guys (most of the ones i liked were taken *shrugs* ) ... decided to let it be :) i was confident in God and happy with how things were as it was anyway. sure there were times when i really did crave some more affection, yes. but honestly, thinking about a boyfriend or a relationship was not a big deal ... i already figured out that i dont think i am blessed with the gift of singleness :) i am too... much :p
i want a family, i want to have a husband and a family life - i think that would rock :) honestly... to have a great family with someone... to meet someone and get to travel and live together a while before all that, too... life is good, with God :)
and then, of course, is when it begins to really unfold and dawn on me that i have met someone and it is more than purely platonic, and i am... happy about it :) and at peace with it... :)
so here i am... ... gotta get to bed :) ... life is Good,
Love is good
GOD is life & love
and God is good ...
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restless
sleepy
curious
happy