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Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
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5:01 pm - GR
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ARG!!
I will never be able to go to grad school for math! I am just too damn inept! ARRG! I can't even do partial derivatives properly... I don't understand! *whimpers "dammit"* I wanna do math. But I suck. : (
What happened to me being smart and good at this? I guess that was high school. Well, and Jennifer's class, which I did very well in when I had help. Same here. I'm inept without lots of nudging.
Also, I need to start my homework MUCH sooner than the day before it's due.
&%$*!!
current mood:  frustrated
current music: NPR
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3:37 pm
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WHOA.
http://jdw.blog-city.com/read/1037255.htm (more incredible, crazy knitting)
Lots of crazy thoughts in my head. I haven't felt like writing, though, not even the mundane stuff I always write about. (Like going to the gym yesterday and the pool today--yay!) When I am more coherent, perhaps I will write.
Things on my mind include health, kitties, weaving and knitting, child-rearing (oddly enough), and especially polyamoury right now, partially because of reading ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20050208223201im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) polyamory again...
We will see.
current mood:  curious
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11:05 am
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This was pointed out to me via a community I'm on, and... well. Read.
1 If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body to be burned but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. 9 For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part; 10 but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. 13 And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13
current mood:  pleased
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| Monday, February 7th, 2005
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5:52 pm
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Bizarre quote of the day:
badgerbadger501 (5:50:42 PM): YOU HAVE LEOPARD PRINT BREASTS?
badgerbadger501 (5:50:50 PM): No more sleeping on the waffle iron!
Ok. Bath had, weaving worked on, and now for food.
current mood: chipper
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4:21 pm
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Oh.
Mmm.
There was no class with Charles, since he is gone. Instead there was the gym, where I used the treadmill, stretched, and then did various weightlifting machines for the first time in 2 months. I feel good and tired. I want to go swimming, but I felt tired after all that, so I will have to go tomorrow. ^_^
Now, there will be a bath, I think.
And then there will be dinner.
And then there will be homework.
And then there will be CoH with my love.
Whee.
current mood:  accomplished
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1:45 pm
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12:55 pm
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| Friday, February 4th, 2005
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12:59 pm
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From welovegeeks:
Your mama's so fat that, were she positioned in the frictionless environment of outer space, distant enough from any other distinct gravitational forces, and made to spin a ball attached to a string, and if the string were to break, the ball would depart on an arc so parabaloid that it would actually settle into an elliptical orbit around her, granted one with an eccentricity approaching 1.
*grin*
And OH the meetup of gamer geekery and knitting geekery. This is awesome. ^_^:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/punk_knitters/343836.html#cutid1
And because it is amusing, a pattern for a uterus:
http://www.knitty.com/ISSUEwinter04/PATTwomb.html
And an article that include a pattern for a knitting hand grenade:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,3604,1402029,00.html
This is what I get for reading my communities again.
current mood:  hungry
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| Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
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8:25 pm
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4:57 pm
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Today has officially been a bad day, with missing all my classes, thoroughly pissing off Charles, and lots of crying. I haven't left my room except to go to the bathroom all day. I'm dressed, but only because I -was- going to go to class today. I am now really tired and I think I'm crying again, just because I'm tired and have had such a rotten day.
I don't want to cry.
It's just been that kind of a day.
I had plans. Maybe I can muster up enough will to go through with some of them.
Or I might just have to take another nap...
*sigh* Damn it.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Duran Duran
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11:35 am
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10:51 am
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On an unrelated note, I had a very strange evening (perhaps whole day) yesterday, and since I didn't get to sleep until after two, and since my dreams were vivid and very clinging this morning, I just got up at 10:30, grumpy with myself. My dreams were also very strange, and I remember a lot of them, including a notepad (yes, a stack of paper) that wouldn't stop playing music even though I turned it off. I actually fell asleep in my dream. And I managed to work CoH in there somewhere, as I had a dream where I was helping to rescue people and quarantine others since people were getting sick, green, and eventually turning into trolls (the CoH kind, not the Changeling kind). There was some tiny kid who got sick and was turning green and I comforted him but couldn't save him. :( I had lots of other dreams, too, and they were also strange.
In any case, I don't quite feel like my brain is working, and sleep rested me but didn't help my brain process yesterday. It was too busy turning people into trolls and frustrating me with random food. *shakes head* Ah, dear.
current mood:  weird
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10:42 am - Well, I always wanted to be a tomboy...
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... and for the longest time in high school I tred to be "one of the guys." But my breasts wouldn't stop growing and I realized that I would always be short and curvy and couldn't pass for a guy if I wanted, and then I realized that skirts are comfortable... so I think I come off to people who don't know me as more girly than I am.
I can honestly say that if my body hadn't turned out this way, I'd be a very, very different person.
You Are 36% Femme and 64% Butch!
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80 - 100% Femme - You're the girly girl of the century. Or Clay Aiken.
60 - 79% Femme - Girl? Almost certainly. If not, you've got some major man boobs going on.
40 - 59% Femme - Girl or guy? Even your best friends can't figure this one out.
20 - 39% Femme - You are likely male, or the toughest, scariest lesbian around.
0 - 19% Femme - You are 100% male. You make cowboys look like pussies.
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How Butch or Femme Are You?
current mood: weird
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| Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
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5:04 pm
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I am in pain. I desperately need a back massage. *whimper* Ow ow ow... Lots of pain.
It is Imbolc. I want to be celebrating, but I feel like poo. *blargh*
I suppose I have been in the spirit of it, the past couple days, working on clearing out and beginning anew.
For now, I think I need either a nap or a warm shower.
And here is a very good article: http://www.democraticunderground.com/plaidder/05/39.html
Pass it on.
current mood: nauseated
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| Monday, January 31st, 2005
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11:18 pm
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*yawn* exhausted. Time for a list of things to do tomorrow:
Try to go to multivar at 9? (nope)
Meet with Mickey at 10
calc grading!!
Multivar. Done as possible, then turn in.
Go through and reply to LJ comments
(Start to) go through email
Go to gym. Be happy. (gym postponed) Then shower. Be clean.
Weave. Yay!
Creative Journaling at 7:30
Cross stitch. Just because.
Go to Spectrum or Ichthys House at 9 (with cross-stitch?) Too many other things to do...
eat good food.
... get enough sleep to be coherent, because I'm not right now.
current mood:  half asleep
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4:30 pm - This is partially for me, but I need people's help too.
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This is important stuff about me, but it's also long, so I'm cutting it for your sake.
( Read more... )
current mood: hopeful
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| Sunday, January 30th, 2005
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4:47 pm - "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." - Gloria Steinem.
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birth control is "baby pesticides"
Oo, oo, let's send women to jail for having a miscarriage!
http://brutalwomen.blogspot.com/2005/01/today-was-first-day-i-considered_24.html
it was just one shot
through the kitchen window
it was just one or two miles from here
if you fly like a crow
a bullet came to visit a doctor
in his one safe place
a bullet insuring the right to life
whizzed past his kid and his wife
and knocked his glasses
right off of his face
and the blood poured off the pulpit
the blood poured down the picket line
yeah, the hatred was immediate
and the vengance was divine
so they went and stuffed god
down the barrel of a gun
and after him
they stuffed his only son
hello birmingham
it's buffalo
i heard you had some trouble
down there again
and i'm just calling to let to know
that somebody understands
i was once escorted
through the doors of a clinic
by a man in a bullet proof vest
and no bombs went off that day
so i am still here to say
birmingham
i'm wishing you all of my best
--Ani DiFranco, Hello Birmingham
current mood: aggravated
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| Saturday, January 29th, 2005
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12:11 am
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Another absolutely fucking useless day.
God damn it.
I'm fucking useless.
I don't know what it is. I seem to have a different capability to actually be productive than other people. I try and I try and even when I feel like I'm being productive and doing good things (like cleaning Tuesday or spending time with Marya yesterday, which was wonderful), it's never enough and it's no wonder my grades have only been mediocre throughout college. They sucked my first year, they got much better when I was medicated...
I can't fall asleep at night, my mood's all over the place, I can't concentrate to do my work... I'm useless at school and I feel like... I'd be so much more useful and worth more if I was medicated and therefore stable.
It's not like I'm taking many classes or extracurriculars this semester. I do have a high workload for the 14 credits (all upperlevel courses). But I think I'm just inept.
I quit. Maybe I'd be better off stable and productive, medicated and not feeling, than a failure. Because that's what I feel like right now. I'm not useful or productive or impressive in any of the ways that seem to matter to the world.
I have friends, I see beauty in things, I do good things, I love, but it seems like none of those things matter.
perfect little dream the kind that hurts the most
forgot how it feels well almost
no one to blame always the same
open my eyes wake up in flames
it took you to make me realize
it took you to make me realize
it took you to make me realize
it took you to make me see the light
smashed up my sanity
smashed up my integrity
smashed up what i believed in
smashed up what's left of me
smashed up my everything
smashed up all that was true
gonna smash myself to pieces
i don't know what else to do
covered in hope and vaseline
still cannot fix this broken machine
watching the hole it used to be mine
just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline
of the trust i will betray
give it to me i throw it away
after everything i've done i hate myself for what i've become
i tried
i gave up
throw it away
(gave up, by nin)
p.s. no comments. if you want to talk, you can email me.
current mood: shit
current music: NIN
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| Thursday, January 27th, 2005
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12:12 pm
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And to post one more time...
I'm thinking of getting a paid account if for no other reason than being able to have more icons. The three I have now I find very insufficient.
So if anybody feels like getting me a present... *grin*
-kitty
current mood: weird
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11:51 am
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( to do today )
and this time I'm not going to worry about how many I cross out or even bother to cross them out unless I feel like it.
current mood: calm
current music: silence
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