|
|
Sunday, July 20th, 2003
| |
12:07 am - in pitch dark, i go walking in your landscape
|
.
..
...
i keep trying to start writing in here, but ever since i've come back from vacation i don't know how to write. i've lost my ability to tell a story, & describe things. i need to read more. [sorry to all who have not yet received their postcard, postage ran out & i have to go buy more when i am slightly less poor]
hmm. in other news:
1. i have a new pet. cthulhu the green-shelled, dark hermit crab!
2. my new hair style is soon to come.
3. i'm working on a new poem.
that's all i can think of, for now.
oh.. & my ex, ryan, has started calling me recently. i found out he's living in detroit now, & has no job & no car. poor boy. he's going to come up to ohio sometime soon to visit me. i'm excited & anxious to see him. he says he's got a tan, & looks like a "gq yuppie schmuck" ..heh.
i should really go to sleep, but it seems like such a waste of time. i want to be up & doing something fun, or something to better myself in some way. sleep is worth the wait. i don't need it just yet. i'll just prop my eyelids open with toothpicks like they do in cartoons.
right.
current mood: square brain
current music: the basement heater blasting, keyboard clicks
|
|
(17 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Friday, July 4th, 2003
| |
8:06 pm - don't you wish you'd never met her?
|
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<a [...] miserymachine">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]
<div align="right">.x.x.save this bleeding heart of mine.x.x. x x CRUSHED by the way that you cry x x </div> <center><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?="miserymachine">elicia</a> is overcome with compassion & empathy. she wants to help everyone. she wants to <sup>shoulder</sup> the <sub>burden</sub> of the world, just for <b>you</b>. you can sleep at night knowing full-well that she would end <i>.all.your.pain.</i> if she could. [[[_all_your_pain_]]]</center> i can close my eyes <i>all i want</i>, but i can not sit & be blind to <a href="httP://www.livejournal.com/users/frivolousdreams">your</a> suffering. ... i am too passionate, overtly emotional, & <u>guilty</U>-<u>as</u>-<u>charged</u>. .. still .. if you'd like a [<i>goosebumps</i>] post card; <u>email your address to</u>: <b>miserymostmalignant@yahoo.com</b> before sunday. & don't you worry if you're not living in america, i'll <i>still</i> send something out to you. international postage can't be that expensive, right?
current mood:  melancholy
current music: placebo-my sweet prince
|
|
(18 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Thursday, July 3rd, 2003
| |
2:57 pm - cry like a banshee, pretend like you want me
|
would you love me any less if i hurt you any more?
i'm still quite the busy-bee. running around like a chicken with its head cut off. just trying to get all my shit together before i leave for my BIG, RELAXING VACATION! it should prove to be a fun time. peaceful, if nothing else. i'm hoping to get in some beach time without losing my pale exterior. umbrella & spf 45!
if any of you are crazy enough to want a postcard from a silly girl like me, send me your address! you can leave it in a comment if you wish, & i can delete it after you post it if you are afraid of ..stalkers.. or people in general. another option is to simply email your address to miserymostmalignant@yahoo.com, if you feel so inclined.
emily, mr. bryan heden, & emily's boi clint should be stopping by sometime today or tomorrow. i'm looking forward to the visit. i love all my new friends. i told emily if she came over we could be silly little house wife types & bake a cake. i found all the ingredients yesterday. :) [admit it, cake is good!]
i hope they show up before i lose hold of this good mood i'm in.
current mood:  cheerful
current music: killing joke-exorcism
|
|
(29 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Tuesday, July 1st, 2003
| |
11:23 pm - days are long, but the minds are strong
|
i wish i could go back. yes, back in time.
there have been many horrible & wonderful events that you've all missed out on in my absence. i simply was too busy to get it all down in here. it's a shame, 'cause it seems i only get around to writing in this journal when i'm in the middle of some crisis. nevermind it, i'm not as miserable as i must seem to people on the outside.
i went to several fun parties, made new friends, got closer to friends i already have, bought new clothes & edited/modified old ones, went to a concert, invented a team participation party game for times of boredom, etc. but then again i was also trapped between two of my friends while they pseudo-fight, & trapped on an emotional roller coaster ride stuck between two men. there has been a lot of stress/trauma/drama, & it's not all over yet. [see you at the bitter end.]
today i was very busy. i was on today. busy busy busy, work work work, rush rush rush until it's all done. i've been running all over the place. buying hair dye, mailing letters, cleaning house, sorting through my clothes & clearing out my closet, packing & planning for my one week vacation coming up soon, doing many loads of laundry, making clothing alterations, & all the while trying to keep in touch with my three men. [well, two. mike is just a close friend.] still, it's been a rough day & i'm feeling pretty haggard.
i didn't really have time to eat much,
so i'm feeling faint from the days exertion.
( pointless inside jokes )
current mood: dizzy & hungry
current music: the vines-factory
|
|
(14 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Wednesday, May 28th, 2003
| |
3:35 pm - stomping through the city, heavy in her monster boots
|
better today; just better. improved even.
i need something to keep me busy today. i want to go & see if i can exchange my boots, or get a replacement part. (the shoes separate/zip off into different boot lengths, & the top section of the tongue was missing in the right boot) if they won't do anything but give me money, then i'll just keep the boots as is.
i've got a surplus of movies to watch (& re-watch) this week. for one thing, i still need to get everyone together to watch delicatessen. (a french movie about cannibalism from the director of amelie) i also need to make sure to watch perfect blue (if walt disney & hitchcock made an anime) so i can return it to sarahmonster by sunday. i'd like to re-watch the virgin suicides, & requiem for a dream. i need to check up & see if eric has interest in seeing any of these movies before i watch anything. even though he kind of liked kids, he hated gummo...so i doubt eric would want to watch julien donkey boy with me.
i need to pick up some small items while i'm out. i'd really like to stop by the exchange for some new cds. i never have enough music. i need more pants & skirts to go with my black on black cons. hardly anything i have seems to match right...only one pair of pants. actually, there are a lot of things i need to be looking for besides pants & more new music. i should make a list.
for one thing, i need to hang out with jen sometime this week, so we can watch the boondock saints & maybe play with my hair some. (hahaha, i know, it sounds dangerous) i want to gel the bangs & have her help me put the rest in liberty spikes, just for fun. we were going to before when my hair was short. (but not indie-emo short) ;P i swear there will be no more hair trauma/drama.
i'm thinking i'd like to put thin light/medium green strips in my hair over the summer. i think it would look good on me. does anyone have any hairdye brand or technique tips/suggestions? of course, all of this depends on whether or not i can obtain & hold a job with green strips in my hair. employers don't always look to kindly upon differences like that. especially not here in farmer state ohio. (ah-hyuck, ah-hyuck)
current mood:  enthralled
current music: the distillers-i am a revenant
|
|
(29 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Thursday, May 22nd, 2003
| |
6:57 pm - i will try to shake away this disease
|
i am still living with your g h o s t.
looking back, to you...
every now & again i find myself wondering: what ever happened to ryan? [my ex] he moved out to toledo several months ago. i'm not sure if he's still living up there, or not. he told me that he would probably end up living in the streets, & knowing him as well as i do, i don't doubt that he'd do that for a second. i wish he would contact me, though, because i have no way to contact him, & it has been a long time since we've spoken.
i don't desire to be anything more than his friend, or at least an acquaintance, but i sure do miss him. i don't like to think that i may have lost him permanently. we are nothing now, but at one point in time the mixture was just right. sure, we are both completely different people now, but that doesn't mean that we should never speak again.
still, it's not ruining my day.
also missing in attendance is my grandfather. sure, it has been years since his death, but i miss him so. i realize that i haven't moved on entirely. i would like to put the issue to rest. i don't want to let one trauma rule my life, & decide how i am formed as a person. i'd like to think that i can get past it now. i need to go back to his grave, to take some time for me & him, & to put it behind me. i want to visit, but not to mourn. i am hoping i'll gain some sort of closure, just from being there.
i'll probably "talk" to him, or rather, the gravestone & ground & his ashes. i don't know why i want to go there & talk, since it's more than likely i'm just talking to myself or the air, but i think it would be therapeutic. i'm really hoping eric will go with me. it would mean a lot to me if he was there. besides, i need someone to help me look for the grave, as i've only been to it once.
now i've just got to find out where it is located, & get directions.
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: various "summer" cds
|
|
(21 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Tuesday, May 20th, 2003
| |
4:45 pm - needing some other kind of madness?
|
stolen from ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20050218154902im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) gothboijohn4's journal:
LesleyV7: remember the bauhaus shirt in the nkotb video?
LesleyV7: that was some funny shit
GothBoiJohn4: NO I DO NOT!
LesleyV7: one of the members wore a bauhaus shirt in the right stuff video
LesleyV7: and ran around in a graveyard
GothBoiJohn4: I refused to watch any of their "videos" and my sister had their concert on tape and would watch it all the time.. I would run off, but could still hear the torturous screams
LesleyV7: hahahahahhaaha
( nerveslikenylon's additional thoughts )
i just thought i should share that with you all.
nkotb = new kids on the block, for those that didn't realize it.
current mood:  busy
current music: siouxsie & the banshees-monitor
|
|
(18 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Sunday, May 18th, 2003
| |
5:25 pm - it will pass, things will change, but you don't want to hear that
|
i feel like damaged goods today. a fragile box someone shook back & forth vigorously. i know i have no right to complain, considering that i am the problem.
i'm hesitant, & frail. meek. half smiles & nervous laughter.
i don't want to smile for the camera. i don't want to feign interest. i want to cower down in the catacombs that are my basement. have you ever felt so uncomfortable with yourself that you wished you could sever your mind from your body, like when peter pan cut off his shadow? it's too bad. there is nowhere to go but where i'm expected to be. under the bright lights & the watchful eyes, i'm not allowed to have feelings.
yes, i guess i fucked up again.
current mood:  uncomfortable
current music: everclear-nehalem
|
|
(52 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Saturday, May 17th, 2003
| |
12:17 am - i won't do it with you, i'll do it to you
|
this has been a very strange day.
the choir had a small party, & there was much fun. cookies & what have you. good stuff. i took more pictures today. most notable would be the pictures of my friend matt's new hair. he now rocks the hawk. he fanned it out today instead of doing spikes. i took a couple of head shots, a picture of me and him, and a picture of him & drew together. they have great chemistry together! (as friends) it's fun to watch them interact. they are the 2 friends you have that steal all the attention when in a big group. they seem to fill the room with their presence.
i kept trying to find someone to do something fun with, but no plans were working out. to make matters worse, the boi was nearly killed today. his car brakes went out entirely, 100%, on the freeway. also, he didn't really get any sleep the night before, & a keyboard broke at work. all in all, i'd say he's had a rough, hard day. the sad thing is, he probably won't be able to get a new car tomorrow, as he had originally planned. he might not be able to get a new car the day after, either...so i might not get to see him on our nine month anniversary, & at the family birthday party for me & my cousin sarah. that makes me feel very sad.
eh. now for some good news: i got my new cons today. (black on black lowtops) i also bought some "pirate" shorts & new underwear. random pirate crap & new underwear always make me a cheery bitch. too bad there is so much melodrama surrounding me, or else i'd enjoy it all more.
i had to put my cute purse on hold. :\ boo hiss.
also interesting: i had a burst of creativity in my brain today. (well, maybe it was an aneurysm) i wrote a new poem. i like to write, when it flows. sometimes i get stuck, but don't we all? a note to keep in mind while reading: it's not autobiographical, obviously, & not really related to anything current. read if you wish.
( bite the bullet )
current mood: numb
current music: marilyn manson-spade
|
|
(24 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
| |
9:05 pm - put me in the motorcade, put me in the death parade
|
it seems all is not well. recently, my cousin alex has died. he was 21, i believe, & fresh out of the army when he was diagnosed with leukemia. it was horrible news. it came when i was, for the most part, alone. [somehow that makes it a more painful recollection] eric was there to comfort me. at that point we were not yet official. i greatly appreciated his willingness to miss out on sleep, & take a risk, to comfort me in the night.
that was during last summer. poor alex's condition grew progressively worse. never the less, he married his girlfriend india, & lived long enough to see her give birth to their child. it seems like a tragic place to stop reading, an early cut of the thread, but...i'm not sure what else i could say. it makes me sad to hear of his passing. [and i'm sure you can tell, by how stiff & formal my speech sounds in this entry...words tread gently upon a subject such as this] it leaves me with a lingering solemness, confusion because i do not know how to digest this, & it instills a fear of my own health. [much cancer in my family, it doesn't leave me hopeful]
the funeral is going to be friday, at 10:00 am. the part of the services i'm attending is at the church i was dragged to as a child. i don't look forward to going back & seeing all of the gossiping, scolding members. that church had the atmosphere of a small town. everyone was in everyone else's business. on the bright side, for once i will not be scolded for wearing entirely black in church, & i won't have to buy any new clothes for the occasion, although it would be a convenient excuse to indulge.
i feel very offset. i may not have known him as well as i knew my grandfather, so it is not the same feeling of loss, but it is still a feeling of loss, of being left behind once more. sometimes i am fine, & i can even make jokes, other times, i feel as fragile as fine china.
a thin film of despair coats my thoughts & actions. it's just enough to make every word spoken to me feel razor-edged & foreboding, & every word i speak equally coated in cynicism, sometimes masked, sometimes not. i cry when it seeps in, when it really gets to me. day to day events are both monumental, & as small & insignificant as grains of sand on a beach at the same time.
i feel questionable, at best.
current mood: distant, fragile, & brooding
current music: a whirl of slow laments
|
|
(27 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Thursday, May 1st, 2003
| |
6:01 pm - "cut your hair, get a chip on your shoulder"
|
alright. so things are okay [again] now. that's always good news. i have something to smile about, and i've taken something away from the situation. eric seems to think i'm going to be resentful after the shock wears off, but i prefer to think i'll be stronger.
life is a learning experience. :P
moving on...
i have a birthday coming up! [the 13th, how spooky ;P] i'm not sure if i want to do anything on that day, or not. i suppose it's only normal to invite a bunch of people over and have a party to celebrate my mother successfully squeezing me out, but, i have mixed emotions. on one hand: i'd like the company & all the people coming together in agreeance on the fact that i kick ass [for a day]. on the other hand: fucking hell! people? party? gah! let's all pretend it's no big deal.
maybe i'll just stay indoors & away from people.
maybe i'll do something with eric.
maybe i'll clean up the house & throw a party.
i'm undecided. i don't really know how i feel about birthdays. it seems everyone kisses your ass simply because you survived another year. i don't mind a little praise here and there, but everyone making a big deal out of me is still kind of embarrassing because i'm used to being a wallflower/fading into the background in situations. i'm used to being "elicia unnoticeable." i have self-esteem/self-image problems. i'm working on it, though. one day at a time, little by little. i'm trying to convince myself that i'm a good person & i like me. it's coming along.
and now for something completely unrelated!
( the crow 4: wicked prayer )
current mood: at ease / contemplative
current music: sneaker pimps-tesko suicide
|
|
(18 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Thursday, April 24th, 2003
| |
5:29 pm - are you here to see the fight?
|
people outside were trying to confuse the stupid kids who didn't know who was gonna open at the show. one of the bands that opened was called 'the fight', so guys were ripping chunks of their shirts off, wrapping them around their bloody knuckles, and then asking kids "if [they] came to see the fight!" everyone thought they meant a real fight...like something underground/fight club style. haha.
( more about the concert )
sorry kids, but the entire entry is rather long.
you can't have a big event without a big entry.
eric just came over. he read my account of the concert, & stared off blankly into space instead of answering me when i asked him if he wanted to do something today or not. out of nowhere, he asks me if there are lights down here. when i turned one on he then proceeded to stare me down and scrutinize my hair, make me to turn around for him so he could see all sides of my hair, & then tell me he's just going to go home. how rude. that's just mean, to treat me like that when i feel like death warmed over.
oh well. like i said: i plan on sleeping.
hopefully i'll get those pictures of the new hair up soon. i even took some pictures in my black [wire]frame [prescription] glasses, since i'm so 'emo' now. hahaha. right.
current mood:  sick
current music: the fight + the ringing in my ears
|
|
(25 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
| |
6:45 am - i lick the salt from my wounds and run into the night
|
yesterday was the day of my hair cut.
that's probably the most major thing that happened.
other than that, it was a semi-slow day. i did house work in the morning, ate brunch, talked to court about the upcoming event, played ball with one of the puppies, etc. etc.
then i started getting ready to see jen.
that's where the day started picking up.
i got a message from court telling me that all was well as far as her birthday celebration was concerned, so i was pleased about that. she seemed really excited, and i was happy for her. then i continued to get ready for jen. first we went to taco bell, so i could eat a meal & we could discuss what to do with my hair.
our conversation went something like this:
( what i remember )
after we finished discussing my hair, we left for her house.
( the cutting )
then it was off to the wonderful world of walmart. we were on a mission for rave 4x hair spray, so i can back comb my hair and play with it. we ran into her neighbors at the store. they didn't have much to say. we looked for cute underwear, but saw none. they were selling bouquets of 5 or 6 roses, and we both looked at them wistfully. i entertained the idea of buying them for myself, because i love roses, but i decided that was a foolish thing to do.
we went back to my place and watched amelie, because jen had never seen the movie. we were interrupted a couple of times by people coming in and out of the house, and i took the opportunity to show off the new hair. everyone liked it. example: "it looks even more cute than i thought it would!"-my sister. eventually, jen drove home.
i eventually caved in & showed eric the 2 shoddy cam shots. he doesn't like my hair. he told me i look similar to jen (which is good in my opinion), but also said i looked like the typical dirty emo kid. that's pretty insulting, if you ask me. i'm not mad, just disappointed he didn't like the hair. i'm not going to cut it for him, though, because i love it.
i'm not letting this get me down,
but i only got one hour of sleep last night.
current mood:  grumpy
current music: the distillers-i understand
|
|
(14 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Sunday, April 20th, 2003
| |
12:20 pm - you have to get up, get out, and have some fun
|
|
| Saturday, April 19th, 2003
| |
8:16 pm - wanna play the broken glass against the head game?
|
i realize that today had no real point. not that that's a bad thing.
i tried to call some people during the daylight hours, but to no avail. for this reason, i didn't do anything of great importance today. i'm very cold, because i've been sitting in the basement on line for the vast majority of the day. the basement is freezing in it's own right, but once someone gets the bright idea to turn on the air conditioning it's just brutal.
i've been listening to smells like children on repeat, because it's a very quirky old c.d. and it has fond memories attached to it. lot's of fun stuff to quote out of it, too. good times, my friends. :D
i dressed up today, sort of, after looking around some at ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20050218154902im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) axis_of_uglies. haha. i felt so ugly afterwords; i had to do something about it! i look sort of like an asian school girl, though not on purpose, and i don't really like that look. it's mostly in the cut of the shirt, and the way the thigh-highs look with my skirt. i don't have an asian face.
oh. almost forgot: i'm cutting my hair sometime next week. well, i'm not, my friend jen is, because stylists tend to fuck up alternative hair cuts. perhaps i'll be able to get a picture up here when it's been done. you never know. i might not post one at all if it turns out really ugly.
nothing important to read here.
ignore this entry if you want.
i'm off to go read more sandman.
current mood:  cold
current music: marilyn manson-kiddie grinder (remix)
|
|
(18 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Friday, April 18th, 2003
| |
10:43 am - if you pick up on it quick, you can say you were there
|
ouch. there is a small bump on the back of my head. why? i have no idea. maybe it has something to do with last night. (i think i'll just leave that statement hanging mysteriously in the air and explain nothing)
i've had a series of good days, and fond memories were made.
for one thing, went up with eric to visit our insanely polite friend tom. it was a nice time. i think everyone enjoyed themselves. when we were there we made a stop at record exchange and i picked up some really good deals. new music always makes me so excited and happy.
after driving around discussing the concept of buying 100 hot dogs for $99 from speedway, looking for something to do, (and apparently walking around the hospital isn't an option) we headed back to tom's place for dinner and more amusement. the food was delicious, but i can't remember what it was called. i wish i knew how to make it, because it's one thing i know eric will eat. i'm surprised he didn't mention being able to taste the pea pods he so cleverly ate around.
oh yes, i almost forgot. dinner was interrupted by the police, who dropped in to ask if the neighbors across the hall were home, because no one was answering the door and they were going to tow away their car. it was an entertaining moment which was followed by a story from tom's father. apparently, someone had left their car parked in the same place too long, and since his job allows him to get cars towed, he called in to have it towed. everyone became upset, and 3 or 4 people tried to claim they all owned the car in some way, so he could not have it towed. it was a strange story.
hmmm. this morning i woke up earlier than i usually would so i could check out a job opportunity. i'm so desperate for work. the person i spoke to said i could drop by at any time, and someone would be there to speak to me or hand me an application. well, i showed up around 9:00, and a construction worker (the building is still being built) was kind enough to tell me no one would be on the site until 10:00 at least, so i have to go back later in the day.
i don't really want this job, but i do need a job.
current mood:  awake
current music: the cure-jumping someone else's train
|
|
(14 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Thursday, April 10th, 2003
| |
8:49 pm - i think i’m dumb, or maybe just happy
|
whoa. i think i’ve had too much, i think i’ve had enough. mother, my sister, and i all went out to eat together, since we’re usually not all together in the same place at the same time. it was a grand event. sure, all we did was go out for dinner, but the company was nice, conversation was good, and the food was satisfying. i glutted on pizza (& two of the free cinna sticks) until i reached vomiting point. of course, vomit level for me happens to be a mere two pieces. however, i didn’t vomit…i just sat around feeling very extremely unwell until my stomach reached a calm point. hopefully someday soon i’ll stop reminiscing about the man in se7en whose stomach exploded after every filling meal i eat.
i’m trying to put together a playlist of songs that make me happy. some of the c.d. will be very geekXcore, because some things will be listed there purely for nostalgic reasons or comic relief. (yes, this includes ‘the scatman’ by scatman john) i realized i had need for this sort of mix c.d. when i was going through my c.d.s trying to find one c.d. that i could recognize as a ‘happy’ c.d., and i couldn’t think of a single one that had more than a few pleasant songs. the problem is that almost all of my c.d.s are gloomy in some way, or have negative memories attached to them, which tend to resurface when i play the c.d.
hah. now that i have finished digesting i feel hyper enough to run around the back yard in circles. i only wish the jackson park was closer. it has a lovely walking trail, and who says i’m too old to play on the playground with the kiddies? :P
massively hyper, i’m off to scream m.s.i. lyrics as i do the dishes.
current mood:  hyper
current music: mindless self indulgence-two hookers & an eight ball
|
|
(19 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| |
3:23 pm - a few thoughts concerning on line social interaction
|
there's something strange about talking to people on line. they seem almost unreal, unless it's someone you know personally, or have spoken to for a long time. simply seeing words on a screen isn't always enough to convince me you have thoughts, feelings, opinions, lives of your own, etc. it is nearly impossible to imagine the separate lives of so many strangers all at once. you can't know everyone's life story, so they can become faceless to you.
sometimes it is easier to talk to people you wouldn't normally talk to, about things you wouldn't normally talk about. there's a certain freedom in not having to look anyone in the eye when you speak to them. having no face to attach the words to can make interacting socially easier. although it may be easier to make the acquaintance of people on line, and that is a plus, it's also easier to shut them out (or vice versa) just as fast as you acquired them, whether it be intentionally or not.
this isn't to say that i don't value my on line friends.
don't misunderstand me. i enjoy you all immensely. :)
you bring me variety and entertainment, as well as knowlege.
current mood:  relaxed
current music: alien sex fiend-magic
|
|
(27 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
| |
6:48 pm - smiling faces always turn away...
|
...you're the kind that likes to play.
i swear. one day i will be stunning, and you will be ashamed that you shunned me. one day i will be a force to be reckoned with, or not at all. one day you'll think back on the past and make the connection. one day you'll remember. one day...but certainly not this one.
lately, i've been feeling extremely wary and leery, but i can't pinpoint any one specific reason why. i float through my days with a cloud of nervous apprehension following overhead. maybe i'm just anticipating something that's still to come? perhaps i have a reason to be worried, and i just don't know what it is yet.
i watched a great movie today: secretary. in a nut shell: "a mentally disturbed young woman from a middle-class family takes a typing course and lands a job with an eccentric lawyer in a shabby office where she learns the joys of sadomasochism and finds true love." i'm wistfuly jealous, though. not only does she find someone to share her 'perversities' with, but they just happen to be extremely well-off, too.
current mood: stoic
current music: luscious jackson-mood swing
|
|
(20 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
| Wednesday, March 26th, 2003
| |
10:09 pm - everything is gonna be fine (one day, too late)
|
too bad things aren't okay. at all.
well, at least i have my health. that's what they always say: "at least you have your health." i ask you: who cares about being healthy when you have to live in depressing conditions? i'm not really that healthy, either. i'm doing extreme dieting right now. i severely limit my food intake, and yesterday i vomited 2 out of my 3 "meals" anyway. i managed to keep food down today; i didn't really have an opportunity to purge.
i went to the mall today and visited eric at work. it was nerve-wracking. going out always makes me incredibly self-conscious. i feel even more out of place when i try to talk to eric at work. since he is working and can not stand still to talk, i always end up following him around the store like a lost puppy. it makes me feel very clingy and unimportant, but that's no fault of his.
eric gave me bad news today: he is going to move closer to chapel hill mall (for his new position) sooner than planned. i can't fully digest this bad news yet, because i don't know exactly what it will boil down to. i don't know how this will effect both of us. i'm afraid i will become an inconvenience. i'm afraid of what all the separation will do to us. i'm just plain afraid, and gloomy at that. :\
well, i know this is sort of random, but i wrote something awhile back that i wanted to post up here. my disclaimer: i don't claim to have any ability or disability when it comes to writing poetry. i just write. if it's bad, cliche, or something worse...then so be it. it's my way of purging. still, responses are welcome.
( flawed character )
current mood:  distressed
current music: love and rockets-sad and beautiful world
|
|
(27 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
|
|
|
|
|
good