Transformer Girl's Journal

Subject:	Dreams that haunt me
Time:	12:41 pm.
Mood:	contemplative.
Music:	"Forever" by Necessary Response.

I've been having bad dreams lately, not nightmares but bad dreams. They're all different except for the theme, which is of my being abandoned. I wake up abruptly from these dreams ready to start crying and once awake I have a fear of going back to sleep because I know I'll just have another one.

I know where my fear of abandonment comes from and I'm working on getting it under control but it's a very hard thing as it's been with me all of my life. My father died when I was only five and I didn't know about it till I was much older. So I lived a good number of years thinking that my father had abandoned me. My step-father, well I would have been happy had he left, so no fear there. My first love left me on Valentines day after I had just went though something a 17 year old should never have to go though. And finally my mother moved one day without telling me. No letter, no call, no nothing. I stopped by her place to visit only to find out that she no longer lived there.

My dreams have not included any of these people from my past but the central fear is there in the root of all of them. I know why I'm having these dreams presently and I know that they are part of the irrational side of my mind but I can't seem to do anything to stop them. Because of this I haven't been getting enough sleep and it's left me feeling warn out all the time.

Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	This and that
Time:	8:09 am.
Mood:	cold.

It's funny when you can see the storm on the horizon and know that you can do nothing to stop it's coming.

My last weekend free for the next fifteen weeks has past, and what prey tell did I do with said weekend? Not a whole lot other than laying around the apartment with Chris watching movies and the tele. It was a much needed weekend, a weekend where I didn't think of anything other than what to eat for lunch and what movie to watch.

I did somehow manage to sneak in the doing of and finishing of my taxes. Really it only took a whole ten mins as I didn't make that much last year. Now if I can get my FAFSA filed this next weekend I'll be all set for UCLA, barring that I get in. I almost forgot that I need to go to the financial aide office this afternoon as my check was only hafe of what I'm supposed to be getting for the Spring semester. It will barely cover my book costs. I swear the people that work in the financial aide office will one day work for the DMV.

In other news, I got a doll order recently and will be finishing her this week. She's a rag dollie version of Christine Daae from Phantom of the Opera. She'll be wearing a white silk dress covered in white lace and she'll be holding the Phantom's mask. I'm going to be madly searching for a little mask this week though as the Michaels by my house was sold out. *damn you Michaels* One of these days I'm going to send Kenn the pics of the last four dollies I made so that he can put them up on my site for me.

Other than the parts of my life being turned upside down everything else is as it always has been. I'm here, my head meats hurt from thinking too much and I never seem to have enough time to get everything done. Such is my life.

Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	School update
Time:	12:37 pm.
Mood:	accomplished.

Thank you all for crossing your fingers for me so that I would get a good grade on my math test. I did indeed get a good grade. I got two more B's, one on my test last week and one on my test today. If I can get a "B" on my test Friday then I might just be able to get an "A" in the class.

Other than school my life has been very emotional and will continue to remain that way for some time. I would share what I'm going through with you all but I just don't think I could deal with people's opinions at the moment. I love my friends but I know that most of you have very strong opinions and like to share them with the rest of us. I'm feeling too much right now to be able to put that on top of it. Besides that fact, I just think that I need to keep this bit of myself to myself until it all works out. I hope you all can understand. *pixie hugs*

Comments: Read 32 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	The question is...
Time:	7:31 am.
Mood:	nervous.

What's going on this weekend? Apparently this is the question of the day, as I've been asked this by several people and it's only 7:20am.

I don't have too many plans for this weekend other than the usual, which consists of sleeping, doing homework, cleaning, shopping and such. But! I am going to Bar Sinister with Chris on Saturday to celebrate my friends birthday. I'm not a huge fan of Sinister but it's for a friend so I'm going. I've decided that I want to be silly, instead of over-serious like most of the other people that will be there. I'm trying to convince Chris that he wants to wear kitty ears to the club like we use to. He use to DJ while wearing the black ones I have, he gave them to me at 01001, and I bought him his blue leopard print ones so that we could wear them together. I miss being silly at clubs and I think if I go in this kind of a mood I'll have a much better time. So who thinks that Chris should wear his kitty ears with me? Also, who else is planning on going to Sinister this week? Come on you know you want to be silly with us. I'll bribe you by promising glow bracelets. *grin*

On a completely different note, I have a test in Math today so cross your fingers for me that I get another good grade. I'm not asking for an A, just a passing grade.

"The eye it cannot chuse but see,
We cannot bid the ear be still;
Our bodies feel, where'er they be,
Against, or with our will." By William Wordsworth

Comments: Read 32 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	You've Become an Infectious Disease
Time:	1:36 pm.
Mood:	lonely.

Day after day you force yourself
further into my surroundings
You grasp a hold of all I hold dear
suffocating all of my longings

Your mindless make-up
has shattered all that I am
You thoughtlessly destruct
all that we could have been

Screaming through my cells
poisoning every vein
Slowly you decay my heart
and eventually my brain

*for those of you wondering, this entry is not about a person, it's about an emotion. I just felt that I should explain this a bit so that you don't read something into it that's not there.

Comments: Read 13 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	Senior Year meme
Time:	7:37 am.
Mood:	blah.

What year was it? 1994
What were your three favorite bands or musical artists? Human Drama, Siouxsie and Death In June
What was your favorite outfit? Patient Leather buckle boots with ripped up stockings, a black slip and a black velvet coat.
What was up with your hair? I think my hair was purple at the time.
Who were your best friends? Paul and Julie
Where did you work? I didn't have a job till I was out of high school.
Did you take the bus? Until I got my car, which was toward the end of my senior year.
Who did you have a crush on? Phil, my ex boyfriend and one other person that I will not name, but some of you know who I'm talking about. :p
Did you fight with your parents? My mother, yes.
Did you smoke cigarettes? NO!
Did you lug all of your books around in your backpack because you were too nervous to find your locker? We didn't have lockers and we didn't have to carry books because I went to a continuation high school.
Did you have a 'clique'? Not really. I spent a good portion of my time by myself.
Did you have "The Max" like Zach Kelly and Slater? What kind of a question is this? No.
Admit it, were you popular? Nope.
Who did you want to be just like? I never wanted to be just like someone, it was more of a mixture of different people.
What did you want to be when you grew up? A ballet dancer or a contortionist with the Cirque Du Soleil.
Where did you think you'd be at the age you are now? Traveling with a dance company somewhere.

Comments: Read 19 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	My Winter session thus far
Time:	4:11 pm.
Mood:	pleased.

"Insecurity. You only see what you want to see. Insecurity.
Coming apart at the seams, infected like a disease.
Insecurity. There's no self esteem, only broken dreams.
Insecurity. Some things aren't meant to be." -Insecurity by Provision

For the past three weeks I have been uber busy with school and work. It's left me with little time to do anything else. My first test in Math 115 did not go so well, in fact it's the first test I've failed since going back to school. Upon looking at the bright red F on the top of my paper I felt all the desire to push myself fall to the floor in a puddle of lost hope. Only after which did I realize that I needed to push myself even harder, which meant studying for anywhere from 4-5 hours a day on top of going to school and work. This past Thursday was my second test and I was so nervous that I could feel the equations and expressions taunting me from the page. That nervousness took over and I could do nothing but struggle to finish all of the problems I had been given. By the end of the test I knew there were four questions out of seventeen that I had guessed on. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was going to fail yet another test. I considered walking to the admissions office and dropping the class, but I didn't.

Friday morning appeared quicker than I could imagine. At 8:20am I was going to get the results of my test back and at that point I knew I was going to have to make a decision; drop the class or stay up till the wee hours of the night to get a passing grade. If I dropped the class I would never be able to complete the transfer requirements needed to get into UCLA. I sat in my seat and waited for the teacher to pass back my test. I eagerly watched her walk around the room handing papers to various students and I watched their faces as they looked at the crimson mark on their page. You could tell, just by look on the faces of the students, if they received a passing grade or not. You could see the light in their eyes disappear as they gazed at the letter telling them that they received another failing grade. I feared that I would be among them.

Finally the teacher handed me my paper, upside down. My first thought was, "don't look at it, don't look at your grade." I turned the page over to see a glowing red B on the top of my test. I was one of the few who managed to pass. I was one of the few who were left sitting there with a smile on their face. No sadness filling up my eyes, no need to fear that I wasn't going to make it. No need to allow my fear to overtake me, at least for one more week, until I take next weeks test.

My new years resolution has been to work on my fears. I've recently been working on one of them and it's been the hardest one of all. With hope filling the place of that fear, I look to the future. That unpredictable future is what holds to keys to where I belong.

Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	Memories of friends thoughts
Time:	1:15 pm.
Mood:	numb.

"All we love is who we are. All we were is who we've loved. Just to love we pay a cost but what we loved is never lost." -Gone but not Forgotten by Marc Almond.

While deleting some old emails I came across one from a friend that I had forgotten about. She has been a part of my life for a long time, even though we only see each other about twice a year. She wrote this poem for me a while ago and rereading it made me smile for just a moment, giving me a glimmer of who I was in a sea of who I am becoming. A friend once asked how do you know what cards to keep from birthdays, holidays and such? To which I replied, you keep the ones that mean something to you. If I had not kept this email I would never have remembered that she wrote this for me. If I did not keep cards that meant something to me I might lose those precious fragments as well. Nostalgia from our past waiting to be rediscovered.

Today as I sit here
alone and crazied...
The thought of your beauty
crossed through my mind
Oh how I long
for your words
Oh How I miss
your world
You are a dream...
A lovely dream!!

Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	A quote by Maya Angelou
Time:	7:31 am.
Mood:	awake.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Comments: Read 10 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	Records, records and more records
Time:	12:33 pm.
Mood:	happy.

All of the records that did not sell via LJ are being placed on ebay. I have put a good portion up already and will continue to put the rest up, but it's taking a good amount of my time. I'm hoping to have them all sold ASAP as money has been tight due to being off work without pay for two weeks. I start back to work next week but wont see a pay check for another two weeks. This is one of the reasons I'm selling my vinyl, that and I don't listen to them, at least not on vinyl anyway.

Here is the link to the ebay listings: http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQgotopageZ1QQsassZmisspixieQQsorecordsperpageZ25QQsosortpropertyZ1.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Public service announcement
Time:	9:01 am.
Mood:	blah.

What would be the least x-mas thing to do on x-mas? That's right go see a horror movie. Chris, Chad and I all piled into the car and headed to the theater to see Darkness on x-mas, thinking it would be a pretty decent movie. HA! Boy was I wrong. I kept thinking that something was going to happen soon, as the movie kept building up, only nothing ever happened. By the end of the movie, when the lights came on, the entire theater said "that's it?" or something to that effect. I felt cheated by another horror movie. Isn't there any good horror movies being made anymore?

I almost forgot to mention this...in case you didn't already guess, do not go see this movie!!!! Save your $10 or see something else, even Fat Albert would have been better than this movie.

Comments: Read 13 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	Records for sell
Time:	11:36 am.
Mood:	lethargic.

(sorry for the cross-posting)

I have decided to sell my collection of records, as I don't listen to them any longer. All of my vinyl is in great condition, if you have any questions about a specific record please feel free to ask. I'm posting the records here first before I list them on ebay, so if you would like any of the records please make me a fair offer, all offers will be considered. Any records that I don't get offers on will be listed on ebay by Monday, December 27th.

( Read more... )

Comments: Read 41 or Add Your Own.