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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
PixxieLiz's LiveJournal:
| Sunday, August 25th, 2002 | |
| 10:16 pm | |
| Thursday, May 30th, 2002 | |
| 11:39 am | Yesterday, after I updated, I took the rest of the day off and went to paint Saul a birthday peice. It looks so fire. I burned everyone on the wall, including him. (Serz might have something on me, but other than him I am currently King of Baton Rouge.) Werd up. While I was painting, Bill and Sharon walked by coming from the CircleK. Bill is still in her sticky grasp, but I realized while I was out there kicking ass (even before they showed up) that I have nothing to worry about in the competition department. First of all, Saul loves me. Second of all, Saul and Sharon have almost nothing in common and even if homegirl did plan to diss my best friend for my true love, it wouldn't matter because Saul isn't interested in her. I still think its pretty harsh what she's doing to Bill but what can I do? I think I better let the guy friends handle up on this one. So I killed many birds with one stone. I got my mind right, re-staked my claim on my nigga, and made Saul intensely happy because no one had ever painted his portrait on a wall before (except him). Last night I drove out to NO to kick it with my baby. We had a wonderful time. We chilled with Drew and blew a gar, Saul inked a canvas that he's going to color in later this week. It's dope. There's a twistytwervey woman with a big ole booty sitting on a spray can, a sword, a self portrait that looks like an older version of Saul plus a little of Alen and a little of me. Also chains, dragons, bonsai trees, the city of New Orleans, a Jedi peice, etc. Nice. Then we went home and made love. It just gets better and better every time. He said to me afterwards "A minute ago I felt like I ate some ecstasy." I said, "but you've never eaten ecstasy before, how do you know what it's like?" He replied, " |
| Wednesday, May 29th, 2002 | |
| 10:20 am | Saul's birthday was yesterday. Today he is coming up to BR (like he does about every Wednesday) for Tang Soo Do and to chill. The Bayou burned down on Sunday evening. Fucked up shit. Also fucked up is that I found out last night, Sharon is just using Bill for smoke and she's trying to sleep with Saul. MY Saul. That bitch. I don't think she really understands what she's doing. She probably just thinks he's hot and wants to fuck, which makes a lot of sense since he IS the finest guy in the world, but she is straight using Bill in the process and is going to break his heart. Second of all, Saul won't sleep with her scandalous ass anyway. This info upset me to the point of nausea when I found out, but now that I've slept on it it isn't bothering me as much b/c I realize that Saul is going to do what he does... I doubt he will ever sleep with Sharon, but even if he does I know she will never have what I have with him. This just gives me more incentive to monopolize his time while he's here. We are going out tonight with Ryan and ppl, and he's going to come over and check out my new crib. I'm going to throw up a Happy Birthday peice for him later today... should be dope. I want to tell Bill about this, but refuse to be involved in the drama. Poor bine! Well this sort of sucks because its all I can think about, but it would suck worse if I didn't know becuase then I wouldn't take precautions to prevent it. I wish I wasn't on my period!!! It makes me too emotional. I wonder what Sharon's fucking deal is... first she cuts her hair like mine, then she starts fucking with my ex's head, now she's trying to fuck my boyfriend? UGH! And to think I thought she was cool! I hate scandalous bitches! I need: -khaki gloss -almond gloss -acetone -glossy white Shit that's like $10, and I only have $6. I thought I was getting paid today, but no, tomorrow. I need to meditate. I have a dermatologist appt. at 1pm to check out this cystic ingrown hair on my leg. Yuck. |
| Wednesday, April 17th, 2002 | |
| 2:35 pm | A True Horror Story (Which I did NOT use as my admissions essay for college) My surgery in February 2001 rendered me a puddle of human flesh; lying in a hospital bed watching grotesque faces lurch out of the ceiling at me, their gaping maws twisted in grimaces of pain. The nurses’ aides would check in every hour to either steal more blood from my shriveled arm to make sure I was properly absorbing the intravenous food and wasn’t lapsing into a hypoglycemic coma, or to pry into the personal details of my bathroom habits. My family so distraught they couldn’t take care of me, I was left, alone, to stare at the six-inch vertical scar, decorated with fifteen steely staples, that curved to just the left of my navel, as if the doctors had decided not to cut directly through my navel only as an afterthought once they had begun slicing. My distended abdomen further accentuated the gaunt, skeletal frame of one who is gravely ill. The mysterious, bad smells, pitiful wheezes from nearby rooms, and the ominous feelings of disease and looming death creeping down the stagnant corridors of the hospital merely added to the situation and prevented me from sleeping. I didn’t notice when my intestines ruptured. I had been in so much pain for so long I had taught myself how to transcend pain by encapsulating it within my mind. My pain barrier was so automatic I never thought about whether or not I was even experiencing any discomfort. Apparently, a more typical response to a serious internal injury like an intestinal puncture would be to drop to one’s knees in agony before being swiftly deposited into the endorphin-laced candy land of hypovolemic shock. The doctors speculated, after briefly quizzing me, that the micro-perforation had probably been present for over a month, and could have been caused by my having eating popcorn. My mind state of euphoric bliss and ignorance of my body having shut itself down was determined to be one of a myriad of the strange and disturbing side effects that goes along with taking corticosteroids. When I awoke from my surgery, I was angry and confused. Being a believer in karma, I could not fathom what I had done wrong to deserve such horror. One day I had been a normal college student, and then suddenly I was having to muster every ounce of my strength just to make it out of bed and to the bathroom. I dropped nearly thirty pounds in less than two months, desperately consuming around 4000 calories a day, but to no avail. Doctors told me over and over that I should eat more, that I was simply growing, that I had a stomach flu, food poisoning, or that there was actually nothing wrong with me at all! Finally in December of 2000, after seeing more than a dozen doctors, undergoing hours of unpleasant and invasive tests involving scopes on flexible tubes, drinking pitchers full of barium, being x-rayed for longer than the FDA could possibly endorse, and being pumped full of a metallic-tasting radioactive dye and sent through a magnetic resonance imaging tube, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. About two million people worldwide have Crohn’s Disease. Since such a relatively small percentage of the world’s population suffers from the disease, which is commonly thought to be either an autoimmune disorder or a reaction to paratuberculosis bacterium, drug companies do almost no research to either determine a definite cause or find a cure. Instead, existing drugs are administered to help alleviate the symptoms associated with the disease’s active stage, which can include intestinal bleeding and stricture, ulcers, inflammation of the joints and digestive system, debilitating fatigue and dehydration, nausea, food sensitivities, and severe diarrhea. At the time of my diagnosis, I was placed on a 45-pill-a-day regimen that included the aforementioned corticosteroids, which serve as an anti-inflammatory; Mesalamine, a digestive-system-specific anti-inflammatory; Immuran, an immunosuppressant; hycosamine, an intestinal anti-cramping agent; Cipro, an antibiotic; and hydrocodone, a narcotic painkiller. Infusion treatment with tumor anti-necrosis factor was discussed, but the doctors wanted to see what kind of response I had to the pills first. Unfortunately, I had already damaged my body so badly, having conditioned myself to block my pain response and continuing to eat and drink whatever I pleased- hot wings, amaretto sours, hamburgers, spaghetti, popcorn- even if it hurt me, that it was just too late by the time I started the treatment for it to do much good. Because of the abscess, I required invasive surgery and twenty-five percent of my intestines were removed barely a month after my Crohn’s diagnosis. Recovery from the surgery seemed like it took a long time, but in reality, was short by any standard. I was seething at being trapped in a place I didn’t want to be, constantly being pumped full of drugs that made me feel horrible. I felt like screaming and pulling my hair out, but instead I got up and walked. I couldn’t stand up straight, my abdominal muscles rendered useless by being cut through, but I pushed myself to roll out of the bed and gingerly shuffled the longest 200 feet of my life down the hallway of the post-surgical ward, wheeling my insanely heavy IV pole alongside me, to the window overlooking the city. It was a beautiful overcast day in Baton Rouge. From the sixth floor, I could see the people walking to work outside in the drizzling rain. The trees happily accepted the wetness and danced, softly stirred by an invisible force of nature. A bit of blue tentatively began peering at me through pencil-shaded clouds. I could hear birds and five o clock traffic, punctuated by barking dogs and motorcycles, all set to the low bass frequencies of Interstate 10. I sat down and cried. Just three days after the surgery I ordered the head nurse to discontinue my morphine drip and refused to take any more pain medication. The night that followed was the worst of my life, but the grisly withdrawal seemed a small price to pay for my freedom. - my recovery - what I did this year - encapsulating pain vs. stepping out of it or pushing it away - my usual symptoms - my wellness regimen - why I stay well - why I want to go to college - my plans - circular conclusion |
| Thursday, April 11th, 2002 | |
| 8:49 pm | February 5, 1988, Baton Rouge, Louisiana The damp, mild south Louisiana February had allowed me to wear a pink sun dress, a pearly-buttoned cardigan, and a slick, yellow raincoat to school that day in 1988. The thick, musty air coming through the pre-programmed public school heating system had the whole first grade antsy. I can remember peeling back the wrapper on my blue crayon to expose a little more of that pungent wax, as our teacher, Mrs. Heroman, fussed at some of my classmates for doing one of the countless, silly, childlike things that first graders naturally tend to do. I scrubbed the little color stick across the top of my sheet of white paper, furiously trying to create a bit of sky- something I hadn?t seen in months. The drab, gray clouds that had cruelly replaced it rolled by, day after day, sometimes sloshing a few buckets full of dirty water down onto the city of Baton Rouge. By 10 AM, lunch time seemed an eternity away and the time to go home was impossibly distant to my six-year-old mind. The ominous feeling that the school day would continue this way, without recess due to the mud, and without fun due to our sour old grouch of a teacher, was the entire class?s depressing reality. Morning sprawled into infinity. Then, without warning, a strange, magical thing happened. Matt Standifer, the ?bad? kid who had to sit in the corner, facing away from the rest of the class, saw something that none of us had ever seen before. His unique vantage point, sitting directly in front of the only window in the room, allowed him the best view in the school that day. At first he didn?t know what to make of what he saw and he leaned over his desk to get a better view, pressing his nose against the small, cloudy, fiberglass window pane. Mrs. Heroman, sensing trouble in the making, began to make her way toward the back of the room. There was a moment of clarity in our hero?s mind. His chair clattered to the floor. Heads turned. Feet scrambled for the door, heels nipped by the venomous voice of old Mrs. Heroman in an all-too familiar reprimand, ?MATT! GET BACK IN YOUR SEAT, YOUNG MAN!... MATT!... MAAAAAATTTT!...? Only one whispered word escaped his lips as he stumbled, breathless with awe, out of our classroom. ?Snow!? Crayons rolled off desks. Workbooks splashed onto the linoleum tile. The school?s midnight blue double doors were flung open wide. Mrs. Heroman?s threats of dark principal?s offices, miserable hours of detention during recess, and cruel beatings with the paddle mounted behind the head disciplinarian?s desk melted inaudibly into the cacophonous roar of children?s joy that erupted as all five hundred of us exploded out of Westminster Elementary School?s every orifice to witness an incredible, natural phenomenon that not one of us had ever seen in our short existence. No teacher dared block our mass exodus. Every innocent little face turned skyward as our waterlogged Lotto, Reebok, and Converse sneakers slogged through the muck, out onto the school yard. Chunks of icy slush matted our hair and the humidity, coupled with the rapidly dropping temperature, chilled fingers and turned tiny faces bright pink. Minuscule feathers of cold, wet, amazing snow fluttered down onto our tongues. Second graders danced with umbrellas and the older kids started a ?snowball? fight that consisted of chucking handfuls of freezing mud and grass, coated with the rapidly melting snow, at each other and at any teacher who was foolishly responsible enough to try and corral us back inside. The pandemonium lasted for over an hour until the cold began to get to us and we retreated back into the school, which suddenly didn?t seem too warm after all. It was finally our jolly school janitor, Eddie, who succeeded in physically carrying the last stubborn students back inside. The principal, Mrs. MacElven announced over the intercom system that the remainder of the school day would be spent watching cartoons while we waited for the school busses to arrive and cart us home. Our glee abounded at this stroke of unseeming luck, and our teachers? relief for permission to administer this clever child sedative was apparent. The national weather service broke in periodically throughout the episodes of ?Scooby-Doo? and ?Jabber Jaw? to remind us that a state of natural disaster had been declared because of south Louisiana?s understandably pitiful lack of skills and equipment for dealing with ice on roads. We were informed that the last time Baton Rouge had seen snow was in 1973. The cafeteria ladies put away the school lunch, which had been wholly forgotten in the chaos of the morning, and sat in the back of the school, near the dumpsters, smoking skinny menthol cigarettes as our busses rolled us away across the untouched inch of pure, white snow. The children of route 247, heading south through the city towards University Lake, were particularly well behaved that day on the bus ride home. We were all exhausted. The reassuring sub-bass frequency of Interstate 10 was now a distant rumble. As the bus pulled up in front of my house, I was greeted by the familiar faces of neighbors and family in the surreal wonderland of whiteness. I bounded down the steps of the bus and my feet crunched the frozen alien terrain. The world seemed a sheet of new paper, unmarred, unscribbled upon. I gazed at the sky and saw my crayon mark at the top of the page: blue sky peered down on Baton Rouge through pencil-shaded clouds. My breath emerged in little, translucent puffs. I felt a chill and was glad to be home, running up the driveway to my mother, thinking of hot chocolate. |
| Tuesday, April 2nd, 2002 | |
| 10:29 am | Shit. Oh Shit. I was an hour and a half late for work today because last night, instead of going home and going to sleep when I should have I ate a bunch of damn shrooms with Peter etc. We had way too much fun for our own good. Hehehe. I can't wait till we go to the beach! Werd. Spring break kicks ass. Work is now going to kick my ass. Heh. I feel all effervescent. These lights are tricking my eyes! |
| Wednesday, February 20th, 2002 | |
| 4:33 am | Reality Strikes Again. God I feel fucking sick. I just found out today that during Mardi Gras, Kenny got taken down by the NOPD. Shot in the shoulder. He's dead. I can't find the obit anywhere online. They had the service last week. He's just a small pile of ashes now. Fuck. I don't know how to feel or what to think or do. I just feel numb and lightheaded. This is fucked up. I read this article that came out before Mardi Gras and I remember thinking how I probably knew whomever robbed the clinic for the K. I thought of him because he liked K more than anyone I knew except me. Here are the articles. I don't know if he had anything to do with the first burglary, but the second article is about him. Rest In Peace, Kenny. We love you. -Your brothers and sisters, holdin it down in the dirty south. Thursday February 07 06:56 PM EST DEA Probes Northshore Ketamine Theft St. Tammany Parish sheriff's deputies are working with the DEA to find the person who stole ketamine from the Tulane Primate Center. The drug was taken last week from the center near Covington. Officials say two 10-cc bottles were discovered missing from the center's drug supply. The drug has a street value of about $500. Ketamine, or 'special K' is used as an anaesthetic and tranquilizer for animals, but in recent years it has become a street drug. Users either snort or swallow it in powder form or drink.. or inject the liquid. The drug causes hallucinations, numbness and sometimes muscle paralysis. Police: Clinic Theft Suspect Wanted 'Special K' New Orleans police were investigating a shooting involving a burglary suspect and a police officer. Investigators said the suspect, Kenneth Strother, 20, of Metairie, was shot early Thursday fleeing from a veterinary clinic after breaking in and stealing a small amount of ketamine, known on the street as "Special K." When police arrived on the scene at about 4:45 a.m., authorities said the man ran out the side of the building, encountering officer Robert Macklin on the way. The man lunged at the officer, grabbing at his weapon, according to acting NOPD Superintendent Duane Johnson. Johnson said Macklin took a step back, fought off the attacker and fired one round. The suspect was hit in the shoulder and taken to Charity Hospital, where he died. |
| Thursday, February 14th, 2002 | |
| 8:00 pm | Liz Tops the Crest and Examines Mental Illnes You are on the brink of something fantastic, so just hang in there a little bit longer. It could be that you feel like the little train engine who is slowly working her way up the mountain. Perhaps you have made compromises and sacrifices along the way in order to get where you are. Just keep going. Pretty soon you will top the crest, and the rest of the journey will be all downhill. The tremendous work you have put in will pay off generously. God I hope this horoscope is accurate! I am preparing my art and writing portfolios to send to colleges, as well as a video of my performance ability and letters of recommendation. This shit is a big pain in my ass, and then I have Kate being all emotionally needy and trying to do things to get my attention... UGH! |
| Sunday, February 3rd, 2002 | |
| 5:01 am | Liz and Toad Shoot the Shit MrToadAndMe: hrmm PixxieLiz1: hey whatsup toadie?! MrToadAndMe: shoulder kinda hurts MrToadAndMe: fell while riding bike drunk MrToadAndMe: stupid beer MrToadAndMe: could have put the beer in the backpack MrToadAndMe: but nooooo MrToadAndMe: gotta ride and drink MrToadAndMe: like it couldn't wait MrToadAndMe: haha PixxieLiz1: hahaha MrToadAndMe: my wrist doesn't hurt anymore tho PixxieLiz1: silly toadie! MrToadAndMe: a fucked up shoulder is cool PixxieLiz1: aw MrToadAndMe: but a wrist is like bad for a keyboard PixxieLiz1: ya that sucks man MrToadAndMe: once i can't communicate through text MrToadAndMe: i am dead PixxieLiz1: :( MrToadAndMe: so you want me to the story of my life MrToadAndMe: you'd have to have a lot of tape for my story PixxieLiz1: hehe MrToadAndMe: hrm MrToadAndMe: :( MrToadAndMe: so MrToadAndMe: hows life MrToadAndMe: you teased me :( i thought you were coming to be my little slave MrToadAndMe: then you said you were bringing a friend MrToadAndMe: !! PixxieLiz1: i just decided to shoulder the burden of personal responsibility and be a good human again with a legitimate job and such MrToadAndMe: bah MrToadAndMe: could hav edone that in memphis MrToadAndMe: stupid spacebar PixxieLiz1: well, i am still planning a trip up there to see you MrToadAndMe: aw okay PixxieLiz1: i just have to have money to do it man! MrToadAndMe: good MrToadAndMe: ! PixxieLiz1: hehe MrToadAndMe: you could have rode with me last weekend MrToadAndMe: hehe PixxieLiz1: it will be this summer PixxieLiz1: ya if you had called me! PixxieLiz1: hehehe MrToadAndMe: yeah i didn't call anyone PixxieLiz1: i would have too! MrToadAndMe: damn MrToadAndMe: hrmm PixxieLiz1: if you had called MrToadAndMe: :( PixxieLiz1: hehe MrToadAndMe: that sux PixxieLiz1: aw dont fret! MrToadAndMe: i'm sorry i didn't call :( PixxieLiz1: thats ok PixxieLiz1: i didnt even kno you were coming down this soon MrToadAndMe: yeah had to get my money before mardi gras PixxieLiz1: i fig'd you'd wait till mardi gras! PixxieLiz1: ahhhhh PixxieLiz1: ic MrToadAndMe: haha yeah fuck some mardi gras PixxieLiz1: well thats legit too MrToadAndMe: hehe PixxieLiz1: hahaha hells yeah dude PixxieLiz1: its raucous MrToadAndMe: mardi gras was fun that one time MrToadAndMe: i don't want to push the limits of what god will let me do MrToadAndMe: ugh i gotta be up in 6 hours MrToadAndMe: on a sunday MrToadAndMe: wtf MrToadAndMe: i wanna sleep in and get drunk again PixxieLiz1: i'll prolly show up in NO on tues evening after mostly everyones left town so i can go to the palace for the all jungle party MrToadAndMe: hehe PixxieLiz1: last year was the only year of my life i missed mardi gras in its feindish, debaucherous entirity MrToadAndMe: haha MrToadAndMe: ugh PixxieLiz1: this year will be no exception! MrToadAndMe: hrmm PixxieLiz1: i can still claim that i've never willingly missed the biggest annual party on the plannet MrToadAndMe: haha PixxieLiz1: hehe MrToadAndMe: man this year would be bad tho MrToadAndMe: fucking crop dusters over bourbon PixxieLiz1: god... i know PixxieLiz1: ugh MrToadAndMe: fuck that MrToadAndMe: i'm only watching the superbowl cuz if something happens i'm not gonna say "naw i was on aim" PixxieLiz1: thats why i'm only going for the last few hours of the shit PixxieLiz1: hahaha MrToadAndMe: hrmm MrToadAndMe: man it's gonna be fucked up tommorow PixxieLiz1: wtf dude... do you think they would turn ALL those people away from flights and hotels and restaurants for mardi gras if the superbowl gets blown up??? PixxieLiz1: they would anywhere but new orleans, la! MrToadAndMe: i have like the same feeling like i had before the year 2000, just waiting to see if something fucked up happens MrToadAndMe: haha PixxieLiz1: they'll make it part of the tours... MrToadAndMe: yeah MrToadAndMe: the superbowl crater MrToadAndMe: ugh PixxieLiz1: "and on your left is the crater where the superdome used to be... MrToadAndMe: i hear the feds rolling up outside my apartment MrToadAndMe: "DIE TERRORIST WEED SMOKER" PixxieLiz1: "plese make a donation to the 'yats against terrorism revenge fund'" MrToadAndMe: haha MrToadAndMe: like what if they just think this is like a game now MrToadAndMe: all this security being thrown at it MrToadAndMe: like they have to match it now PixxieLiz1: "uh i mean superbowl restoration fund" PixxieLiz1: ugh it makes me sick PixxieLiz1: fuck all the nonsense MrToadAndMe: our country is fucked MrToadAndMe: we're all going to die PixxieLiz1: i dont think we are MrToadAndMe: the meteor needs to hurry up PixxieLiz1: hehe PixxieLiz1: there are a lot more of us than there are of them MrToadAndMe: haha MrToadAndMe: yeah but their a lot more willing to die to kill a bunch of us MrToadAndMe: and their fucking pissed PixxieLiz1: i think we should go and round up all the dudes over there who are into oppressing women and violent protests and throw em in prisons and liberate the country for the peaceful muslims and other innocent victims MrToadAndMe: hrmm PixxieLiz1: i know, and with good reason, but they are overreacting MrToadAndMe: hrmm PixxieLiz1: they could just make some governmental pact thing against our asses MrToadAndMe: just you wait until that suitcase nuke goes off in the superdome tommorow MrToadAndMe: shit will get 1984 on us quick PixxieLiz1: but they cant because they depend on us to buy their oil and shit PixxieLiz1: haha PixxieLiz1: god i hope not MrToadAndMe: yeah MrToadAndMe: me and my telescreen MrToadAndMe: lalala PixxieLiz1: those fuckers just need to tell us what their problem is, and get on their feet financially and stop being jackasses ramming planes into buildings and nuking the superbowl... that shit is just totally unnessasary MrToadAndMe: hrmm MrToadAndMe: our goverment doesn't really listen tho MrToadAndMe: it kinda stomps shit MrToadAndMe: Hundreds of concrete barriers have been put in place around the Superdome and thousands of security personnel will be deployed at the site. MrToadAndMe: whoa wtf MrToadAndMe: hehe MrToadAndMe: didn't see those PixxieLiz1: i'm sure if they would just act right someone would listen to them, but why listen to people who are running around like madmen with m-16's, beating their women for showing too much ankle, raping their daughters, and sending their sons into war camps to learn to hate us, but never to learn solutions to their problems other than to kill people PixxieLiz1: they just need to find a different approach to getting their needs met PixxieLiz1: i think MrToadAndMe: haha very good point MrToadAndMe: not very civilized MrToadAndMe: i just say i understand MrToadAndMe: america has too much blood on it's hands now PixxieLiz1: and i think thats pretty reasonable, but if i went over there to try to tell them this shit they would kill me for being a woman wearing a t-shirt or some shit before i could even get a word out of my mouth MrToadAndMe: yeah MrToadAndMe: fucking tshirts MrToadAndMe: they'd kill you cuz your american PixxieLiz1: or they'd kill me for saying shit PixxieLiz1: hehe PixxieLiz1: yeah PixxieLiz1: that too PixxieLiz1: those crazy fucks MrToadAndMe: their pissed tho PixxieLiz1: i'm sure not all of them are that unreasonable MrToadAndMe: hrmm MrToadAndMe: those fuckers are nuts MrToadAndMe: all of um PixxieLiz1: just an unruly minority group has given the whole culture a bad name MrToadAndMe: no one realizes how young that whole christian thing is PixxieLiz1: i mean, really... it couldnt be THAT bad PixxieLiz1: i dont trust the news media to give accurate coverage PixxieLiz1: haha MrToadAndMe: yeah PixxieLiz1: yeah, i do... i'm a pagan MrToadAndMe: i still refersh cnn.com like a slut tho PixxieLiz1: hehehe MrToadAndMe: it's like you don't have to read the bullshit PixxieLiz1: i try to get most of my news from the ap wire and reuters MrToadAndMe: just waiting to see if anymore people die in israel MrToadAndMe: hrmm PixxieLiz1: ew MrToadAndMe: it was getting fucked up there for a while after sept 11 PixxieLiz1: ya who is doing the death count? MrToadAndMe: it seemed like all out war PixxieLiz1: oh man... tv news is awful PixxieLiz1: it is a tv show, they have to try to get ratings MrToadAndMe: oh i don't watch t news MrToadAndMe: tv PixxieLiz1: god i try not to either MrToadAndMe: hrm MrToadAndMe: thats just bad PixxieLiz1: i swear to god toad, one time i saw this shit on the weather channel saying that there were FOUR hurricanes in the gulf headed towards us MrToadAndMe: ya know PixxieLiz1: it didnt rain for weeks MrToadAndMe: haha MrToadAndMe: lies! PixxieLiz1: I'M SERIOUS! MrToadAndMe: haha MrToadAndMe: cia plot PixxieLiz1: those fuckers did it just for the ratings! MrToadAndMe: hahaha PixxieLiz1: they wanted to strike fear into the hearts of southerners everywhere MrToadAndMe: yeah MrToadAndMe: haha MrToadAndMe: "stupid rednecks" PixxieLiz1: and keep them watching the weather channel "for the latest hurricane developments" PixxieLiz1: blechhhh MrToadAndMe: i'm going back to the computer show to return something wearing the same clothes i went to it in today MrToadAndMe: >:P PixxieLiz1: the computer show? MrToadAndMe: yeah MrToadAndMe: bought something that doesn't seem to work right PixxieLiz1: whats the computer show? PixxieLiz1: is that like a computere store? MrToadAndMe: like a big arena of people selling computer hardware MrToadAndMe: like a umm PixxieLiz1: werd werd MrToadAndMe: like a gun show PixxieLiz1: like a gun and knife show! MrToadAndMe: but with geeks MrToadAndMe: yeah MrToadAndMe: hjahaha PixxieLiz1: YA! MrToadAndMe: yeah hehe MrToadAndMe: ugh gotta go back tommorow and make the guy give me a new one PixxieLiz1: man, my dad says those are great people watchin' MrToadAndMe: haha MrToadAndMe: yeah i bet MrToadAndMe: i'm trying to talk a friend into dosing with me and going to see britanny spear's new movie PixxieLiz1: like you can see pregnant, bossomy bottle-blondes in spike heels and leggings pushing a stoller, smoking a kool 100, and drinking a diet coke while screaming obscenities at her other disheveled children who are running amok in the bayyonet department while her husband (who has an obscenely large beltbuckle of the state of texas painted like a rebel-flag half hidden underneath his beer gut which is encased in a grubby wifebeater) chews a huge wad of tobbacco and examines the handguns PixxieLiz1: trying to decide which one of the little bastards to pick off first PixxieLiz1: he told me one time about this old veteran who worked there PixxieLiz1: he was trying to get a bayonet to go on his antique shotgun, just so he'd have the whole set you know, and this dude says to him "will ya be wantin the blade or the spike? PixxieLiz1: and my dad was kind of confused because he wasnt aware that there was more than one kind of bayonnet PixxieLiz1: and asked what the difference was PixxieLiz1: and the old veteran (who only had one eye, btw) looks him in the eye and says "well the blade's a mess when your trying to get it outta the chest cavity... but you can just RAM the spike on through and pull it right back out" PixxieLiz1: and then he made this slurping sound that was supposed to be the sound of the spike coming out *schlurppp!!!* |
| 3:40 am | Liz Shoulders the Burden of Personal Responsibility, Vows to Resolve Debts I have been thinking a lot about what Kate said about me being irresponsible. I know it must seem that way, and to an extent I know she's right. But I was not always like this, and I don't plan to continue being irresponsible forever. The way it happened was that when I got sick (I mean REALLY sick) I could not take care of myself. I thought that was bullshit since I had been actively taking care of myself for years. I got my first job when I was 14 and there have been only 2 times since then that I haven't been employed. The first was when I got fired from Joey's Java (for *allegedly* having called Marti a bitch behind her back while I worked there, which I did not do, even though she was, and is, a bitch). I didn't work for a few months after that because I didn't need to. Bill said he would take care of shit, and he did. (He was making enough money to take care of us and his parents!)The only other time I have not held a job has been since the end of last February, when I went into the hospital, to present. I realize it's almost been a year though, and I was really fully recovered from surgery after about 4 months. So yes, I have been the epitome of irresponsibility for close to the last 6 months. I signed up for classes I didn't go to; I missed one of my exams; I got shitty grades; I wasted my parents' money; I spent all my spare time getting stoned with (a few highly intellegent, productive people but mostly) a bunch of lowlifes; I didn't have a single legitimate job the entire year; and I let my credit rating go further down the drain by not paying my speeding ticket, half in a stubborn, childish act of defiance (cleverly disguised as conscientious objection), and half because I was just too lazy to fuck with it after all that time because I knew it would be a big hassle. All of which is still irresponsible, and I have no one to blame but myself for any of it because it IS all my fault. However, in that same six months I have also done many wonderful things and had many startlingly good thoughts and various mental and emotional realizations and breakthroughs. Many of these have been documented, though not nearly as many as should have been. This has been a time of serious reflection for me, and now it's time for me to set about the looming task of cleaning up the messes I made whilst in the midst of my deep thoughts. Normally I take care of these things as I go along, but I've let my problems build for some time... first because I was too sick to think about them, but then because I wanted to see what would happen if I just left nature to its devices... an experiment of sorts. The result of the experiment is my current predicament, and *my conclusion is as follows*: It is best to live a worry-free life under any circumstances. However, ignoring one's duties and obligations and proceeding to not worry about any of the turmoil that results is not an acceptable substitute for just taking care of business before the situation becomes worrisome. The only way to lead a truly worry-free life is to address each and every challenge as it arises to the best of your ability as a human and to have faith that you are doing the best you can and that everything will be alright. Nothing more, nothing less. Some people, (namely Bill) will now inevitably say, "well I could have told you that six months ago," but I am an extremely stubborn person and I have to learn these things for myself sometimes. Hopefully, in the future, I will learn to listen to smart people's good advice too. |
| Thursday, January 17th, 2002 | |
| 3:58 pm | Crotchety Old Women, Hysterical Redneck Vigilante Justice, and A Much Needed Toke So, today is my mom's 50th birthday. I went out to lunch with her and my grandma. Mame is a hard person for me to understand or identify with. She is very proper and conservative. She straight up told me that she "does not approve" of my going to Hawaii. She wanted to know about Monroe, and I just told her that the roommate situation wasn't working out. I would have told her that Monroe was awful because of the rednecks, the vigilante justice, the high volume of tweekers and lack of people with good energies. But I couldn't tell her that. I just left the questions kind of open and tried to steer conversation away from that awful town. Two things prompted my leaving Monroe. One: Bill told me not to stay there. He has an incredible history of being right about things like that. (ie - he told me not to get a place with JR) The other thing that influenced my decision to leave is the story that follows... WHY VIGILANTE JUSTICE DOESN'T PAY OFF: On a Monday in January Bill, Kate and I got pulled over by a whole mess of cops because this off-duty bozo saw Bill hitting a pipe in traffic one afternoon. We had warned him that we weren't in Baton Rouge and that he probably shouldn't do that, but he trusted his senses and made a sort of comical display, hitting the pipe in front of a news crew in a company vehicle, who appreciated the humor. Unfortunately someone else who saw Bill's display didn't think it was so funny. We were just minding our own business going to WalMart to get a key made and were in the parking lot when Bill allerted us to the fact that we were being trailed. Kate and I were incredulous at first but quickly realized that we were, in fact, being followed by some guy in a green Geo Tracker who was talking into some sort of handset. We didn't really know what to do because we had no clue who the guy was. He could have just been some freak who was following us. He didn't have any lights on his car and it would have been stupid and possibly dangerous for us to pull over with this maniac on our tail, so we just kept going and trying to lose him without breaking any traffic laws. (He, however, was endangering countless innocent people with his wild maneuvers.) Eventually we were intercepted by 3 squad cars with their lights flashing, and pulled over. The green Tracker (which has an astonishing resemblance to a golf cart) pulled over behind the cops. The driver, a redneck sporting unibomber sunglasses and a "top gun" flat-top, leaped out, told Bill to exit the vehicle and started reading him his rights. When he finished and asked "Do you understand?," Bill laughed and said, "No." It was great. These fuckers had nothing on us. The redneck cop was obviously a rookie trying to make a name for himself and thought he'd stumbled upon a great oppurtunity for a narcotics bust. What he didn't anticipate was that we actualy know our rights. He first tried the "I'm your friend" approach and said "Well son, we know what you were doing so the best thing for you to do is just confess and hand over the dope and get it over with. We are going to find whatever you have in that car, so you just tell us, and this will be a lot easier on everyone." Of course that went nowhere. Bill just said "I don't know what you're talking about." At this point the other cops were trying to find some probable cause to search our car so they asked the rookie what he'd seen. He replied "This guy here is a real funny-man. He thought he would be funny and smoke some dope right in traffic on Louisville Avenue and these two (gesturing to me and Kate) just ate it up. They just laughed." The on duty cops asked, "Well what did the pipe look like?" And the rookie said "It was a wooden pipe about this long..." and held his hands about two feet apart. It was all the three of us could do to keep from laughing. As if we would smoke out of a wooden pipe! And a 2-foot long wooden pipe at that! After mentioning the news crew and even going so far as to suggest that they had the whole thing on film, the rookie tried the "I'm down with dope" approach and asked Bill in this slimy voice, "So ya got a hitter?" Bill said, "No." Periodically the angry redneck would pull out his badge, point to it, and emphatically repeat, "You see that?! THAT'S ME! Do you understand?!" To which Bill would just nod in agreement while Kate and I tried not to laugh. The other cops were even less impressed with the lack of probable cause than we were. When they saw that Bill knew his rights and the rookie wasn't getting anywhere by questioning him, they tried to get Kate to give them consent to search the vehicle. They had her cornered up against the hood of the car and were trying to trick her with their force-learned coersion tactics. I hopped out and said, "No she doesn't consent to a search of her vehicle. Now stop trying to harrass my friend." At which point the cop (who had a large scar on his neck) turned to me and said, "You just need to sit back inside the vehicle now, ma'am. We are questioning her right now, and we will talk to you in a minute." I said "No, I am standing on a public road and I don't need your permission to stand here. I'm within my rights." Then he told me I had better watch myself or he'd slap me with an interfering with an officer charge. I told him again that I wasn't doing anything wrong, that I knew my rights, and that he had better stop harrassing us, at which point they became disinterested in questioning either of us further. Kate had never been pulled over before, so she was a little unsure of how to handle herself. She was scared that they were going to arrest Bill or search her car without her consent. I reassured her that they couldn't do anything to us because they had no probable cause. She said "what do you think they're going to do?" I let the cop overhear me reply "they are going to finish questioning Bill and scanning our liscences and then they're going to have to let us go because we didn't do anything wrong." Meanwhile, the driver of the Tracker (the off duty rookie cop), had Bill behind Kate's car loudly asking, "Where's the co-CAINE?" (muffled negative reply from Bill), "Oh yeah? Well where's the POT?" (another negative reply), "Where's the METH, boy?" (same). At this point I started approaching them. "Where's the WEEEEEED?" Bill replied "Didn't you already ask me that?" By this time the three of us were having to try really hard not to laugh because of the rediculousness of the situation. The real cops were getting bored, and one of them poked his head through the back window of the car and announced, "I don't smell a damn thing!" The rookie was still plowwing away at Bill with his intimidation attempt. "We can either do this the easy way or the hard way..." "You wanna play that game, huh? I know that game, I've been playing that game for the past 7 years! (points to badge) You see that? THAT'S ME! We can play that game if that's what you want, son. But it would be a lot easier on you and me and everyone here if you would just level with me... now where are the drugs?" They ran our liscences. We all came up clean. The car was registered and insured and everything checked out. By this time the guy was hysterical, and everyone else had already figured out that they had absolutely no probable cause with which to search our car, to prosecute us, or to even hold us for further questioning. The other cops asked the rookie again, "Now what was he smoking out of?" to which he replied "It was a bong... you know, one of those big plasticmetal things..." He immediately turned back to Bill, who was laughing, and started yelling at him again. I said to him "Hey, there is no reason for you to yell at him. You need to stop harrassing us." He turned to me very slowly, the veins in his neck pumping with blood and hissed, "You sure have a mouth on ya, don't ya girl?" "Yes I do." I said, unconcerned. Then, just as I predicted, the cops had to let us go because we hadn't done anything wrong. They drove away as we got back into the car. We pulled out the pipe (which was about 5 inches long and glass) and the knuggs (which were from Colorado and very nice... much too nice to give to any horrible cop) and smoked a much needed and much deserved bowl on our way home. Fuck Monroe. |
| 12:09 pm | peacewall entry and crohn's recipe http://www.peacewall.com/data_entry.asp I am a person. A female person. A young person. A beautiful person, not just by Babylon's standards, but because I recognize Namaste within myself and within all others. I love myself. I love you. I believe that we are all children of god, a part of god, that every creature is precious and infinite in beauty and possibilities. But I also believe that within everything there is a balance. I am a person. A human person. A person who has made mistakes and hurt others, like all other people. I have learned much from the path that has made up the moments of this life. I am also a person with a serious, chronic disease called Crohn's disease. Crohn's is believed to be an autoimmune disorder. That means my immune system, which should work to fight off pathogens that are harming my body, instead works to destroy healthy tissue. This manifests itself as ulcers in my intestines. Anything I eat or drink can trigger severe symptoms, and I've been hospitalized with complications of my disease. Since only about 2 million people worldwide have Crohn's, there is very little research done to provide relief for victims and their families. It's just not lucrative for drug companies to fund research to help erradicate diseases like Crohn's, since even if they found a cure for it there aren't enough people who have the disease to have made it a profitable venture. You might see me anywhere when I am in a remission phase of Crohn's... at a show smiling and dancing and singing with friends, waiting tables at a popular restaraunt, in class, studying in the park, or doing yoga. You would think I am the picture of health. In fact, unless you saw the 6 inch vertical scar that runs to the left of my navel, you would never have a clue that 5 months ago, when I was 19 years old, I weighed only 85 pounds and was being fed intravenously by a glucose solution because 30% of my intestines had to be removed due to severe intestinal ulcerations, swelling, and a microperforation which resulted in a psoas abcess the size of a softball. In life there are things that will make you feel scared. There are things that will make you feel sad, and angry, and hopeless. Being sick and helpless and hooked up to machines will make you feel those feelings. And when you are in a hospital bed and the people around you are not family and you see the looks of pity and the shaking heads of people who are doubting that you will make it, you can do one of two things: You can either agree with them and let yourself fade away; or you can grab onto all the dreams you had for your life that you put off "until I graduate," or "until I'm older," or "someday..." and you can harness the energy of all the things you haven't ever done because you didn't have enough time, and you can set those things as priority. Sometimes the best way to find fullfillment and inner peace is to fight. A lot of people who are stricken with disease try to fight the disease itself, but when the disease is a part of your genetic code, it's different. If you fight yourself, you always lose. Instead I had to become more aware of my body's subtle signals and listen to them. I had to fight to regain my strength and to prove to myself and others that I wasn't going to be "the girl that tragically died so young of, oh, what was it that she had?" So I fought! And I slowly got better! Every day I continued the visualization meditation I had been doing for about a year. I would balance my chakras by immaginning them spinning, individually, and then I would pull peacefull energy down from the universe, through my crown chakra and into my body in order to heal myself. ***************************************************************************************** It's Time To Eat Again?!: Kind Recipies for Humans with Overly-Discriminating Guts Edited by Liz Butler - *Never* consume anything that's processed, fried, artificial, caffeinated, alcoholic, very acidic, or very crunchy (unless you chew it very, very well). - Drink PLENTY of purified water, and nothing else (not even herbal teas)! - Take a multivitamin with your breakfast. - Eat every time you get hungry, even if it's inconvenient. - Sleep when you get tired, even if that's inconvenient. - Refuse to be around people who are negative. - Be totally honest in your life. - Give yourself massages. - Surround yourself with beauty and love. - Do things that make you feel good. - Never rush to do anything. - Actively support causes you believe in. - Find a doctor that you trust implicitly and whom you feel really listens to you and respects you. - Excercise. - Go outside. - Meditate. - Listen to your body. - Trust your guts. - Don't complain (unless the waiter just brought you a big tray of fried chicken and assorted citrus fruits instead of what you ordered) - If you have a problem- however small, don't get upset! Take some time out, then come back to it later when you are less emotional about it. - Smoke some pot. Cannabis Sativa is THE BEST drug you can take if you have an autoimmune disorder! According to the PDR for Herbal Medicines, tetrahydrocannabinol (or THC), the active ingredient in marijuana, is recognized not only as an appetite stimulant and anti-nausea agent, but as an immune system depressant! Other immunosupressant drugs (like Immuran) are far more dangerous and far more expensive than cannabis. Dronabinal (Marinol) pills can be perscribed to those suffering from Crohn's induced anorexia. And for those who can't keep anything down (not even pills), your doctor can even give you government-grown and rolled joints to smoke so that you will be able to eat. (Please note that despite it's medicinal uses cannibis is currently still considered a schedule one narcotic in the U.S., thus making it illegal to posess or distribute. Hopefully through the prompting of people who have benefited from cannabis, the government will end its silly, misguided prohibition on a very useful and important medicine, and millions of people will no longer needlessly suffer.) - If you feel like you don't have enough time to do these things, then you need to cut something else out. - You should actually cut out EVERYTHING that stresses you out unless it is a source of love and fullfillment. (If you hate your job, quit it and find one you love). - By surrounding yourself with love you will always feel better than if you surround yourself with stress. I have eliminated fast food, tomatoes, citrus fruits, fried foods, processed foods, corn and popcorn, and chips from my diet with astounding results. I had an *extremely* severe case of Crohn's Disease. They couldn't even complete my colonoscopy because my intestines were too swolen for the scope to fit through. After developing a psoas abcess and undergoing a resection and anastamosis (as well as a subsequent needle aspiration surgery when the abcess returned less than a month later), going from 120 to 85 pounds (at 5'5), and being fed intravenously for weeks I thought I would never be able to eat again. I hated the steroids and I hated having to take 30+ pills a day, so instead I decided that for once in my life I was going to chill out and do what made ME feel good. Now I take excellent care of myself. I stay away from ciggarette smoke, I drink water all day long, I only eat things that don't hurt me, and yes I actually DO all the things I reccomended. I feel great. I feel better than I have, ever, in my entire life. I feel better than most - I would venture to say at least 90% of - people withOUT chronic autoimmune disorders. Liz's Get-Well Quick Organic Pasta Dish (aka: Noodles with Butter) serves: 1 prep time: 15 mins cooking method: boiling ingredients: - one or two "bird's nests" of organic semolina pasta - two tablespoons of better than butter - pinch of sea salt - splash of cold pressed exta virgin olive oil - 1/2 gallon purified water - 1/2 gram Northern Lights #5 Directions: 1- Boil some water in a pot with a splash of olive oil and a pinch of salt. 2- When the water is boiling, add the pasta. 3- Cook for about 8 minutes or until tender. Do not over-cook. (pasta should be served al dente) 4:20- smoke some bud while you wait for your pasta to cook so you will be able to stomach eating something. 5- being careful not to burn yourself with the hot water or steam, drain the pasta. 6- mix pasta and butter in a bowl until butter melts. 7- enjoy! Possible Variations: If you can tolerate it, it's good with a sprinkle of grated parmesan cheese. (But not that shaker parmesan in the can... that stuff is loaded with preservatives, is bad for you, and tastes bad too.) Steamed veggies go well in this dish too! You can really put anything with pasta that your body will not reject. Oh, if you can't get a hold of any NL#5, B.C. buds will work ok too. ;D Storage Suggestions: no, no, that's the point of smoking up... so that you EAT it! (but a ziploc bag works just fine and it will be ok in the fridge for a few days) |
| Saturday, December 15th, 2001 | |
| 4:05 pm | Currently trying to get out of town. Bit all my nails off yesterday and burned my leg on the gas heater. My house had been full of people for far too long, so I threw them all out yesterday. I think Chris and Moser might be pissed off at me, I hope they aren't. I was losing my shit though and really needed some time to myself. I haven't been feeling well ever since I drank on Tuesday night (Billmas) and I haven't been able to get anything done with all these people around. I think most of the reason I have bee losing it though is because this place is so small and gets wrecked so easily... especially since I'm in the process of moving. So now that I've gotten all the bullshit out, here's what's really going on... I had a garage sale last week and sold most of what I own. I got $125. Now I figure if I can save $20 a day between now and December 27, I can go and meet Smeeth and Cap'n John for New Years. Then I will need to continue to save money until I have a couple G's or until I would need to leave to get to Hawaii on Valentine's day. I'm thinking about staying out on the west coast during that time- maybe working at a resort or something. I think another reason I am antsy is because I am very sexually frustrated. But there is no one I want to have sex with! The only oppurtunities I've had (and they've been plentiful) have been with guys I don't want to have sex with! Bill and Chris both throw themselves at me, and so does this junkie named Pat, but I am not interested. I don't even understand my own new criteria for sex partners. I want to only have sex with someone whom I love and who loves me, but at the same time I don't want it to turn out like it did with Chris and I- him getting jelous. I am not ready for any sort of commitment. But does that mean I shouldn't have sex? I think, ideally, I would want to be able to have sex with multiple partners, all of whom I have an understanding with that I love them but don't want to be committed to them. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to work that way. So what is my answer? I check the box marked DK again. Well, actually. No, I need to continue exploring this topic. What has made me feel this way? I think it has a lot to do with Saul and what happened there. I loved being with Saul because he was very self assured and independant. I think if I could find a guy that didn't need to be fixed in some way and who loved me for who I am, that I could be with only him. But what am I supposed to do in the meantime?! Fuck. Is this scenario too idealistic? The Cap'n sent me a beautiful email the other day: -Liz , Thank you for being such a sweet ma ma . I haveb the adresses you sent me in my adress book. I think about what you said about my shakra and all. I'f I am still on the main land for summer tour I'll go with the band and you can tour with me .Witch will be more fun than you could possibly imagine If i'm still here i should be touring with Chris any way.I know alot of family on tour. I fell in love with the way you carry yourself . I think i could teach you alot.But then I would run the risk of you falling in love with me. I'ts achance i"ll have to take. ... You seem to southern to be able to sleep with your friends successfully. An admirable trait. I love you and cant wait to kiss you CAPTAIN JOHN( the muthafuckin rockstar ) I love getting letters like that... they make me feel all effervesent. Hehe. Mmmmm... Yeah. John is fucking cool, as is Wavy. I don't think either of them stay monagamous for very long though. The self-assuredness thing is something Wavy definetly has. I think John had it at one point, but got his heart broken. He is also very alcoholic. And see, I just don't need to deal with anyone's addiction but my own. And I can't try to change anyone but myself anymore. All you can really do in any given situation is change your behavior. It is a beautiful overcast day in Baton Rouge. The trees are being softly stirred by an invisible force of nature. There is a bit of blue peering at me through pencil-shaded clouds. I can hear birds and five o clock traffic, punctuated by barking dogs and motorcycles and all set to the low bass frequencies of Interstate 10. I will not miss cancer alley or LSU but I will miss this place... this moment. I won't miss my parents' coersion tactics or my brother's violent addiction or my dad's unhappiness or the other things that have somehow destroyed our family. There are places in Baton Rouge,; the apartments on Wyoming Street where I was drugged and raped when I was 17, the apartments on Chimes and Carlotta where I had to save Bill from attempted suicide, the house on Broussard where Kate was taken advantage of by "friends," these places I will not miss... I will likely come back here someday and shudder at the thought of the damaging events that have taken place here. My happiest memories of Baton Rouge are at my parent's old house at 1535 Knollwood: playing in the sprinkler, finding toads in the water meter, building forts in the backyard; my and Bill's first apartment (with Nick on Alvin Dark) when we had just fallen in love and all the fun things we did that summer when we partied and played dominoes and chilled and weren't worried about money or anything. All my other happiest memories take place outside of Baton Rouge- at Camp Hardtner, on some vacation or another (Portland being notable.) Now I have the chance to go other places and make new happy memories. The sun is going down, temperature dropping. I've only been awake for two hours. I need a job very badly if I plan to make enough money to go see the Capn for new years. I feel like at this point in my life I need someone to talk to. Someone who is family. (And obviously not my mother, I mean real family- someone who loves me and has my best interests at heart, but who at the same time understands who I am and isn't trying to fit me into a mold.) Then there is the problem of getting advice from the wrong people... you always have to watch out for those who would lead you astray for their own benefit. |
| Friday, December 7th, 2001 | |
| 3:47 pm | The Fixit Syndrome Goddamn. The longer I stay in Baton Rouge, the more I loose sight of my goals. I think most of it has to do with Kate. I love Kate, but lately I've been feeling like her mom or something. She punched through a wall because she was upset with Andrew and broke her hand. Then didn't go to the hospital until I FORCED her to... she hung around those jackasses and they didn't care enough to take care of her. I don't know what to make of our friendship. (Heh, I just typed friendshit... Freudian slip?) Kate isn't really a wonderful friend... in the same way I didn't used to be a good friend. She doesn't care enough about other people to be a good friend. But that's because she is too worried about finding someone to attach herself to. She isn't even a good friend to herself. I wish she was. I would stay with her forever. Or maybe I just feel sorry for her and want to fix her (that's what Bill said and he's usually right about these things.) |
| Wednesday, November 28th, 2001 | |
| 3:43 pm | All That I Need and Loyalty Vs. Abuse Got back from my vacation yesterday. I am a changed woman! These past few months of nonsense had blinded me to the fact that I need to leave Baton Rouge. I think things have worked out this way for a reason... I wasn't ready to leave before! But now that I've had all these consciousness raising experiences this year (almost dying, doing chakra meditation, seeing what a hospital is really like, the start of an actual war, seeing so many of my friends get pregnant or trying to raise children, seeing people get treated like shit, treat each other like shit, and getting treated like shit myself, not to mention having one of my friends turn narc, a rash of one-night stands that all ended in my feeling shitty, learning not to sleep with my friends that are guys because it only causes problems, meeting family kids, dating a guy so superficial that he told me to wear makeup and tight clothes, etc., etc.) I have really begun to decide what I want to do. I want to travel, I want to grow my dreads, I want to not deal with all the drama, I want to braid some hemp and blow some glass and smoke some knuggs and sell some socks, I want to do some art and make some music and meet some cool people, I want to not worry about plucking my eyebrows or shaving my damn legs or whether or not I "look cute." I am cute. I am beautiful. I want to eat right. I want to feel good. I want to get off when I'm horny and not need some guy to get me off. I want to learn things... not things they teach you in the colleges of Babylon- real things. I want to play in the woods. I want to swim in the ocean. I want to sing and dance and become one with the universe and let love run through my veins until I boil over with laughter. I want to really live. Before I left for my vacation Saul came over and chilled for a few minutes. He tried to kiss me, but I stopped him and said "You can't play with me like that." He left a little while later after I practically begged him to stay. Once I got up to Portland I didn't even think of him except to wonder what I was ever doing with him. I know a lot of it had to do with having had a crush on him since I was 6 years old. I over-fantasized the relationship. In reality he couldn't have been further from what I needed... he loved to listen to me talk, and I loved for him to hold me. But he made me super self conscious with all his concern with physical appearance. When I got back Kate sat me down and very nervously tried to tell me how he had tried to get with her while I was out of town. I was surprised, but not really. Kate was SO nervous that I might be mad at her... she winced the entire time she was telling the story like she thought I might hit her or something! It was fucked up! Of course I wasn't mad at her at all, and was more confused than anything... he was saying crazy stuff to her like "me and Andrew both love you so much," and "our bodies were meant to rub together." So yeah I am fairly certain that Saul is losing his shit again. It sucks because on the one hand I want to be loyal and stand by him as a friend because I have known him for so long and I want to be a good friend. I would want someone to be there for me if I was losing my mind. But on the other hand, if you are loyal to people who hurt you all the time it means you are being abused. |
| Saturday, October 20th, 2001 | |
| 7:39 pm | Sad. :( I am upset. Saul is having some kind of inner turmoil over our relationship. He won't call me and keeps making plans w/me and breaking them or telling me he will call and then he won't, using the excuse that he lost my phone number. I am trying to give him space if that's what he needs because I really love him and I want to make this work so badly... I haven't ever felt this way about anyone. Not only do I love him- he's the kind of person I WANT to be in love with. I just don't know if he's ready. I think he just started really caring about me and now he's scared. I wish he would just do what he says he'll do. Or if he doesn't want to try, he could just tell me that instead of having me so upset, wanting to spend time with him; getting my hopes up and then being let down again and again. I just want things to be like they were. I don't understand what happened. I don't like this. |
| Sunday, October 14th, 2001 | |
| 7:04 pm | Liz assesses one of the most disturbing dreams she's ever had and makes speculations about Kate. Sometimes I think some of my friends serve more as examples of how not to act than as friends, but I am a friend to them so they will not go crazy. Kate for example. She is so full of drama! I need to do a binding on her so she can't hurt people... she is extraordinarily hostile and emotionally volatile like Bill. Whenever I am around her its like I can just smell all sorts of foul revenge plots in the air. I wish I could show her how to be nice and compassionate and honest and everything without her taking it as some sort of criticism. I guess part of my problem is that I am scared of her- I am scared of her negative energies and their effects on me and those around her. That's my reason for wanting to do a binding. Hrm. I think I need to find a way to circumvent or really disperse my fears. Yes she is a dangerous source of volatile unruly energies, but only if I allow her to be. I really had the most disturbing dream about her the other night. I dreamed that I was at a rave with a swimming pool that somehow turned into Saul's parents house and that I was very aroused. I was going to masturbate, but I had to move the pillows off the bed first and the more pillows I moved away, the more there were on the bed. After I finally got all the pillows off the bed Kate was there, sticking her hand down my pants and I was so horny I didn't object. In the dream I went down on her out of curiosity b/c I have never been with a girl, and she was pierced! After I woke up I was pretty freaked out because I don't like girls and I wonder what this dream meant? I'm still not really sure. Oh yeah, and the other thing was that the dream was very very realistic (which made it more disturbing). I was sleeping in Saul's bed, to his right when I had this dream. I almost never have sexual dreams, and this is the first time I've ever dreamed about being with another girl. I haven't seen Kate since I had this dream. I feel like next time I see her she'll know I had this erotic dream about her and either 1- try to get with me, or 2- be totally repulsed and not want to be my friend anymore and talk shit about me and call me a lesbian freak. Neither of which I would want to happen, and neither of which is very realistic (or is it... I mean, it is KATE and she's pretty crazy...)I guess I just need to chill. Maybe someday I will tell her, but there is no real need to because it WAS just a dream. Unless she projected into my dream, which is sort of what I am afraid of. Ew. Also of note, Kate's mom is a lesbian and encourages her to be one too. |
| 3:59 am | Liz reflects on the interesting revelations of being high and playing UNO with the innerfamily in some ways quitting drugs makes me think i might turn out just like my parents. being around chris and ashley, especially makes me think that. i wonder if that is because i was also an accident? my parents are cute with each other, like ashley and chris, but they don't have the passion that bill and i had. I know that if they didn't have Liam, Ashley and Chris would have broken up, but since they do and they feel it's important for him to have two parents, the strength of their mutual conviction lets them stay together and to love each other. And have a family... like my parents family I guess... That would make a lot of sense. I know that Sam was an accident, so its not that improbable that I could have come of the same carelessness. I guess maybe I see quitting drugs as some kind of advancement... a step forward in my role in life somehow, but in a direction my deep-rooted philosophies shouldn't allow me to go without puling my hair out in large clumps and screaming in protest. Like I got a promotion and surprise raise that inadvertently lifted me into another tax bracket, meaning I have to work twice as much, get paid more, but ultimately make less money because I have to give so much to the government. I was thinking two things tonight... firstly: What if Islam was the "right" religion and hell was like a bad trip? and also: I wonder if my parents feel the same way about me as I know Chris and Ashley feel about Liam? Or if they ever did? And if they did why didn't they tell me? We were playing UNO and I was taking too long and Chris said, "c'mon, Liam's gonna grow pubic hair before you play your card," and I don't know, I think he slowed me down more with his comment. Heh. I had never really considered the fact that someday... in the not so distant future... Liam will grow up! He is going to talk to us and go to school and learn how to read and everything... he's going to grow up to be a real adult person. I love that kid... I would take a bullet for him, Ashley, Chris, Bill, Nick, Moser, Smeeth, Saul, quite a few people. More than that. |
| Sunday, September 30th, 2001 | |
| 6:10 pm | Liz Assesses her Ineffective Coping Strategies; Accepts the Fact that she is Very Snobby Man, Chris has been gone for 2 months :( I still miss him a shitload. I haven't talked to Bill in over a month... more like about a month and a half. I am begining to realize something about myself- I tend to use boyfriends as an emotional barrier between myself and Bill. Like protection so I won't have to talk to him I suppose. And so if he approaches me I can just say BOYFRIEND and he'll leave me alone. After Chris left, Bill started closing back in on me but I wasn't going to let that happen so I started hanging out with Saul, one of my old friends from before I met Bill. I stopped hanging out with Roger and Saul and everyone after I got raped by their friend, Josh. I thought they werent friends with him anymore, but apparently he still goes by there every now and then and I have glimpsed him twice in the past week. I really and truly could have done without seeing him for the duration of my life. I am not happy about this situation. I got fed up with my roomates playing house music all the time and basically stayed over with Saul for all of last month. That was a really stupid thing to do, obviously, and I'm back home now. While I was over there I felt very deprived of myself. It was like I hit the pause button on my own life to go and help someone else live theirs. I didn't like it. I wonder if that's because me and Saul don't really go together or if that's because I need to be alone a vast majority of the time because I am so introverted. Maybe a little of both. I do very much enjoy doing Tang Soo Do, writing graffiti and having metaphysical discussions with him, and in an ideal world that's all I would need, but there are things about me that are very important for my partner to share in I guess... like music. I can't listen to Tu Pac and Cash Money all day and all night. I will (and did) lose my mind. Sometimes I feel very shallow like I am a character on Sienfeld when I think I can't be with someone because of the music they listen to. Maybe I am just hard to get along with. I generally don't feel that this is true, though. I know I'm a snob about certain things and yet very open and liberal (maybe to a fault) about other things. I've always considered myself very open minded, but maybe I should reevaluate that. my snobby tendancies: - music (mass produced opiates such as pop music and music that breeds disrespect and hatred such as some new orleans rap [obviously this is not an all-inlusive list, and obviously there are exceptions in the genres I have listed]) - consumption of poisonous foods and drugs (caffeine, fried things, niccotine, alcohol, schwag weed, preservatives, perscription psychoactives etc.) - drama. (I don't give a shit who is fucking whom, and I get really sick of hearing about it) -politics (I am a libertarian, I don't want to see my friends die in some bullshit quasi-religious, hate-fueled war over some political revenge. Democrats and Republicans both need to question their motives for being in those parties. What's more important, your life or someone else's?) - over 1 million non-violent drug offenders shouldn't be clogging up our jails. (they are a drain on the economy, and since most of them are black it tips the vote. they didnt do anything wrong, they just sold some dope! marajuana prohibition should be repealed anyway!) These are other things that are not debatable: - how long i am taking to do something - math or numbers in any way - the fact that my parents mean well, but have a strong tendancy to be unreasonable and self-serving - the fact that I am growing dreadlocks (I don't care what your opinion is about them or how they look or how much better I look(ed) now/before... I didn't do it to be more attractive, and it's none of your business anyway) wow that's a lot of snobbery. I think maybe I would chill out a lot if I had some damn weed to smoke... they could at LEAST legalize MEDICAL marajuana. God. My intestines have been hurting. Fuck! Its not fair! Why do I have to have this disease? Auuugghhhh! Anyway, ok, I miss Chris and Nick and John. I want to go see them for Thanksgiving. I need to go by the student travel place tomorrow and see how cheaply I can fly out there and back. I would leave on Tuesday the 20, the first flight out from New Orleans to Portland at 1am or something like that. The only reason I wouldn't take the whole week off and leave the previous Friday afternoon and is because I have a goddamn choir performance that Monday night (the 19) at the centroplex that prolly won't end till 9 or 10 at night. Ugh. Oh well, that's life. I also need to go by junior division and drop english and art history. And I think I am going to get some hair and nail vitamins and start eating macrobiotic this week. We will have purity control. Heh. People who love me: Mom Dad Allan Sam Alie Chris Nick John Me JR Deb Dougie Toad Ashley Chris Liam Poppa Angela My thoughts are very disorganized... I am headed off to the Tarver-que. Hah! |
| Tuesday, July 31st, 2001 | |
| 3:50 pm | I love Chris, Serious Life Mistakes Averted, and my "To Do" List. Chris, Nick, and Moser left for Portland yesterday. I am feeling sad and lonely. I woke up this morning and thought about calling Chris to see if he had to work today or not and if he wanted to chill, but then I remembered why I didn't know whether or not he had to work- because he moved thousands of miles away yesterday- and thought about just staying in bed for the rest of the day. I had to pee though, so I got up to do that and while I was in the bathroom I brushed my teeth, so now I'm up. My intestines hurt. This blows. Today I wish I could go and lounge all day with Chris, tickling and laughing and kissing and smoking bowls and listening to ragga. I have perfected the art of lounging... I plan for my new apartment to be like one big lounge space, and Chris is invited down whenever he has time off school. It is really maddening to think that I wasted so much time being scared to tell him how I felt, when really we both already knew how we felt about each other. He seems to have an easier time running away from his feelings than I do- but then, he's never been in love before. He reminds me of myself before I fell in love for the first time- selfish and immature, but also full of caring and love with no receptacle. What hurts the most about him leaving is that each time we were together we got a little bit closer... Sometimes a person's eyes are like a window into their heart, and you can see what's going on in there. I can look into his eyes and see him letting all those emotional barriers fall down, finally, and when he would tell me that he loves me I could *see* that. I miss him a lot. I'm scared too. I don't know what's going to happen when he gets up there... he might find some beautiful hippie girl and fall in love with her, and they might move to Canada together and live in the woods, happily ever after. Or worse, he could bring her down here. For the first time in my life I feel like I have found someone I love so much that I don't want to be with anyone else. I think I could wait the whole year just holding onto the memory of us together until he gets back and not date anyone else. That has NEVER happened to me before. I usually get bored and lonely pretty quick. But, for the first time in my life, I have a network of friends here that will support me and carry me through the tough shit. I feel so lucky I could cry but at the same time, the deep sadness of knowing I am going to be separated from the one I am in love with for a long time. I wish that was my only problem, but I have the added complexity of other people vying for my attentions. On the one hand I have Bill, whom I was with for 2 years, and whom is a mutual friend to both Chris and I, feeling very betrayed that Chris and I ever got together. Bill is hard to handle because he has borderline personality disorder and when he found out about us he attacked Chris with a baseball bat, but because I know about his condition and I am his best friend, I feel like I would be betraying him to not be his friend anymore. Its a bad catch 22 situation. He also expects that now Chris and I are not together anymore and that now he has another chance with me. I love Bill, but I don't want to be with him anymore in that way. And he is so persistent that its EXHAUSTING to say no over and over and over and he usually gets whatever he wants. Not to say that I do not consent in the end, but it is always with much regret and a feeling of ominous karma looming somewhere in the future. Trying to show Bill my reality- that I have moved on, even though I still love him with all my heart and will always be there as his friend- is impossible for him to comprehend, and it is a pain in my ass to try and convince him of this. He always reacts in some extreme manner, ending the friendship, attacking someone, hurting himself, etc. I wish he could just BE COOL. His nickname should be "Emotionally Volatile Bill" not "Hater Bill." Then on the other hand, I have Austin, my cousin Sara's friend, whom I hooked up with this spring when I went up to party with them for graduation. Austin is a really fucking cool guy. I guess I am just scared to get too close to him because he has cheated on so many of his girlfriends and I can't handle being hurt like that again. Bill cheated on me and that's enough. Another thing that bothers me about Austin is his loose association with the drug culture. Most people would think that by that statement I meant that I am bothered that he is associated, loosely, with drugs. What I meant, though, is just what I wrote. He is too loosely associated with the culture I was brought up into (not by my blood family, but by the only family that I've ever considered to be my real family- the rave kids, club kids, ghetto youth, MY KIDS.) I am not sure he understands how much a part of my life this culture is, and I'm not sure he can be trusted because he basically narced out his aunt's husband. That's frightening. He is also up for a government job as a Special Agent for the FBI! :o If he could narc a blood relation, he could narc anyone. As much as I like him, I'm not sure I can be friends with a narc, much less continue a romantic relationship with one. Shit. How am I supposed to feel comfortable showing him around Baton Rouge and New Orleans, introducing him to my friends, etc., when I know I could be placing them in danger. Fuck that. Unthinkable. Well I guess I only have the one problem then: Bill. Bill is creating another problem in my life, too. He doesn't want me to be roommates with J.R. because we were once romantically involved. I told him not to be ridiculous, first of all there is NO chance of J.R. and I ever getting back together, and second of all, he is the best roommate I could ever hope for- he knows how to clean up after himself, he loves to cook and can do it well, and he knows the difference between party time and study time and keeps a balance! He is also super responsible and will always have rent. I'm glad I'm writing all this down, because it is really giving me perspective into my own life. I feel like had I not written my true feelings out I might have made some really serious mistakes. I might have: - slept with someone else, even though I am totally in love with Chris - let a narc into my life, my home, or my friend's homes to wreak government havoc - listened to Bill and ended up having to deal with a bad roommate choice for the semester or longer - let Bill get under my skin and start controlling my life again God, I'm glad I listened to my need to write things down. I was over talking to Travis last night and it's made me think seriously about changing the way I eat. I might go macrobiotic. I am going to do the following today: - go to the health food store - call J.R. - go pick up Lea and look for an apartment - call Kendal and see if she wants to skate tonight I also need to: - dye my hair back so I can get a damn job - make some money around the house so I can go visit Chris and everybody in Portland and Toad and everybody in Memphis before the semester starts - make a road trip to New Orleans to chill with Poppa and Angela before the semester starts |