Sarah's Journal

Time:	1:59 am.
Mood:	horny.
Music:	Smile Empty Soul - "Bottom of the Bottle".

Well, I have nothing else to do so I thought I'd write. Does anyone ever read this thing? I don't think so but let me know if you do cuz there's no point in putting anything in here if no one reads it except me. I already know my own thoughts I don't need to read them. Let's see, what's new with me? I got promoted. Whoop-dee-doo. I now make 6.50 an hour. Another whoop-dee-doo. Umm...I think I accidentally turned into a whore. I had a threesome *devilish smile*. I never would have done that if I hadn't been so drunk. That won't happen again though, since Joe and I aren't having an open relationship anymore. Not that we'll be having much of a relationship at all anymore. What in the hell does it mean when your boyfriend tells you "when the time comes" he's gonna break up with you to screw around with some other girls to make sure you're the one for him? I'm confused. I'm sure he's not ready to settle down and we've already talked about this a million times. That's what the open relationship thing was for but then he decided he didn't want that. I don't get it. oh well. As the saying goes, "if you love someone, let them go, if they come back, it's true love" or something to that effect. Anyway. What else is new? I'll finally be getting my liscense October 1st. Yay. I hope I pass driving my mom's damn manual. I think I finally completely quit weed. I still smoke, but not much. I still drink too, but not much. Ugh I'm tired. I work all the damn time, and I always gotta close so I don't get done until 1 in the morning. Grr. I can't wait until school starts, I won't be closing as much. Wow I can't believe I just said I can't wait until school starts. I take that back. Okay I'm leaving now. I'll update again in another year or so.

Comments: 12 Hugs - Hug me!.

Time:

5:22 pm.

Shiendown - "Fly From the Inside"

Here's the weight of the world on my shoulders
Here's the weight of the world on my shoulders
On my shoulders

Chain (x2)

All alone I pierce the chain
And all in all the sting remains
And dying eyes consume me now
The voice inside screams out loud

I am focused on what I am after
The key to the next open chapter

'Cause I found a way to steal the sun from the sky
Long live that day that I decided to fly from the inside

Every day a new deception
Pick your scene and take direction
And all in all I search to connect
But I don't wear a mask and I have refrets

I am focused on what I am after
The key to the next open chapter

'Cause I found a way to steal the sun from the sky
Long live that day that I decided to fly from the inside

I can't escape the pain
I can't control the rage
Sometimes I think that I'm gonna go insane
I'm not against what's right
I'm not for what's wrong
I'm just making my way and I'm gone

Here's the weight of the world on my shoulders

'Cause I found a way to steal the sun from the sky
Long live that day that I decided to fly from the inside (x2)

Comments: Hug me!.

Subject:	This song speaks to me...
Time:	5:34 pm.

Last night I got high with Marshall, Dave (Dave didn't smoke tho), and Rob...This song came on the radio and suddenly everyone was silent, all of us bobbing our heads...and I really listened to it for the first time.

Eminem - "Lose Yourself"
Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-one moment
Would you capture it, or just let it slip...?

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's choking, how everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, times up over blow!

Snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity
Oh there goes Rabbit, he choked
He's so mad, but won't give up that easy, no
He won't have it, he knows his whole back city's ropes
It don't matter, he's dope
He knows that, but he's broke
He's so stacked that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lab again yo
This whole rap shit
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment you own it
You better never let it go ho
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo (x2)

The soul's escaping, through this hole that's gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me king, as we move toward a
New world order
A normal life is boring, but superstardom's close to post mortar
It only grows harder, only grows hotter
He blows us all over these hoes is all on him
Coast to coast shows, he's known as the globetrotter
Lonely roads, God only knows
He's grown farther from home, he's no father
He goes home and barely knows his own daughter
But hold your nose cuz here goes the cold water
His hoes don't want him no mo', he's cold product
They moved on to the next schmoe who flows
He nose dove and sold nada
So the soap opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it's old potna, but the beat goes on
Da da dum da dum dada

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment you own it
You better never let it go ho
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo (x2)

No more games, I'ma change what you call rage
Tear this motherfuckin roof off like 2 dogs caged
I was playin' in the beginning, the mood all changed
I been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage
But I kept rhymin' and stepwriting the next cypher
Best believe somebody's paying the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the fact
That I can't get by with my 9 to 5
And I can't provide the right type of life for my family
Cuz man, these goddamn food stamps don't buy diapers
And it's no movie, there's no Mekhi Phifer, this is my life
And these times are so hard and it's getting even harder
Tryin' to feed and water my seed, plus
See dishonor caught up between being a father and a prima donna
Baby mama drama's screaming on and
Too much for me to wanna
Stay in one spot, another jam or not
Has gotten me to the point, I'm like a snail
I've got to formulate a plot 'fore I end up in jail or shot
Success is my only mother fuckin' option, failure's not
Mom, I love you, but this trail has got to go'I cannot grow old in Salem's lot
So here I go is my shot
Feet fail me not cuz this may be the only opportunity that I got

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment you own it
You better never let it go ho
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo (x2)

You can do anything you set your mind to, man...

Comments: 3 Hugs - Hug me!.

Subject:	Larissa gave me the disturbed CD :)
Time:	9:05 pm.

Be sure to read the last one, it's what I want from Joe for my birthday. I want a baby so bad, but I know I can't have one...and I also know it won't solve anything...

Disturbed - "Prayer"

Another dream that will never come true
Just to compliment your sorrow
Another life that I've taken from you
A gift to add on to your pain and suffering
Another truth you can never believe
Has crippled you completely
All the cries you're beginning to hear
Trapped in your mind, and the sound is deafening

Let me elighten you
This is the way I pray

Living just isn't hard enough
Burn me alive, inside
Living my life's not hard enough
Take everything away

Another nightmare about to come true
Will manifest tomorrow
Another love that I've taken from you
Lost in time, on the edge of suffering
Another taste of the evil I breed
Will level you completely
Bring to life everything that you fear
Live in the dark, and the world is threatening

Let me enlighten you
This is the way I pray

Living just isn't hard enough
Burn me alive inside
Living my life's not hard anough
Take everything away

Return to me
Leave me no one
Turn to me
Return to me
Cast aside

You've made me turn away

Living just isn't hard anough
Burn me alive inside
Living my life's not hard anough
Take everything from you

Living just isn't hard anough
Burn me alive inside
Living my life's not hard anough
Take everything away

Disturbed - "Remember"

Sensation washes over me
I can't describe it
Pain I felt so long ago
I don't remember
Tear a hole so I can see my devastation
Feelings from so long ago
I don't remember

Holding on, to let them know
What's given to me (given to me)
To hide behind
The mask this time
And try to believe

Blind your eyes to what you see
You can't embrace it
Leave it well enough alone
And don't remember
Cut your pride and watch it bleed
You can't deny it
Pain you know you can't ignore
I don't remember

Holding on, to let them know
What's given to me (given to me)
To hide behind the mask this time
And try
To believe

If I can
Remember
To know this will
Conquer me
If I can
Just walk alone
And try to escape
Into me

[Sensation washes over me
I can't describe it
Pain I felt so long ago
I don't remember]

Holding on to let them know
What's given to me (given to me)
To hide behind the mask this time
And try to believe

If I can remember
To know this will
Conquer me
If I can
Just walk alone
And try to escape
Into me

I wanna sing this one to joe...

Disturbed - "Intoxication"
Now you tell me you like it
You tell me you want it
You're mine
And you don't need another one
Come on and tell me you like it
Tell me you want it
You're mine
And another one to me (all x2)
And the world will get you high...

What can you take from me
That which you cannot buy
Exhileration
Laughing and turning away
What will you take from me
Now that you are inside
Intoxication
Now are you feeling
Enough to villify what I love
To sanctify all I hate
Endowed with the need
To carry over the life I lead
Intoxicating

Comments: 3 Hugs - Hug me!.

Time:	8:11 pm.
Mood:	blah.
Music:	er, duh, the beatles?.

School's back again, back to the same old routine. Dance tonight. I should be excited. But it's 8:30, moms not home, I dunno what's going on. I was supposed to go to the football game at 7 but i didn't. I'm waiting for mom to get home so I can get a ride. But I guess it looks like I'll be riding my bike. Grr. Clock just turned to 8:31. The actual dance starts at 9. I'm starting to feel like just going to bed and saying fuck it. I gotta work at 8 tomorrow anyway. heh. I just lit a piece of paper on fire. I blew it out, but its still smoking and it's sitting under the computer, making it look all smoky. cool shit. speaking of smoke, i need one. peace. oh yeah, this song reminds me of joe's dad a bit...

Eminem...

These ideas are nightmares to white parents
Whose worst fear is a child with dyed hair and who likes earrings
Like whatever they say has no bearing, it's so scary in a house that allows no swearing
To see him walking around with his headphones blaring
Alone in his own zone, cold and he don't care
He's a problem child
And what bothers him all comes out, when he talks about
His fuckin' dad walkin' out
'Cause he just hates him so bad that he blocks him out
If he ever saw him again he'd probably knock him out
His thoughts are whacked, he's mad so he's talkin' back
Talkin' black, brainwashed from rock and rap
He sags his pants, do-rags and a stocking cap
His step-father hit him, so he socked him back, and broke his nose
His house is a broken home, there's no control, he just lets his emotions go...

[CHORUS]
(c'mon), sing with me, (sing), sing for the years
(sing it), sing for the laughter, sing for the tears (c'mon)
Sing it with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away...

Entertainment is changin', intertwinin' with gangsta's
In the land of the killers, a singer's mind is a sanctum
Holy or unholy, only have one homie
Only this gun, lonely 'cause don't anyone know me
Yet everybody just feels like they can relate, I guess words are a mothafucka they can be great
Or they can degrate, or even worse they can teach hate
It's like these kids hang on every single statement we make
Like they worship us, plus all the stores ship us platinum
Now how the fuck did this metamorphosis happen
From standin' on corners and parches just rappin'
To having a fortune, no more kissin' ass
But then these critics crucify you, journalists try to burn you
Fans turn on you, attorneys all want a turn at you
To get they hands on every dime you have, they want you to lose your mind every time you mad
So they can try to make you out to look like a loose cannon
Any dispute won't hesitate to produce handguns
That's why these prosecutors wanna convict me, strictly just to get me off of these streets quickly
But all they kids be listenin' to me religiously, so I'm signin' CD's while police fingerprint me
They're for the judge's daughter but his grudge is against me
If I'm such a fuckin' menace, this shit doesn't make sense B
It's all political, if my music is literal, and I'm a criminal, how the fuck can I raise a little girl
I couldn't, I wouldn't be fit to, you're full of shit too, Guerrera, that was a fist that hit you...

[CHORUS]

They say music can alter moods and talk to you
Well can it load a gun up for you, and cock it too
Well if it can, then the next time you assault a dude
Just tell the judge it was my fault and I'll get sued
See what these kids do is hear about us totin' pistols
And they want to get one 'cause they think the shit's cool
Not knowin' we really just protectin' ourselves, we entertainers
Of course the shit's affectin' our sales, you ignoramus
But music is reflection of self, we just explain it, and then we get our checks in the mail
It's fucked up ain't it
How we can come from practically nothing to being able to have any fuckin' think that we wanted
That's why we sing for these kids, who don't have a thing
Except for a dream, and a fuckin' rap magazine
Who post pin-up pictures on their walls all day long
Idolize they favorite rappers and know all their songs
Or for anyone who's ever been through shit in their lives
'Til they sit and they cry at night wishin' they'd die
Till they throw on a rap record and they sit and they vibe
We're nothin' to you but we're the fuckin' shit in they eyes
That's why we seize the moment try to freeze it and own it, squeeze it and hold it
'Cause we consider these minutes golden
And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone
Just let our spirits live on, through our lyrics that you hear in our songs and we can...

[CHORUS x2]

Comments: 8 Hugs - Hug me!.

Time:

11:08 pm.

Tool - "If You Could Only See"
(I changed all the "hers" to "his" and all the "she's" to "he's"

If you could only see the way he loves me
Maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue his eyes can be when he says
When he says he loves me

Well you got your reasons
And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations
They cut me down to size
Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't

If you could only see the way he loves me
Maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue his eyes can be when he says
When he says he loves me

Seems the road less traveled
Shows happiness unraveled
And you gotta take a little dirt
To keep what you love
That's what you gotta do
Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't

You're stretching out your arms to something
That's just not there
Give your heart when you can

If you could only see the way he loves me
Maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue his eyes can be when he says
When he says he loves me

Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't
Sayin' you love where you stand
Give your heart when you can

If you could only see the way he loves me
Maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue his eyes can be when he says
When he says he loves me

Tonic - "Soldier's Daughter"

It's the way he looks at you
That says to me
This isn't over
From the outside looking in
You see there's nothing sacred here
Nothing sacred
You can bend
But you can't break

For the reasons out of our control
You try to make it roll
Like a dice away
But you say that you're all empowered here
This is obviously not clear enough to me
You can bend
But you can't break

Hey little girl keep dancing
Hey little girl keep dancing alone
'Cause there's not enough time in your day
To keep you here

The soldier's daughter
Did your daddy
Did your daddy hurt you
Did he make you feel bad
Did he poison your views
With the water he was raised on
Oh your father's son says hang on
Hang on

Hey little girl keep dancing
Hey little girl keep dancing alone
'Cause there's not enough time in your life
To stay here

So over the hills he'd climb
Just to see her there in time
Just to watch the sun shine through her dress
The sweet soldier's daughter
The sweet soldier's daughter

Comments: Hug me!.

Time:

11:31 pm.

2Pac - "Brenda's got a Baby"

Brenda's got a baby (x2)

I hear Brenda's got a baby
Well, Brenda's barely got a brain
A damn shame
The girl can hardly spell her name
(That's not her problem, that's up to Brenda's family)
Well let me show you how it affects the whole community
Now Brenda never really knew her moms and her dad was a junky
Went in debt to his arms, it's sad
'Cause I bet Brenda doesn't even know
Just 'cause you're in the ghetto doesn't mean you can't grow
But oh, that's a thought, my own revelation
Do whatever it takes to resist the temptation
Brenda got herself a boyfriend
Her boyfriend was her cousin, now let's watch the joy end
She tried to hide her pregnancy from her family
Who really didn't care to see, or give a damn if she
Went out and had a church of kids
As long as when the check came they got first dibs
Now Brenda's belly is gettin' bigger
But no one seems to notice any change in her figure
She's 12 years old and she's having a baby
In love with the molester, whose sexin' her crazy
And yet also thinks that he'll be with her forever
And dreams of a world with the two of them are together, whatever
He left her and she had the baby solo, she had it on the bathroom floor
And didn't know so, she didn't know, what to throw away and what to keep
She wrapped the baby up and thew him in the trash heap
I guess she thought she'd get away
Wouldn't hear the cries
She didn't realize
How much the little baby had her eyes
Now the baby's in the trash heap ballin'
Momma can't help her, but it hurts to hear her calling
Brenda wants to run away
Momma say, you makin' me lose pay, the social workers here everyday
Now Brenda's gotta make her own way
Can't go to her family, they won't let her stay
No money no babysitter, she couldn't keep a job
She tried to sell crack, but end up getting robbed
So now what's next, there ain't nothin' left to sell
So she sees sex as a way of leavin' hell
It's payin' the rent, so she really can't complain
Prostitute, found slain, and Brenda's her name, she's got a baby

Comments: Hug me!.

Time:

11:23 pm.

This song reminds me of a lot of things. Things that happened before Nick got locked up, reminds me of a few people...

Ja Rule - "Lost Little Girl"

It's a damn shame
Fuckin' shakin' that ass

[Chorus]
Lost little girl
I seen how love can turn to lust inside a
Lost little girl
I seen how pain can turn to trust within a
Lost little girl
She can get a man to do anything but she's a
Lost little girl
This sexy thing is only 17 and she's a
Lost little girl

I admit that I get a lot of love from women
It's only cause if I put that thug lovin' in them
As hard as I'm hitting
Gotta hit the club and bang out
Song after song 'til I end up in the wrong route
Tank top, sweat it out
She's shakin' that ass, shakin' that ass
And got her breast pressed to the glass
Strobe lights flashin'
That X is kickin in
And I'm orderin the chrissy open bottles of tin
On our stairway to heaven baby bring a friend
Putaya sayin', fuck in a stretch benz
You know me I like it wet, rode slowly
By the way baby, how old is you codie
You lookin' a little young to me
And how many you had that girl on, two or three
It's a damn shame
But she coulda had the world
And now she's nothing more than a

Lost little girl
I seen how love can turn to lust inside a
Lost little girl
I seen how pain can turn to trust within a
Lost little girl
She can get a man to do anything but she's a
Lost little girl
This sexy thing is only 17 and she's a
Lost little girl

Chill little girl put up in a world of confusion
Pop was abusin' one of God's children
Can't wait for losin' my soul is dead
And she's feelin' like her worth is between her legs
She start fucking niggas and learn to show'em respect
They a father figure she honor, love and protect
To your down ass bitch
One you could cuddle up and wile out with
We call it thug love
Hot sex and hard drugs was a thing of the past
But look here Murder Inc. nigga bringin' it back
We got them stressed strung out beatin' to be hung out
Cry in their crib backs when they say why
Would I get involved with niggaz
Involved with killaz
Involved with dealers
Involved with niggaz that make millions
She coulda had it all, including the world
Now she's nothing more than a

Lost little girl
I seen how love can turn to lust inside a
Lost little girl
I seen how pain can turn to trust within a
Lost little girl
She can get a man to do anything but she's a
Lost little girl
This sexy thing is only 17 and she's a
Lost little girl

She's in danger now, she ain't livin' her life right
She got a man but her mans livin' his own life
With his wife and kids
His crib in Bev Hills
The Benz that only spins on them chromy wheels
What has he done for you lately
Only remind you of when them times a little bit rider
A dick and he's crazy and will reminds us
And then he hit you with that one last promise
You want it to be the truth so bad
You lookin' in his eye and you're cryin', sayin' he ain't lyin'
But you know he is
But you're reluctant for punishment
And you know pain is love
So what's wrong with sufferin'
The hard times have past, the good times are "cummin'"
All over your chest baby that's how you're lovin' it
And it's sad cause you coulda had the world
Now you're nothin' but a

Lost little girl
I seen how love can turn to lust inside a
Lost little girl
I seen how pain can turn to trust within a
Lost little girl
She can get a man to do anything but she's a
Lost little girl
This sexy thing is only 17 and she's a
Lost little girl

Lost little girl (x7)

Stole this CD from Target today, along with the new Eminem CD. I used to have this Ja Rule CD but Ahsley's had it for a long ass time now so I figure she can just keep it. I also got some new pants, which I did actually buy, for 42 hard earned dollars. School's coming up soon. In a way, I'm looking forward to it. I want to prove to my mom I'm not the idiot she thinks I've turned into in the past year. On the other hand, I won't be able to work as much and my checks will go back to being $150 instead of $300. Of course, I turn 16 in a few months, and then I can work until close. I'm gonna try to put some money away before school starts (which will be difficult, considering I have to buy all of my own supplies and clothes) for driver's ed, and then as soon as I turn 16 and I start making more money from being able to close at BK (hopefully I'll also have a raise by then, which I've asked for and should be getting soon), I'll put more money away for a car and then after that it's all about saving for college. So I've got the next few years of my life planned out. After highschool I wanna think about getting a trailer or something for Joe and I (yes, I do truly believe we will be together that long). We've talked about it, and we'd go 50-50 on the rent and all. We'd each pay for our own car, to get to our jobs and shit. The sooner I move outta here, the better. My mom and I just can't seem to get along anymore at all. The less time we spend together, the better we get along and believe me, I try hard to make sure we don't have to say more than 10 words to each other throughout the day. The only thing I gotta figure out is what exactly I wanna go to college for. Writer, veterinarian, teen psychologist, editor. I'm thinking teen psychologist and then I can just free lance write on the side but damn you gotta go to college a long time for that shit. Plus, it would be damn hard for me to find a job. I dunno. Fuck it's too hard to think about that shit. I'm out.

Comments: Hug me!.

Time:

8:12 pm.

P.O.D. - "Masterpiece Conspiracy"

"Masterpiece Conspiracy"

Evil eyes behind their smiles
You swallow it up when sincerity lies
Lock me up, label me ??dangerous?+ files
Fear of the unknown, so scared of my style
Alert the press and address the states of emergency
We the crew you love to hate
First mistake, you were never ready
Dance with the dead, better be ten times more deadly
This is me, I'm always the same
Virus in the system, crash the mainframe
Uprise, now fall in line
Roll with the pack or get left behind

[chorus:]
"It's a Masterpiece Conspiracy"
I'd rather hear it from you than be lied to
Call it what it is like the heathens do
Red lights of betrayal, deceived again
Exposed by the light, true colors ascend
Take down the regime, break the trend
Bumrushed by your peers and your so-called friends
Keep your people tight, watch your enemies close
Trust what you know, soon enough they'll choke
Where were you when we started this thing?
You weren't around, this ain't yours to claim
You'll never take what's been given to us
Wipe that smile off your face and that look of disgust
Uprise, now fall in line
Roll with the pack, or get left behind

[chorus]

[bridge:]
Liar, deceiver, betrayer, back stabber

[chorus]

Comments: Hug me!.

Time:	8:11 pm.
Mood:	crazy.
Music:	P.O.D..

Feelings of depression, threatening to take over my soul once again. Well I won't let it happen again. All I have to say: FUCK YOU

Where is Joe? A question I am too often asking myself. Is he cheating on me? Does he even care about me, or am I just a piece of ass? 2 questions I ask myself every other minute.

Got the P.O.D. CD and the 2PAc CD with "Hail Mary" on it yesterday.

P.O.D. - "Thinking About Forever"

Tim goes by
And God knows I try to carry on with life
Decide not to hide feelings inside, even though they hurt
Sometimes, I forget to remember you
It's easy to lock away the pains, don't want to relive it through
But I stay strong, you taught me how to move on in this world
I married my sweetheart, even got a little baby girl
I wish you could see her, I swear she looks just like you
If you can hear me, show me a sign, please send her a butterfly or two

I'm thinking 'bout forever (thinking 'bout forever)
Missing you
I know you're so much better (I know you're so much better)
We made it through

Now I know what it means to live for someone else
To give up yourself
Things are changing, times get kinda strange
Your love remains the same
Do I make you proud? Mama, can you see me now?
Whatever's good in me is because you showed me how
To take love by the hand
And so now I can share you with my baby
So that she can understand

I'm thinking 'bout forever (thinking 'bout forever)
Missing you
I know you're so much better (I know you're so much better)
We made it through (x2)

I'm thinking 'bout forever (thinking 'bout forever)
Missing you
I'm tripping on whatever (hearing you)

P.O.D. -"Portrait"

P.O.D. LYRICS

"Portrait"

You're not who they say you are
They made you the enemy
(CHRIST-Jah flesh; CHRIST-Light within; CHRIST- Beginning and the end)
Taken something so beautiful
Painted a new picture that makes me sick
(CHRIST-Witness; CHRIST-Living one; CHRIST-First and the last)
Feed our minds confusion
Sweeten the taste of pollution.
(CHRIST-Word life; CHRIST-Resurrect; CHRIST-Everlasting Jah)

[chorus:]
Some people call you father
Maybe you could set me free
These people hate each other
But you've always been there for me

I refuse to be like you
Without life, caving in
(CHRIST-Jah flesh; CHRIST-Light within; CHRIST- Beginning and the end)
I surrender, giving up all that is me
Yielding to you
(CHRIST-Witness; CHRIST-Living one; CHRIST-First and the last)
Shape me in my brokeness
Empower me forever
(CHRIST-Word life; CHRIST-Resurrect; CHRIST-Everlasting Jah)

[chorus]

[outro:]
I know you will complete this work started in me
I need you more than ever now that I know who you are
I know you will complete this work started in me
I need you more than ever now that I've come so far

I had a weird dream last night...either I or someone close to me was dying, and I was at the hospital. I wonder if that dream means I'm dying? I wonder a lot of things. I wonder why I need Joe so bad? What if I didn't have Joe anymore, but I had someone else instead? If I had someone else, would I be happier or not? Am I even happy with Joe, when I have to wonder so much all the time? Am I going crazy?

Comments: Hug me!.

Time:

11:04 pm.

This one seems to be about killing yourself. I like it.

Korn - "Alone I Break"

Pick me up
Been bleeding too long
Right here, right now
I'll stop it somehow

I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a (wo)man?

Shut me off
I'm ready
Heart stops
I stand alone
Can't be my own

I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hiping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a (wo)man?

Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm hanging from?
Is there nothing more to come?
(Am I gonna leave this place?)
Is it always black in space?
Am I going take it's place?
Am I going to leave this race?
(Am I going to leave this race?)
I guess God's up in this place?
What is it that I've become?
Is there something more to come?
(More to come)

Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a (wo)man? (x2)

Comments: 1 Hug - Hug me!.

Time:

10:54 pm.

I especially like this song, it kinda describes me...

Korn - "Hating"
My life is such a waste
Begging on something to work this time
But why can't I relate?
Feeling all like who is scared?
What's mine
Holding on to faith
Never gave me nothing but despair
So why do I create just to be swallowed?

I can't take
(We have a star)
I can't take
(We got a fantasy)
Come what may
(We are the stars)
I can't wait
(I'll take what's mine)

Believing all this time, before a crowd could side
Believing all the basics of everything that I could find
Believing all this time, too far to cross the line
Believing all the basics of everything that I could find

I cannot leave this place
Burning up inside this space of mine
Why can't I replace feelings I find hard to really find?
I try but I can't taste
Memories they always fuck with me
So why do I create just to be swallowed?

I can't take
(We have a star)
I can't take
(We got a fantasy)
Come what may
(We are the stars)
I can't wait
(I'll take what's mine)

Believing all this time, before a crowd could side
Believing all the basics of everything that I could find
Believing all this time, too far to cross the line
Believing all the basics of everything that I could find

All my feelings have been eating all of me
Feed inside
Is there something wrong with me?

I can't take
We have a star
I can't take
We got a fantasy
Come what may
We are the stars
I can't wait
I'll take what's mine

Believing all this time, before a crowd could side
Believing all the basics of everything that I could find
Believing all this time, too far to cross the line
Believing all the basics of everything that I could find

Comments: Hug me!.

Time:

10:50 pm.

I'm starting to fall in love with this CD.

Korn - "Bottled Up"

It ain't fading
Man I got to let it out
Am I quitting?
Screaming nothing ever come out
I keep feeling lost
I'll never find my way out
I'm not thanking them
Unless the truth can pour out

Give me some courage
Beating me down the (?) sometime
Are you laughing at my body?
I hate and slide
I hate and slide

I take this time
To let out what's inside
Cause I will panic
Sometimes I wish you'd die
Full of sorrow
You may bestow my pride
And all this hate is bottled up inside

My heart is breaking
Man you really ripped it out
You take pleasure watching as I claw my way out

The hurt rising
Soon it's going to tear my soul out
It's not kosher feeling like I'm on my way out

Give me some courage
Beating me down the (?) sometime
Are you laughing at my body?
I hate and slide
I hate and slide

I'll take this time
To let out what's inside
Cause I will panic
Sometimes I wish you'd die
Full of sorrow
You may bestow my pride
And all this hate is bottled up inside

Feeling the haze as they cut down my spine
Peeling your flesh like the way you've cut mine
Do you feel happy you fucked up my mind
You're going to pay this time

I'll take this time
To let out what's inside
Cause I will panic
Sometimes I wish you'd die
Full of sorrow
You may bestow my pride
And all this hate is bottled up inside

Comments: Hug me!.

Time:	9:32 pm.
Music:	Eminem-Without me(dirty).

I like this song too...I dunno what's up with me and hip hop shit today...

"Without Me" - Eminem
[Intro - Obie Trice]
"Obie Trice. Real Name, No Gimmicks"

[Intro 1 x2]
Two trailer park girls go round the outside,
Round the outside, round the outside..

[Intro 2]
Guess who's back, back again
Shady's back, tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back,
Guess who's back. Guess who's back;

[Verse 1]
I created a monster, cuz nobody wants to
See Marshall no more they want Shady
I'm chopped liver
Well if you want Shady, then this is what I'll give ya
A little bit of weed mixed with some hard liquor
Some vodka that will jumpstart my heart quicker
Than a shock when I get shocked at the hospital
By the Doctor when I'm not cooperating
When I'm rocking the table while he's operating (hey)
You waited this long to stop debating
Cuz I'm back, I'm on the rag and ovulating
I know that you got a job Ms. Cheney
But your husband's heart problem is complicated
So the FCC won't let me be
Or let me be me so let me see
They tried to shut me down on MTV
But it feels so empty without me
So come on a dip, bum on your lips, fuck that
Cum on your lips and some on your tits
And get ready cuz this shits about to get heavy
I just settled all my lawsuits
Fuck you, Debbie!

[Chorus x2]
Now this looks like a job for me
So everybody just follow me
Cuz we need a little controversy
Cuz it feels so empty without me

[Verse 2]
Little hellions kids feeling rebellious
Embarrassed, their parents still listen to Elvis
They start feeling like prisoners helpless
'Til someone comes along on a mission and yells "BITCH"
A visionary, vision is scary, could start a revolution
Pollutin' the air waves a rebel
So let me just revel and bask
In the fact that I got everyone kissing my ass
And it's a disaster such a catastrophe
For you to see so damn much of my ass you ask for me
Well I'm back fix your bent antennae
Tune it in and then I'm gonna enter
Into the front of your skin like a splinter
The center of attention back for the winter
I'm interesting, the best thing since wrestling
Infesting in your kids ears and nesting
Testing, Attention please
Feel the tension soon as someone mentions me
Here's my 10 cents my 2 cents is free
A nuisance, who sent, you sent for me?

[Chorus x2]

[Verse 3]
A tisk-it a task-it
I go tit for tat with anybody who's talking this and that shit
Chris Kirkpatrick, you can get your ass kicked
Worse than them little Limp Bizkit bastards
And Moby, you can get stomped by Obie
You 36 year old bald headed fag blow me
You don't know me, you're too old
Let it go it's over, nobody listens to techno
Now let's go, just give me the signal
I'll be there with a whole list full of new unsults
I've been dope, suspenseful with a pencil
Ever since Prince turned himself into a symbol
But sometimes man it just seems
Everybody only wants to discuss me
So this must mean I'm disgusting
But it's just me I'm just obscene
Though I'm not the first king of controversy
I am the worst thing since Elvis Presley
To do Black Music so selfishly
And use it to get myself wealthy
Hey there's a concept that works
20 million other white rappers emerge
But no matter how many fish in the sea
It will be so empty without me...

[Chorus x2]

(Hum dee dai la la Hum dei dei la la; la la la)
(Hum dee dai la la Hum dei dei la la; la la la)

Comments: 7 Hugs - Hug me!.

Time:	9:01 pm.
Mood:	high.
Music:	2Pac, 2Pac, and more 2Pac.

Yay, we got our internet back. Goddamn I love this song. Too bad it skips like hell so you can only listen to the first half of the song.

"Hail Mary" - 2Pac feat. Kastro, Young Noble, Prince Ital

Makaveli in this... Killuminati, all through your body
The blow's like a 12 gauge shotty
Uhh, feel me!
And God said he should send his one begotten son
To lead the wild into the ways of the man
Follow me; eat my flesh, flesh and my flesh

Come with me, Hail Mary
Run quick see, what do we have here
Now, do you wanna ride or doe
La dadada, la la la la

I aint a killer but don't push me
Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to gettin' pussy
Picture paragraphs unloaded, wise words bein' quoted
Peeped the weakness the rap game and sewed it
Bow down, pray to God hopin' that he's listenin'
Seein niggaz comin for me, to my diamonds, when they glistening
Now pay attention, rest in peace father
I'm a ghost in these killin fields
Hail Mary catch me if I go, let's go deep inside
The solitary mind of a madman who screams in the dark
Evil lurks, enemies, see me flee
Activate my hate, let it break, to the flame
Set trip, empty out my clip, never stop to aim
Some say the game is all corrupted, fucked in this shit
Stuck, niggaz is lucky if we bust out this shit, plus
Mama told me never stop until I bust a nut
Fuck the world if they can't sdjust
It's just as well, Hail Mary

Come with me, Hail Mary
Run quick see, what do we have here
Now, do you wanna ride or die
La dadada, la la la la (x2)

Penetentiaries is packed with promise makers
Never realize the precious time the bitch niggaz is wastin
Institutionalized I lived my life a product made to crumble
But too hardened for a smile, we're too crazy to be gumble, we ballin'
Catch me father please, 'cause I'm fallin, in the liquor store
That's the Hennessy I hear ya callin, can I get some more?
Hail til I reach Hell, I ain't scared
Mama checkin in my bedroom, I ain't there
I got a head with now screws in it, what can I do
One life to live but I got nothin' to lose, just me and you
On a one way trip to prison, sellin' drugs
We all wrapped up in this livin' life as thugs
To my homeboys in Quentin Mac, doin' their bid
Rase hell to this real shit, and feel this
When they turn out the lights, I'll be down in the dark
Thuggin eternal through my heart, now Hail Mary nigga

Come with me, Hail mary nigga
Run quick see
What do we have here
Now, do you wanna ride or die
La dadada, la la la la (x2)

"Until the End of Time" - 2Pac
Perhaps I was addicted to the dark side
Somewhere inside my childhood I missed my heart die
And even though we both came from the same places
The money and the fame made us all change places
How could it be through the misery that came to pass
The hard times make a true friend afraid to ask, for currency
But you could run to me when you need me, I'll never leave
I just needed someone to believe in, as you can see
It's a small thang through and true
What could I do?
Real homies help ya get through
And coming new, he'd do the same thing if he could
Cuz in the hood true homies make you feel good
And half the time we be acting up call the cops
Bringing the cease to the peace that was on my block
It never stop, when my mama ask me will I change
I tell her yeah, but it's clear I'll always be the same
Until the end of time

[Chorus: RL]
So take these broken wings
I need your hands to come and heal me once again
(Until the end of time)
So I can fly away, until the end of time
Until the end of time
Until the end of time

[2Pac]
Please Lord forgive me for my life of sin
My hard stare seem to scare all my sister's kids
So you know I don't hang around the house much
this all night money making got me outta touch, shit
Ain't flashed a smile in a long while
And unexpected birth worst of the ghetto childs
My attitude got me walking solo
Ride out alone in my low-low
Watching the whole world move in slow-mo
For quiet times disappear listen to the ocean
Smoking Ports think my thoughts
Then it's back to coasting
Who can I trust in this cold world
My phony homey had a baby by my own girl
But I ain't trippin I'm a player I ain't sweating him
I sex his sister, had her mo' good like a Mexican
His next of kin, no remores it was meant to happen
Besides rappin ght eonly thing I did good was scapping
Until the end of time

[Chorus: RL]
So take these broken wings
I need your hands to come and heal me once again
(Until the end of time)
So I can fly away, until the end of time
Until the end of time
Until the end of time (x2)

[2Pac]
Now who's to say if I was right or wrong?
To live my life as an outlaw all along
Remain strong in this planet full of playa haters
They conversate but Death Row full of demonstrators
And in the end drinkin' Hennessy made all my enemies envy me
So cold when I flow eliminating easily
Fall to their knees, they plead for their right to breathe
While beggin me to keep the peace (haha)
Well I can see close into achieve
In times of danger don't freeze time to be a g
Follow my lead I supply everything you need
An ounce of game and the training to make a g
Remember me, as an outcast outlaw
Another album that's what I'm about, more
Gettin raw til the day I see my casket
Buried as a g while the whole world remembers me
Until the end of time

[Chorus: RL]
So take these broken wings
I need your hands to come and heal me once again
(Until the end of time)
So I can fly away, until the end of time
Until the end of time
Until the end of time

Comments: Hug me!.

Subject:	Nirvana happy :)
Time:	5:27 pm.
Mood:	I gotta pee.
Music:	Nirvana.

Nirvana - "Come As You Are"

Come, as you are, as you were
As I want you to be
As a friend
As an old enemy
Take your time, hurry up
The choice is yours
Don't be late
Take a rest, as a friend, as an old memory
Memory (x3)

Come, dowsed in mud, soaked in bleach
As I want you to be
As a trend
As a friend
As an old memory
Memory (x3)

And I swear that I don't have a gun
No, I don't have a gun (x2)

Memory (x4)
(Don't have a gun)

And I swear that I don't have a gun
No I don't have a gun (x4)
Memory, memory...

"Lithium"

I'm so happy, 'cause today I found my friends
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay
'Cause so are you
We've broke our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care
And I'm not scared
Light my candles
In a daze 'cause I've found God

Yeah (x13)

I shaved my head
And I'm not sad, and just maybe
I'm to blame for all I've heard
And I'm not sure
I'm so excited
I can't wait to meet you there
And I don't care
I'm so horny, but that's okay
My will is good

Yeah (x13)

I like it
I'm not gonna crack
I love you
I'm not gonna crack
I kill you
I'm not gonna crack (x2)

I'm so happy 'cause today I found my friends
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay
'Cause so are you
We've broke our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care
And I'm not scared
Light my candles
In a daze 'cause I've found God

Yeah (x13)

I like it
I'm not gonna crack
I miss you
I'm not gonna crack
I love you
I'm not gonna crack
I kill you
I'm not gonna crack (x2)

Comments: Hug me!.

Subject:	Drugs, drugs, and more drugs. I think after this I'll try X....
Time:	5:14 pm.
Mood:	calm.
Music:	Kids playing outside...I wish I could be like that again.

Hmm...I guess they were right all along, weed is the "gateway drug". I just told myself it wasn't even a drug and it's not that bad cuz it doesn't really fuck with your mind. Weed doesn't do much for me, so I'm trying something new. Crank. A form of methamphetamine. It's gonna happen Friday, and it's gonna cost me $20 to try it once. And it's probably gonna show up in my urine analysis which is gonna happen the 14th (I think?). Eh. If I don't pass, I'll be like, well, is it possible to get it in your system from 2nd hand smoke? I hate lying but shit, I dunno if I can deal with this shit anymore. The only thing keeping me going is me and Joe's relationship, which is still going strong. Whenever I have a doubt that I'll be able to get through something, I just tell myself I always have 2 last resorts, which are running away and killing myself. Running away would only solve things for a little while though, killing myself is permanent. Not that killing yourself really solves anything and I know that but the truth is, you wouldn't have to deal with the problems anymore so in a way, it does solve it for you. I'm not saying I'm gonna kill myself though. Does anybody know how long Crank stays in your system after you start to come down? I heard 3 days, which is half the reason I'm taking it cuz if that's true then I can take it all the time as long as I don't take it 3 days before a UA. Weed sucks cuz it stays in your system a month. That's a long ass time. Anyways. While I'm waiting for Joe to call to tell me whether he passed his permit test or not, I'm gonna go do more research on this drug I'm planning on doing and try to convince myself not to do it.

Comments: 2 Hugs - Hug me!.

Time:	7:33 pm.
Mood:	a mood I can't explain.
Music:	Eve 6 - Here's To The Night.

Here's one of my theme summer songs. It just reminds me of summer

"Here's to the Night" - Eve 6
So tonight
So I lied
Are you the now or never kind

In a day
Any day love
I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing
To be had
Are you cool with just tonight

Here's a toast
To all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Put your name
On the line
Along with place and time
Wanna stay
Not to go
I wanna ditch the logical

Here's a toast
To all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

All my time is forzen in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go (don't let me let you go)

Here's a toast
To all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
Too soon

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Comments: Hug me!.

LiveJournal for Sarah.

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