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...I stumbled into Village Station in my Coke-induced groggy state. Everything was such a blur to me. The slimy sidewalks, caked with puke and string confetti, nearly made me double over and get sick. The vibrations of Corona's "Rhythm of the Night" permeated everywhere... the walls vibrated, gay boys jumped up and down, and I got offered more than my share of trick cards on the way to the dance floor again. Just the sheer smell of another fag's overzealous use of cologne was just gonna make me hurl... I instinctively knew what I had to do. I had to be strong. I had to take a deep breath, focus my sights on Tony, and get the fuck out of dodge. I was a man on a mission. A gay man, no less, but I was still... on a mission... of sorts. Well, it was more of a manhunt. And... voila! There he was. In all his studly glory. Like a Brittanica Encyclopedia definition of 'Testosterone', Tony was the essence of everything I had ever dreamed about, prayed for, and dreamt for... in another man. His charismatic ways had definitely won me over. I had only known him for little less than 3 hours, and he had only had a very small conversation with me outside the club, and I was sure he was straight... yet... I had to meet him, get his number, make plans to hang, or... something! I walked up to him, high as a fucking kite off 2 hits of X and a few lines of coke, and I murmured... slowly... "Would you like to... dance?" Tony snarled at me, like a crazed animal in a cage at a zoo, and he took my hand and pulled me in and I couldn't help but stare into his golden gaze... like Brad Pitt with bigger eyes... and he pulled me in and kissed me and told me that if I were a girl, he'd fuck me. That was the start of a 2 1/2 year relationship that sent my life spiralling downward. Within a matter of months, I was wasted away in a bathroom floor at D/FW airport with Tony... I watched him shoot up and I always rejected the needle but instead, opted for my 6-7 lines in the morning to keep me going so we could do the job... selling drugs in three different states and, even at one point, selling my body! It was all too much. And I was so lucky to have been given the chance to turn my life around 3 years later (after being raped by Tony in a drugged state) and now I have been clean for 7 years and counting... God bless that... You see? You see what depths I used to go to in order to get 'scraps of love'? Scraps of Love is the term used by psychologist and life coach Rhonda Britten whenever people will do almost anything, whether realistic or unrealistically, in order to FEEL any kind of feelings of love, whether that be a very fleeting feeling or an unfulfilled feeling as a result of those uninformed actions. You would probably be amazed to know that almost everyone in this society has been to this point at some time in their lives... being willing to do ANYTHING to be liked, loved, like everyone else, or accepted in some group or forum. ...I used to hunt people down, date the wrong people... I would purposely go out to the clubs, look for a 'tall skinny blonde headed twink' and, whoa!, as it turns out, about 95 percent of the men who looked like that 10 years ago in gay clubs were drug dealers! So, in a very subconscious way, I kept seeking out the very same types of men. The types of guys who would control me, taunt me, the types of guys who looked better than me, were skinnier than me, who were 'flawless' in an almost sickening and frightening gay description of the word 'flawless.' And you know what I got? I got addicted to drugs for 4 years and even became a dealer within a year! Yes. And I nearly died from it. And all because of what? Because I wanted to be like... THEM. Just like the so-called 'flawless' pretty people. I wanted to be one of those skinny blonde headed guys down in the middle of the dance floor doing their lines of coke from those little cool vials around their necks. I wanted to be in the IN CROWD. Little did I know, the IN-CROWD meant selling my soul and doing things I had never imagined doing in my whole life on this planet Earth. I was willing to KILL MYSELF, little by little, piece by piece, in order to obtain these so called 'scraps of love', and in order to be felt, loved, and understood... by these so called 'pretty people', and now, when I look back, it sickens me. I always tell myself... would I change things? And the answer is almost always a very resounding... ABSOLUTELY NOT! That's because... I have this essential belief that EVERYTHING in your life HAPPENS FOR A REASON! While I am still a bit wary of the local club scene (mostly because of my past affiliations and people I have wronged over the years and my fear of confronting them NOW), I will NOT let any of this stand in my way to get what I want out of life... and that is... unconditional love and a closely knit circle of friends who truly care about me and love me. And if I happen to find the man of my dreams, well then, that's just icing on the cake! So yes, I am blessed to have gone through what I did. And we are blessed with a human ability to make the best of things and go with the flow and learn from wrongdoings in our past and it makes me happy to look back and see how much stronger I am now, how much more aware I am of the evils of the world, how much more trusting a person I am now after having gone through years of not trusting men and making bad choices... So, no..., I would NEVEr go back and change things. If I ever did, I would NOT be the person I am today. Of course, probably the greatest thing that has come from my turbulent rocky past is that I now want to dedicate my future career as a psychologist and or counselor for gay youth and gay couples all over the country to help improve their lives, be true to THEMSELVES, and focus on what's most important... the level of sincerity and love in their own hearts for themselves.The most important thing to myself right now in my life is being true to myself for who i REALLY am, embracing that, and moving forward. I know I have come a long way. I have changed so much in the past 13 years since I've been out. But the game isn't over yet. The best is yet to come! *B*
Current Mood:  thoughtful
Current Music: Book of Love - Pretty Boys and Pretty Girls
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*** Confession One: I love hairy latino or arabic guys with gorgeous macho legs. :-) Confession Two: I've never been to Disneyland, to the East Coast, or anywhere outside the U.S.! Confession Three: I once thought I was the reincarnated spirit of James Dean. Honestly! But who hasn't? Confession Four: One time, back in Junior High, I stole 6 vhs movies from Wal-Mart and blamed it on my poor geeky friend Jason! Confession Five: No. I'm not an Abercrombie whore. I just wore those fucking shirts for the BiK movies I made on here. Geesh! :-) Confession Six: My favorite food is a Cheeseburger with Cheese Fries at Snuffer's Bar & Grill in Dallas, TX... either that, or a Mocha Frappucino at Starbucks. I'm a huge Tex Mex whore, too. (Hey, I'm a cheap date!) Just ask Alex... lol. Confession Seven: I once bummed a cigarette from Deborah Harry (of Blondie fame) and she told me I had the most gorgeous eyes ever. ;-D I also told HER that my dad said he used to jack off to her Playboy centerfold pics! She actually blushed and nearly gagged on her cigarette! Hehe.. So, what are YOUR seven confessions? *B* Idea borrowed from ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20050204225411im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) fridgebuzz3's Journal.
Current Mood:  amused
Current Music: J Geils Band - Centerfold
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I walk a lonely road The only one that I have ever known Don't know where it goes But it's home to me and I walk alone I walk this empty street On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams Where the city sleeps and I'm the only one and I walk alone I walk alone I walk alone I walk alone I walk a... My shadow's the only one that walks beside me My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me 'Til then I walk alone Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah I'm walking down the line That divides me somewhere in my mind On the border line Of the edge and where I walk alone Read between the lines What's fucked up and everything's alright Check my vital signs To know I'm still alive and I walk alone I walk alone I walk alone I walk alone I walk a... My shadow's the only one that walks beside me My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me 'Til then I walk alone Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah Ah-ah, Ah-ah I walk alone I walk a... I walk this empty street On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams Where the city sleeps And I'm the only one and I walk a... My shadow's the only one that walks beside me My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me 'Til then I walk alone... Lyrics by Green Day (c) 2004. -B-
Current Mood:  blah
Current Music: Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
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my friends are like restless leaves in the winter who fall across the pavement without so much as a brushing sound... they topple and crackle and they sparkle and fade but no one hears me in the night when i've stopped coming around my life is one giant soap opera where no one gets what they dream of and everyone goes to sleep alone and everybody laughs at my bad jokes and they're secretly so miserable and they're secretly all so loveless and unknown my dreams are like paradoxes and little chinese puppets in big oblong boxes and nothing is ever the same when you are constantly reminded that life love and liberty is all just a game its all just a game and suddenly i have nothing to claim my love is like a giant jigsaw puzzle and isn't it strange how nobody but me can figure it all out will you just please try to listen just be yourself open your heart show me that i can trust... show me before i truly go bust show me.. show me tonight... ...show me... show me tonight. 1/3/05 1156 PM Mon BB.
Current Mood:  indescribable
Current Music: Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
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Still living... still waking... still sleeping... still giving... still breathing... love. Just got through working out. I've actually lost 4 pounds since I started working out about 3 weeks ago. I'm so happy! If I keep on track, I'll be very happy by Christmas. ;-D I keep challenging myself, upping the ante, and I think that's very important in ANY exercise routine. In essence, progress is good. Not sure what I'm gonna do tonight, but it had better be fun! No expectations, of course, but I INTEND to have fun. ;-D Any offers or suggestions??? Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my dad for a haircut sometime in the afternoon, then I have a maybe lunch date with Brenna. Haven't seen her in ages, so it'll be nice to catch up! I wonder if she'll notice the changes in me... no longer bitter... no longer telling 'my story' ... no longer letting the past dictate my future... how much more giving i am... how much more clear headed and stress free and giving... i wonder if she'll notice. those that don't aren't necessarily the enemy. in the past, if someone i thought was a friend truly wasn't, i would just toss them away. now, now that i am just getting to know who i truly am (by letting the past go) it is possible that if you thought you knew me then you only knew like 50 percent of the 'real me.' only a couple of friends truly ever knew the 'real me', and, not that it's a huge big selfish deal, but i wonder if brenna will notice... if she does or doesn't, it won't matter. whats important is that i am true to myself and to her and keep all options (and my heart) open. we have a shady past of not keeping in touch, etc, so i hope its pleasant. Not much more to say.. just keeping busy... I'm now on chapter 5 of Fearless Loving... "Dating is when you practice being you" ... its just so enlightening and encouraging to see actual physical progress in me each day as i progress slowly but truly through this body of self help... i am an open vessel for any postive reinforcement in myself and change. and the only one responsible for all of this is myself. i know that. i understand that. and i embrace that. going to do some grocery shopping now for something healthy. for once. ;-0 sometimes i think the old bitter me would not have lasted much longer than it was. so i am very happy to be living my life stress free, open minded, non-judgmental, unconditional, and expectation free. i am, in essence, becoming what i eventually hope to one day attract in someone else. which i am very excited about. and i am realizing that focusing on yourself isn't selfish. i am realizing that loving yourself MOST and more than anyone else isn't selfish. its a basic fundemental need! and i am just now realizing this.. and it feels good... and it is always getting better... school is on the horizon. progress is under way. everything is fine, everything is great, everything is getting better. and i can't wait to get there. alright... time to download porn! :-D (i guess some things never change. hehe.) *B*
Current Mood:  rejuvenated
Current Music: Talk Talk - Time It's Time
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Enough is enough is enough is enough... President Bush's policies against terror have taken on an entirely new twisted course. Each day, when I receive my email in my inbox, I receive a new headline news story from USAToday, each of which says something along the lines of "today, 24 people were killed..." or "This morning, 100 people were wounded, 30 perished..." and on and on and on. This has been going on for the better part of a year now. I just can't take it anymore. I now have 200 such emails in my 'news' inbox!!! (from the past 6 months alone!) If that isn't proof enough of a living nightmare, I don't know what is... I am now ASHAMED to be an American.. all because of some corrupt American policies overseas, regarding 'the so called combating of terrorism.' If being an American means being at least globally responsible for the wrong doings of an administration gone awry, I will not take part in it. If being an American means that all of Europe sees Americans, generally, as arrogant self-centered illogical warmongering extremists, I will NOT TAKE PART IN IT!! What America needs to understand, as we go into this election year, is that AMERICA is NOT the WORLD'S POLICE! We are NOT going to be safer off by ridding the world of unpopular dictators who, in no way shape or form, harm us as a country. Saddam Hussein was NOT harboring weapons of mass destruction, nor had he the capability of producing such materials. WHAT AMERICANS NEED TO UNDERSTAND is... just take a look at our past... and what Robert F. Kennedy believed during the Vietnam war, and up until his assasination in 1969. He DIED trying to salvage what little was left of american ideals, mores and philosophy of freedom... and he DIED trying to avenge what cruel unpaved path that America was being led down at that time by President Johnson. I believe that this country has NOT learned its lessons from Vietnam. Not until those born with silver spoons in their mouths and those who make money hand over FIST from this war are in some way replaced in the government, will AMERICA be FREE from this SO CALLED POLITICAL TYRANNY that is the REPUBLICAN PARTY. We need to act fast... we need to ACT NOW... we need to make a CHANGE FOR AMERICA.. and the only way of doing that is by replacing President Bush with President Kerry in November... So.. read up on your history books, boys and girls.. the choice is obvious.. either you re-elect George Bush and we go down that same weary unwinnable path that Johnson led us down as a country, or you elect Kerry, and make your vote count, and make this country change... This war is not right... Killing innocent Iraqi civilians and countless American lives in the middle east is NOT RIGHT. What *IS RIGHT* is focusing on what is morally right, on what is truly unequivocally sound... and that is... attending to matters at home and defending this country from harm... harm caused by terrorists who have caused IRREFUTABLE HARM to our nation... such as Bin Laden and Al Queda... and where is Bin Laden? President Bush's juvenile attempts at 'capturing' him and 'stopping terrorism' has turned into a global crusade that eerily parallels McCarthyism in the 50's and 60's. We must STOP THIS. WE must STOP IT NOW. We cannot let our country go down this same evil road, this very same no-win path... that we've been down before... Please... in November... make a change... before it is TOO LATE... -B-
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Chumbawamba - Enough is Enough (Kick it Over)
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Previous 
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