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| Saturday - November 9th, 2002 |
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| After nearly 4 years, I just wrote a letter by hand. I forgot how interesting it feels to actually have to site there and contemplate the next sentence, the next phrase. With online journals / online writing ones thoughts tend to pour out much quicker because you are able to type the words you are thinking much faster than if you were trying to write them down. Of course anything you write online or via email goes through multiple revisions and such but the finished product lacks the actual spirit of having attempted to communicate with someone.
As to the letter I wrote - once again I am reaching out to some straight guy to see where the chips fall. I have noticed that I have a nasty habit of doing this. Not as though it actually matters much because I have learned to tailor things a bit before they get out of control...but it is still odd that I have this addiction to straight guys...especially really cute straight guys (you know, the only ones that aren't gay - the ones all the straight girls are looking for). Call it a sick addiction, a vice, what have you...take your cutest straight guy and compare him to the cutest gay guy you can find and there is no contest, the gay guy wins hands down...but still...there is this elusive quality that straight guys posses. I guess I like that quality - it's what draws me to the flame as it were.
What I should really do is just go downtown to some "exclusively" gay bars and run the circuit there...but I happen to really like the place where I have been meeting up with this guy and its close to home - which is a double bonus. Driving across the 520 bridge to get home at 2 in the morning is not exactly my idea of a good time. Anyway, more to come, I deliver the letter and this music CD I made for him tonight :)
Music:Blink 182 - Story of a Lonely Guy
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| Sunday - October 27th, 2002 |
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| It's Sunday afternoon. Interestingly enough, I find myself staring at my computer screen, imaging the limits of my mortality. Imagining things I could have done, things I should have done, but most importantly, things that I may yet be able to do. Self-analysis has always been something I have been good at. Being able to observe things and react, based upon my analysis of the situation, it has been a godsend.
As of late though, I find myself second guessing a lot. For some reason, the resolve I am so accustomed to having has faded a bit. This is troubling from several perspectives but most of all; it comes at the worst possible time. I am getting ready to interview for a few jobs that might actually pay well in this economy, I am highly interested in this guy I just met and I am juggling the prospects of my room-mate moving out. To me, its all sorts of messed up.
As I descend a bit deeper, I turn the music up a bit, crack open another beer and light a cigarette - my supposed reward for accepting to look at this part of myself and how it is affecting everything else in my life. As I think more on the subject, it is clear to me that I am lacking in resolve due to several factors...but how do I overcome the obstacles in place...that is the point beyond all this rambling. How do I overcome these particular obstacles without causing problems for myself or friends of mine?
In the end though, I suppose the best solution could be compared to climbing a ladder. I still have the ability to take a step forward...but what's to say that the rung I step upon will hold? What's to say that by moving forward I may limit my potential for overcoming my obstacles? What's to say that making a lateral move, across several different paths, may not be the solution? What's to say repositioning the ladder all-together is not the definitive answer? It is upon these thoughts I will meditate.
Music:Stone Sour - Bother
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| Tuesday - October 15th, 2002 |
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| The dreams have been coming with increased frequency. Last night, for example, I found myself dreaming about someone seemingly lost to me. Different choices, different paths, different insight and who knows, we might have actually come together in both surprising and unique ways.
As for the dream itself, it was one of those startlingly realistic visions that we all have once in a while. I can vividly remember interacting with others, the various personalities present in the dream, and of course, the feelings...whether just a handshake or an out-right emotion - I could feel, literally, everything. The dream spanned several years and had various "scenes" as it were. The scenes seemed to revolve around several "true to life" themes: relationships, the military, and struggling to get to the top (among others). The relationship aspect was present in all of the scenes though and revolved continuously around the same person.
All-in-all, it is sufficient to say that the dream was so vivid that it will remain as a memory of mine for some time to come. I am not going to go into the details of the dream as doing so would, in a manner of speaking, detract from the satisfaction of the dream. I will meditate upon it though as having so many thoughts pass through my head that I can barley contain a grin indicates that its pretty important stuff.
I have often wondered if dreams portend some event that is going to occur in the near future or, rather, a culmination of events that have already happened. In my life, the previous seems to hold true a majority of the time - once in a while I will be standing there doing something and I will get a feeling of deja vu`. The first time it happened I was pretty tripped up by it but the more it happened the more I realized that the deja vu` feeling was a result of feelings that I was having that were related to a dream I had experienced. I am not entertaining the idea that we can tell our future by studying our dreams, rather, that we can understand where our future is leading us by reflecting upon the message present within our dreams.
As for this morning - everything is transpiring in a more upbeat and lively fashion, perhaps foreshadowing things to come. Let's hope so. As for this week: I need to get my live journal up and running and breathe some new life into it. I have been working with Macromedia Fireworks Mx - a truly awesome application. I have to say that, having been a long time Macromedia fan, it is always nice to work with new applications that they put out. They never surprise me with the additions they make to their core program. In the newest version they have reorganized the work space (making the interface more like Visual Studio) and have added a slew of new features (fade pixels, enhanced text editing, menu and navigation controls for web pages and more). I am not going to go so far as to write a review but it is sufficient to say that I will be using this version of fireworks in the very near future. Anyway, I have to get back to work, I will write a bit more later today.
Music:Portishead - Roads
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| Tuesday - May 21st, 2002 |
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| Ack...
I hate waiting around in the morning for interviews. I considered sleeping in but that option became irrelevant when I got up to answer the phone. Now I am sitting here, finding myself doing nothing. I am excited about my interview and all but sometimes it really sucks waiting around. I already have the questions memorized; I am ready to walk in and "soft sell" myself. I know I am qualified for the position I am interviewing for; but still...waiting around sucks.
I should go shower and use up some of the time...hahaha, funny, a song just came on...I remember this song, it was the one that was playing while a certain "Seattle boi" and I were making-out on my couch - that was a while ago though. I still miss him but not as much as I used to. It would seem that time erases feelings and thoughts, but not memories, never memories. Isn't that what Matt Damon said in The Legend of Bagger Vance, "memory cells, now those are damn hard cells to kill."
I agree.
Maybe I will cook some breakfast for myself...that or I will just sit here and read through the description of the position I am interviewing for 50,000 times. :)
Hahaha, I want to give you some good, good, lovin...what a silly song, I think we realized it was looping like two hours into things. Hahaha, I am such a dork sometimes.
Anyway, back to reality.
Music:ATB - Let U Go (Airplay Mix)
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| Friday - May 17th, 2002 |
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| oh yea...did I mention I was back in Seattle :) - I love it up here - LA boi's are cute but nothing like Seattle boi's |
| It's interesting how surrealism makes the spirit soar.
Of course the cute guy sitting next to me while I watched the latest Star Wars movie didn't help either :).
Our legs kept getting closer and closer - I thought to myself "yea...if only he hadn't brought his parents." It was one of those moments where I knew what I should have done...its not like I hadn't made my share of passes before the movie began...and it's not like he didn't make his share of passes either. Sometimes I wish I had a card - white - with my name and my number on it. It would have to have some sort of business class texture, just to show I was serious, but of course cards are so clich?' to begin with and why not just introduce myself...
It's terrible to be distracted while you are trying to watch a movie that you actually want to see. Distraction is good for the soul though. It re-invigorates you and makes you want to chase after that which you seek. I suppose this afternoon was good. Now I just have to get this guy out of my mind...problem is he is just my type - about my height, a little taller, black hair, slim, smooth body - all the right accessories...obviously a soccer player from his dress and the slight smell of the field and sweat on his body.
Ok...enough about "cute boy" - back to reality...if I could only describe the grin on my face...
I want to scream out and sort of just run out of my apartment, up and down the Sammamish trail - get it all out of my system and return to reality.
Christ I need to find a boyfriend.
Music:Tori Amos - Siren
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| Monday - May 13th, 2002 |
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| ack...sometimes I hate the default live journal themes...back to coffee and waking up I suppose...I havent updated my journal in a long time...I will have to think of more to write later...for now, at least the site is breathing...if only barely |
| Sunday - November 25th, 2001 |
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| LA in style...
wow, so i suppose its been a while since i updated my journal...i am officially moved into my new apartment in LA. i have actually been here for a couple of weeks now. how i love it...the view from my balcony at night is incredible. from the balcony the city just sort of loom's out in front of you...on a clear night the lights stretch for as far as the eye can see...in this particular part of LA, you always get the breeze from the ocean...just perfect...really nice.
life sort of passes by down here quicker then i am accustomed to. i am happier though...much happier. there is just something about living on my own...calling my own shots...i don't know...it brings me a great deal of satisfaction. that and for the first time i am away from my home, away from my family, away from my friends...its even more intense then serving in the military as being down here i have to rely solely upon myself...i have no excuses, no one who will save my ass if i screw up...its just me and what i make for myself...this is perhaps the best thing that has happened to me in quite some time.
i have been thinking about david a lot lately...how his father so coarsely asked me not to be involved in his life...he wouldn't even explain himself...only to say that he would prefer that i didn't contact david anymore...that i stay out of his life, that i not get involved with him any further. the worst part...the worst part is that i told him i would abide by his wishes...something that has brought me considerable grief over the course of the last several weeks. its foolish almost...how when i think of david i get this longing in the pit of my soul...this desire to roll over in bed at night to find him sleeping next to me...to lay there and watch him breath...to run my hand through his hair...
the simple things in life...these are the things that bring you the most joy but can also cause you the most regret
my doc and i once spoke about love versus obsession...for a long time i had to debate whether i was in love with david or obsessed...then it occurred to me one day...i have never been obsessive about anything. impulsive, manipulative, inquisitive, curious...all of these things...but never obsessive...never have i obsessed over anything...being gay only speaks further to show that i was and am very much in love with him...and the problem is that for me, he was and is the one i would marry...any good catholic knows that once you give your heart away you never take it back...and perhaps that is the problem...i gave my heart to someone who will never be able to reciprocate the love i gave them.
perhaps that's why it never stops...but for now...well, for now i at least have the view...and perhaps that will be enough to tide me over until i can find a way to purge myself of it all. how do you purge something that you no longer own...how do you take back something that you gave freely...how does one recapture love in their heart when they have already given their love to another?
i wonder when the memory of david will stop haunting me...perhaps it will be one of those things that never goes away...one of those things that i will carry with me for the rest of my life.
well, until i have an answer to that...hahaha, this is seattle boi signing out for the evening...
Frieden und Liebe |
| Monday - October 8th, 2001 |
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| la...
tonight i stepped onto a plane and choose to cross a bridge of sorts, across a stream, to a pasture that i have been thinking about journeying to for quite some time. i am officially in los angeles for what may very well be the foreseeable future. i am sitting in a hotel room now, listening to music, thinking about what my past has taught me, thinking about where i am currently at and wondering about what the future holds.
i am thankful and owe gratitude to a couple of my friends who both indirectly and directly supported this move...its not one that i think i would have supported being put in their position...but somehow they know me better then that...as with how i feel about it all, i think they recognized that this is the path i must walk for now...where the path will lead me and how long it will take me to finish walking the path, only time will tell...but i know that someday i will be able to return home, to the place that would dare rain for me on the way to the airport, the place that would dare to forever forge within my mind the essence of somewhere i can call home...my home, seattle.
and what has seattle taught me...words alone cannot describe the range of lessons i have learned while living in seattle. i have learned that i am not as strong as i thought...or perhaps stronger then i ever imagined...just a bit misguided. i have learned that there is something more out there...something more which can be attained if one only has the guts to reach out and grab it...i have learned that love has its price...and that sometimes that price is more then a person can pay...i have learned that love is fallible...not in essence, only in direction...i have learned that true sacrifice...is walking away...and not looking back...not shedding a tear or remising...but simply stepping forward...and this applies to a multitude of situations...but as in taking that first step...i am now in la...and those situation are now in my past...for better or worse. for eternity or only for a short time...they are in my past now...and will bother me no more...
i regret only my unfinished business...and to that, there is much...relationships that ceased to exists, relationships that were put on hold and a life i abruptly ended in order to pursue my own goals according to my own ambition.
and the price...the price was high...so high i didn't think i had the strength to follow through with it...but on the drive to the airport...i noticed something...i noticed i was grinning again...and it is a grin that i have not known for a long time...my true grin if you will...that grin one has when playing a game of chess and moving the final piece to complete a check-mate...only not a check-mate on another, not in this situation...no, in this situation, i have check-mated my destiny...and sure...there is a price for that as well...but for once, i will decide my own fate...and in doing so...perhaps i will find what it is i am looking for.
as the cab drove me to my hotel...as i rolled my window down and breathed the nights air...i felt reassurance...i felt as though the city was welcoming me...letting me know that, at least for now, i am a welcome guest...it is time though...time to make decisions and follow through with them...time to finish what i set out to accomplish long ago...to bring all of the pieces of myself back together and to become one person again....one person who is able to look at life, at life's challenges and overcome them...
it is to this purpose i dedicate myself...
and to all you fucks, well...i will see you soon. sooner then you think. time waits for no man, but time waits for me...because i demand that of it. (grins)
Music:Trevor Jones - Promentory
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| Wednesday - October 3rd, 2001 |
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| and hence my dilemma...
la? seattle? changing jobs, leaving this place i call home...
the obvious benefits of la - freedom - at last. and in my mind i see myself there...i see myself getting toned up, becoming surfer boy, living in a nice place...taking care of myself...i see a future for myself that is intense...watching the surf come in at night...playing on the beech...watching the sunset...passions of mine that reach deeper and go farther than anything I know...
i see myself with bleach blonde hair from the sun...i see myself smiling again...i see real opportunity...the opportunity to enjoy life while i am still young...while i am still able to live life to its fullest...
to stay in seattle...to stay in seattle means that i must take on more responsibility...and sure...it means increased pay...it means benefits and moving up the corporate ladder one more notch...either way its an incredible dilemma...there are any number of things i could choose to do...any number of options...from program management to senior level networking architecture to development...but are these things i truly desire...are these things that i need in my life...
its funny...i think of michael...of how he has decided to change his life...because he chooses to exist in a slightly different fashion...i think about him giving up his car and his job and a lot of the things he has so he can go to college...so he can fulfill a true aspiration of his...
for me...i see la...i see the surf, i see a life i left a long time ago...i see myself rediscovering the child within...i see an opportunity to make a decision for myself for the first time in my life...and its one intense decision...trade money and power for freedom and a life...a true life...a life with minimal stress and opportunities that i can define for myself...
the koolest part of it all...i can not only afford but i can afford it and enjoy it all at the same time...i can have the apartment that over looks the beech from one side and overlooks the city at night on the other...with what measured success i have so far in life...i can have these things for myself and i can have so much more...
as always...the question comes down to sacrifice...i suppose in the morning i will come to realize the true nature of sacrifice...tomorrow is when all the aces come back together...its when everything gets put in its place and when i discover the finality of what all of my options truly are...
still...the funny thing about the pacific you know - it has no memory...and perhaps that is just what i need...
Music:NIN- A Warm Place
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| Monday - October 1st, 2001 |
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| if you dare...
today was tough. of course I had been warned of this...given a 300 page book several months back which I would devour, line by line, over the course of 36 hours. a book explaining in stunning detail the tragic consequences of living a life such as my own. a life which I will have to see through until the bitter end...to such an end I choose to speak only in riddles, I choose to make references to things unknown and things I would rather not talk about...a single book which would foretell and dictate my future from that very point onward...what a predicament I find myself in...to think there are those in my life who insist that I can continue living a normal life...normal is the exact opposite of what my life has become...normal is Sunday mass and a house in the country, children running around out back, playing on the trampoline, mothers in the kitchen , cooking Sunday brunch, fathers in the front-room, watching the Sunday game, making idle conversation.
and yet I would choose the high rise apartment, with the solace of the balcony, dim lights, a fire place, soft music playing in the background and the view...the view of the city at night...in all its glory...the gentle breeze
stunningly, over half of the people in my position commit suicide...that's not to say that I will...only that with each passing day I am beginning to understand why those who are like me would be put in such a position...when one becomes dependent upon society to bring stasis to ones very existence...it is then that one comes to understand the nature of society itself. we are a very self-serving society...not arrogant, not defiant, not pious, no, no, we are guilty of a far more insidious crime...a crime dictated onto ourselves by ourselves...we are a society which is self-serving...a society which exists only to perpetuate itself and its own ideologies...
how you ask? how is this so...how can this be? it is so because we make it such. because within each of us is rooted a desire and an ambition born of our upbringing...an upbringing in a society in which we were all allowed to develop into our own free person...and this would be fine...this would be the very utopia one would seek for themselves if one truly had freedom...sadly though, our sense of freedom has been perverted and classified and defined by scholars, sages, priests and politicians...by psychiatrists and doctors, by lawyers, lobbyists and anarchists...the very instruments of society which we rely upon to continue our existence in as sensible of a manner as possible...
and it is not miserable...in so far as I am able to contradict myself...in so far as john woodworth would have commented this out and insisted that I choose one path or the other...for me the path has always been far more intense...I have had the liberty to walk a variety of paths...all at the same time...and I have tasted the fruits of each and discovered the foul rankness to which there are certain repercussions that await one, waiting in the shadows of the night...hiding from the morning sun...waiting, patiently and intently...I have walked these paths...I walk them still. only in the shadows or in the morning sun...I suppose this has yet to be determined.
sometimes I wonder if this is punishment...for choosing poorly...for ignoring my calling...for walking a path that I had been isolated from for so many years?and as the days go on...as the nights become colder...as fall comes and winter sets in...I know this one thing...I know that with my sobriety there has come a silence...between me and my own thoughts...between me and my father...where once there was passion and inspiration...where once I sought him out, now there exists only a calmness...I suppose the answer is simple enough...one is carried when one can not walk...but when one chooses not to walk, one is dropped and waited for atop the next hill...across the valley, just beyond the horizon. is this my next destination on the path I now walk? I suppose only time will tell...and that's the funny thing about time...as a society we can not dictate time...it is the one law that we can not control, we can not take back, we can not start anew...it simply exists...and defies our every ambition.
of this we can be certain. but to time...to time I have only this to say...I do not yet have my high rise apartment...with the balcony, the dim lights, soft music, fireplace and the gentle breeze at night, overlooking the city. I am not finished...and I refuse to sit idle and await what may come...I will walk forward...to find whatever may await me atop the next hill, across the valley and beyond the horizon. I will live life with the passion and intensity that I know exists, that I have experienced, that I wish to share with others...and I will not give up hope...hope for myself, for us, for each of us...hope that there is more.
-mph
Music:david lanz - pure moods iii
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| Tuesday - September 25th, 2001 |
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| wow...so...how does one follow up and entry like the last one?
tonight's playlist is composed of a few of my favorites:
kt oslin come on a my house (unreleased)
case - missing you - the mike rizzo remix (also unreleased)
dee dee - forever (original extended mix)
fragma - you are alive
and the best one
digital allies - without you
nice...very nice indeed...
so tomorrow i am taking two mcse test back to back...i know...everyone says that the mcse is on its way out...that everyone you meet now days is just a paper mcse and that it really doesn't count...what's funny is that i would debate that...i think employers can recognize the difference between paper mcse's and actual it guys...guys who love the industry...guys who have worked their way up the chain...actually have the combination of book work and experience to have gone down and taken their mcse exams...and more over...to have passed them...the difference is in the resume...you can spot paper mcse's by their resumes...whereas it guys...well...they only walk into your office once in a while...and when one does...you better be prepared to offer cash, incentives and a nice bonus package...as i am finding out for myself in my pseudo management position...real it guys are hard to find...and even harder to keep.
as for me...i am going to be proud to have my mcse...it will be a culmination of sorts for me...it will signify all of the hard work and effort that it has taken to change myself from what i was into who i am...in total, once my mcse exam is finished, i will have over 30 industry certifications...certifications i will take against any college kid anywhere...certifications that will get me where i want to be...allow me to live my youth like a god and cash in on my future with a ba in business so i can become a cio when i am like 40...and as for college...that's something i am going to put off until i am ready to handle the responsibly...keeping up with the industry is hard enough right now...college is something that will come when i am on the extreme end of the management scale making 100+ and have time in the evenings to devote to pure studying...hahaha...what better to have a real it guy, with all his certs and a ba in business to head your companies information technology program...in fact...to top that all off...i think i want to work for IBM...big blue...the master company...it would be one hell of a ride...i mean working for big blue must be one intense endeavor...90 billion revenue in their services business for last year alone...
that's what i am talking about...
anyway...enough about all that...i guess i am just nervous so it helps to type...these are tough tests...and seeing as how i am not an mcse yet i have to vent a little to get it all off my chest...as to life...well...right now life is pretty good. i have a lot of things i am working on...some side projects designing web pages for a company down in arizona...i have a bunch of new friends...i have an old friend who is coming back into my life...and of course my family...i cant wait to see them...i think the soonest will be around thanksgiving time but i might actually be able to swing down and see my grand parents and aunt m towards the end of October...i don't know yet...they may all be bailing for their homes in tuscon...they are such snow birds...who knows...if they are around i will have to say hello...if not i think i will drive down south and catch a few buddies of mine in the boise area for a while...that or maybe i will just stick it out with lukas up at his pad for my entire vacation...
that seems to be what's on my mind most right now...lukas...my eternal companion...the one guy in my life who traded spots with me...just for a moment mind you...and in trading discovered something entirely unexpected...something compelling...i still wonder what he sees in me...what it could possibly be that keeps brining us back together...i wonder if i will find out...i wonder if this whole situation is a prelude towards something i have overlooked...but something that should not have been.
oh...yea...and what all this is about is i am taking a week and a half vacation and traveling over to moscow idaho to hook up with him for his birthday...hahaha...its going to be a blast...i can feel it...but i also feel a yearning...and its not my own...what's funny is i actually feel as though its his...but a yearning for what...
i love that about soul mates...how you can come together for such brief moments in time and yet those moments can serve to extend the value within your life by infinite proportions...ahhh...and then of course there is cory...i read in his e-mail what he says...but most importantly what he does not say...
what he eludes to...that precious and seductive trap laid out in front of me...waiting...waiting for me to fall back into his folds...waiting for me to become owned by him again...what's funny is we are almost identical...except he has mastery over me...and he knows it...what i give him i will never understand...all i understand is that its something that he needs...and what to do about that...i miss him as he misses me...and it is just as intense for us both...i wonder though if i should contact him...if i should allow myself to be lead back down his path, to lay back into his fold again...or if i should remain silent...if my silence will bring about his true self...if in that silence he will realize himself for what he is and in doing so will come back into my life...
ahh...the thoughts of a mad man...what lives we lead...what choices we make...what a price we must pay for simple desire... |
| Monday - September 24th, 2001 |
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| "and as i sat there, taking measured breaths, looking around me, at the fake wood paneling on the walls, at the dust on the window seal, the curtains stained from the nicotine and crack residue...as my eyes gazed at the hole's knocked into the walls hollow shell in fits of crank rages...i realized something...i realized that this was not my life...i looked down at myself, at my clothes drenched in sweat from working all night, stocking the shelves of the local grocery store...i wiped the sweat from my brow...i looked over at my duffel bags and realized that my life had to change...i realized that right there...and right then...i realized that the person i was and the person who i am were at odds...there was a struggle being fought inside my very soul...a struggle of immense proportions...the intrinsic nature of complacency versus the hope that one day i would escape my destiny once and for all, that i would be able to break the bonds of protecting myself by using the people around me to shelter me from what i was scared of most - myself."
in retrospect, i have my mother to thank, more than any one person in this world, for having the courage to pack my stuff up that day and leave a bit of my history behind me. i have her to thank for sheltering me from the worst of all possible choices i could have made. the choice to be complacent. the choice to not choose. the choice to blind myself to the opportunity and incredible nature of success that my ambition would bring to me.
"i gassed up before i left town. as i was gassing up i turned and looked back down the street i had just traveled down and, even in that short moment, saw the streets, the houses, the brown lawns, the cracks in the sidewalk, i saw them for what they were...empty dreams that had never came to be. as my gas tank filled up and a bit of gasoline splashed outward from the nozzle to the ground...my attention was drawn to the small puddle of gasoline that had formed and, oddly enough, therein lay the answer to so many of the questions going through my mind. i watched the gasoline...as it evaporated from the very spot it had landed...as all that was left was a silhouetted mark of where it had first impacted the cement..."
all things come to pass...and even in their passing there remains a "silhouette" that one can never escape. in subsequent visits back to that place...to that town that i now hate so very much...there is always the silhouette of a time passed...of a different place and a different moment where i was a different person. today, today i am thankful just for that...for the fact that in walking forward i carry within me the very shades of the different silhouettes present in my past...today they serve only to remind me that i made the right decision...that the battle was worth fighting...that i am making it...that nothing will stop me.
of course...then again...these could just be the ragging thoughts of a mad man...a man who is, within everything he has accomplished for himself, lonely and distraught. yes...ambition does have its price...and the price is just that...the things that lie behind you, that push you forward...those things you can never choose to leave behind...it remains, for better or worse...and it is within the ambiance of the past meeting the future that you find yourself in the present.
interesting where i find myself today...interesting that you can choose for yourself whatever you will but sometimes, others choose things for you...things that you can not change...things that you must only accept.
tonight the song...the songs..., possession, no ordinary love, missing you, and the one from lukas...i hope you dance...these songs are what keep me going...they push me forward and help me to remember what it is i am after...and to all those people...who think that i should give myself up to some pre-ordained lifestyle...they are foolish in their thoughts...when i meet you...when i meet you i hope you dance. i hope you smile when you stand beside the ocean...i hope you understand what faith means...faith in the future, faith in the present, but most importantly , faith in what could be, faith in yourself...it is when you lose that faith...it is then that you lose everything.
hahahaha...lukas, you bitch...i hope you dance.
Music:Leann Womack - I Hope You Dance
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| Thursday - September 20th, 2001 |
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| in?tense - adjective
1. Possessing or displaying a distinctive feature to an extreme degree: the intense sun of the tropics.
2. Extreme in degree, strength, or size: intense heat.
3. Involving or showing strain or extreme effort: intense concentration.
4. a. Deeply felt; profound: intense emotion. b. Tending to feel deeply: an intense writer.
I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love
I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love
Didn't I tell you
What I believe
Did somebody say that
A love like that won't last
Didn't I give you
All that I've got to give baby
I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love
I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love
I keep crying
I keep trying for you
There's nothing like you and I baby
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
When you came my way
You brightened every day
With your sweet smile
Didn't I tell you
What I believe
Did somebody say that
A love like that won't last
Didn't I give you
All that I've got to give baby
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
I keep crying
I keep trying for you
There's nothing like you and I baby
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
Keep trying for you
Keep crying for you
Keep flying for you
Keep flying I'm falling
I'm falling
Keep trying for you
Keep crying for you
Keep flying for you
Keep flying for you I'm falling
I'm falling
the ramblings of a boy who is helplessly in love
going against everything inside of ones soul because one is afraid to lose all that one has...this is the extent of my struggle. as i recall...everything started with a song...when we couldn't talk we listened to music, when we couldn't listen to music we stared into one anothers eyes. my heart and soul and my mind tell me nothing has changed. what to do...an eternal struggle that wages within the very essences that is me on a daily basis.
one song is worth more then a thousand words...a thousand words can not possibly describe the nature of emotions that a song can inspire within ones heart.
</>i have been single for six months
so have i
Keep trying for you
Keep crying for you
Keep flying for you
Keep flying for you I'm falling
I'm falling
somewhere along the line we forgot that one of us was supposed to catch the other.
never in my life have i been as confused as i am right now.
Music:Sade - No Ordinary Love
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| Monday - September 3rd, 2001 |
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| Sunday night...well...technically i guess its Monday morning (grins)
i am still in LA...no bitches though...i have had a good time down here. i went out with the office crew on Friday night and showed off a bit on the dance floor...of course dirty dancing with the office manager probably wasn't one of the wisest things i have done...but hey, if i ever decide to move down here than i suppose it increases my chances of getting my apartment paid for on the company :)
tonight i have my mind on a lot of different things...most importantly though, finding the one for me. it seems so difficult...i know its not impossible or anything...its just a matter of having patience and not getting discouraged. a lot of times i get caught up in dwelling on former lovers...on things that i did wrong...things i could have done to change the out come of things...whats funny is for me...it seems as though i was never the one who wanted to end things...not really.
with david...with david there was nothing but pure intensity...he and i knew one another inside and out...so well in fact that it became damaging for us both...on our good days...we were beautiful together...not to mention the fact that david was an angle in his own right...one of the most perfect of people you could ever possibly hope to meet...we used to call him sunshine boy...it seemed as though everything he touched turned to gold...except for with me...with me...we shared something more...everything that we shared was pure emotion. what passed between us is the stuff of dreams...we actually shared those late nights that turned into mornings...mornings that turned into evenings...evenings that turned back into mornings...and mornings that ended the weekend with the alarm going off, brining us back into reality...time to go to work...and the weekend...the weekend may have well been only a collection of moments...moments that never existed...only they did...they did exist...and they showed me only one thing...that intensity does exist...that two people can share it...in all of its forms...i took from david more pain, more happiness and a greater understanding of the depths two people can share then i knew existed. the worst part...with david anyway...david and i never stopped existing...he was simply taken from me...a simple accident...choices that were made for him as opposed to choices he was allowed to make on his own...and with that...he and i were irrevocably separated...i don't know that i will ever forgive his mother for her treachery...and for what has happened to him as a result...he still exists...and we still share everything that we once did...but now it exists only in brief moments...when we are in a room together alone...when our eyes meet...when we are close to one another and he reaches out for me...of course then he looks away or we get interrupted by someone...afraid to be who he is meant to be...afraid of us...and what we once were...everything is lost between us...what exists now exists only across the horizon...some nights it is unbearable...so close that i could almost reach out and touch it...so far away that i will never again be able to.
of course then there was michael...the one person who i can never be bitter about...the one person who i can never be angry at or harbor any type of grudge against...the one person who didn't love me. the worst part about michael was that he was perfect for me. he encompassed all that i ever wanted in another. he was (and is) brilliant, enthusiastic, constant seeking out the greater good in things...he had little idiosyncrasies that i just adored...and he could handle the romantics...that and they actually meant something to him...michael was beautiful...i remember him so vividly in my mind...standing outside looking at me from the other side of his car...always with that one expression on his face...as though he was wondering why it was that i was standing there, with him...the worst part about michael was the way that it ended...it ended without an ending...there was no fight...no misunderstanding...he just told me that he didn't love me...he didn't feel that way about me...for months i refused to accept that...i refused to understand that someone could just be like that...i mean, throughout my whole life, i have been a people person, i have always been able to sense others feelings...and not once...not once was i able to see something like this manifest within him...perhaps that is the problem though...perhaps i was blinded by my love for him to such a degree that i could no longer see what was going on between us...perhaps i lead myself down a path that ended in he and i never being able to be part of one anothers life again...with michael i have only one thing left within me...true regret. regret that he was not the one. i would change that in an instance if it were possible.
and lets not forget the straight boys i have fallen in love with...cory and LA Boy...both perfect for me in their own ways...cory...sheer intensity...the cords of his guitar sent me spiraling down a staircase towards falling hopelessly in love with him, one string at a time. LA Boy...hahaha, well, LA Boy...he is just too kool...too much like the boy i am...straight from California...he even has the good black car with the tinted windows and the tweeters in the door...hahahaha...I could write about cory and LA Boy for a long time...neither of them would approve though...so i wont...i will only say that i wont be falling in love with anymore straight guys anytime soon...but that if either of them ever realizes they are gay that i will be the first in line for a date. :)
so i am left in an interesting position...i have placed an ad which has gotten me three very unique responses...one euro asian type worldly boy, one theater guy, and one mr anonymous guy who wrote me back letting me know that he was "what i was looking for." i find myself grining a bit...just at the dynamics of it all...any of them could be interesting...and even though I am going to follow up on euro-asian boy's letter, the one guy who wrote me back and told me he was the one for me actually intrigues me more...i guess i will have to see what comes of it all...bottom line...i am very excited about it all...if for no other reason then to get back into the dating mode and perhaps find someone with whom i can spend some quality time with...i miss that so much...its the worst when you have so much inside of yourself to share and you have no one to share it with...
the one thing i hope to find though...someone who actually has what it takes to pursue me...and i know that's asking a lot...but i know there is someone out there who has it in them...the capacity to explore me, unabated....david did, michael was scared by it, cory and LA Boy will only go so far...but there has to be someone...someone who can look inside, at all that i carry and harbor...and know...know that i am myself...nothing more, nothing less...but just that...the fact that i know who i am, that i have accepted who i am and that i am ready to share that with someone...
so, now its definitely Monday morning...hahaha...anyway, time to get to bed...it feels good to have gotten all this off my chest...it is going to feel even better to crawl into the sheets and snuggle up...perhaps my dreams will bring me peace...at least for tonight.
Music:enigma - why
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| Monday - August 27th, 2001 |
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| wow...so sometimes life really flies by and you don't even notice...
for instance, i spent the last two weeks revamping my companies LA office network infrastructure...it was intense...17 some days of non-stop work - setting up racks, installing new servers, migrating mail systems, backup systems, domain controllers...its funny, in the midst of all the security concerns related to Microsoft products i actually find that i have to thank uncle bill for making products that work together - seamlessly - without having to manually edit 100's of different text files and restarting services more times in an hour then there are minutes just to get 32 some servers working together. besides, i think the security hype is a bit over-zealous...everyone is too quick to forget why we all stopped using UNIX in the early 80's when everyone migrated to Netware...worms are just that, worms, a good worm can be written for any hole that can be found...all it takes is one or two lazy kids with nothing better to do...i hate that...because of a few stupid kids the entire world has to suffer...and there isn't really a point...i have heard it argued that "we are just trying to show the world the security problems with Microsoft products." like this is a valid argument - take any *NIX box and any NT box and set them up with default installations and see which one is the most vulnerable. the 1000 some known exploits for an NT server pale in comparison to the hundreds of thousands of known exploits for *NIX based system...and whats terrible...some of the exploits for *NIX systems have been around since 1976...and they still work! fucking kids.
anyway, now that i have sufficiently vented due to having to install a patch on every damn server that i manage, i can get on with talking about my LA trip... (grins)
i only got out to the beech once and i was only able to see one sunset...and a crappy one at that...behind some mountain range beyond the santa monica peer. i had an intense time though...i ended up making a few new friends and got to see a bit more of LA then i have the previous times i have visited. LA Boy and I walked from venice beach all the way up to the santa monica peer...that's like a six mile walk...it was worth it though...lots to see and do, plus all of the boi's out on the boardwalk...damn...what i wouldn't give to be able to just pick and choose...but then again...if one could pick and choose do you suppose it would take the fun out of it all?
i arrived back into town on Friday night. i spent the entire weekend just laying around the house trying to relax a bit...things are not quite finished and so i am going to end up flying back down tomorrow night to do some training, finish brining some of the infrastructure support systems online and then trying to clean the place up before i get to come back home on Sunday...whats funny is i might actually have to relocate to LA for a few months so i can train LA Boy and make sure everything runs smooth...we are right in the middle of our W2K transition and everything is going to get real hairy down there...but LA Boy is awesome...that and i think i have started down the road of having a really good friendship with him...alas, no sparks, but he will make an awesome friend...i can tell. plus i get to party down with the LA guys on Friday night as they are sending one of there own up here to work (which is kind of ironic)...
for now though...i better get some dinner...i have a lot to do to get ready to go back down tomorrow... |
| Saturday - August 11th, 2001 |
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| ahhh...Saturday afternoon, LA, the sun is shinning...the fog has all burnt off...it looks to be a glorious day.
Last night was an interesting experiece...I found myself in the city of angles with not a single angle willing to guide me along my path...fortunatly I am a Seattlelite...educated and schooled in the art of solitary actualization...no regretes, no harbored feelings...just acceptance that life takes on patterns of its own at times...I find this place to be only slightly different then when my mother, sister and I left it so long ago...there seems to be a higher level of refinement within the degrees of seperationg among people...everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives that self discovery and stepping out of ones comfort zone seem to be fleeting concepts if not concepts lost onto this culture all together...after all, this is LA...the one place on earth where you will find the widest spectrum and variation that diversity has to offer...sin, resentment, oppression, reward, elation, fortitude, discipline, arrogance, ignorance...yes, this is LA.
This is home.
Its hard to imagine that everytime I return to this city I find myself drawn back into the fold. More and More. Perhaps this evening will leave me better off...hopefully I will get some good pictures of the coast...hopefully Iwill be able to overcome the price one pays for being alone. |
| Thursday - August 9th, 2001 |
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| LA, LA, LA
i worked my ass off yesterday...I was working until 1a.m. this morning rewiring fiber channel lines...shit...for all of you out there who have no idea what it takes to rewire fiber channel connections and make it all work...hahaha...trust me here, you dont want to know...you dont want to have anything to do with it...just smile and say "no fucking way."
thousands of little strands of light, pulled through a small hole, tangeling around one another, lots of frustration, lots of anger, lots of taking a break for fear of going nuts :)
As to everything else...i am working hard yet having a blast...LA Boy and I have been having some intensive conversation...what a great guy...I really respect the way he carries himself, handles situations and puts up with a bit of my ignorance...this weekend we are hopefully going to head up highway one and find a kool beach somewhere where I can get a tan, take some pictures of the sun set and relax for a bit...i cant wait...its going to be awesome...
Of course, among all the work, all of the stuff going on, one thing has kinda been bothering me...i wrote douglas before I left for LA and he didnt write back...I wonder if he thought I was a freak or something :)...I am going to call him tomorrow and see what the heck he is up to...
Anyway...I am tired, waiting for the hotel to bring me up some food and then I am going to start a movie...after that...lights out until tomorrow...then its up bright and early to do it all over again...
god i love working in IT... |
| Tuesday - August 7th, 2001 |
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| ahhh...LA (grins)
Its funny actually...i was barely able to get everything put together this morning and hit to road in time to catch my flight. i spent all night last night out with Douglas...we had coffee, we had some more coffee and then we went out to dinner and spent the rest of the evening walking around capitol hill...it was awesome...i haven't had that enjoyable of an evening in a long, long time...
during the entire flight down, I couldn't help but wish i hadn't had to come down here so soon after meeting him...its not like i haven't been looking forward to the trip...it just that after meeting him i wish i could have gone out a couple more times before i had to take off for a couple of weeks...there was just something about him that sort of captivated me...i don't know if it was the way he could hold a conversation or his confident yet reserved manor...i don't know...there was just something about him that was awesome...
i suppose if its meant to be though then a week and a half or two weeks wont make much of a difference in the grand scheme of things...time will tell.
so, i took off from Seattle at 1:08, the flight down was awesome...no turbulence, no strange plane sounds that make you wonder if the whole damn thing is going to fall apart all around you...lol...it was just a good flight...that and I went for the $40 upgrade so I was able to sit in first class...come to think about it, i love first class...its one of the very few things anymore that i allow myself to splurge on...there is just something about the service and the space, actually being able to stretch your legs out...ok...so i know that's like all pathetic and everything but i love it...it makes the flights all that more bearable...
after landing in LA i had to wait around for luggage and all that...LAX is really bad in regards to luggage...what's funny though is that once everything started coming down the treadmills there was a bag that got stuck and was slowing everything down...the attendant dude stopped the treadmill, climbed up the conveyor belt thingy and slid the bag the rest of the way down...of course it had to be my bag...the one bag in the whole damn place that would get stuck and back everything else up :)
hahaha...everything after that was kool...i took a taxi to my hotel...they have been working on cleaning up a lot of LA and from what i can tell (since the last time i was here), they have made a lot of progress...that and the sky was actually clear...which is awesome...LA on an smoggy day really sucks but LA on a nice day is like ultimately awesome...
the taxi guy dropped me at my hotel...the place the company is staying me at is pretty kool...not as good as some of the places they have stayed me but good enough...it's clean (which is a must for me), the room is in good order and, best of all, i am on the seventh floor, overlooking Santa Monica.... (grins)...i don't know how I luck out so often but somehow i always manage to wide up with something that goes my way...
so, now i am sitting here...connected back to the Seattle office via the 800 number...its a shitty slow connection but it works...enough for me to chat with a few friends, download some tunes and update my journal...for tonight, that's enough...
I think i am going to go to bed early tonight...maybe not...that depends upon whether LA boy calls or not...but, i need to catch up on some sleep as I have tons of work to do over the next few days...perhaps i will update my journal a bit later...then again...perhaps i will be dead asleep :) |
| Monday - August 6th, 2001 |
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| little brett...god i love that kid sometimes...
brett is the network admin i hired to replace myself when i left Boise...he is like a totally kick ass guy...into all sorts of stuff...doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs...has an awesome personality...plus he has the neat little Honda crotch rocket that is colored orange and black...hahaha...i gota get down and see him sometime...in fact, there is a lot of unfished business i have back down in Boise...i need to get back and see a few of my friends...i need to make a trip up to the family cabin and chop some wood for my grand father...geez...i wish sometimes that a person could take a break from their life for a while...i suppose i could save up for a couple of months and take a leave of absence...but that's probably not a good idea with the current state of the economy and all...i might get back to work only to find my position eliminated...
so...today i was able to take it easy and relax...the code red virus was running havoc all over the world but all of our systems at work were patched so we haven't had any problems (aside from 500K log files from all of the pervasive scanning the worm does). this whole deal is something that really gets on my nerves. you know, you got half of the IT guys out there who are real IT guys...guys that actually work for a living...guys who build world wide network infrastructures...guys who know the technology and know how to use it...then you got all these damn kids who think hacking is something akin to evangelistic work...i mean you take just one of these kids who think they actually know something about technology and you sit them in the middle of a real NOC...where they are suddenly responsible for 7000+ servers running a wireless phone network...anything like that...these kids would hit the floor and pass out after their first 72 hours without sleep...hahaha...72 hours trying to find some way to script something or create a short cut which does their work for them...i would pay to see that...hell...i would pay a lot of money to see that...the sad part of it all is that these kids have no respect for the very technology they take advantage of...to think that being a hacker used to be a good thing...
...that's apparently my bitch for the day...this evening i am trying to get everything ready for my Tuesday departure to LA...i have a whole slew of stuff i am going to have to bring down...from CD's to tools...and of course clothes...i am going to LA after all...hopefully A&F; clothes are not out of fashion down there...hahaha...of course i do have some beach bum shorts and all that...i cant be going down to the beach looking like a tourist or anything...hell...that just wouldnt be proper... (grins)
and then there is coffee tomorrow :) I am pretty jazzed about the whole deal...i dont know where we are going or what we are doing yet but hopefully Mr. X and I will get everything figured out in the afternoon...that should give me enough time to drive home, hit the shower, get all prepped and all that (gota make a good impression after all...something about cute boys being something he should avoid...hmmm...might have to prove him wrong there)(grins)...come to think about it this is going to be pretty kool...as long as i dont get lost in downtown seattle trying to find the place :)
lol...rock on...anyway...time to hit the sack...gota get up early in the morning for work... |
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