Sunyuh's LiveJournal

Time:

9:31 pm.

ohhh i feel like i got three presents today. besides the fact that i tried to eat everything that i cooked today... and that it made me sick... i've had a good day. i watched all the korean videos that i could find in the household... every single one of them. there is this one drama with a girl who looks exactly like helen. and the guy that likes her, is HOT. HOT HOT HOT. so i fast forwarded to their parts only. i finished 3 videos that should've taken me 6 hours to watch in about... 4 hours? 2 hours of fast forwarding... the rest of it was boring. its a really bad habit. people wont want to watch movies with me if i keep this up... oh welly. =)

anyhow. as you know, john bought me a dress for my birthday. so hoorah. thats all that i'm ever going to wear... for the rset of my life. day and night. when i'm jogging or reading.. even in the shower... wait... maybe not =) but i'm gonna wear it everywhere else =) gift number one.

gift number two was my jogg today. beautiful. 45 mins of rain. light soft rain... and pretty skies. i think it was actually a fire, and there was a sunset in the direction. and it makes me terribly angry that i find beauty in this fire that probably ended up hurting people and buildings yet... i could not call it evil or ugly, ever. i wanted to take a picture of it. but i remembered what percy said, so i didn't. i didn't ruin the moment for me... i wasn't trying to capture it, ruining it forever... anyhow. while i thought of that, and while i was being mad at myself for thinking that something so destructive was beautiful... i thought of all the guys falling in love with a girls tears. i thought of how someone's pain could be someone else's art. and how someone could interpret pain into art, making it beautiful. probably just like the sky today. and the way girls look when they cry... soft tears. tears the fall one by one, into the guys hands... and how the sight of that is the saddest thing a guy has ever seen... and at the same time... the most beautiful. but beauty was never attended. and it makes me angry that we see things that way. but all in all, my run was amazing today. i had so much more endurance. i should go take a shower.

why isn't he calling me? i haven't talked to him ever since yesterday afternoon. it feels werid. because he's home, alone. and i'm at the house, alone. i hope he fell. haha just kidding... =)

anyhow. 3rd gift. my grandmother called today. i love to hear her voice, especially when she laughs. and i love the way... she doesn't make promises that she can't keep. i love the way she wants to come to see me. the way she knows i need her. some sort of figure to look at. the way she's nothing like mother.

i was just reading cat's journal... and in so many ways guys are so different from girls... "One of the unfortunate side effects of all this is that emotions are often forced aside by reason. Practicality is oh so boring. Acting on sensual impulses would make the world much more beautiful." -cat.

my response:
i think the idea of it is beautiful... and in dreams and in novels, in writing and art it works. but in reality, theres this thing called responsiblity, and babies.

and the pain of waking up... lonely the morning afterwards. maybe not for guys. the idea is perfect for guys.

because we live in a society where the terms, 'hoes' and 'sluts' exist, only for women (pratically) the idea only benefits men, that is if they do not care about STD's and death.

though in dreams and in novels... it works perfectly.

oops one more thing, in his novels, its like that one guy's girlfriend. MAN i can't remember his name right now... the one who never said anything about him sleeping around, the one who ending killing herself.

it hurts people. it kills people. because it should be sacred. doesn't something ever need to be sacred? the act of sleeping with whoever you want to, whenever you want to... takes away from everything that you could have oneday.

but thats just me probably. i want all of one. and not parts of many.

in some ways... not to put down cat. but guys are all the same. really. they are. i think girls only think of it like that because we are the one's in risk most of the time. actually, all of the time. even the STD's out there, WE are the ones more likely to contract them, WE are the ones who get cancer from them. Guys get a couple of bumps in weird places. i mean imagine. some guy, acting on whatever impluse he has with the tall,amazon-queen like stewardess from brazil or whatever. sleeps with her. She contracted gential warts from her bf, two months ago. he returns home, it becomes a 'beautiful memory' of his and proposes to his gf. they get married. so they do whatever married people do. (haha yeah right and 80% of seniors and 90% of everyone else) and two years later, she can't have kids. they've tried and tried, so they go to the doctor, and she has cervixical cancer and she is going to die. but wait a minute... wern't they both virgins when they got married? or they said... what the fuck just happened? why the hell does that fucken bastard who acts on impluses with beautiful ladies get to live, and his faithful wife gets to die.

wow. thats soo beautiful. the most deadly strands of gential warts, doesn't even have warts. the guy wont ever know, because he's never going have a fucken symtom. and no one thinks it'll happen to them.. or someone they know. how many of us would admit that we have an STD? its like 1/3 of sexually active (which is a lot) americans have some form of std.. thats, a lot.

so that sucks the beauty out of all the sexy rap videos and movies doesn't it. i mean, 1/3 of those people have icky diseases that will be passed onto you. even with oral sex. these diseases keep mutating.... and transforming... theres more and more every year. AND you might not know you have one until 2-7 or more years.

sorry i was preaching. i get really fired up. sex is such a movie, such a fucken video to people. people need to get reality. acting on impluses would be considered to be cheating... and the thing is, even in that novel, that guy knows its wrong. he knows it hurts people.. tahts why when he knew he really loved her, he stopped. and thats why she could never sleep with him or anyone else again, because it meant that much to her... it means so much more than a simple night. if it is all the beauty we think it is... than isn't it worth the wait? is beauty and passion, and anything great about getting it and doing it whenever and however we want to, with whoever we want to? is there no respect? no honor? is that love? then love is so cheap. so easy. that cannot be love... and what is love, and what is sacred(<--- cannot spell this word today). is nothing sacred? is life best when we can have anything, whenever? but i thought anything worth it takes time, patience, and hard work...

isn't that why we go to school? why the fuck do we sit around, reading books and taking tests? we want money, why don't we just... robb someone, or a bank? once again. all points of views that benefit MEN. and their tiny little minds (no offense john i adore you) but honestly... thats absurd.

there is no beauty in a single mothers pain. a brilliant girl who cannot go to college because she needs to work for her baby. because 90% of girls who get pregant do not go to college, and 80% of guys do not take responsiblity for their child. so fuck that shit with guys can take care of it... guys do jack. all fun, no pay. SERIOUS no pay. it would be GREAT, if girls could predict when they ovulate (which you pretty much CAN'T, you can get pregant even when your on yoru period) or if people would not fucking everyone at night clubs, bars, and prositutes so that we can stop the crazy rise in STD's but guess what... we don't want to. therefore men, stop dreaming and pull up your goddamn pants. you don't do shit for all the poor girls, who are suffering because of your damn impluse and lack of thought.

you know what i hate? who i hate the most... those christian boys... those church boys. praise team boys. those boys... their the worst... i still remember my friend (who i've lost touch with...) was raped by this guy, some star athelete, other stuff happened and she never wanted to trust a guy again... but she met a church boy. who was the worst. so many stories. too many real.

and all my fucken dance team friends who seem to believe that sex is a joke, something they must do because they are happy to share that moment with their boyfriends, to make them happy, while feeling nothing but pain. too many not on a birth control pill, or the shot. so many to believe in love... what the fuck does love have to do with all of that? than it is the opposite. it was not love. it was lust.

wow, i'm mad. i'm really angry. i just... it really is unfair. for girls. its so unfair. we are so abused, in so many ways...

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Time:

4:28 pm.

my heart doesn't beat like normal peoples... i don't know how to explain it...

you've asked me, why try on old clothes... packed clothes...

maybe thats the difference between you and i. you've packed... and i've wanted to pack. so i pretended once in a while, to gather my things, throw things away, put away old things... old habits. but it doesn't work that way for me. no one has told me that i can leave. and i never thought that it mattered... but it does. no one has given me the bags that i need, the garbage bags that i need, the cans that will take the trash away...

but somehow i'm suppose to pack. so i just pretend. to fold my clothes, and i move them around. i hide them, so that people really think that theres new things around... or i try to give them away... only to realize that it ends up with me again. because other people don't really know what to do with my old things.

i think thats the difference between you and i. and i think thats wonderful. this is in no way to say that you do not have your share of hardships, nor are you a different person to me. but you are a different person. the colors of your window has changed. and thats the truth. and why some things work out for some, and why some things don't work out for others... i'm not really sure... i stoped asking him 3 weeks ago... i don't hate him... i just don't know what to say. i can't accept what he tells me... i can't accept that people want me here... i can't accept that i'm not hurting the way its suppose to be hurting...

how i'm not feeling. that i'm not the emotional person i was. i think crying a lot was better to this. it seems like i'm fading away to somewhere... but i'm not really sure whats happening... all i know is that i wasn't like this. and that i didn't want it to be like this... and i don't know what to do... i don't. and i don't understand how everyone who knew what was going on, didn't understand. and i don't understand how he can always stand there... and remain so silent with me...

i think the thing is... i'm not even angry anymore. whatever happens, happens. just because things get better, doesn't mean i get better. just because things get worse, doesn't mean i get worse. its too late for things to get better or worse. i'm past that. i'm at a place where all i need is some time away. some time to breathe, sit, read, dance, run, sleep, write... learn new stuff... i just need some time. thats what i need. because i say it all the time... but i am truly tired.

i'm tired of them too. my insecurities about everything... how by poloar i am... how silent i am. how i can't even write about what i need to write about. there all secrets and mysterys. fucken abstract sentances. it bothers me too. but hey, some people get to pack. and some people don't. they get to pretend. i'm choice number two, not by choice but by... God? there is no divine learning in this. all i've learned is that i want to die quickly. and i don't blame him because he's not in charge of all the bad things in this world... and i don't wnat him to explains...

because the fact that everyone makes mistakes... is not an explaination. its not. it doens't change anything. no explaination can change anything. no words can undo whats already been done. regardless of what they meant...

i've been cold to you lately haven't i? i haven't meant to. i think that deep down inside, i dislike you some as well now. you and him both. part of the trust that was there... is replace with something else. its my immaturity. its my fault. but its also the truth. i said that my relationships will never be the same after this. its the same with my brother... the guilt that i didn't feel but i knew... the reflection i saw but i didn't see... the words that have been buried in my heart. i'm that kind of person. i'm more sensitive than you could ever believe. i am. but you knew that. and he should've known that. thats why i don't make private entries for you anymore... thats why i don't make the effort to call him. thats why im not the friend i was before, and i'm not the girl he knew. he's noticed how sarcastic i've become. i guess a lot of it is subconcious. because i'm not meaning to hurt anyone... i guess i'm just tired. i'm tired of trying to fix everything.

its changed. he calls me everyday. he flips out if we don't talk everyday. he worries that i don't miss him. he asks me if i've written. he tells me that we shouldn't loose contact... and it would be a lie if i said that... i don't miss him. but its not the way it was. its because my hearts beating a different beat.

its changed for you too. it must feel werid that you don't have to login, or you don't see locks next to the entries. i guess it would be a lie to say that i can tell anyone the things i tell you. but i no longer want to... have secrets just for you. but there always will be. i hope your not getting hurt by all of this. this isn't meant to hurt you. but it probably is.

i think i'm suppose to feel something. the accident thing is starting to get big. i got a call fromt he police on thursday. i could be fined big... if i don't admit to it. he hasn't called back. i should be worried shouldn't i? i should be sorry. but i'm niether. is this what you call carefree? but i'm a worry freak.

i think i should tell you something. because its going to bother me if i don't, but i know that i shouldn't tell you. he told me that he talked to you, and that you asked to keep the conversation private from me. it accidently slipped and he felt bad. but i don't think many secrets can be kept from me... especially from him. he said that it was your idea. and he wouldn't tell me what it was about... and that really bugged me for a while. i was talking to him about this when i was at silvers, and she overheard. because of her past, she flips out when friends talks to their guys or bfs or whatever... i like it. i don't mind. i was just going to ask you what it was about, but you said you didn't talk to him. to be honest i was confused. i didn't get what the fucken deal was about a conversation. and i didn't understand the point of keeping things from me... especially between the both of you... silver got all worked up, because some bad stuff has happened to her before... and she didn't understand how i could trust you the way i do, because to the world i don't think that we make a lot of sense. but i do. it was werid at first, but i never would've thought anything werid... if i can't trust you, or him... than what the fuck is left for me?

i'm not telling you this so that you can feel werid. i just wanted to tell you cuz it bugged me for a little bit. cuz i didn't get the whole secret secret thing. and you don't have to tell me. its all good. don't tell him that i said anything. he feels bad enough that he slipped.

i should go for my daily jogg. or do work. both. i watched all the korean videos that i could. well for the next 4 days all i'm going to be doing is studying and reading, jogging.

yeah. i'll be back. or i'll be here... wherever... bye

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Time:

9:43 pm.

its werid not being perminatly logged onto this site. i constantly have to put in my username and password. its very annoying, but worth it because yeah.

well i had a splendid 2 hours and a half. my first 30 mins was spent doing things i should not have done. my throat hurts. but anyhow. i took my little friend out for a walk. she took her little souter (correct spelling? argh) and i ran/walk. i mostly had to walk because she was going my walking speed, even with the little machine. so we walked to my playground area, we raced a long the way and she always won, she has an obsession with the little white cotton ball type of flower thingys... she picked them and blew them everywhere. in my face, to the air (that kept pushing it back into her mouth) and so forth. she said they tasted very salty. i don't know. i take her word for it though. they flew into her nose and well and she picked her nose for quite some time. i just thought she was picking her nose, for the sake of picking her nose and was trying to find something else... but i realized that the white thingys were everywhere. in my eyes on my hair, sweater... yeah.

we got to diane's house because the playground is right across the street from her house. she came out with us and we played on the playground. it was a very, i mean VERY high tech playground. there were these jumpy thingys... actually i'm not going to try and explain. i can't. so if you wanna know what there like then just, go to it. i'm telling you... it was one cool playground.

we played tag and it got dark so my little friend and i decided to head back, and diane went back home. she was extremely tired, and the back wheel of her scouter broke. she i gave her a piggy back ride and carried the scouter, with the dirty wheel and such in my sweater pocket. she was carrying my keys.

its not a short walk there... 30 mins maybe. she wasn't heavy at all... i think she fell asleep actually. she just rested her head on my back... and she kept sliding back... so i kept having to stop so that she wouldn't fall. half way through she wanted to get off so that she could pick her white obessions. she took my sweater cuz she was getting cold... and we stopped at a bench and listend to the frogs. she hates frogs. but i told her she should find one and kiss it so that she could have a prince. and she told me she was no princess, what would the use of a prince be?

and later she said that she wants to find the prince later, when she's bigger so that she could marry him.

its 10 now and i need to go pick up my medication. yeah, i still didn't do it. should i walk there? yes i should. i think the white things are still in my eyes. ahhh. the walk was lovely. i adore her. i asked her if she wanted to be my little friend or little sister, she said she wanted to be my little sister.

anyhow. my friend mandy freaked out over my poem today. she freaked. i mean freaked... like she started shaking and started to cry. it surprised everyone at the meeting because she doesn't freak out first of all, and it surprised me because i don't remember what i wrote about. i just read the first sentance and liked it. they liked what i had, but my co-editor jimmy was very... i don't know.

he didn't like it. he said it was too depressing. and the quality of the writing was good but the depression swept it all away... he didn't know how to describe it but i could tell that he didn't like them. he didn't even want to read them. he actually stopped in the middle of a short story and said he wouldn't continue. which makes me happy that someone could despise it. love it or hate it. no middles. middles and okays, i don't cares are the worst. i want the extreme.

well i'm off for another walk. i think. i feel werid. its werid... i don't know... maybe i should just sleep. no... i'll be back.

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Time:	5:25 pm.
Music:	coldplay- trouble.

YES! i get to use to computer whenever i want to for the next 6 days! 7 days! woop de doooo! =) and watch tv. but i don't watch tv. i do stuff like read. and... read. read read read.a;sdlga;sdligh RUN. look at this! john knows me very well.

Sunyuh: guess what
Sunyuh: i get the house to myself
subscience: really
subscience: watcha gonna do?
subscience: read?
Sunyuh: LOL!!!!!!!!!!1
Sunyuh: omg
subscience: (:
Sunyuh: i did check out 7 books from the libray
Sunyuh: you forgot running
Sunyuh: and i have to write
subscience: oh, yea that too
subscience: wow.......
Sunyuh: wow?
Sunyuh: what my life is too exciting for you?
Sunyuh: ;-)
subscience: way too exciting (:
Sunyuh: i know
Sunyuh: *flips hair*
Sunyuh: sorry you can't be me though
Sunyuh: i wont allow it
Sunyuh: =)
subscience: LOL

mmm.. good job johnny. this is why i like you so much +) half brain. YOU BETTER KEEP THAT PROMISE.

i love double dipping. cept i never really do it. with food i mean. calories, no sauce... extreda... bla bla. i didn't spell that right. excedra? omg. whatever.

subscience: only way i know what you've been up to is via live journal
subscience: i love your livejournal.
Sunyuh: why?
subscience: because i really like reading it.

GO JOHN! You're making my day! its faboulus now. i'm not even stressed that i'm not stressing about the cop/accident thing. i'm not going to write about that. dont' ask. i don't wanna talk/write about it. it gives me a headache. it makes me wanna change my name. it makes me upset and it makes me kinda sorta sad. and i don't want to be any of those. i like compliments too much at times. cept their evil for me at times. what did my teacher say to grant today? "no more mercy for you... mercy has hurt you..." beautiful line. My teacher is beyond odd. he thinks he talks to me everyday. cept he talks to me once a month. i rarely conference with him. he thinks that we talk all the time cuz we need to talk but never get to it... op i have voice lesson in 10 mins.

reading norweign wood made me think of a lot of stuff. a lof of stuff... i'll write more about it later and update some poems that i don't think i've posted yet. i love voice lessons!! she needs to stop giving me compliments. she needs to stop thinking that i practice. she needs to stop telling me that i'm improving... cuz i'm not doing any of those. and if i'm getting better by doing nothing thats bad. being talented is a very bad thing sometimes. you loose hard work, passion... so forth. i want to talk more about that. not that i'm saying i'm talented... but i'm saying that in general thats what happens. okay... must go. write later. toodle do~

by the way the sucker is not calling. getting angry.

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Time:

6:45 pm.

i found this beautiful dress today... man... did it fit perfectly.. everyone in the shop stopped to admire... haha that sounded way concieted but it was the dress for me, honest to goodness made for me. made for my all too small waist, fit perfectly, and for my all too werid hips that don't really match my waist. perfectly fitted on top, and not to long on the bottom... no tripping (hopefully) none of that... it was hot hot pink and blue. werid combo huh? let me describe... it was cut low, beaded with pink and blue gems, fitted so tightly that when i laugh you can make out the lines of my ribs (yes i have lost weight!) size 4 did i mention? if i lost 5 more pounds, i would be happy. okay thats a lie, 17 maybe =) anyhow, it hugs me, and then it flows flows flows... big on the bottom with a different fabric of blue and pink. beeautiful. absolutly beautiful. MADE for me. the thing is. its 400 dollars. 400 dollars that i cannot spend. ever, if on a silly prom dress. a silly prom that i wont be going to... honest. not with him, or the other him. i'm going to do something... i don't know what yet but i'm not going to prom. because its not fair and this is my punishment to myself.

yes i'm punishing me. i'm not sure what exactly for... but i'm going to be punished. maybe i should bring a camera with me to the changing room next time and take pictures of myself... i swear... it was so beautiful...

it was sort of like a mermaid dress on top, and princess on the bottom. cache. it fit my long black curly hair.. it fit me. man. felt beautiful today... its amazing what one dress can do for your self esteem. it seems like the more weight i'm loosing, the looser my clothing has become. it makes me feel like i'm putting on weight, but when i fit into things like that i get amazed.

i'm sure that many of you are sick of hearing about this weight thing. but i think about it constantly throughout the day. i think more so when i'm stressed. i tend to want to stress out other things.

i dislike the girl standing next to be (i'm at the libary again). icky icky icky. =)

i just checked out 5 more books for me for this weekend. more reading and running for angela! i just finished off another book. i realized that i'm a pretty fast reader and i have this werid tendancy to skim, like i know what the author is going to say so i skip passages and then i come back to them, jsut to make sure that i understand whats going on.

i haven't heard from him in 2 days now. somethings wrong. i helped him with his paper, he had to turn in something by the next day or he wouldn't be graduating... i have a feeling he didn't do it... and he might not be graduating and he feels bad so he's not calling? it doesn't really mattter... it really doesn't. i just want him to be okay.

anyhow i have a council meeting to attend. things to pick up, streets to jogg, books to start on, showers to take, so that i can sleep. tata everyone. i hope i didn't bugg the shit out of you... i wish you could see me in that dress... i look beautiful... its not just talk to make me feel better this time... for once, honestly, even to me.

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Time:

4:51 pm.

i haven't realized just how beautiful the u was until today... so spacious, so pretty. surrounded by trees and nice tall buildings. in the middle of nice, clean, funky seattle... love it. love seattle, love the u. i mean, i don't need to live here forever... but i like it here for now.

the kids around me are jumping around, running and just have been threathened to be kicked out of the libray... i've been kicked out of the libray before. im not sure if i like them, or hate them. the kids i mean, and the libraian. i'm not sure who i side with. their both annoying to tell the truth. and he keeps running and talking very loudly.

oh my goodness gracious i need to study for my calculus and french. i'm going to be in deep shit if i keep pushing it back. i'm blanking out these days. i got my refill for my sleeping pills... i had no idea that she was going to give them to me but she did... we kinda fought about getting them but i need them... i'm not even kidding... i very much need them.

i think that in general i'm just annoyed at everything. i'm annoyed that its a 'good' thing that i'm back. i'm annoyed at most of my friends, i'm annoyed at them, i'm annoyed with myself for being the way i am. and anytime i'm not feeling annoyed some little kid and librian will do the things that they just did and make me annoyed again. like right now. but i don't think its this normal to be annoyed all the time.

the surprising thing is that i haven't realized this, but i have in a way become a more bitter and meaner person. the reason i say this is because he noticed. he told me how i never use to say the things i did, how i wouldn't snap and reply with sarcastic remarks like i have... i haven't noticed that i've become this way... and feel terrible that its gone to a degree where he has noticed, he barely takes notice in anything, truthfully. he barly can notice when i'm crying or sad on the phone, but he's noticed this... with means its not just a small change... sigh.

one good news though, i'm not evil. horray. no i'm not that crazy, i never believed i was the devil or anyting... but i've been brained washed to sort of believe that i was in all a pretty bad person with evil intentions for people and life. but he said that because i actually believe that i am this way, and think about it... that i'm virtually not. people who are really like this don't believe that they are... which makes sense.

i have 6 mins left. i'm going to write him a letter and send people copies of my senior project. i don't know if its good or not... which is probably a good thing. because that means it doesn't suck. well off ta math. i hope that i at least get a B+ or something... come one someone up there... take pity on me...

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Time:	10:44 pm.
Mood:	headache.

you wont believe what i did all day all... sleep and read. i did not do my math hw like i should've, i did not do my french hw, i did not do my senior project...

i slept and read. read my new tim o'brien book, tomcat in love. fancinating characters i tell ya.

i had a lot of things to write about today. i went jogging again and realized that i have so many things to write about all of a sudden... i mean not all of a sudden but write about all the time. i wonder why i didn't read, write, and sleep. actually i know why. cuz i didn't wanna think about the stuff i was going to write about, and when i put things down to words everything seems so much simpler, so clean in a way. four years can be translated into two pages, heartbreaks can be summerized into a paragraph, a love can turn into a poem. i love it and at the same time... i despise it. too short, too clean, unreal, its not real...

get what i'm saying? yup i thought about that on the swing tonight at 10. why was i on a swing at the middle of the night? because i stoped at the swing and decided to take a break, i've been doing that latly. i like swings by the way. but it makes me dizzy... its werid. i tried going on the monkey bars but once again my strong arms would not support me the way they use to when i weighed 70 pounds or so and was seven. i'm anywhere from 117-120 today, two months until 18, and 5'5, 5'4 or 5'3. i have a tendency to shrink and grow, several inches day to day. yes i'm werid.

i'm paroniod. my friends, my friends are putting werid thoughts into my head. they say i'm naive, i'm blind, too trusting. they say that they take back the naive part... i'm not naive about live (i actually am at times) but i am about friendship. that i can't see whats going on... and i responded, protected myself by saying that i'm that way, i'm trusting like that because i wish so much, with everything that i have for friendship to remain as pure as i believe it is... because it takes forever for me to trust someone, so after i trust them, i do not wish to think things such as the ones i'm thinking. and i hate this, i hate this. it could never be, never ever be... but my friends say... it could be... it could very well be...

it can't can't can't. and even if it is... then my friendships are a billion times more important, it really is... not that it would ever happen.

OH MY GOODNESS. how could i think such thoughts? its not true... maybe i just want to think this way because i don't want to think about other things... hold on i have to put on medications for my brother.

okay. i can't... what the fuck is going on. i'm being retarded. but for the first time.. the people who use to tell me that i'm overreacting are overreacting... or so i think...

sigh sigh sigh. too many things to say... please make these thoughts go away... i can't believe this.

i have a lot of things to do tomorrow and i should take a shower and sleep. will get things done, will get things done.

i haven't talked to them, i haven't seen them, but my grandmother might come... *hoorah* i feel bad though... but i miss her so much...

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Time:

12:49 pm.

oohhh i'm full. i'm gonna go jogging pretty soon.

i've realized that... everything i write is filled with spelling and grammatical errors. i was thinking about fixing them, but decided not to. free form has ruined that for me in a way, and i would never write the way i do here the same way i would write a paper, and if was a poem or short story i would press F7 and have people proof... but since its nothing like that, since i'm not getting a grade, trying to impress, or have anyone to show it off to... i'll leave it the way it is. i'm sure most of you (who read it) understand what it is anyway.

food is such a battle for me. eating and not eating is such a battle. i'm such a girl. a stupid fucken girl. if i claim myself to be so independent and... i don't believe in the media, then why the hell do i feel the way i feel? its sick i tell ya... its very sick.

i realized while i was in seattle yesterday that i really really really like seattle. i hate washington yes, but i love seattle. i love the name, i love the people, i love the streets, i adore broadway. i love how its small, i love how its clean. i love how the people are professionals, sucessful professionals seeking for their lives to be a little more laid back, with coffee and distances that you travel with my feet without subways. i love it.

i thought i hated this place because i hated the cities i lived in. what i hate most about them are the names. i hate the name mill creek. what the fuck kinda name is that? mill creek. i swear... someone was high making that up. i like the trees... how it looks like the perfect rich suburb area with absolutly noooooo problems. no dirty apartments, no dirty anything. a clean, rich, golf crazed suburben area. its amazing. thats the one part of it that i like. how it looks on the outside.

i guess its a very... snotty place though. not snotty the typical movie style snotty... but the... cold kind. the entire town is small, but very... neighbors don't talk to one another. school is terrified of how diverse it is (bullshit) all the money given to children is spent on weed and parties. everyone ends up going to a CC (not that CC's are bad) but you would think that such a perfect place, with lots of money, children would aspire to be more, to do more than fail classes and get high.

i'm probably being a snob right now, AND i'm doing what i hate by generalizing. this is not absolute. i'm wrong in many aspects. please don't come to the places i just talked about and expect the things i just descirbed. its just one person's opinion.

anyhow i'm happy to be leaving the town and moving into seattle. cute chic seattle. i love how when you tell people your from seattle people expect you to like coffee, be grunge, know lots about music, be a cafe fanatic, have piercings and werid hair, and be really really laid back.

and of course like every other city, wear a lot of black.

i don't fit into any of those... except i do dress to fit into broadway, and i'm starting to understand the music stuff.

what i was realyl going to write about today was how i called my grandmother and woke her up because it was 3am their time. and i guess she's trying to get her visa to come see me. she's put everything aside for that. but its hard for her to get her visa. she told me again that she only loves me, that she loves me and thats it. that i'm her hope... and she told me that she's not going to live long... and that she just wishes i would go back...

this lady has a spell on me. everytime i talk to her, i cry. AND everytime i talk to her, i say yes to whatever she wants. she wants me to be a newscaster person, i say yes (without really meaning though). i say yes because she's just asking for me to be the person she wasn't able to be... have i told you that i eat cucumbers for her? i do. actually, i go as far to let her PUT IT ON MY FACE, and replace them every five mins so the smell is fressh the entire night. yes, i smell that shit for her. i hate cucumbers more than anything, i hate their smell... but for her... its okay. i can live..

so i didn't say yes, but i didn't say no. but i think she took that as a yes. which means i said yes. which means i promised her... which means that for her... i will go back into my private hell for the next two months. ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! why do i love you so much... why do you have to be so great.

thats what i really wanted to write about. i digressed a lot. i talked about stupid shit before i got there... i'll go back tonight. 12 days everyone... it could've been forever, really it could've... but i guess not because i would wnat to see her, grandma i mean... and i would've seen her... and i wouldn't have been able to say no again... because with her... that word doesn't exist.

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Subject:	john reads every entry... woohoo!
Time:	12:30 am.

it made me feel very special by knowing that... hi john. =)

i just wanted to let everyone know that the shorter entries, like the one below... the more confusing ones than i write, are my brothers (most of the time). especially if it doesn't sound like me and he's talking about patch adams...

what the hell? why the hell are you talking about that movie all the time... you're werid.

i just wanted to let the few people who read this know... and he writes a lot more... mmm... abstractly than i do, if thats possible. but in a way his writing is very beautiful... simple... fresh? i don't know if fresh is the word because fresh reminds me of tacos. and taco commericals.

then food... argh. i wore this really funky blue striped skirt today... thats all cut up on the bottom. i bought it at seattle's broadway yesterday. time flys when i'm with silver. i always bought shoes because i only came out with the pair, and i hate those shoes so i don't know why i decided to bring those... so i bought these shoes that i've been wanting for a long ass time that just went on sale. they had ONE last of my size... fate it was fate!

i leave my clothes everywhere... and its pointless for me to buy anything i guess, except for shoes because i would only bring one pair with me everywhere.

GOD i want to sleep before 1 tonight. hurry back joey. i think i might call grandma...

i wanted to write a bunch of stuff. words and sentances have been floating in and out of hed all day today. and i cried a little on the swing today. oh. i went for a jogg/walk around the neighborhood and found a playground yesterday.

the thing is... i haven't been on a swing... for a very very very long time.. and... i remember how i wanted i fly so much... as a little girl and as a big girl trying to be a little girl... regardless of where and what i was doing... i always wanted to fly. both physically and... in the other sense. but i realized that on the swing, going up was so much fun... but being up there... probably the closest to flying i could get before any dangerous activities... that...

it wasn't... my stomach felt werid... and everything got a little bit dizzy... i wanted to slow down... and not be up so high... it was werid.. it was all i ever wanted... but i guess being able to fly or be free isn't about just you flying or being free... it involves other people... and that part truly sucks... being up there alone isn't very much fun... i don't know what i'm saying.

i still look at death and think of death as a next step, almost a joke. i realized while i was walking that... its because i really had been dying a bit by bit in the inside... so i longed for it the way i did because i thought the next step would be for my physical apperance to match my inner... it never did. i'm as healthy as i could be. its sad though. i'm a little girl. things should scare me more.

i wanted to comment on your compliment john... but i think that i'll just... let it be. and enjoy it... accept it? =) or try at least.

i guess when people compliment me, things happen. first i think that their a new expectation, so i start to write a bit for the people, which for me is a bad thing because the only time that i'm true is when i write.

but when i am, it gives me hope and makes me happy. goes to show you that everything has two sides, even the good stuff. okay. i'm gonna do it. i'm going to call my grandmother. something inside of me tells me i need to... but that means that something inside me is compromising with the thought of returning... at least for a little while. i realized how much i need my brother. it might be too late for a quick change with the others, and with them i understand i just need time to heal but... with him...

he's my family. all of it. he really is. him and my grandmother, beanie.

which makes me curious to know... explain what you learned joseph, even if its from the movie. i mean, you can be inspired by movies and such. i really need to call and sleep so i'm going to leave now because when i start to write i can write forever... =)asldkghaiusdpg

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Time:

3:20 pm.

wow... i haven't written in this forever... or so it feels like. lately my words have become jumbled and mixed. very annoying. i can't seem to remember things... and i repeat things over and over without realizing.

i saw something yesterday that really upset me. i realized how the way i was treating him was the way i was being treated by her. not to a full extent. but any extent is bad. it was my nightmare... i guess when you hate you become... and when you love its the same. so its hard... i don't know... do i go back? now that i don't have a million people screaming at me to what to do, and my closest friends and soulmates telling me to return to my own private hell... i think i'm feeling something new that i can't describe. everything seem... nothing seems real. i really miss sleep. i want to dream... yet i daydream all the long... i can stare at something and fall into a daydream about him. i've been doing that a lot. but these dreams aren't beautiful. they're dark... dark dreams where everyone is crying and things are going wrong. is this what i want? more pain to prove love... what kind of fucked up person am i? unbelievable. i'm unbelievable.

silver told me yesterday that she would've loved to be a guy so she could love someone like me... and i told her, i only look nice. i'm too deformed of a person, that i shouldn't be anyone's dream girl... and she looked at me (very buzzed by the way) and told me that thats what she would like the most... to cover and love the deformities... of course she doesn't understand what she's talking about... and the words are much more beautiful said than actually taken out into action... because in reality, in physical sense... that would be harse, cold, cruel... and lonly for the guy who would have to do that for me... in a way its a trick. i'm a trick. because i look a certain way, and say certain things... and what you expect to recieve is nothing like what you recieve.

of course i'm not alone in this. everyone is a trick on their own.

i'm starting not to care, about stupid classes, about my stupid calculus class... i say this and don't mean it. cuz i only talk about it cuz i care. well i honestly don't care, but i its bothering me that i don't. because i should.

i wanna play basketball. i think i'll go play some bball. thats just a joke because theres nothing more that i suck at then sports, but surprisingly i've been playing a lot of it. i've lost so much weight sitting here doing nothing, its scary. and i'm becoming complusivly close to developing another serious eating disorder. i'm cursed i tell ya. i hate this fear, this fear of being fat. and the weight i loose is never enough. i am in serious need of help.

should i call my grandmother? i don't know... maybe... but thats like saying that i'll go home... and i don't know. i don't know what i would do. its kinda too late... too late to love them the way i should, their never enough... and that bothers me. they only had one job... one job that they more than failed on... was it that hard... was it that hard....

whatever. i'm running.

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