syzygy's journal [ presently | kindred spirits | time travel ] syzygy [ *** | refractions and reflections | *** ] [ *** | who is she? | *** ] [ *** | many yesterdays | *** ]

what's on my mind: i haven't said this in a while, so just to remind you all... [25th Dec 2001|01:14am] I LOVE THE J-ROMEO!!!! i do. he's an amazingly wonderful person!! that is all :o) ~let me hear you~

[25th Dec 2001|12:43am] [ mood | tired ] there's a lot that i could talk about... mostly having to do with growing up and letting go of a lot that once held me back. i should write it all out right now, as it's fresh in my mind, but it will have to wait. plus, i think that tomorrow, after being in the situation once again, i'll have had more time for the experience to sink in. suffice it to say, it feels good to be able to spend time with my family, and it feels even better to have it feel good. ~2 voices~~let me hear you~

[24th Dec 2001|12:38am] [ mood | tired ] well, i'm finally back in the grand old state of michigan. we went to my grandma's house straight from the airport, which was a surprise to me... but it was really cool. all my aunts were there. my west coast aunts have officially talked me into moving in with them for a bit after my lease ends in august. they've actually offered to let me stay there indefinitely... especially since they're planning on having kids at some point in the near future and would love it if i could be there as a sort of nanny/aunt/cousin type deal. of course, after that i told them how i was seated next to stinky babies on both legs of the journey today... and how that made me swear i was never going to procreate. heh. it feels so wonderful to be here, away from all of that shit that was driving me insane back in boston. to be honest, at this point (and remember, i haven't even been gone for 24 hrs) i could never go back and be perfectly happy. well... i'd have to go back because i'd need to get my kitties... but you get what i'm saying. it's really nice to have some sort of plan of action as to where i'm going to be heading after this year is over... now if i only had some direction about what i wanted to do once i'm out there. ~1 voice~~let me hear you~

[23rd Dec 2001|07:49am] it's way too early to be awake... i could sleep for another 10-20 hours easily, but i've got to make the trek out to providence sooner than i'd like to there seems to be absolutely no way for me to fully wake up this morning. methinks i'll just be passing out on the plane. ~6 voices~~let me hear you~

[23rd Dec 2001|01:45am] very little would make me happier than being out of this situation... it's so strange. i feel like i'm back when this all started. the games, the conversations that go nowhere, the semantics. it's as though the connection we had was destroyed last night. this break will do us good. more importantly, this break will do me good. i'm just tired of all of it. how could i expect any different than what is going on right now though? i know him well enough to know how he reacts to situations. he is feeling it slip away, and he's freaking out... strangely enough, i'm feeling it slip away and part of me is sad, but most of me is sighing with relief. ~4 voices~~let me hear you~

what's on my mind: presents and whatnot [22nd Dec 2001|11:35pm] the photographer's market was a hit with zee boy. i had no idea what i was going to get him. novels for leisurely reading were out of the question because he's got, "too many books to read as it is," and music is out because he manages a major record store and has more music than god at this point. i wouldn't buy clothes for him, and he's not a "stuff" kind of guy... i managed to stumble upon the book as i was wandering around the bookstore/cafe while waiting for sue today. i have both writer's market and novel & short story writer's market, and although i have yet to be proactive about submitting things for publication, they're wonderful resources. he was excited, and that was cool. he got me a ticket for luna hidden in a cute card with a nekked baby ass on it. he thought the ass was appropriate since he likes to swat mine so much. either that or he wants me to have his babies. i prefer to think it's the former ;oP it's back to packing now. i'm supposedly watching a movie tonite as soon as i'm done organizing... evidently, i need to devote my full attention to whatever it is that i'm going to be doing with him, and it is forbidden that i pack and watch tv at the same time. in less than 24 hours i will be in michigan!! ~8 voices~~let me hear you~

[22nd Dec 2001|09:34pm] [ mood | insane ] i just got back from the dreaded bout of xmas shopping. it was HORRID! i'm mostly done, however... which is good since i won't have time to do much more since i'll be in a plane for most of the day tomorrow. in yet more news, i will not be doing all that i had planned tonight. i did, however, get to meet sue for a late lunch and coffee. she really does ground me. i forget what it's like sometimes to have a connection with someone like that. ok, i guess i shall start wrapping now... and i've got to send zee boy up into the attic to get my suitcase. ~let me hear you~

[22nd Dec 2001|12:23pm] [ mood | drained ] i've barely been awake for a couple of hours now and i already have a massive headache because i haven't had any coffee. today's going to be busy. i'm doing a major shopping blitz (i've only really shopped for my mom), as well as meeting sue this afternoon, and hopefully julie this evening. i have to leave for providence tomorrow at around 9 am... i'm trying to figure out what to bring along with me on the plane for entertainment. i was going to bring my laptop, but that makes little sense since i still don't have photoshop in my paws yet... so it looks as though it will be music and books. that's not a bad thing, i was just hoping i could play during the plane ride. hrmmm... i really have no motivation. i'm going to go drink a cup of coffee on the porch before i go brave the stores. ~9 voices~~let me hear you~

[22nd Dec 2001|03:39am] steve is leaving in about 15 mins for a week. i will miss him. when he hugged me tonight i remembered what it is about him that i love. i remembered how much fun it is to hang out with him, as well as part of the reason why i wanted to live here this year. he squeezed me till i felt safe, and told me to hang in there. and i will because it's really not that hard... there are so many other things i can pour all this energy into... ~4 voices~~let me hear you~

[21st Dec 2001|10:57pm] [ mood | sick ] i am such a fucking wimp. that is all for now. ~2 voices~~let me hear you~

[21st Dec 2001|06:15pm] i'm making myself sick... you'd think i'd have more sense than that... but, alas, i don't. ~let me hear you~

[21st Dec 2001|01:11am] [ mood | annoyed ] ***note to self: if you want to take a shower in peace and prevent a certain boy from entering whenever he pleases in order to converse with you while taking a piss, lock the door. ~2 voices~~let me hear you~

[20th Dec 2001|08:52pm] [ mood | going nuts ] will someone please save me from myself??? ~9 voices~~let me hear you~

[20th Dec 2001|06:41pm] [ mood | hyper ] [ music | yo la tengo--damage ] i've consumed too much caffeine. WAY too much. i don't know what to do with myself. i'm on overdrive... or is that hyperdrive? it's so hard to sit still. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! this is insane! ~6 voices~~let me hear you~

[19th Dec 2001|11:13pm] zee boy is fervently mopping the floor right now and i have this almost uncontrollable desire to attack him... something about a boy mopping is really doing it for me... rrrrwwwwaaaaarrrrr! heh ~2 voices~~let me hear you~

[19th Dec 2001|10:47pm] i just woke up from a however many hours long nap... the only reason i got out of bed was because i heard zee boy walking around and that got me out of the stupor enough to realize that if i didn't get out of bed then, i'd be in some bad shape come about 3:00 when i was wide awake... *yawn* ~2 voices~~let me hear you~

[19th Dec 2001|07:54am] ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.................... this is going to be a looooong day, ~let me hear you~

[19th Dec 2001|02:03am] [ mood | tired ] again. this was not the plan... the plan was to be home at midnight, relatively sober. i think i just made the decision that is going to start a war in this apartment. tonight was strange. i seem to be asserting myself--being stubborn over the most trivial things--just because i'm getting sick of the games. basically, i'm not going to play a role that isn't really mine. i'm in a no win situation right now, and i'm finding a way out of it. it may not be the most forthright way of dealing with it, but i'm not going to sit him down again to find out why the hell he is the way he is. i've done it twice with the same results: all of my impressions are validated, but we skirt resolution. these "talks" perpetuate the problem by binding us tighter to emotions that neither of us will acknowledge outwardly in anything but action. yes, actions speak louder than words, but communication is key to any relationship. we don't communicate. it is getting really annoying to have everyone around you telling you and another person to, "just get it over with, already!" any time you're in a room together. i was sitting in the kitchen with a couple of people and fiona comes in to say, "your presence is requested in the living room." i asked who was doing the requesting. she replies, "who do you think?" the room turns to look at me with eerily matching smirks on their faces. i'm sick of that. i'm sick of being thrown into something that i feel i have no control over. i know i do this to myself, but that also means i can stop it myself. i don't know any other way to stop it than this. i can't do it anymore. ~2 voices~~let me hear you~

[18th Dec 2001|08:31pm] [ mood | busy ] ok everybody, cards are being written presently... so... if you haven't sent me it yet, and would like a card, i'm doing one last call for addresses! ain't it grand that i'm a terrible procrastinator?? ~6 voices~~let me hear you~

[18th Dec 2001|07:56pm] awwww... zee boy just made me coffee... isn't he sweet? hehe ~let me hear you~

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