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a maya-shaped hole in the universe
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losing my liberal-cred
this is an entry about politics. if that's not your bag, by all means skip it.

for reference read this article from the nytimes magazine )
So I have a few points to make about the article, which for those who want a quick reference point, I mostly agree with.
1. First, the idea that anyone in Iraq voted is mind boggling to me. I sort of wish that these elections took place right before our elections, it might inspire people. The author is right when he talks about the indifference of "Americans and Europeans who have never had to lift a finger to defend their own right to vote." Even as elitist as it sounds, it is harder to appreciate free elections when you have never had to even consider a world without. How many of us (Americans, sorry non-US readers) would actually vote if it were more of a hassle to do so, not to mention if there were an actual risk to your life? I think it is inspiring to see what happened in Iraq over the weekend and what will continue to happen. Politics aside, it's a historic change and if world issues interests you in the least bit you have to stop and admire the absolute balls that those iraqi voters have.

2. And that's my second point - politics aside. I agree with the author of the times article again when he says, "Liberals can't bring themselves to support freedom in Iraq lest they seem to collude with neoconservative bombast." I find that in talking to people, reading the papers and listening to the leftist pundits on television/radio that you can detect a little bit of hopefulness that the elections will fail, or rather, an eagerness for spreading doom or something. Are we so against the Bush agenda that we can actually wish that the violence in Iraq will increase? That more people will die than already have? Just because you may not agree with the war it doesn't mean that the iraqi people have any less of a right to have a hand in their own government. I think it's possible to be opposed to the war and still be reverent of the elections in Iraq and of the change that is about to happen there. Like it or not, the war did happen and we cannot turn back two years (god, has it been almost two years?) so no matter what you think of the war you can still wish the best for the election.

I guess I'm being redundant at this point. I think it's an important moment in time, at least.

i think this picture is pretty amazing )
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in case i am as bored as yesterday
Scan my interest list and pick out the one that seems the most odd to you.

I'll explain it.

Then you post this in your journal so other people can ask you about your interests.
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email exchange between kristin and i
this made me laugh out loud at work and caused everyone else to look at me funny:

me: i'm pretty proud of myself because i only needed my dad's help to put together the dresser and i put together the night stand and the bookshelf all by myself. i may quit my job to become a carpenter. i don't know if i told you this before but the amount of pride i felt when i finished the nighttable was like more than the amount of pride i felt when i got my first job. i'm going to be a professional ikea furniture builder.
her: Congrats on putting all that stuff together...now I know who to call when I need something constructed. (PS Jesus was a carpenter, maybe you're the new messiah)


hahahahaha. i'm the new messiah. hahahahahalijatoeatalakdjaodagm
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i hate:
1. stupid fowards with news articles in it. especially like mainstream media articles. okay, if you found this obsure article about how george bush and condeleeza rice had a love child in baghdad in a military vehicle, send it over. otherwise, keep the ap articles to yourself - either i've read already, am going to read it, or am conciously avoiding it.
2. not having my getting ready routine go right. like if i have to shower without using one of the things i normally use. or having the hot water turn off in the middle of my shower. or having the shirt i was planning to wear have a stain on it. i don't think i'm a high maintenance person but that shit throws me off. i'll end up feeling frumpy and unattractive all day over some minor crap.
3. when i plan for things to happen a certain way and organize my short term schedule around that and then things don't go according to my plan.
4. when i feel grumpy about things not going my way and simultaneously feel ridiculous for being a 13-year old brat. this seriously impedes my ability to be a brat to my fullest degree.
5. being cold. snow. anything wet and cold. wind. everything pertaining to the weather right now.
6. FUCKING EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW.


i am in a vile, vile mood.
ps why cannot i not select "none" for my user picture right now? i don't want to use any of my smiley happy ones. i want to be pissed and wallow in being pissed. stupid smiley pictures.
pps you can laugh at me if you want. actually it's probably safer if you laugh at me tomorrow.
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i enjoy this quiz
You scored as Intrapersonal.
You prefer your own inner world, you like to be alone, and you are aware of your own strengths, weaknesses, and feelings. You learn best by engaging in independent study projects rather than working on group projects. People like you include entrepreneurs, philosophers and psychologists.

Intrapersonal

86%

Verbal/Linguistic

82%

Interpersonal

57%

Musical/Rhythmic

54%

Visual/Spatial

36%

Bodily/Kinesthetic

11%

Logical/Mathematical

11%

The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences
created with QuizFarm.com


---------
i enjoy that i'm so freaking unbalaced when it comes to math and "bodily" intelligence. which basically means i use a calculator to add up my hours on my timesheet and i have no coordination at all. i do consider myself very aware of myself, in that i understand myself very well so the quiz on the whole seems pretty on target. i want to know what all of you are so do the quiz and let me know what you got please.
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so while in middle/high school one of my favorite broadway plays was the phantom of the opera. i saw it for the first time while in 6th grade and was just taken by the whole...show-ness of it. you know the intricate scenery and costuming the whole psuedo opera part. i feel like that's what a broadway play should be, big, loud, and have this element of fantasy contained within it.
but now this fucking movie is out. and i kinda want to see it because maybe i'd enjoy the music to it. but i feel like it will ruin some of the magic of one of my first broadway plays. because even though the scenery in the bway phantom was pretty impressive to me (at least as i remember it), i feel like it will be TOO complete in the movie, if that makes any sense. i think part of what makes theater great is that there is this quiet understanding between the audience and the production (company? peoples? whatever, i'm obviously not a theater elite or anything.) It's like they say "we'll put this tree here and you'll just pretend it's a forest, ok?" and we say "yea sure, you give us a great performance/experience and we'll believe anything you want for the next couple of hours." I think it's that kind of interaction that makes theater worth it. it's this concious suspension of belief and an agreement to fill in the lines a little in order to participate in this experience.
i don't know. i will maybe rent the movie one rainy day.

moving on, here are the random tidbits of my life:
- I started the aggravating process of moving into my new apartment. This is moving slowly, because previously i had no furniture at all. now i have some to-be-assembled furniture in boxes from ikea, a to-be-delivered bed, and a thousand something less dollars in my bank account. don't get me wrong, i'm excited to be moving, but i think i will be more excited when the place is READY and i'm actually there.
- yea so, that's basically it. i am very sleepy.
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bored and annoyed
YOUR FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL

[What year was it?] 1996-97 (taking adrienne's word for it.

[What were your three favorite bands?] i wasn't really into music. i listened to a lot of z100. i like greenday and alanis. i don't really know what else.

[What was your favorite outfit?] you know i really can't remember. this was back before i discovered flare leg pants so i'm sure anything i wore was pretty dumb.

[What was up with your hair?] it was generally the same that it is now. shoulderish, maybe layered but probably not. i think my sister cut my hair back then (she was actually good). i didn't really know how to blow dry it straight then so i had it in a pony tail for a lot of the year.

[Who was your best friend?] melissa. and jackie.

[What did you do after school?] i joined images (literary arts magazine) but those meetings were like once every four weeks. i spent a few afternoons wandering the halls, but the late bus sucked and i had to run and catch the bus every afternoon after the last period. when i was home i would watch a lot of tv and eat basically every single thing in the house. wow, i was a real loser. i think sometimes melissa came over or i went to her house or jackie's house. i also distinctly remember one afternoon walking to adrienne's house. i thought it was the longest walk ever.

[Where did you work?] was it legal to work then?

[Did you take the bus?] god yes. it was awful. AWFUL. i was the last bus stop to be picked up and the stop to be dropped off (which was supremely unfair I thought.) This meant in the mornings I was at the mercy of everyone else on finding a seat and always had to sit with someone. this also meant in the afternoons i was at the mercy of this weird goth kid, paul (he dressed up for halloween as jesus once) who made weird conversation with me and generally made me feel uncomfortable. the bus was the WORST.

[Who did you have a crush on?] haha! joel van tine! he was a senior and had the same birthday as me.

[Did you fight with your parents?] i would get yelled at by my dad a lot.

[Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on?] meh.

[Did you smoke cigarettes?] i think i tried them for the first time this year. and no, it wasn't a peer pressure thing. i wanted to see what they were about so i took one from my dad and smoked it outside one day. i then decided that it sucked and never smoked again until i was in college. i'm glad i made that decision for myself.

[Did you lug all of your books around in your backpack all day because you were too nervous to find your locker?] high school was exciting b/c in middle school you weren't allowed to carry around bookbags. i doubt i carried everything with me, but i did love my bookbag. i know i kept my spanish book in jackie's locker.

[Did you have a 'clique'?] i hung out with jackie and patricia and melissa and those people. i also was friends with greg. i hung out with anyone who was in band basically. geek.

[Did you have a "Max" like Zach Kelly and Slater?] i can't believe no one wrote franks pizza. that was totally the place to be after school on fridays but before pre-football game-marching band practice. all wearing our grey swmhs band tshirts obviously. SOOO COOOL.

[Admit it, were you popular?] no. i accept it. i think i accepted it then too. i didn't have an desire to be really.

[Who did you want to be just like?] my sistah.

[What did you want to be when you grow up?] i don't know. i think i wanted to go into journalism then. how much thought do we put into this stuff in high school?

[Where did you think you'd be at the age you are now?] I assumed that I would be working in the city, living in a cool apartment and have a life sort of like "friends." haha. maybe not the friends part...but i assumed i'd have a cool boyfriend and interesting, intellectual friends.

[What advice would you give your freshman self?] to do better in school. to look people in the eye more. to be more confident.

i should probably not post this because it really exemplifies what a complete and utter dork i was. truth is, freshmen year was one of the more awkward years of my life. i didn't start feeling attractive until later in my high school life so i didn't have much self esteem. my best friend went in more of a "bad girl" (for a 15 year old) phase, and i was caught between pretending like i was okay with whatever she was doing b/c i desperately wanted to be friends with her still and hanging out with my more "wholesome" friends. through marching band i was friends with a couple older kids who i thought were the coolest in the world (like [info]chonch!!!) but i was really very sheltered at home. this was also the year that the first one of my friends did anything sexual with a boy (not kissing). i began to become more sexually aware at this age but never had boyfriends to explore with. this was also the first year that i ever did really badly in school (not completely my fault though.) through that experience it was the first time i ever felt like i let my parents down. i would get into fights with my dad fairly regularly about school things and cry often. i felt painfully skinny and just not attractive. looking back at all the changes that happened that year, i really wondered how i ever survived.
there were good things too though. mrs. pellechia was my english teacher and the first person who expressed interest in an encouraged my writing skills. she had this warm way about her and i remember her taking me aside and telling me that i was a wonderful writer. my sister started college that year and we started to see each other as friends. slowly, but it started. all of her college friends loved me and she'd take me out to dinners and stuff a lot. i went to india that year and really discovered myself. before this year, i was always slightly embarrassed about being indian, embarrassed about the way my house smelled or my dad's accent or not celebrating christmas. i was wholly uncomfortable with myself. after my trip freshmen year, i discovered that i had a family who loved me unconditionally. a huge web of a family who were all interesting intelligent people whom i could rely on, even if they were on a different continent. i discovered family that year. i also discovered my culture. i spent that trip wide eyed. amazed that my skin color didn't mean anything there and slowly realizing it didn't mean anything anywhere. i looked at colors, history, experienced smells and emotions and culture. it was the year of the birth of the person whom i was going to become. that trip uncovered a part of me that after 8 years, still exists and still grows. i think it's rather fitting that i got my period for the first time on my way home from that india trip (another good thing that happened, because i was beginning to feel like a half-boy freak b/c everyone else had gotten it.) that month, more than any other since, was that start of me growing into an adult.
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shopping monster strikes again. har har. there are good sales now. i don't have much to say about this except that i finally own a piece of cashmere, which i have wanted for a very long time.
yesterday was the longest day ever. was staking someone out. yea, man. my job is odd.
i spend a lot of time wondering what the point of waiting is. i guess i'm generally a patient person. i cross the line here and there, but that's really because i also love instant gratification. but if you want something, should you wait for it? is there something to be said for something that is worth waiting for? i'm afraid of loss, afraid of regret. but i'm afraid of deciding. afraid that what i want will not meet up to the way i have built it up in my head. my fantasy is too complete to ruin with reality.

one of my biggest pet peeves are people who pronounce names like "sri lanka" and "pakistan" with a short a instead of a long a. you know what i mean? this applies to the majority of the population, but it still annoys me to no end.
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this year i hate new years eve. it's never been a big deal for me. but i'm working and that makes me more bitter. not even that i'm working but that everyone thinks is such a travesty that i'm not going out and getting drunk, or doing something on a night that is essentially, just like every other night of the year.
so this year, more than any other year, i don't believe in the idea of compartmentalizing one year from the next. i've come to the realization that time is fluid and runs into the next, and i will not wake up and feel any different on january 1, 2005. if you wait a whole year to make a new years resolution, you are not doing enough to better yourself. nothing will change if you don't make it change, and the fact that you have to buy a new calendar does not really make anything different. i kept my bitterness about xmas in, because i didn't want to be the scrooge ruining a holiday for anyone else, but this time i really cannot help it.

that being said, in the future, i will probably celebrate new years. i have in the past. i want to throw a new years eve ball one year. like rent out a hall, have everyone come in fancy gear stuff. as cliched as it is, i want to have sex with someone i really love on midnight one year. i don't deny that i want to do these things. but i resent the fact that i am supposed to do something. because, really, it's just another day.
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so, as horrible as it may seem, i am not as affected by the tsunami disaster as other people seem to be. i mean, i understand the tragedy of it, and my heart goes out to the people from that region but i can't summon the emotion that it seems to invoke in other people.
but, yesterday when i came home my mom was laying on the couch listening to a cd of old religious songs. when i asked her what she was doing, she said she had spent the night watching the news reports about what happened and started feeling depressed so she put on the cd to make herself feel better. the empathy that she felt for these people (my family is not from that region and we knew no one who was affected) is beautiful and sad at the same time, to me. the extent to which her connection to the tragedy was spiritual makes it that much more real to me. i don't know if that makes any sense.
i know a part of my mother was thinking about the "what ifs." as in, what if this had happened near my family's area. what if something similar happens there? what if something completely different but just as terrible happens there? with the exception of seven people who live in the U.S., my entire family lives in India. the thought of something happening there is scary for me, but must be terrifying for my parents. the idea of their whole world swept away cannot even be comprehended. i am amazed and in awe of my parents everyday, of living somewhere completely different from where they grew up, while half their heart lies halfway across the world.
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maya
User: [info]maya
Name: maya
Website: my wishlist
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