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[16 Aug 2002|06:28am] |
hummm okay I made a new journal a few days ago. I added a few people already... umm if I'm on your friend's list and you're weird enough to still want to read my journal entries then add my new name...
![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20050212232418im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) i_die
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4 # hate me
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[12 Aug 2002|10:30pm] |
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man o man I feel so much better. Jake and I talked some and it's better now. it's not great, but it's definitely better. I love him so much, I really do. :\ woooo I'm hungry... I'm gonna post pictures later tonight or something. I don't know what of but I'll be posting pictures :D
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7 # hate me
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| this is gonna be a long long post.... |
[12 Aug 2002|03:27pm] |
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I didn't go to camp yesterday. too many reasons. but yeah yesterday fucking sucked. my dad woke me up and bitched at me which got me in a bad mood. then I came downstairs and he bitched at me some more and I was saying one reason I didn't want to go was because of anxiety and he's like "well take an extra paxil" blah.. then I got online and ended up getting in a fight with Jake(again) over the stupidest reason. I was just in such a bad mood, I shouldn't have gotten online. :( so... the fight ended with him saying he gives up and it's over. heh I've been saying those words in my head all day today and yesterday and I have to keep fighting back the tears. I feel like this all seriously doesn't matter to him as much as it does to me. almost everytime we fight I'm the one calling him, I'm the one saying sorry first, I'm the one trying to make things work. he just doesn't seem to give a fuck about me. maybe I'm another person to fuck with. I stayed up all night last night and was on basically all day yesterday just so I could talk to him and try to work things out. then it said he was on so I IMed him and I thought he was ignoring me cause he wasn't responding. then I wake up with an IM from him...
bleeding_stardust: ever think i might not be on? does that even cross ure mind?
I'm fucking sorry, my god. I'm obviously not good enough for him, maybe I should just fuck off forever. I'm NEVER good enough for ANYONE. this all hurts so fucking bad and it all probably means absolutely nothing to him. I'm sorry I was ever fucking born. I feel like pure fucking shit. no, I feel worse than that... I just feel like I'm nothing. I am nothing. fuck! I stood in front of the mirror for like an hour yesterday just wondering why no one loves me. *sigh* I don't know... I fucking hate myself. I'm so scared and hurt I can never trust anyone or believe anything they say anymore. I'm so afraid of being close with someone because I'm afraid of them leaving and I just end up being a fucking bitch. I wish so bad I could be better, or maybe just dead. Jake said he'd never leave me and yesterday he did. then he emailed me saying he still wont ever leave me... I'm fucking confused. I tried calling him a few times and his phone line is always busy. bleh... I'm sick of being the one that always calls him. he cares so fucking much he can't even go get a fucking phone card to call me and he used up his entire other one to call some other girl for 5 hours. I just do NOT get it. I don't get how he can say he cares. fuck.
anyways, there was a couple good points of the day yesterday. Steph(my best friend in Cali) finally got the internet and we talked some. I miss her soo much. she's so sweet and nice and awesome and yeah.. she had surgery on Wednesday, I'm not real sure why though. :\ she said they were just looking around. she's on all of these pain killers now and they're making her sick heh. poor thing. I hope she's ok. then she asked me when I was coming back to Cali and I said probably not for a long time... then she offered to pay for me to come out there. aw I don't want her to do that heh :( meh, after that I pretty much slept for the rest of the day... I was really depressed. then I woke up and my mom and I went to get a movie. lol I love that movie store :) the people there are so nice. my mom talked to the two guys there for a little bit and stuff about my nephew and how his dog got stolen. I didn't even know my brother had a new dog lol. I didn't know there was such thing as "doggynapping" either. :-X we got the lord of the rings movie though. they didn't have anymore so they gave us hte one that was playing on the tv... yay I felt special :D my mom said one of the guys liked me... uhhh huh :\ *sigh* I'll shut up. this post is really long. yeah yeah.
I love u so fucking much Jake... :'(
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6 # hate me
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[11 Aug 2002|03:02am] |
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lonely, forgotten, sick |
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some infomercial |
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I actually did want to go to the camp earlier, but now I just want to say "fuck it" and curl up in a ball in the corner. :\ my dad keeps bitching at me because I say I don't want to go. all he cares about is his money. god. I'll pay him back eventually. everytime I get money I'll give it to him :\ I fucking hate my grandparents. I wish they'd die already. it's like having 3 of my dads on my back all at the same time. fuuuuuckkkk I just can't stand my dad's side of the family anymore. I don't like my mom's side that much either. :\ well, I mostly don't like my aunt. she's a bitch to me and when she's with my mom they just make fun of me. it hurts. I'm so sick of people doing that kind of shit to me, can't they just fucking listen when I say to stop? meh, at least I don't have to see her often. I feel so lonely right now. I haven't really talked to anybody today except for Jake on the phone :\ nobody really seems to care anymore. oh well. heh Jake said he'd be on around 10 or 11 but yeah he still hasn't come on. I wish he'd tell me that he's busy or something instead of letting me stay up all night to talk to him. I guess it's too hard to take 5 minutes out of his time. bah I feel fucking special. I want a hug so bad right now. all of my upper body hurts because I want someone's arms around me. I don't know. I'm sick of this computer. I wish the month of September would hurry up and get here.. grr. I want to go back to school :\ heh my mom and I were in the car and we were talking about me cutting and she said "I'm so glad you got over that"... if only she knew :\
I'm going to go *attempt* to sleep, or something. bye.
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5 # hate me
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[10 Aug 2002|03:03pm] |
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 cranky |
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ben kweller- wasted and ready |
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*sigh* my kittty is getting old :( she's 12 and cats only live to like 13 I think. she's starting to lose her fur too :\ and everywhere I pet her she has scabs. I don't know why, the vet says it's some kind of skin problem. last time it happened they gave her some medicine and it cleared up, but it's coming back. I don't want my kitty to die, ever :'( I luffs her... grr all my pets are dying :( Hunter died a few years ago, then my fish died, then Billy Bob died, then Stevey died.. and I don't know when my cat or bunny will die. I don't want either of them to die.. grrrrr. :( :( then I was asking my mom for new pets and she's like "no, we're going camping." ugh I'd rather have pets then go camping goddamnit. they can go camping, I'll stay home :\ my grandparents are here, I don't like them so half the time I hide in my room >< my grandpa and dad went to go get more stuff for me to go to that camp tomorrow. I don't want to gooo :\ *sigh* I mean I do, but I don't. I love horses, but I don't like being away from home. heh. yeah I'm pathetic. my grandma got me clothes :\ she hates all my other ones. god I don't like how she tries to fucking change me, it pisses me off. why can't she just accept me the way I am? I'm sorry I wear worn out jeans with skulls doodled on them, sweatshirts with dragons, beavis and butthead tshirts, spikes, and I dye my hair.. god. she bought me all this... very plain shit which is like 2 or 3 sizes too big. she got me like this striped sweater and this really ugly maroon vest to go over it and she's like "I got the same thing! maybe we can wear them together!" oh god please help me. I just really hate how she tries to change me. then I was only downstairs for about 5 minutes and she kept trying to shove food down my throat >< I'm starting to not like meat at all. I can't stand seafood.. the only thing I still eat is chicken or hamburger mixed in with something else. everything my family makes has tooonsss of meat in it and I just refuse to eat it.. then my mom is like "don't be so picky" gahh everyone shut up. I just don't like the idea of eating animals :\ makes me want to puke. heh notice how I bitch everytime I post in my journal? yeah I annoy myself.
( some pictures I took last night )
I think I'm going to go lay down. I love you Jake :(
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2 # hate me
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[08 Aug 2002|09:37pm] |
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 pissed off |
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hahaha I was feeling like shit, but I just looked out my window and I saw a couple cars racing and then swerved into a road that I can see behind my house and right when they did that a cop car came... haha fuckers :D that amused me somewhat. hm well today I slept till like 11am and then we went to the mall and got Joey and Sara some school clothes(they go to preschool this year) and uh then my mom had to go to the doctor, so she dropped me off at home and went. then she came back and got me and we went back to the mall. gah on the way there my brother was being a fucking pain in the ass. he kept touching me with his feet and I did NOT want to fucking be touched and I yelled at him like 50 fucking times and he just wouldn't stop, he just laughed, so I hit him. I hate my brother, boys suck. *sigh* well we went to Hot Topic and I got some awesome pants, a couple 'My Little Pony' buttons, arm warmers, and this cab driver hat lol. it's too big though :'( I need a small... pffft the one girl that works there is so kool and nice. I miss Clarky.. and the other dude with the bull-like piercing(forgot what it's called) yeah they're kool. muhahaha uh then we took my stupid brother and sister to go on those stupid little rides cause they wouldn't shut the fuck up, then we left. but when we were going out the door Joey realized they left their Stuart Little airplanes alllllllllll the way on the other side of the mall and fucking screamed their heads off. we didn't go back though, just dragged them out. heh then my brother was touching me again and I swear to god I would have killed him. I just didn't want to be touched, at all. I'm sooo sick of him, he NEVER listens. my mom spoils them so fucking much, it's not even funny. I mean they're more spoiled than I am. it's like, if they're fussy and shit my mom will go "I'll give you an ice cream!" goddamnit. when I'm upset she just tells me she doesn't want me. then they expect to have everything they want whenever they want and I'm SOOOO sick of it. heh well I smacked my brother real hard and he screamed and cried, then he laughed and started touching me again... and so I hit him again. heh if you touch me when I don't want to be touched I will fucking hurt you, no matter who you are. hmmm the cop car is still there... bah. I really don't want to go to that camp. my parents are making me get a swimsuit and shit. I refuse to go swimming. what the fuck are they gonna do if they don't? goddamn.
fuck off and die
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1 # hate me
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[05 Aug 2002|11:19pm] |
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bah I feel like shiiiit and I'm soo tired. Jake never talks to me, and when he does it's maybe for 5 minutes at the most. I feel like I don't mean shit to him anymore, and everything I say just doesn't matter. *sigh*
wooo well anyways, we went into Middletown to the pet store and Walter... was....... GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'( :'( :'( someone bought him :'( I need their address, so I can go to their house, beat them, and steal the birdie. grrrrrrrrr I miss him already :'( all the kitties are gone to. whaaaaaaaaaaaa :( ummm we went to Wal*Mart then. haha it was pretty kool, I didn't get any anxiety either. I was pretty much singing the whole time and making noises and twirling and all that fun stuff lol. haha I kept singing the hate version of the barney song as like a metal song... haha it was sooo awesome. I want to go sing it for someone :D then my mom got a mop, and I stuck it in the cart straight up and started singing the "star spangle banner" song... haha then I told my mom to take her shirt off so I could attach it to the mop but she said no :( so sooo tireddddd *falls over* pfffffffft oh yeah! I got two more Carebears lol... they're sooooooooooooooooo awesomeeeeee yes I'm freaking spoiled lol. there's no more left now :'( I got Tenderheart and Funshine bear... I want Wish Bear and Bedtime bear damnit!!!!!!!!!!! haha I dunno what to say, today was a pretty good day though :) I think Im gonna go get a shower, and then watch "welcome to the dollhouse" cause that movie is soo awesome and I love it and then I might paint or something haha yeah. byeeeeeeeeeee
I love you Jake :\
Mail A Midget: Imma roast a piggy
xPrittY SuicidEx: :'( don't roast my relatives
Mail A Midget: awww
Mail A Midget: if you're a piggy, then you're a fucking sexy piggy
xPrittY SuicidEx: woohoo lol
muhahahaha :D:D
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1 # hate me
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[05 Aug 2002|07:18pm] |
bwhahaha I have lipgloss on that I found while I was cleaning and it tastes goooooood :D :D
hmmm I moved my desk today... it's in the corner now where my dresser use to be. and now my dresser is in the middle of my room with all the drawers out lol. grrr my room is such a mess. I moved my desk with everything on it(computer, scanner, speakers, printer, candles, and all my other little junk) and now my hand hurts :( grrrawr. eeeep gotta go :D my mom just knocked on my door and we're going to Wal*Mart and then I might be able to go see *Walter* YAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
Jake <3
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hate me
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[05 Aug 2002|09:54am] |
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weee my first oil painting :) I got them a few weeks ago but I've never really used them. I like 'em A LOT more than acrylics though. it's not that great, and the bastards didn't give me any black, and the paint brushes were too big so I wasn't able to really do any detail. lol yeah yeah yeah
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5 # hate me
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[04 Aug 2002|10:46pm] |
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boxcar racer- I feel so |
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bwhahaha my sister called me a stupid dummy today lol. I forgot why, she was pissed though :P hmmm lmao when I woke up I saw her at the bottom of the stairs and she didn't see me, so I growled and she screamed, ran, and then crashed into the wall and fell down.. hahahaha I couldn't stop laughing. I'm evil, I know lol. my dad took Joey, Sara, and I to the movies to go see Stuart(stewart? I dunno) Little 2 lol. my sister loved it. she laughed this really weird laugh as loud as she could throughout the whole movie lol. then she started cuddling up next to me and played with my hair... awww :P Im bored, Im tired, whaaaaaaaaaa. I tried cleaning my room, haha you can't notice a difference. ummm bwhahaha(I've been saying that in my head all day) Im gonna go do something. I dunno what but Im gonna do it lol. woo weee. my lips burn. ow.
( I'm sick of these condom commercials. BWHAHA! )
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4 # hate me
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[03 Aug 2002|10:18pm] |
hmm I was in a good mood earlier, but not anymore :\ my dad is just a freaking grouch and it wears off on me. everything I say/do he just has to make fun of me for it in some way or another. he makes me feel so stupid, worthless, and never good enough so now I just try to stay away from him and try to talk to him as little as possible. *sigh* oh well. erm all day I was just making stupid pictures on psp and then my dad went and bought a car. heh he has enough to get a $21,000 car, but when I ask for the bird he says he doesn't have enough money... wtf. it's like if I want something we don't have any money, but if he wants something then we have money. he complains how we're so fucking broke and in debt yet he bought a new computer and a canoe(which we don't use often)... and now a car. then he lies and exaggerates a lot so we don't go places or get things... it pisses me off. lol we have 4 cars now, geez. the new car is ugly, it's a jeep grand cherokee or whatever and it's white and black. the only thing I like is the cd player and it has a real good radio. grrr my parents are so plain >< our house is white and black, my dad's mazda convertible is white and black, the new car is white and black. grrrrrr. down kings highway on the way to Chester there's this farm and it's sooo beautiful and it had the most beautiful horses there... but u know what? they're fucking building a new housing development there now. :'( grrr I hate America. people fuck each other so much and then they keep having kids and people are taking over all the land. they keep destroying the most beautiful things and then keep turning this world to shit. fuckerrrrs! I'm tired and grouchy.. blaaaaaaah. I have to go that horse camp in a week or whatever and I have to bring a bathingsuit :\ I told my dad I didn't want to go swimming and he's like "you have to" wtf no I don't. I don't feel like people looking at my scars. :'( I remember I got my haircut before and I had to take off my sweatshirt... while the girl was washing my hair she saw my left arm and stared at it, then she looked over at my right arm and had the most disgusted look on her face. heh then when she was cutting my hair she wouldnt talk to me at all and tried to do it as fast as she could... probably thought I was a freak :-X man I complain WAY too much. I'm tired. I feel sick. whaaaaaaaaaaa hug me :( lol bye
oooooooooh and I got to drive again today... muhahaha. I backed out of the drive way and then drove down to the airport and back. I didn't crash lol. my dad was pissed though cause I don't have a learners permit or anything. yuuuup.
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10 # hate me
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[02 Aug 2002|10:49pm] |
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oOoo I forgot to say that yesterday I got to drive again :D :D :D I backed out of the driveway and then drove down the road some... woohoo and I didn't crash! lol or even come close to crashing! :D Im proud. lol our neighbor was looking at my mom and I traded places and he was probably thinking "oh god she's learning how to drive. please help us" >:) wow I'm tired. I don't want to sleep though :\ there's a lot I want to do. nothing important though. today was soooooooo boring. I woke up at about 5am, worked on my site, watched tv, and just sat here until like... 3pm, then I fell asleep and woke up around 6pm cause a bad storm was here. eeep the thunder was loud :'( I was scared lol. I wanted to be hide under the covers with Jakey and cuddle. then I brought the bunny in cause it was really bad outside. he was all scrunched up in the corner trying not to get wet lol. erm then we all went to go pick up the van cause it was getting repaired for some reason that I don't know.. and uh that's it lol.
ahhh!!!! Kevin just showed me a page with fucking AWESOME contact lenses *drools uncontrolably*... I want them all lol. but they're like $250 per pair :'(
http://www.9mmsfx.com/lenses.htm
Jaaaaake I miss youu. I hope you didn't get into too much trouble for the hole :\ if you get online and I'm not here then email me or something :D I love you
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hate me
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[31 Jul 2002|08:52am] |
man.. I feel completely alone right now. not even Jake will talk to me. woo freaking hoo. I think me and him are drifting apart. yeah... heh love is fucked up.
why isn't anybody ever here when I need them? jesus.
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2 # hate me
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[30 Jul 2002|09:49pm] |
ahhh I feel really sick right now so Im just gonna type this and then go to bed. ummm well we just went to ac moore to get Joey some stuff for his train set. heh I cut myself a few times right before my mom told me we were going and ahh I was so worried blood would soak through my pants, but it didn't... it got all inside though :\ hmm anyways, we went there and I got some leather, more studs(I can't find my old ones grrr) and I think that's it. haha I was walking to my mom to show her the leather I wanted and this guy walked right by me and was like "how you doin" real fast and quiet and he kept walking lol... I don't get that.. guys will be like "how are you, whats up, blah blah blah" and they walk away before I can say anything lol. . he must have been in his early 20s though. hmm yeah a couple guys kept staring at me at the store and it was pissing me off... dieeeeeeeee. it makes me uncomfortable heh. argh I'm sooo tired... I'm sooo comfy though :D I got really baggy sweatpants on and a really baggy sweatshirt. I want to go cuddle with Jake *cries* I think he's mad at me, I dunno. I hate the internet. sometimes I wish I would have never met him and that way I wouldn't have to fall in love with him, it hurts. I was crying earlier cause I wanted to be with him sooooo bad. heh damn I really do love him though... probably more than I've ever loved anyone before :( sometimes I think of him being with someone else and it hurts soooo bad. *sigh* he keeps saying he's gonna come here but I just doubt it... one day goes by, then another and another... soon enough a month. I dunno :'( I'm gonna go talk to Joe a little bit before I sleep I think. I haven't talked to him for about a month cause he was at some army school and I missed him soooooooooooooooooooo much. wow I've known him for two years now heh. night night
I love you Jake.. :\ :'(
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2 # hate me
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[30 Jul 2002|01:23pm] |
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simple plan- I'm just a kid |
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woo I'm in a semi-good mood right now. I just got my haircut a little bit ago... it looks sexay haha. actually no it doesn't, it's just like... an inch shorter :P we're suppose to go to the toy store aaaagain today because my brother pissed in the toilet twice today lol. haha I think I like potty training time >:) we went yesterday andd dude they had trolls for 90 cents!!! wooo I got two..... a little rockstar one(it's so kool) and this green dude with yellow hair lol. I also got ummmm a princess crown :D:D I've wanted one for a while... not sure why, just did lol. and I got this little gray puppy for Jake... it's sooo cute and so soft. I showed him a picture of it and I dunno if he likes it :\ he's like "oh it's cute"... heh.. yeah ok. he's so different around his friends... I dunno. :\ :(
that's the puppy :D:D
ooooo I saw the birdie again yesterday!!! yay!!! I'm soooo in love with him lol. haha when I got there he was flirting with the other macaw that was there. lmao. he's only about 4 months old! sheesh. he had his feathers all stuck up and was nodding his head up and down real slow like some kind of dance lol. he's the nicest bird in the world and he loves to be pet lol. I had my fingers in the cage petting him and he loved it. he would put his head down so I could scratch him more an then he lifted up his wing so I could scratch him underneath lol. then if you'd stop he'd honk until you'd do it some more haha. aww I want him damnit!!! grrr. I already named him too lol... Walter... that's Jas's real name but that name is soo kool... Walter.. woo. the other macaw is gorgeous too.. she's a different kind though.. she's all gray and has a real light pink around her eyes, and then a red tail. I tried to pet her and she tried to bite me... that little bitch lol... umm omg the kittens there are so adorable. haha one of them was sticking its paw out of the cage and trying to attack the stuff on the shelves. cats are so cute when they're little... then they grow up and are so grouchy haha. dude I hate this keyboard. I just bought it and it sucks so fucking bad.. you have to push down so hard to fucking type and its making my arms sore... :\ *stabs it repeatedly*
hmmm... *scratches head* ah you know what, people keep staring at me and it's getting on my nerves lol. I mean I was getting my hair cut today and all the ladies in there kept staring at me. then we were driving people were staring at me.wtf? haha it's freaking me out and I don't like it :'( then some how people know my name when I have nooo idea who they are. grrrr. and we go to stores and people look at me.. DIE DIE DIEEE!! weee lmao...
me and my mom were talking about school last year at wvhs and haha it was kind of amusing at times. man I HATED my art teacher. she was a bitch. I would miss a lot of days and one day I came in and didn't know what we were doing and she's like "oh great now I get to waste 20 minutes of my time going over what we have been doing" then another time she was like "do you even like art?!" hahaha I just find that funny. ooo and during music class, we were playing piano and one day I came in with my hair pink and I was chewing gum... so the teacher got right in my face and stared at me for a few seconds.. then he's like "are you chewing tobacco?" lmao... people are dumb. "OMG she has pink hair she must be one of those druggies!" *stab stab* muhahaha... I'm hyper :) ahh we're going camping this weekend. I think. it's sooo hot out :( and my cuts.. and I can't wear shorts.. and... ahhhh... damnit. we're suppose to go to sea isle city or something(it's in New Jersey) we went there last year and it was so kool :D the campground rocks. they have a big club house where like, anyone that's camping there can go watch movies and then they have pool tables, arcade games and all this other stuff. my mom and I don't really want to go though cause it's so hot. and we have an old little camper(one of those pop-ups) and it doesn't have an ac or anything lol. but yeah I don't really feel like dying right now from the heat or anything haha. ahh I miss Cali.. in 5th grade we went on this like, 4 day field trip to Yosemite(pffft can't spell) park and we had to be pioneers and wear the clothes, make our own food, chop wood, and sleep in the cabins they had and stuff. omg that was so awesome. we did that for a couple nights. then the last couple days we went to a campground and there were mountains all around us and it was SO gorgeous. one of the nights we all sat around the campfire and one of the parents that was with us got out their guitar and played some. god I miss that. haha I miss my classmates there. they were so awesome and they were like my brother's and sisters cause we were all in the same classes together for like 4 years. then in 6th grade we did another camping trip for another 4 days up at wolf mountain. lmao and I miss the fights that Steph and I would get into with Shelby... hahaha it was funny... we'd call her the paranoid pissy penguin. then one time I emailed her something and her mom emailed me calling me evil and stuff hahahahaha. ahhhhhhhh I'll shut up hahha... I doubt anyone reads all of this and my arms hurt and I hate my keyboad and and... woooo.
ZygoteConsumpt: hey, don't kill me but.. I was checking out your site and I think your art is the most amazing thing ever. I love it. I enjoy it so much and I think you're great at it. I could never do that, when I draw it's just a blob and turns out to be a leaf or something heh heh but yeah, your art is so amazing, don't ever stop drawing things you see or things in your head.. all of it.
*gasp*
ZygoteConsumpt: btw , how old is that jake character?
xpritty suicidex: ummm 16
ZygoteConsumpt: realy?
ZygoteConsumpt: I thought he was like 40
ZygoteConsumpt: and I got scared for you.. !
xpritty suicidex: hahaha
lol that's amusing.. ewww... 40? yuck lol hahahah wee I'll shut up x)
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3 # hate me
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[29 Jul 2002|07:16pm] |
bleh Jake's an ass when he's around his friends... probably trying to impress them or something :\ it's annoying. and I'm getting sick of him giving me the finger and saying "fuck you" all the time...
ugh.
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4 # hate me
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[29 Jul 2002|02:28am] |
wtf? my account on www.okcounter.com got rejected.
"Error ID Your account is rejected
Maybe your homepage is over 1,000 hit every hours or
warez,adult contents include.."
I get like 5 hits per day at the most and it's not like I have any fucking porn in my journal... bastards.
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1 # hate me
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[29 Jul 2002|02:14am] |
knives_out_amnesiac: you'd be better looking if you lost 15 lbs
knives_out_amnesiac: you have nice dick sucking eyes
I'd be better looking if I was dead.... bleh well today sort of... sucked. we were going to go to the pet store and then go to ac moore cause I needed so leather... but while we were driving to Middletown for some reason my mom said I should take another wellbutrin... wtf? it pissed me off because I explain to her EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY that I DON'T need more fucking pills! god, I'm so depressed because I'm fucking lonely.... why won't they get it through their heads? pills aren't going to do anything. I mean if they actually fucking worked don't you think nobody in this world would be depressed? goddamn. then she was saying how if I took another pill I'd be happy... ahhhhhh wtfffffff? nobody's going to be happy sitting in their room all the fucking time completely alone. then it's like, I ask them to take me places and they bitch because it's "too late" or they're "sick" or Joey and Sara need them. god. I want to run away so bad.. I have nowhere to go though. heh if I wanted to I could just pack some shit up and walk out the door and just walk until I get killed or pass out. I really should do that... I'm fucking sick of all of this. I just don't want to go to juvenile hall, psychiatric hospital again, or go into a fucking foster home. last time when the cops caught me when I was "running away" they said if I do it again they'd put me in one of those places.. woo fucking hoo. why do people think punishment is the answer? god. I ran away that time cause my fucking mom was telling me she didn't want me in the house and then we got in an argument and I ended up being pinned against the wall with her hand pushed on my throat. I hate my family. bleh. anyways... while we were driving I was saying something about the bird and asking if my mom could take my birthday money I get and use it towards him. then she's like "well if you're going to do this then I'm not going to take you" ugh.. I can't fucking help it I want him so bad. I don't even know why I do... I'm completely in love with this bird and I've never wanted an animal that bad before.. :\ eh then I got a fucking soda(not that I need it) and I was using my money and Joey and Sara fucking screamed their heads off because they wanted chicken nuggets and french fries but I didn't have enough money and neither did my mom... sooo she's like "I'll go to Walmart and write the check over" blah blha blah... I did NOT want to fucking go there... I'm so sick of that store. I'm so sick of all the fucking people there... I'm sick of the anxiety I get.. I swear if I go there again I'm going to take the largest k nife I can fucking find and shove it up the owner's ass until they have a big enough asshole for me to shove my head into. bleh so my mom didn't really give a fuck about how I felt she only cared that Joey and Sara wanted food(although they just ate before we left) and so I made her take me home. yeah so all I fucking did today was go on like a 15 minute ride. I was so upset and so fucking lonely I was just crying a lot on the way home... my mom didn't care. she didn't say she loved me or any of that other shit she usually does when I'm upset. it's the first time I've actually cried in front of someone for a long time.. bleh. so I came home and fucking bawled my eyes out until they were almost swollen shut. then I went and cut myself a few times. yay for me. heh it's so amazing how that tiny piece of metal can slice my skin open like that. I love it. I wanted to cut my arm like I did before.. man that was awesome but so scary too. I only cut like 2 inches deep but blood just poured out of me like crazy.. it got all over my pants and all over the floor and it soaked up the toilet paper so fast. heh I got scared though and went to my mom... I showed it to her and she almost puked and my dad drove me to the hospital really quick where I got stitches and stayed overnight.... blaaaaaaaaah. fuuuuuuck youuuuu. yeah so after I fucking cut I fell asleep and I had a really bad dream about Jake where he leaves me or whatever yet again... it was worse then other dreams I've had though. oh well I fucking feel like shit and I can't think right and I'm typing this but I actually don't really fucking know what I'm typing... just fuck off or kill me or something..
god I want to be held so bad... :'(
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4 # hate me
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