10:04pm 18/12/2004
 
mood: crushed
music: *sigh*
I don't even know what to think anymore.
Part of me died today.. and will stay dead..
I just don't understand... I feel so numb.
Without Jared.. part of me feels like its lacking.
Where is my opposite? *sigh*
And its the beginning of the end.
RIP Jared....<3...I hope Never Never Land..Treats you well.
I'll see you in the next life. 		 
     
 
Friends Only.   
01:37pm 26/09/2004
 
mood: accomplished
music: Switchblade Symphony
So I did it. With absolutely no help..I took the photo..I edited it. MINE. heh. <3
If we aren't mutual friends..I'm probably not aware of it. Just leave me a comment and i might add you..depending. If we aren't friends at all..PLEASE leave me a comment..Cause if you just add me I'll have no idea who you are. *shrug* This was done because I am sick and tired of bitches reading my journal and me not being aware of it. *shrug* Its my journal. I will do with it what I want. So all in all..
MY JOURNAL IS FRIENDS ONLY! eep.


  
     
80children| children with heroin eyes
 
I Misseded You   
05:46pm 26/04/2004
 
mood: restless
music: The Cure
So a lot has happened as of late. Its caused nothing more then depression. I don't know anymore. When I am with you everything just fades away.. and becomes so..so..good. *sigh* I don't even know where to begin.. nor where to end. But thats all I am saying on that topic..the livejournal community doesn't need to know much more. So I've decided in December I am going to move out..into my own apartment. I'll still be in high school but probably only going for four classes maximum and the way my days are set up at my new school will be two classes each day.. and i'll work. And I already have emergency money saved up which will only grow. I think I need to do it for numerous reasons. #1 My parents need to realize i'm going to be an adult and need to stop treating me like i'm 10. #2 I need expierence living on my own in my home state before I move to another state for college and live alone there. #3 Its something I need to do personally. Blah. So yeah.. thats whats new with me. Depression. New goals. And new people../old people.. *sigh* blah. Oh! And for my drawing class we are doing self portraits so I figured I would make myself look different so I don't feel like I am drawing myself.. so I borrowed my sisters dread falls and drew my eyebrows up higher.. and yeah.. enjoy. The one I am using for the project is the one below. The rest are under a cut.. enjoy?

*"Show me Show Me Show Me how you do that trick.. The one that makes me scream she said.. the one that makes me love she said..threw her arms around my neck.. show me how you do it.. and i promise you..i promise.. that i'll run away with you."*

( Read more... )		  
     
33children| children with heroin eyes
 
:(    
07:21am 20/04/2004
 
mood: crushed
music: Smashing Pumpkins
Idiot.
Loser.
Slut.
Skank.
Whore.
Moron.
Punk.
Going no where.
Bum.
Bitch.
Disgusting.
Ugly.
Asshole.

Would anyone like to add to the list? Isn't it wonderful when you get called these names at school..and at home by your parents. *sigh* Just make it all go away.. I merely exist as it is. I just want to fade away.

"I'm just like a balloon..Unless someone holds my string i'll float away.."		  
     
13children| children with heroin eyes
 
"Cannot Stand These Talks.. Only Get No Where."   
08:56pm 14/04/2004
 
mood: discontent
music: - - - meow - - -
How about we go back to a time when I didn't care and you didn't exist. Agreed?
I just can't seem to shake this feeling. 		 
     
10children| children with heroin eyes
 
"To the Boys Who Don't Belong. . And to the Girls Who Get it Wrong"   
07:22am 08/04/2004
 
mood: loved
music: Kill Hannah - Unwanted
Robert called me at 2:00 in the morning. I was so angry when I heard my room line ringing.. and I got up to answere it.. and when he said hello back.. i got all giddy. Today is DEFINETLY off to a good start. Roughly a month till he comes back..wee. <3 		 
     
2children| children with heroin eyes
 
"Its Not Your Fault.. That Your Always Wrong.."   
05:07pm 05/04/2004
 
mood: annoyed
music: Marilyn Manson - Beautiful People
Absolutely nothing new to report to you fine people. I am bored and I took web cam pictures on Saturday cause my hair looked cute.. *shrug*.. I also saw the passion of the christ.. eh.. it was very inhumane but I didn't "change" or anything. Only a four day week.. With a four day weekend... thats definetly a reason to celebrate.. And that is all.. Prepare for me being incredibly vain in
5
4
3
2
1
Eh..ta da?

( Read more... )		  
     
14children| children with heroin eyes
 
Lithium Barbie Doll    
03:08pm 30/03/2004
 
mood: artistic
music: Party Monster
So I was incredibly bored yesterday....So I decided I would take web cam pictures. Considering I have pink hair now.. And yeah.. Nothing really else.. My mouth is screwed up
:(



( Read more... )		  
     
27children| children with heroin eyes
 
"Shes Looking At The Stars..."   
10:40pm 28/03/2004
 
mood: depressed
music: Kill Hannah
So nothing really new is going on here.. Just tired.. And lonely.. Yet satisfied with being alone. I got a new job and its awesome. <3 I can honestly say I enjoy it SO much more then Nellos.. I can dye my hair whatever color and I can wear whatever I wish.. And I make more money. And most importantly I'm happy. *shrug* Blah. Boredom. This Saturday I have the ACT wish me luck. I was randomly thinking about driving down to Flagstaff and spending the night with someone.. Any takers? I just want to get away.. Even if its just for one night.

**100 Things
***I Can Almost Guarentee
****You Don't Know about Me.

1) I miss having my long hair even though I never wore it down.
2) When I look at my hair in the mirror and see how damaged it is, i get very angry at myself.
3) I would rather burn to death then drown.
4) I enjoy fucking people over, its a sick pleasure.
5) It has gotten to the point where people make me physically feel sick.
6) I fear being weighed because I know I wont be thin enough.
7) I have only vomited THREE times in my entire life that I can remember.
8) If I have a crush on you you'll never know it.
9) When I get nervous I shake.
10) I lie to people because it makes life interesting.
11) Self mutilation is liberating.
12) When the majority of people touch me I want to go scrub my entire body cause I feel so dirty.
13) I am superficial.
14) I get along with Shawn because we are both superficial.
15) I would do anything to have above a 4.0 gpa.
16) I have never liked any of my sisters friends and I still don't.
17) If you were to damage any of my living dead dolls I wouldn't think twice about stabbing you with a knife.
18) I HATE cockroaches.
19) I hate the way I look..Yet I love it at the same time.
20) I have only been to one therapist in my entire life, and i lied to her.
21) I have honestly only loved three boys. Some don't even know I loved them. 		 
     
12children| children with heroin eyes
 
Lauren = Dumb   
08:16am 24/03/2004
 
mood: angry
My Sister Fucking Sucks. End of Entry.
!$*&!#@*&!#^&$^&!#^$&!^$&*!^#$&*!!!!!!!!!!!!		  
     
21children| children with heroin eyes
 
You Are Such Hot Sex.   
07:39pm 15/03/2004
 
mood: cynical
music: ohGr- Pore
RAWR!!!!!!!!!
Its always the quiet kids who scream the loudest.		  
     
15children| children with heroin eyes
 
"I'm High as a Kite ..."   
11:06pm 14/03/2004
 
mood: aggravated
music: Violent Femmes
THINGS WONT CHANGE...EVER.

God. Anger. Wrath I suppose is all I am feeling at the moment. I abhor your arrogance. That look you get where you care about no one else. What did I ever do to deserve you. God. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. Ignorance..blah. The phone call was made to clear certain things up in my mind.. not to be all "hey whats up?" No. I don't care about whats up in your life..right now. I rarely ever REALLY care whats up in anyones life.. so yeah. All of you best learn to not put false hope into constant failures. Don't put faith or hope or anything strong into a person or even people. We all disappoint. No ones perfect.. Some just are further from it then others. My weekend had a lot of ups and downs as you might be able to guess. The ressiance fair was fun.. I had creepy people stalking me and wanting to take a picture with me and complimenting me. It was nice. Flattery is nice every now and then. Things also got better between Keith and I..Which is grand. Blah. Dawn of the dead comes out Friday for all you zombie freaks.. Blah. And now I am talking about random shit. I am off to dwell and maybe read. Oh! and pictures will be posted soon..someone has a new hair color.. as if anyone really cares. blah. props out to all my niggas and all my hoes. hahahahaha.
( Read more... )		  
     
8children| children with heroin eyes
 
Begin Rant..Now..   
09:19pm 03/03/2004
 
mood: cynical
music: Razed in Black - I'll Damage You
How long has it been since I have updated this shitty journal.. That i use to take so much pride in but now its nothing more then a tool for people to pretend to understand and pretend to care. WOW! You can leave me comments.. how fucking wonderful. Blah. I know this sounds pessimistic and maybe even rude... especially when I should be atleast somewhat cheery.. I beat my last comment record. I have almost hit 120 comments and thats all I have to say? Lately I have been extremely avoidant and a few have taken quite a lot of offense to this.. I don't apolgize for it. I tell people long before they get involved with me.. That I drop people very quickly. That i'm "no good"..but do they listen..no. And then I pull something like this...Where I only want to sit in my room and dwell and think and dwell and analyze and dwell. Blah. 		 
     
29children| children with heroin eyes
 
"Too many drugs to try and fit in."   
09:21pm 09/02/2004
 
mood: depressed
music: Kissing Tigers - I died in a mall
So on my drive back home from Holly's house.. I started feeling really down. As of late I have to admitt I have been pretty happy. I have had a lot less worries in my life except for a few minor bumps in the road so to speak. But I just started to feel down. :( People tell me that my good memory is a GOOD thing and that I should cherish it.. blah. blah. blah. But I see it as just the opposite. I can't forget things.. What a curse that is. Everything has a memory behind it, hence I can get rid of nothing. I don't even know why I am bothering writing this entry.. its not like any of you care about my petty problems. We all have them.. and we all get over them right? Hopefully.. I started this list awhile back and I never posted it. I came across it a month ago.. It was posted under private in early August. I figure I'll finish it now..hooray for lists that are full of so much meaning..its unbelivable.
I Miss...
* I miss lunch last year at school.. This years lunch doesn't even compare.
* I miss how it feels to kiss someone with so much passion you feel like your heart might explode.. Or better yet you have trouble breathing because it hurts.. because it feels so good.
* I miss driving around all night with Holly.
* I miss Devon and walking with her in the morning. She always listened to my pathetic little problems.
* I miss Bree cause she makes it so their is never a quiet moment of akwardness.
* I miss ditching school and sneaking into your house and then your bedroom.. to hide from everything.
* I miss summer.. everything about last summer..
* I miss going to concerts.
* I miss Vegas with Holly and fountains and songs.
* I miss Mr. Bojangles.
* I miss getting lost.
* I miss not knowing where I am going when I am driving.. I can't get lost. :(
* I miss the monkey house.. fucking thieves.
* I miss stealing Tiff from school.
* I miss Fungi :'(
* I miss going to independent films
* I miss not working.
* I miss how tuned off to chaos I was.
* I miss Disneyland.
* I miss writing notes.
* I miss feeling pretty.
* I miss the feeling of butterflies in my tummy.
* I miss seeing your face.
* I miss the feeling of being happy for NO reason.
* I miss playing video games.
* I miss the feeling of being loved.
* I miss how great it feels to be infront of someone you love and to be able to cry. And not have to worry about them judging you or saying anything.. And just to cry because this world is such a piece of shit.
* I miss being spun.
* I miss finishing a good book and just taking a deep breath cause you accomplished something. And you are able to shut the final page.
* I miss when I was able to forgive and forget.
* I miss the part of innocence I lost when I realized not everyone cares.
* I miss the lies and the lies and the lies that you all told me.
* I miss long phone conversations filled with nothing.
* I miss the feeling that their is still hope.
* I miss the feelings I got immediatly when I met certain people. You all made me think atleast intially and maybe still that not everyone is evil and cruel and insensative. That people can still be nice and gentle and caring. Some of you proved me oh so wrong.
* I miss how good it feels to let someone go.
* I miss good dreams.
* I miss holding hands.
* I miss fighting.
* I miss sitting outside my house and talking for hours with select people.
* I miss how great it feels to verbally hurt someone who deserves it.
* I miss JFK :(
* I miss more then any of you could ever imagine.
* I miss getting phone calls just because.
* I miss Krishna.
* I miss old friends that I never see anymore for whatever reason.
* I miss some of the rare fun occasions I had at Rocky.
* I miss feeling complete and carefree.
* I miss smiling and laughing just because I can.
* I miss when I wasn't so superficial.
* I miss burns.
* I miss parties that have occured.
* I miss drowning in your words because I can't help but listen and consume. Because I never forgot anything and I just want to forget..I hate this feeling of losing everything.. Yet its a feeling..I need.
*I miss not having such high paranoia and anxiety.
* I miss Spike.
* I miss Max and Mickey.
* I miss the feeling of not being so betrayed.
* I miss trusting people.
* I miss not doubting EVERY SINGLE WORD you utter.
* I miss.. I miss.. everything that is the past. *sigh* *sigh* :( Help?		  
     
119children| children with heroin eyes
 
"You'll never understand.. The meaning in the end."   
07:37pm 05/02/2004
 
mood: apathetic
music: London After Midnight - Kiss
7 Deadly Sins
Steven Click the link..dammit.
( Read more... )

In other news.. I am going to get a garter snake. I am absolutely in love with these tiny little creatures. And they are very easy to take care of so I am reading. I think this Tuesday I shall purchase him/her.. I get paid Tuesday. <3 <3 <3 Now I need names..hm.		  
     
21children| children with heroin eyes
 
   
09:40pm 04/02/2004
 
mood: crushed
Latest News :
I am fucking stupid. And that is all.		  
     
9children| children with heroin eyes
 
"All we ever wanted..was..everything.."   
07:26am 02/02/2004
 
mood: tired
Yes, I am nothing more then an addict of lyrics. The lyrics below are by two bands I am currently obsessing over.. Alright maybe not obsessing but definetly binging. First would be Switchblade Symphony and the second would be Bauhaus. I am so incredibly tired. 		 
     
8children| children with heroin eyes
 
"Laying in a bathtub full of freezing water.. Wishing you were a ghost."   
08:03pm 29/01/2004
 
mood: nauseated
And you're one to be giving advice..wow. God.. I am so frusterated with everyone right now. Well, ok not everyone.. but close to it. I just wish a certain someone would disappear.. I hate constantly being reminded that they exist. God. GO AWAY! I feel nauseas again.. I have a very interesting lurking feeling.. Something is going to happen soon.. I would almost bet on it. In other news.. I made lots of sign pictures tonight out of boredom.. and i know you all wanna see.

Oh! Time for a pictures and a quiz thing..that I stole from Tiff <3


( Read more... )

What Goth Band Should You Be In? by GothicSidhe
Username
Age
BandThe Cruxshadows
PositionKeybordist
Famous ForYour rockin' platform boots.
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!
  
     
6children| children with heroin eyes
 
"Use me..Holly.."   
09:54pm 28/01/2004
 
mood: nauseated
I just want to vomit right now. God. I thought at one point you were cool and different perhaps.. Now I just want to fucking vomit. Few people will know who I am talking about and thats the point of this entry. GO AWAY. In other news my boss decided to book me Friday, Saturday, and Sunday..hooray for barely getting a weekend. Blah. I miss Robert. Blah. 		 
     
12children| children with heroin eyes
 
"How are you ever going to relate?"   
11:29pm 09/01/2004
 
mood: loved
I just got done reading the journal Holly kept for me when she went to Kentucky. I seriously don't think I have ever felt more loved and more special then I do right now. Wow. Holly, I am so glad I have you.. You are the bestest twin anyone could ever ask for. I remember how much I missed you while you were in Kentucky and how those two weeks went by SO SLOW. And how happy I was when you replied to my comments and when you wrote me e-mails and when you called me. No one could ask for a better twin then the one I have..NO ONE. Holly = The Greatest Person I Have Ever Met.
<3 <3 		 
     
21children| children with heroin eyes
 
 
pezjunkie
 
 
skip