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The Mars Volta - Roulette Dares (The Haunt Of) |
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man, its been a crazy period of my life lately. im glad ive been hanging out with old friends so much more. but at the same time its sad that i dont get to see matty, i miss him. blah blah from erins view i ignore him and whatever, shes just unreasonable, and never comprimising on visitation, so i take whatever shit talkin w/ a grain of salt, it isnt like what she says matters much, nor her herself, but i feel i have to say at least something to avenge my name, anyfuckingways
she told me that shes got a b-day party for him setup, thats awesome, livejournal feels weird these days, since for some unknown reason i feel like i cant really type ALL and whom ive been doing, just seems wrong and i dont know why, but i wont let it get to me. its nice being free, ill finally be able to hit on those chicks in thc when i get there, and be on the internet, closer to my son, have a means of transportation. i thought as fast as possible in the process of being single and getting out n about, that i would have tried to get laid even more so then i am, but oddly it hasnt been a high priority.
im working at burger king in cloverdale for a couple of weeks before i hopefully get to terre haute, get a paycheck or two. BK sucks but hey least im putting foward an effort, as much of a effort as i can, i still have to take short 5 min breathers to get through, but im proud of my self since theres people i know who are perfectly capable of working and are just lazy. im back up to about 130lbs now same as what i weighed before the collapsizing of zhe lung exept now i have a small lil belly and none of what small amount of muscle i had to start out with, but im gonna get to buisness on that soon, T.J. has practically been living at my parents with me, its like im 16 all over again.. otherwise if he wasnt here i be bored as fuck all day long, helps pass the time, actually time just flies day in and days out i wont know time went by, i havnt got much to do, erin might say i avoid visiting my son, but in logical reality its simple, my parents just put out over $3,000 on what the insurance didnt cover of my $50,000 hospital bill, and frankly they dont have money for me to be putting gas in the huge 3.8l V6 station wagon to drive to terre haute all the time, for the most part when me and erin talk we at least arnt yelling at each other, or least im not wasting my energy yelling, im not sure how much and what ill do with livejournal posting since i think the bulk of people who have read my posts in the past have prolly been turned against me with her overexaggerated remarks, at a time when i dont have much internet access to defend my side of the story, and even if i was to do it right now, it'd prolly be to late, anyways im dwelling on stupid subjects.
THE MARS VOLTA: these guys are THE NEW MUSIC, my belief id that theyre the best new band in the last decade, its like at the drive in meets santana, meets mr. bungle, meets pink floyd, it fucking amazes me, so many rich cultural almost ethnic drivin beats, and having flea sit in for bass on the studio album helps the sound alot also.
all my shit is up at rorys in terre haute, its going to be the best thing when i move in, fucking a nice place i can be proud of, a setup by men for men, no stupid bitch rules, toilet seat stays up, vacums are a rarity, yet its not one so bit trashy in fact theres thousands upon thousands of dollers in nice, nice things, yummy...
soon i will start paying child support, erin said i should be getting a letter in the mail soon but i havnt, so very very soon im just going to have to go talk to vigo cnty courthouse and see whats up, i have no contest in paying support, after all it is my son, (just wonder why she verbally swore that she would not take our situation to the courts) one thing i didnt quite understand is erin told me she had to apply to keep insurance for the both of them.. maybe im wrong but i know im not, hoosier healthwise has him covered till hes 18, and it makes me wonder (and erin im not saying this mean) but what is honestly stopping you from getting health insurance from an actual job like most the world, now i hope she dont read this and get all crappy, im not trying to piss her off, its just my journal and its what i type, prolly be smart idea to just take her name off my friends list, to stop arguments before they start.
but theres just some things i need to type, to get off my chest, like how a little under a month ago my docter said i can work but only 4hrs max a day, shes doesnt want me working a full shift untill february, now i cant wait that long and im going to push myself to do more hours sooner then im supposed to,even right now at burger king i am, medically im ahead of scheduale, but erin told me over phone that i was in essence using that as a crutch and i could have been working a while ago. now i dont mean to be rude but how many of you people reading this know someone other then me who has had a lung collapse, or had it happen to themselves? this isnt some small cold or flu that the whole town can relate to, and i say untill youve had it happen to you, and your in these shoes, shut the lard of your lips right now
erin had also told me theres no way matty would go over to rory's because quote-unquote its a "drug house" when in reality theres more drugs in that basement of the house on monterey and oak that matty is living in then would ever be at rory's, (i could most likely prove it any day of the week) im not talking about to cops or being a narc, just standing up for myself infront of my parents and good friends, come on were talking about a guy who DOESNT smoke weed, he is on probation. and then me not being there watching matty thing, well 1st off yes we did leave for at most 5 minutes to mcdonalds, #2 i'll quote erin "...and he could have cried for 3 hours and she wouldnt have heard him.", now logically being gone for 5 mins is alot shorter then 3 hrs, im not saying i used to best judgement or did the right thing... but the subtle shift between real life occurances and then her typing it on LJ get blown way out of porportion, to add to the effect that im a bad person, and 3rd the baby never cried. will i do that again, no i wont, but if your going to announce my flaws, at least report it to the world accuratly, and im pretty pretty sure that along with child support i WILL have the RIGHT to take my son to my residence during visitations if i so wish (or my parents in cloverdale), erin gives me the impression that i am unable to do that, i will definatly spend alot of time reading child placement laws or what not once im settled into thc, i mean as far as a track record ive NEVER been in a wreck my driving record is flawless. and man now this is old news and i dont really know what to make of it, but a month or so ago (maybe longer) erin had pushed me (obviously not hard cause shes a woman, but enough to count in the eyes of the law) and also threatened to have some "one" "smash my face in" (im guessing a new male friend, maybe the one she was kind of seeing, that got his arm shot or something, im clueless...), im baffled as to why she would act like that, that sounds like some highschool "my friend will beat you up" kind of thing, very immature and also technically ILLEGAL, not really an adult way of handling a confrontation, since ive never once threatened her with violence, ever. violence doesnt solve anything, its true, i felt i had to do the right thing and at least report it to the terre haute police, just incase she did try to have me physically harmed, i even told the cop, i doubted anything would come from the situation, but just in case, there would be proof, im trying to cover all my bases here, its one my lawyer always emphasized. and i do have the letter of notification of victimization
now in typing this im betting that i might get some type of respnse from her on all this, hopefully not, i dont want to argue. but i had to tell the real deal, people in LJ land will believe what they want to but least theres another view. honestly our interaction lately has went smoother than before, and i hope it continues to do so, she is a great mother to that beautiful boy, ive never doubted that, but ive always felt to her everything is black and white in comparison, and she just cant grasp the concept of an even bigger area inbetween black and white called grey, or metaphorically "logical reasonable reality" you know? looking at things as fact and in a scientific approach, other then opinion, cause opinions are like assholes, everybody has their own... if ive pissed you off or offended you erin please accept my apology right here, and dont try to get a last word in, im just trying to stress that im am in no way trying to provoke or piss you off.
just venting, im very pleased that things are almost oppisate of 3 or 4 months ago, we was together, and it felt like bitchfest '04, now were apart and we talk calmly to each other, i wouldnt have acted like such a fool after getting out of the hospital if i woulda relized how awesome it is to not be with you anymore, i was just attached, but im glad you ended it, i have more overall confidence in myself now
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flirty
depressed
high
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accomplished
nostalgic
its kinda cold in here
awake
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