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Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
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10:29 pm - 3s
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Didn't I say when famous people die, they die in 3s.... Richard Briggs died. Not to sound to morbid, but I was wondering who the 3rd person would be, and when. Just updating...
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| Thursday, May 20th, 2004
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6:10 pm - RIP Alex Nelson
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Juile.. I know you digged them, Lizzy Borden.
Alex Nelson, on and off guitarist for Lizzy Borden, died May 17th in a car accident. In one report I read it said he might have been drunk, but then there's been word from his wife saying he was tested negitive. Either way.. RIP Alex... RIP.... You will be so missed. Thank you for sharing your talent and entertaining us. You were such a great guy and I'm glad I was able to meet and talk with you. My condolences go out to your family and friends, and wife. It seems when someone famous dies, it goes by 3s. They always seem to die off in 3s. Tony Randall, Alex Nelson... hate to say this.. but, who's next.. :( But ti's true, look back, who died when Ty Longely died? Johnny Cash died, John Ritter died... =(
http://www.Lizzyborden.com
"If there's a Rock n Roll heaven, you know they got one hell of a band"
current music: Lizzy Borden - Visual Lies
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| Monday, May 10th, 2004
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10:28 pm - I don't know how I'm supposed to feel
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there's this song:
You give me your smile
A piece of your heart
You give me the feel I've been looking for
You give me your soul
Your innocent love
You are the one I've been waiting for
I've been waiting for
We're lost in a kiss
A moment in time
Forever young
Just forever, just forever in love
When you came into my life
It took my breath away
Cause your love has found it's way
To my heart
Ooh, ahh
Ooh, ahh
You make me dream
By the look in your eyes
You give me the feel, I've been longing for
I wanna give you my soul
All my life
Cause you are the one I've been waiting for
I've been waiting for so long
When you came into my life
It took my breath away
And the world stopped turnin' round
For your love
When you came into my life
It took my breath away
Cause your love has found it's way
To my heart
Into my heart
Just forever in love
When you came into my life
It took my breath away
And the world stopped turnin' round
For your love
When you came into my life
It took my breath away
Cause your love has found it's way
To my heart
When you came into my life
When you came into my life
It took my breath away
And the world stopped turnin' round
For your love
When you came into my life
It took my breath away
Cause your love has found it's way
To my heart
But I don't love him like that. I love him, but in a friendship way.
I got to become good friends with someone. Well, he likes me, but I told him, that it just won't happen. But I do care for him. So, he gets a girlfriend, and he realizes he needs to stop talking to me. Stop talking to me, to get over me. He may start talking to me again, but it'll never be the same. All the jokes, and things said and done. I feel has if it's over. I know our friendship took a huge blow, I just have this hope it'll get fixed and we can go on like we did before. But we won't will we? Maybe I do like him a little? No. I love him, I do. He's like the kind of friend, if I wanted, I'd run and get a hug from him, watch a movie with nothing sexual going on. hah, really though. He's awesome like that. But.. geez.. it's over now. I wish I could want him like he wants me to want him. To keep things like they were. But I just can't. AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like a piece of trash with shit on it. I hate myself.
So gwar was rad. San Diego's show was 21 and up and the guys couldn't get me in. Eh. it's okay. I still love them. Whiskey A Go Go was all ages though! whoot. Good show, good show. I'll post some pictures later from the Florida shows.. HALLOWEEN TOUR.. SOON!!! whoot, better start sucking dick for money again...
current mood:  crushed
current music: Killer Dwarfs - Doesn't Matter
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| Thursday, April 15th, 2004
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9:01 pm - GWAR!
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Wow! So it's been awhile, well, a really long freaking time since I have last updated. I just find myself so discombobulated (sp?) that I don't do much of anything anymore. I work, go on here for a few, take a nap, visit my mom, and sleep. Repeat. So what has been going on.
Well, first off, I didn't win any Darkness tickets, which sucks because I really want to freaking see them!!! Grr!
GWAR IS TOURING! That's right ladies and gents. Check out Pollstar or Ticketmaster for dates. GWAR IS FUCKING COMING! I'm flying to Florida for the Tampa, Ft.Lauderdale and Orlando shows. I'm then flying my sister Lisa out here in May (may 5th which is her b-day and may 6th) for two more shows. And and and.. They will be touring again this fall! GWAR!! RAWR! *purrs* I'm so excitied! IF ANYONE CAN GET AHOLD OF BRANDY PLEASE TELL HER GWAR IS IN TOWN IN TAMPA APRIL 20th!!!
Next, July. Hmm Sludgin in LA! Cruefest! whoot! So it's 4 days a bunch of weird psycho people, that I absolutely love! and some I even desire rawr! In a non scary way. 4 days of absolute fun! my first appereance has Sludgette of the Year. haha! i'm finally out and about with my sludge folks! I can't wait!
Cali is still lame. But eh. What can one do ya know? I got a $.75 raise at my job, plus a guarentee $.50 every hour so at the end of 3 months I'll geta bout 200 bucks in tips. So, that's good! very good. Oh even better Billy Squier's In The Dark just came on! Anyway, what else. I get to see a certain someone kinda soon and.. hook up! hehe.. *evil grin* Much ravage will be going on! heh! Oh oh and I get to see someone else soon. He keeps popping up in my draems. "In my dreams it's still the same, your love is strong and still remains" I'll take my dreams for everything they are worth and hold them. Because I know they are the closest I'll be to him again. Giant - I'll See You In My Dreams, another great song. Last night's dream was really good. I was able to truely feel emotion, feel, touch, and even smell. My hair was freshly washed, I smelled that. I smelled my perfume, Beautiful. When we were hugging and he picked me up, I really felt his arms holding me, and when he kissed my neck. It wasn't no erotic or sex dream, just really sweet. My dreams are all I have. So I cherish them. Good times. Maybe that's why I'm sleeping a lot. I'm still not doing well out here. I sleep a lot. But when sleeping I have these dreams and it just makes me happy. Blah!
Good times ahead of me! I can not wait! GWAR and Metal Sludge sludgin' in L.A. Today sucked though....
current mood:  sad
current music: Johnny Cash - Hurt
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| Thursday, February 12th, 2004
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6:45 pm - Random Ramblings
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Well, rocker boy seemed like he was interstead, and I think if I just had a car and was able to go and see him things would have been better. He's gone right now, off doing a tour. I talked to him briefly before his last day. A very quick and sad convosation. I'm not giving up though, because I think he still digs me, he's just been real busy lately cause of this tour he had to go on.(i hope) Rocker boy is not a failure yet. the first guy i was with... Do I really need to get into this? The second one it was fun while it lasted (haha not very long at all!! lol!) But hey it was fun and I enjoyed it. All left on good terms. I just don't think I'll be seeing the 2nd guy anytime soon, which is sad. He was really cool. So my friend thinks I need to find a guy who lives near by and near my age. Why? The people I live around all suck, none of the guys are near my type, and they are all young. Like 16-23. I know I'm only 20, but my guy has to be atleast 4 years older than me. 5 is better actually. If I could find a guy near my age who was into the same stuff I was into, course I'd be all bout him, but there are none. So that's why I go to the older guys, plus they are just better in general. ;) So anyway. I'm quitting my job. yay! Getting a real waitressing job. Save money quicker so I can get a car faster. So I can drive to LA!! Gwar tour coming up soon! I could die for joy. But if I get a car I don't think I'll have enough money to go to many Gwar shows. So I'm in a rut. I need to win the lotto or have people take up a collection for me. Yeah, that's a great idea. How about you all donate about 5 bucks or so to me, and then get your friends to do it for me. Come on, everyone has atleast 5 bucks in their pockets. Don't you want to see me happy? Of course you do, now get out there and get me money.. please.. :) :) I also need to save money for health insurance. I'm fading so fast who knows if I'll make it to the Gwar tour. (don't worry, ya'll will get a refund) I also need dental and vision insurance. My retainer isn't really working anymore. I think the wire moved. Meh... And I'm almost out of contacts. God someone, I need money. I think I'll buy a lottery ticket. What the hell right? Might has well give it a shot. Life is still miserable here in Cali. My mom is out here, which is nice, but her and my dad's divorce is just falling apart. He gave her a list of shelters to live in. After 28 years of marriage. Give me a break. He loved her for so long and this is what he does. His new g/f is probably twisting him. He doesn't want to pay her alomony either. She's really sick, she can't work because she's sick. And he doesn't want to support her. He's living with his g/f, has a roof over his head, food, a car, furniture, and shit and my mom has nothing. She has to sell and put stuff in storage. It's a huge mess and it sucks. I know my dad and I never really got a long, so it's easy for me to be like, dude dad you're being an asshole. But for my sister here in Cali. she's sensitive about it, and my other sister.. you know she was strandend at the airport and he refused to pick her up and then proceeded to yell at her, and they always got along best. Things are so fucked up. So that and then stress between a new job, the car, gwar tour, my sister, being sick with all these stupid things, and rocker boy (god I hate saying that!! but I'm too paranoid for names) life isn't shaping up much. But all I have to say is "I'm Sludgette of the Year" and life doesn't seem too bad for awhile.
current music: Alice Cooper - Die For You
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| Monday, January 26th, 2004
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4:35 pm - SOTY
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soo..... the results are in at Metal Sludge..... and.. I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm Sludgette of the Year! Thank yous for voting for me!! Sludgette of the Year. God, this year has really gotten off to a god start. Saw Gwar on my birthday, Sludgette of the Year and Iron Maiden in a couple more days!!
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| Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
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6:04 pm - SOTY
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This is only for like 2 people. I lost your e-mail addys. But remember when I was Sludgette of the Month for the website Metal Sludge. Well, they got the year thing going up now, Sludgette of the Year. I know you two kinda like the site, and you're my friends, and I showed you when I was Sludgette of the Month, so I was wondering if you could go and vote for me for Sludgette of the Year. I don't know if you still randomly check the site out, but if ou haven't voted yet. Vote for me. :) Not like you'd vote for any one else. so.. www.metal-sludge.com You can't miss the link to start the voting. It's says vote now for the sludge choice awards. Something like that. So click that, and you'll see all the different categories. So yay! Stalker Jr.! That's me. :) I love you guys.
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| Sunday, December 21st, 2003
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6:26 pm
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| Friday, December 19th, 2003
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9:37 pm
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I had this update/insite on what's been going on. But has I was about to post it, all I could think was "Does anyone care Amy?" "Really, think about it." So I thought about it. I don't think anyone really cares. Now is this my fault, have I removed myself from my friends? Or was I erased from their pictures? Either way I didn't post. So I'll give a quick update just to show and prove I didn't curl up in a cornor and die.
I had everything and lost it all. I lost the guys, I lost my life, and I lost my friends. Sure there are cool people here in San Diego, but none that know me like some of the people knew me in Florida. Those people in Florida that knew me, knew me. You knew just about everything there was too me. Wether or not it took months, a year, or even a couple of weeks. We were friends for a reason, we were alike or we understood eachother. We had fun hanging out. And don't sit there and be like oh I never had fun hanging out with Amy. I sit here and has pathedic has it may sound I wish I could turn back time and relive those days. In school I had more attention and friends than I do here. And in school I wasn't Miss Popular. So Amy move back here where your friends are. Well, everyone has moved on with their lives, gotten new friends, and I'm out of the picture. So Amy, why don't you move on? Because I can't. I see no reason to move on. There is no one to move on for. No more guys, no friends, nothing. Meh! I'm not sad right now, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm just stating what's up. I'm not all emotionally damaged. It just flat out sucks. I don't like change. Moving to Cali. was a change. Bigger than I thought. I thought I'd still remain friends with my Florida friends. No. I lost my best friend. And everyone should know how hard those are to come across. So what's left now?
So it's not the short sweet version, but not the version I had written. In short, I almost regret moving here. If I knew I'd lose my friends I don't think I would have moved here. Thanx though, for sticking by long enough. I survive off pictures and thoughts. So thanx for all the good memories. Maybe now I can try to move on again.
current mood:  nostalgic
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| Sunday, October 19th, 2003
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8:43 pm - Gone with the wind, like yesterdays song.
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Times like these I wish I had someone to call, or someone was online. The end of Gwar is soon. I have this awful feeling. I'm going to puke I think. DBX actually, but I think also GWAR. I'm not starting rumors, I'm not saying this based on facts or something Someone told me. No need to be like, Hey so and so, Amy says you guys are over. All I'm saying is, I had a bad dream, and it scared me. Not only that, but I after my bad dream, I got a phone call. The phone call resulted in my heart being ripped out of my chest and crushed with bare hands into a puddle of mush on the ground. No longer salvagable, no tape, no one, no glue, no nothing will fix it. Not even time. Why isn't anyone online?! It's not going to be alright, I'm not going to get through this. I'm really not going to be okay, and it scares me...
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| Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
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9:16 pm - After The Fall
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Plans are still in effect for the move on Oct.31st. Blarg. Oh well, atleast I'll be closer to work. Quite a few of the people there like me. Two of them are really stoked me moving closer, they have all these plans for hanging out. hehe, I love them, they're great kids. And my sister won't hate me so much now. She tweaks out on me for getting up early, for having to drive so much, for having no money because of gas (I do help for gas) and it just gives her something else to take her anger out on. Such bullshit I tell you.
So, I went to this kick ass concert, G3. Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, and Yngwie Malmsteen. Billy Sheehan was there too. I can't thank Billy enough for getting me in. It was such an awesome show. If this show ever comes to your town see it. It might already be sold out though. I was able to meet all the guys. I thought I was going to cry when I mete Steve Vai. I felt my throat get a lump and my eyes were glistening. But I didn't cry, I wasn't going to be "that" fan anymore. Though crying always seemed to work. Damnit I wish I could cry on command.
I've been thinking of ways for me to get to NY for the GWAR museum, really thought it would happen. It's not happening, I knew it would happen but I kept hoping. Evern after I admitted to being defeated. My sister is going to dangle a picture of me on her video camera. I'll be there in spirit. Hopefully the guys will play a few east coast shows. I know I can hit those up. Give me a chance to save up my money. 12/4/03 TSO will be in town, so I want to take my sister to that concert. It's such a beautiful concert. Maybe, just maybe, if I can get to L.A. I'll ask a certain someone if they want to see the show, cause I can only make it to the L.A. show and see if he wants to go with. (and a new plan is in effect) There's also this rad book being sold on Metal-Sludge. The entire 80's sence from Hollywood. *drools* Must...have.....book. Only 30 bucks. I get paid on Friday, so I'll get it Saturday. I'm depressed, I will once again buy tons of shit to make me feel better. Though I want to strive for a car. My friend comes back from tour Mid Novemember and I need to drive to L.A. so I can see him. I've asked for bass lessons from him. For you know, when that Skid Row tribute band works out. For all these good things happening, my life is still miserable. I have to move to L.A. I have to be happy you know.
Today was my day off, I went through my old phone book and called some people. my old friend Sarah "ozzy" she's doing real good. She's um, a bit different now. She's a complete born again Christian, to the point of where I was getting scared. But she's happy, so I'm happy for her too! I feel weird calling her Ozzy though because she won't listen to any of that music she used to listen to. She's still into guitars and bass, so that's rad. Has a boyfriend who went back to his home, in Japan. My little Ozzy.. but she's happy. Got ahold of my old rolling friend, my partner in crime Jamie. She's doing great too. Doesn't roll as much anymore, still with the same boyfriend, she's real happy. Everyone is happy. I want to be happy too damnit!! I know what makes me happy I just can't do it. Traveling, seeing concerts, seeing L.A. all this makes me happy, and I don't care if I don't get a car and I have to take a bus, I want to do what makes me happy. And I'm glad I know what makes me happy and I'm trying to do it, before I get caught up too much in this working life and don't have time for happiness and I sit on my porch and wonder about, what could have been. My sister keeps me from being happy. I want to trick or treat, I want to have fun. "NO! You are too old for that Amy, get over it, you're in the real world now." That's the kind of shit I have to hear. I love her, I really do. I just get so fed up and annoyed sometimes. She's almost 30, I'm not ever fucking 20 yet! She's ready to settle down, I'm just now trying to live my life. Do you see now why it's so difficult for me living here, and why I'm just miserable. We are totally clashing, it's not working out. I need to venture off on my own. And I will. I'll get a 2nd job if I have to get more money, or well, quit the one I have now and get a better paying one. We'll see.. I went off on a ramble.
"After the Fall"
"And if I could wish upon that star, I would find what you dream, then ask god to grant it.."
"Try I have tried, to pretend that I don't care
But then, sleep arrives,
And in every dream I find you there
But I don't want the past to be my life
And I don't want to live inside this night
But I don't want to see your shadow fade
So I sleep and I dream
Though I don't understand it.."
I love him, and always will. Has much as I want to try and move on, I can't. I just find it damn near impossible. I kissed someone. For the second or two it lasted, All was forgotten and only thought of that kiss and how happy and relieved it made me feel, I felt okay falling for someone else. After that kiss I felt happy, but then regret, anger towards myself, and sadness kicked in. How could I do that? How could I let myself fall for another man, when I'm still in love with another? Is it okay for me to still love this other man, forever and with my whole heart, but still beable to move on a little? I like this new guy. I don't think anything will ever become of it, nothing big atleast. He is older and who knows if age bothers him. But the point being, I let myself fall for another man, when I swore I never would. Am I begining to get over the old flame, dare I say. He'll never be an old flame, he's the constant flame in my heart. I feel bad about the kiss, yet I loved it. "And time washes clean loves wounds unseen" or "You're out of sight but always on my mind" He's not around, so I fall for someone else. But I know once I see him, everyone else who I let in my life will be forgotten. Or will they? In a way I don't ever want to get over him. But I know I have to let myself move on, but I just don't want to, and can't. I want to forever love him. Someone call me pathedic, please... haha I know I am. I'm a sap, I'm a hopeless romantic. He said the right things, did the right stuff, and I was his. Did he not read my Metal Sludge interview?! lol! Just kidding. Okay, it's just about 10pm. Time for bed. I go to bed early because there's no food, so why stay awake and starve, when I can sleep and not think about hunger. I found out the first day is the hardest day. The 2nd day isn't too bad, and by the 3rd day of not really eating, it's okay. I don't even feel hungry, and I have engery. (yeah I'm running on empty) You get over the hunger pains. I want to see and do all before I die.
;)
current mood:  drained
current music: Satriani, Sheehan, Vai, Peturcci - La Grange
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| Sunday, September 28th, 2003
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10:02 pm - Mad World...
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This song could just sum it up. (mad world, from donnie darko, also it was played in Without a Trace) Anyway, I left off before I took off to Florida. I saw DBX 4 more times in Florida. It was so much fun, but yet, very heart wrenching. I don't want to come off as a psycho, but I really love them. As I was walking away from their van, I lost it, it was waterfalls forever. My mommy brought me cranberry juice to go with the vodka she had at her Apt. She loves me. So, all this fun I had following around the guys, seeing a great show every night, hanging out,*EDIT* Since Sept. 7th, I can't feel a thing. Songs that normally make me cry, don't. No feeling, no emotion. I have no anger, no sadness, I can't even think. It's strange. I don't really know how to really explain it. I don't know why I let myself get emotionally attached. I can't believe I wrote this in my journal. *EDIT* Oh geez.. look at me. What have I become.. So anyway, moving on. Life hasn't gotten much better. I did get a raise. I now make 7.50 for a "manager" position. Meh. I know I could be making more somewhere else, but they love me there, and if I want time off, by god I get time off. :) It has it's advantages. Novemember 1st I'll be in a new apartment with my sister and her boyfriend. This should be very fun. *sarcasim mode turned on* They should make this a reality TV Show.. haha. I have been making plans to move to L.A.. While in FL. I decided I'm going to be in a tribute band. No really. But I'd have to move back to FL to be with my bandmates. Ehh, I don't know how serious one of them is. So I was talking to a girl out here, and she wanted to start up a Skid Row Tribute band. I told her if she needs a Scott or Rachel get in touch. We shall see what becomes of this. If it happens, I'll be moving to L.A. I need to go out there for a weekend, look at the housing/apartments, see if there's anyone needing a roommate. Then see what jobs are near, blah blah. I got a few people out there that have offered me help. I'll see how living with my sister and her boyfriend goes. If things are complete crap, I'm outta there. Moving on... I'm finally getting a tattoo. Not for awhile, but I figured out what and where. It's a start. Now I need to save money. I've been buying like mad on Ebay. I was supposed to save up for a plane ticket to NY for the Gwar Museum and show, but my sister can't do it, and I can't do it alone. :( So now I'll just save up for the tattoo and piercing. I'm really digging the eyebrow, so I think I'm gonna go for that. I also want my belly button pierced. Rambling again. About nothing, yet everything. Tomorrow, another day at work. Arrive at 7am, sleep til 9am when I have to clock in and work. I actually become sick when I walk into my store. I'll be perfectly fine until I walk in there. It's amazing. Know what else is amazing? That I'm still alive.
current mood:  numb
current music: Sepultura DVD in backround
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6:55 pm - finally a cool survey..
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First off have you ever been to a concert?: Yes
How many: oh geez, probably in the high 30's, maybe even 40's. I don't have ticket stubs for all my shows.
How old were you when you went to your first concert?: 15-16 (Orgy)
When was the last concert you went to: Sept. 6th - DBX
Who have you seen in concert and where were they playing?: Orgy, whoever has played at Warped Tour, Poison, Skid Row, Gwar, DBX, Tesla, Jackyl, Vince Neil, Alice Cooper, TSO, Savatage, (keep in mind, I've seen these all more than once) Lizzy Borden, Anthrax, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Motorhead, Dio, Saigon Kick, Lefty, Saturday's Child, Cattle Decapitation, Bloodlet, Six, Britney Spears and quite a few others...
Has a concert you were going to ever been canceled: not that I can recall
Postponed?: Yeah. It was around the sept. 11th bombings, and they held the show off for a bit.
Have you ever had front row seats: Not front row, but front and center of the GA, right infront of the stage. But for seatings, nah, can't get front row.
Been on stage: Does after the show count? oh oh wait. Yes I have. I was in the back, it was rad seeing the show from the band's point of view.
Been crowd surfing: Yes
Been in a mosh pit: Of course
Passed out at a concert: Yup
Bought a item of clothing,paper,inc.?: Countless items.
Left a concert before it ended: not that I can recall...
Paid 6 bucks for water: Nope, I have always seemed to get free water. ;)
10 bucks for beer?: Underage
Done drugs at a concert: Nope
Went to a concert you didn't enjoy: Why would I spend money on it? (no)
Felt pain in the back of your neck after atending a concert: Oh yeah! Pretty much all concerts.
Was it from the mosh pits?: Yes
Head banging?:Yes
-----Would you see?-------
System of a down?: Yes
Linkinpark?: No
NIN: Yes
Manson?: Yes
Rob Zombie?: maybe..
slipknot?: No
Metallica?: Ew, maybe before they cut their hair.
AC/DC?: Hell yeah
Orgy?: Yes.
papa roach?: No
Disturbed?: nah
Britney Spears?: Hell yeah! Already Have!
Any thing that has to do with pop or hip hop and rap?: Britney Spears :)
Next show you plan on attending? No freaking clue....
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, August 29th, 2003
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10:04 pm
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| Sunday, August 24th, 2003
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11:16 pm - Oh I believe in yesterday...
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Well, I went to the DBX concert. It was so much fun! I got to see all my boys. I love them so much. I really do. It was a little heartbreaking because, nothing will ever be the same, it won't be like the past. I wish I could go back and see what happened, what went wrong, what I could have done to make it better. Probably nothing. But, back to the concert. I had so much fun, got to see my friend Muddy. And to think, I get to see this show 4 more times. I leave for Florida real soon. Got to start packing. IRON MAIDEN! 2 more fucking days! I can not wait. I wish Chrissy was a little more excitied about this show. It's bumming to go to a show when the person you're with won't really "rock out" with you. They kinda bring ya down.. you feel weird if they are just kinda standing there. I hope I got kick ass people sitting next to me at this show. I love meeting people at concerts, they are some of the most intersting people you meet, them and the band. .. meh, my sister started this new job, and she has to be there at 8am. Meaning, up at 6am, leave at 630am, I arrive at work at about 7am, giving her a hour to get through traffic to be at work at 8am. I need a new job. Not yet though, I get 6 vacation days off every year I work there. I've been there about 8 months now. I figure, I'll work there a year, then take off all 6 vacation days at once, and do my trip to L.A. Chrissy would drop me off at my hotel in L.A. and she'd go back to SD. The hang out with the people I made plans with. It has a lot of working out to do. But I just thought of it last night. Needs much more work. but It'll be so much fun! Okay.. 6am is nearing..
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| Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
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10:44 pm - Where do I begin?
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Well, living in Cali. has been hell. Too much stress, I relasped back into depression. My body isn't as strong as my will, so it crashed. Wound up in the hospital. I just got really sick. My disease flared up when the stress and emotional damage got to be too much. I get piad shit at my job. I'm a fucking baby sitter there pretty much. (shift leader/manager) It's crap. My sister is like, we won't live as sisters, we live as roommates. oh.. gee.. thanx. I dunno, my life is falling to pieces, yet, I can't go back to Florida. Why? It's like an abusive relationship. Oh, but I love him.. things will change! Don't mind those black and blues on my body and soul.. It'll work out. And all the while people around me are shaking their heads. meh.. what am I to do? I'm trapped.
I go to shows. I hit up Metal Sludge's concert. it was rad. PBF, Enuff Z'nuff, Faster pussycat! Rock! Met a lovely man there. ahhh, so sweet, so nice. he still calls me. :) I hope to see him in late Sept. or Early Oct. But oh no.. remember Mike? hehe,well, he's coming to town, and I'll be seeing him, and flying out to Florida to see him. Too much shit is going on, and I can't even gather my thoughts right.. All I do is sit here and get songs from the internet..
Beatles - Yesterday
Bread - The Guitar man
Elton John - Believe
Dan Fogelberg - Leader of the Band
Elton John - Tiny Dancer
Acid Bath - Scream of the Butterfly
Jimmy Eat World - Crimson and Clover
Joan Jett - I Hate Myself for Loving You
Kid Rock & Crow - Picture
Kix - Tear Down the Walls
Queen - Who Wants to Live Forever
Queensryche - Silent Lucidity
Rod Stewart - This Old Heart of Mine
just a few of the songs on repeat lately that get me through. They don't really, but they take me away to a better place where everything is gonna be okay and work out.. or maybe that's the pot and alcohol? maybe all 3? Who knows, my life is so fucked up right now. I don't blame my friends for not wanting to talk to me. I'm on this self destructive road.. Atleast I know I have a problem. I'm purposely hurting myself, only, not knowing I am. Like. I'm meeting this guys, knowing it's gonna end in heart break, but I don't care.. I care, but I try not to. I'll wound up crying every night being sad, I put myself in that position, so why am I bitching? Because it's like an addict. I know it's wrong, I can't stop, no matter the pain and burden I will have. I love them (I love you, but I'm not in love with you? ahhh summer school rocked..) My job is slowly killing me, my hair mass is probably less, and will be turning grey soon, I can see the wrinkles emerging on my face, my body is so tired, and it shows. I weigh less than a feather. So why not move? I don't know. I'm sorry, but I don't know what I can't leave. I love my sister, and I love Cali. Driving home from work, (well, in the shotgun seat) Looking out the window, the beautiful sunset against the mountains, the water, it's so peaceful looking, so gorgeous, the atmosphere, LA is so close.. It's just hard. I love my sister even though she doesn't care about me much. She needed me so she could sort out her life. She sorted it out, I'm not needed anymore. she says she's glad I'm here, but she has a funny way of showing it. She's taking advantage of me being here, once/if I'm gone, maybe she'll realize it? Who knows. Her life revolves around Brian. Brian Brian Brian BRIAN!!! MEH! FUCK YOU!!!!!!! I want my sister back. FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU! =( It's not fair. she pays him all this attention and me none. He buys her all this shit.. food, something to drink, while I starve. It's so hard to explain.. Hard to put in words so you understand what's happening.. Just wish I had someone to talk to..
sunshine a house in flames
she likes it where she gets it but it's never felt the same
surgery in the house of dissection
when your candle burns out I will resurrect you
she runs through fields of daisies
yeah it's just a shame that they eat their own babies
who cares cause the air is free
when you get there will you kiss the dead for me?
something cold is forced inside her
a tear spills down her cheek
stillborn songs of a dead dreamer,
hymns of the needle freak
with sunlight in her hair she smiles like she don't care
her dreams are liquid blue
I cut myself again and again to remind myself of you
she smiles like a child with flowers in her hair
with blood on her hands into the sun she stares
she feels it die,
I heard her cry
she smiles like a child with flowers in her hair
with blood on her hands into the sun she stares
she feels it die,
I heard her cry
like the scream of the butterfly.
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Then you listen to the music and you like to stay along
You want to get the meaning out of each and every song
Then you find yourself a message and some words
To call your own and take them home.
He can make you love, he can get you high
He will bring you down then he'll make you cry
Somethin' keeps him movin' but no one seems to know
What it is that makes him go.
Then the lights begin to flicker and the sound is getting dim
The voice begins to falter and the crowds are getting thin
But he never seems to notice he's just got to find
Another place to play, Anyway Got to play, anyway Got to play.
current mood: crushed
current music: Whitesnake - Now you're gone
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| Sunday, June 8th, 2003
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6:55 pm - Rock and Roll can save the world
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12:12 pm - Specialness
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I've finally be honored with the best honor of al.. SLudgette Of The Month. www.metal-sludge.com and then scroll to the bottom to enter the website, and then scroll all the way to the bottom and you'll see me :) I am SOTM. It totally rocks! Only thing that has made me smile and it's been a long time since I last did that. I'm just happy and felt like sharing it with.. my journal.. or anyone who reads it..
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| Wednesday, May 14th, 2003
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1:37 am - I AM the Great Pretender..
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Or I was. I can't wear a mask anymore, I can't keep smiling and pretending somethings aren't happening, i can't brush aside the emotions anymore. I was doing okay, I was in my own little world where everything was gonna be alright, I was gonna make it through the night. I'm not alright, and I question if I'll wake up in the morning. Life in Cali is not great. I'm miserable, i'd probably be better off in Florida where no one gives a shit about me, but atleast they know I'm there. My job isn't paying enough but I can't leave it til I've worked there atleast 7 months. I have to save up for a car, I need to prove I can keep a job for longer than 6 months. My sister constantly runs out on me, leaving me home alone, miserable, lonely, and depressed. I cry too often, I feel like a pussy, but I can't keep it in anymore. I'm just at a loss. She has friends she can run to when she has to, me, I have no one. Why? I can't tell you why. So move back to florida they say. What's in Florida? People who didn't give a shit about me. People who said for 4 years, if you need anything call me, and I'll be there for you. No one was there for me. So why go back? They weren't there for me then, why would they be there for me now. When I left, they missed me. Whine whine, yeah whatever. Walk in my shoes and see if you can keep on going day after day. I dunno why I put myself through this. It's torture. Why can't I stop torturing myself, why can't i just get up and walk away from all of this. I'm glued here, stuck by some strong power. Something or someone wants me here bad enough, to where I keep putting myself through hell, and not changing to make things better. Ahhh, L.A. is so close to me, I taste it's unpureness, it's evil on my tongue and in my mind, I realize why I'm still here. It's just a dream, a stupid dumb dream. It'll never come true. I should move back to Florida. I'm alone again, My sister has up and left me. I hate when she does this. But then again it gives me a chance to cry, not just curl up on my bed with my teddy bear and cry into my pillow, but where I can curl up and cry and not have to worry about someone hearing me and realizing I'm in distress. I'm Amy. I'm no one special, just another girl in this world who can't take much more. Another typical teenager who's life sucks. oh but get this.. I'll be 20 in a few months. Okay, 8 months, but still.. 20 soon, and I can't shake the depression. No pills I'd normally cry, but you know what, My dreams of being in the Military are no more. Infact, I've lost all hope and dreams. It's sad, it's lame sounding, but it's true. I dunno, it's 2am.. I'm rambling... I ran out of Alcohol in the house, so I can't drink. I was okay drinking my sorrows away, but we only have wine, and if I drink wine, i'd probably die. I'm actually allergic to wine. How weird. It sucks, cause right now I could be drunk and passed out, or drunk and not caring about anything. Drinking doesn't solve problems, no, i realize this, but it helps, and I got no one to turn to, no one wants to listen, so I turn to alcohol. At work things are okay, because I don't have time to think about anything else but work. They made me big dog at work. :) I work hard. Come break time, or down time, or after work while i wait for my sister, or before I start, I'm dead, but on the clock i'm busy busy, and life is okay. I work. I come home, I eat (if there's food) watch some TV. Sleep. Repeat. I'm going no where aren't I. I need 10,000 dollars and life would be pretty good. I'd be smiling, I wouldn't have to worry so much about bills, I could just about get a car, or well down payment, I could see concerts, the one thing that makes me happy. I'm being denied concerts, Poison, Iron Maiden, Warrant.. I have no money. Plus, Gwar/DBX will be touring.. Disarray as well, I have no money. "It wasn't like this in her dreams" It'll work out though right? Life can't be this shitty forever, something has got to give...
current mood:  angry
current music: Tesla - Song and Emotion
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| Wednesday, March 26th, 2003
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11:48 pm
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I'm coming back to, well, going back to florida. Yup. Now who do I tell? If I tell you, would you even care? I don't think so. I'm going back, and I won't tell anyone I'm back, you'll just spot me somewhere, call out to me, and I'll keep walking. You may not call out, you'll just look, and be like, Amy's back and she didn't tell me. And when you think that, think this. What is the reason she didn't tell me. Here's your answer, because you wouldn't care anyway.
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