Monday, August 26th, 2002
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9:11 pm
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sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
sometimes i wish i had something to say.
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, August 20th, 2002
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11:48 am
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Thursday, August 8th, 2002
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7:21 pm
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Monday, August 5th, 2002
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12:04 am
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i went to see Boney M perform live.
part of the gay pride weekend here in amsterdam.
it was raining.
there was lots of rainbow unbrellas and boys with short hair and tight shirts.
it was outdoor, cost-free and packed.
i felt a little uncomfortable squeezing by everyone in my little blue track top.
im not sure why and i kinda wish it didnt.
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Thursday, June 27th, 2002
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5:08 pm
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fuck it seems i lost a few entries in this offline editor.
oh well they probably wernt that witty.
i am sitting in the airport waiting for the plane.
which i have had to do a few times lately between amsterdam and frankfurt.
not many flights ago i used to be quite terrified of flying.
the month before i flew to africa i felt ill every day thinking about it.
the same the year before and the year before when i had to fly to hawaii.
and when i was supposed to move to amsterdam the first time i was so scared of flying i almost didnt want to go.
but i refuse to let my fears stop me from doing important things.
usually, its not so bad.
when i had to fly on 5 flights for a total of 45 or so hours of airtime going to south africa and i back i kinda got used to it.
its the easierst when you are totally tired.
then you just dont give a fuck cause you slip into zombie mode.
everything just kinda moves around you and everything is kinda ok.
when i flew back from germany last friday there was the most amazing sunset.
the hot land and smog and clouds here in germany make amazing sunsets.
it was so beautiful i couldnt really bear to photograph it.
i just had to watch it.
i was a sin to try and capture it.
some things are just that way.
ok look flight "fear fear fear sex" to amsterdam is boarding.
thats my flight.
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Thursday, June 13th, 2002
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9:11 pm
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i am overemotional.
not having food/sugars amplifies this considerably.
it makes me quite fragile.
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Wednesday, June 12th, 2002
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7:50 pm
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6:38 pm
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when i moved here i hoped more would change.
in me.
i dont know that much has.
it may be on its way.
i may have not noticed it yet.
i may need to just kinda stop and look.
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(comment on this)
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2:49 pm
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Saturday, June 1st, 2002
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11:11 pm
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friday was spiros last night in amsterdam so we had to go have fun.
and all good nights start with falafels.
ive been in a bit of a bad mood this week cause my knee is fucked and my ribs are bruised because i decided to totally bail on my bike earlier in the week.
fran, tracy, ben and spiro munched on a buncha mushrooms
and fran some herbal speed
and him and tracy some herbal "ecstacy".
and we wandered around the red light.
and sat in a coffee shop and they smoked lots of weed.
and i drank a little.
and for some reason things seemed really clear to me.
i was bored/understimulated and i was really enjoying it.
i could think and it was great.
i wish i had a notepad to write down all the stuff i came up with.
i think it was all the second-hand smoke.
then we went to a way-too-small nightclub that played nothing but 80's top40 kinda danced up.
for awile i enjoyed how much it sucked [for me].
again time to think and reflect.
i used to like to go go shitty nightclubs and watch people.
after an hour or so it got painful and i started smsing myself things like:
"i am slipping beyond that point of clarity into drunken land where the case basic emotions take over blank my mind becomes fuck you"
i duno what 'case' was supposed to be there.. 'bare' i guess. (the joys of the word recognition program)
also "never trust a dj with a moustache"
he looked like freddy mercury
but mostly i was annoyed at how smokey it was
and how bad the music was
and how crammed it was and people kept bumping into me.
but fran was having a really good time so i couldnt bear to suggest leaving.
and i saw this girl who was quite plain...
but in here eyes i saw "the light"
i dont know how to explain it but she was amazing.
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Sunday, May 26th, 2002
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1:06 am
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people ask me...
and i ask myself constantly...
when are you coming back to canada?
im not sure i know
i would like to stay here for a few years
but i dont really have any friends other than fran, tracy and... ben?
if i had a couple fun close-enough friends i could stay here a long time
its a nice place
i feel comfortable
i just miss a few people to do stuff with
i kinda feel bad/weird hanging with tracy and fran all the time
they are great though
i miss mike and dario
i miss graham and ryan
i miss my crew at blast.vancouver
but i like it here
so maybe ill stay till after next summer
maybe ill have friends by then
or maybe ill meet a nice girl and never come back...
know any nice amsterdam girls?
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Friday, May 24th, 2002
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3:28 pm
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now i got a bank account, a video membership and a euro shirt.
i feel a little more at home now.
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Sunday, May 19th, 2002
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10:33 am
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they stole my ".com devil" and "fsck" shirts.
and maybe a openbsd one.
but left shit like the gamecube.
they stole my fucking tshirts and pants.
what the fuck?
now when i hear sounds at night i feel uneasy.
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Saturday, May 18th, 2002
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9:54 am
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somone broke into our apartment and stole some shit.
which hassnt happened to me before and it causes a fairly unpleasant feeling.
you home is supposed to feel safe.
as far as i can tell at this point they stole only a few things of mine: my horizon202 a pair of jeans and some other clothes.
i dont get why they stole my lame clothes... maybe to fill the bag with.
the shit i dont give much care about... sure id rather have the camera than not but its just a thing.
not something i need.
and i can get a new one.
its the thoughts of them coming back again.
of having to share your house with them.
i dont even know if you call the police for stuff like this here.
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Friday, May 17th, 2002
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11:52 am
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i got my haircut today for the first time since i left canada and the first time since early january.
it was a bit of an odd experience for a few reasons i will attempt to explain.
first of all the place tries relaly hard to be cool and trendy.
in their propaganda they say the atmosphere is more like a nightclub than a salon.
(this issnt really true.)
you cant make an appointment... you just go in and sit on the great queue couch.
then whenever somone is done they come to the couch and pick up a client.
the place is quite funky looking though: nice furniture and "art".
all the people are quite funky too.
kunky hair of course, even the boys had their bellies showing and most people wore beach sandals.
the guy who ended up cutting my hair was a master craftsman.
i have real appriciation for people who are really good and passionate about what they do.
this guy spent a good 15 minutes just "texturizing" my head after he was done cutting it.
twisting it into clumps and chopping each one twice with those thining scissors.
doing weird cutting motions up and down my head.
he had a hint of this Cocktail like flair, always spinning his scissors back into the safety of his palm and out again.
when i get your hair cut by somone i dont know i find it a really odd experience.
they just quietly service you.
while you sit there still and 'be serviced'.
then give him money.
it doesnt feel right.
its like getting a blowjob from a prostitute.
at least when you know them and you chit chat a little it feels a little like a social event.
you are just hanging out and they happen to be cutting your hair maybe.
right.
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Thursday, May 16th, 2002
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10:26 pm
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2:54 pm
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everyone needs to listen to Disposable Heroes Of Hiphoprisy.
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Wednesday, May 15th, 2002
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6:05 pm
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oh i got this offline lj client now so i can do entries at home.
i did before sometimes but i always forget to copy them from lj.txt to the site.
and i bought a paid account for a few months so i can look for other nederlanders.
how exciting.
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4:40 pm
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Sunday, May 5th, 2002
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7:15 pm
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"When I'm lyin' in my bed at night
I don't wanna grow up
nothin' ever seems to turn out right
I don't wanna grow up
how do you move in a world of fog
that's always changing things
makes me wish that I could be a dog
when I see the price that you pay
I don't wanna gow up
I don't ever wanna be that way
I don't wanna grow up
Seems like folks turn into things that they'd never want
the only thing to live for is today...
I'm gonna put a hole in my T.V. set
I don't wanna grow up
open up the medicine chest
and I don't wanna gow up
I don't wanna have to shout it out
I don't wanna be filled with doubt
I don't wanna be a good boy scout
I don't wannt have to learn to count
I don't wanna have the biggest amount
I don't wanna grow up
Well when I see my parents fight
I don't wanna gow up
they all go out and drinking all night
and I don't wanna grow up
I'd rather stay here in my room
nothin' out there but sad and gloom
I don't wanna live in a big old tomb
on Grand Street
When I see the 5 o'clock news
I don't wanna grow up
comb their hair and shine their shoes
I don't wanna grow up
stay around in my old hometown
I don't wanna put no money down
I don't wanna get me a big old loan
work them fingers to the bone
I don't wanna float a broom
fall in love and get married then boom
how the hell did it get here so soon
I don't wanna grow up"
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