Tuesday, July 23rd, 2002
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3:50 am - no other lovers to bend just rotten apples to eat
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"and by the way have you heard the words im singing in these songs? its for the girl ive loved all along"
"and i know that i am meant for this world"
i fidn comfort in music that can compare with no other. all i have ever really wanted was just someone who will let me have my music and love the passion right out of it in my own way. someone who will let me drink it up like a cold beer. someone who will understand just what it feels like to be filled with that much passion. through my life i have chosen to surround myself with people who understand my music and feel the energy in their own wonderful hearts. i miss cassy. its maddness but she understands and if you ask me thats awesome. no matter what its something that can never be taken away or destroyed or touched by unclean fuckers who just want to ruin it all. derek understands this. i know he does. from time to tiem i am reminded of that closeness and i know that he feels me and all of my individualisms. and if i could i would tell him that i do understand and that i love him dearly and no mattter what i will always think highly of him as a person and as a friend. in him i feel only trust and warmth. it makes me want to sing and dance and play loud music and hug people and kiss people and touch people and enjoy my life and accept him with welcome eyes and a candy apple heart. the love and the pain and the life of the world is there to be shared throughout the years because i know that in him i can depend on an element of friendship that is like no other. thats my story
hold me close now tiny dancer count the headlights on the highway
do you think that we might last a thousand years if not for this our flesh and blood?
current mood: pleased current music: Pumpkins, the tiny dancer song, mostly Mellon Collie stuff
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Monday, May 6th, 2002
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3:47 pm - i need to see your eyes on me
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ive decided something. i was wish you were here (pink floyd) played at my funeral because i had a vision of death the other day and i was listening to pink floyd so it would be most appropriate. also i have decided that i want to be a dietician. my mom has always wanted me to do that and i have finally come to terms with it and want to.
"you make this all go away im down to just one thing and im starting to scare myself."
"next time i promise we'll be perfect"
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Monday, April 1st, 2002
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11:46 pm - what you said made a mess of me what you said i dont want
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we are together your words are the glue of this catastrophe if i give you one taste of sweet a drop of sunsugar on the tip of your nose will you make your way down this road of aching trees and crying hills i will build you a fountain i will dig you a hole i will bury your head in the sand so filled with rocks are the jars and bricks of this run down lean to every little place you touch your foot to needs some jars and bricks i will tear down those large houses and the gravity of your shortcomings will not exert force upon my soul for i am free and you are only binding and hindering my revolution this revolution will not be one of noise and crime you wont know it but youll be dancing to it your ears will decieve you and out in the rain you will be dancing windshield wipers help us to forget but we can never forget
play mouths of babes adn read this. you may find some common train of thought.
current mood: high current music: Smashing Pumpkins - Obscured
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Friday, March 15th, 2002
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4:07 pm - lost ill stay between your hands and my beliefs
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"since i gave up i feel free"
im on a rant. i miss the way things used to be. i miss my cassy and my michelle and my tara. i miss getting drunk at als and pissing him off "do you know what a fork sounds like...?!!" i miss hick parties. i miss being the three evils. we just arent the same anymore? no one is. somethign has come over everyone. adam told me some stuff that just broke my heart. poor ed. hes too naive to even realize how justin hates him and he has no idea. i dont know how to apologize for this. but i cant do this to my friends anymore. roman couldnt have said it better. today roman was like the people you hang out with and have fun with are always the ones who mean more in the end. hes right. i hate to say it but i have a genuine appreciation and love for all my friends. i am always forced to be surrounded by people who only give me the time of day becasue of justin. and i know that thats not real. i want my friends and my life. i want friends that i made myself... on my own. because im a cool person adn because we are compatible people. not friensd who are nice becasue they have to be. i hate that kind of shit. i am becoming a person i hate. i hate these kind of girls. i never want to be one. i want to be me and feel the way i feel. i love my life and i want to live it to the fullest. i dotn want to be bitched at and pushed around by people who dont understand me or appreciate my individuality. fuck that shit. im getting my way. and we all know (cassy) everything will NOT be ok until i GET MY WAY!!!!!
current mood: pissed off current music: Smashing Pumpkins - Frail and Bedazzled
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Sunday, March 10th, 2002
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10:01 am - the music is your only friend until the end
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i cant handle anymore. i just realized yesterday that i dont have any friends anymore. this is the same thing that happened when i went out with cramer. i blow off all my friends. now... its terrible. i even blow ed off. its not a good thing. i feel like dying. i dont know what to do. i dont know how to change. i dont know how to fix this. im afraid that im a lost soul. im afraid that i am truly alone. i piss my mom off like everyday. i piss my works off... i piss my colorguard off. i piss my "friends" off. what am i supposed to do now? is this as good as it gets? i was so happy for a while. im so confused. why is my soul so tortured. i cant do this anymore. i dont even know who my friends are anymore. i know that cassy is still my friend. cassy is a good friend to me. even though i dont ever see her anymore. but i dont know about tara. i suppose i blew her off. things with us were good because we were getting closer around new years but now... i dont know whats going on i feel liek she doesnt want to be my friend anymore. that makes me sad. im gonna call him today i think and ask him if he wants to do something monday if i dont have to work. i cant blow these ppl off they are the ones who know me well and i need them desperately. my quest is starting to see futile.
"tomorrow i will change and today wont mean a thing"
current mood: depressed current music: Live - The Dolphin's Cry
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Sunday, February 24th, 2002
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12:17 pm - a pretty face can hide an evil mind be careful what you say or you'll give yourself away
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i feel like myself again. kind of... i love being complicated. one day somebody will understand me. i am fueled by this longing. all my inspiration comes from longing. all my artistic endeavors are created in its light.im going to destroy someone and myself but i dont mind it at all. i love feeling like this.
"why cant we not be sober?"
"the child has grown the dream is gone i have become comfortably numb"
"i am just a worthless liar i am just an inbecile i will only complicate you trust in me and fall as well i will find a center in you i will chew it up and leave i will work to elevate you just enough to bring you down"
current mood: artistic current music: Tool - Sober and Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
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Thursday, February 21st, 2002
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4:02 pm - we can't afford to be innocent stand up and face the enemy its a do or die situation
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i think you guys need to stop with the petty shit. thats why i got away in the first place. why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of sex? it doesnt even matter. ive been there and done that. and im not that impressed. sure.. its a bitch when youre not getting laid. but who gives a fuck. it just messes relationships up anyways. everyone in that circle has been wiht practically everyone else... myself included. and thats just not right its not the way it should be. it just makes trust and friendships harder. and i know that all you people realize that. but you still continue to let it destroy your relationships. i wish i was still a virgin.i really do. i dont care. ive fucked more things up through sex than by any other means. guys are not as shallow as some of you girls have yourselves convinced of. if hes a good guy he wont care if your friends are prettier than you or if they are putting out and you arent. if hes a good guy he will recognize that youre a bomb ass chick the way you are and not compare you to others. some things just arent meant to be. why does everyone force things that they dont even feel right about themselves? i have this hope that there is someone for me. and i havent given up yet and i wont. i thought i found him. but those are the teases of youth. and though our hearts may be broken and our pride badly hurt we will dive back in for more of that loving feeling that we need. maybe im the one that doesnt understand but... some of the goings on in this circle of friends are just... not right and i had myself accepting them. i got away and realized i could do without the drama. maybe i shouldnt even be commenting on this topic but cassy is a great person and the reason people are attracted to her is because she has depth and personality. not because they want to fuck her. people arent that shallow. shes not perfect she doesnt claim to be. shes an assertive female such as myself. we know what we want and we expect... no DEMAND to be treated with respect. i think im done ranting now. im sorry if i pissed anybody off. peace and loves
"this is the strangest life i have ever known"
current mood: sick current music: Incubus - Wish You Were Here
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Friday, February 1st, 2002
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12:29 am - chain, keep us together
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so many new and different things. me and benson are like dating or somethign but no commitment so go figure. haha im in control of the relationship... (i make him carry my purse and shit its great hes so whipped) but its ok because i think i actually care about him im some strange way. but... the other day i almost gave up my hope and quest. then we got stoned and i remembered it and how great it feels and how it makes me melt. its the way i feel when i look at john brachna... and guys like that.... mmmm joe permuko... they are just so tall and skinny and cute. they have those boyish grins and they have no idea how cute they are. i love those kinds of boys. i really do. i love them to death i live for boys like that. my little teenage heart beats for boys like that. its the only reason i dont jump out a window. its the only reason life isnt totally unforgiving. it moves me. it inspires me. it makes me melt. its the only true hope and innocence in the world. and its all mine. i hope to own one myself someday. i havent given up hope. benson is cool for now but when i settle down its gonna be with one of those boys. i want that kind of boy taking my kids for walks in the woods and reading them books. i want that kind of boy to come home to and i want him to make me laugh when im having a bad day. i want him to be shamelessly honest like my dad is and say stupid stuff like when my dad tells my mom that her one dress makes her look liek an ear of corn. thats the kind of boy i want. i want him to be a sucker for me. i want him to have a soft spot for me. i want him to work hard. i want him to have big hands so mine feel small. *sigh* one day ill get me a boy like that. but then there is ed. i have a soft spot for ed. we connect and its so kick ass. in a way i wish he wanted me but i know that if he did it would just be weird. and our friendship would be totally fucked up. but ed inspires me. and we have the greatest conversations. ed makes me feel artistic. its awesome and its a feeling i cant explain at all not even gonna try. but i know he understands it. i used to think that sex would fill the void i feel right now. i thought for some reason that it would heal me and make me feel brand new. but its not that way at all. i need art, music, love, color. i need it liek i need air and i want it to feel like im flying off a cliff. i want to embrace the facelessness. i want to give it all a name. and i want to hold it forever. i need to feel that free. i want to feel wild. i want to soar high like a bird. then i want to fly away. i want to get away from it all. i need that. i dont need love and affection. i dont need to be in love i dont need to be loved. i just need to escape wtih the music inside. i want to dance away. i want to feel colors and see music. ok im done being a big hippie now. but i know everyone knows how that feeling feels and i need it now. another day.... gotta play...
"damn your love damn your lies"
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Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002
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12:09 am - its funny that way you can get used to the tears and the pain
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dad, i just had something, a little story, i thuoght i should share with you. the other day me and my friend ed were at this gas station and the guy next to us was putting gas in his SUV and he had a steeler shirt on and was holding a pepsi. he was in his party gear. and ed was making small talk with this guy. and it all hit me. this guy drives an SUV he has steeler parties and probably has a wife and kids. this guy could quite possibly be the coolest guy i may ever meet. and even though SUVs arent cool. and maybe having a family isnt either. i know that one day its going to happen to me. one day i am going to have kids and drive an SUV and have steeler parties. and when it happens its going to feel like the right thing at the right time. and even though i may have to give up running around causing trouble and being a kid. its gonna be worth it because the cool kids i see at gas stations who watch me fill up my SUV with gas will still talk to me because they know that one day its going to happen to them. and its going to feel like the right thing. and they have accepted this fate. its not a bad thing because it doesnt mean that ppl who drive SUVs and have families and kids have to stop being cool. i seriously dont know if you feel this but i do. its really unsettling to me that you dont think that being my dad is cool and you have to go find somethign cooler to do with your time. remember when we used to do cool shit. it kicked so much ass dad. we used to go for walks in the woods and we used to go to teh cabin and you introduced me to the coolest music and taught me how to make solid connections with ppl. you taught me how to find real people in the world. how am i supposed to feel now. am i supposed to be happy. i thought that we would grow old together dad. but you dont want to grow old with me. and hang out with me and do cool stuff with me anymore because you have some kind of idea in your head that somewhere out there you are going to have a chance to go back and forget it all ... because its not cool enough for you. this is the way life goes. now is not the time to decide whether getting married and having kids was a good idea. because its a done deal you just have to accept it. you used to accept it. you used to love it. you thought being my dad was cool at some point. i still think youre cool but all i know about you is what i remember. because in the past year you havent been the person i remember. and if this is the way it has to be then thats ok. because im strong enough to move on. and forget that you didnt want to be part of a family with me. and didnt want to watch movies and go for walks with me and take me to the cabin and stuff anymore. i can forget that stuff. if you want me to. but i really dont want to. it just doesnt feel right. i only do things that feel right to me. and throwing this all away isnt right. its your choice. youre still cool!!! dont you understand!!! youre still cool even though you have a wife and kids and a house and a dog and kitties and a well that doesnt work right and a tractor because you have so much grass to cut. and a 79 granada that doesnt run. and a huge movie collection. and a comfy armchair. and gray hair. and messed up teeth. and foot fungus. did it ever occur to you that there is a place in the world where you can go and be yourself and youre everybody's hero and there's some girl who thinks youre the bomb and nothign else in the world matters because you have learned to accept yourself and the way your life is going. its up to you. i dont know what kind of life youre looking for but i know that when im your age its not the kind i want to be living. the best things you could ever want are here and youre too worried about being cool like some stupid high school kid to realize it. happiness is not something to go looking for cause youll only find trouble. but whatever dad i hope what youre doing makes you happy. i love you and i always will because you are the reason i am who i am whether youre happy about that or not im a part of you and theres nothing you can do it change that. peace and love, mary
i emailed that to my dad. i think it will make him cry i hope it does. i hope he fucking falls out of his chair. cause fuck you world i want my dad back quit fucking him up. my dad is an idiot hes just like a high school kid he thinks that hes not cool because he has gray hair and shit but he doesnt know that even though hes been a royal asshole for a long time that i think hes the coolest guy in the world. he rocks all my socks. so fuck you john brachna my dad rocks more socks that you yeah tahts right asshole fuck you. anyways... maybe i smoke too much weed but it hink my dad does too so i bet hell understand my email. im sorry about that tara but... it just all felt so right at the moment. and plus youre sick you bitch i dont want your virus. im sorry its all in good fun. things wtih me and justin are weird things wtih me and ed are cool because we talk about a lot of shit adn its good its a healing process. so much is going on i cant stand it. but its ok i just wanna connect with everyone and it will be real cool but i gotta go be a good girl and do my homework. i love everyone. bye byes
current mood: cheerful current music: The Ataris - The Last Song I'll Ever Write About A Girl
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Monday, January 14th, 2002
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11:12 pm - its always stoned when youre dark -- ed's stoner logic
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today we had a half day of school getting home at 11 is beautiful. so then i went out to irwin to find ed adn adam and company and got really really baked then we met up with tara and big sexy adn danny adn chippy and adam. and then ed drove my car around BFE irwin back roads adn tara was getting pissed cause she didnt know where the hell she was and neitehr did i but i trust ed so i wasnt worried. then we watched cheesy 70s porn and it was funny. big sexy is shady in his hoodie. ed is cool and he says he plans to hang out with me more because im "cool as hell" and he thinks its cool how i laugh when hes out of control and think its funny instead of being all serious and weird. he left his stoner chips in my car because i took him to work. ed is so cool. i dont care what you ppl think. i think there is a certain amount of understand we have between us. and like i said before ed always explains shit to me and it makes sense and makes me feel better and no one else can get through to me like that. its actually kind of strange. and eds cool because hes not all about committment and what not and thats how i am. theres no point in committing right now. but who knows. but who knows. im gonna go talk to tarara now so bye byes all.
current mood: accomplished current music: Hole - Miss World
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12:03 am - i want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life
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ok im in the best mood in the world and im not high and i didnt get laid... fuck guys fuck what everyone else thinks. im leaving work at work... i dont care but i care more than anything in the world. im not gonna look for the bad. im not gonna care what ppl think of me. im not gonna belittle myself. im gonna be ok. and its gonna feel great. no more thinking of ppl in a superfical way when stoned. no more assumptions. no more of this shit. i dont need it. im serious. its so gay. im getting out of school. im getting a good job adn a fast car. and if i have a husband... well then i have one if not.. oh well. im not worried. no more worrying. ok more talk of this weekend. friday i hung out with ed and it was supremely cool. ed is so much cooler when hes not around other ppl and stuff. hes awesome. he shovels old ladies driveways. i let him drive me around in my car haha it was awesome he doesnt even have a liscense. then i felt bad for not paging justin but oh well he got over it when my contangious good mood infected him. we hung out at eat n park. it was cool. but me adn ed are supposed to hang out tomorrow. ed has a way of explaining things to me so they make sense... and i can never seem to repeat them but thats ok. i think we are on the same wavelength. its pretty kick arse.... but anyways yeah crazy shit is goin down with me and tara tomororw so look out world.
*how do i get back to the place where i fell asleep inside you*
i love playing hard to get... without even trying its so fucking awesome
current mood: optimistic current music: Stir - New Beginning
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Monday, January 7th, 2002
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11:47 pm - i want to be the girl with the most cake
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well i have no car... but hopefully tomorrow or wednesday. it needs alligned and my brother said the guy couldnt do it today.. but i do have my latin homework done and my speech semi done and... well thats what homeroom is for. i also have new pens that i bought. they are cool but they were cheap so they are even cooler. ok cassy i have to work tomorrow so ill call you when im done and if its too late or something maybe we could go tomororw before guard. if thats ok and sara too.. shes in on this. but anyways. i do have a poem that i have produced amidst all this confusion have a good night everyone (dont ask me to explain this)
your eyes then your hands they fit the list they swallow mine testosterone (why did we meet?) you make me come macho chest hides me from the perils of uncertainty youre soft youre hard and youre all the plush and glamour in between so cool youre burning me at the stake testosterone (its been a long time) youre blowing me away why do your eyes enchant me? should i give in to the thrill? the painful demand youre an ultimatum in my nonperfect world a star in my nonperfect sky i go through the hours the nonperfect minutes they are shallow like glass then i catch sight of you and you plunge the seconds away to the bottom of the sea (of course) in your nonperfect way and then i can make it through my nonperfect day just a glace a touch testosterone i know we could make it (a chance away)
i want you to know what i know
"someday you will ache like i ache"
current mood: artistic current music: Hole - Doll Parts
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Sunday, January 6th, 2002
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10:46 pm - ive still got your face painted on my heart
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my brother is fucking awesome. why cant more guys be like my brother. my brother told me he wanted to put a pinstripe on my car and i told him i like purple so hes gonna put a purple one on it.. haha... isnt that awesome. and he is gonna wash it for me and clean it all out inside and then bring it over tomorrow for me. hes so cool. hehe. i hope we have a delay tomororw.... school is so gay i hate it. i called ed tonight... but he wasnt home. stupid ed being popular and going out. ill kill him. hes never home when i call him or else hes fighting with his dad and cant talk. i enjoy megans 2002 reminders. ok well i think i am going to be going now good night everyone.
"turn off your mind relax and float downstream it is like dying"
current mood: discontent current music: Tool - Sober
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Friday, January 4th, 2002
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4:22 pm - try to understand the ones i love and their demands
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you guys... zwan.... its pretty cool. it clearly proves that billy is awesome. they should do a show here hehe. ok anyways. im bored out of my mind its friday adn theres nothign to do except maybe go to the mall and get a clove from elise... because she loves me. life is crazy. how about they played the pumpkins on 15601 this morning. i was freaking out and my homeroom was laughing at me. then i told ed about it and ed agrees that pumpkins are good to listen to when stoned. and lewis says they suck because billy is a homo... riigghhhttt. i punched him for that one. no... not again. how come i am liking ed again. will the insanity never end? it has to be because ed sees through me when im being fiesty. he lets me play the way i like to. today i told him i was sad becuase i have no life ambitions and hes like well i dont either and i said yes you do youre gonna be a drummer in a band and be famous and have groupies and im gonna write reviews about you for rolling stone.... how cool would that be. ok time to leave fantasy land haha. when ed is famous he better remember the one who bought him food every day at lunch.... thats all i have to say. who knows. but i think i am going to go put clean sheets on my bed because there is a strange subtance similar to kitty barf on them... and its gross and smells weird. so ill see you all later
*girls are fucking evil*
*you could be my someone you could be my sea you know that id protect you from all of the obscene*
current mood: cheerful current music: Zwan - And So I Died of a Broken Heart
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Tuesday, January 1st, 2002
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10:30 pm - big sexy rocks a whole fucking drawer of socks even the ones without mates
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how about my new years is totally fucked up. i went to taras... justin told me that he wanted me to go with him so he could smoothly get a new years kiss. but he didnt get his way. i called john brachna at midnight and bothered him i asked him if he liked me. he said he did as a friend and that there was someone else or some shit... that was the end... after that.. i couldnt take anymore and proceeded to cry for hours to big sexy. big sexy rocks a whole drawer of socks haha i love him to death. i was totallly ripped. it was fun.. then i quit crying and we sang smashing pumpkins songs til the break of dawn practically and we were singing and dancing bitches. tara i love you i knew when you were having your i hate dan moments and i sang my little heart out wiht you... cause were so cool. me adn you and megan had fun secret agent style and i hope john knows he made me cry on new years,... i kept singing and screaming he doesnt know how fucking cool i am he doesnt know what hes missing and he doesnt. he should go fuck some guy in the ass because hes never gonna find a girl cooler than me. im the bomb and he doesnt have a clue. anyways... we were then beat and went to sleep becuase we are cool like that. and so is taras mom because some how she made me stop crying somehow shes kick ass. so then we woke ip and went to mcdonalds to get milkshakes because we were hungover and what else would we do plus mary cant fucking eat anything else!!!!!!!!!!! i hate wisdom teeth grrr. anyways.,.. i have to go nowbecause i am at taras house and fucking shady darla is trying to eat a bag cause thatsw why shes smelly. but peace
current mood: confused current music: Hole - Turpentine
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Friday, December 28th, 2001
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12:26 am - if we sleep together would you like me better?
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im bored. i had a pretty good day. we have to have operation slumber party on the rocks. it will be so bomb ass, yo. ok enough of that. im getting my teeth out tomorrow. if i dont make it i love you all. im scared. i hope i dont die. im not ready to cash in my chips yet. i think i am gonna go now though becuase i am incapable of talking about anythign other than justin and john... and im tired of letting them overrun MY journal. so not today. im gonna get doped up for like a week. hopefully not every one will forget about me. i may be dropped off the face of the earth for a few days. and chipmunky for a few more. but. im gonna go now. i love everyone
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Wednesday, December 26th, 2001
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12:56 am - if you want to reach me leave me alone
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im in a good state of mind. my mommy helped me. we cried together for like an hour... and it was great. my mommy knows how to fix me.. i love her to death she always knows how to get through to me. but. anyways. i cant even explain it but something has come over me. and i look at the world differently. after the shitty day i had i found good in it because my family who loves me treated me well. i got to see my cousin whom i love dearly and my brother whom i love dearly as well... and it was good. things like good food and reminiscing with my cousin about all the fun stuff we used to do when we were kids make up for thigns like not having a christmas tree and your dad not opening the gift you buy him... i love everyone thanks for sticking around even though i am off in my own world finding myself and reality. i love you!!!
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Monday, December 24th, 2001
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1:53 pm - i have a face i cannot show i make the rules up as i go its try and love me if you can
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*are you strong enough to be my man?*
ahh. the ultimate quesiton for me. no song lyrics could be more appropriate for me. lie to me i promise ill believe. lie to me but please dont leave. ive decided that getting a job at kings is one of my better moves. it has opened the door to many new people. but. merry christmas everyone! im not real big on holidays but i guess i can say i hope that everyone has a happy one. im sure mine will be the same as usual. always without someone to love at christmas. its kind of pathetic. but i think thats the reason i hate holidays. oh well. my kitty loves me. its me and you adn you and me squeaky... we can drink egg nog together and wish we had some cute male friends to spoil us rotten and make us feel like the goddess we are. see my kitty understands. *mmwah* (kitty kisses) justin is lazy he majorly slacked off at work today adn joe was getting pissed off. it was kinda funny. but i guess 7 am is rough on everybody. i think im gonna go now.. sleep is needed after my restless night. sleep is futile when you have killer crampage. bye guys... have a happy and safe holiday!
"all i want for christmas is you" (and my my my... what wouldnt i do to have him for christmas... all of him... i wonder if he gets it yet)
current mood: crappy current music: Prozzak - Sucks to be You
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Sunday, December 23rd, 2001
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9:16 pm - i need you now, no questions asked
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today my dad came to visit me. it was kinda odd. but ok i guess. he took us to kings and i got to show my mommy the sexy kid and she thinks hes sexy too. i told her angela didnt think he was cute adn she said "that must be because he doesnt have any tattoos and takes a bath occassionally" i thought it was kinda funny. but shes right i guess hes just not angelas type. but i think hes cute and so does my mom so as long as me and mommy are happy who cares. i think this is all for now. justin kept talking to me when i was eating at kings today. because he was working ... grrr now he probably thinks i went down there to eat to see him. maybe im not as important to him as i think i am. which is good. i think i am gonna go i have to work at 8 am and for some strange reason i am tired... oh yes did i mention that i got to wake up to my mom coming in my room adn asking me how i scratched the car. what makes her so sure i did it i dont remember doing such a thing but she yelled at me and my brother made fun of me for it. hes like its ok once you get the buick you can scratch it all you want and no one will yell at you.... sounds good to me the thing is beat anyways. it might need some character.
*the man is a marvel its a shame about his brains but thats ok you say hes got straight teeth and its good sex*
current mood: lonely current music: Fleetwood Mac - No Questions Asked
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Thursday, December 20th, 2001
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11:43 pm - women must maintain an aura of mystery at all times --> mary's mom
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how about tonight i, for some reaon, threw caution to the wind adn actually called justin back. we hung out with branden and emily. it was cool. we went to denny's but it was beat. so we went to kings to annoy our fellow employees. (plus the coffee is better, no mall boys, and 20% discounts rock) but in dennys i wasnt sitting with the mall people (and did i mention that i didnt ignore the people i came to be with and fall into that mall rat scheme of things.. finally im not pathetic) i said hi to the ones i saw .... now i know who my real friends are. YES... IN CASE YOU BOYS DOUBTED IT FOR A SECOND... I DO HAVE OTHER FRIENDS THAT ARENT MALL RATS!!!!! i keep thinking about that time i took my friend carolyn to dannys house. and monkey was like wow you have other friends... i think about that all the time. maybe because i am not as closed minded as they are. maybe because i am not a complete waste adn accept new people. maybe because i dont believe in selling myself short of a better life with better friends and more fun things to do. maybe because i have a job and take care of myself instead of relying on my so called friends to pay for things for me. and because they are obviously so "inferior" i know they will do whatever i want because nothing matters but me right? maybe i just dont understand it all because i cant get my head that far up my ass. but i do know im done. there are a few people i am not done with. and they know who they are. if they have any doubts they can contact me. i guarantee if youre reading this i still love you and am not done with you. now... we have to work on cassy. and michelle for that matter. we have to get them to partially separate from this sick twisted game... im not saying leave the ones you love. if they are worth anythning they will still be there. im so serious. no one ever said that we couldnt have other friends. no one ever said that we couldnt just be normal.. no one ever said we coulndt change our minds. no one ever said we have to go to teh mall and dennys every night. what a horrid habit. im done ranting. for now anyways. i have to sleep. peace everyone
current mood: determined current music: Smashing Pumpkins - Bodies
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