Let me make this perfectly clear, crystal clear.

If ever I am in some kind of an accident or suffer some unknown natural cause that turns me into a human vegetable do me a favor and take out the food tube. And leave it out, for good. Don’t pull it out and put it back in like how you play with the vacuum wand on your hand.

Unless you can make me sound like Darth Vader, then by all means put me in a black cape, throw the helmet over my head and charge fan boys to have their picture taken next to me. Don’t worry about flash photography because at that point I could stare directly at the sun and it wouldn’t phase me.

Also, should some asshat politician try to champion my 'right-to-life' cause in order to take media attention away from his criminal investigation, tell him that I said to go blow smoke out of his rear and face the music like a man.

Let me have the dignity to pass away while you can still remember who I was when the upstairs lights were still on and people were home. I'd rather be in Heaven hanging out with the Good Lord than a human cadaver in some stupid hospital, staring at ceiling tiles all day long.

This just in from my correspondent in the east:

Dammit! If I had known that television writers were dropping by I would have at least put some pants on.

Hollywood, if you're really that desperate for material — and by the looks of things you are — the movie and television rights for Airbag are still available. Call me.

The post-blog Internet is on the minds of more than a few people I know, a subject often discussed. Of course no resolution is made, no solution found. Until now — like 5 minutes ago.

I assure you it's not a scenario where everyone gets to Kottke. That's a position in life that few people will hold. It's probably easier to become a monarch and blog full time than blog full time about monarchs, monarcharies and the monarcherati.

What I've masterminded is busting out of the blog vertical altogether, an idea that requires some real 'outsource to Neverland' thinking. Before we begin I can't stress enough how important it is that you continue blogging — you can't forget your roots. This will make more sense later.

The first step is to start a solo career in music. Can't sing? No worries mate. I can assure you that selling a single in iTunes Music Store does not necessitate being able to carry a tune, that's what Macintoshes are for. All you need to do is belt out some words to some sort of rhythm (ta-ta-tee-tee-ta). Then take your lyrical genius, launch Garageband, throw a few samples in for good clubbing measure and viola you have a hit single.

Any genre of music will do as long as it appeals to 14-24 year olds. However I suggest finding a niche that can be played on hip-hop, pop, alternative country, rock jock, retro stations just to be on the safe side.

Do not start a band! Very important! Remember this is an extension of your blog and you can't spell b-l-o-g with t-e-a-m. Resist any and all offers to 'trade links' with lamers who are trying to leech onto your assured up-and-coming success. Embrace any and all tribes that consider you better than them because these people will become your 'base' and they will be included as part of the demographic that makes up your expected earnings profile.

Blog, check. Hit single, check. Now we need a music video.

Don't worry about your looks at this point. If you are in need of weight loss/gain and/or radical plastic surgery (and who isn't?) that's fine but we'll have it done after your single has placed in the Top 100 charts. When it comes time to shoot the music video just have them do something that just requires a head shot, like an old Cars video — anyone watching MTV at this point won't even know who the cars are so your 'new' video will become an instant pop culture hit.

Remember, you can't neglect your blog! You can't forget the peeps who had your back from the beginning! In fact it's likely that your second hit single is going to be all about growing up in the rough wilds of the Internet. How you stuck it to the man by blogging during the work day and wrote biting criticism against the establishment. In fact it might be a good time to change your look now. Borrow from past timelines in mixed cultures like so: America in the 50's, China in the 60's and Paris in 80's. Wear some rainbow colored tinted shades at all times.

Once the hit has made it on Clear Channel then it's time to prepare for television and the big screen. Ideally you want to hit all the talk shows. Just remember to jerk a tear when you tell Oprah how hard it was in the early days when all you had was just a blog — wait for the dramatic pause — then point and shift your Movable Type trucker cap towards camera #3. As the audience claps and 'ahhhs', bust out your emerald encrusted Sidekick and show the audience that you're blogging right now! Sniff.

Obviously your climb from the bottom back story, hit single, hit video, and appearances on the talk show circuit are bound to get you a guest appearances on television shows like CSI. Try to make the cover of People magazine no matter what it takes. Date Ashlee Simpson if you have to, but only if you have to.

I should point out that after all of this you've probably made enough money to buy a brand new Chevrolet Cavalier. Some would consider that a success but taking this just a step further is where all of this pays off. I mean, you didn't think all that music and television stuff was the icing on the cake did you? Hell no.

Now it's time to blossom into the real blogst*r you are.

It's time for you to go Martha Stewart, time to think about creating your own personal line of schwag. Of course you'll announce all of this on your blog and maybe create a second blog to document the process of combining web standards with textiles to show how your blog can be worn on the streets of New York, London and Tokyo. And when Gizmodo calls don't answer, make them feel some pain.

Hire some schlepp in SoHo to design and create your vision for the blog bag, blog Swatch, blog sweater vest set, blog press-on-nails kit, really the potential is endless. Make sure to blog your vision for a perfect future where war doesn't exists and hundreds of thousands of animals are spared destruction because your clothing line is made from hemp and recycled garbage. Write open letters to the CEO of Target until they guarantee 24 sq. ft. of custom fixture store-within-a-store. Add a ticker to your blog the shows how much money you are earning per minute and how that compares with the national debt.

With money rolling in and your four-one-one secured in Paris Hilton's diamond encrusted Sidekick it's finally time to redesign your blog and talk to friends about going beyond the post-post blog Internet.

Over eighty-five entries from all over the world were received for the Ledger Paper logo contest — the last one coming in minutes under the midnight deadline. The quality of work ranged from 'I am a designer who would love to win an iPod' to 'I can't design for crap but hope no one else enters so I can win the iPod'. Pretty much what I expected but I was surprised by the number of entries.

By the way, apologies for the tardiness in this announcement. I've had the fever for the last few days and writing an entry was the furtherest thing from my mind. Thank you for your patience.

This competition was about two things: having some fun and helping a friend. However the announcement of this contest kicked off a huge comment thread where-in the ethics of such competitions was called into question and I ended up being accused of devaluing an entire design service market. Awesome!

For my next act I shall challenge the sovereignty of Canada by moving to Vancouver.

Gladly I can say that this did end well. Great work was presented, a winner was selected, prizes mailed out, and my friend is happy — as happy as an accountant during tax time can be. As for the design contest ethics discussion, it's time to move on.

As you will recall there were five judges for this competition. I sought people who I believe had a good eye for good design. With so many entries I thought there might be a problem trying to get an early majority from five people but I was shocked that 4 out of 5 chose the winning entry in the first round. You could say the victor was chosen hands down.

Congratulations goes to Arturo Rodriguez who is 'one half' of Twinsparc, a web-development company located in Decatur, Georgia. He had this to say about his work:

The response from some of the judges testifies to the strength of Arturo's design:

Runner up entries can be seen here, please keep in mind they are in no particular order. Thanks to everyone who entered it was your entries that made this contest interesting and fun.

Once again congratulations to Arturo who will also receive one years supply of Rice-A-Roni that San Francisco Treat.

There has been brief discussion as to why I do not care to join the American Institute of Graphic Arts, commonly referred to as AIGA. Especially considering I work in a studio that actively supports and volunteers to run the local chapter's website (which is a fine work in it's own regard). And by volunteer I mean the studio pays money — a lot of money — for the pleasure of being card carrying members.

In my perfect world AIGA should be doing more heavy lifting in communicating the value of design in everyday life. Sadly I don't see that they do this very well, at least not down to the street level (non-Fortune 500) where I believe this message needs to be heard.

Thankfully we have Target, who is doing more to make the value of design an everyday discussion and purchase-behavior criteria than AIGA has ever done — correct me if I'm wrong.

Look at this wonderful copy quoted from their new Design for All advertising campaign:

With businesses like Target (and Apple) taking the design matters message into households across America, of what relevance does AIGA have in today's world, and why would I ever consider becoming a member?

P.S. — The victor will be unveiled next Monday.

Yesterday morning Jason announced that he has broken the shackles of menial labor and refuses to work for the man anymore. And even though he gave a pretty good brief on what and why he's doing this I felt there were some unanswered questions.

I spoke with Jason yesterday afternoon to to ask the hard questions I knew the editors of Wired would never allow.

Airbag: Jason, this morning you announced that you're going pro...did you make a deal with the devil to pull this off? Does she really have cloven feet?

Kottke: Turns out the devil needs PageRank. Who knew? We've got a sweet little arrangement going, a souls-for-placement deal.

Airbag: I think the first question that America wants answered — do you work in your underwear? If not, why not?

Kottke: I don't because it's freezing in here. Luckily I won't be working out of the apartment for much longer (Airbag scoop! Must credit Airbag!!!)...hopefully the new location will be a bit warmer, albeit filled with people that probably would not enjoy seeing me in my underpants day-to-day.

Airbag: What is your day to day routine now that you're a professional blogger? Are you allowed to leave the house?

Kottke: I hope to leave someday soon. I was at Costco last week and can survive for several weeks here on all the hot dogs and lemonade mix I bought.

Airbag: About the webcam, will it ever pan down?

Kottke: So you can see the keyboard? It's one of those white Apple ones, nothing special.

Airbag: Looking at your webcam shot I've noticed you have a lot of whitespace going on. Any thought of going NASCAR with the decor there? I know some people at Clear Channel Outdoor who could squeeze a billboard or two behind you... yes, no?

Kottke: You're the second person to suggest selling advertising on the wall behind me. "Going NASCAR"...I like that.

Airbag: Do you ever see yourself buying a white suit and becoming the Architect? Because I'm assuming you don't have a khaki pants dress code anymore.

Kottke: If I can be serious for a second, the no more khakis thing is fantastic. And I don't quite know where you're going with the Matrix/Architect thing, so I'm going to ignore it.

Airbag: Are you now the sworn enemy of Nick Denton? If not, why not?

Kottke: I am going to [explicative] bury Gawker Media. (Except for the logo.)

Airbag: There are bound to be Kottke readers/bloggers who are crafting letters of resignation right now. What would you say to those who see your move as an epiphany of their own?

Kottke: Just quit. Quit right now. Don't look back. Wouldn't it be great to see what would happen to the US if everyone quit their jobs all at the same time? I bet it would be great.

Airbag: How does it feel knowing you can never go back to being an amateur, that now you can't participate in Olympic competition?

Kottke: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my money counter.

Airbag: How do you plan on explaining this to your accountant? Are you now able to write off things like web surfing? How much are you wrists insured for?

Kottke: I get to write off everything that goes on the site. MetroCards, cab fare, restaurants, clothing, toilet paper, food, travel, hookers, booze, gambling debts, etc. I'm going to write about everything I buy and I'm going to buy things just so I can write about them and get the deductions.

Airbag: Getting paid to blog is like getting paid to ride the buss. Agree or disagree?

Kottke: I don't think Jerry Buss has too much to do with it. The real question for the Lakers is, can Kobe get them into the playoffs this year?

Airbag: Does it bother you to know that Jason Santa Maria has an entire wall devoted to print outs of kottke.org dating back to 1999?

Kottke: Seriously? (No, seriously?)

Airbag: Ok, time to really come clean. In the last year how many times would you say you've ripped off links from Airbag?

Kottke: Between the ones you took from me and the ones I took from you, I think we're doing OK.

Thanks Jason. I still think you should get a white suit and blog in front of a wall of monitors.

On behalf of Airbag readers (and asshats) everywhere we salute you and your endeavor.

I would love to see some type of election reform in this country because I think it's been a long, long time coming. And it would be nice to have a voter turnout higher than that of the baby democracies that we are so keen on making happen in other parts of the country.

It's pretty pathetic when people in this country can't make it to the polls when you consider that Iraqis dodged bullets and suicide bombers for a chance to participate in their election. And though I would love too bash voter apathy again, I will refrain from talking about the low-life scum in this country who don't make an effort to get off their ass to vote. I'll save that for another rainy day.

Yesterday three members of the 'We Think Voting is Rad' club gathered on the steps of Capital Hill to introduce legislation that will turn Election Day into a national holiday. The bill also proposes allowing felons to vote (a nice touch), requiring paper vote receipts, and spending $500M to fix pot holes in democracy around the country.

Is it me or did Clinton just say that the United States is no longer considered the gold standard in democracy? Not that I don't agree but did anyone else pick up on that? And since when do we have high national standards for elections? Where in the hell were these standards after the 2000?

Blast me all you want but I think these people are the last ones we want pitching for making improvements in our democracy. For starters why kick this off in partisan fashion? Couldn't they wait to announce this on another day when John McCain wasn't getting his hair cut? I can't imagine members from the other party refused to get on board but then again there is something to be said about standing close to open flames.

Dude, you just lost the biggest election in the world and you're trying to sound like an impartial champion for American democracy? Take a page from Gore's playbook and move away from anything election related for a while. Maybe you could join a technology company like your predecessor, I understand HP is hiring. Besides, don't you have a war to stop or something?

I digress.

Indeed we do have a long way to go but unfortunately it's going to require that both sides admit that the process that brought them to Washington isn't the best we can do. Maybe then we can see real Democrat on Republican bipartisan legislation that not only addresses the issues above but also does away with connect-the-dots creative redistricting, mandates a required set of public debates for Presidential candidates (more than 3 please), and puts a cap on the absurd run-away costs of national campaigns.

Of course I'd be a fool to think any real reform in our election process any time soon. Instead my gut tells me it's time we all went shopping for Orange colored things and start preparing to march, protest, and riot in the streets of 2008.