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JJ's Journal
So we're supposed to be under tropical storm warnings for Hurrican Michelle, but it completely missed us. The good part is they already cancelled school, so I have time to get stuff done!
I'm still not sure what's going on betwwen Henna and I. Sometimes, it seems like she willing to be at least friends to me, but I'm not sure if it's just because we have to live together for the time being. She said something late at night about a deadline for housing, but I wasn't very awake. I have been thining about just moving back on campus for now, but still not sure what's going to happen. Sometimes she completely hates me and sometimes she seems loving and caring. But recently more than ever she's been looking for something to blame on me in anything, or I'm just doing everything wrong. I feel like she may just be looking into me too much to find bad, I'm not saying I"m a perfect angel, but I'm not completely bad. I do definitely make my mistakes, but I'm really learning from all this, even if I can no longer apply what I've learned to my relationship with Henna., although I really hope I can.
OK, going to try to make the most of my free day...
Current mood:
blah.
so I've come to the realization that I am a horrible person. Although I want to believe I'm a great guy and I really want to be a great person, it's simply true that I'm not. I have this "aura of negativity" around me which cause everyone to not even want to approach me. It also drives Henna's friends away form her, which I deeply regret. So I have to strive to change myself, and I have to be serious about it. I need to start to think about everything I say and do rather than just watch my life like it's somebody else's. I need to become more focused on everything, from the mundane daily tasks I focus on now and still don't get done, to the people and larger aspects in my life, especially Henna. We had a major fight last night, which unfortunately may be our last, and I'm just stuck at what to do. I know I need to change myself, but I'm scared it might be too late to save the relationship. I am now really seeing what I've simply not cared enough about and thrown away, a wonderful life with Henna. Sure I've seen what it could be before, but now I'm forced to look at it as it might not happen. Now I must really listen to people and what they think and have to say. It's scary because people enjoy being around Henna more when I'm not around, they're even afraid to approach or talk to her when I'm around. What have I done!! I feel like I've been exactly what I didn't want to be: someone who takes away her freedom, who hurts her, and who takes advantage of her. It's wrong and completely unfair to her. I'm sure its in her best interest to get rid of me, it has been for a long time. But for some reason she hasn't, could it be that she thought I could change for the better, when all I've done is change for that worse. I've been such an asshole to her while all I've wanted to be was the greatest guy she's known. She listed nine things that she uses to judge people, and I found them very good: love, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, self-control, patience, peace, and two others that I'm so horrible I can't remember. But in any case, she says when she met me I had 7 of the 9, now I only have 4. So I've decided that I need to regain those traits to take the first step to becoming a good person again, even if it doesn't regain her trust. I really with I could regain her trust, but I don't think there's any way other than time, and she's simply tired of waiting for me. But she's afraid of leaving me because she doesn't want me to be a loose cannon in the future and reveal things I know about her that she's trusted me with. Now I know I've said things like "I'll never hurt her" that ended up not becoming true, but I know I would not do a low down dirty thing like that. But I'm not sure what else to say or do. I need to concentrate carefully on everything, not just let things happen arbitrarily, and I need to find a prupose, a faith, and something to believe in I also want to work on regaining good character traits that I've lost so then I can work on shedding my negativity and horribleness. So here goes, not sure where it will lead me, but I'm really going to try. I know I might seem depressed and negative right now, and I am, but I want to make it clear that I don't want to be, and I want to be happy, enjoyable, and make other people happy, not sad and miserable like I do now. I want to have a good group of friends, I want to have fun and enjoy life, and work towards having a good future and helping other people enjoy their lives. That's what I want, now that trick is figuring out how to make it happen.
Current mood:
depressed.
Hey, it was a really good weekend, on of the best I've had in college years. Unfortunently, I have some other work to do, but by putting this post on, I'll remind myself to write about this weekend. So I'll write soon...
I kinda got to thinking that no one really respects me today. That's actually the best conclusion I've ever come up with in my life as to why I've never been really popular with anybody my age. And it was my excuse for Henna not usually listening to anything I have to say. After class today, me and Henna went to the Gables Aquarium to get Henna a pretty blue betta fish, but they didn't have enough of a selection in stock, so we're just going to wait until next Tuesday when they get more in. But we decided to go to Publix on the way back home. I was in a really good mood, being funny and wierd and stuff. Henna told me to walk in a straight line towards Publix through the park, so I was just playing around a bit and walked fuinny, but then she got mad at me because she was worried about getting in my way. She called herself "insignificant scum" so I told her to stop saying things like that, bad things about her, so we just began getting frustrated with each other. Inside Publix, we were getting eggs, and Henna asked me what kind of eggs we usually get, I said the white box, and she told me to check them. I think I might have just acted wierd because I figured she could just get them, and she assumed I was mad at her, which wasn't true. Then I found out later she also thought I was mad when I was getting sliced cheese, but I was just waiting for an old guy to move out of the way. Then she wanted to get hot dogs, but I said without thinking that we have 4 at home. I know I shouldn't have said that, guess then it's like we'd eat those 4 soon and would need more anyway. So I was like, "yeah we could get some" but again she thought I was mad at her. Then she again thought I was mad at her when she didnt understand buy one get one free (I had explained to her how 2 for $5.00 works, that you can buy 1 for $2.50, etc., so she thought BOGO was the same) but I really wasn't mad at her. I was waiting on the side while she was getting meat, I figured she could get it without me, but then she thought I was mad or sick or something because I was jsut waiting there. Same suff kinda continued thoughout the store, including her giving me the finger once. Just one of those times when the two of us just don't work together at all. I don't know why or what to blame it on, she asked me if I had male PMS. Anymore I'm starting to believe her when she says that my tone of voice is completely off and sounds like I'm angry, although I never comprehend it that way. I just don't know what to believe or do. But she's resting right now, she's really tired. She kinda woke up and turned over, I gave her a kiss in the special spot on her eye, but she flinched. It scares me when she does stuff like that, but I know it probably just surprised her, so I don't get mad or anything about it. Well, I just cleaned up the whole bedroom, living rooms, and kitchen, did the dishes, and laundry, and have lots of stuff to do, so I'll write later...
Current mood:
frustrated.
so, we're back here in miami, home again, at least I feel at home here. Not sure Henna does, although I'd like to help her feel more at home, she just loves Chicago so much, we might live there later on in life, we'll see...
But it's been awhile, lots of stuff happened. We first flew to Chicago out of Ft. Lauderdale (we took the Tri-Rail up there), We caught the ATA flight, it wasn't too bad, small plane. We got to Midway and met up with Henna's dad and brother, and waited about a half-hour for luggage. Once we finally got our luggage, we went out to the parking garage (The levels are named after different Chicago landmarks, like the Ohare garage is named after the different sports teams.) and walked out to the car. We were expecting a big van, turned out that they'd bought a new Ford Contour. After we got back to her house, Henna told me she thinks they might had bought her the car, but other than that Chicago was pretty normal. We swam, hung out with her uncle, etc. Then one day her family went to go shopping at Sam's Club, and I went up to shower. When I came back down, they were already back (which is unusual for them because they usually spend hours there) but I didn't see Henna in the living room. I asked her grandma where she was at, she said out back, so I went out to the garage to find Henna sitting in the driver's seat of the Contour saying "I have a car!" I could tell she was still in shock. So Henna got a car, but she didn't want it because she felt bad since her dad has to drive to work without a/c. But she finally accepted it. Meanwhile, we still hadn't bought the Greyhound tickets for Colorado yet, so the idea came up to use the car. I ended up getting a first hand experience in dealing with her family, because you have 3 people who never fully communicate with each other in that house. So it turned into a big argument, then it was fine, etc. etc. But we finally ended up taking the car.
So we drove to Colorado, I drove most of the highway, but Henna drove a good part too. Henna took naps in the back seat, its such a spacious car ,lots of room, and a pretty blue color. Henna named it "Baby Blue" and is going to some day get that on a license plate. So we're having a pretty good time in Colorado, my stepdad is actually being decent, actually really nice and was really scaring me. I guess Henna talked to him alot. But so everything was great, I mean pretty peacefull, except a couple of usual fights between me and Henna, and my brother sometimes being a pain. On Friday, the day before the day we were supposed to leave to go back to Chciago, I crashed Henna's beautiful car. We were driving down West Colorado Ave. from my Mom's work to pick up Chinese food when some guy in an old Datsun truck stopped in front of me without any brake lights. He didn't have a bumper, so his truck just went right on top of Henna's bumper. Crumpled the hood, damaged the headlights, grill, radiator, lots of stuff. He got a ticket for unsafe vehicle and no insurance, I got a ticket for careless driving. We got it towed to Phil Ling Ford, and it took a couple of days to get Henna's insurance people out there to look at it, but the damage is $3339.54 or somethingHenna's insurance is going to pay for it, but I feel like shit. I crashed my baby;s new toy, and it trapped us in Colorado for who knows how long. After getting the estimate and being told it could be a few weeks, we dicided to just go and get Greyhound tickets to Miami. We're going to go and pick up the car later and miss some school.
So we're down here now. There's so much more to write about, but I'll get it all in eventually. There's lots to do here too, so I'd better get busy.
Current mood:
blah.
So tomorrow we are leaving for Chicago, in fact I better be getting some rest. I hope Henna can make it through till we get to her house, I know she's going to be real tired. I'm excited about promoting Melaleuca and seeing people in Colorado. I was talking to Mike Foss today on MSN Messanger, he might be interested in Melaleuca, and hopefully we'll be able to do something when I'm in town. I want to go to Casa Bonita, maybe even Elitchs or WaterWorld, but don't think I'll have the money. I am going to take Henna to Seven Falls and Fargo's, and if I can arrange it, horseback riding through the Garden of the Gods. I think she'll love that, just depends on money. Still not sure how we're going to pay rent, we'll just see how that goes. A miracle happened today too: Financial Aid actually processed my mom's and stepdaad's tax stuff, so I think verification is complete. But we're all packed and pretty much ready to go. I'm going to try to keep up with writing in Chicago, we'll see how it goes.
Current mood:
tired.
so I guess Henna and I are broken up, but still living together. She can't stand me anymore and doesn't want to deal with my crap she says. It all hasn't completely hit me, so I'm pretty calm right now writing this entry. But last night I was in the process of talking to her about what she'll need to do to defer her loans. But for some reason she seemed impatient and just got so angry and frustrated with me because I wasn't getting to the point. I had in fact gotten to the point already, but she said because I stopped for like 10 seconds that should mean I don't have anything else to say, which isn't true for me because sometimes it takes longer to get my mind thinking. But she's just too frustrated with my slow pace and can't stand it, which I can understand if it's simply not compatable with her. I'd like there to be something to get us back on the right track, and find how exactly we are compatible, but I fear that simply isn't going to happen. I know she loves me, she's just trying not to love me or have feelings for me so it doesn't hurt her so bad because she has to do what she calls the "right thing" which of course is breaking up. I wish there was a better way to handle our relationship, but I just don't know what to do anymore. She is right, I have lost patience with her, and I really regret and I'm really trying to stay relaxed and not lose my patience, but now she doesn't have any patience for me. I wish I could remember when I forgot how to treat her like the princess she is. I really do think she is a princess, and a wonderful girl, but I'm afraid that she has a lot of personal things going on that she hasn't been able to work out. I'd love to help her with everything, I just don't know how. She's laying on the bed sleeping right now, she's so tired cause she can't sleep at night. It's possible I'm the cause of her not being able to sleep, because after she called me a "degenerate" last night, I decided to just leave. God I wish my car worked good enough just to go driving for a while, cause I could have really used it. But anyways, she was able to go right to sleep when I left. She was sleeping when I came back, and I tried being really quiet getting into bed, but of course I move around too much, and she woke when I tried taking my boxers off cause they were buggin me. And she stayed awake after that, and we had our fight. But maybe I'll write more later about all this, the thoughts aren't coming through my head straight anymore.
So here's whats happened today, and yesterday. I didn't go do no-shows yesterday (or today actually) because it really isn't worth it when someone else has already gone through them. But I worked on the computer while Henna was sleeping. I mapped out my schedule with school and Melaleuca for the fall on Excel, it looks ok: busy and full but still some free time. Matt has AutoCAD 2002 (I didn't even know it was coming out) and I'm sure he'll give me a copy when he gets it working right. But I called my Mom to tell her we hopefully will be coming out to Colorado on a bus and asked her to put in money in my CSCU account so I can take it out to cover my credit card payments out of my Bank of America account. She did that today, so at least those are taken care of for this month. Now I just hope my Dad puts in money to cover car insurance. I also tried working on a chart to keep track of business activities and what percentages of people are showing up for interviews and signing up, but it's probably not quite worth the detail I'm putting it at. I also typed out our full itinerary for our trip, including tri-rail and all that. I'm excited to go to Colorado and Chicago, not just to see my family, but I'm hoping I can get lots of people to sign up for Melaleuca.
No much has happened today, Henna was going to try staying up and really wanted me to go into work, and I was all ready, but she was just really worrying me because she was acting wierd and I knew she was tired and probably not feeling well. She said she was going to go over to the school too, but I didn't think she could do it alone, so I tried to get her to wait until I came home, but she didn't want to, so I just stayed home. We ended up watching Jerry and the 2nd part of a Jenny Jones paternity test episode from yesterday. Then she decided to take a nap, I was going to try to stay up, but I think she really wanted me to lay down too. So we slept for a couple of hours. I meant to get us up earlier, so we could still go over to the school but that didn't happen. My mom called my cell to tell me she put money in, so I went to Bank of America to take care of that, and was going to cook fish sticks for lunch and go over to the school with Henna. But she didn't really want to get up when I got back, so I decided that it was better for her to get rest, even though she's really trying to adjust her sleep schedule back to nighttime before we leave for Chicago. I just hope maybe she'll try sleeping tonight.
Opinionsurverys.com sent me a email for 3,000 points in the free magazine thing, that I got my subscriptions for FHM (which I've started getting), Maxim, and Stuff. So now I can get some more free magazines. I'm not sure what to get, and I should be careful cause if I want to keep these magazines after a year I'm going to have to pay for them, but hey their free right now. I'm going to ask Henna if she wants any free magazines (if she didn't get her own) and then decide what to get. I'm thinking about some business and entrepreneur magazines, but there's also Playboy...
I was also thinking about what it will be like being single. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be in a relationship with Henna thats working, but single does have it's benefits. Now I can go play with girls if I want :-) But Henna says I should stay here and we should be friends until I can pay back everything I owe her and because I have an obligation to rent. So my hope is (if we can't reconcile) that I can earn enough money with Melaleuca to pay her and her uncle back, as well as pay her rent, and then be able to afford my rent here as well as a single apartment for just me. I'd like to try to get a one-bedroom in this same complex, have my own office space, and have things however I want them. But thats not going to be for a while, and it depends how much money I make. We'll see.
Current mood:
crappy.
So plans are pretty much final for Henna and I traveling across the country this summer. We have to borrow money form Henna's family to pay for rent and stuff, but it all might actually work out. We were pretty much decided on taking a Greyhound bus, cause it's nice and cheap, but Henna's mom called her today and told her about a good fare on ATA airlines. So now it looks like we are going to fly to Chicago, spend 2 weeks there, then bus to Colorado for a week, bus back to Chicago, then fly back to Miami. Should work out. I'm either going to put the Colorado bus trip ($158) on my credit card or see if I can get it from people in Colorado. But I'm excited for several reasons: 1) I'm a little tired and bored or Miami, and I miss Colorado; 2) I get to promote my business in both places hopefully, 3) my family gets to see me. I still am going to try to make sure I can have my Mom and sister fly down for parent's weekend in October, and hopefully I'll have a good car by then to drive them around.
So my ultimate goal is to be a director II this month (July) because I have a potential of getting at least $700 in enrollment bonuses alone, plus advancement bonuses and residuals. I just need to get 7 more people and get someone to sign up another 8 people. Here's hoping.
We bought a Mrs. Smith's French Silk Pie cause I know how much Henna loves them. So were going to go have some pie now, I'll write later.
Current mood:
cheerful.
well its sunday night (actually monday morning, but as college students, a day usually starts at about 10am and ends at 3am.
I'm finding it very hard to sit down and write about my life, even just writing things that have happened, but I'm trying. I'm so proud of myself, I actually turned the TV on, then told myself "no you need to write" and turned it off. I'm getting better.
Well we finally came to the conclusion that it's simply not affordable to go to Matt's beach house this year. Henna still wants to fly to Chicago and possibly bring me with. I'm know she's really confused on some of her feelings for me recently, but it made me feel good to know that she still wants me to come if it's affordable. I was thinking we might take a bus up, it could be interesting (and cheap). Kinda give us the feeling of driving across country without actually doing the driving. We haven't made a final decision on that yet, but we'll see. Hey, maybe we can even afford to bus out to Colorado for a few days, I'm going to check all the prices again after I'm done with this entry.
We just watched Road Trip on TV, I like that movie. Especially the dog talking to the old guy when he's high (even though I'm not really a drug fan). So next step if figuring out how rent will be paid for next month, then figuring out how to pay for the trip, then making enough money in Melaleuca to set us up to cover our expenses over the next few months and hopefully beyond! That's another reason I want to go to Chicago, is to talk to people about signing up for Melaleuca, either just for the products or for the business (hopefully a few businesses!!)
Another thing too: all I think about when driving back home from the office is telling my mom what everything is as if I was picking her up from the airport. I'm really excited for her and Amanda to come down, that's another reason I really want to get enough money together, so I can take care of it if I need to.
But thats all I can think of for now, although I bet something else will come into my mind as soon as I post. Talk to you later
Current mood:
good.
so, the daily round-up: I'll actually start with yesterday, the 4th of July:
It was pretty good, at least the night-time, I went through the day a little depressed for some reason I can't really remember now, but I was probably acting grumpy. All I know is I wasn't really caring about much, and it felt kinda cool. But I know I can't go through all of life like that, nothing would ever get done or happen. But everyone's entitled to a crazy day every once in awhile, right?
anyways, went went to AMC and bought tickets for Scary Movie 2, then went to Dadeland looking for shirts for Matt I think (I was a little out of it, so I'm not quite sure why we were there). We also went wondering around CompUSA, I say lots and lots of stuff I could definently buy if I only had the money
Scary Movie 2 was ok, very funny, but not as much as the last one. I think it was too soon for a sequel too, the first just came out on video a bit ago.
Then we went to A Gables Fourth at the Biltmore Golf Course. It was pretty good, but the best part was spending a 4th of July with my baby bear, Henna. I told her that her face was very beautiful with the fireworks lighting it up. THe fireworks were pretty good, and it took a bit to get out of there with all the crowds, but all-in-all a good time. Coral Gables is nice though, they had parking at the Veneitian Pool and at the Youth Center, and had charter buses shuttling people back and forth. At the UM football games, all we get is crappy city busses that are slow and wait a long time for nothing with the doors shut while people are waiting to load.
but of course a good day had to end badly. Me and Henna had a discussion on our relationship until 5 in the morning, came to a few things, but no definite conclusion. I guess it seems to people that I am very jealous and possessive. But a big problem with me we finally figured out is that I dont give or understand subtle hints like most people. In other words, I can't be passive about something when I'm trying to say how I feel. For example, say Matt says "My bathroom grout is disgusting", Henna hears "I need to replace Matt's grout." Now not that helping other people is a bad thing, sometimes Henna will do anything though. But anyhow I don't pick up on hints like that very well, and I'm no good at subtely giving them either. We still don't know what to do about us, I think we can work it out though, at least I hope.
So today, I went to Gulfstream to do no-shows. It was a hard day, only 4 appointments, but almost no answering machines, only forever ringing. I already wrote about how my organization is doing in the last entry.
We went to Henna's doctor appointment, I hope he can help her out of depression. He seems nice, just hope he's good. His overlooks the waterway, so Henna likes the view. He said they sometimes get manatees in winter. We then were going to get pop for 69 cents a 2-liter, but I read the flyer wrong, it starts friday not today, so we'll just go back tomorrow and get tons of Pepsia dn Mountain Dew.
We just got back from the hot tub and pool a bit ago, and I'm so proud of myself cause I actually was swimming when all I ever think is that I can't swim. Henna was a great help and I think she was proud of me too, I really want to make her proud, in everything I do.
So tomorrow looks fun: no-shows, then come home and I have to do laundry and clean up a bit. hopefully my value pack will come so I can play with my products, otherwise I'm just going to wait for Holiday Inn to call and work on my Melaleuca business by either building a web page or writing out a presentation (once I find my missing New Horizons audio tape), but anyways I'm really tired and my head hurts, only got 1 and 1/2 hour last night.
Current mood:
tired.