Sunday, May 22nd, 2005 
 Armand 2000 - 2005 Two weeks ago, as I studied diligently in New Paltz for the finals that were upon me, fifty miles back home, Armand curled up in the sunniest corner of his hutch to take his customary afternoon nap.  Ever Wonder Why When it Rains it Pours? For the record, I lied before when I stated that I was over Roy. Apparently, there was a grain of truth hidden within my light hearted post about being an actress in training for I put on an performance which even convinced myself. Any misconceptions I may have had about being entirely past what happened between us were hurled out the window mere hours before I learnt of Armand's passing. Carrying a bunch of boxes out to my Dad's car, I happened to be making my way down the stairs in my dorm just as he was heading for the building's door. As if the chance encounter wasn't enough of a sign that perhaps my day wasn't going to be as joyous as I expected, his reaction upon spotting me was more than enough to set my emotions off in a tailspin. He waved, he plastered on a look of contrition and kept on walking. Did our time together mean so little to him that he couldn't even pause for five minutes to exchange proper goodbyes? Is fate seriously getting off on testing my limits? And why, oh why, do I keep blaming myself? current mood:  sad
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(10 Realized the Truth | |
Thursday, May 19th, 2005 Much to the delight of all I've told thus far, I woke up this morning completely done with Roy. Since Friday's experience, I've felt myself gradually moving towards this moment but it wasn't until today, as I stood in the shower of all places, that I washed my hands clean of him. Pun only partially intended. The night before, as I packed all of my belongings, I pulled the postcard he sent me from Florida off the wall and laughed heartily over the line "missing you always." There was no bitter resentment in the act, just a calm realization that I don't want any of what he promised on that bit of mail anymore. I hardly even reacted when Liz asked if he had stopped by the room, after she saw him enter the building as she was leaving with some of her stuff. I don't know if he stepped foot into Lefevre with the intent to see me one last time before heading back to England only to chicken out or if he came to say goodbye to someone else and prayed, with every step, that our paths wouldn't cross but, at this point in time, I could scarcely care less which of the two it was. It took me awhile to realize it but I deserve better than a guy who is fickle enough to decide, within twenty-four hours, to throw away a perfectly solid relationship with his relatively perfect girlfriend (i may be far from a perfect person but there's no debating that I make a damn fantastic girlfriend XD) Still, I can't bring myself to harbor any ill will towards him nor do I regret any of what transpired between us, though I'd be singing a quite different tune had I not remained resolute as far as my decision to not sleep with him was concerned (i'd rather like my first time to be more meaningful, thank you very much). Aside from some heartache and a lot of tears, nothing but good came out of the time we spent together for, in two short months, I grew significantly as a person. Like everything in life, this chapter with Roy was a learning experience if nothing else. However, now, I'm ready to move on. I'm done with school for another year and I'm done with him. May he be happy back in England; I've got a summer full of adventure coming my way. current mood:  determined
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(4 Realized the Truth | |
Tuesday, May 17th, 2005 For Your Listening Pleasure: the Four Songs Currently Getting the Most Play on my Winamp + 30 Seconds to Mars - The Story: Sure, the album officially drops in August but what kind of self respecting pirate would I be if I didn't already have my mitts on an advanced copy? + Placebo - Pure Morning: Brian Molko is sex. Now, while that's reason enough to listen to this song, not to mention most anything else Placebo records, the lyrics are really what makes this such a blinding track. + Nine Inch Nails - The Hand That Feeds: I still wish Trent had stuck with the album title Bleed Through since its only 434948434904x more hardcore than With Teeth but, hey, he's the musical genius who's CD outsold everyone else's last week so who am I to make judgement calls? Besides, it is the man's birthday today so I figure it's best to cut him some slack. He just better live up to his promise and tour more in the fall so I can see him live DAMNIT. + Kelly Osbourne - One Word: ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20050524141151im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} beforeimdead asked me a few days ago if there was any song I've ever been embarrassed to admit I like and while I don't have enough shame to possess such things as guilty pleasures this probably should be one of them. However, it's catchy and often results in me dancing about my room which ultimately is the mark of a fantastic song.--------------------------- Since I was "tagged" by dumdeedum1) Total number of books owned: The exact number is a mystery. At home, the bookshelves attached to my desk are filled to the brim, the black hutch next to my dresser is as well. Hardcovers and paperbacks alike sit on my nightstand, on the shelf beneath my nightstand and on the floor all around my nighstand. There's novels in my closet that I never did return to school and a few boxes full of ones I haven't read in years yet can't bare to part with. But hey, I'm going to have a library in the house I'll eventually own so the more the better. 2) Last book I bought: I have a bad habit of wanting to buy any book that strikes my fancy. So, when Barnes & Nobles was having a sale, I scoffed up About a Boy, April Witch, Shanghai Baby, Winter Zoo, Rides of the Midway and Sooterkin, all for $25. Yeah, I made out like a book loving bandit. 3) Last book I read: Battle Royale, which sadly didn't do as much for me as the movie. That has to be a first. 4) 5 books that mean a lot to me: From off the top of my head, picking on the basis of impact alone and no doubt excluding a few I'll feel bad about later....The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice, The Dubliners by James Joyce, Choke by Chuck Palahniuk, Paradise Lost by John Milton and, ending with some choices from childhood, a tie between Animorphs and the three books that comprise The Fear Street Saga by R.L. Stine. Honorable mention goes to Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark but mostly because the illustrations in it warped me for life. 5) Tag 5 people and have them fill this out on their ljs: novirtuekawaiimiakajackwadbeataadroanzi
current mood:  driven mad by finals current music: Law & Order: SVU
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(6 Realized the Truth | |
Monday, May 16th, 2005 I. Fake ID clutched in hand, she steps into the bar, not with the intention to drink but rather to act the part of a social butterfly for one evening. Besides, with her suitemate Jaime graduating in less than a week, it seems a shame to stay in with only work and a Spanish version of Blade Trinity to keep her company. The plan was to dress up, to go out, to have fun. Only she hadn't expected for him to be there. It was stupid of her not to think she might run into him; he was, after all, the one who helped her discover her taste for the night life. But for once her problem was that she hadn't thought enough and there he was, having the gall to look more gorgeous than ever and winking her way. No fake smile needs to be plastered on her face. Despite everything, she still feels in his presence this unnatural high, this sense of happiness that no one else can elicit from her. It only intensifies as they speak, a good ten minutes spent standing too close for a couple that just broke up. Nothing of importance is discussed but it's what goes unsaid that matters. Every word he utters is whispered into her ear, every sentence is punctuated with a touch. And the whole time, she stands there, wondering how much of what is happening between them is the alcohol in his system and how much of it are those feelings he swore he still had for her when they parted ways. II. She tells Danielle to smack her if she looks over at him too often but her old roommate has seen the bottom of too many Coors to remember the request for very long. Considering how easily she can bruise, it's probably for the best for she can't seem to stop her eyes from wandering over towards the boy who had stolen her heart...only to break it two months later. The strange thing is, she often catches him looking back, only to turn away abruptly when blue eyes met blue. But he shouldn't be allowed to throw longing glances her way. After all, he dumped her. He deemed their relationship unable to work past the circumstances they'd have to face. It was his fault she had soaked through more Kleenex in two weeks than she had the year prior. She thinks all this as she watches her suitemates dance and when she turns back to spare another glance his way, he's gone. He's left for the evening and not even bothered to say good-bye. III. She dances with some random boys, a stupid girl who needs validation. She needs to believe that other guys appreciate what he just threw away, that someone else might find her attractive enough to be bothered with. But, deep down, she doesn't want to hear that she's sexy from this random man she just met; she wants to hear those words from another's lips like she used to. Unable to lead this guy on, she excuses herself and slinks off to the bathroom. When she emerges, her make-up is as pristine as ever. She's perfected the art of crying without mussing up one's eyeliner. IV. She leans against one of P&G;'s many booths, needing a break from the throngs of drunken students gyrating on the dance floor. Perhaps lost in her thoughts, she doesn't see him approach but suddenly he's there, in front of her. She remarks that she thought he had left. When he replies that he had, he doesn't expand upon his reasons for returning...just says that he doesn't know if he should continue looking for the friend he returned with or stay and have a drink with her. She votes for the latter but he doesn't make a move to the bar to buy his beer. Instead, he joins her in leaving against the booth, his shoulder pressed against hers, his arm behind her but not quite touching skin. For a handful of minutes they talk and for a few they don't. The silences are never uncomfortable for her but she can't help but hope that'll he'll part his lips and explain himself. She wants to know what he feels when he sees her, why he's acting like the one who misses lost love. Then the sound system shifts to a new song, one they danced to on his birthday. In an instant, the dynamic shifts. As it reminds her of when they first got together, it does him as well. He pulls away, pulls into himself. He decides in an instant to go, just like how he decided to sever their relationship. His hand slowly traces the contour of her arm as he turns to leave, fingers lingering for a moment, and then he's vanished into the crowd. She wants nothing more than to come up with the magic sentence that will make him come back....or to work up the courage to walk back with him. Yet, she can't seem to grasp either and perhaps its for the best. He is, after all, leaving the country in less than a week. What can she do that'll truly change anything? So, instead, she watches his retreating form, thinks back to how it was and desperately wishes she were home. V. It's five in the morning when she pens the e-mail, figuring she can blame it on sleep deprivation if it doesn't go over well. She wishes him luck on all the finals she knows he has on Monday, telling him that she has faith in him, that he's smarter than he thinks. Then, she adds that it was good seeing him for it was, the mind fuck aspects of the night aside. She ends it by adding that he owes her a drink before biting the bullet and pressing send. She hasn't bared her soul very much but it's enough. By the time the message of conformation pops up, she feels more resolved about the situation than she has in weeks. She just hasn't bothered to see if he's e-mailed her back. current mood:  getting this out of my system
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(15 Realized the Truth | |
Friday, May 13th, 2005 One final down, three to go. Seeing as I'm quite sure I throughly aced my Journalism take home, I'd like to believe that I've started off on the right foot as far as the rest of my examinations are concerned. Now, all I have to do is study compulsively for Elementary Japanese, read the required chapters for Photojournalism and throw together two essays for American Lit 1. Piece of cake, really... ::keeps an eye out for the cleaners:: I'll save beginning all of that for sometime tomorrow, however, for I have a scary movie 'fest on the agenda for this evening. After all, no self respecting horror movie buff can let a Friday the 13th pass by without indulging in some hair raising flicks. First on the queue, Blade Trinity. In watching it, not only will I be getting my all important vampire fix but I figure I can work on further forgetting a certain British boy by focusing all my attention on a shirtless, sexy Canadian by the name of Ryan Reynolds. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, this girl is always thinking. current mood:  in awe of my thought process
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(9 Realized the Truth | |
Thursday, May 12th, 2005  Tragic... Shifting through various documents on my computer in a never ending quest to free up desperately needed hard drive space, I came across a folder of self portraits I took in a fit of boredom this past February.To Be Honest, I Aspire to Be Like Viggo Mortensen. 'Cause Then I Could Write, Act, Paint & Take Photos...All With Skill, Of Course: If I finish my Journalism take home final in a timely enough fashion tomorrow, I think I might post pictures from the Anti-War Protest that took place in New Paltz back in March. I honestly had almost forgot about these photos and now that I've come across them again I realize it'd be a shame not to share them. Hopefully you guys at least tolerate my photographs enough to stick through this current trend in my LJ. current mood: crazy & random, all bundled current music: "The Story" + 30 Seconds to Mars
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(18 Realized the Truth | |
Tuesday, May 10th, 2005 vanima:Ever wanted to see something about my life? I have a digital camera, so REQUEST A PICTURE. You can request anything you want--a picture of something in my house, in my life, in my neighborhood, ANYTHING. I will either post a picture that I already have, or I will take a new one.Added Note: If you've ever been at all curious about my college campus or New Paltz in general, be sure to make your photographic desires known soon for I'll be homeward bound in a week or so. current mood:  thoughtful
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(10 Realized the Truth | |
Monday, May 9th, 2005  ( Photos & Stories From Philly... )   current mood:  creative current music: "The Hand That Feeds" + Nine Inch Nails
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(9 Realized the Truth | |
