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Monday, August 19th, 2002
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7:14 pm - Speechless
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In my last entry I said, "I would be happy if anything out of the ordinary happened".
Maybe I should have been fucking careful what I wished for. Today was the worst day of school so far. Something out of the ordinary DID happen. To put things simply, I got punked like a bitch. By a fucking gorilla sized girl. I was almost certain I was going to get the shit beaten out of me... in front of everyone. But she just opted to punch the cup of ice I was holding up into my face. The funny thing is... I didn't even know her name until we were all in the office. But I guess I was "giving her looks" and "doggin her". Yeaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
I don't even know what to think. I can't believe that even happened. Anyone who knows me knows damn well that I'm not the 'fist fighting' type of person. At all. I was quite terrified actually. And humiliated. I totally like.. froze. Wow. She was telling me to punch her and I just sat there and she was like "What, you don't wanna fight?" and I could barely muster out a "Uh... no".
The thing that upset me most was that I was sitting in among a big group of my friends when this whole thing happened, and not ONE person stood up for me. In fact, most of them were egging her on.
Whatever. It's over with. Quite humiliating... but I'll get over it. I just hope she doesn't try to keep this thing going.
Anyways... after school... I went to McDonalds with Heather, Kiera, Brian, Seth, Shawn, Matt, Ben, and Stevie. Matt threw a milkshake at this lady's BMW as we were leaving... and then she blocked Ben's car and Ben got out of his car and was like "I'm gonna fucking kick your car if you don't move". It was hilarious. Then we went to Matt's for awhile... then to the mall... then I came home. It was pretty fun actually. THAT was when everyone was saying "Yeah if she did anything serious I woulda helped you out"... yeah. I hope so. LOL.
Tomorrow is Yellowcard and Sugarcult. Yay.
Bye.
current mood:  confused
current music: Konstantine
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(5 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Sunday, August 18th, 2002
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3:49 pm - Over and Over and Over Again...
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My life is getting so boring and repetitive.
I don't even know what to write in here.
I hate reading other people's journals when all they ever write about is what they do every day. And that's all my entries ever are. Hypocritical? I think so. There's a couple of people's journals that I actually enjoy reading... that contain real thoughts and interesting, intelligent opinions and reflections and what not... but I basically ruined any good relations with those few people over a stupid argument. Oh well.
Last night, Matt, Shawn and I were sitting on the tables outside of Taco Bell and Matt said, "I'm looking forward to anything we don't always do." He couldn't have made a more true statement. I would be happy if anything out of the ordinary happened. To break this cycle of... standardization. I think it's starting to drive everyone a little crazy. The only problem is that there doesn't seem to be much we can do to change it. We're kinda stuck.
I can't believe it's already 4pm. The weekend days go by so fast.
Byeeee.
current mood:  complacent
current music: Avondale
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(6 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Thursday, August 15th, 2002
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10:33 pm - I choose not to choose life. I find there's something better.
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Trainspotting is the best movie. Is it bad when a movie about heroin junkies makes you feel proud to be from Scotland? Haha, but really, that movie is great. Scottish humor just can not be beaten.
My photography teacher made a good and witty point today on vulgarity. She said that vulgarity is like garlic... good and appropriate here and there... but too much of it is just disgusting. Haha, I'll try to keep that in mind. I'm really, really excited to start taking pictures. I keep getting all these ideas for photos and we probably won't even start photography projects for about three weeks. I'm trying not to get too crazy... because I'll probably have these huge ideas and end up being a shitty photographer. We'll see.
I dropped Honors English today to the regular level. I'd rather get an A in the regular level than a B in Honors... and I could tell that class was going to be extremely challenging. Basically all of my classes were switched around though... it was like the first day of school all over again.
My new spanish teacher has a tennis ball... and he throws it to people when he calls on them and then you have to answer and throw it back. Am I the only one that is completely terrified by this concept? I avoided eye contact as much as possible and pretended to be doing something really important with my folder. I'm now going to dread that all day. I don't know why... it's not like I'm incapable of catching a ball. But, I hate the attention being on me... and having a ball thrown in my direction at the same time is just... too much to handle! Hopefully he'll get the point that I'm avoiding the whole 'ball' thing and not do it to me too much.
I was listening to this song and thought these lyrics were great....
"Welcome to the real world," she said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the dream of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding up my sleeve
They love to tell you
"Stay inside the lines"
But something's better on the other side
I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the "real world"
Just a lie you've got to rise above
Thanks Brent. Night.
current mood: calm
current music: No Such Thing by John Mayor
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(3 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Tuesday, August 13th, 2002
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9:51 pm - You Watch Your Life Go Past
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School was okay.
It's weird how in some classes I talk to people and in some classes I'm Miss Antisocial.
I'm so scared for Spanish. We took this 'pre-test' thing to see how much we remembered from last year and I did so bad on it. Amy Rosencrantz is in my class. She glares at me. Like I give a fuck (or ever gave a fuck) about Mark or something. Nope.
And Honors Advanced Bio. Wow. The name says it all.
I'm already slacking off. I haven't done my math homework. Haha... ooh well. We'll see. It's cool.
I have a feeling this journal will turn into me bitching about school for the next oh... 36 weeks... give or take a few.
I can't believe it's only Tuesday.
This update sucked. Sorry. I'm kind of frustrated right now.
Night.
current mood:  blah
current music: Cavanaugh Park
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(6 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Monday, August 12th, 2002
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10:54 pm - First Day Back
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Today was good. Better than I imagined.
I drove to school. Somebody painted over all the numbers in the parking lot so I just parked wherever. Parked over the curb. Again. I just don't do well with curbs, do I?
Went and got my schedule. Talked to people. They were nice. Amanda called me and told me she got caught for dress code so her mom had to bring her a new shirt. Haha, aww. Amanda and I have first and seventh hour together. We went to first period and just sat around the whole time. Keili, Emily, Ro, White Kid Jeff, Katie Laing and a few others are in it so I think it will be a neat class. Second I have Spanish 3-4... with Ms Varela. It's mostly sophomores so I don't really know anyone in that class. Foreign languages always make me nervous. It's the only thing you can't bullshit your way through. Third I have Honors Advanced Bio. That class is going to be SO hard. But I have Eric Turner and Candace Ruiz in there with me so that's going to be fun. Then fourth I have Algebra 3-4 with Ms Rowan. There's like 7 people in our class from last year in there.. it's funny. She's a good teacher so hopefully math won't be too hard. Fifth lunch... ehh. It's okay. Just lunch. Sixth is photography... our teacher seems a little batty but I'm REALLY excited for that class. Seventh is Honors Junior English with Teeples. That is going to be my hardest class. Wow. But I have Ryan Kennedy and Keili and Amanda in there.
Anyways... that sums up all my classes...
After school I fucking pulled out and snagged my bumper... AGAIN. Wow. I'm so gay.
Anyways... we went to Matt's house... then to Sonic... then I dropped Matt at work and Amanda at home and went to meet everyone at McDonalds. And we sat there for about 2 hours... no joke. Then Matt came back... and left. Then we went to Shawn's house. Then Rachael and Ben left so Shawn and I just chilled. Then I came home.
Then I went to my dad's and he fixed my car. Yayyy.
And now it's time for me to go to bed.
Night night.
current mood:  tired
current music: None
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(1 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Sunday, August 11th, 2002
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1:56 am - So sorry, it's over...
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So that was it. Summer.
Not all it's cracked up to be, eh?
This summer, however, was a bit more monumental than all the other ones. So much has changed in my life during the past few months. The one huge thing being that I have a car now... which is life-changing in it's own way. The others from just every day things I've experienced.
Looking back... I have 2 favorite memories of the summer. The first being my trip to California with Rachael, Matt, Shawn, Ryan, Drew, and Lauren. We spent a day at the beach, boogie boarding and tanning, and then went out that night... and then spent the next day at Six Flags... which has some of the best rides I've ever been on. It was during a time when I was experiencing a lot of drama (am I ever not?) in my life, and I remember being really happy to get away. We all got along really well the whole time... I loved being around them and 'bonding' with them.. and the whole trip was just a lot of fun.
The second being the day of Warped Tour. Meeting and seeing Something Corporate perform again. That just speaks for itself. It was when Amanda was dating Adam... and I brought my sister along. We all got along really well that day too... and I had a smile permanently attached to my face for about a week afterwards.
The rest of the summer is somewhat of a blur. It started with my party. Biggest mistake of my life... but people still talk about it. I definately learned a HUGE lesson from that night about trust. About showing trust, trusting people, and what the consequences are when trust is broken. Was it worth it? Honestly, yes. Because I came out as a stronger (and possibly smarter... on the subject of parties... ha) person after it was all said and done. After that... the summer progressed quite slowly. I spent many a night hanging out at In n Out or some other random place. Sounds boring, but I've experienced a lot of things over the course of the summer. I've become friends with a lot of really cool people. I've also gotten closer with a lot of people I never really knew that well. Regretfully, I've drifted apart from a few as well. I got my license. Eventually got my car. Went to San Diego for a weekend. Went through a little bout of depression for a couple of weeks. But I always have. I had major feelings of isolation and also had feelings of belonging to a tight knit group which was awesome. Stopped smoking. Kept drinking... though not as often as I used to. Didn't really have any 'summer flings' (to speak of), but surprisingly, that doesn't bother me.
And doing this. Sitting online until the sun comes up. Dorky as that sounds. There will be no other time in my life I will get to do this. I became close with the few other people that do this too... forming a strange bond. Thank you for that.
I can't come to any real conclusion. I'm still the person I was before the summer began. The person I've always been. Life works that way. I still make dumb mistakes and I have a feeling I will continue to make dumb mistakes for a long time to come. Do I regret anything I've done? No. It all comes with the territory. I'm living my life. It's having it's ups and downs. But it is an adventure. I'm trying to remember that this is it. Right now. This is life. And I have to take advantage of that. I only get to do this once. And that is a scary, scary thought.
Anyway... I don't want this to go on forever, but that's a bit of nostalgia for ya.
Here's to summer.
Night.
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: None
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(1 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Saturday, August 10th, 2002
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1:55 am - Freak In The Window
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"Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something is my favorite song of all time.
I had fun tonight. I didn't go out until late again so I don't have much to write about.
I went to In n Out (where else?) with Shawn, Zac, Joel, Drew, Vinay, and Leah. Leah gave me this thing to get 40% off at Anchor Blue. Looks like I'm going there tomorrow hehe. So we hung out there for awhile. It was so busy. It was probably like 10:30... I'm used to going either way early or way late and we're usually like some of the only people there so I was surprised how busy it was. I saw Rachel Smith. Aww I love her. I see her everywhere these days.
So after we're done eating, we go to see this "legend" over in the Foothills.
Haha. Whoever was there... that's some funny ass shit.
But I don't wanna talk about it.
So I'm home. Someone pointed out to me tonight that the first Friday of the summer was the night I had my party... and tonight was the last Friday of summer. So much has changed since then, and so much has stayed the same. It's weird to think about.
I'll make a better post about that later on.
But for now... byebye.
I see you
The only one who knew me
But now your eyes see through me
I guess I was wrong
So what now?
It's plain to see we're over
And I hate when things are over
And so much is left undone
And I said "What about Breakfast at Tiffanys?"
She said "I think I remember the film"
And "Yes I recall, I think we both kind of liked it"
And I said "Well that's the one thing we've got"
You say we've got nothing in common
No common ground to start from
And we're falling apart
You say the world has come between us
Our lives have come between us
Still I know you just don't care
current mood: groggy
current music: Breakfast at Tiffany's
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(2 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Thursday, August 8th, 2002
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12:38 pm - Nothing Else Matters
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So last night was so bad.
I didn't even leave the house until about 10pm.
I went and met Matt, Ryan, Shawn, Ian, Rob and Mike at Taco Bell.
Mishap Number 1: Parked car over the curb. Reversed. Hit bumper. Bumper gets fucked up. Right side is hanging slightly lower than it should be.
Anyway, I attempt to go in, the lady says they're closed, I tell her I'm meeting my friends who are inside. She lets me in. We decide to go to Ian's house. Shawn comes in my car. We follow this car we think is Matt through the parking lot and park next to them, and then we realize it's this old chinese couple. Haha. We're dumb.
Anyways, we get to Ian's, look at my car, Ryan says he will be able to fix it with some screws or something. We go to Matt's. I guess they decide they are going to go "water ballooning". They fill up all the balloons. We drive around and they throw them. Then at a red light they get out of their cars and start throwing them at each other's cars.
Mishap Number 2: Shawn has his window rolled down and I think Rob threw one in and it got ALL OVER the inside of my car.
I was quite mad.
I had to go get gas so we went to Mobile and I got gas and cleaned the inside of my car with those paper towel things. Then... I guess Matt had gone home to drop off his car or something so we had to go pick him up again. Then we went to the bowling alley for a little while and hung out with Trevor and some people. Then I dropped Shawn off and come home.
Then at around 2, I snuck out with Matt and we went to Amados. Yumm. Those quesidillas are so good. So we sat and talked for awhile, then we decided to go find some dust off... so we went to like a million stores and finally the Fryes on Ray and Rural was opened. We got some and went into the Men's bathroom to do it. It worked for Matt. He said it's crazy... but it didn't work for me. Oh well. Then some employee came in so we had to leave. So then he drove me home at like 3:30. Today he left to go to Wisconsin until Sunday night. Aww.
So yes... today I think I'm going to the mall... or maybe Urban Outfitters on Mill Ave... and then maybe Ryan will help me with my car (wink wink). So yeah. We'll see.
Byeee.
current mood: hyper
current music: Friends and Family by Trik Turner
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(12 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Wednesday, August 7th, 2002
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1:04 am - On The Verge Of Tears
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I'm in a blah mood. Definately blah.
Today I went out to lunch with Rachael, Heather, Kristen and Kierra. We went to TGI Fridays. It was pretty fun.
Rachael and I went back to her house and chilled for a few minutes. Then we went over to Matt's house to meet Matt and Ben so we could go to the mall. We chilled at Matt's for awhile and then went to go pick up Shawn... and headed off to the mall.
I felt really awkward the whole time I was there. I don't know why. I was just like... blaahhhhhh. That's a good way to describe it.
Anyway we didn't really find anything at the mall... so we went to Old Navy and I got 2 purses. Then Rachael dropped me off at home.
Shawn picked me up at like 7:30 and we went to Chili's with Rachael, Ben, Ryan and Hope. Then we drove all the way out to the drive-ins... but we couldn't find a good movie time so we were going to go to Harkin's. We were gonna pick up Matt on the way, but when we got onto his street he was just leaving... so we followed him and he was going to Lance's house. So we all got out and talked, and I guess Matt was going to get this movie that he bought today and Lance asked me if I wanted to stay and watch it and I said sure. So Shawn left, Matt left to go back to his house to pick up the movie, and it was just me and Lance. Wow awkwardness. Then Matt came back and we watched the movie. It's called "Kids"... it's the weirdest movie I've ever seen. After the movie, Matt and I left to go to Mobile... but the lady who called the police was working so we didn't go in. We called Shawn and we met up with him in the neighborhood. Talked for a couple minutes. Matt drove me home. Got home at 12.
5 days left of summer. =0(
current mood: blah
current music: Cars and Calories
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(2 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Tuesday, August 6th, 2002
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11:12 am - Only thing I know is awkward silence...
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This will possibly be the most redundant post you'll ever read. Forgive me, it's early and I barely got any sleep.
Yesterday.
I went to the mall with my sister to go back to school shopping. But I had no money. I already spent it all. Bleh. We thought our mom would come later and give us money... so we just sat in the food court and talked for about 2 hours... no joke... but then she called and said she didn't have much cash because her wallet was stolen so she doesn't have her credit cards or ATM card or anything... so no money for us. Then we just came home.
I went to go meet Rachael and Ben at In n Out at around 6. They're so cute. So it was just us for awhile and then Fahey and Kiera showed up. Also a cute couple. Grr. Then Shawn came. Then it started raining. I <3 when it rains! I hope it rains on the first day of school. SO then Heather calls. She just got a brand new black Jetta. She just got her license yesterday too. So we wait for her forever. She shows up with Kristen. We all decide to go to Shawn's dad's house. It's so funny how we all have cars now. We used to all just squeeze into one or two and now there's like a train of 6 cars with only a couple of people in each whenever we go anywhere.
We got to Shawns. We sat around.. played some pool. Heh. Matt and Ben (the other one) came over. We watched some of The Fast and The Furious. Then Shawn's parents came home so we decided to go to Starbucks.
Shawn came in my car, and we followed Ben (the other one) and Matt. Well Ben dropped Matt off and then said Starbucks was at the mall so we should just follow him. We were driving up to the mall and Shawn called Heather and she said it was the Starbucks by Polar Ice. So I just flipped around and we were on our way. We uh.. didn't hear from Ben for the rest of the night. Hahaha sorry for ditching you buddy. Anyways, we get there. Rachael had this brownie mocha. Yum. Blah blah blah, more boredom, different location. Ha. Then Stevie and Lindsay show up. Starbucks closes.
We sit in the parking lot. Matt, Ryan, Rob, and Ian show up too. Ian is such a weird kid. Heather, Kristen, Fahey, Kiera, Stevie and Lindsay leave to go home, and the rest of us decide to go to Mobile. I guess they give the guys free hot dogs sometimes. Hmm. Rachael goes home. Ian and Matt are being rowdy and yelling at these guys in other cars. We decide to go to Matt's house. Ben comes in my car. Right as the other guy pull out and we're just getting in the car, a cop pulls up and the lady that works in the car points to Matt and them driving off. The cop takes off after them. Ben and I were freaking out trying to call them, and got ahold of Rob and Ben talked to him for like 5 seconds and then Rob hung up. I guess he was getting pulled over. Ahh.
We go into Matt's house the back way and we saw the cop car with his lights flashing on the street before Matts. We get to his house and it's only Matt and Shawn. We were freaking out a little bit. We kept calling Rob but we never got ahold of him. So we just sat at Matt's house and then I went home at 12.
When I went home, I woke up my mom to tell her I was home, and she told me my sister was still at my dad's. I asked her if she wanted me to go pick her up, of if I could just stay over here too because the computer is here and everything. She told me I could.
I came over. 10 minutes later, Zac calls me and tells me to come outside. Zac, Vinay, Eric, Joel, Amanda, and Jenny are out in front of Jenny's house. We talk for awhile. Vinay asked me to take Zac and Eric home because he was late or something. So I did. I had to go on the freeway and on Pecos. SCARY. I just took Chandler the whole way home.
About an hour later, Vinay tells me him and Shawn are sneaking out and going to Amatos. My sister and I decide to go too. Wow that place is scary at 3am. We got our stuff to go. We all chill at my house until about 4. Vinay and Shawn are so funny. They leave.. I come online for a bit.. then I go to sleep.
And I just woke up. Yeah.
That's about it...
current mood: tired
current music: Wastin away again in Margaritaville... hehe
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(how's it gonna be?)
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| Saturday, August 3rd, 2002
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10:48 am - When it's all said and done...
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Last night. Wow.
I went to some Chandler party with Amanda. It was gay. They had this big paddle and were paddling all the freshman. It sounded so painful. I felt bad. All the guys were being so stupid and rowdy about it too. I wasn't drinking because I was driving and uh yeah. Drunk people seem really stupid when you're sober. I didn't really have a good time because I knew about 3 people there, and it was way too crowded so it was all hot and sweaty inside the house. So I decided to leave at like 11.
I dropped Amanda off and headed over to Ray's little kickback. Heather and Lily were getting back from dropping Lance off at the same time I was getting there. There was a cop parked right at the begining of Ray's street. Scary. Heather and I were supposed to split a 12-pack of Smirnoff Ice, but I guess Lance had drank it all before I got there. Ass. So I get in and say hey to everyone. I decide I'll be crashing either at Ray's or wherever they go so I decide to take my car home so I can drink. I had Shawn follow me and then take me back to Ray's after I dropped it off. Drinking time. Weeee. All they had was this Jungle Juice stuff. I liked it because it just tasted like regular juice. Which is probably a bad thing. I really hate myself when I'm drunk. I'm so lame. Anyway... at around 12ish Matt, Ben, Ryan, Iams, and I decided we were all going to sleep at Matt's mom's house. It was pretty fun being there. I almost smoked... but I didn't. I guess that's something to be proud of heh. So we just messed around until about 5am and then I fell asleep. They woke me up at 7am because everyone had to go home. There's nothing worse than the early morning after a night of drinking. It's horrible. I just felt so... gross.
So I came home. And my mom came over. She was furious. And asked me what I really did last night. I told her I was sleeping at Amanda's. But I finally 'admitted' that I slept at Ray's and he was having a little kickback. Nothing about staying at Matt's or drinking or anything. Then we had a big talk about honesty (being lectured about honesty really holds no merit when it comes from my mom, but that's another story), my car, curfew, etc. When she left, we were on good terms. I'm glad, I hate being in fights with her.
I gave her the keys to my car as she was leaving so she could put it in the garage for me, and she called me and told me she can't get the keys out of the ignition. This has happened to me like 4 times already. I wish I knew what was wrong with it... I need to figure it out before I end up in some public place or going into school and can't get my keys out of my ignition.
Bleh. That's all.
current mood:  numb
current music: "Cars and Calories"
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(8 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Friday, August 2nd, 2002
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12:49 am - And what did I do that you can't seem to want me?
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Blahhh I don't feel like updating.
Today I took my car over to Amanda's. I'm not supposed to have anyone in it but then we went to go meet Matt and some ppl at the mall. We saw my sister there. My sister called my dad. I made up some huge lie and got out of it. But I know my dad doesn't really believe me. I'm such a bad liar. We saw Brian Sellars, Aaron Blanco, Richard Mears and Kyle Windsor at the mall. It was so weird. I always get SO scared around Brian Sellars. He used to be really mean to me... when I was going out with Steve. But now he's nice to me so that's a good thing. Hmm who else did we see... Mr. Ray Gunby and Elena Shaw and her friends. And we saw Evan working at Puppies n Love.
So THEN I drove Amanda home, came home, got in a fight with my dad, called Matt, talked to Jay, got hung up on by Jay, called Ray, called Matt, had Matt come pick me up.
Went to Polar Ice with Matt, Ray, and Shawn to meet Ian, Heather, Lily, Kiera, Lance, Ben, Ryan, Stevie, Iams, and whoever else was there. Lance almost got in a fight with some guy that worked there. Funny stuff. Then we all went to In n Out. Lily went and picked up Kristen. Aww her eye looks so good. So we chilled there for awhile... saw Laurel, Oliver and.. some other kid. Oliver has a full beard now. Haha wow. Sooooo after we almost got kicked out... we went outside and saw Steve Back and some other ppl and we decided to go over to Morgan's house. So ALL of us drove over there. And then we're all just standing on his street. Elena Shaw and a bunch of her friends show up too. We stay there for about half an hour, and then Matt, Shawn, Ben, Lance and I end up leaving and pot one house and go to the gas station to get hot dogs or some shit. We see Miss Chelsea Genduso there! Ah I love her. Thennn we go to drop Lance off and we find a toad in the middle of the street. Hehe Lance picks it up on this poster thing and takes it inside. His little sister Emily is having a sleepover and all the little girls start screaming. It was so funny. Anyways... after that we left and Matt just took us all home.
And that was my night. And now I'm going to sleep because I need to be up by 7:30 to go to some assembly at Chandler High.
Night night!
current mood: calm
current music: "Konstantine"
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(7 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Wednesday, July 31st, 2002
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3:23 pm - And Not So Fast...
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Yesterday was fun.
I went to Sunsplash with Amanda.
We took these adorable photo booth pictures. I can see why everyone seems to have a fetish with those lately. Hehe. They're so fun.
Then we went and ate. I had ice cream and Amanda had pizza. Yumm.
Thennnnn we went and rented a double tube and went on the slides. They were very fun. Especially the blue one. I don't think that had even been built the last time I went there. Hahaha. After that we went on the slides on the other side. They were really steep. Ahh. They were so fun though.
Then we went back inside and watched some guy playing this drumset game thing. And hung out for a bit.
Now the best part! The Wavepool! Wow that was the most fun I've had in a long time. We took our tube out to where it was like 2 feet deep. That's where they have the best waves! We kept flipping and scraping ourselves up though. And aahahaha, this little kid got stuck under our tube, and he came up through Amanda's hole in the thing, and his face was like 2 inches away from her *ahem*. WOW that was SO incredibly funny. The look of horror on her face made it even more funny.
After we did that for about an hour, hehe, it was time to leave.
When I got home, I took a shower because I thought I was going to go to Ray's surprise party. But I didn't have any money so I had to wait for my mom to get home. By the time she got home, Ray's thing had ended so we just went out to Valle Luna. When I got home at like 7, I thought about meeting everyone at the Nile, but I was SO tired, I just went to sleep.
I slept from 7:30 last night until 10:30 this morning. That's a lot of sleep.
Tonight my dad wants to take me out in my car and teach me how to get gas and go on the freeway and "break me in" to driving it so he can feel comfortable with me taking it places alone.
Something Corporate are playing 2 shows in Arizona in November.
Could I be any more excited?
current mood: chipper
current music: "Plucked"
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(3 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Tuesday, July 30th, 2002
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3:05 am - I'm so happy.. cuz today I found my friends..
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I've been having a couple little heated discussions about religon recently, and I found this on someone else's journal, and thought it was beautifully written... so take a look...
i am an atheist. these are my views. i don't know what you've heard about atheism, but it means what it says. "a" is a prefix meaning "none". theism is religion religion. no religion. i don't live for ganesh or jesus christ or buddah. i live for myself. i don't know what other atheists are like, and i don't care. there is no atheist bible. i live by my own moral standards. i am not evil. i am not perfect. i'm just me, and thats the way its always been. i haven't had any problems with it so far.
but i've noticed a lot of stuff that makes me mad. this pledge issue is obviously stirring up some contreversy. i agree with it. why should i, or any other non-christian have to pledge allegience to a nation under God? and most christians say "what's the big deal?" well, i think you would say otherwise if the pledge were changed to "one nation under Allah." no one should have to compromise their beliefs. what i believe in spiritually is my business. its just the pledge, let it go. you have churches, national holidays, media, and the majority. its not a huge loss.
i have nothing against christians. my friends are christians. my girlfriend is a christian. i have been to church. i still go on occasion, and i enjoy myself. but its not for me. i dont understand why people can't accept that. why do you have to force your beliefs on me, and condemn me for just being myself? i don't push atheism on anyone. i don't throw all my ideas on religion out in the open and piss on eveyone who's not like me. because in the big scheme of things, its so insignificant. i look at a person, and i see a person. i don't see a jew, muslim, hindu, buddhist, etc.. i see a friend, a mother, a teacher, or whatever the case may be. if you want to live your life for jesus christ, i will be behind you 100% and never question it, because its what you want, and what makes you happy. the same goes for me. i am happy the way i am. and i don't mind a single bit if you don't understand it, but i demand you accept it without criticism, because i'd do the same for you.---cavan
Mad props to whoever wrote this... I completely agree and only wish I could express myself the way you did.
Anyways, I got my jetta tonight. It's so nice. I'm like, in denial. It's way too good to be true. I have my own car. I can't believe it.
I feel like checking the garage to make sure it's really there. Hehe.
I'm going to Sunsplash tomorrow. Well actually, in about 7 hours.
Night.
current mood: impressed
current music: "Lithium" Nirvana
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(how's it gonna be?)
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| Monday, July 29th, 2002
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4:59 am - I really wish I knew...
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Sometimes I don't know where mine and Amanda's friendship is going.
Apparently I don't know how to be a real friend. Or so she had a conversation with Kevin about and then posted it on her journal. So she obviously wanted me to see it but didn't want to be straight up about talking about it. Kind of like that comment you asked me to leave on your journal.
When we first started hanging out... I think it was at a time when we both needed each other.
But now... I don't know.
Are we getting too different? We both just seem to be turning into completely different people. And it's really starting to affect things.
To put things simply... things are shitty.
But what am I supposed to do about it? I am who I am. Sorry if I'm not a good enough friend to you. Sorry if I don't kiss your ass the way I used to and do everything you tell me to do. Nobody is making you stay.
I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. It's 5:30am. I need sleep. I can barely keep my eyes open. I'll probably get up later and delete this.
current mood: tired
current music: None
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(1 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Sunday, July 28th, 2002
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6:34 pm - You're so much different now...
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New developments have occured on the car front.
I'm not getting the 99 silver jetta. My dad looked in the paper today and saw a private sale for a 00 white jetta fully loaded with leather. We went to look at it today. The lady who owned it lived way out in Scottsdale (again). It was in this gated community. A REAL one. There was a guard and you had to tell him why you were there. Not like our bullshit gate. Haha. The house was SO nice. It had this courtyard and ahh.. it was lovely. The lady opened her garage and brought the car out. It's gorgeous! It has tinted windows and black leather and automatic windows and a sunroof and nicer wheels and a nicer shape in general. AND it has a better engine and pickup on it so it's a lot faster than the other one. Hehe. And it's CHEAPER than the other stripped one I was going to get. So my dad wrote the lady a $2000 check to make sure she wouldn't sell it to anyone else until he can get a cashier's check... which will be tomorrow so I'm pretty sure we are picking it up and getting the insurance tomorrow. Ahh! I'm so glad my dad looked and found a better one because I was ready to settle for the other one. This other one is SO great! I'm SO incredibly happy and excited now!
Wahooo!
The funny thing about it is the girl who lives across the street from me at my dad's (Jenny Anderson) has a white jetta too. Heh... but it doesn't really count because we NEVER talk. So yeah. Hehe.
That's about it.
pe@cE dawGs ;)
current mood: ecstatic
current music: "Heroine"
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(7 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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2:17 am - I would do anything, anything, anything...
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I've decided that there's nothing I dislike more in the world than car shopping.
But I'm pretty sure I've found the car I'm getting. It's a 99 silver Jetta. It's stripped. The windows aren't even electric and there's no CD player. But my dad said he would get a CD player installed for me so it's allll gravy. It has about 30,000 miles on it. I'm pretty happy with it. We're picking it up tomorrow. My dad wouldn't let me drive it home today so my mom has to come with us tomorrow.
Yay for my first car!
We went up to my dad's girlfriend's house tonight. It's wayyyy out there. A few miles past Rawhide. It's so nice out there. Her house is huge and it's just... non-city-like. She has 3 Arabian horses. I dunno if you guys saw Wayne Newton on MTV's Cribs... but he was showing his Arabian horses, and one of his horses is Karen's horse's grandparent or something. She's been to his house before. I'm sure you guys are impressed, right? Anyways... we got to play with them and stuff hehe. And she has two little pugs named Marco and Polo. And she has so much fun stuff in her house. She's my idol. We went to a Mexican restaurant in Cave Creek and then went back to her house for awhile and then came home. I hope my dad keeps seeing her... she's so cool. Heheh.
Night night.
current mood: bouncy
current music: "Anything Anything" SoCo dramarama cover
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(2 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Saturday, July 27th, 2002
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12:04 am - It's not the last
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Tonight was pretty fun.
Rachael picked me up around 8 with Matt, Ray, Ryan and Shawn and we went to Vinay's birthday party.
When we first got there, there wasn't that many other people there. Just Drew, Rob and a couple of others. I talked to Rob, and he was mad at me at first for the whole 'spending the night at his house' thing. I felt so bad. But then we made up after I explained the situation. Then Dylan and Eric and all them came. Then a few girls who shall go unnamed. Wow. Oooh and Richard Mears' brother was there! They look exactly the same!
So in the middle of Solar Radio's performance, Rachael, Ryan, Matt, and I decided to go to In n Out to eat. It was quite amusing. Matt and Ryan are so funny. Then we went to Ryan's house so he could change and get his CDs or something. Then we went back to Vinay's.
By this time, Haffo was playing. And who do I see, but good ol Mark Rosencrantz. If that's how you spell it. Well I wasn't really sure if he hated me too... but I said hi anyways and he was friendly so that's probably a good thing.
Then we just sat around inside, sat around outside, ate Krispy Kremes, and left at like 11:45.
And that was it. Good times.
Tomorrow = Car shopping!
Byeeee.
current mood: content
current music: "Konstantine"
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(2 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Friday, July 26th, 2002
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12:38 am - Neurotic to the bone... no doubt about it
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I watched that bi-polar thing.
Bad idea.
Brought back memories. Started crying.
Especially the guy who would refuse to go to school, and eventually ended up hanging himself. That was me in 6th grade. Except the hanging myself part. My parents pretty much had to drag me out the door and I'd cry every morning and refuse to get ready. I would try to make myself sick so I could stay home. I did things like eating soap (gross I know). I don't know how I thought that would make me sick, but I threw up from the soap eventually. I did not take care of myself at all. I would rarely shower. I'd throw on any old dirty clothes. I wouldn't wear makeup or do anything with my hair. I would come home after school and lie in my bed all day. I never did my homework. And when I did go to school, I just sat there and daydreamed. I was probably too tired... I wouldn't go to sleep until like 3am. I remember nights I would just lie in bed and cry and cry. This was when my parents were going through the whole divorce thing. If my parents didn't have a rough divorce, then I don't know who did. I don't want to get into details, but there were certain events that just threw me over the edge. I wanted to die. I really did. I remember thinking that it didn't really matter that I didn't do well in school, because I wouldn't be around to suffer the consequences for it. That was the mindset I had for about 2 and a half years. And I'd lay there with pillows over my head. I would pull them far enough down so I could barely breathe, and get light headed, and hope that I would fall asleep and wouldn't wake up. Wow, I just remembered how I used to do that. It's so clear to me right now. I'm glad I'm such a pussy and would never do anything to really hurt myself. It just got too humiliating for me to go to school. My teachers probably thought I was the dumbest person ever. The people in my classes probably thought I was disgusting. I begged my mom to home-school me. I was so scared of other people. I was so embarrassed of myself. School was seriously like hell. I told her that if she didn't home-school me then I would just stop going to school and she would go to jail for me not going. That's when she decided I needed therapy.
I went to therapy for only a few months. I refused to take pills. I told my mom if she got me pills she would just be wasting her money because I wouldn't take them. The therapist kind of looked at her like she was stupid when my mom told her she didn't want me on pills. My mom stopped making me go... I wouldn't go along with the 'treatment' process so it was probably embarrassing for my mom to take me and have nothing for them to do with me.
This lasted all the way until the end of summer before freshman year. All through fucking junior high. And people ask why I hated it so much. During freshman year, I was still pretty much antisocial. And I still didn't pay attention in school or do homework. But I took care of myself. I might not have looked too great, but at least I kept myself clean and ate and slept at regular times. So that was a step in the right direction.
But somehow I got better. It just happened naturally.
Even though I still go through my little depressive bouts. But those only last for a few days... a week at the most. And they get better if I go out with friends or do something to lift myself up. Nothing like how it used to be.
I don't know why I felt the need to write all this down. I've never really came to closure or any real conclusion about the whole thing. That's pretty obvious because any time I think about it or get reminded of it, I just start crying. It's so frustrating... and humiliating. I'm sure people that know how I was back then are still pretty disgusted with me now.
But I can't help but thinking that if I did get help... allowed myself to get the RIGHT kind of help... not just talking about nothing to a psychologist who would just sit there and write things down... that I could be a whole lot better off now. I'm a good student now, but I really fucked myself over freshman year. I got 3 Ds for Gods sake. I'm a really smart person... I know people who are not as naturally smart as I am that pull off all A's. That's frustrating. Needless to say, my GPA isn't anything to be proud of. And now I'm suffering the consequences, because if I want to get into a state university then I'm going to pretty much have to bust ass for the rest of high school, and out-of-state might very well already be out the question. It just sucks thinking that something like that could have really screwed me over in the long run.
I don't know where I'm trying to go with this entry. I just had to write this down. This is like a release for me. But I appologize for you having to read all this.
I feel like there's more I want to say... but I don't want to write my whole friggin life story in this one journal entry.
I just had to blow off some steam.
current mood:  angry
current music: None.
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(5 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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| Tuesday, July 23rd, 2002
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8:57 pm - A Tad Disoriented
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So I just woke up about an hour ago.
Sleep DID happen... at around 1pm.
It's so weird when you sleep a whole day away.
When I woke up, it was raining so hard. I opened my shutters and I could barely see the house across the street. I loved it. Then I listened to Hurricane. I would have listened to it anyways. I always do. Heh.
Speaking of that, I was talking to Tonya online earlier today and said something about having a thing for Andrew McMahon, and she was like "You should talk to my friend, she's obsessed". Her screen name was 'MY Andrew McMahon'. How cool is that? So we talked for awhile and it turns out SHE was the girl that was talking to Andrew during NFG at Warped Tour. And she remembered Andrew getting up to give us hugs when we were leaving. I thought that was pretty cool..
My sister went and got her schedule today with her friends, and she got my schedule too. What a doll. I still have to go pick up my books and get my locker on Thursday though. Here's my schedule for this year...
1. *Honors Am/Az History
2. Spanish 3-4
3. *Honors Advanced Bio
4. Algebra 3-4
5. Lunch
6. Photography 1-2
7. *Honors Junior English
My sister said she doesn't know if those are in order or not... why wouldn't they be? I hope it is, because I like that schedule.
Hmmm... I've got back to school shopping on the mind now.
Byeee.
current mood:  awake
current music: "Angel of the Morning"
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(9 told me | how's it gonna be?)
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