Ben's LiveJournal
 
 [Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Ben's LiveJournal:

    [ << Previous 20 ]
    Monday, March 18th, 2002
    10:19 am
    Spring Break from tomorrow=time to finally draw portraits for friends
    *Kate Bush did a Chant song!?
    *Allison's in Maryland now

    Current Mood: busy
    Current Music: beleive it or not, *non*
    Friday, March 15th, 2002
    3:33 am
    me now: "eerie how mentioning little sis' coincides with meeting 'Sissy'"
    *Crash Test Dummies fans unite!
    *riot grrl vents with story of a hyppocrite, then i respond "am i hyppocrite?"
    *hi Chris:)
    *someone saw Rufus Wainwright live!
    *will i finally trade mixes with this girl?

    Current Mood: tired
    Current Music: Sarah McLachlan - Remixed
    Wednesday, March 13th, 2002
    8:37 am
    Little sis is accepted to hard high school!!! (not subject)
    *a girl doesn't want her hispanic roots to be suppressed, so i rant about lazy Americans
    *Selfish people who will just use you and leave
    *new Virgo!

    Current Mood: impressed
    Current Music: The Cardigans - Life
    Monday, March 11th, 2002
    10:10 am
    should rather do homework...
    mix trading!
    this girl's Natalie Merchant's little cousin
    the month May
    which writer are you?
    very nice art of feet

    Current Mood: determined
    Current Music: Le Tigre - Hot Topic
    Friday, March 8th, 2002
    7:53 am
    two today
    a dude acting like i used to's scarying Crystal
    on dating preferences

    BTW, if anyone i've linked to my journal doesn't want that, let me know and i'll remove them from my posts past and future. i want peace and hormony.

    Current Mood: good
    Current Music: Air's Score for The Virgin Suicides
    Thursday, March 7th, 2002
    11:52 am
    Friday, March 1st, 2002
    10:23 am
    Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
    8:58 am
    Friday, February 22nd, 2002
    11:30 am
    some more updates in communities:
    new music recommendations i gave for "angry, screaming, loud pissed-off " music. (girlmusic)
    http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?itemid=24160877&view;=32133746#t32133746

    a new artist in aesthes!
    http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?itemid=24086012
    Sunday, February 17th, 2002
    7:22 am
    Wednesday, February 13th, 2002
    3:46 pm
    More updates on communities
    on my new "Songs to Move On" mix (musicalmix)
    http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?itemid=22782949&view;=32005798#t32005798
    my fav Sarah song? (sarahmclachlan)
    http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?itemid=22329137
    Unlisted Canadian artists (canadianmusic)
    http://www.livejournal.com/talkpost.bml?itemid=23229579

    ..okay...Last night I finally cleared my room for it's walls to be repainted, and touched up on my Sarah portrait some more. Scanned about 100 samples for work. Aced first music test, but couldn't get the questions to answer for my Philosophy responses that were due today...Gotta go to work now.

    Current Mood: busy
    Current Music: discman's batteries ran out... was Sarah's Freedom Sessions
    Thursday, January 31st, 2002
    4:56 am
    Tuesday, January 29th, 2002
    4:40 am
    Updated my user info, joined several communities, finally uploaded an image for people to see. Progress. Still undecided about whether or not to write in my journal.
    Thursday, March 8th, 2001
    6:35 am
    thinking
    up at 4:47 a.m. today at the mall someone i knew from high school passed by my workplace. she was one of the pretty girls, but not even knowing her name, i had forgotten about her since then. but she is pretty. i knew instantly when i saw her face. of course she did not stop, nor did i stop her. i wonder if she remembered me. it’s not important. we will probably never meet again till the big reunion. however, i did relearn something. it’s not just with my current object of infatuation that i get a deep pulling feeling in my chest at sight. it can be anyone pretty, especially a person i have known at some time. it is a feeling that cannot be put to words because it seems to have no reason or purpose. maybe it’s good that i hardly ever feel that way by just seeing pretty girls i do not know. although, it happens in a mild way when i talk with someone in a public or professional situation.

    this feeling seems to put me into a certain mindset. at the weak level, as from exchanging a couple words with attractive females, i start to think about how they always seem to try to stay at a distance, how i usually say something stupid, and having some urge to get an extra word from them. for the short duration of the exchange, my mind is very alert, and i am fully concentrated on the other person. i know i should practice, and prepare, and relax, and have a big smile, act confident, and act natural, and everything else that may seem wonderful. but that’s another issue i just want to take a close look at my feelings, and get a better picture of how i am inside......

    at the stronger level, when i’m feeling sad from being at such a distance from the person of my interest, the power of the feeling locks up my logical thinking, and i do not understand my state of mind other than the memory of how it feels in my chest--wanting to drive a few miles faster; feeling like nothing matters; jealous of everyone else in the world; and an urge to turn up the music volume to my maximum....

    i suppose these situations trigger everyone in a personal way, because it’s natural, and lots of people talk about it in the media. these reactions probably plays some remote part in the most complex emotion, love.

    they always say to learn from other people. to not repeat mistakes. take a look at history. but the fact is, we are all trapped in our own worlds. we only truly know how things feel inside ourselves. you can identify, communicate, and relate. but the only way to really learn anything for me, seems to be from seeing learning more about my own emotions, in their purest forms. most people think they are doomed to be lonely, and never understood. many poets write about the exact same thing, although they describe things in their own style. i think it’s so hard to look into other people's minds. usually you don’t get to hand-pick every person in your life, and most people have enough issues do deal with themselves that it’s hard to really connect with them unless you are in a similar situation. so the people who are in your life usually can’t share their minds with you. so you turn to movies, stories, and public figures. there are so many writings, so many types of entertainment, that most people don’t know where to begin, or sometimes even have the ability to find their own tastes. and the industries concentrate so much on catching the public interest, that they sacrifice too many details and simple truth and you only see and hear what you want to, and enjoy. popular media gives you a false sense of how things are, and how people think. there are many good sayings, and many good teachers--but no saying that is irrelevant or emotionally meaningless has any value to you, and few people have the opportunity to learn from the best teacher for their personal learning style.

    you don’t usually know people who are compatible with you to share thoughts. the history books always seem boring. if you don’t have the outgoing personality, willingness to try everything, and have everything in your life on track, how are you supposed to learn about your soul, and other people’s ways of thinking? and we are expected to learn and understand cultures and customs that are alien to us, so more differences can harmonically come together.

    to me, it seems, people who have the simplest lives, simple friends, family, and look into their own souls, are the ones who find the purest pieces of the truth. some people who have a passion can learn so much about themselves and practical life lessons through that activity, especially when the passion helps them to worry less about life. some people who have a balanced life so they don’t have to be in a rush all the time, seem to know more about life from the amount of time they set aside to stop.

    i was born to be the way i am. my ambitions don’t include educational credentials, or becoming an consistent and reliable company worker. i was made to think before acting, and always seek comfort by avoidance or compensation and planning. i refuse to do anything that doesn’t make sense, and sometimes even things like homework just because the long-term goals don’t seem real. i don’t care if someone thinks i’m obsessed with details because of the amount i think. i don’t care anymore if someone thinks i’m thinking too much, and that’s causing me to be socially anxious. i feel that i have better than average social skills. even though i chose to lead an unsocial life, thinking less will not help me become more social. i’m still self-concious about not fitting in the traditional educational system, and not having a single significant other in my 21 years of life. i’m still self-concious about living at home with free room and board.

    any ways, since i’m not social, or a big reader yet, i find my answers within myself. of course, i know having a limited perception can lead to false conclusions. but thanks to sarah mclachlan, i know that there is always two sides to everything, and just having that reminder in the back of my head helps me to have wider perspectives...so i will cross-reference, always work on efficiency, and plucking potential causes of mistakes in the chains of thought activity. i also know that the human tendency is to only look for supporting evidence for your own opinions, and the other way for opposite opinions. i remember that Jesus said to love your enemies. i know that hate and anger are wasteful emotions. i know my final goal, and that is growth and refinement. i know that your sense of productivity and efficiency is numbed when you’re by yourself. but i also know that i will never stop until there is no more to be done. i will find competition eventually, but right now, i must conquer myself. i have confidence in my ability to accurately see things in the given field of vision, especially visually. my parents are very smart and energetic people, and i am a first generation mix bread, which is said to inherit the best of each parent. by all common standards, i am not on any kind of track to success. but i will take my time. even if i’m not moving very fast now, i know there are many potentials i have to discover, as the athletic potential i continue to dig up in myself with tennis over 6 years. i’m going to teach myself the best lessons, my way, my pace, grow, and hopefully i’m not going to stay lonely or dependent for long.
    Friday, March 2nd, 2001
    2:17 pm
    hmmm
    doesn't even want me to listen. last week was just a temp switch, i thought, and then this monday, it's still jason... i look at the program guide, and...."nooo!!!..the switch is official!" and decides not to host the evening show, even though i had to miss it.. as mr. jason played one song, "it's hard to recover when you're the disease."

    if that pd wants to get back to me, and hurt me, it's working. if the person wants to discourage and dissuade me, they are not succeeding.

    i'm not *that* bad..... plus, my latest promise *is* still kept. everything is going against me. well, at least it's nice to hear a third person's perspective through jason's choices of songs....

    in this person's favorite CD, there's a song that says "you can't decide how i feel"....yeah...but did i ever say or even imply that i can decide their feelings?

    if you didn't get what i wrote, sorry. i want to deal with this myself, as with most things.

    current music: portished / self-titled
    current mood: reasonable despite things going in the wrong direction with this issue, because i just started to train to draw portraits!!!
    Wednesday, February 21st, 2001
    8:37 am
    user info updated. printer fixed, helped the students with their homework for several hours!

    -current music: Peter Gabriel--Shaking the Tree
    Tuesday, February 20th, 2001
    1:26 pm
    Marking a moment
    Well, things over the week end. Drove all over the place...Oh, how quickly gasoline evaporates...Fri: RHS, AVHS, Eagan PO, home, Eagan PO, AVHS, Rosemount bowling...Sat: St. Paul->Burnsville->home->Apple Valley->home->Minneapolis->home->Farmington->home.....Mon: Albertsville Outlet Mall!....(80 mins away?)

    Maybe I won't drive anywhere farther than 10 miles this week...ack.

    On Saturday I got two job apps, and today there's a plan to get a couple more....(northwest athletic, sportmart, p.o., hmm...then maybe cub, cd warehouse, cheapo, northwest air, graphics?) Got to do more research on monster.com & the classifieds, maybe. {--determined to get a job by the end of this week! ...Got loans to pay off, CDs to buy...

    The Rock lecture cornered me....Very cinvincing pastor....Don't know what do do now.

    Bowling was fun...(never was first, but combined score was top, and a pretty stranger girl came up to talk to me for the first time in my life:) I reek at billiards... Finally returned the week-over due What Lies Beneath video. I am broke. The guys are generous about gas!

    Started to read my book on Speed Reading, so the serious reading that I always wanted to do can be started without fear of incompletion...LOL

    Timesis is such a hard game...Maybe I'll get through stage 5 with only one speed power-up by the end of this week.

    New CDs:
    KittyCraft's Kat Skills (still don't get it's goodness), Slumber Party (niiice), Marine Research Project (groovy), Peter Gabriel's Hits (poignant beauty), Sophie B. Hawkins (ahhh...), REM (ol' skool), Madonna's Ray of Light (wow, William Orbit), and a girl named Susanne?...(some are just borrows)

    New artists of interest:
    Jill Scott, the Januaries, Jane's Addiction, Our Lady Peace, a couple more escaped into the subconcious...

    Activities of the day: Helpin Kaz do his library research after school. Searching the aol directory for local Sarah fans.

    Mood: Starting to get slightly anxious & self-concious from being job less.... But I'm more at peace than 4 months ago because I'm getting into top condition, and loving my music, and most importantly, still have a little of self confidence from my last job.
    Friday, February 16th, 2001
    2:48 pm
    Today is a day off at Rosemount high school. Alas, I have to drive the kids to the Mall of America. Guess that means some reading time for me! Maybe I'll go to R.E.I (Recreation Equipment International or something like that) to climb their wall...

    Also, I just wanted to say that it's very sad to really want something that you will never have, and see that that person is having the same problems as you are. HA! Life is unfair. Especially when you're trying to go against the path good old "nature" led you....

    Hmm..update since last post? Well, I got fired for being late after pushing myself to be on time for 2 weeks after the warning. I copied 16 CDs for another female music fan who has twics as many treasures. I've been really lackadasical about keeping in touch with my chat friends because lack of computer time. eBay is not letting my register. I'm having a great time with the new dog who's always locked up or tied up. Feeding the horses on time for the most part. Watching a lot of tennis. Practicing a lot of tennis by myself. Trying to finish a reaction-oriented computer game the hardest way. etc.

    -current music in 1 minute: Dido- No Angel
    -corrent mood: hmm... the way you feel when you're 3 years old and mommy won't give you what you so badly want. not good.

    p.s. if you're reading this journal, thank you.
    Wednesday, February 7th, 2001
    4:00 pm
    something rather than nothing
    tea-box wisdom of the day from the natural food store:
    "There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, can circumvent or hinder or control
    the firm resolve of a determined soul.
    Gifts count for nothing; will alone is great' all things give way before it,
    soon or late.
    What obstacles can stay the mighty force of the sea-seeking river in its
    course,
    or cause the ascending orb of day to wait?
    _ "Each well-born soul must win what it deserves.
    Let the fool prate of luck. The fortunate is he whose earnest purpose never
    swerves, whos slightest action or inaction serves the one great aim.
    Why, even Death stands still. And waits an hour sometimes for such a will."
    ---"Determination", by Ella Wheeler Wilcox
    Wednesday, January 31st, 2001
    1:30 am
    Me. (originally intended to be short..but nothing is with me.....)
    Ben Shixxxxxx. 21. Japanese / American cross breed. Being a Minnesotan since moving from Japan at 15 to also have an American education. Met & befriended over a dozen Japanese exchange students in highschool and since. Oldest of three. Parents' average age 54--work-aholic mom, Japanese national equestrian dad who sends christmas cards to more than 500 people every year. Both graduated from state universities with English degrees.

    Back to me. Very small life. No friends outside of internet (couple dozen) or home (currently living with seven people & a dog). Minimum domestic responsibilities: help w/ homework, occasionally wash dishes, taxi driver for the kids, and feed all pets. Third month on my second-ever part time job. Female music fanatic. Tennis enthusiast. Diagnosed with dust/sports-induced sthsma at 16, overcome at 19. Diagnosed with social anxiety disorder at 19. Stopped the prescription, deciding to take my own matters into my own hands.

    Attended college without an aim or reason for 1.5 years, until where I was suspended. If you can't do the math, that means I've been off from school for a year. Broken heart at 17, and again recently. Went into depression & deep self-reflection after first one. Still unmoved after second one--evaluating things, thinking of ways to get another try at her, 'cause I know I'm good enough for at least one date....

    Still single, but working at a female-dominated natural foods store. Dozen strong female friends online. Collected 200+ female artist CDs. Purchased third relationship-instructional self help thingie made of ink & paper. Spent countless hours by self doing: tennis practice; sleeping; online chat & auctions & e-mail & chats; drawing imaginative/girl portraits; or just thinking quietly.

    Going back to the University in summer. Joined college student - early 20's singles' Christian group two nights ago. (no, i'm not a devout Christian at all) In their lecture, I learned that "letting down people you should have loved" is the worst crime in this world, according to Dante; but still actionless in review....A little overwhelmed with the things I'm starting to fall behind in.

    Now I want to concentrate to: get myself & the highschool team ready for this tennis season; practice English-Japanese translation with songs; keep my room cleaner.

    Was just threatened by aol user "Qaz Wer T45," saying "you'd better knock it off you freak. watch it. i'm just stating the obvious." Only have one idea what that person was talking about, but that idea isn't for certain....

    ~_.,@#$%^&*~_.,@#$%^&*~_.,@#$%^&*~_.,@#$%^&*~_.,@#$%^&*
    My Strengths:

    Complete bilingual. Physically almost fearless. Near-advanced free rock climber. High concentration level. Keen visual perception. Drawing artist. Constantly thinking. Math/Physics/Philosophy/Strategy/Organization.

    Quick reflexes. Better-than average endurance. Never tires of fascinations. Good sense of balance. Self-taught 4.5 level tennis player. Horseback rider since 3. Healthy diet. Confident to be one of the strongest men around, under 140 lb.

    Tries hard to not have enemies to: not seem ignorant; please family; not be hypocritical: better understand the definition of being a good; not have opinions without factual knowledge nor with valid /complete view point. Hungry for self-improvement, not success. Christian spirit. Buddhist philosophy. I don't want validation or recognition, but to always try to do things better, like Thomas Edison said. Serve family, friends, community, and maybe I'll be better accepted. Reserved.

    Note: My first impressions are always better than after people know me...
[ << Previous 20 ]
My CD list   About LiveJournal.com