Recent rants... My calendarA> My friends
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Nigel's LiveJournal:
| Friday, January 24th, 2003 | |
| 17:22 | bow down to me and worship me as your king |
| 17:21 | i am the emperor of doom |
| 14:36 | THE COMMENTS THAT *THEY* DON'T WANT YOU TO READ!!! OK, since I'm in a state of hostility with jenn and Alexys--even though Alexys was the only one who said anything, Jenn not having the balls to confront me--I figure it's OK for me to post: THE COMMENTS THAT ALEXYS DELETED FROM MY LIVEJOURNAL!!!! With commentary! Deleted Comment #1: >>You are wrong, Richard. >>And your naive My naive what? My naive personality? My naive mental state? MY NAIVE WHAT? >>just like those kids up there on the stage. Because you talk about things you dont know >>jack shit. I'm thinking this sentence should be "...thinks you don't know jack shit ABOUT", but then again, I'm naive, so how would I know? >>so you know, that makes you no fucking better than them. >>I think its funny how you assumed i was jenns drug dealer Which I didn't. >>when i havent seen her since october. Which I knew. >>and she gets all her stuff from people in the town she lived with. Which makes sense. Nothing new here. >>and thats another thing. >>Where the fuck do you get off passing judgements at other peoples lives? When said life shows no compassion or empathy or ambition to look past its own nose to see it's being a total bitch towards people who care about it and who it ostensibly cared about. >>Again, this makes you just as bad as those people up on stage dissing queers. I'll restate what Tina said: They're bashing a group, I'm expressing my opinion on situations that happened to me. >>So Shut the fuck up about your bitching and moaning, no one wants to hear it. If no one did, Alexys, then why do I have comments? Why do I have a group of people who feels the same way I do? So, I reply to this comment with: >>Woah--Jenn's drug dealer? What? >>When did I say that? >>Show me where I said that. >>I never said that. A few minutes later, I get the following comment: >>Not in that entry. >>see but the thing is - you cant trust other people with saying things and assume they wont >>get to the people they were about. Notice how I choose my words carefully all the time. I know you're feeding Jenn every single bit of this information. And I could care less. >>and i think the conversation went something like. >>i want jenn and alexys to get together. I did say that when I first met Alexys, cause I did like her, and I liked Jenn at that point, and I knew Alexys liked her, and I felt, hey, they would be cute together. >>i dont really like jenn, I admit to saying this after the shit she pulled recently. >>but i dont really like alexys either. Never said that. >>and then on about i was her drug dealer. >>-which- i'm not. Which I never thought you were. >>and you can deny it but that would leave me to wonder as to why someone would make up >>something you said. Dear Alexys: Pull your head out of your ass for a second. Do you not see? Are you that in love with Jenn to realise that she knows we've figured her out? That she's turning you against us? We're not the bad guys here. >>because they really dont get anything from that, you know? Other than self-justification and self-vindication. Cause I understand what she's thinking. She needs to have someone on her side to feel right. I don't think there are too many people here who would take her side on this matter. You're so far removed from this and so all about her that you can't see the truth for what it is. >>and i still dont get how you can go off judging jenn on her choice of lifestyle. Should I let her get away with hurting everyone I care about? I'm through with this shit. Nigelthezebra the Livejournal Account is now closed. I'm not posting entries here any more. See, Jenn, I can burn bridges too. People I care about, you'll be hearing from me once I find a code to start up another one of these things. And that journal will be free of this high school bullshit you never grew out of. |
| Thursday, January 23rd, 2003 | |
| 16:27 | NIGEL COMBATS HOMOPHOBIA ON CAMPUS: PART ONE: INTO THE NIGHT (i dunno, it sounded cool) So. I decide to tell my father about the incident. He knows some people at my school and directs me to one of the priests who is in charge of Community or Student Affairs, don't remember which one. Karena happens to have class with this guy, so I pop by her class after it's done and ask him for a few minutes of his time. I outline the situation. "Was Rosario or anyone there?" Rosario is the head of the Student Activities Board. She's friendly--let me use her phone to call my dad on Sept 11 when all cell phones were down. "No," I say. He thinks. Decides to talk with her in the next day or two. "Meanwhile," he tells me, "write down some guidelines that you think should be followed." The following is what Karena and I came up with: 1. There will be a university employee present through the show responsible for enforcing guidelines. 2. Signup sheets and a master of ceremonies will be present to facilitate the operations of the event. 3. All materials must follow community standards of the university. Violations of these include, but are not limited to: a. Sexual harassment of all forms (homo/hetero/bi-sexual). b. Discrimination/bias/hate speech towards any racial/ethnic/gender/sexual orientation/etc. group. c. Blatant threats towards any other group or individual. d. Promotion of illicit behavior, including, but not limited to, drug use. e. Promotion of any of the above activities. 4. Artistic endeavors are encouraged, but they must follow the university free speech policy, reprinted as follows: B. Freedom of Speech and Inquiry in a Catholic Institution Intellectual inquiry and pursuit of truth is at the core of the institution?s Catholic tradition and values. As such, students are encouraged to: 1. express their views in a reasonable manner; 2. examine and discuss all questions of interest to them; 3. take seriously the right to learn in the spirit of free inquiry; and 4. be informed of the purposes of all research in which they are expected or encouraged to participate, either as subject or researchers. Can be viewed at: http://studentaffairs.shu.edu/handbook/comstd_rights.html 5. Anybody found disregarding these guidelines will be dealt with on per offense basis. a. First time offenders: a written warning from the faculty supervisor in attendance b. Second time offenders: prohibition from performing at the next open mic. c. Subsequent offenses: students will be subject to disciplinary actions outlined in the student handbook as per their respective offenses and will no longer be able to perform at open mic events. All in all, I think it will be well received, and notice how there's nothing in there to prevent me from swearing. I'm glad I'm doing my part. |
| 16:15 | Fuck it. I wanted to get metaphorical but it's not that time right now. I don't know what to feel. But girls, you have no right to make me feel this way. If you don't have the balls to have a serious conversation with me--if you've got to avoid me--because, face it, I'm not the most difficult person to be in contact with--and/or make thinly veiled insults-- --well, I don't have to deal with that. I'm not dealing with that. I've grown up. Jenn, you were a phase I went through. Plain and simple. I'm sorry. |
| 2:26 | This will be long. So: Tonight was the open mic. I get there. I order tea. Smoke my usual pre-show cigarette with Tori. Chat and bullshit. Chapster recites a Henry Rollins poem. Then: Two kids get up in succession. One sings a cappella. He's got a good R&B; voice. He sings one song detailing things wrong with society. There's a verse dedicated to homosexuals. Whatever. I'm used to hate speech, or so I tell myself. I can deal. Kid #2 comes up and recites a poem he'd written that includes lines to the effect of "Dykes and homos coming out of the closet, and people are acting like that's OK." I am dismayed. So: When I play accoustic, I normally sit down. I don't use a guitar strap. I don't need it. I find it easier. Inspired by the events, however, I pull out my rainbow strap and put it on my guitar. I open with Caribou by the Pixies--that's the song I decided to play. I do a good job. My friend Tori is singing along. People are interested. Then: ME: This goes out to our...dear friend Jenn. Whom we all know and... MARK: (shouting from across the room, anticipating "love" will be the next word out of my mouth)) Yeah, right! ME: Uh...know. At this, Bolaka moves closer. I launch into Jenndisaster Redux, the poem I posted a day or two earlier. The majority of that--the first two verses--were written genuinely to Jenn as an affectionate bit. I added the more sarcastic verses inspired by recent events. TOTAL SONGS RICHARD HAS WRITTEN ABOUT PEOPLE HE'S NOT FOND OF: Too many to count. NUMBER OF THOSE SONGS HE NEVER EXPECTED TO WRITE: 2: House of Leaves about Felber, and Jenndisaster Redux about Jenn. I sing clearly--something out of character for me. I normally mumble. When I say the line "I fuck who I want", I look at Bolaka and spit the line out. I feel--not pity for the kid, that's too condescending--but maybe--I don't know. He's not a vindictive person. He doesn't deserve what Jenn's done to him. Whatever. I finish. Applause. I do a quick version of Slave Lake. I haven't played that song live in a long time and it feels good and comfortable. I was on tonight. I did well. This is one of my better shows. Then: One of the girls in the SAB comes up and says, in a very snippy tone, "Just want you to all know, profanity is not acceptable." Right. And homophobic comments are. Kid #2 comes up and recites another poem he wrote. It's heavily erotic. I enjoy it--it's well written. "Hey," I say to Brian. "As a joke, I should go up there and say, 'Just want you all to know, Christians don't have sex. That's unacceptable.'" "No, don't!" Brian says. He's right. The SAB wouldn't get it. The kid might think I'm criticizing him--I'm not. People miss points. A kid comes up and tries to do standup. He's bad. He swears a lot. "Hey, profanity's not acceptable," I shout. He's not funny. Sample of his jokes: Q. How do you separate Greek men from Greek boys? A. Use a crowbar. There's bored conversation. "I've got a good use for a crowbar right about now," I shout. "Let me get my Extend-O-Hook (tm)" Mark says. No reaction to his language. Tori comes up and plays. I've loved this girl's music forever. She plays "Kiss the Sky"--a song to her mother that passed away. It's my favorite of her songs. It's emotional. I'm almost tearing. I hug Brian. I am angry about: Homophobia that's blatantly expressed and not reacted to. People who don't understand artistic reasons for swearing. See, I'm a writer. I choose my words carefully. In this post alone I've debated over a lot of word choices. I'm a firm believer in le mot juste. How to describe Jenn having sex for kicks? Fucking. There's no other word. Can you think of one? "I screw who I want?" Same meaning, different sense. See: Fuck is a powerful word when used properly and sparsely. SLIPNOT: Fuck it all! Fuck this world! Fuck everything that you stand for! Not powerful. Used too much. ME: If you want me so badly, why the fuck don't you have me? Powerful. Angry. Fits the sentence exactly. Necessary. They don't understand this. Everyone in that room was over 18. Everyone in that room had heard it before. The anti-gay lyrics were more offensive in my mind. I want to do something. Write a letter to the school paper or something. I'm not sure how to go about it. I want to get across the point that I feel it was unfair that they could allow hate speech--and really, let's get it out on the table: however mild it was, it was a form of hate speech--and disallow how I feel. What solution would I have liked? Disallow both hate speech and my song? No, for obvious reasons. Allow both hate speech and my song? No, because I feel the hate speech was wrong. Disallow hate speech and allow my song? No. I don't want to stop the kid from saying his piece. I'm all for free speech. It just seems like there's a double standard. I'm not gonna cry the discrimination card--that's not what I'm doing here. Or maybe I am. Maybe I should. I'm gay, dammit. I don't like hearing that my people are part of what's wrong with society. I'm an artist, dammit. I don't like being censored to prevent offense. Maybe I'm just a pissed-off kid who swears too much. I don't consider myself easily offended. But...that's just wrong. I go on stage and sing about niggers being the downfall of society. I'd get beaten. I just hate the fact that I'm expected to sit quietly while I listen to how I'm sick and wrong. Because I'm neither. |
| Wednesday, January 22nd, 2003 | |
| 20:39 | hi, i'm richard, i like having my butt stuffed. hehe. i'm cool. everyone loves me. i play guitar and sing and have everybody adore me. lalalala. i love my brian. he is cool as hell. hehe. i play final fantasy on my playstation 2 every day. i'm so cool, i'm chilly. hooray for computer game nerds. we rock. lalalala. hear me singing? aren't i the greatest singer ever? i'm a rock star! weeee! i have a crush on every boy! i'm boring. i live in boring town. can i have eggs? see, i suck, so this is what i have to do to make up for it. love me! everybody! NOW! or else the wrath of satan will take over and steal all your chickens. i need the chickens because i will sacrifice them to the aliens on top of the tallest mountain. what is the tallest mountain, you ask? well, funny you should ask that, i happen to know the answer. it is turkey mountain in nearby pekwanack. they are cool people there, like my friend karena. she rox0r!!!1 okay, i am all out of famously great things to say about karena for if i continue to talk, i will never be able to finish praising her. did i mention that she rox0r??//?/? okay. good bye. don't forget, LOVE ME AND GIVE ME YOUR CHICKENS!!!1 Nigel's Mood: gay Nigel's Music: gay stuff |
| Tuesday, January 21st, 2003 | |
| 21:34 | Open mic tomorrow. I'm taking suggestions as to what song I ought to cover. |
| 21:05 | she wears rainbows in her hair like barrettes she holds angels in her eyes of silver she takes her time and she smokes her cigarettes she has features she has previews what would i do if i didn't have you? boy sets fire to her rainbow brite shoelaces i'm inspired and i have a place to hide she has attractions and she has me too forget everything you know about me cause i'm just not that person any more forget the late nights and the cigarettes and the times we cried in each others' arms do you still want me? do you still need me? i do what i want i say what i want i live how i want i am who i want i fuck who i want i smoke what i want i drink what i want i dick over who i want i am what i want what would i do if i didn't have you? i'm your number one. |
| Monday, January 20th, 2003 | |
| 13:34 | You might think this isn't a big accomplishment... ...but last night I finally got to Disc 2 of Dragon Warrior VII! Rock! |
| Sunday, January 19th, 2003 | |
| 22:29 |  "Have you been a naughty elf? This leatherclad orc wants to punish you with spankings!" *rolls dice*
And if Chris Cornell were involved, I'd be GREAT! |
| Friday, January 17th, 2003 | |
| 1:45 | Sorry things blew up in my face. I don't consider it my fault, though. Just letting you know. My computer fucking sucks. |
| Thursday, January 16th, 2003 | |
| 15:36 |  You Are An Eyebrow PiercingYou think most people who get peircings are posers - Unless they have a ton of them, like you. You've been known to scare young children for fun. You've got more holes than friends... and are proud of it! What Piercing Are *You*? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva Interesting, since 'cause of the glasses I'm unable to GET an eyebrow piercing. |
| 8:13 | Dear all people who consider themselves "winter" people and ENJOY the cold, and the snow, and the short days: FUCK YOU up the ass HARD and OFTEN. I'm never speaking to you pricks again. Thank you. |
| Wednesday, January 15th, 2003 | |
| 15:09 | |
| Tuesday, January 14th, 2003 | |
| 8:51 | Things that Suck about Living in a Dorm part 34250394u5: I've left my glasses in my dorm bathroom. There is someone showering currently. I have class in 10 minutes. The showerer is showing no signs of slowing. |
| 2:47 | The bad part about having a permanent INTERWEB connection is that it's possible to write down my random 3AM thoughts for all to see. But, here goes: What's so bad about Soylent Green being people? It's an honest question. I mean: you're living in a society with next to no nutritional resources. People are dying anyway. There are no religious burial procedures that I can remember in the movie--it's not like you wouldn't eat people because it's sinful. Eating people--prepared properly, of course--is what saved society and makes much sense. Charlton Heston figuring out Soylent Green's secret and (we can assume by the way the movie ends) his decision to broadcast it to the world actually could doom society. Cannibalism is--largely--socially unacceptable. Note the notoriety of the Donner Party--in a situation where fellow humans were indeed the only source of food. To this day we know their name and their story. It's understandable that the Powers that Be in Soylent Green's society would want to keep things under wraps--had they been up front about things--"Hey, this food you're eating, it's fellow humans, but that's all we got"--most would refuse. When you're in a war-torn society with few people around, you'e not going to do anything that could possibly kill off more people. Eventually, the societal taboo against cannibalism would be phased out, but at a cost that society is not able to pay. So, I ask you again: What's so bad about Soylent Green being people? |
| Monday, January 13th, 2003 | |
| 23:39 | So remember Craig? Radracer82? What about Eric? The stalkerpsycho from Brooklyn? Brian and I have since decided they're one and the same. So I IM Eric and we have the following discussion: nigelthezebra: Hello, "Craig." nigelthezebra: Just wanted you to know that I know your game, you fucking loser. BuryTheBoy: ? did i miss a memo here nigelthezebra: RadRacer82. Don't play dumb. BuryTheBoy: ohkay BuryTheBoy: mental note nigelthezebra: And Brian Carr says hi, by the way. BuryTheBoy: brian carr? nigelthezebra: Yeah. nigelthezebra: You know him. BuryTheBoy: giv me something here nigelthezebra: peanus1984--ringing any bells? BuryTheBoy: oh mr i love you brian nigelthezebra: Now I'm the one that needs clarification. BuryTheBoy: i don't know what you want but please leave me alone BuryTheBoy: huuge mistake to accept your message nigelthezebra: You're Craig. RadRacer82. It's not below you to do. Just wanted to know I've figured you out and I want you out of my life for good. nigelthezebra: I'm done now. BuryTheBoy: i think you got it wrong nigelthezebra: Really? The pictures he sent me were apparently identical to ones you sent Brian. nigelthezebra: Your voices, in retrospect, are oddly similar. BuryTheBoy: i've long forgotten you and havent thought much of you BuryTheBoy: its been a year BuryTheBoy: don't be so full of yourself BuryTheBoy: and i wouldnt believe everything that brian says BuryTheBoy: another mistake BuryTheBoy: but whatever nigelthezebra: ::laughs:: nigelthezebra: Hey, I have more reason to trust him than you. BuryTheBoy: right BuryTheBoy: thats what i thought BuryTheBoy: it doesnt matter nigelthezebra: Well, look, I'll take you at your word on the Craig thing. BuryTheBoy: i don't want to play this game nigelthezebra: Hey, you're the one that started with the games on my birthday last year. nigelthezebra: But as I said, I'm done. nigelthezebra: Bye. |
| 3:41 | It's like this: You sit in your bed thinking-- --high school; trips to see Rent; punk shows; the fact that you have an actual boyfriend; the fact that most people on campus know you by sight, if not by your name; the video games you're playing; the books you read; the websites you visit; the cigarettes you keep meaning to give up; the guitar you haven't been playing much; the time you waste; people you wish you still kept in touch with; relationships that have faltered; the former friends that never call you-- --you remember the phrase translators are traitors and wonder if something important's been lost between your brain and the page. |
| Sunday, January 12th, 2003 | |
| 15:58 | Nigel's back at school. His room is so freezing, he's talking in the third person. |
