|
|
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
| |
4:39 pm
|
"Apple Ramble" (in D minor) version 1.2
You are the apples of my eyes -
a Macintosh, I believe
(concurred, when asking Magritte).
It's never difficult to see
the roses of your cheeks
though my pupils be blocked
by the Golden Deliciousness of your skin
Makes it a challenge to traverse
the sidewalk
constantly jostling, bumping into
everything
making appled chunkes
which I'll bake into pies
from the loveliness in my appled eyes.
We'll enjoy a festive Gala in Fuji,
send postcards to Granny Smith
requesting clothing the Snowman in pants
and removing his questionable dress.
I often inquire of which tree
could ever let go of beauty such as thee
Or, maybe
you took pity upon me
when you saw me sleeping
at the foot of your trunk
you jumped to awaken my slumber
aiming a kiss for lips
a'snoring I shifted, you missed
and you crisped me right in the eye.
Now, first upon my gaze
is your smooth skin clearing the haze
enveloping me completely
when I was lustily keen
for Ms. Peachy,
or a worthless ho for Ms. Mango,
and a sad villain for Ms. Water's melons.
I admit I can no longer hide:
I'm drunk with the taste of you
public, private, in cider
or outside.
You've become the fiber of my being
I never want to lose
our saucy relationship.
I fondly praise the day you jettisoned
from a tree, branching out and hitting me
in the face, missing my egg noggin.
It's the best black eye I've ever had.
And your ready deliciousness
have all my friends leafy green
with jealousness. essness.
Into the sunset we go cooking
your kisses so spicy with cinnamon
I've no problem averting all flirtations
from the over-sexed Mrs. Cucum-Ber.
With our babies Caramel and Candy
we are the model organic family.
The happy fruition of love's labors
orange you thankful we met?
Olive Juice.
by Tortilla Montpelier
current mood: apply. bite me.
|
|
(6 comments | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, December 30th, 2004
| |
12:11 pm
|
Day +4
Hello friends, writing to you from my fave place on the earth, Australia; I'm in Sydney right now; Been here 3 full days and it's noon on the 4th.
Feels great to be back, very different from last time, which I fully expected, so good to see my friend's Pen, George, Mike & Pete; meeting friends of theirs for the first time; walking around the neighborhood where they live, checking out a few bits of the city so far; etc. Staying for a few more days in Sydney then off to see different parts of Oz I didn't get to last time. Still working out the where/when of that.
Evidently I brought cold weather with me. I landed at 6:10 am Dec 27th and by 7am it was pouring rain. Since then it's been very chilly and very very windy. So I've managed to knock out their summer heatwave briefly.
I don't really have a Sydney agenda, just to chill with friends, walk around the city as before, take some photos, might do a day trip or something after the new year, I'll be looking into that later on today as well as booking trips to the other parts I want to see. In that respect I wish I'd travelled a little lighter than I have but I like the idea of having my guitar with me & my photo equipment. It's a good thing.
I hope you all enjoyed your Christmas / Holiday celebration(s) and that new year's will be equally enjoyable or superlative. Save some new year's kisses for me. Really nice, tasty full-on sugary ones. Knee-buckling head-spinning eye-fogging breath-stealing juggernaut kisses.
Y'know, I mean, if you have any leftover.
current mood: good
current music: Plankton: The Undertone
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, December 25th, 2004
| |
1:55 pm
|
|
| |
5:42 am
|
T Minus 12 hrs
I ended up buying that Crumpler camera bag I mentioned. I decided I'd spent enough time looking at it and even researching it on the web and going through it by hand at the store. There are some things about it I don't like, didn't from the start, but I liked the design of the bag (and the others they make) as well as the hiqh quality material used and what seemed to be tons of space for my 2 cameras and accessories, except I now have 3 cameras, so it's been a good challenge to fit everything in there, actually; It's entirely possible that as big as the bag is, it's too small for what I have. Also, I may even be better suited buying another bag for walk-around purposes, as this is a heavy duty backpack (also has a separate compartment for a laptop! now I just need to buy one of those too!); This is great for long hauls, but for everyday walking I think I now know I can benefit from a shoulder bag that doubles as a camera bag & Crumpler makes those too.
Packing clothes was darn-near effortless in comparison. In fact, I've decided that instead of leaving 1 of my cameras behind, I'll just pack it in my clothes bag and bundle it between shirts and hope for the best; That and some other camera odditie will be able to make the trip in my clothes bag instead of being left behind.
Still a challenge ahead because I have to find room for a couple books (reading), a couple of CDs and some blank books (journalizing); And I'm bringing my guitar so I'm really bulking out this time; hopefully there'll be plenty of time to make carrying the weight worthwhile.
Merry Christmas to all my North American friends; I'm very tired. Re-watching what is becoming one of my very favorite Aussie movies and one of my personal faves period, The Nostradamus Kid starring Noah Taylor and, omg, Miranda Otto; I'm happy to boast I knew and lusted after her long before Lord of the Rings was out. Anyhoo... this movie is up there with The Year My Voice Broke and it's sequel, Flirting, both of which also starred Noah. Not at all sure if these films have anything remotely resembling a broad appeal, but they get me where it counts and I'm all too happy to watch them repeatedly (even if right now I'm only half-watching due to packing).
I'd actually love to go to sleep, but I need to solidify the packing sitcheeyashun. Then I gotta clean up (myself, my room) and a small list of other duties. I can sleep on the damn plane (even though I hate that upright sleep nodding thing).
There was a wonderful few minutes around 6pm tonight where the roads were mild, the light was of a particular quality that isolated yet beautified, I took an exit and as it curved around revealed one of those gorgeous red-orange-yellow sunset skies that you never tire of seeing. It was something about these few minutes that made my entire week, sort of the connecting with the memory of similarly wonderful days this particular time of year, and probably also on Christmas Eve. After my last stop (Target, who came through in the clutch), the sky was so incredibly dark despite the street lamps; then it was isolatory without the same kind of beauty, though it was still showing you something awesome. How consuming (of light) its influence can be.
Time to treat myself with a Toblerone (bought on impulse. I love them but rarely eat them) and then re-commence packing and finish it.
Until the next time
current mood: very sleepy
current music: film, The Nostradamus Kid
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, December 24th, 2004
| |
7:04 pm
|
DAY 1- part B
Merry Christmas & happy holiday celebration(s) to all my friends in UK,Europe & Scandinavia; I don't have any friends in Africa, but good chance I have long-lost relatives there. Peace to you all.
current mood: no more shopping until 27th
current music: the air passing from one ear through the other
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
3:49 pm
|
DAY 1-
Merry Christmas to all my Aussie & Asian friends overseas!
current mood: Last bit o' shopping
current music: NPR
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
2:25 am
|
DAY 1.5
I used to be good at shopping. I used to come home with bags full of junk (even if half of it was for me); Seems like I've been shopping 2 days in a row WITH a pre-prepared list and I've come home with like 3 things. And I've been blessed with no crowds hardly at all, so it hasn't been like I've had to fight for shopping breathing room and that was keeping me from achieving my list goals. I have no excuse.
Been eyeing this camera backpack by Crumpler. It isn't exactly the model I want but I could definitely use it. So I may end up buying it tomorrow, instead of waiting until Tuesday after xMas.
Tomorrow (today) is hopefully an early start, so I'll cut short here, just wanted to check in, staying in your good graces, tickling the air with little cotton candy.
Goodnight, sweet taste.
current mood: sleepy
current music: Jomi Massage
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, December 19th, 2004
| |
6:53 pm
|
DAYS 10,9,8,7 & 6
Several very low key, sleepy days. Getting minimal amounts done, pointedly taking it easy, rediscovering an appetite (food), peripherally planning the sale, disposal, donation of minor items, completely avoiding any store, shopping centers or populated areas - aside from the post office because I have to be there (the beauty of it being I'm a business card holder so I go straight to the front of a separate line and I'm in and out usually in less than 15 minutes; beautiful); Trying to cram some movies in before I cancel my Netflix subscription; Greg the Bunny 2-disc set; The Mirror of Maya Deren; Harold Lloyd Collection; Angels in America (none of 3 damn DVD players are very successful at reading this disc so I've only been able to get through the 1st episode and a third of episode 2);
It's fairly amazing (and a little sad) how I can so easily circumvent the Christmas bruhaha in such a major population center. I'll be driving later in the evening and find my way passing some neighborhood that's gluttoned with lights and decorations and it'll explode out of nowhere -- sort of like in the cartoons when a character looks carefully both ways before crossing a completely deserted highway only to take a single step and be flattened by an automobile out of oblivion. In these moments I'll think, "Sheesh, that's right it's almost xMas!" and then some time later will have it suppressed in the back of my mind again somewhere. I know I'd be paying much more attention if I had a girlfriend, but that is not the case. Boohoo, don't cry for me Argentina.
I will have to brave DC at least once this week and actually, it should be a nice experience (as long as nothing bad happens). I actually love being right in the middle of a big city during Christmas time. Last year it was Chicago, a couple years ago it was New York. Something about it seems to validate everything so nicely to me.
Today we're getting our first real bit of snowy inclement weather, I cut my errands way short today as I just didn't feel the urgency and I didn't want to be out in my car until vDOT (Virginia Dept. of Transportation) had a chance to go over the roads a couple times should things get a bit adversely sloppy. Plus, I'd prefer leaving earlier in the day and doing as many stops as I can, and by the time I went out today there weren't too many more shopping hours left and all those would be jam packed with humanity. I'll take a raincheck. Snowcheck, as it were. Tomorrow, though, Monday, will be another story as long as the roads are fine. I'll be "Go get 'em, Tiger Monday" (no relation to Happy Monday, or the evil twin, Idontlike Monday). I think I need 1 more lazy day before I spring into action. Cuz, um, like, I'm a tiger. That springs.
Action-like, when I'm doing, actiony-things. Word. One of these entries I'll have something enlightening to say, but until then, actiony de Tortilla sprechen louder than wordy-words.
current mood: a little drowsy
current music: Kiln "Royal Peppermint"
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, December 16th, 2004
| |
6:28 am
|
DAY 11: eBay R' Us
Having achieved the immense feat of an clean AND organized closet I slept in. Actually I woke up a half hour before my estimated time but felt ok so I got right up.
A couple of packets in the mail today, one was even for me. A package from eBay. Usually I get letters and newsletters, but never a packet. WTF?
A bunch of colorful stickers with the "Find the people who love what you love." phrase and what seems to be eBay's new catch-phrase, "eBay: the power of all of us" and other stickers that say "Nothing listed. Nothing gained." (brilliant one, that); "You never forget your first feedback star." (the ad execs at St. Pauli Girl might be lining up the plagiarism lawsuit as I type); "Everyone loves a quick shipper" and "Sometimes you find it. More often it finds you." which seems to be a thinly veiled comment about law enforcement more than anything else.
I'm like, what's up with all these very colorful yet lame stickers? Then there's this small box in bubblewrap. I half read a cover letter, actually I more half glanced at it. Unwrapped the bubble wrap, opened the box and out comes something of some weight in tissue paper. What the hell is this? Off with the tissue paper and it's an eBay Power Seller Chrome Cigarette Case.
What? Can they do this? I don't smoke! And I...waitaminit...doofus it's not a damn cigarette case it's a business card holder
Here's when my feelings became very conflicted. I'm like, "hey yeah! a business card holder, how cool!" and I almost instantly started fantasizing about being in a social situation, whipping out this somewhat classy looking thing (it's got a bit eBay Power Seller logo on it, but it's pretty decent looking) and saying, "hey baby, I'm a Power Seller; gimme a call sometime."
And then a few seconds later I thought, waitaminit this is cheesy! This is just me spreading the eBay virus (which I do ANYWAY) but this puts the virus spreading in THEIR hands and not my own. Not only that, I'll HAVE to come up with a better pick-up line than "hey baby I'm a Power Seller." So in the span of about 10 seconds I experienced the two most typical reactions concerning anything like this; Then I had another thought, "say, I'm the lowest level Power Seller, I wonder if the upper level Power Sellers got nicer card cases?"
What a goober.
Honestly, it is a small ping of a spark of a thrill to be a "power seller" which just means I make x-amount of dollars per month; I'm the lowest of 3 levels so it's not like I'm bragging. And it's typical that when I started selling it was strictly seen as a short term solution to a problem. Along the way I felt it "corrupted" me in a way I in no way forsaw, that I'm still analyzing but don't see a way of escaping as long as I sell via eBay. Also, eBay does give me a certain amount of ability to relocate almost anywhere on the earth and support myself at least on a shoestring budget, so it becomes an ally in that regard, though it still would require me to expend an immense amount of time to do successfully which takes away time from creating, living, and doing other things. More puzzles to solve. I will use it to get WHERE I want if I can do so, even at the sacrifice of doing WHAT I want. That seems clear to me at least at this point.
The rest of the day was for the most part uneventful. A wonderfully quick trip to the post office (love the Business Line), grabbed a sub at Quizno's (over-rated, good, but too expensive), a 40-oz health smoothie next door to that (way expensive, way tasty) where I got a pina colada-like smoothy when I was supposed to get a super-punch plus; good thing I'm not allergic to coconut! I accepted the smoothie refusing to let them make another, why waste a perfectly good smoothie? And a 35 minute drive home. Not much else, some nice online chats, some ended eBay auctions (hey baby, I'm a power seller. I don't think I can be alone tonight), and just a very chill night. There was no reason to stay up this late except the chats were good and long and were worth staying up to continue.
Tomorrow (which is very well today now) more errands, more ending auctions, more post office, more NPR and dammit I gotta do some shopping.
I have no idea what I'm going to do with these dumb-ass eBay stickers. Maybe I can sell them on eBay!!!
current mood: eBoing
current music: NPR
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
| |
7:04 am
|
DAY 11: Your New Traditionalist
3 days in a row, this must be some kind of new record for me. Tuesday seemed to be even less productive than Monday, and despite that fact I even found that I had to take a nap (or risk head-butting my monitor) from 7pm-9pm; wimpish.
However right around midnight I got the inspiration to work on my closet (no puns / sexual innuendos implied here), progressing gradually and later with increasingly efficiency. Found more stuff to discard, more to consolidate, a few more tiny items to sell or donate. I still have to move piles of junk elsewhere so I can roll out my "bed" (I sleep on the floor on 3 pillows and some blankets) which will be happening, very very very soon. Listened to NPR the whole time, well until about 4am where I started a video in the background, George Orwell's 1984, which I think is a brilliantly made movie so it was hard to not actually just sit and completely devote my attention to it. Fortunately I've seen it upwards of 10 times so in times like this it's enough just to have it in the background and every few mintues give it a gander.
Nearly 8am now and I'm just about ready to go to bed. My throat is all scratchy from all the dust from cleaning; Thinking of things, thinking of possibilities, loneliness, how fucked up the world is (NPR), how beautiful the world is (NPR), how I need to throw away even more stuff, let go, let go.
Still concerned about my photos / slides. Did almost no research / thinking about those since the previous entry.
A lot of auctions will be ending today and tomorrow so I'll be tre' busy with that plus with the new errands I have for myself (landfill/recycling; library/donating; post office, etc). If I go to sleep now, perhaps I can wake up before 2 and not feel like the bottom of a shoe.
I'm officially no longer eating Chipotle Steak Fajita Burritos; They put something in / on their steak that makes my stomach hate me. I shouldn't wonder, they are McDonald's after all. I shouldn't eat there period.
Doing ok, my sleep schedule might have to change though I feel like if I can hold out a little while longer I can catch up on my sleep later. But lately that doesn't work, the body gets better at shutting you down as you get older, and I'm definitely getting older. Hey, it had to happen someday, even to me (I'm fighting it all the way).
Seems a lot of people really detest all versions of "Little Drummer Boy" Christmas song. I guess I don't like it either (I do really enjoy Bing/Bowie version - I still have that recorded on vhs from Friday Night Videos around 1983 or so) but I tend to dislike Springsteen's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" a lot more, particularly the beginning when his voice is just gratingly off-key. I had this cd called "A Mutated Christmas" which was several electronic based artists having their way with xMas tunes. It ranged from boring to outright creepy. Mostly a decent listen. I might break that out. I'm not a fan of traditional xMas songs at all, so I guess you could say I hate them all. I mean, I still have in my head all the times my dad would play Johnny Mathis' christmas album ad infinitum. Scarred for life, I am. I'm all about non-traditional (or perhaps "new-traditional"?) xMas music. Pretenders' "2000 Miles" is one of my faves though.
I think when I make my first million I will commission the following bands / artists to do completely new interpretations of xMas songs (in no particular order)
1) Matt Johnson (The The)
2) Talk Talk
3) The Necks
4) I'm having deja vu again (that's not a band, but I think you're smart enough to figure that out)
4 (for real this time) me
5) The Residents
6) Lawrence (Felt / Denim / GoKart Mozart)
7) Luke Sutherland (Long Fin Killie, Bows, Music A.M.)
8) Durutti Column (Vini Reilly)
9) Rain Tree Crow (not Japan, or the solo members, though I love them all)
10) Bass Communion (Steven Wilson of No-man & Porcupine Tree)
11) Autechre
12) Nurse With Wound
13) Gavin Bryars
14) Jonathan Bepler (The Cremaster Series)
15) Meredith Monk
That'll be enough for now though for diversity's sake I'd probably better come up with another list and make it a double CD; I could add Techno Animal, Ui, Cinematic Orchestra, Jim O'Rourke.
I need a lot more women artists on this list. Someone suggest some. Bjork is an obvious choice but she never returns my phone calls so I'm a bit bah humbug about her... My list is still too narrow, possibly a little too self-consciously hip, so maybe I'll make a serious go of it at some point and actually come up with at real dream list for me of artists to do christmas related songs or new interpretations of traditional songs.
Oh. Brian Eno is definitely on this list. Maybe I'll get him, Harold Budd & Daniel Lanois to collaborate on a really long track. NOW we're talkin'.
Bedtime...
current mood: scheming for music
current music: Uncle Wiggly's Water Ride (short film)
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, December 13th, 2004
| |
11:18 pm
|
DAY 12
Cold day, early morning while loading up the car for the day's errands I witnessed our first snow flurries. Didn't last long and it wasn't so cold that anything stuck, but it was an uplifting moment.
A nice string of errands and a couple of unnecessary stops, one being exclusively timed specifically to avoid the teeth of peak hour traffic. Stopped into Guitar Center to see if they had an acoustic guitar (an electric/acoustic, actually) they'd pictured in recent mailing advertisements, thinking possibly of trading in my current acoustic/electric (or both that and my telecaster) for a higher quality acoustic/electric.
I was actually very comfortable playing in and amongst people in the acoustic room; I usually hate guitar shopping because I hate playing in front of people in that setting; there's always that testosterone urge to play as fast as you can no matter how ridiculous it may sound. I tried out the guitar I went looking for, and I liked how it sounded, the neck was a lot fatter than my current guitar which made playing fairly difficult at some points. Needed new strings, but was about 50 bucks cheaper than it was advertised. I didn't buy it or anything, but it is tempting, it's a definite step up from my current acoustic. I'll think more about trading in my other guitars, but there's no real rush right now, just a thought.
So I burned some time, got in 20+ minutes of guitar practice while taking one on a test run, actually struck up a couple conversations with people there (there was another guy there playing Delta Blues type stuff that was very good) and then drove home, peak hour traffic free.
Somehow it's become midnight and I'm thinking of turning in early tonight. Doubt that will happen. I think instead after a break I'll make good on my promise to reply to your nice lovely comments. You lovely, lovely people.
current mood: okay
current music: NPR
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
1:43 am
|
DAY 13
After having spent ages in front of the computer, unsure of how efficient I'd been, knowing only that I had put in worthy effort, it was nice to call it a night; at that point it was 3 am Sunday morning. A bit of food, several dvd movies, most losing my interest quickly after having begun and falling in and out of sleep on the couch.
All of sunday seemed to follow that mood, prematurely dark, slow pace, NPR, packaging eBay sales, fielding eBay eMail and looking to organize my room into spartan clarity. Further attempts to finish watching movies, slipping into and out of sleep seemed the dichotomy of the day.
Seems I've come closer to having everything sold before the end of the year than I initially gave myself credit. Seems very possible to be completely done to the most possible level in less than another month's time. There are items I'm not selling for various reasons, and there are items that I have to decide whether it's worth the time to attempt to sell or if it's better to discard, destroy or donate. That gives me some bit of pleasure.
I need a storage option for my photographic negatives, slide and prints. Most of the prints that I currently have I could just throw away, shred or destroy as they're not good, but I'd rather not rush that decision and I don't right now have the time to go through them one by one and deal with them. Same deal for my audio cassettes full of guitar song ideas.
I most forward look to the time where I find the written music for several of the ideas I've recorded to cassette years ago so I can begin re-learning those songs and completing the pieces. Right now I'm still in a rut, playing the same 10 or 12 pieces as I've been playing for the last several years, and not having really improved playing profficiency much due to still having bad practicing regimen (not playing consistently, etc);
There are a lot of piles of things in my room that require delivery to some place, library, record store, recycling center, landfill, that once I complete those errands, more space will have been won, and the visible proof of the slow progress I've made will be evident and that will allow some bit of pleasure & relief. I'm looking very forward to the next 2 weeks for this reason and others.
So, all in all I'm feeling much better than I did yesterday. I cheered myself up a bit in the early evening by having season 1 of The Office playing while I worked in/on my room. I'm sure I've watched season 1 at least 3 times in the short time that it's been out and I still laugh out loud, haven't gotten sick of it even though there's been such a short time between viewings. Season 2 is quite good also but I gave my dvd copy away a few months ago and don't have a dubbed copy of it.
The best sleep I get is right after a meal. 10pm found me eating overpriced fast food and lounging on the couch watching mindless tv. The next thing I know it's several hours later, I'm in a fog, emerging from oblivion. Except for often not remember the dreams during these episodes, I appreciate these temporary blackouts.
I'm fully awake now, 2:23 am, going to do some busy-work, eBay packaging (will be a big shipping day Monday) and preparing piles for trash, donation or selling to local shops.
My face is full of tiny daggers so I'll be shaving. As I get older seems my facial hair gets more coarse and aggressive. No fun.
current mood: still a little foggy
current music: NPR radio
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, December 11th, 2004
| |
8:31 am
|
DAY 14
Just about 8 a.m. eBay is a wash, but I'll rest a bit and do more upon waking (at least that's the current trajectory). Have succeeded in blocking out a lot of things (except the things that bother me) just so I can finish doing a few things that I need to do that I've said I was going to do and despite all will ultimately have failed in doing in the manner of which I projected.
The main reason behind that, seems no surprise to me, is that I've failed so far to change as significantly as I've said I've wanted to and would have to in order to make the words I formed into goals brought to fruition. Love that word, fruition. That word must be good for you because it has the word "fruit" in it. So please make sure you have at least 5 servings of fruition every day for a potentially longer and healthier life.
Just after a brief major spell of elation (a few days ago) I realized with ugly clarity what a fool I've been over the last 2 years. I could be (or could have been) where I wanted if I had allowed myself to just act on the basic urge I originally had. Instead, I continued along my declared path, partially because for once I really felt it essential do what I'd told every one I was going to do. Yet I somehow didn't allow myself to see that I could've easily have done it taking the other path and would've had more fun (and probably would've healed much faster) doing.
All this cryptic language is absolutely essential to add weight to some pretty fucking mundane realizations about myself. I fully acknowledge the artifice, the dressing, I fully know that the wound is plainly visible and anyone with a minimum of vision could see and that I've not come close to even covering it, much less recovered or healed it. Work in progress. Work in progress is Latin for, "is taking to fucking long".
So now I'm working on the next major plan, still completely devaluing the now in effort for a better future, short term or long term. I can't believe sometimes how tired I am of it all and finding that I'm forcing myself to define in concrete terms why I bother.
In a bit of cynicism (a word, unlike fruition, which is bad for you: it's got the sound of the word "sin" in it) I thought that for the first part of my life I've been so terribly bad at love and chased it instead of money that I should, for the next part of my life ignore the pursuit of love and chase money instead. Obviously money is a lot easier to obtain. More people have lots of money than they do lots of love. And, oddly, when you have lots of money, more people work harder at showing you how much they love you. Have a laugh, I'm only being half serious. I'm just as bad at money as love, so I'm hoping there's a 3rd alternative for "reasons to be cheerful".
I love the rain, but I am ready for it to stop raining for more than a day at a time.
2 dear friends (in many ways, though neither I've never met in person) contacted me out of the blue the other day. Both within a day of me having been doing some serious thinking about them. It made me wonder if it was this time of year that instinctively sets us to reach out into the past to bring something to the present, or if, in fact, I have psychic abilities far beyond those of mere mortals. Jury is still out. If you're getting a huge urge to write me an eMail, I will take credit for that urge, particularly the naughty suggestions (but it would've been better if you'd done it without me prompting - like my two friends did. I'll give you each proper replies).
I'm still around, I don't feel like I'm going anywhere. Massive efforts to gain much more control has produced more detachment. I try to take certain things less personally which paints me as apathetic in the opinions of some. I've cut out huge parts and am trusting what I fill the spaces will bring back warmth.
I still feel I have all the answers I need right in my own very two hands but I also feel that I'm atrocious at reading palms.
current mood: exasperated
current music: Interpol "C'mere" (repeated listenings produces an euphoric effect)
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, July 5th, 2004
| |
10:54 am - I Robot, Yo Momma
|
Am I the only one who believes Will Smith's going to succeed in convincing humans there's a robot uprising and they're going to be all killed unless something's done ONLY to discover, ahem, ironically, that he is in fact a robot?
I promise you I haven't read the book (is there a book? Is this an adaptation or an original script? Is Alan Parsons Project in it at all?), and the only advertising I've experienced are radio spots and billboard on the side of city busses.
Anyway, I've already prejudicially decided this movie can't be too good and even the only way (to me) it COULD be any good renders it just as predictable as what I feel it already will be.
Unless, the Robots succeed in taking over and in a sequel fight the latest Terminator version and the winner of that faces the winner of Predator vs Alien and the winner of THAT faces The Rock.
In other news, Ben & Jerry's Organic Strawberry Ice Cream is no big deal.
Just after midnight July 5th I left the house, starving, having not participated in any 4th of July festivities, no barbeques, no parties (I was invited to one but didn't go) and hoping that 7-11 was open and thinking possibly it'd be closed and trying to come up with a contingency plan for breaking into a country convenience store only to be caught while stuffing my face with Twinkies like the sad bastard I am.
The 7-11 was open, praise capitalism, I bought a Red Baron pizza, B&J;'s Organic Strawberry Ice Cream, A&W; Root Beer (20 oz) & Country Time Pink Lemonade (20 oz). Total = $7.77 (play those numbers in the next Pick 3!); The clerk was in an in-depth discussion with the customer in front of me concerning the statistical likelihood of Americans to get cancer due to lack of sunlight and other stuff. And when it was my turn to pay, he went through some of the same info with me, even though I'd clearly already heard it. That's ok, I learned something.
On my way to the car I self-pityingly remarked to myself how sad a life I'm leading to be shopping for food @ 7-11 on the 5th of July (basically the 4th), the day when it's practically illegal in America NOT to have / attend / enjoy some barbeque. I left the parking lot, crossing through the McDonald's parking lot to cross the highway when I see a car in the McDonald's drive-through and I perked up and said aloud, "But not as sad as that guy's life."
In a turn of Cosmic Karma I totally carbon-dated my pizza.
In efforts to regain positive Karma I ate half of it, while apologizing for looking down on the guy buying McD's and using his culinary decision as a step ladder to my own flagging ego.
Karmic Justice. That was a 4-cheese pizza too. I was so hungry. I was just about to run back out and get another one, but I was too lazy and I didn't want to learn any new facts about cancer.
current mood: apathetic
current music: Paul Schutze & Phantom City Live Unlive
|
|
(7 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, June 28th, 2004
| |
12:27 pm - Back to the Old House
|
Well, I feel somewhat better than I did a several hours ago. Sadly it's in the vein of feeling emptier, not actually more refreshed.
Had another dream about Kansas City. Seems that place calls to me periodically -- or perhaps it's me calling to it. I was back in our old house and it was completely remodelled with an extra bedroom in the basement, so much roomier but pretty much the same design / shape as it was when we lived there. I was walking through it, outwardly exclaiming how spacious it was (essentially talking back to myself in comparison to the house where I now live and which holds so much of my disdain). The walls were almost literally glowing with beauty and welcome. It wants me back, I thought. Everything was improved just to entice me to return and live out my days there.
It's a funny thing, the timing of it, particularly. 8 days ago at the party in DC I was sitting on the porch of the residence not talking to anyone when a guy & girl next to me exclaimed how backward & racist Kansas City is. So I had to step in and defend it. Ended up having that long conversation with the girl about racism, America and such and later I ended up dancing with my friend, the girl who's currently got my attention. I mentioned these things a few posts ago. Last night, 8 days later, I'm dancing and I want to dance with her, she doesn't, things get a little emotional, I go home and later on dream about my old house in Kansas City and I feel that certainly in dream terms the house is calling me, appealing to my unhappiness here and my extreme nostalgia as if I could just waltz (pun intended) into town, pull into the small driveway, walk into the front yard, pull up the "For Sale" sign and magically walk into the front doors, reunited with one of my first loves.
Ever the dreamer.
current mood: neutral
current music: Corker / Conboy In Light of That Learnt Later
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
2:13 am - Unrequited?
|
I hate this feeling. I hate feeling heartwrecked after such a genuinely fun time (most of it) and on such a beautiful night. I hate feeling that I have to censor beautiful thoughts I have about people (or, obviously, one person in particular) because saying certain things directly might be too much or it somehow gives the other person the impression your feelings translate into you wanting to chain them down, limit their freedom and monopolize their time.
The live music was good, really good (most of it). There was DJing before / between & after the live sets. The end of the night was a mass of friends, drinking, bonding, etc.; after a certain period of time I fall outside of all of these circles. I'm able to touch each one but fail to significantly link. I'm distracted because I mostly at this point want to focus on one person: her. She's elusive, I try not to press; it's a party, after all and I'm in danger of being the equivalent of a pouting grade schooler. I try to cool my boots. Outside it's nice and smoke-free. I can literally clear my thinking, ease the burning of my eyes and really, honestly try to cool my boots.
One of my friends is DJing...I've run out of meaningful things to say to people so I remain outside the circles but wanting a way in. It's incredibly lonely and I hate these moments at any party. The music becomes conducive to dancing. My salvation. I can say so much now. I'm fluent again and I'm talking to everybody at the same time. Many are listening and several are joining my conversation with some choice communication of their own. I'm feeling so much better, so much more at home, lonely no more.
I made the mistake of opening my mouth and asking her to dance instead of just keeping my mouth shut and communicating everything.
It's a blow to the ego when you feel like you're communicating so well, so freely and the person you want most to talk with is not quite into reciprocation; remaining elusive.
And yet before too long she's dancing; she'd said "no" many times minutes before, shy, coy, silly, but still, no. Minutes later she's dancing, but outside my circle, somehow outside a circle that I create for anyone and everyone. I don't lose my temper, but I do lose my cool. I yell a bit, managing to keep most of the edge out, but really, she was dancing with me 8 days ago but now she won't and under nearly identical circumstances (at least cosmetically); So, cool points out the window, I go back to dancing, rev it up a bit higher and though I'm crushingly lonely again because of what just happened, I managed to take some solace in the dancing until I need a break.
I felt I was so on. I felt like people always want to feel about themselves: beautiful without being boastful, open and fully in the moment - happy. It is SO rare that I really feel happy or happiness (though maybe it's more accurate to say that it is so fleetingly I feel it), and I couldn't fully enjoy it because the person I most wanted to share the moment with was unavailable to me.
She said to give her time. I apologized for yelling at her. I'm not about pressuring people though I think I do it more than I may realize. She wants to discover herself more. I don't want to restrict her in any way, though I think the expressing of certain feelings, even "low level" feelings may lead her (and others in the past) to worry that I'm trying to smother her, become selfish and demanding of her. But I never mean for this impression to be the one they get. I'm not trying to fall in love and turn a girl into a porcelain piece kept in an antique cabinet so I can look at it every odd week. I'm inspired by the living breathing dynamic sensual girl and I want to share and increase all of these things with my own contributions and inspirations.
Why isn't this obvious?
Moon behind the clouds, I tried to cherish you during my drive home. Cool wind chilling my skin beautifully I invited you into my car with all windows down and sunroof open, I am always wide awake when you are talking to me. But tonight I could not love you as much as I wanted because of loneliness that brings even the most beautiful day into doubts of failure and confusion. I do not want to live like this.
current mood: quiet, begging sleep take me
current music: seeking a coccoon and amnesia
|
|
(6 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, June 21st, 2004
| |
12:24 pm - A boy who Fell to Earth
|
I must be even angrier (frustrated, bitter, etc) than even I thought. Last night's (aka "this morning's") dream I was aiding these higher-up corporate technology types building this amazingly advanced system of some sort. When it was determined the system worked beyond expectations (theirs, not mine, I'm pretty sure I was in charge of the whole thing but needed their help on some level) in the remote location across "the city" I took the *ahem* control module and flew (um, like without machine assistance) back to the control center, revealed that I wasn't from earth and I started destroying everything with lasers (visually, it was really neat, which, I think, prompted me to keep doing it far beyond destruction necessary for the disabling of the equipment and also I believe I killed any corporate drone who tried getting in my way.
The two head guys were in some floaty car and threatened to expose me to the world if I didn't give the control module back, so I destroyed more stuff and started flying all over the place. One of the chases (them on foot, me in the air) took place in a shop that was a combination hardware store and Target where some dude tried to get in my way to get the control module. I took the control module and made it send out these tendrils that went into his ear and made him divulge secret codes which he punched into the control module, all the while him threatening me as if he were still in control of the situation.
That control module was really neat.
The chase was still on and the dream shifted to a less technologically appearing world. I'm in a room of some kind. Two girls are talking inside an open doorway. One is eyeing me suspiciously. I go stand next to the other one. She's telling the suspicious girl that she's flying to Argentina tomorrow. When I asked "really?" she said yes and impressed upon me that I should go with her until I accepted. Curiously after accepting, I began to undress her and she went back to talking to the suspicious girl. She seemed not to mind I was undressing her and even more oddly she didn't seem to notice. I was intending to give her oral sex -- I guess in my alien homeland the thanks one gives for being invited to travel is oral sex -- when I noticed this white layer of something on her yummy parts, and, being an alien I guess, I decided I should taste it to identify.
I think it was Mitchum. I recoiled and left the oral sex for another day and probably another girl. I began to fly away when I realized that I no longer had the control module, undoubtedly setting it down in my quest for gift-giving. Not only that, but in setting it down I'd also forgotten what it looked like. The 2 corporate guys from earlier appeared and called to the suspicious girl to secure the module. Since I could no longer identify it visually I had to wait for her to pick it up (it looked like an abnormally large PDA) and then I attacked her. At first she resisted and when I grabbed it she grabbed my right arm and wouldn't let go. I began choking her and lifted her off the ground demanding she relinquish my arm. At first she was going to try my threat but then when I increased my grip she let go and I put her on the ground and flew away.
Semi-disturbing. Only semi because in real life when angry I don't tend to lash out against others I turn it inwardly. Also, a few lessons may be that A) don't invite me to Argentina (although in retrospect I think she was planted by my 2 corporate enemies to seduce me and perhaps the Mitchum was really alien poison) and B) leave my PDA alone (or at least, when I get a PDA that can shoot lasers, and control your mind with brain tendrils, you'd better keep your hands off).
So, I'm pretty sure I'm not from this planet, which, when I think about it, has never been much of a debate.
current mood: Quest to destroy Mitchum
current music: Sad Lovers & Giants "Your Skin and Mine"
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
4:23 am
|
Just finished a round of packaging items for shipment on Monday; current items are more difficult & time consuming to package because they include books (both soft cover & coffee-table art / photography books), photos and other odd sized items that require additional shipping protection which means a lot of cardboard cutting for packaging reinforcement.
This life is for the birds.
I need to fall in love and completely forget about everything else.
Listening to a CD full of MP3s that I encoded from my CD collection nearly 4 years ago when I started selling my stuff on eBay. This is one of many of such discs. This particular disc has Dif Juz, Durutti Column, Sad Lovers & Giants and others on it. Some of this stuff I haven't listened to in quite a while, some of it I had because I didn't sell the discs for some time after I'd made MP3s.
I'm very tired. Of a lot of things.
A snack, then bed.
current mood: tired & somewhat empty
current music: Dif Juz "Crosswinds"
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, June 20th, 2004
| |
11:47 pm - In Brief
|
Had a nice weekend. A nice long late phone call on Friday; Saturday went to my friend's DJ gig & reconnected with a small crew of associates then drove into DC to meet 2 friends for a party in Adams Morgan (a cultural hotspot) which, when I thought about it, was not something I do very often - drive into DC for a party after doing something somewhere else. Usually I'm a one-stop a night party dude. Not that I'm not open to hopping, but it's not something I've done much. Perhaps if I lived closer to DC it'd be more frequent. Anyway, the party was quite good. Several DJs that played decent music (best track I heard was one by Moloko but the rest of the party music was do-able hip-hop, DC gogo and other stuff that's good to dance to should you desire. Actually the party had a bit of everything, tons of hotties, hipster guys on the prowl, I engaged in a decent conversation about racism with a Canadian female which was surprising (that discussion of that nature could be found at a party of this type) and did some booty shaking with the crowd for a while. I certainly wouldn't mind finding a party like that more often. As many people as there were the house was far from trashed and there wasn't any sort of outlandish behaviour or stupidly drunken people that I saw and I was there for about 3.5 hours.
Other than that it was a slow week in the metronome factory.
Kind of nice making a new acquaintance and trading life experiences and theories about self and others but in afterthoughts I fear I may be coming across as too negative even though I recognize my negativity and certainly am trying to conquer it. Anyway, I don't want people worrying or feeling bad for me so I find myself being extremely careful with how I present my current situation and thoughts when asked about myself.
Hmmm.
This week promises to be busy. Possibly helping a friend move, getting $800 of repairs on a truck, friend has a modern dance show at the Kennedy Center, maybe a movie with another group of friends and yet another friend has a live show (music) that I will somehow try to make.
That said, I'd better get back to work so that I have a better eBay week than I did this past week. I just wanted to check in with you all and not let too much time go by between posts.
How are you?
current mood: long slow week, though not bad
current music: Throwing Muses Doghouse
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, June 3rd, 2004
| |
5:00 am - Wet T-Shirt Contest at the Local Post Office
|
Around 4 A.M. I decided to load a plastic USPS tote with books and heavy magazines, take them to the nearest post office and weigh them so I can accurately list the shipping charges to worldwide destinations once I put these particular items up in eBay. It was rather nice outside, cool, very breezy (I don't always get the benefit of the weather because somehow my room is oddly insulated so even with windows wide open I don't get the full effect of most breezes, etc).
I've done this before, weighed objects in the wee hours and since I don't think it's that feasible for me to spend upwards of 100 bucks to buy my own scale (though I really like the idea of having one and could put it to a fair amount of use), I'll probably do it again.
When I arrive (it's only about 3 miles away) there was one guy there, I guess mailing stuff & checking his PO box; I began weighing stuff & writing down the appropriate #s; halfway through a guy walks in (it's a very small post office and the lobby area is cozy) and proceeded to attempt to buy stamps from the machine that resides next to the scale. It took all of his coins except for 1 so he kept trying, it kept rejecting. "Good Lord," he said exasperatedly at one point (but kept trying; my guess is once you invoke the Lord's name the machine will know exactly who its dealing with and behave accordingly); Finally he gave up and left. I finished my task, packed the books back into the tote (I love the postal service plastic totes, sort of exalts my mundane trips a bit - "See my tote? I'm on official business!" Of course, no one could care less) and made for the door.
As I mentioned before the lobby is cozy and there are no windows save for the glass doors, which are blocked by a short wall that houses the stamp machine (temperamental) and the USPS weighing station (with scale, brochures no one reads and trashbin), so even as small as it is, it's in a very small way hermetically sealed against at least a view of the outside. Step around the corner and now I can see the outside through the glass doors and at some point in my 15 minutes there it had started to pour rain.
My car is across the small parking lot; no problem, I could back it up right next to the door but I still had no protection from the rain for my books and dvd sets whilst going from door to car, trunk open, etc.
There's no one around, but there's always periodic post office traffic no matter the time of day. Off came my shirt (not by itself, mind you) and I covered the top of the tote. Opened the trunk of my car, went back inside to get the tote and made it from post office to car, half naked (only a few steps but if anyone had driven up...) and then got myself in the car and put my semi-wet shirt back on.
The rain was cold on my *ahem* naked skin and I'm certainly glad no one drove up because they might've lost their breakfasts at the sight of this walking bag of bones.
In case there are some of you who might be wondering, the answer is, "No, when I took off my shirt, Snoopy was not there resting on my left shoulder."
Careful, I can read minds.
Later on today I've been invited to catch a sneak preview of some movie about a kid named Hairy Pothead. Anyone heard of this? Supposed to be popular but I've never been much into the Cheech & Chong drug-humor movies. But it's free and it's in Arlington which means I can sell some CDs @ the new store and grab a huge Jamba Juice (sounds like a druggy snack, doesn't it? But it's a healthy fruit smoothie, yo). I've been hitting up Smoothie King a lot lately, but Jamba Juice is my real jam.
current mood: chilly, but now dry
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|