| me ventin gheto styleE | ||||
| 06:23pm 10/04/2003 | ||||
Puttin up with all this shit is more than I can take I hate it Am I jaded Or has everything I have come to kno so quickly faded Shits Overated How can u tell me that Im the one whos wrong When ur the one whos been fucking people over all along Why do you stay with her if shes the root of all ur pain Then kick back lookin at me sayin Im the one whos vain Am I insane Aint it strange if u cant see her then why do u keep her So u can sleep at night Wit false hope that thangs gonna be alrite and even tho im treatin ya cool you still lookin at me like im a tool if it aint my numba one rule u wanna dule FUCK YOU Fuck it Im sick of all this shit How u act all innocent perfect and lit But I see through it And yall look at me like Im the one who needsta deal When in reality Im the only one who be keepin it real peace |
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curious| 04:57pm 04/04/2003 | ||||
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high| lol | ||||
| 11:02am 04/04/2003 | ||||
My goddamn rock solid ghetto shiznit name is Ass Machine Kawfi. |
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indifferent| yet another, for no one | ||||
| 10:11am 03/04/2003 | ||||
We'll bleed each other dry We'll hold each other close We'll make each other cry While we're in love We'll get what we deserve Until we lose our faith Unit we lose our nerve We know it won't last forever 'Cause we're not meant to be together Make the best of a bad situation Face the fear and the desperation While we're in love While we're in love While we're in love We'll drag ourselves around We'll hold each other up We'll tear each other down We know it won't last forever 'Cause we're not meant to be together Make the best of a bad situation Face the fear and the desperation While we're in love While we're in love love** wish i was findin it :-\ |
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melancholy| ??? | ||||
| 10:29am 02/04/2003 | ||||
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| 08:53pm 31/03/2003 | ||||
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| yay~ | ||||
| 06:08am 31/03/2003 | ||||
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content| im goin goin bak bak to cali cali... | |||
| 12:26pm 03/03/2003 | |||
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upon talkin to fritti i decided I TOO will write an LJ entry on my decision about education. My father has continually asked me if being in UMass is where i truly want to be, and i constantly find myself assuring him it is. A part of this is true, but i have also realized that being here is more or less what I thought I wanted and not what I truly wanted. I was sitting in "my body my health" class and I found myself saying to Tee, "this is like a college students' DARE!" It is really- we learn about stress and how to cope, drugs and how to stay clean, alchohol, nutrition, yatta yatta yatta. This class has really opened my eyes and prompted me to begin my quest for what i really am looking for in my life rite now. I mean, granted its a great class, fairly easy- but is this really what i want to be wasting 12 grand a year on? To have some professor with a terminal degree telling me to DRINK LESS???? Kinda ironic that I have that class to attend and then umassdrunks.org on my instant messenger info! I mean my freinds here are like- "wait it out amanda, its only ur first year, things will get better..." and then i find myself at a party where there are people more fucked up and obnoxious than ever, and i find out they are JUNIORS and i ask myself when is this ever going to end, im investing the worth of a brand new M3 on watchin people throw up on my doc martins and going to "chinese literature." In a world that i feel like investing money is the key to ultimate success, i feel like im on a dead-end road. So people tell you- "do what you want to do with your life and dont worry about money" - well thats all well and good, but you do hafta find a happy medium. I dont want to sound like a snoot, but there are certain things Ive grown up with that i want to be able to still have as i go on my own and that i want to provide for my children if that day should ever come. If it were as easy as just going to beauty school, and for all who kno me kno i got a knack for that shiat- then i would, but I kno that I do NEED a degree- its that simple. The only way I wouldnt is if I was an actor or a stylist or whatever and I got that kind of job before i finished any type of higher education. So for this reason i decided to go to one of the best places for one to get noticed for this kind of shiat- maybe get an internship, work a good-paying job like waitressing or bartending, and going to community college to get an associates, and if called for- eventually my bacholors in business or communications at a higher and more comprehensive institution- oh and if i fergot to mention, some occasional surfing, sunbathing, and any other fun things that San Diego hasta offer. Thats rite- September 2003 im goin goin back back to cali cali kidzzzzzzzzzzzz :-D |
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| A DOOOOOKIE! | ||||
| 06:48pm 08/02/2003 | ||||
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excited| chillaxin | ||||
| 12:31pm 05/02/2003 | ||||
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chipper| wow. | ||||
| 06:31am 02/02/2003 | ||||
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ditzy| Operation BBB | ||||
| 07:03pm 24/01/2003 | ||||
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| Its Just Fuel For My Fire | ||||
| 07:37pm 21/01/2003 | ||||
This entry...ahh, how I wish I could force everyone in my world to read it. Probably the biggest achievement I wish to accomplish in my life is to get through to people. I want people to read, view, or see something that I have created and actually think about it and wonder, "maybe she’s rite?" or "I never thought about it that way?" or "wow, how could I be so blind?" or even a simple "I would never be able to think about that!" Whatever it be, I want to make a difference. When I cannot get through to people, or they cannot understand me and the actions I partake in, I try to share my mindset with them in hope that they will realize. This is why I am argumentative, and this is why I don’t back down. I am very set in my ways, and if you don’t at least SEE it my way, I get pissed and I try to do everything I can for you too, and sometimes that can get messy. Whatever- at least I can admit that what may sometimes be my strength may also be my weakness. One of the most upsetting things right now, is the true reality of some of the relationships I have with people right now. I don’t understand how it is humanly possible to be close friends with someone, and they just turn around and stab you in the back. It is times like these that we really have to sit back and look at ourselves, the people around us, and those whom we call our friends. I must say, if there was a bitch-out between two close friends, you can expect them to make amends. I also might add, that there are fine lines within any relationship that cannot be crossed nor will be tolerated if they are crossed. In addition, people can only be given a certain amount of chances to prove themselves worthy of another persons trust, respect, and emotion. I can say for myself, if a close friend was to bitch me out and I didn’t necessarily know why, I would want to do everything I could to understand why I upset them and what I can do to fix it. I certainly would not say, "fuck you too," and move on in my life- that would be a clear indication that I was not close to them nor did I care or value their friendship. In my world, a "bitch-out" does simply not lead to the loss of a friend; nevertheless, things don't always go the way that we want them to, and what is true within my mind may not be true within someone else's, and sometimes that’s just too bad. To say the best of friends or lovers don’t fight would be a ludicrous statement- everyone is entitled to there own opinion, and everyone is there own person. Fighting is a natural occurrence, but so is resolve. People have certain buttons- the closer you become to a person, the better and the more familiar you become with these buttons. These buttons are great when they are pushed to "turn on," but not so great when they are used to "turn off." I myself expect my friends, family, and all others who are close to me to rarely go near the off buttons; however, shit happens, people get pissed, they fight, they make-up, and they move on. Of course, there are a few of those red alert buttons that are simply too low for anyone who cares about you to reach; they would be located across the fine line that all good relationships make up. These are the buttons that usually burn bridges to which are nearly-impossible to rebuild. This is why most of us, at least those of us with any bit of self-security, don’t care if those people with which we have not established any type of real relationship push these buttons: you cant rebuild a bridge if the bridge was never built to begin with. A friend has seen you cry, but a true friend has a soggy shoulder from it, and what can I say? A lot of people have been there for me when times have gotten rough. But what I cannot fathom is how someone can do so much for you but tell you that you mean so little to them. I think about it, and I know why I cannot fathom it- it's because it is simply not possible. There is no way, unless someone has serious mental problems, that a person can care about you so much and give so much to you and do so much for you and then turn around and act as if it never happened. There is a serious problem when you make some one your priority when allowing yourself to be their option, but when there is nothing left to give, what then? And how do you know that you are thought of as their option? And I will say it again, it is times like these when we must sit back and analyze the situation. Are some people truly for real? What are people so scared of? And the answer is once again made clear: they are scared of the truth. Whether the truth is what they feel, what they are becoming, or what they fear the most, they rather not struggle with the inner war of admittance and therefore shun themselves of the things that truly make them happy, or settle with the things that perhaps make them miserable. And while most of us are realizing that we no longer want to live with lies, live with shallow insecurities and live with disillusions, the others are not realizing this or choose not to realize this, or maybe just simply are not ready to realize this. These are the people that are left behind as we readily take our steps ahead. And that, my friend- that is growing up. |
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hopeful| They're FRIENDS?!?!?!?!?!?!? | ||||
| 12:21am 21/01/2003 | ||||
I am officially the funniest person i kno as of rite now lol. I am back in the game what can i say? lol i cant wait to haf some more fun. Screw the loser, his loss, lol. Im happy fer now thats all that matters. And actually, im rather amused.... :-0 |
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| Excuse me, I think you juss took my breath away, can I haf it back??? | ||||
| 04:48am 20/01/2003 | ||||
This lj entry is about my nite. This is my nite... Wow. No other words need describe it. And what made it a "wow?" The same thing that took my breath away.... I must be dreaming, thats the only answer. |
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| We Made it! | ||||
| 11:50am 18/01/2003 | ||||
Oh yeah so back to my nite at merry-mac... DANIELLE MADE OUT WITH A DOOD!!!! AHAHAHHAHA. Grizzie yacked in a shower? I yacked while we were running to a party, laughed about it cried about it then spilled an entire drink on myself....oh my. THis was deff a fun time. Im so happy for stacey!! YAY! Well thats about it, maybe i can write more about my nite when i actually get the energy to think about it. Untill then...its gonna be a scurry next 4 weeks :( |
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| Yes.....uh huh | ||||
| 02:37am 18/01/2003 | ||||
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calm| And this love song really is for no one | ||||
| 03:48am 17/01/2003 | ||||
Just let you leave without a trace When I stand here taking Every breath with you You're the only one Who really knew me at all How can you just walk away from me When all I can do is watch you leave 'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain And even shared the tears You're the only one Who really knew me at all So take a look at me now Oh there's just an empty space And there's nothing left here to remind me Just the memory of your face Take a look at me now 'Cause there's just an empty space And you coming back to me is against all odds And that's what I've got to face I wish I could just make you turn around Turn around and see me cry There's so much I need to say to you So many reasons why You're the only one Who really knew me at all So take a look at me now 'Cause there's just an empty space And there's nothing left here to remind me Just the memory of your face Take a look at me now 'Cause there's just an empty space But to wait for you is All I can do And that's what I've got to face Take a good look at me now 'Cause l'll still be standing here And you coming back to me is against all odds That's the chance I've got to take . . . . I dont even kno why i chose this song. maybe cuz all i want is for neone too see me cry. and the odds of something coming back to me- its not a person, a lover, a freind, or an enemy--- its life as i kno it. i dont understand why this is the way i am? why cant i just appreciate all the good things in life rather than be depressed over all the bad things - oh wait i kno why, the bad things rite now outweigh the good. In a world that thrives on hope and dreams, i feel so empty cuz all hope has diminished and all my dreams haf turned into nitemares. I just wish this could all end. All i ever wanted was to be happy. Arent i supposed to pop back up smiling? no matter how many times i get nocked down, arent i supposed to juss rise up again as if it had never happend? What happend to that permanent grin i was known to sport and the sand-filled bottom that was supposed to keep me anchored to the things i love the most? Ive slowly deflated and the smile has sagged into a permanent frown and theres just nothing left inside to allow me to pop back up, be it wiht a smile or a frown. Everything has just diminished. Theres nothing to punch down anymore- im as low as i can go. But the freinds say ohhhhhhh amanda, what happened to the lovable stoner? what happened to the party gurl that was the life of all events? but who am i kidding, maybe thats all i ever was. and maybe that stoner was a desperate soul just looking for any way out. Maybe the drunk behavior was just a cry to get away from it all - after all if one cant think straight, let alone think nething at all, then they cant get sad about a thought that isnt there. In a world that is based on hope and dreams, i feel like i have nothing. In a world that thrives on love, i feel like i have nothing to depend on. But rite now, today, this is where it ends. Im sick of being young. Im sick of hafing no responsibility. Im sick of the cheating and decietfullnes to myself and to others. From this moment on, if you give a fuck about me than so be it. Ill bee here for anything that you haf to offer and to you, ill offer all that i can. To anyone else, FUCK YOU. As much as i feel like dying rite now, i think maybe, just maybe, my life is begining.... And i hope im rite. thats the only ounce of hope i have in me rite now. . . . Lets just hope im rite. |
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depressed| 02:19pm 16/01/2003 | ||||
Is it worth another fight Tell me the truth Is there something on your mind Tell me what you hide inside Tell me the truth dum dee dum dum, life is ho-hum. Sometimes i juss dunno nemore... |
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| This is me Thoughruly pissed | ||||
| 01:31am 16/01/2003 | ||||
Tonite was a great nite. I finally got to chill wit the old crew, and wit joey.... ive missed them. everything was going great. i should haf juss come home when they all did, but then again maybe the realization didnt come to pass. Juss when u think everyONE is cool they aint...... juss when u think everyTHING is great it aint. Makes me not wanna look forward too nething, cuz no matter how hard i try or how chillen i think things will be, they aint. THIS IS A BIG TIME WHAT THE FUCK I am thouroughly pissed. and i feel bad for nate.... i diddnt mean nething by not stayin over, i juss felt like i was gettin fucked over by all of it all. Ive been one of the "guys" for all my social life. why do things hafta change now? I just wish everything would go back to the way they used to be. everythiing was so happy then. wtf, i feel like no one knows me for who i really am, aside from my sistas....and tho they mean the world to me, they are only 5 people in my life, and i feel like i haf so much more..... But maybe i dont. who am i kidding. im the one who brought myself to this place.... i juss wish everyone would change the way im changing. all i wanna be is one of the guys again. i used to haf so much fun when i was younger..... Younger. i guess thats the word i will be forever wishin i was entitled too from now on till forever. but forever dosnt seem that long. i wish i had never broken neones heart, had never broken the vow of freindship, had never got involved in something that would only lead to sadness..... I just wish everything would be ok. I just wish everything would go back to the way they used to be. once again i feel like iv'e lost everything and its not fair. I just want to make it in this world and i feel like this world is tryin to make of everything it can against me.... I want to go back to the easy days, but i kno i cant.... and i think that is what depresses me most.... no matter how much i try it will just never be the same. Never. |
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manda874e |
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