Final Post

I want to thank everyone for his or her support. Certainly, there have been some dissenting opinions. But the majority of people who bothered to read my response have been positive, generous, and kind. Thank You.

But there are a few remaining issues to address.

It was a very naïve and foolish of me to show Ms. Olen my blog. If you return to her essay, you will see that I did it in good faith. Taking care of sick children all day is very exhausting, even more exhausting because the labor is compounded by your sympathy for the child. I did dedicate a poem to them, to this effect. I thought it was a commiserating gesture between employer and employee. It was an act made in good faith. But nonetheless, foolish. Dumb. All kinds of Stupid. And people who know I feel completely ill by all of this know how I whole -heartedly admit my stupidity without any caveat.

However, I want to reiterate that what I think Ms. Olen did was unethical and inappropriate. I told Ms. Olen specifically what I thought was remiss with her piece and her perspective on the relationship. And I told an editor at the NYTIMES how her piece misrepresented my blog. I provided much the same analysis in the rebuttal post. Except, I provided even more links and more detail. He did not waver. However, at this point in the conversation, there needs to be a radical shift. Instead of talking about the details of my really, silly and well, oddly boring weblog, and instead of continuing to deride the choice Ms. Olen made (that point is clear) we need to discuss the more important issues this debacle should make apparent. We need to discuss: Public Utility and Discourse about Female Sexuality, Intergenerational Sexism, Ethical Standards for National Newspapers, Prudent yet Honest writing, New Spaces of Discourse and their Impact on Privacy. I would have a lot to learn from those conversations. Because, as I read the web and her piece and the massive responses and discussion this has all generated, it is made clear to me that my blog isn’t really the issue at hand at all.

I promise to always blog anonymously from now on. I swear.

I am going to try and end this part of the conversation. Later this evening, I will take the comments option off my blog. I think enough has been said. Repeatedly, I have implored for all concerned parties to write the NYTIMES. It’s a national newspaper that is supposed to facilitate the flow of information and ideas. If you feel it has done a poor job, they need to know that. I do appreciate everyone’s support. Truly. I really didn’t know what to expect when this story hit the Internet. I am pleased that there are at least some, well, many, who have come to understand that I am a very different person than the article portrayed me to be.

I know there has been some discussion about “opportunities” and “tell all book” or even a piece of fiction. But, I never wanted this attention. I never wanted what was really just a job situation that was not compatible with either party to become a big public mess. I have no intention of perpetuating the mess. There will be no interviews, no books, and no deals. Nothing. I am actually, headed to graduate school in three weeks (my spell check feature is ready to work really really hard). I am looking forward to a small southern city, far too much reading, and the opportunity to pursue a career I have worked for for many years. I want THIS to be over.

I will blog again. I have saved links and email addresses and as promised will send my new URL to interested readers. Again, don’t expect anything prurient. There may be frank talk about my life, but no salacious details. I didn’t do that here. And I wont do that there. There will be discussion about my relationship, which is going to be long distance for at least 6 months (many academics know that drill). There will be discussions of what I read, watch, hear and the occasional poem. There will be tales of nights out and nights in. I really seriously doubt it could ever drum up this much interest.

In the future, this site will contain favorite entries. But it will be edited and selected based on my tastes. So, if there is stuff you need in the archives- get it now. The full archives will not be available for much longer.


Again, thanks for all the support and well wishes. Here is to better blogging and better journalism.

Sorry to Disappoint You

If you have come to this little blog today looking for prurient details of a "nanny gone wild" and another "nanny diary" detailing the sordid life of a family she works for, I am very sorry to disappoint you. Contrary to an essay published in the Style section of the NYTIMES, I am not a pill popping alcoholic who has promiscuous sex and cares nothing for the children for whom she works with. Nope. If you look carefully through my archives, instead you will find a young woman in her mid-twenties who decided to work as a nanny for a year while she prepared to enter the next phase of her professional life; namely the life of an academic pursuing a PhD in English Literature specifically focusing on the Late Victorian novel. But for those of you who dont want to comb through the archives, I will offer a refutation of the salacious, malicious, and really quite silly essay written by Ms. Olen.

Ms. Olen opens her essay with eye-catching details designed to paint the picture of a prurient pill popper. She notes I mention biting my lovers, having sexual thoughts about Tucker Carlson, and taking sleeping pills. So, lets revisit those entries and see if they are really so titillating.

Inexcusable Crush Post

Yes, I mention that I want to do "dirty dirty" things to Tucker Carlson. I dont offer details. So, I am assuming that Ms. Olen's imagination ran away with her and she decided that it was very sordid. But on a closer reading of this post you will find I use Tucker Carlson, a noted conservative pundit, as an example of how opposites attract. How intellectual tensions between two people can actually fuel romantic desire. And then I do something really really deviant. I compare my crush on him to the romantic tensions in Jane Austen's famous Pride and Prejudice. Yep, my version of the erotic has more to do with long walks and serious conversations. Of course, Ms. Olen does not point that out in her essay. My interest in literature and how I weave it through more common daily reflections would probably detract from her intent to show me as an irresponsible party girl. But there it is, on the blog she so strenuously objects to.

As for the sleeping pills. Yep, I take them. But before any addicts come banging down my door looking for prescription Ambien or the like, again, I am sorry to disappoint you. I do take over the counter, Target brand sleep aids. I have a sleeping disorder that causes me to wake up repeatedly through the night due to fluxes in my body temperature. I basically deal with this by making sure I actually go to bed early so I will get enough sleep. I havent had a cup of coffee in years, crack a window in the heart of winter, and blare an air conditioner in the summer. But sometimes, I take sleep aids as well, in case I need to ensure rest. Also, funny fact about me that I have blogged about, I cant even swallow pills. Yep, I have to crush them and put them in applesauce or pudding. So, imagine me, in my sweats, before bed, crushing sleep aids and putting them in pudding. Its a lot less glamorous, isnt it?

My Boyfriend once told me that I do touch my breasts when I read. I never realized this and I made an off comment about it on my blog. I mention it once and I think its odd she opens with it as if it was a defining characteristic.

Ms. Olen also says there are things on my blog she would rather not know. Um, then stop reading it. Very simple.

Instead of revealing me as an uncaring and insensitive woman, Ms. Olen actually reveals her own pathologies. In the next section where she talks about the "sexual shenanigans" of her former employers, she does so to appear "superior." I find this really disheartening considering she discusses an unplanned pregnancy and infidelity. Why are these very common, rather serious problems that women face, reduced to "shenanigans?" And why is she more comfortable when she can feel "superior?" Its a sad comment on who Ms. Olen is as a person.

And her essay only gets more insidious. I take serious issue with her accusations that I stay out too late, drink too much, and have "semi promiscuous couplingS."

One, on my blog I discuss drinking. I never say how much. I think strange readers who visit this page, who arent personal friends who know me in the flesh, should know that I am about 5"1' and weigh about 105 pounds. Two drinks and I am already tipsy. If you come to this blog looking for "and then I pounded 5 shots of tequila and drank half a bottle of wine" you wont find it. Sorry. I go out for drinks with friends, I often, though never daily, have a drink when I come home from work. That is pretty normal consumption. Two, she portrays me as a party girl who never stays home. Check for yourself. I blog about what TV I am watching so often that I must seem like the dorkiest 20 something in all of Brooklyn. Gilmore Girls, OC, and Reality Trash I Should Be Really Embarrassed to Watch. Absolutely.And three, the promiscuous sex part is so ridiculous. In fact during my 5-month employ at Ms. Olen's, I spent two and a half months celibate. Yep. Celibate. And I even blog about my reasons for being celibate, here. MMM? And then my blog documents the beginning of a monogamous relationship. However, in the early stages of my current relationship, I did sleep with a former boyfriend who came and visited me. I blogged about it. My Boyfriend was furious. It seriously tested our relationship. We survived. When I discussed her use of the word promiscuous with an editor at the NYTIMES, he said that one incident could be construed as "promiscuous." I countered; saying then that the plural should be removed. I may not be a "journalist" published in a national newspaper, but I am a fairly well educated woman about to pursue an advanced degree in literature and I know that the use of the plural suggests a pattern of behavior, a pattern of behavior that is not reflected on this blog. So, in case you were looking for a nanny who hits the bars to pick up men every night, again, sorry to disappoint you. I am in a monogamous relationship, so since January, and I am very very happy.

Oh, and the Jennifer Ehle comment? I make it in regards to her performance as Elizabeth Bennet in AE's adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. See a theme developing? Are you shocked that I think an actress in early 19th century garb is "hot?" Its supposed to be an ironic comment because everyone always talks about Colin Firth as the smoldering Darcy. I think Ms. Ehle does a fabulous job of showing how sensuality isnt about revealing a lot of skin or having gratuitous sex; its about an energy she exudes under her very conservative costume. Still riveted?

I find the next section where she writes about being envious of my life particularly sad. Everyone is young once. Everyone is single and has freedom to go to "hip" *(though I mostly go to Planet Thai, which is pretty played out, actually) restaurants when not having to arrange babysitters for kids. I hope she did when she was young. It is enjoyable. But there is nothing to be envious about.

But then my sadness for her stops. The place in the essay where she actually has the audacity to compare us has been a sore spot since I knew this essay was going to be published. In particular, I take issue with how she flippantly mentions my abortion. I did blog about my abortion, please read my entry here. I think if you compare the vulnerable and humble way I talk about that painful experience, you might find that Ms. Olen and I are very different. I for one would never reduce another woman's abortion to a fragment defaming her in a self-serving essay. I did blog about the abortion, thereby in a sense publishing it; she had the legal right to mention it (I certainly checked). However, I pleaded with the NYTIMES in two separate emails that her use of my experience was insensitive and contradictory to the way in which I talked about it. They didnt care.

As for the blogging at work, yep, I sometimes did that. When the kids were napping. However, I also do what I said I would do, get materials together for my future professional plans. I even mention that on my blog here. Anyone out there apply to both PhD programs and Law school? Anyone blog while taking a break from that process? Normal right? And as for the speculation, slanderous speculation that I called in sick because of a drinking problem, which is ridiculous. This blog documents how ill I was. Many posts document how instead of staying out, I was home, trying to recuperate:

How sick I was

Again, Sick.

And Yet Again, Sick.

There are many other entries. Feel free to look for them if you want. I will say though, that Ms. Olen's family was sick frequently. Also, when Ms. Olen was sick with a 24-hour stomach bug, she actually had me get things for her, further exposing me to illness. And even though she employed me to take care of her children, not as her caregiver, she thought it was fine to expose me to more illness as I brought her soup, tea, crackers, etc. Also, on that day, she exposed her breasts to me. I am sure she just thought she was more comfortable with her top off while ill. I am sure it was an accident. But frankly, it was careless and inappropriate. In general, that was the tone of their household. Careless and inappropriate.

I was sick a great deal last winter. And it was terrible. And for her to insinuate that I was not sick, but actually have a drinking problem that prevents me from being responsible, is slanderous. I think it should also be noted that Ms. Olen asked me to make up two sick days. Yes. Which meant I worked 12 days straight. I also document that on the blog. I was exhausted and fatigued and I felt like I was being punished for being sick. The fact that I worked the weekend and the hours compounded together more than made up for my sick day absences, well, that of course is never mentioned by Ms. Olen. That would detract from her intent to show me as irresponsible.

It is particularly sad when Ms. Olen expressed "fear" that I would "judge her life and find it wanting." This might be hard for Ms. Olen to understand, considering this article reveals that she lives in an insular inner world where everything is about HER, but I didnt judge her life. Why? Well, I never really thought about it at all. She employed me to care for her children. Her choices? Her compromises? Not my business. The only times I considered her life was in relation to my employment: Would she manage her schedule so she would stop changing my hours? Would she and her husband figure out if they were staying in Brooklyn so I would stop having to listen to them debate moving to the suburbs? But I think it is also relevant to point out that Ms.Olen's expressed fear that I would judge her life is really to try to paint me as anti mother and anti children. When in fact, I have consistently blogged about how I want to make professional choices now to ensure that I can be a mother some day. Those posts are here and here.

Still think I am a party girl who judges women with children?

But what I do find *wanting* about Ms. Olen is a shocking lack of integrity and ability to find reasonable perspective on her own life and others.

Also, when Ms. Olen says I sarcastically refer to caring for her children as "work" I happen to have proof that she is contriving this emotion after the fact. Yep, sometimes I put work in " ". When Ms. Olen first read my blog she sent me a personal email, COMPLIMENTING, that gesture! Admitting, that yes, babysitting was a strange business. So, what is the real deal here? Also, I take issue with her because she suggests nannies are not workers, that our service is not labor. Isnt the problem that traditionally defined "women's" work is not considered real labor? Real labor that is valuable? Caring for children is work. It can be great work; it comes with real highs and real lows. Just Like Everything Else. But also, I would like, surprisingly, to agree with Ms. Olen. Nannies often do have great relationships with families and visit them years later for free. In fact, I actually blog about such a relationship that I have with a family I used to work for. You can read that post here. Sadly, I could never feel that way about Ms. Olen and her family. And frankly, I think that is what upsets her the most.

Also, I would like to add, that I continue to work as a nanny. That the families I am currently working for are very pleased with my services. That one has only increased my hours. We have a positive working relationship that has redeemed this year for me.

Now, another key to Ms. Olen's essay is the post where I supposedly ridicule all of her life choices. Your can read it here. Yes, Ms. Olen and her spouse did fight in front of me once. It was awful and I couldnt believe they had so little concern for my comfort. But no, this post isnt about her. Sorry, Ms. Olen. Its not. I had in fact, attended a poetry reading at CUNY that evening. It was a star-studded reading of Sylvia Plath's Ariel. (You can double check the CUNY event calendar to compare the date). Which for those of you not familiar with her work, deals with the dissolution of her marriage to poet Ted Hughes. The poems are brilliant though depressing. And during that event, a person who I care for, who had actually loaned me a book that evening (thus the title) walked out on me. I was shocked and angry. That coupled with the poetry and some other disappointments in my life (actually, my own parent's violent relationship which Ms. Olen is unaware of) produced a piece of writing that was difficult but personally necessary for me to write. If you look at the longest paragraph, you will see that I have actually alluded to five Plath Poems ( Bee Keeper's Daughter and Lady Lazarus, to name two). Frankly, her attributing this piece of writing to her own life suggests she is both paranoid and narcissistic. A lethal combination. I am sorry Ms. Olen lives in a world where every hard emotion must be about her life. That must be a very painful way to live.

Also, I knew that the situation was no good. I had told a former employer over the winter holidays that I felt misused. The non-child related chores where only growing. I felt the emotional stresses of their unsettled household. I had even begun to ask former employers to prepare references, because I needed another job. I found one within a week, and started the same week I stopped working for Ms. Olen. Coincidence? No.

I think it might be interesting for readers to note the title of her essay, "The New Nanny Diaries are Online." So, I did a little analysis of my blog. And I found that I wrote less than 500 hundred words about being a nanny. And in fact, less than half of those words are about Ms. Olen and her family. In total, I have written over 20,000 words on this blog. Less than 1 percent of this blog is about being a nanny for the Olen family. The New Nanny Diaries? Not at all. Making characters out of my employers? I challenge you to find it. Ms. Olen has chosen to write a malicious and selectively edited essay because writing about bad nannies and blogs is trendy. Its a sad commentary on her self described moniker as "journalist."

Now, I have refuted the essay and directed you to posts that contradict her claims. There are even more posts than those, but you can look through the archives if you want. But I also want to make something clear. I am refuting the claims about my "promiscuity" simply because it really doesnt represent the life I am leading. However, I will defend any woman's right to sleep with whomever, whenever she wants. Ms. Olen is shocked by a single woman who has and talks about sex. She shouldnt be. Her outrage only suggests her own prejudices. If you are in a polyamorous relationship and that works for you? Great. If you prefer the thrill of sport fucking? Wonderful. If you are a queer and gender fucking turns you on? Go Forth and Fuck. I think one of the most disappointing things about this essay is the way it suggests that a woman who thinks about sex, writes about it, has it, chooses an academic career that asks questions about its societal relevance (my blog clearly states that my intellectual interests have to do with the intersection of sex and violence in Victorian novels) is not fit to care for children. Ridiculous. I think most women have a lot to say about sex. And I choose to say it. Also, I am more and more outraged that she interjects my queer sexuality as a way to make the article more salacious. I do have a boyfriend but I am still, Proudly, bisexual. I am not ashamed of being attracted to women. And for her to throw it in her essay as a means to make it more *sensational* is a sad commentary on her own prejudices.

This Blog! It has caused me some problems. The Boyfriend HATES IT. He has been patient through this whole NYTIMES debacle. But he has repeatedly said, somethings dont need to be in print. Maybe he was right.

I love blogging though. I have found it so so helpful this year as I prepared to head back to school. I love the blogs I read and the sense of community and the great dialogue that is going on in the blogsphere.

So, this little blog, I will make it a gallery of posts that I especially like. However, my daily blogging will now happen elsewhere. Partly because of this whole incident, partly because I like the idea that this blog represents a transitional year, partly because the idea that Ms. Olen is so interested in my life and reads this blog, CREEPS ME OUT.

Feel free to comment, or better yet, write the NYTIMES about their lack of standards even in the Style Section. And I retain the right to delete anything malicious or inappropriate.

Again, if you came looking for "nannies gone wild," sorry to disappoint you.

This Always Comes Back To Haunt Me

Now, when applying to graduate programs, I was aware that I would have exes and former lovers/entanglements in every city I applied to. Something, even if it was an inappropriate crush on an exboyfriends former roommate. But when I settled on UVA, I realized that indeed, I did have an ex boyfriend in Charlottesville. Yep, a young medical student, already married two years to the girl he dated right after me. We were never in love. Half of our relationship was long distance, I did however meet his parents and was invited home for Christmas ( but I broke up with him before the holidays). So, today, I tracked down his email on the University Web site and let him know that I would be heading to Charlottesville in a month. I basically explained that I didnt want him or his wife to run into me and be surprised. Its best to be prepared so you can avoid someone at all costs, if need be. Now, after 4 years, several boyfriends and my current serious relationship, I have no feelings for him. Truth be told, I never had much feelings for him in the first place. But his response, brief, barely congenial, startled me. He thanked me for the advance warning, seconded my feeling that we would inevitably run into one another, and then said, we shouldnt be in regular contact. Now, I am not interested in his life. I am sure as a fourth year medical student, he is quite busy. I am also sure I will be busy as well. I found this comment to be completely unnecessary and off putting ( which, well, was its intent). It makes me wish I was headed to the Midwest, to potentially friendlier exboyfriend's former roommates.

Mid Day Minor Musings

Its cooled off in the city. Instead of dreading the standard afternoon outing in Park Slope, it was perfectly pleasant. Hopefully, my walk up has caught the cross breeze and managed to become an inhabitable temperature.

My low grade nausea still persists and I am more and more inclined to think that it has to do with way too much progeston in my system. Double doses of B.C.P in one week and my body is still recovering.

Havent seen the Boyfriend in two nights which leaves me feeling vulnerable and committing to such grand gestures as spending a night in his loft and letting him pick the movie rental ( we retired netflix a month ago). But we will make a very casual dinner of small tasty items we picked up at Trader Joes. Crab cakes, shumai, spinach dip and the like. Easy summer cooking.

Going to Trader Joes this past weekend made me wistful. Why cant they open a few in NYC? They have them in Downtown Boston! I first fell in love with them in Boston and then became a committed customer during my college days out West. Its so tasty and cheap!

My deposit for my share of a house should be in Charlottesville any day now. It makes me a little sad. And it also makes me happy.

Windy Bed Blogging

Its 30 degrees cooler in my bedroom than my living room. Due to punery before my move, I havent shelled out for an air conditioner in the common room. My room has an industrial strength fan and an air conditioner. Its the only inhabitable room in the apartment.

After work, on my walk to the subway, I treated myself to some nifty mango bath gel at the Body Shop. Because in this heat, I take about three showers a day. I need a little variety.

And tonight? Too tired and too hot for anything substantial. Completely solo as the Boyfriend is hanging out with Grog. I watched some bad reality TV, tried to eat a little ( too hot), and then I indulged in W magazine, which I love, love, love. Yes, in a period of 24 hours, I have read a few hundred pages of bell hooks and the JULY issue of W magazine. What can I say? I am complicated.


But I recieved a surprise email from E who will be in town briefly. She is headed to NYC before she heads to Turkey! I think I (now) have plans with her and A ( also recently returned to the city) for Bastille Day. I predict it will be the highlight of my week.

The hurricane type rain and wind that is currently pitted against my Brownstone Brooklyn neighborhood may impede the BBQ the Boyfriend and I plan on attending tonight. Its really dinner with Bex and Steven. Which due to work committments, vacations, and lyme disease, we have had to postpone too many times. And now? Inclement weather? Does the Universe have something to say about our spending time together?

Its a fairly lazy Saturday here. Last night the Boyfriend and I stayed in. He cooked and we briefly squabbled about how to prepare pork chops. I think that means we are headed toward marriage. After our meal we tortured ourselves by watching Meet the Fockers. I thought the first film, Meet the Parents, was quite funny and was shocked that its sequeal was so so poor. But we were in bed by midnight. No sex do to a birth control mishap so we just pretended we were Zombies and gave each other big wet kisses. Fun, to be sure.

The Boyfriend was determined to redeem our film watching of late and put in The Sweet Here After this morning. Many people have written about this film far better than I could. But I will agree that it is subtle and haunting.

My freshdirect delievery came on the early side of the two hour window and now after another lunch of bread and cheese (I ate some asparagus last night, I swear) I have nothing to do but wait for the rain to wane and head to Bex's. Yikes. that's hours away and I have no excuse not to read and work.

Back to your regularly scheduled program

Last night The Boyfriend and I went to see Land of the Dead. Now, I was, and still am, unfamiliar with the Zombie Film Genre. However, when the The Boyfriend suggested we see it, I thought it would be silly and light and that was exactly what I was in the mood for.

Now, I grew up with four brothers. I have seen plenty of films with excessive violence. Clint Eastwood Westerns were a family staple. The Terminator Franchise, admittedly, I have seen them all. So, I thought I would be prepared for whatever was in this film. Not So Much. I dry heaved at the site of a zombie eating human flesh. And when I saw detached human fingers on the ground, I really did think I was going to vomit. I asked to leave. At first The Boyfriend thought I was joking. But I wasnt. I was done.

I felt guilty that we walked out of a movie that we paid 20+ dollars for. However, The Boyfriend declared that was only the second movie he left, the first being, Amelie. I felt better. To each his own.

We headed back to Williamsburg ( where I, grudgingly, agreed to stay the night). And even with the ruckus concerning our sex life in the last few days, he asked me to do a sexy dance. I started a mock and rather clumsy strip tease. However, I became extremely embarassed, grabbed my strewn clothes. I ran to our room, happy.

And then we had funny comfortable sex that only the truly intimate can have. Instead of feeling purient, it felt safe and secure and confirmed my life choices.

Go Figure.

I love to hear the rain in Manhattan, the harmony of the drizzle on the different levels of stone and concrete.

Its funny, with all the day's stress, the basics remain constant.

But still, emails to editors, PR people, bloggers, and friends and at the end of the day, here I am in my walk up doing the same mundane daily chores I always have to do. I packed another box of odds and ends for my upcoming move. I paid bills online. I tried to convince one of my roommate's friends that she should take over my room. I ate another appetizer style dinner with cheese, baguette, and spinach and artichoke dip. I will read blogs and hopefully another chapter of bell hooks' OutLaw Culture. The WB network is on as background noise.

Its grand in its simplicity and the complexity it elites.

Its been a difficult 14 hours. I still feel hurt and attacked but it makes me feel better to take action and I am.

One, I retained the services of a PR maven with a media/ internet specialty. Yippee.

Two, people will notice that I have made a few modifications to my moniker and limited the availability of people to contact me directly. No longer will my personal email address or profile be available.

I will probably turn this page into a selected entries site. I will continue to blog, but in a more anonymous context, especially as I enter graduate school. Interested individuals who would like that new blog address, just leave your contact info in the comments section of this blog.

If the article is actually published in a week and a half, I will highlight its inaccuracies and misrepresentation, using this blog and its entries as actual evidence. But more and more, I want to find a way to minimize this ridiculous incident.