Saturday, February 5th, 2005
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7:42 pm
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He says he loves me and I feel dirty.
I love him too but I feel like a fraud.
I already said that to someone else.
Who's going to believe that this time I know what I'm saying?
With Matthew, it's different.
The way he makes me feel, forces me to constantly redefine my definition of love.
Everyday, he finds a new way to melt my heart or sweep me off my feet. He's incredible. He's perfect. He's amazing.
I'm not sure what it is, and if I knew, I probably wouldn't be able to explain it, but there's just something about him that I fall more in love with every time I see him, or talk to him, or even think about him.
Right now, I love him so much that I feel like I am literally going to explode.
And that's how I know....
I've never felt this way about anyone before, and I've never even imagined being in love with anyone the way I am with him.
He drives me absolutely crazy.
current mood:  loved
current music: John Mayer ~ Neon
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(a pennY for Your thoughts)
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Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
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6:33 pm - I don't wanna be told to grow up and I don't wanna change. I just wanna have fun...
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Caught up with some old friends.
It seems like everyone has grown up but me.
I seem to be getting younger by the day.
Some have real jobs. Their own houses. One is engaged. One is married. Most are in second year university.
Why do I suddenly feel five years old?
Or rather, why don't I like this feeling anymore?
Matty lets me be the baby. I like that.
But I'm starting to forget that the real world requires my being an adult. I mean, I'm twenty fucking years old. It shouldn't be that hard.
I shouldn't need to put Lilo and Stitch on to fall asleep at night. I shouldn't be able to watch it 5 solid times in a row and still be entertained.
I shouldn't have nightmares about "Agrilators and Trocodiles".
I shouldn't consider blue sour candy a legitimate food group.
I should have a quilt, maybe blankets, but not a blankie.
I shouldn't need Matty to tuck me into bed and sing me songs when I'm sad.
I'm really too old to be such a child but I just can't seem to want to grow up.
Help..
current mood:  envious
current music: Simple Plan - Grow Up
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(a pennY for Your thoughts)
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Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
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8:27 pm - It's just too late, and we can't go back.....
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Fuck.
No...
Help.
This can't be happening.
Now now.
I'm sooooooooo fucked.
Help.
Don't hate me.
please.
current mood: fucked....
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Sunday, January 30th, 2005
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7:07 pm
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3:08 pm
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Pieces of Me by Ashlee Simpson |
"Fall, with you I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath
I hope it lasts"
In 2004 you fell in love. Let's hope it lasts.
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Cute...
( I'm Bored )
Someone help me... blech
current music: Ashlee Simpson - Unreachable
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(1 ? | a pennY for Your thoughts)
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12:56 pm
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Working crazy fucked up hours has pretty much killed any relationship I have other than with my computer and Cait (who I work with!!!)
So being up at four a.m. led me to the ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20050207081157im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) gimpysex community, which I'm ashamed to say, entertained me for a while before upsetting me horribly.
And now I'm reluctant to say that I feel a lot better about my own life because of these people. I mean, at least I have 2 legs, so I can run away from my problems. And have normal sex, which makes things a lot more bearable on the home front....
So am I awful?
I was wallowing in self-pity, until I stumbled upon a congregation of the less fortunate.
Did I use them?
I feel better because of other people's misfortune. In a way, I benefitted from it.
Is that wrong?
current mood:  grateful
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(a pennY for Your thoughts)
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Saturday, January 29th, 2005
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7:55 pm
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okay. perhaps that was a little harsh.
I don't hate you.
I love you.
Elsewise you wouldn't be pissing me off so much..
current mood:  rejected
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(a pennY for Your thoughts)
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2:35 am
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I don't want to be governed by my thighs, or rather, their role in the greater scheme of other people's standards.
I don't even know what a BMI is. But I do know that it's wrong to be this vain and I probably shouldn't feel so quilty for eating a third of a serving of Baker's chocolate.
It's 3 am for crying out loud! what else is there to do?
Somehow I've allowed myself to dwindle in and out of the realm of TMI at my own indescretion for far too long.
I've also fallen in love with more than my fair share of boyfriends, friends, and beautiful strangers.
I think I may be artificial.
The fact that I don't care lends itself generously to my thesis.
yuck.
current mood: dissatisfied
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(a pennY for Your thoughts)
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Friday, January 28th, 2005
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4:03 pm
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Thursday, November 11th, 2004
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3:23 pm
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In honor of remembrance day, I tried my hardest to remembrance.
But I forgotted.
Sorry Matty.
At lease I remembrance the important things. Like your birthday and that you hate pickles.
Well actually, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I still have five more days to go before I can say that I didn't forget your birthday.
A lot can happen in that length of time(Such as me sleeping right through it).
But the important thing is, I'll never forget that you hate pickles.
And there was something else...what was it?
oh yeah
I love you
this is all.
current mood: loved
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(5 ? | a pennY for Your thoughts)
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Wednesday, October 6th, 2004
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3:50 am
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This could be uncalled for, but I decided that I'm sick of lying.
I'm sick of lying to myself, and I'm sick of talking my way around my identity.
I'm a good kid.
I've done some really bad stuff that I'm sick of justifying.
So SCREW YOU!!
Maybe I am "sick", or even "perverted". But I'm not the only one.
So as much as you want to criminalize the act of being Amanda Rushton, you can't. Not until you're prepared to do the same for everyone else.
I think it's just easier for you to hate me, and that's really unfortunate. Hatred is a very self-destructive emotion to subscribe to. So you can join my not-so-fanatic fan club, but you'll be the one who loses sleep over it.
I've grown quite accustomed to being disliked. It's an acquired taste, but I enjoy it. Especially when I get the really juvenile stuff....Because we all know that I'm ugly. Oh wait, and fat! ouch...
I could teach y'all a thing or two, cuz you ain't got NOTHING on me.
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Grow Up ~ Simple Plan
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(a pennY for Your thoughts)
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2:29 am - Hi Sweetay, it's meeeeeee!
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You scare me sometimes.
Actually, you terrify me. And A lot more than sometimes.
I really don't understand what goes through your head when you rationalize the way these boys treat you. They're all jerks. Every one of them.
And it breaks my heart to know that you can't see that.
How is it that you don't know enough to recognize a good guy, or rather the qualities that makes all these guys bad.
You're our best friend and it scares me to see how easily you get taken advantage of.
One day someone is going to hurt you in a very big way, and I have no idea what to say to make you realize that...
I really can't understand what it is that makes a girl as great as you go after guys as horrible as them. I don't know how anyone can be forgiven for the kinds of things they do to you.
It's driving me crazy.
No matter how hard I try, I can't make sense of it. I can't make you understand that guys who use you, or lie to you are not worthy of second chances.
You deserve someone who will love you without sex. You deserve someone who won't make you sneak around behind another girl's back. You deserve someone who won't make you do things you don't want to do. You deserve someone who won't make you feel like second best. You deserve someone who won't send you on guilt trips. You deserve someone who won't lead you on. You deserve someone who wouldn't cheat on you....
Actually, that's all common decency. That's what everyone deserves. And you, my love, deserve more. Not less.
Maybe I've just been incredibly blessed, and that's why I can't understand why anyone would take the kinda shit that you take, but I'm certain that Matt's not the only amazingly perfect guy out there. Just keep looking, there's one for you too. I'm sure of it.
Until then, please be careful. I'm really scared for you. I don't want the same thing that happened to me to happen to you....or worse.
I love you.
You're in my prayers.
current mood:  worried
current music: Everytime ~ Britney Spears
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(a pennY for Your thoughts)
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Tuesday, September 28th, 2004
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1:49 am
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Yesterday, I told you that I loved you times infinity...
And today I love you a little more.
You have to stop doing that to me, Matthew. You're making me into a liar.
I don't mind though.
I don't mind being married to you either, but I'm getting REALLY antsy for the divorce...
I love you, PS.
current mood: runny nose
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(1 ? | a pennY for Your thoughts)
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Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
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6:55 pm
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6:45 pm
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Summer is dying. I can smell it, and it makes me miss my brother.
Everything changes. I can hear it, and it makes me miss the old Yellowcard.
I love you, Matthew. I did yesterday, and I will tomorrow.
It seems to be about the only thing I'm sure of these days. But I don't mind. I'm Lovin' it .
Sorry for the indescretion, but that's all I have deemed relevant at this point in time. But at least you can rest assured that there is no picture. Have you figured me out yet? It ends at seven.
But I'll love you afterwards. Who am I kidding? I'll love you the entire time. How could I not???
current mood:  distressed
current music: Yellowcard ~ Ocean Avenue
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(a pennY for Your thoughts)
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Saturday, September 11th, 2004
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3:03 am - pain....
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You tell me where to go and though I might leave to find it, I'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it....
Maybe I go about things entirely the wrong way. Or maybe he's just ultrasensitive.
Either way, I'm sorry for the way things turned out.
Matty, I love you.
So I'm sorry I get a little too fucked up sometimes. But it's all in good fun.
You should know I'm just joking.
And the fact that I am using everything I have in me to type coherent sentances after all I drank tonight should tell you something.
And it's that I LOVE YOU BABY.
I'm sorry I act too silly sometimes. But you shouldn't be so serious all the time. And if you are, then I'm definately the LAST girl you should be dating.
LAST.
So how about you stop being so serious. Because I don't want to be some thank you in a prayer jar.
I love you.
I love how you hold my hand.
I love how you kiss.
I love how you wrap your arms around me and tell me you love me....
you're amazing.
and I love everything about you.
And I don't want a couple mickies of tequila to ruin that.
so I'm sorry.
I love you baby, and I'll see you at your game tomorrow.
bright and early.
THE CB IS MINE!!!
I love you.
I miss you a little....ok a lot.
and PS. today is our 3 months..so you cant be mad at me today....
or any other day.
you're not allowed remember.... i love you...
happy place.
current mood:  drunk
current music: Everytime ~ Britney Spears
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(2 ? | a pennY for Your thoughts)
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Saturday, September 4th, 2004
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7:23 am
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So much fucking...and so little love.
And on a completely unrelated note: I'm going to be sick.
No, wait. it's all pretty well in context.
UGH.
current mood:  sick
current music: When I'm with You ~ Simple Plan
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(2 ? | a pennY for Your thoughts)
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5:47 am
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2:59 am
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Friday, September 3rd, 2004
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3:10 pm
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can't forget what you said,
and i NEVER wanna do this again.
current mood:  blah
current music: Simple Plan ~ Addicted
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(a pennY for Your thoughts)
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crazy
dirty
sore