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[01 Feb 2005|04:32pm] |
I'm moving to a new username. Why? Because this one is disgusting. I will keep this journal though, because 2 years of my life are right here down this page. It's sad to say goodbye :(
I'll add everyone on my friendslist on my new username, and I hope you will add me back.
![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20050203203336im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) _voyageur
thanks journal, you were great.
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[30 Jan 2005|04:31am] |
My biggest fear is regret. I want to do something with my life... MY life. I'm afraid to look back at my life someday and realise that I didn't live it the way I really wanted to. I don't want to do things because other people do them as well, I don't want to sit back and let other people live my life for me. It must be horrible to lock away yourself to just... fit in with the others. I'd rather not fit in instead of being someone I'm actually not. Yes, sometimes I'm lonely, but atleast I can accept myself. It must be horrible when you feel down and lonely when you can't even get along with yourself...
I guess it's time for bed... It's 04.30 AM and it's been a long night at work.
Goodnight everyone, sweet dreams!
( another promotion )
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[28 Jan 2005|04:30pm] |
Every other day I see a boy in the bus to Rotterdam. There's something about him and I can't put my finger on it... He's not like other guys. He looks foreign, lonely. He's always wearing dark clothes and a dark red shawl. He looks like he has an immense intelligence somehow. When he walks it doesn't look like walking; more like... floating. He has a certain grace. I just don't know, but there's something fascinating about him. I often wonder what his life looks like. What happens when he gets off the bus? Where is he going and why? What is he thinking when he looks out of the window of that bus every day?
I read an advertisement in a local paper. A jeanscenter is looking for models to test their products on to see if the sizes match. I'm going next thursday, even though I'd rather stay home. I don't even think they'll pick me, so why on earth did I call for that "job" anyway?? I mean, you're supposed to have size 36/38. Most of my sweaters and t-shirts are size 34, SOMETIMES 36. They asked for jeans size 30-31... eh, my jeans size is 29, at most. It's been a while since I was too thin :P
Olaf is gonna kill me if I cancel this...
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[27 Jan 2005|06:21pm] |
Ducks are funny. They walk so stupid, you know, their bodies whiggle when they take a step. I noticed while looking out of the window on my way back home after shopping. I bought this really cute jacket yesterday, and I got myself another one today. Sales are great... Skirt: €7.95, Blouse: €4.95, purple jacket: €15,- and the fun goes on. I'll post pictures soon :)
I don't know why, but my moods are swinging lately. Well, actually I DO know why. It's just that I miss being with Olaf. I mean REALLY being with him. We'll work things out but it just feels so inconvenient to me right now. I can't really explain, I just want to get this off my mind. I'm a girl that needs a special kind of attention every now and then, and right now we just can't get to that level. Somehow we're just to bussy doing other things instead. I can't pretend that it doesn't bother me because it does. It's not that it's crucial or something, don't get me wrong. I can't stand the thought of losing Olaf! And it's good to know that I won't lose him :) We just need some "quality time".
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[27 Jan 2005|10:07am] |
"Het is jouw schuld dat het aan mij ligt"
Die was ik nog vergeten te posten. Zal dit de Quote worden waarmee ik beroemd word? Waarmee ik eindelijk erkenning krijg voor mijn grenzeloze intelligentie? Voor mijn excentrieke persoonlijkheid? Voor mijn briljante verzinsels? Voor mijn buitengewone prestaties?
Neuh... ik blijf maar gewoon wie ik ben. Een ietwat apart meisje met een gemiddeld intelligentieniveau en geen overdaad aan zelfverzekerdheid.
Maar een goede uitspraak is het wel... Misschien komt hij ooit eens van pas :P
on another note:
join ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20050203203336im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) ___voltage
this might be fun :)
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[26 Jan 2005|10:25am] |
I feel so... I don't know, I couldn't possibly talk about this here in my journal. I have a rule for myself that everything that's happening in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. I'm not in my bedroom right now so... Right now livejournal is not the friend I'd like her to be but once again: you can't always have what you want.
And if you believe in dreams
Or what is more important
That a dream can come true
I miss you
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[24 Jan 2005|08:39am] |
SNOW!
This weekend has been fun, like most of the weekends. Unlike most of the weekends I've been to gay-palace with Olaf, Michel and Joeri this time. I liked that place! Immagine a night out when you can dance without being stared at by guys, because all the guys are simply attracted to other guys :) It was also funny to realise that all the women in there are lesbians. Doesn't bother me though ;)
Sunday started off with a serious talk with Olaf. We had sort of a misunderstanding the other night wich still bothered him. It's a long story but it comes down to the fact that he's (we've both!) been through situations in previous relationships. Situations we'd rather not deal with again. Sometimes you get scared by little things because you're afraid the crap will start all over again. You know it won't but you recognise the feeling you had back then and it scares you because you don't want this relationship to end up like the others. We're okay now :)
After the talk we went to Olaf's nephew Walter who celebrated his birthday. Two people there had been to Gambia so we had an interesting talk :) We left again early because it was also my granddad's birthday and I wanted to say hi because chances are he'll be back in the hospital next week so he won't get the chance to go out for dinner with the family. It's sad. He's been through so many things, and he's SO strong! Yet the bad things keep happening to him and it makes me so angry. It's just not fair! I really hope he'll get better.
Olaf and I went to the Aviator that night. This movie is eh... well, it's a good movie but it would be even better if it didn't last so long. I've never been to a movie where so many people left the cinema before the end of the movie. But still... It's most definitely not my favorite, but it's a true piece of art.
We ended the day with another good talk. We're so alike, Olaf and I. We're both terrified to lose eachother. When you want to have a better look you step closer. But sometimes you're so close that it just gets harder to see. That's the thing with Olaf and me. We're holding eachother so close that we can't have a good view on our situation. Funny, that after almost ten months we're still on our pink cloud. Who would've thought?
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[22 Jan 2005|02:15pm] |
Leona Naess makes great music. I can relate to her songs, especially to lazy days. I don't know, it's just a feeling I recognise from some while ago. I've been listening to this song over and over again and it still gets me everytime.
Why can't you be with me
Watching American TV
We'll order in chinese
And ask the world to stay away, please
These hotels groe so stale
Telling the same ass-tale
By the time I get to you
I'll be too tired to...
Soak up some lazy days
No one can rain on our parade
Standing here beneath the shade
Of our love
Let's slide down the avenue
Like good New Yorkers do
Maybe then I'll believe
When you give, man, you recieve
Wide-eyed and stupid
I'm waiting for the arrows of cupid
Wide-eyed and stupid
I'm waiting for the arrows of cupid
Wide-eyed and stupid
I'm waiting for the arrows
of your love
Talking about good music... I think Damien Rice's cd "O" is finally available in regular shops here. (if it wasn't already, because I never really searched) I heard one of his songs in a trailer for a movie called "closer" and read about it in the free record shop magazine... hm, maybe it's time for me to buy the original of this wonderful cd... This album is so full of emotion that it hurts. almost 1.5 years ago this guy called... eh, what's his name again? RUTGER! We've been on a date, if you can call it a date... He brought this music to my attention. Interesting kid, Rutger. A traveller. He's been to australia for a couple of months. He worked at a farm for some weeks, travelled on and stopped to work so he could earn some money to continue his trip. What is it with me and travellers anyway? :-/ I guess they remind me to my dreams. One day I WILL see the great wall of China, and I WILL climb "the roof of the world" and I WILL build that water reservoir in South Africa. I just want to see the world and meet cultures...
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[21 Jan 2005|04:17pm] |
Dear God,
please forgive me for being such an evil girl. I have cheated in a game called "life" and I feel no guilt whatsoever. In fact, it felt good, it felt REALLY good... *evil grin* Believe me when I say that sometimes you have to break your own rules and play the game like other people do to get what you want.
Never mind, this is kind of an insider :)
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I was still not doing to well yesterday. Still I decided to go to my math classes because I definitely need good marks this period. After class I went to the shops. Ok, eh, I needed condoms. And why oh why does it feel so uncomfortable to go to the pharmacy and say: "Hello miss, 12 condoms please." I allowed myself to go to H&M; to buy something cute at the sales AFTER I bought those rubbers. I tried to convince myself that after climbing that mountains in Croatia, after walking the dessert in Egypt and after eating a fish with his head still on in Porlamar, buying condoms would be a piece of cake. I quickly payed for the damn things and rushed to H&M; where I got myself the cutest 60's top in the whole world :D
That evening Olaf and I went to some guy -Kevin- Olaf met during a screentest at TMF. It was fun meeting some interesting people, but sadly they were busy being interesting. Every once in a while I cought up with the conversation when it turned to a topic I could talk about and the rest of the time I enjoyed myself wondering about the daily lives of these people. There was one girl called -guess what?- Cher, who I seemed to have a lot in common with me.
Olaf and I didn't join the group to go out and went to Hollywood by ourselves instead. You know, this place gets more sad everytime I visit. We talked to my old classmate Mathias and left again after 30 minutes. That was officially the shortest visit to a club in my entire life :D When we got to the car my headache said hi again. I felt misserable. I knew I had gone to far, way to far. I should've been in bed early.
At this time my head doesn't feel any better. I called Anton to tell him I wouldn't be able to join Pim, Janine and him to their drinking game this evening. I'll be home instead, hoping tomorrow I'll feel better, because I REALLY want to go to Gay Palace with Joeri, Michel and Olaf tomorrow. :(
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The newspapers had quite a shocking story today... 17 boys, aged 9 to 16 are being accused for the rape of a 13 year old girl. The girl was raped in april, may and october. A number of the accused boys admitted their crime.
9 years old! The world is a mad place...
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[20 Jan 2005|09:39am] |
Yesterday was a nice day. One of the nicest days of the year so far! I did some shopping for my mother, who's still having a really hard time with her back. I finished my new layout, which looks good now. (oh yes I'm brilliant, thank you :P nah, kidding) Olaf called me up to ask if I wanted to come over to watch a movie, so I did. Ofcourse we only watched that movie for ten minutes because somehow we found another way to have a good time... *whistles*
Let's see... I went home to have dinner and then Olaf and his mom picked me up to see Michel, who had an accident with one of the machines at work. His finger got stuck :( He must have felt that! Michel didn't want to go to the gym though, so Olaf took me with him. I'm still trying to find a nice sport to keep me in shape, because I would look better than I do now if I only did some work-outs. There's this really funny thing called spinning. It's basically just disco cycling. You cycle your ass off in a dark room with loud music and discolights for an hour. Sounds like fun to me. I'm not the type of girl for a teamsport. I'm more of a loner. Besides, teamsports and balls often walk along, and I HATE balls! (no wait, I'm not being completely honest to myself, I'm insecure, and I'm affraid my team mates won't like me because.. well, because people seem to think I'm "different". And I'm affraid I'm not good enough. There!)
Ok, Olaf and I went to Dordrecht to have some shoarma and on our way back we had a good talk. How I Love to talk. I'm such a girly! I can see myself in 20 years, being the type of wife that complains to her man: "Honey, we hardly talk anymore!" :P
So... another lovely day on my list. When I think about it, I"m such a happy girl. I have everything I need, maybe even everything I want! Yes, I'm happy :)
And in love...
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[18 Jan 2005|05:00pm] |
I've spend the day being sick. My head hurts and my stomach acts like it's been hit by a brick. My mom can hardly walk because of her back. I have no idea what she did, but something's wrong, that's for sure. We watched National Treasure, which I borrowed from Anton't dad yesterday. Talking about yesterday... Anton gave me the updates on his datinglife and I felt SO guilty for not being there for him last week. I told him to call me next time, no mater what. I hope he will. We watched this horror movie, the Grudge. It started off so well! Some good "Hitchcock moments" and scares. Good movie, untill it ends. I have a lot of imagination, and I like open endings, but this was ridiculous, even to me!
Olaf and I booked our holiday yesterday! How could I NOT start with that one? We booked the hotel I showed you before. Kotu, Hotel Palm beach and the best thing: Seavieuw. This is going to be so romantic! And adventurous... I can already see the two of us on the beach, after spending the day in the jungle. We could just sit there, watching the sun go down and talking about things we normally wouldn't take the time for to talk about. Wait a minute... I hope the beds aren't seperate in our room! Heh...
Anyway... I tried to make a new layout for my livejournal today. I started with my icon... I Like it. You can see my favorite things, like tea, a beach, kissing, flowers and... my bed :) I decided to change my layout after that, but it looks aweful. I'll get back to that tomorrow.
GAMBIA!
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[16 Jan 2005|09:01pm] |
Like I promised, the rest of the pictures Tom made... Well, my favorites :) Can you believe this is ME? I sure can't!
Teaser:
( Lights and make-up please! )
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Ik kan niet slapen... Het zal wel aan mijn buik liggen, die doet een beetje naar tegen me. Tja, dat heb je één keer in de vier weken.
Ik zat zo eens te denken, mijn livejournal, waarom doe ik dit eigenlijk? Het lijkt natuurlijk wel een beetje raar om mijn hele dagelijkse leven zo op internet te kwakken, of niet? Wat ik even duidelijk wil hebben is dat ik dit puur voor mezelf doe. Ik ben eerlijk, en zeg wat ik denk. Dat kan soms confronterend zijn... Niet alleen voor mezelf, maar ook voor mijn omgeving. Olaf... ik kan me goed voorstellen dat jij er niet op zit te wachten om ongevraagd mijn digitale wereldje ingesleept te worden. Zeker nu er toch wel wat mensen blijken te zijn die dit lezen. Maar ik hoop dat je weet dat ik hele persoonlijke dingen meestal wel achterwege laat. Maak je dus geen zorgen, niemand zal ooit te weten komen dat je eigenlijk het liefst dagenlang in een blauw kangoeroepak door de kamer huppelt terwijl ik je in een struisvogelpak achterna ren en in je billetjes knijp ;)
Zoals ik al zei, ik doe dit voor mezelf, en niet voor anderen. Ik ben dan ook absoluut niet van plan om ook maar IETS aan de inhoud van mijn journal te wijzigen. Ik ben een heel naïef meisje en ik ga er vanuit dat iedereen die dit leest oprecht geinteresseerd is in wie ik ben en wat ik doe.
Zo. Eens kijken of ik nu inmiddels wel kan slapen :)
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[16 Jan 2005|01:14pm] |
Livejournal was down yesterday :( Too bad, because I definitely felt like posting some thoughts.
Last night at work people were awefull. I don't think I ever had a night with that many complainers. About the icecubes, about the prices, about other costumers, about the lables I pour, about the glasses... Even about the straws! "NO! There should be more Vodka in that drink!" "You shouldn't use tripple sec!" "it's supposed to be in thát glass!" Dammit, who's been working at that bar for over 2 years now? I think that if there's anyone who knows how to make MY cocktails it'll be me, and not some 16 year old who's not even allowed to drink that amount of alcohol yet. Excuse me for saying so, but I was the one who made up all these cocktails in the first place. Talking didn't work, so I switched over to my ignorant mode and it seemed to work for a while :) Then they called me names and left after a couple of minutes :) Feels good to be a bitch sometimes, even though it's not in my nature.
Olaf picked me up after work. We didn't feel like midnight shoarma so we drove straight home. We went through the Gambia books to have a second look at the hotels and I think we have found our favorite! Click here to take a peek It looks beautifull, and it's located directly at the beach and 150 meters away from the shops and bars. Not a lot of younger people like ourselves visit this country, and I hope that's not a problem to Olaf. I'm relieved to go to Gambia because I simply don't like places like Gran Canaria, Lloret de Mar or ALanya. I like more alternative things. I don't want to spend my holiday partying and sleeping on the beach... I want to get to know a country and it's culture. I want to go to the jungle, I want to climb the hills, I want to walk for miles to take just one beautiful picture. I think I just need some adventure instead of just being lazy and going to every party around.
So, now it's sunday and I'm still wearing my PJ's. How nice it is to waste your day like this. I'll take a long hot bath later on today, Spoil myself with a face scrub and lots of tea, and I'll be lazy untill I"m to tired to stay awake!
Sundays are good :)
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[14 Jan 2005|09:14am] |
Tom took some great pictures of me yesterday and I couldn't wait to show you all the pictures at once, because I'm sooo proud of this one!
And now I'm going to run... I have to catch my bus in ten minutes to make it to the last two tests of the week :) Tonight's my party, I hope it'll be fun! Olaf will pick me up from school and help me with the food-shopping. Shit, I've got to run!
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[13 Jan 2005|03:47pm] |
What a week... I'm studying my brains out for my tests. I'm such a last minute person... Why didn't I study more when I had the time? Most of my tests went okay though. Especially history, about Russia and Germany after 1914. Tomorrow will be awefull, math. I think I'll skip the test to prevent the embarrassment of getting an F.
Olaf and I want to go on a holiday together this summer. We want to go to Gambia, and we probably will :) All that's left to do is find a cute hotel and book the trip. The prizes are surprisingly low, so money won't be a problem. I'm so excited!! I can already feel the sun and smell the Gambian food...
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I seem to have a new, unexpected visitor at my livejournal... Hi Marlous! I'm honoured.
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[07 Jan 2005|01:48pm] |
It's been a while! My excuse is my new plystation, it's highly addictive. I got it for my birthday from my parents, atleast the biggest part of it. Hehe, I'm 20, and what did I ask for? A playstation :) Laugh all you want, it doesn't bother me as long as I can play eye toy. Do you have any idea how much fun eye toy can be? You can see yourself on your television in a game while you move your arms like crazy to beat the levels. I don't even need to go to the gym to keep my body in shape ;)
My birthday was great. most of my family came around 14.00. Olaf got me my dear perfume Ocean Dream. I used to wear that perfume every day, but suddenly it was nowhere to be found. Not even in Amsterdam or Paris! I searched on the internet, emailed Giorgio Beverly Hills, but no luck. Can yo immagine how ecstatic I was when I opened my present? :)
Olaf's family gave me a huge book of Salvador Dalí, so I kno what I'll be reading after I finished that Gustav Klimt book. Joeri made me a illustration like he does for a dutch pop magazine. I took a picture, because you HAVE to see it. His style is great! This is me wearing a Freddy krueger outfit, and the eyes are from Olaf.
I was happy to see my granddad. Since he lost his leg he doesn't go anywhere but to the hospital and back home. He was doing alright, and I'm so proud he dared to take the step to come over and visit me. Go grandad!
On monday my mom and I went to Dordrecht to look for a playstation. Olaf came by to try out the eye toy games. He's good at them! Heh, but I'll beat him, mark my words :P
Next thursday I'm going over to my nephew Tom. He's gonna make pictures with his new camera... can't wait! I'm kind of nervous though, camera + me = no chemistry, but we'll see what my pictures will look like. I'll post them as soon as possible, so you can all see my freshly dyed BROWN hair :) Not blonde anymore, dark, brown :)
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[01 Jan 2005|04:41pm] |
Another year has passed me by. It's been a complicated one... I've learned that trust is something precious, and it should not be put in the wrong hands. I've learned to let go of the things I desperately held on to and I've learned to welcome new and exciting things instead. I've learned that education is important to me because I don't want to spend my life working as a countergirl. I've learned that I can do more than I could possibly immagine if I go for it (and I did!). I've learned that I can't be in control of every aspect of my life. And most important: I've learned that love is something beautiful.
Last year started off zo bad, but had a really happy end. I remember I said 2004 would be MY year, and it was. Not the way I had expected it to be, but when I think of it... even the bad things had a purpose. The sad beginning of a new year lead me straight to the happy end of it; an end full of love. Not only for others, but love for myself as well, because I can look back at 2004 and say: I've learned to live my life MY way, and no one can ever take that away from me.
A happy 2005 everyone
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It's my birthday tomorrow :P
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[30 Dec 2004|04:36pm] |
Remember my trip to Croatia this summer? I went there with 8 people I never met before to do some volunteering. There were 7 guys and one other girl, Anieljah. We got along so well! But... She lives on the other side of our country so we kind of lost contact after the trip.
On monday my phone rang. Anieljah, to ask if it'd be okay if she came by the next day! It was strange to see eachother again after a half a year. But we still got along just fine, and we had a lot of fun. Olaf came by to meet her that evening. She slept over at my place after we went out for a drink in "de Klok", the café that's right above the club I work at. The next day we had fresh croissants for breakfast and went to Rotterdam for some shopping. We promissed eachother to keep in touch and visit eachother more often. I hope we will!
That evening after Anieljah left Olaf and me went to my grandparents. They had never seen Olaf before and I figured it was about time to introduce them. It was fun. I'm glad Olaf likes them, and knowing my grandparents they liked him as well :)
My niece turned 2 today so we got out of bed early to visit her. She loved the babydoll we bought her! She seems much older than 2. she runs around the house, she can talk, she can dance, she even remembers names! So we igured a babydoll would be a nice gift, even though she's still too young for a doll like that.
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[28 Dec 2004|06:50pm] |
Christmas was absolutely great! On Christmas eve Olaf and I went to Exciting, where I usually work. Most of my colleagues were there, having a night off. Only Stefan had to work, poor soul :P I had an interesting conversation with Camiel that evening. Slightly belated, a year to be precise. I just wanted an answer to a question I've been asking myself for quite a while now, and he's the only one who can give me that answer. But he just flipped every question over to his poor situation, not showing any regret for the events of last year on new years eve. Well, he SAID he was sorry, but he said it with such a lack of emotion that I think that he's not sorry for ME, but only for himself. Because everytime the conversation was about what he's been through after all of the crap he was over-emotional, and when we talked about my feelings he was suddenly calm and cold. So, he didn't give me any answer I asked for, but I guess I know enough. I did a good job talking to him, and being strong. I'm proud of myself, even though a series of events followed up for numerous people afterwards. I'm not sorry, because it's not my fault. (after all, I left!) And I have the support of the people I really care about. (they were with me in the conversation the whole time) I definitely came out stronger!
On the first day of Christmas I had breakfast with my parents and went to Olaf and his family. We unpacked our presents, wich was fun! Olaf and I made Michel and Joeri a doormat with their names on it the other night, since they're about to buy a house. They liked it :) I was completely touched by the presents Olaf's parents gave me. A green mug and lots of tea. They actually know what color I like! Olaf gave me a book of the great artist Gustav Klimt. He remembered that! Even though art doesn't ring any bell to him, he remembered Klimt. I loved that! After unpacking we went to see the new house of Joeri and Michel. I'm so jealouse! They're gonna live above a shopping centre, so they can watch all those people from their window and get fresh bread in the morning by just going downstairs! Lucky bastards ;) They left us to go to Joeri's parents and we went back to Olaf's to have dinner. I really had a great time over there!
On the second day of Christmas I ate my breakfast alone because my parents slept over at my aunt tht night. They got home around 13.00. Olaf came by at 14.00 and we unpacked the presents beneath our tree. I can finally start painting :) My parents gave me a suitcase full of art supplies. I was dying to know what Olaf thought about the present I got him. (a photoframe that acts like a puzzle, full of pictures of the both of us) Nothing to worry about, he liked it! He got me all the Nightmare on Elmstreet dvd's in a box, so I know what I'll be doing this week ;) Freddy = cool! My dad liked his Joe Cocker dvd, my mom liked her Dido CD so I guess we were all happy. We watched a movie and had dinner after the presents and I got ready to go to work. The club was open and I was a back-up just in case it would be crowded. And it was. My bar turned into a swimmingpool just seconds after opening because there was a leak at the sink. I'm glad the rest of the evening went alright. Olaf brought me home and kissed me goodnight.
Yes, Christmas is the best time of the year!
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[21 Dec 2004|03:46pm] |
Kerst is de leukste tijd van het jaar. Ik hou ervan om urenlang door de stad te slenteren op zoek naar cadeautjes voor iedereen. Ik hou van de geur van dennebomen, ik hou van al die lampjes. Ik hou gewoon van kerst!
Merry christmas everyone
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