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[05 Jul 2002|08:34am] |
Well I had a good 4th of july thanks to Kasey. I went to her house and hung out with her family. Everything was really cool except for one of her cousins (you know the one sweety). I had way to much to eat but I had a blast just hanging out with kase and all her family. We fed Guy and Abner and played around with them for a bit (their our pet guinea pigs) and then we watched a lot of tv and just acted lazy. I feel so comfortable with her family though, not like I used to. I used to feel so nervous around them and I was so afraid they wouldn’t like me. Well, I still feel that way a little at times, but for the most part, I feel really comfortable there. It’s like a second home. I like the fact that I can talk to her mom now or say hello to her sister and know that they actually do like me. Her brother and I get along really well and we have a lot in common so that makes it a little easier.
I am going to Our Lady Peace in a couple of weeks and I can’t wait! Ash is opening up for them so I am pretty excited to see them to. I can’t wait until tomorrow though. It is gonna be great.
I hope everyone likes the new layout of my journal. Kasey did it for me and I must say that I like it a lot. My old journal was getting pretty boring, so I really think it needed an update. I just wish I didn’t have to work today. Oh well, at least tomorrow is Saturday :)
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[27 Jun 2002|10:31pm] |
Your life has seemed so hard
It's been dried up angels
That can't keep guard
I'm trying to reach your hand
But I'm on fire I never planned to
Fade away, stay with me
Stop pretending when they say you're nothing
Are you sad
Are you holding yourself
You shouldn't be
Are you sad
Are you locked in your room
You shouldn't be
I'm drowning inside your head
Help me to answer help understand
But it's been so long since we talked
Like friends, please forgive me
I'm just a man whose made mistakes
I feel so empty..........
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[26 Jun 2002|07:50am] |
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I'm sick..........yet again..........grrrr.........
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[21 Jun 2002|08:16am] |
I am sad again and I honestly don’t know why. I am getting stressed out again because I finally just got rid of three ulcers in my mouth. I find myself breaking down at times, literally crying because I simply can’t handle myself at that time. It mostly has to do with work so I guess it is now the time to truly leave this job, to find something that I like to do. I feel tired everyday and tend to be on these weird mood swings at lately. I am really happy in my personal life and anyone that reads my journal can see why. I guess I am just getting frustrated with the fact that I can’t get my resume the way that I want and I am not sure what I want to do job wise right now. I do know my current job isn’t good for me, but it does pay the bills for now.
The one thing I have done really well is not letting my job effect the rest of my life. I have learned that over the years and I will never let that happen again. Most people that meet me at work or see me probably think I am a pretty happy person overall and I am. At work though, I definitely put on a front, just to get through the day. It sucks, but I am trying.
Kasey and I are adopting 2 guinea pigs tomorrow, so we are really excited. We are building a cage and we have the stuff ready so it should be a lot of fun. I only wish we had Quincy still, but these 2 babies are going to be great. Now, if we could only come up with the names.
I went and saw my parents yesterday. I haven’t been home since I moved out which has been about 2 months. I recognized the smell of the house the minute I walked in the door. Kasey is right, my house has this unique smell that is so comforting. I missed that smell a lot. My mom and dad gave me the biggest hugs and mom made me a grilled cheese. I miss my mom's grilled cheeses, seriously. I could tell they had missed me and I truly did miss them. It’s strange going home now though because it seems so different. My old room is my dad’s media room now and you could never tell that someone lived there before for over 15 years.
Oh yeah, got the new Our Lady Peace album. It is so good and I think it’s the best stuff they have done in a couple of albums. Kasey got tickets for us for the show coming up so I wanted to say thank you to her. You have no idea how much I appreciate that. I love you......:)
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[12 Jun 2002|06:58am] |
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I just got to work, I'm tired as hell, and I want this week to be over with.........at least it's wednesday.
I got some new cd's yesterday.........the new Korn album and the new Doves album. First off, the new Korn album is great. Yes I know a lot of you out there probably don't like them and I can understand and respect that, but there is no denying their talent. I definitely don't group them with Limp Bizkit or any of the other recent groups because they payed their dues and they are still original and innovative with each and every album. It is great though and is quite different from the Korn you have heard in the past........highly recommended.
The Doves new album is simply awesome. They again prove that they are the group that got lost in there somewhere when Coldplay and a few other british groups came out.........truly a great alubm that bests their first release which was an eye opener for me last year........definitely go pick this one up.
There is also this new group I like called The Hives.........I really like their sound, at least from the first song I heard, so I will have to try and get some of their stuff to.............I think I am back in my music mode now..............did it ever go away though? hehe.........
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[10 Jun 2002|10:44pm] |
I miss her..........
music: Doves: Sea Song
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[09 Jun 2002|02:49pm] |
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Well I am working on my resume, hoping I can find a new job soon....keep your fingers crossed. Kasey has gone to see here sister for the week and I miss her so much. I can't tell you how hard it is for me. We are always together on the weekends and Sunday doesn't feel right without her here. I think it shows how much I love and care for her because I can't go a single day without talking to her and I feel so weird not seeing her today. I don't feel altogether whole, if anyone understands what that means. We went and saw a play yesterday, which was great. I kept kissing her during the play, just looking at her...........god she makes me happy. So I sit here, wondering what she is doing at this minute because I am thinking about her and missing her terribly.........
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[05 Jun 2002|07:22am] |
I still feel my heart beat faster when I see her for the first time each weekend. I still get nervous, with butterflies in my stomach to. I have that longing feeling when we are apart. I simply can’t wait for the weekends to get here so that I can look at her and hold her. It’s new everyday, every week to me. We are so connected and we love each other more each day.
To say I am blessed to have her would be an understatement. When people say how great we are with each other or that they can tell we are so in love, I just smile........because being in love with her is the best feeling in the world.
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[31 May 2002|08:21am] |
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Congratulation's Kasey! I am so proud of you sweety! Now you can relax a little at least eh? hehe.....:)
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[27 May 2002|08:45am] |
I wish I was off from work today. I came in today after being off this past Friday and like 3 people asked me why I was here. They had me scheduled to be off! Dammit! Anyways, I had a great weekend. Kasey and I went to Six Flags Friday which was a lot of fun. We got stuck on the Titan roller coaster which scared the hell out of the both of us, but otherwise it was a great day. We then went out to a lake not to far from her house, where her uncle lives. It was a lot of fun to, just to be lazy, swimming and laying out with her. I have so much fun with her and just being near her is the best feeling in the world. We slept at her uncle’s house and I loved being able to snuggle up with her at night. There was this point, when she snuggled up with me during the night because she was cold (hell I was freezing to…hehe)...she didn’t have to say anything.....I woke up, realized she was there and held her tight.....I loved waking up with her. There was this point in the morning when I was looking at her sleeping………watching her breath so softly....I still get choked up when I see this because I am so happy with this woman......I just want to cry sometimes.....out of shear happiness for the fact that I have this unbelievable person in my life.....
She was talking about memories, and telling stories of when she was younger......I love it when she does that, I truly do. I want to know that stuff......Every time she would tell a story, her eyes would get this look and she would smile like she always does…..that smile that lights up a room and steals the show......she has a million different smiles, literally. I would just smile back, knowing that I love this girl with all my heart. I am sure everyone at the camp site was “gagging” over how sweet we were to each other.....kissing and hugging, making sure the other person had something to eat, had sunscreen on, saying I love you about every 2 minutes.....hehe. It’s amazing, we have been together for awhile now, and we are getting stronger as the days go by....more and more loving. I am going to marry this woman, I can promise that. There is no doubt in my heart, I am going to be with her for the rest of my life.....I love her......
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[16 May 2002|08:00am] |
Well, I graduated college last Saturday and I am so glad to be done. I made a 93 on my final and a B in the class! I was so happy. I can't believe I got an A on the final.....surprised the hell out of me....lol. Now all I need to do is get my resume up to date and wait on the diploma to arrive (might take a month! Damn UTA..........grrrr.) Walking across the stage, it finally hit me........I did it. I did something that a lot of people probably thought I would never do.......hell even I was about to give up on it..........so hopefully I can find a job I like and maybe make something of myself...........god I hope so.......I really do.
Kasey and I went and saw Les Miserables on Sunday........that play was awesome! I didn't think I would like it as much as I did...it was very impressive.........thanks for convincing me to go Kase.......it really was great :)
I got the new Weezer album and it is pretty good. It is definitely better than the Green album and has a little bit of a dark side to it. The new Get Up Kids album is really good.......has a similar feel as their previous efforts, but also has some songs that really pull at you........I have always liked them a lot and felt like they have never really received the credit they deserve.
Did I mention how lucky I am to have her? I truly am.......:)
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[08 May 2002|08:52am] |
Well I have my final exam tonight for my class. My last college test that I will take….unless I go back and get my masters or take come computer classes to get certified……..which is totally possible. I can’t believe I am almost done. It has been a really long and hard road for me……..might sound kind of over dramatic but it has truly been a difficult process to obtain my degree. I am glad I stuck with it though and hopefully I can find out what I want to do with my life soon…..or at least find a job that I can like again.
I am so nervous about this test though……..I am not a good test taker even if I study. I do feel confident about it though and I am trying to keep as positive as possible……….So if anyone out there wants to say a prayer for me or wish me luck, that would greatly be appreciated………lol………it will be ok though….I am not going to worry…..I will do fine……….or at least I keep telling myself that..:)
I just want today to be over with……..so I can relax a little and not be so stressed out………I am really looking forward to the weekend………:)
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[01 May 2002|11:50am] |
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Not having the internet at home sucks. The phone company screwed up my phone jack, so I am waiting for them to fix that. Then I still need to get a separate phone line put in my room.......arg..........then I still have to decide if I am going to do the dial up internet again or go with DSL or Cable Modem. I know DSL will take a few weeks to get installed, so I don't know what I am gonna do.........being without the net sucks.......I guess I am an addict to some degree.....:)
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[30 Apr 2002|08:05am] |
Well I finally moved this past weekend and now I need about 100 hours of sleep...lol. My stuff wasn't to hard to move, thanks to Kasey........she helped me more than she knows.......kept me calm when I was getting frustrated trying to organize my room.....thanks sweety. It feels so weird to have a new home when I was in one place for so long. It feels kind of scary at times..........I guess big changes, like moving, can have that type of effect on some people. I don't feel like I am leaving anything behind from my home town except maybe my Parents, which I will obviously go back and visit. It feels like a chapter of my life is closing or about to close. I am about to graduate college finally and another chapter of my life with open........It is truly scary at times.......to have all this in front of you and not know exactly how it will turn out or if it will work out in your favor........the only thing I am certain on is that kasey and I are gonna grow old together.......you hear that sweety? hehe
I sat in my new bed in my new room Sunday night right before bed, thinking about all these things going on in my life. A new home, a degree, hopefully a new job really soon, and the most important thing in my life.......Kasey. She really does keep me sane. Sometimes it gets to a point when I am stressed out and feel pretty hopeless, but she alway cheers me up and I think about how truly lucky I am to have her..........she knows when something is wrong or when I am down about something. It's amazing how well we can read each other..........that is one thing I have really noticed about us..........we know each other so well. I was talking to my mom about Kasey and she asked what we were going to do when she left for Switzerland in the fall. I told her what I already know........that I feel so strongly for her and I believe with all my heart and soul that we will make it. I just don't doubt us at all........for the first time in my life, I truly believe in someone and know that the love we have will carry us. It might sound weird to some people or overconfident maybe, but I love this woman and I will for the rest of my life.....simple as that. My parents got to really spend a lot more time with Kasey and my sister finally got to meet her. They all loved her and I knew they would. They were so impressed with her, especially my sister. I love that my family is getting to know kasey because I want them to know how serious I am with her. I want them to know how important she is to me and how much she as changed my life..........she truly has my heart.
I don't know how I am going to organize all my cd's yet, but I am trying to find a way. I have about 400 cds in these big plastic bins until I can find room for them....lol. I helped my sister set up all her audio/video equipment which is kind of fun for me...........of course she doesn't care about all of the speakers and such.......she just wants the tv working with the direct tv..........lol. The house really is nice and having my own bathroom and a nice room to myself is all I really wanted. My sister has been really cool to me.......letting me move in with her, cutting me a deal with rent, and just being there for me. I tend to look at myself as the screw up in the family, so I do look up to her quite often.........I really hope I can get my life, career wise, in order like she has...........everything else in my life couldn't be better...........kase is the reason for that and I really hope she knows that.........I am so tired..........and I need more sleep..........and I still have to do some organizing and stuff............but I guess I am almost settled in. My new bed is really cool and way better than the twin bed I had before.
One last thing, Kasey, thank you for helping me on Saturday, for being there for me, for truly wanting to be a part of my life. Having you there with my family, with me, meant so much. I feel so comfortable with you, so grateful, so loved to have you by my side.........forever. I love you sweety and please don't ever forget that.............
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[24 Apr 2002|06:08am] |
I feel like crap today.......just really tired. I seem to aggravate everyone and the proof of that is from last night. Why do I have to be this way sometimes?
Well I move out this weekend if everything goes right..........I just want to get it over with......I am ready to move no question, but it's just the hassle in moving.
My grandfather is hopefully getting out of the hospital this week sometime. He had an aneurysm(spelling?) in his stomach so it was pretty serious surgery. He is doing better but he won't be able to do much for at least 6 months.
I feel like I don't even matter sometimes..........and I don't know why. I guess I am just tired.............and wishing this week was over........I miss her so much......
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[19 Apr 2002|10:13am] |
Last Goodbye
Jeff Buckley
This our last goodbye I hate to feel the love between us die But it's over Just hear this and then I'll go you gave me more to live for, more than you'll ever know. This is our last embrace, must I dream and always see your face Why can't we overcome this wall Baby, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all Kiss me, please Kiss me But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation You know, it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye Did you say, "no can't happen to me", and did you rush to the phone to call? Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying, "maybe...you didn't know him at all" Well, the bells out in the church tower chime Burning clues into this heart of mine Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memory Of her sighs that, "it's over... it's over..."
MORNING THEFT
by Jeff Buckley; Sony/ATV Songs LLC / El Viejito Music (BMI)
Time takes care of the wound, so I can believe. You had so much to give, you thought I couldn't see. Gifts for boot heels to crush, promises deceived I had to send it away to bring us back again. Your eyes and body brighten silent waters, deep. Your precious daughter in the other room, asleep. A kiss "Goodnight" from every stranger that I meet. I had to send it away to bring us back again. Morning theft. Unpretender left ungraceful. True Self is what brought you here, to me. A place where we can accept this love. Friendship battered down by useless history, Unexamined failure. What am I still to you? Some thief who stole from you? Or, some fool drama queen whose chances were few? Love brings us to who we need, a place where we can save A heart that beats as both siphon and reservoir. You're a woman, I'm a calf. You're a window, I'm a knife. We come together making chance into starlight. Meet me tomorrow night, or any day you want. I have no right to wonder just how, or when. You know the meaning fits. There's no relief in this. I miss my beautiful friend. I have to send it away to bring her back again.
Damn I wish Jeff Buckley was still around. He never got enough credit in his short life...........
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[19 Apr 2002|10:08am] |
There's the moon asking to stay Long enough for the clouds to fly me away Well it's my time coming, I'm not afraid to die My fading voice sings of love, but she cries to the clicking of time Oh, time, Wait in the fire... And she weeps on my arm Walking to the bright lights in sorrow Oh drink a bit of wine we both might go tomorrow Oh my love... And the rain is falling and I believe my time has come It reminds me of the pain I might leave behind... Wait in the fire And I feel them drown my name So easy to know and forget with this kiss I'm not afraid to go but it goes so slow...
I'm thinking of this song in my head, it's her favorite by him. I think of her when I listen to this song just as she thinks of me........I really miss her.........
music:Humming Jeff Buckley: Grace
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[19 Apr 2002|06:12am] |
Well I graduate in a little less than a month and I still don't know what I am going to do career wise......way to be planned eh? lol
Well this week has been a lot tougher than normal for some reason and I haven't felt like myself. I have had a lot on my mind, so it has been hard. I am just glad it is Friday. Work is going descent one day and then total crap like the next 3 days, but I am pushing on an focusing on the fact that I will be gone form there soon........hopefully :)
Kasey is so positive with me and so patient. Hearing her tell me it's gonna be alright and that it can only get better, really helps a lot...............I need to hear stuff like that and she understands me like no one else. I miss her so much right now, like I always do, but I miss her a million times more right now.........I can't wait until tomorrow, so I can see her.........I love her so much
Well I am finally moving out next week hopefully. I have to go get a new bed, some furniture, and a bunch of other stuff. I am looking forward to being on my own a little more and hopefully we(yes kasey, that means you have to help!!! hehe) can get everything moved next saturday............
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[09 Apr 2002|01:21pm] |
Well, I had a great birthday, thanks to Kasey and now I am one year older??..scary thought. I still haven?t had a chance to go sky diving yet????.it has rained every weekend since and is supposed to rain this weekend. Maybe I will wait until May so we can get this rain out of the way! lol
I got really sick last week and had to miss a couple of days of work but I loaded up on medicine and I am feeling pretty good now. I thought I was getting mono again but thank god it wasn?t that. Sorry I haven?t updated much or commented in many people?s journals lately. My job is still pretty bad, but I am toughing it out. I graduate in May, so only a little bit longer and then I can hopefully find a better career path :)
I had a great weekend because of her. Sometimes it can be the simplest thing that makes me love her more. We were sleeping next to each other on the couch Saturday and she was so close to me. I could hear her breathing. She would sometimes shift her body in her sleep and grab on to me tighter, snuggling closer behind me????.that?s one reason right there????.little things like that, I tend to notice. I look at this girl as she sleeps and I realized how much in love with her I am, how much she has changed me, how much I care for her. I know I couldn?t live without her, she is so important to me. When she looks at me sad, I get sad????..I feel through her so much and to think of her not being happy, crushes me, literally. I never want her to want for anything, I just want her to be happy, content with me???I know she is and that makes me feel something I didn?t know was possible. My heart still skips a beat when she answers the door, I still get nervous when I come to see her, I still have to hug her every single time she opens that door??..I have to smell her, I have to feel her, I have to know she is real????.it may sound strange to some people, but if you have been in this situation, to truly be in love???..a love with no restraints, you would understand. I look back at my life about a year ago and how I was???.I am so different now and it?s because of her.
You see, I want to be with this person forever??.I can honestly say that. She is the one I want to grow old with, the one I want to spend the rest of my days with and the fact that she feels the same way???it means more than words can ever express. I love this beautiful, smart, sexy girl that for some reason truly loves me and sees so much in me. She thinks I?m perfect???perfect. I still get this little lump in my throat when she says that???to have someone think that about me, to truly believe that I am flawless, that is a powerful statement. I am not perfect, but to knows she thinks that, it means the world to me. She accepts my flaws???..she adores my weird quirks and sees my flaws as things she loves about me???..you see why I love this girl? She is perfect to me though. She loves me selflessly???.she doesn?t hold anything against me nor does she judge me. That is rare these days and I know that???..I know what we have is rare and I am not going to let that go???no way. She impresses me more and more each day, makes me laugh out loud every single day, and still makes me smile every time because of the way she grins back at me???..she has a million smiles, she has a million expressions and I love discovering them everyday I see her????.so it may seem mushy to some people and that?s okay. I love what I have with this person and I am not ashamed to admit that?????..kasey, I love you?.
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[25 Mar 2002|01:57pm] |
Well tomorrow is my birthday and I will be one year older.........wow. I just felt like my birthday just came and went! I feel old though and that scares me.........that is the one thing that scares me the most........growing old. I guess that is a common thing for most people to think about or at least acknowledge.........
My girlfriend is the greatest person.......honestly. She got me Sky Diving Lessons for this Saturday! Something I have mentioned to her a few times and she took the time to remember that and do this for me..........this is the best gift I have ever received.........seriously. What would I do without her? Seriously..........I have so many emotions for this girl and I can't imagine my life without her........ya know how you realize at some point in a relationship, if it is going well, that that person may be the one? Well I have known that for a long time, that she is the one, but yesterday we went to the Zoo and I was reminded why..........the way she would snuggle up behind me when we were looking at the exhibits, the way she would hold my hand tightly or put her arm around me. The way she would simply look at me and say I love you........then kiss me gently.........wow...........the way she is so confident in us........she believes in us .......she loves me .......... she trusts me and that is all that matters.........she knows me...........kasey really knows me. I hope I am your everything sweety and please don't ever forget I love you.
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