| Change In Plans |
[25 Jan 2004|12:18am] |
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It all changes tonight.
Farewell.
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| 01 - 24 - 04 |
[24 Jan 2004|09:37am] |
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mood |
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Britney Spears - Everytime |
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I've began to feel as if today I "celebrate" my third birthday. Seems rather twisted to use the word celebrate in that context. I would never celebrate this day.
Today marks three years that my Grandmother has been gone. Aside from the obvious pain of losing someone I loved, I still have never been able to pin point what caused me to short circuit like I did. Perhaps it was weakness on my part. Perhaps it was the "too much" place on an already full plate. But even those reasons don't satisfy me, they're too broad.
If it was a mere weakness on my part, I'd like to know where that weakness came from so that I can strengthen it. It clearly does me little, if any, good. It's not like having kindness as your major weakness where you can look at it and say that at least you've helped other people along. What has my utter inability to deal with loss, since that day, benefited me or anyone else?
Likewise, if it was just too much on an already full plate, what happened to the rest of it? I don't remember any of that. Okay, I do. But only one thing that was going on in my life could have possibly caused anything near to this kind of reaction in me. If my plate was full, I must have dropped it and everything on it when my mind blew. Because I never found any of that again either.
In the beginning, I dwelled on it. It filled every waking thought and every dream at night with pain. I don't do that anymore and I suppose that's an improvement. I'm beginning to believe that, if time truly does heal all wounds, this is truly a wound for all time to heal.
I was asked this past weekend by a very dear friend of mine what I'd do if I was given the chance to go back in time. Where would I go? What would I do? Who would I want to see? The obvious answer would be to go back roughly three years, to this place in order to see my Grandma again. That was not my answer. While it would be a true blessing to see her again, I don't see the sense in ripping open a gaping wound. And all I ever really missed out on with her was a chance to say goodbye. And although that would be a yesterday worth nearly every single tomorrow I'm destined, I don't know how much a simple "goodbye" would help me today...
...so, my choice was different. First I asked a question. I asked if the circumstances of my going back in time would include the ability to observe and possibly interact with myself. She said "yes" and that gave me my answer. I would go back roughly three years, to this place and see myself. Maybe if I could pick my brain and look into the eyes of who I used to be, I could find the pieces to put back together. I never did say goodbye to myself either. Who would ever think to do that?
I don't like excuses. I'd say I don't believe in them, but in this world that's next to impossible. I'll say that I don't believe in using them. Overusing them anyway. Sometimes life just calls for an excuse. I've never tried to use anything related to this as an excuse for something I did. And I like to think and I hope that I've done a decent job at that. Nothing would make me feel much worse than using this loss as a way to get away with something relatively unscathed. What happened is what happened and the way I reacted is the way I reacted. Ultimately anything I haven't dealt with can be chalked up as my own fault. But I don't fully buy into that either. I still ask why I would have chosen to react this way? I never wanted attention and I certainly didn't want the attention this reaction brought me. The fact that I try not to tie too much to this has never been enough to stop my rather human and sometimes near impossible to control mind from wandering into the deadly realm of "What if?"
I've stopped asking myself "What if she didn't go?" because it seems too selfish. I've since began to ask myself "What if you reacted differently? Where would your life have gone then?" Although I will never flat out blame those events for things that eventually took place in my life, I cannot ignore the fact that this day, three years ago certainly didn't make it any harder for me to be gotten the better of...
...I think that's too much for even me to tackle in a single entry though. And it gets too far off the topic that I set out to discuss. I had another entry typed out that I was going to post, but I didn't like it. It as too...stupid. I like this better. Just kind of wrote it as I went along. No planning went into this and I'm going to lj-cut the other entry in here because I took the time to write it. And I felt it at the time.
Grandma, I miss you and I love you.
And to all of you who have actually stayed by my side despite me being less than the person I could be today, I am forever in your debt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
( The other one. )
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[24 Jan 2004|01:00am] |
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mood |
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Max Payne/Cosmo Canyon |
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There are three posts left in this journal. Not including this one. I'm not going to use up one of my last three posts while drinking =)
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| The Little Things |
[23 Jan 2004|01:27pm] |
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Britney Spears - Everytime |
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A voicemail I got this morning.
"...if you wanted to give me a call later tonight that'd be awesome. It's never too late."
( Seraphim. )
That's fair.
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| Dear God, Forgive Me |
[23 Jan 2004|12:38am] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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Britney Spears - Everytime |
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( Yeah. )
It is neither you nor I, but a combination of the two, that immobilizes my life.
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[22 Jan 2004|01:20pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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3 Doors Down - Here Without You |
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Why now, after being content for so long, does everything feel empty again?
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| The Switch |
[21 Jan 2004|02:11am] |
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As of next Tuesday I am adopting a new Livejournal identity as well as a new AIM screen name. If you'd like either or both, get in touch with me. Neither will actually be posted in this journal.
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[20 Jan 2004|11:35am] |
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None |
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I had a rather fantastic weekend. That's all I want to say about it. I'd say more but I don't want to spoil it.
I will say this though: I was disappointed to see it end. Quite so. I haven't had a distraction quite like her in a long time. I'd say years. I didn't notice it so much while she was here, but now that she's gone everything just seems so bland. I'm back to dealing with the same people's bullshit over the same old bullshit. I don't know why I put up with it or with you. Every time I get asked that question, it's harder and harder to answer. It's even more tiresome and annoying now than it was before. Meh, no big deal, just need to fall back into my rut.
In other news, over the next few weeks, maybe even months, I'll be wasting more time than ever on video games. Simply because all of them I've been waiting for feel like being released from now until March. I'm not complaining about that though. I'm complaining about being poor. Broke even. Go me.
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[14 Jan 2004|12:21pm] |
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G Unit - Gangsta Shit |
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One of the things I'm learning to do more and more so as time ticks by is to take into account how the future may blur today once tomorrow arrives. I've never done that in the past. I've never looked at today from tomorrow's perspective. Not in a serious manner, anyway. I've always thought about what the actions I take today may get me in the long run, but I've never taken into account how future actions, events, happenings and the like might make today look once I'm looking back on it from tomorrow. Tomorrow is almost like an eagle eye view of today, once you get there. Today I find myself in the midst of all the chaos, but as soon as I climb today's mountain I can look down on it from tomorrow and see what it was all really about. I know that's not immaculately true because today doesn't always make complete sense tomorrow, but my point is that the key to most situations, especially personal ones, is to find a way to remove myself from them. Many times a step back is the only way to find the next step forward.
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[13 Jan 2004|12:40pm] |
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mood |
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3 Doors Down - Here Without You |
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You confuse me. I welcome the confusion you cause in my mind because oddly it twists itself into hope. Foolishly, probably.
I don't think I'll ever get over just how amazing it would be for that to change. I wonder if that's even possible. I'd ask, but, ya know...
Meh. All's well.
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| The Anth Says: |
[11 Jan 2004|05:11pm] |
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None |
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"Assexual...yeah, that's what I'm looking for."
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[11 Jan 2004|01:48am] |
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Now I'm not one I'd consider to be unaccustomed to mixed signals from the fairer sex, but lately it's becoming too much to deal with. That's not true, because I have every intention of dealing with it, but it's become more tiresome of late than it normally is. I can handle Amber's bullshit, that's easy. No offense, Amber. But I've become so damn used to it that it's almost lonely without it. If too much time goes by where I don't think of you and say to myself "what the fuck?!?" I begin to worry.
Lately, however, it seems to have gone beyond dealing with just Amber's antics. Maybe I'm just fooling myself, I don't know. All I know is that I can't do a thing about it. And I really can't. This isn't a "won't" or "shouldn't", it's a "can't". Tried and true. It's out of my hands. I do believe that that is what gets to me the most. I don't like things of this nature being out of my hands.
If things could be decided by me, I know exactly what I'd be doing. No second thoughts, no looks back. One, two, three. A, B, C. I'd connect the dots and I'd be on my way. But for some reasons, the Powers That Be decided not to put me in charge of that sort of thing, in that sort of way (good move, by the way).
Man, I'm glad this came with an "Off" switch this time...
...I mean seriously, how many times can one guy fall for a girl he can't have?
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[10 Jan 2004|07:01pm] |
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3 Doors Down - Here Without You |
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( Yeah. )
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| Couting Day Statistics #1 |
[10 Jan 2004|11:03am] |
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Stand By Me |
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Background Information: Saturday is Counting Day. Sounds potentially important. It's not. Not to anyone but me anyhow. I do not spend single dollar bills. Ever. I save them like most people would save quarters. The way I see it, it's four times faster than doing that =) I also don't spend a single coin unless it's a must. Occassionally I do this with fives as well, but that's rather difficult so it's only ever so often. Once I have twenty-five singles they go into a bundle and are put away. Coins I obviously roll as I have enough, they aren't really a part of the weekly Counting Day. Fives and any other bill I decide to save are also bundled in twenty-fives. I've done fives once before and am currently working on a second bundle. To date I have 250 single dollar bills and a single bundle of twenty-five fives, totalling 125 dollars. I also have something around 188 dollars in rolled change. That should suffice for background information.
Starting today, there will be a weekly update on Counting Day simply because I'm usually bored.
Today's Results: One new bundle of singles bringing the total up to 275. There are currently sixteen singles on standby for next week's Counting Day and the fives total is up to eleven.
Thank you. Enjoy your day.
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| 'Tis Nice, I Tell You |
[10 Jan 2004|03:52am] |
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I am honestly enjoying being able to place something I would truly love to have on the backburners. I have never been able to do that before. Usually when I want something this badly, it plagues me. It haunts me. It becomes my everything in my every waking moment. That is how this started, true, but now I have moved beyond that. I might even venture far enough to say it has caused me to grow in some way.
Even though I wait day and night for her to possibly change her mind, it is always in the very back of mine. It's passive. It never keeps me awake at night or frustrated during the day. It is actually quite pleasant. I like it. If it stays this way, I could be content with it. Maybe even happy someday and truly accepting.
And who knows, maybe in some strange twist of fate, my waiting might pay off. I won't hold my breath though...I'd be dead by morning =)
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| Amber, Amber, Amber...You Disappoint Me |
[09 Jan 2004|12:21pm] |
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I'm fucking insulted. But that doesn't even cover what your most recent post made me feel. If you're telling the truth then I guess I finally see where you really stand and where my fucking choices should land. Seriously, if there was sense in it and I couldn't control my temper I would be flying off the handle with this one.
"it was great to catch up with her and have nothing bad to tell her."
Excuse me? Rewind that.
I could go back and talk to anyone at that school and have plenty of bad things to tell them. Especially about YOU. Yeah, this one makes me sick. It also opens my eyes quite a bit by showing me that yours are apparently still clenched shut.
As much as I would truly love for you to be the one, you could never fill the shoes that I'd need the girl by my side to wear. Saddest thing is, there was a time when I would have said that about anyone else but you. Things change, nothing stays the same...unfortunately you always have.
I'm not off the wall on this one as much as you're probably sitting there thinking I am. No regrets in the past two years for you is a hell of a thing to claim. But if it's the truth then I guess we finally know who the fool is.
I think it's time I was someone else's fool.
TBC?
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| Uh-Oh... |
[09 Jan 2004|01:11am] |
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What's Eating Gilbert Grape |
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...hahaha.
That would surely be one for the history books.
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| Leave Your Tips Here! |
[08 Jan 2004|01:41pm] |
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mood |
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None, but this damn computer fan seems to be getting louder |
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About anything and everything!
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| Busy Morning |
[07 Jan 2004|01:44pm] |
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Traded in True Crime. Got $24 in credit, thought that was pretty slick.
Then pre-ordered three games. Bringing the money to game slip ratio in my wallet (in value of dollars) up to $0 to $39.
Bought and built a 1999 Nissan Skyline R34 GT-R V-Spec. Which, unfortunately, is not blue. But yellow will do.
Oh yeah...
Met someone who just might be the perfect girl.
Might have fallen in love with said girl.
No, not really.
Now it is time for lunch before work.
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| YAY!!! |
[06 Jan 2004|12:19am] |
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IGN is back up and running =)
It's the little things...
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