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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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POTUSA- Peaches (haha, USA...) |
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I wish I could write songs. There's so much talent required in writing even a little ditty, I never realized it. First you have to invent a poem for lyrics (I like songs that consists of more than "baby, baby")... then you have to formulate the melody and harmony and chords and whatnot. I usually come up with a few good words when I'm driving down the road in the dark, alone. Sometimes a melody can follow. I always tell myself that I'll write them down as soon as I can, but I never do. I can always remember the melody (or most of it)... but I forget 90% of the words I thought up (which is usually enough for... 1 verse or less).
Oh. I also need to learn guitar. I wish talent would just ooze out of me. How about that for a trade-off, God? Instead of getting my period, once a month talent would just oooooze out of me. Slough, even. That way, I'll get more talented every month without any effort. But we all know that would never happen. I'd have to practice. We all know how modivated I am to practice. *gag* We all know how motivated I am to do work that is assigned. It's odd that I like to do creative projects on my own, but once something is assigned... I dread it. Hmm. It's a mental problem. What isn't?
I've felt really... left behind lately. Like if I'm there, I'm there. But nobody here really notices my presence. I'm not included. I'm not saying that I don't have friends-- I have met tons of great people and I have fun when I'm with them. I know what I'm trying to say, but it's just not coming out. I get a lot of "Oh, we completely forgot about you!" That's how I feel- forgotten. I suppose it's for the best-- that'll put a dent in my ego.
Speaking of dents, I've made a lot of progress since Wednesday in my workload. My studio notebook is almost done. I just need to finish my lesson journals (2 left), do my recording critiques (*gag* 5 of them, I smell a lot of BS there), and finish my program notes for a song. I don't know what has made me so motivated-- possibly finals coming up in a week, it's almost the end of the semester so I just need to give that one last push.
Why are all pop songs about love? About fake, physical, immature, lustful love? Everything is about sex nowadays. Something that is still rather taboo is such a force to be reckoned with.
*scream* All work and no play makes Jess go CRAZY!
I've been really moody lately. Part of that is due to me trying to figure out a way to end my stoopid arrangement of a song. A lot of it is due to me being stressed out about my studio notebook. It's due Tuesday, but I want to try to get it done this weekend so I can have it be done with and stop worrying about it. Yep yep.
I used up 14 meals in 4 days. I think I deserve a round of applause for that. The temperature in my room is crazy.
I wish I could be a lead singer in a band. Or a singer. [secret wish]
I can't wait until this semester is over.
I hate being ditched. I just want to say that. I hate when people say they're there for you, but at the drop of a hat something else [or someone else...] is more important than your friendship. (Usually in retrospect, they also wonder what's wrong. Hello.) I get put on the back-burner a lot, and I just accept it. I understand that I can't be front and foremost in everyone's life, or anyone's life for that matter. But sometimes I selfishly [?] expect to be relatively important, only to realize that I... don't matter to them.
High school relationships piss me off the more and more I think about them. There's something about being too attached that I've noticed with now having a long-distance relationship. [College relationships can be like this, too. Unfortunately.] "Ohno, I won't get to see Billy this weekend! But we see each other every day at school!! We talk to each other every night for 2 hours on the phone, but I can't see him Friday night! I'm going to cry myself to sleep now!" Get a fucking grip. "Ono! I didn't get to talk to Fred today! I feel horrible, I need Fred to make everything ok!" How about you gag on the chocolates he's going to give you for Valentine's day?? Despite how immature I am, so much of this seems so juvenile. And, I'm sorry, but I don't buy anything in telling someone that you love them after a few weeks. Saying "I love you" and really meaning it takes time. Time meaning more than 2 weeks. You shouldn't tell someone you care that deeply about them if you don't truly mean it. [I know I've been raised or have formulated my own opinions on this. Hey, this is what I believe.] I'm sick of fake, mostly physical, teeny-bopper "love". Love isn't having to ask if it's ok to hang out with your friends. Love isn't calling someone every day or hanging out with someone every weekend.
Part of this is me being a hopeless romantic and believing that there is really only one true love out there for everyone, and that love is something serious that isn't to be casually thrown around. [I'm not talking about loving your friends, but loving another individual intimately, mentally, emotionally, spiritually... every-which-way possible.] I hate fake people. I hate fake relationships. Fake people can only have fake relationships. I hate people who say they're there for you, and then aren't. Milli Vanilli pisses me off, too. So does Brittany Spears. And people that pierce their bellybuttons or tan because "it'll make me look sooooo hott!" Having to please other people pisses me off, not being able to please myself pisses me off. Not being as creative and talented as I wish I was pisses me off.
Gas pisses me off, too. Farting is funny, but it pisses me off.
On a happier note: I always remember how to spell "analyze" because it has "anal" in it. And "I'm going to analize my pencil" has a very different meaning than if you were to analyze it.
And they say "anal-dwelling butt monkey" in Bruce Almighty.
And no, I do not have an anal obsession [as Mark suggested].
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busy
lonely
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tired
happy