mooseknuckle blues

even god knows these muthafucker's suck

I feel like venting a bit so I’m gonna bring back something from the past and list a few things that can and deserve to suck my gnarly uncircumcised dick. And if I miss you or something you think should have been on the list, please speak up.

1. The honorable senator from the great state of Missouri that wants to enact a “sin tax” can come lip dance on ole Lance Wyoming. Who the fuck do you think you are pulling shit that say’s if I choose as a tax fuckin paying adult to visit a strip club or see my porn the old fashioned way by buying it in a store, you’re gonna charge me a upfront five dollar sin tax? You pious Nazi jackboot wearing homophobic mama's boy fuck.

2. And standing in line with your pious ass waiting their collective turn to witness the power of the Molten Mushroom should be all these so called censorship police. Instead of using god’s name as an excuse, you silly fucks need to take a ride with King Spititup. Here, let me spell shit out in plain English, so follow the bouncing finger. IF YOU MUTHAFUCKER’S DON’T LIKE WHAT’S ON THE FUCKING RADIO OR TV, TAKE THE FINGER OUT OF YOUR STINKIN ASS AND USE IT TO TURN TO SOMETHING ELSE! I’m sure Paul Harvey or National Public Radio or the stinkin 700 Club would like to have you. And my apologies to Paul Harvey for sending you pigwits to him.

3. All the broadcasting companies in America including the fuckholes over at the FCC need to come watch Everybody Loves the Nubbin. You all freak out when some middle aged black chick flashes her saggy tit on national TV like it’s gonna bring on the fuckin Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and shit. But you broadcast with glee shows depicting muthafucker’s getting their heads blown off or women getting the fuck slapped out of em. Where’s the sense in that shit? Don’t show anything closely related to the uncovered human body, or imply that people have sexual urges, but show all the killin you can squeeze into primetime. Even with my advanced vocabulary I can’t begin to describe how much you people suck. With all the suckin you muthafucker’s do I’m surprised your fuckin knees haven’t developed flat spots.

4. And on a personal note, I’d like to invite the American Public School System to sit on the bridge with Admiral James T. Cock and the crew of the USS Mooseknuckle. Instead of producing a nation of scholars and scientist and upright citizens, you’re producing sheep. That’s right, stinkin follow the herd, let’s not upset the status quo, mindless pussiefied sheep. Instead of a nation of freethinking young adults, the public schools are putting out zilch. These fucking kids are stepped on, berated, kicked in line. All in the name of safety or lack of funding, which is another bitch all by it’s self.

And this just doesn’t apply to the stinkin kids. But I can’t imagine being a teacher getting up every day knowing that to do what they love means fighting the system to make it work. It’s like a cop or firefighter going to the job and hearing that they have to work without a gun or water. Call me wrong, call me talking out’a the back of my ass, but that’s what the fuck I think. I think teacher’s in the public school system are underpaid, underused, and under-appreciated. It’s like I’ve said many a time before, sometimes the only deciding factor between little Suzie pulling blowjobs in the alley or getting into collage is a good teacher.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

image:www.filmfodder.com
If it came right down to it, I’d take a bullet for Michelle without any hesitation. I love her that much. But after being made to watch Napoleon Dynamite with her the other night I’m afraid I’d have to let her bleed out all over my carpet. I didn’t really care for it one bit. It was one of those movies where I sit there and smile politely just because the other person is so into it.

I understood and recognized all the characters but whatever humor there was in the movie escaped me. Well, maybe escaped me is the wrong term, it had to be there to escape me didn’t it? Michelle on the other hand loved the muthafucker and this is the same woman that gives me grief for liking Phenomenon starring John Travolta which is a great movie. Moving on.


the pink shirt really was gay
And in more news on the pussiefication of America, some kid is suing his high school and another student for over fifty thousand dollars. According to my many inside sources the pussie kid in question who’s in high school decided to wear a pink collared short sleeved shirt to school one day. As he’s walking down the hall this other kid passed him and after taking note of his pink shirt called him a punkassed fag and dissed on his pink shirt. After hearing this the kid in the pink shirt called the other kid out and they met after school where pink shirt got his ass handed to em. Now with all that being said here’s my personal view on shit.

What is the world coming too when you lose a fight and your plan of action is to sue? Even though he was called some names and shit, which I admit wasn’t cool; the pink shirt wearing pussie did challenge the other kid to a fight after school, which I think would negate the lawsuit. Back in the day if I got caught wearin a pink shirt to school, I fully understood that trouble might ensue and I might have to fight my way home and maybe get my assed kicked over my fashion tastes. I mean like goddamn, you’re a male and wearin a pink short sleeved shirt to high school? You better have the cool to pull it off or the balls to say, “fuck you” to all the naysayers and be able to back your shit up. I’m just sayin and all.


dumber then a bag full of pee
And in news of the dumb stupid and ignorant, up around New York the police finally nabbed the infamous “stupid bandit”. Cops were able to connect up to thirteen bank robberies to this dumb bastard due to his habit of misspelling the same words on his holdup notes. According to my many inside sources he habitually spelled robbery as “robri” and quick as “kwick” and car as “ker” amongst other shit. What a joke, I heard he couldn’t even spell “homoerotically” correct; he kept putting e’s in the muthafucker where they didn’t belong.

Hanging blue jesus, what a dumbass, don’t you hate when that happens? The local cops caught up with him due to the efforts of a sharp-eyed customer who noticed this strange cat standing in front a teller. The cat stood out due to his slack jaws and loud mouth breathing, which is the universal sign of a dumbass.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

new links

if Satan was a cat this would be that muthafucker
For those of you that like cats, I’ve put a link to some of my favorite cat stories in the sidebar section. Check em out if you like. It’s called “Death’s Door presents Cat stories”.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

blast from the past, snowcone eatin retard blues

I know I know, I'm going to hell
I get off work on Thursday and head to the bus stop. Standing at the stop is this cat that by every indication is mentally handicapped in some sort of manner. He walks up to me and after getting closer then I normally like a muthafucker to get he asks me in this nasal monotone what time will the bus show up. I tell the cat it should be in a few minutes and that’s when he informs me that it was seven and a half minutes late. And here’s how the rest of the conversation went.

Me, “buses run late sometime”.
Him, “why”?
Me, “maybe the traffic held it up”.
Him, “why”?
Me, “its rush hour and all that”.
Him, “why”?
Me, “things happen like that”.
Him, “why”?
Him, “tie my knot”.
Me, “what”?
Him, “tie my knot”
Me, “what”?
Him, “tie my knot”.
Me, “what knot”?
Him, “on my coat”.
Me, “why”?
Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “tie my knot”.
Me, “ok”.
Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “tie my knot tight”.
Me, “I’m trying”.
Him, “can’t you tie a knot”?
Me, “its kind of hard from this side”.
Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “tie my knot”

As I tied his fucking knot the shitting bus pulled up and as I look up from the knot to the bus I see everybody on the bus staring at me, cause there I am bent over in front of this cat fumbling with the drawstring on his coat, which is near his fuckin crotch.

Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “is that my bus”?
Me, “yeah”.
Him, “thank you”.

I can’t make this kind of shit up.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

blast from the past-ball knocker

the fuck you say? you mean I'm supposed to hate water?
I was sittin on the couch last night flippin channels when I hit upon a special about cats. With me being a lover of the furry little bastards, I decided to settle in and watch. Do you know that at four months old cats are fully developed and all that they lack is age and experience? Who knew? It was a very cool show to watch and I learned a lot about cats I didn’t know before. They’re still psychotic little bitches but now I know more about em. I just think it’s amazing how much of ourselves we put into our relationships with cat’s and dogs. I’ve caught myself many a time walkin past a dog or cat on the street and sayin hi. It just seems the thing to do. Dare I say, even normal? And don’t even get me started on the times I’ve held conversations with my cat. Some time ago I read about a eighty-year-old lady getting busted for growing weed in her livin room. When the judge asked her why, she said her cat liked the smell. I totally dug that, it made all kinds of sense to me.

I know I did crazy shit for my cat when he was around. One summer when I had the bigass house on the Westside it got hotter then a muthafucker one day. I was draggin ass and so was the cat. It pained me to see him so hot and all so I devised a plan to cool him down. In the bathroom I had this real cool shower with these glass doors that enclosed it from the rest of the bathroom. So what I did was start the shower runnin with the cold water on, then grabbed up the cat, shut the shower doors and threw him in over the top. The little four fingered bitch, when he got wet he hit the shower doors so hard they cracked. When I let him out I had fifteen pounds of wet, pissed off bastard kitty racing through the house like his cock & balls were on fire. But between you the wall, and me, I think he dug it. Then there was the day a friend of mine gave me some catnip, or I think it was. Around this time I had a roommate with a dog, the cat never really got used to the dog and was always lookin for a reason to nark him out. No love lost, if you know what I mean.

The chick that gave me the catnip told me it was home grown and that it’ll chill my cat out a bit. I put some inside this special cat ball and tossed it to my cat. He freaked me out. He started purring and humming and shit, and we just sat there in amazement watchin him. Out of a back room comes the dog to see what’s happening. He starts sniffing the cat and the cat’s just rollin around on the floor purrin. Next thing we see is the dog lickin the cats face and balls, and the cats poppin a stiffie. It was the funniest shit I’d ever seen, I thought for a moment the cat was gonna start blowin the damn dog on the spot. After a short while the cat got up and started down the stairs. He ended up fallin /stumbling down two flights. That was the end of that bullshit, but he never went after the dog again. Go figure. I remember when I had to get the fucker fixed. I took him down to the Vet and left him overnight.

Man, did that change shit. When I picked him up he was still out of it, so I fixed him a nice place in the easy chair where he could rest and I could watch him. After a time he woke up, yawned, and started cleaning himself. I swear he washed himself then got this really fucked up look on his face. He looked up at the clock and did the whole thing over again, then rechecked the clock. He gave me a long hard look then turned his back and started checking himself out. When he finally turned back around he was pissed. He just set there staring at me, and wherever I went in the house there he was staring at me. This went on all day into the night. It started freakin me the fuck out. I used to let him sleep with me, but that night I started sleepin with the bedroom doors shut.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

and the winner is

I’ve been doing this ongoing experiment with pot roast for the past few weeks. As I’ve stated before I fuckin love the pot roast and now that I’ve learned how to make it I’ve been trying out various cuts. Last night I found a winner, the butt roast or as Michelle called it, a big piece of cooked ass. That shit was fuckin fork tender I tell you. This weekend I need to switch up and try my hand at cooking a turkey or a whole chicken in a bag. It’s like a whole new culinary worlds been opened up to me. Emeril can come lick my pot roast cooking ass.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

another blast from the past

I always keep some around the house
So there was this one night when I decided to see how the other half of the gene pool lived. I threw on my best black and hit one of the more upscale drinking establishments our fair city has to offer. Wait a minute maybe upscale is the wrong term, I just know that it was some place other then the Cane. Anyway what a pretty joint, there was the nice muted lighting and the soft jazz in the background. Hell, they even had real glassware to drink out of. So I’m sittin there admiring the view and all that when I notice this women giving me the once over. She’s not bad lookin, black business suit and five by five. I’m feeling overly motivated, so I throw out one of my tried and true lines. “Cocktail?”

She accepts and I slide over and we start talking. Now unbeknownst to most of you, I can be smoother then baby oil on a stripper’s ass when I want to be. I’m like cheap four bit cologne to some women. They dig the smell but wouldn’t get caught dead rubbing their fingers in it. She was in town on business and was lookin to kill time so she asked me about the local music and I suggested a few spots to try out. You know, small talk, nothing heavy. All of a sudden this key clinked off the side of my glass, I picked it up and noticed it was a hotel key. I hollered at the bartender that someone must’a dropped their room key when the women hissed at me to shut up. It turned out to be the key to her hotel room. “Meet me there in a half hour”, she whispered in my ear as she slid off her bar stool. I suddenly got this severe twitching pain on the side of my face.

I realized it was from me grinning like a snowcone eatin retard idiot. This was like one of those bad movies that you watch at three in the morning when nothing else is on. The hero’s hanging in the bar doing a shot of Old One eye when the buxom babe slides up and grabs his gun and says; “are you always packed like that or are you lookin to pick up a little trouble”? And as he feigns exhaustion from running his eyes up and down her frame he says, “trouble, so that’s how you spell it these days”. And she slips him her room key and tells him to give her fifteen minuets. Well, that’s how it happened with me. I went over to her hotel and let myself into her room. I must’a spent twenty minutes arranging myself on the couch. I had just found my best pose when the door burst open and she staggered into the room. “Oh, there you are”, she said. Then her eyes glazed over and she hit the floor like a sack of charcoal.

I must’a had the most fucked up look on my face. My chance for that Penthouse moment, my perverse moment in sexual history! And its lying passed out on the floor drooling spit into the carpet. I was flabbergasted, I was dumbfounded, and I was pissed. I picked her up and took her into the bedroom, laid her on the bed so her dumbass wouldn’t fuckin choke to death. Then I took off her shoes and threw a sheet over her. I let myself out and as I drove home I contemplated on my situation and my lot in life and watched all the couples in love strolling the streets. I let myself into my apartment and gave out a heartfelt sigh. “Greg, you’re a hell of a guy”. Then I proceeded to slam every goddamn door I could find through their muthafuckin hinges.

"and the monkey flipped the switch

"

cocksocket blues

cocksocket
You know when you’re just feet from the elevator and the doors start to close and the cocksuckers on the inside see you reaching for the door and never make a fuckin effort to hold the goddamn door for you, and they’re staring at you with “that” stupid smirk on their shiny faces. Or when you’re in the muthafucker and your floor comes up and you utter the words “excuse me” and these gutless pieces of assmeat just stand there in your way like a herd of mindless cows acting like they can’t hear you, and when you do raise your voice they act so offended. Or when you’re standing in the checkout line of the sonofabitchin grocery store behind some bitch and you’re freakin because you hate lines and this wrinkled old cocksocket is fuckin around with a magazine instead of writing her muthafuckin check out. And she’s prolonging your agony in line and all you want do is go home and eat your fuckin shit in peace and get away from the world, and she calls security cause she can hear you breathing hard behind her and you’re sweating like a bitch cause of the anger you’re trying to hold in and the last thing you need is some minimum wage pretend cop giving you face.

Or you’re talking to a “friend” about a problem and you’re tryin to get you’re point across and it all seems so simple to you but this person isn’t getting it. And you really need for them to “get it”, but they don’t and it’s all you can do not to reach out and grab em around the throat and shake em until they do. And as a result of all this you sit in your dark living room angry and frustrated, moaning and wanting to scream out the world but you’re afraid too cause it’ll scare the neighbors and they might freak and call the cops who’ll find out your secret and then your day will really be fucked. So instead of doing all that you go down to the bar hoping to hear some loud crunchy rock cause that might ease your mind. But your friends at the bar accuse you of playing too rough and being a freak so you feel bad and as a result you have a couple of drinks too many and end up running from the cops even though you like cops and consider yourself one of the “good guy’s”. But it’s no use cause even though you lose the cops and make it home, you’re afraid to leave the house for the next few days cause you know they gotta be lookin for you, and what a fuckin fucked up way to start the workweek.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"