| [ |
mood |
| |
 mellow |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Luscious Jackson: Electric Honey (Devotion) |
] |
Lush - 9/28/2001
Forget yourself in me
Here I linger
Studying & Sophie - 10/12/2001
You were sitting at the table, spoon hanging from your mouth, hands
busily flying through the pages of the text book in front of you, an
open jar of chunky honey roasted peanut butter to your side.
***
Sophie
bring your body home to me
bring your leotards and applesauce
bring your messy room and dirty socks
Sophie
bring yourself on home to me
Sophie
take your mess away from me
take your baggage and disorder
take your sulking in the corner
Sophie
take yourself away from me
Sophie
could you describe what you see
describe colors and ambiance
describe people and the steps they dance
Sophie
could you tell me what you see
Sophie
don't you give me all your lies
don't give me excuse after bad excuse
don't give me stretched and half-thruths
Sophie
don't you dare lie to me
Sophie
i have given all i can
i have given love and trust and faith
i have given house and home away
Sophie
i have no more to give
Another Entry? INCONCEIVABLE! - 10/12/2001
i've had other diaries here in opendiary. for some reason, i'm scared of
repeating everything that i've done in my old diaries. i mean, i'm supposed
to be a whole new person now right? RIGHT?! repetition reminds me of
lucinda williams on NPR folk night. that's not saying that i don't like
lucinda williams. i DO like lucinda williams. but i can only hear "lonely
girls" SO many times without wanting to pull over and tear my radio out of
my car to leave it in the ditch for the raccoons. i don't want to be that
diarist. i don't want to be the diarist who writes exceedingly obscure
poetry on a regular basis. i did that once ( or twice. okay, four times.)
with other diaries. in fact, the name astroknot is from one of my favorite
old poems and purple ponies made many an appearance in my poetry. i didn't
write it so much because i like obscure poetry. i do, but that's not why i
wrote it. i'm always scared of two things happening. 1)someone i know will
stumble across my online diary and recognize what i'm writing about and
confront me about it or 2)people i don't know will think that they know all
about me just because they understand my poetry. i also don't want to be
the diarist who writes daily "nothing exciting happened today. had chicken
nuggets for lunch again. forgot to take my medication," entries.
BOOM BOOM BOOM. there is loud music playing outside. i think i shall go
check it out in a minute.
as for entries, they shall be sporadic for awhile. except for maybe today.
ciao.
Ever been to Yemen? - 10/13/2001
I haven't. My White Wave Silk(TM)* Mocha is giving me a lesson on Yemen.
Apparantly, the flavor Mocha comes from...you guessed it...Yemen. Mocha is
even named for a Yemeni port townin the 1500s. And it was the first coffee
exported to Europe from that port town. The rest of our mocha comes from
mocha trees planted in the booming and super rich societies of Ethiopia and
Haiti. Mocha evolves though. The Yemeni offshoots of Mocha are no longer
considered true Mocha because their flavors changed. But nowadays, that
doesn't matter much, since the term "Mocha" has be generalized and now also
means a coffee/hot chocolate blend. If you got this far, you now know
everything I know about the original Mocha flavor.
If that topic ever comes up in conversations, I am so set. I have a feeling
that here is the only place I'll actually get to talk about it though.
---
I spent the night at a friend's apartment last night. I didn't really ask.
It just got too late to drive and I fell asleep. It was great spending
time with her, even though she was grumpy at first when i was hanging out
with her because her boyfriend left her a disturbing message and she was
grumpy at the very end of the night because her boyfriend was taking so long
to show up (visiting from four hours away) and she thought something had
happened to him.
There's more to that whole story...including a few reasons I think I dislike
this boyfriend I've said maybe two words to (more than he's said to me cuz I
was trying to leave them alone when he arrived)...but all that is
incriminating and I don't quite want to admit it to myself yet, let alone
see it in writing.
My ice cream is melting.
---
I have an old friend whom I rarely get to talk with anymore who is dating an
old crush of mine that turned into a friend whom I also rarely get to talk
with anymore. She's concerned because he's taking so long to realize that
she's who he wants to spend the rest of his life with FOR SURE. I think
he's just kidding himself. I could tell from the getgo that they were meant
to be together, which is why I got so pissed off (because not only was my
crush falling for another, but I actually LIKED her...which made it hard to
hate her). I think they just both need to chill and she needs to realize
that boys are slow 9 times out of 10 and he needs to realize that he's being
an ass and if he ever does lose her it'll be the most devestating thing to
happen to him in his adult life because he'll grow up a lonely and bitter
old canadian. the end of love rant.
---
I'm trying to avoid talking about everything important that happened last
night. Because I know if I write about it, it will turn into obscure
poetry. And I need at least two entries in a row without obscure poetry.
---
I think I'll move to Yemen.
*For some reason, this particular computer will not let me use the actual
trademark symbol. It will, however, let me use every other symbol under the
sun. It just puts a vertical line when I try to Alt in the trademark symbol
though. Hmmmm...
a long long time ago...i can still remember - 12/1/2001
I can still remember when I used to have time to write in my diary
frequently. Time keeps slipping away. I'm not sure where it's going. I
think it has a mistress hidden in the linen closet.
***
Things haven't turned out entirely like I'd hoped they would. I suppose I
should've known better. Or I should've put more oomph into getting
everything right. C'mon, Astroknot...put your back into it!
***
If, someday, you have to choose between watching a group of 15 to 16
toddlers with the help of 2 or 3 other adults and watching a group of 20ish
grade school children with the help of one other adult, for God's sake,
choose the toddlers. If they misbehave you can toss them in a highchair for
a few minutes and they're not afraid to give you a hug if you need it.
Well, most of the time.
***
Lessee...over a month since my last post...I'll see you in a month or less
and I'll be more entertaining. Right now, all I can think of to really say
is Harry Potter related (the influence of the 20ish grade school children
and the other adult). I can't wait until Lord of the Rings comes to the
theaters. And Moulin Rouge comes out on DVD.
***
I need a haircut. Anyone have goat sheers I can borrow?
Cautious Lara Croft - 12/21/2001
It's 11:25 in the evening and I am at my best friend's house. She's playing
Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation. She can't make this one jump in level
thirteen and it's making her angry. See there's this...train....
Nevermind. The reason for the entry title is because if we ever make a Tomb
Raider video game, it will be titled Cautious Lara Croft. And it will be
advised in it that one saves every three steps (in seperate memory spaces),
as she is doing. (If anyone wants to beat us to developing that video game,
go ahead, as neither of us knows crap about video game development.)
I've had a relatively good week this week. Hearing from one friend I
haven't heard from in awhile and finding out another will be back next
week. I'm totally excited. :)
I've been having extremely vivid dreams lately. The alarm goes off, I hit
snooze and go back to sleep to the same dream I was having before the
alarm. At this moment, I cannot remember this morning's dream, except that
I was at work and everyone around me was from a movie...not the actors, but
the characters.
***
Someone asked me about Amy Millers. I told her I know two. It now occurs
to me that I know three. But the third would still not be the right one.
This makes me wonder how many Amy Millers there are in the world. They
should start a club or something.
Which makes me also wonder how many people have my name...not my exact name
or my diary name, but my name.
How many people have YOUR name?
Is your life in your birth certificate?
***
It's time to take the game back now. You all have a sweet night.
Astroknot
#029 interrupted by monthly examination - 1/1/2002
I've dealt drama and I've received
I've wanted to but wouldn't leave
I've been in pain and caused it too
I've lived in red and slept in blue
I've picked up pennies heads and tails
I've been Jonah and the whale
I've bathed in rain and bathed in streams
I've learned and lost a million things
What's a resolution but a flood of words
Meaningless patterns of letters reflecting
All those things we hate about ourselves
Or imagine others dislike about us?
I'm putting my resolve to rest
I've been hungry then overate
I've been scared to enter but passed through the gate....
I'm lost, but don't plan on being so for much longer.
I've been examining again. My mind keeps wandering. I've noticed that I
can't write anything that sticks since I moved back home. Even stuff I
wrote while I was with Tray seems bland and as if it's not even what I used
to be able to come up with. Not even close. This isn't evolution. It
feels as if I've given up. So why can't I write? Why have I given up? I
examine what's been going on:
Unsubstantial crushes
Drowning in work
Suffocation
Bad health.
Top 5 Songs Today:
Elton John: I Want Love
Indigo Girls: Crazy Game
Erin McKeown: Daisy and Prudence
Elton John: This Train Don't Stop There Anymore
Amy Martin: Horizon
Top 5 Songs Yesterday:
Beatles: Here Comes the Sun
Greg Brown: Downtown
Greg Brown: Ships
Weezer: Simple Pages
Indigo Girls: Kid Fears
Illusions of having past
Your having passed before
Your having prose
Left me standing here
Eyes to the floor
Avoiding
Illusions of us having a past
And prose
A girl caught up in getting wherever she's going as quickly as possible
learns a lesson about taking her time and appreciating the beauty around
her. Hallucinatory teacher in the form of what she needs most but wants
least of all, until she sees it. HOW? How does she learn to trust her own
limbs?
I'm leaning toward early morning
Avoiding my Jelly Bellies in a wine glass
(One of the four we bought together from Arby's)
Stuck in a writing mode
But feeling unremarkable
If you (who?) appear and open my eyes
I will keep them fixed upon you
And always answer you
When you ask if we're okay
If and when you appear(Who could you be?)
Avoidance - 1/2/2002
I cheat on myself--promising myself I'll do something but shirking it off
when the time comes.
I treated myself to City Park today. I ate lunch at a pretty spot with a
mock-Shakespearean Theatre to one side of me and beautiful wintered weeping
willows bordering a pond, frozen over and white, to the other side. I sat
there, thinking of the few times I had been to the park. I never take the
time to treat myself. I shirked off promises today, but I made up for it.
And I felt good. I drove home when my hands had frozen beyond feeling. On
the way, they warmed up. I think some pent up sadness seethed out of me
with the aching in my fingers.
TELEVISION WATCHED: None
READING DONE: Girl Walking Backwards by Bett Williams in its entirity and a
few short stories in Her^3.
Top 5 Songs Today:
David Gray: My Oh My
Amy Martin: Grace
Ani Difranco: Overlap (LIC version)
Pink: Let's Get This Party Started (on radio)
Debussey: Claire de Lune (piano version)
Used to Like Your Smile - 1/3/2002
Sitting as close as I can
My leg touching yours
My eyelids flutter
Relaxed and comfortable
I drift off
And fall in love for the moment
Starting myself awake
You look at me and I catch you
Love for a lifetime in your eyes
Top 5 Songs Today:
Zrazy: When You Cry
Tegan and Sara: More For Me
Zrazy: Wild Child
Gorillaz: Sound Check
Tegan and Sara: Superstar
"Lean over here."
I did.
His lips close to my ear, he placed his hand upon my knee as he
whispered, "I used to like your smile..."
"And now?"
"It's fading."
We sat in silence. I pushed his hand from my knee. His eyes spoke concern.
"She won't leave it be," I said.
"Your mom?"
I nod. He knows what I mean. He goes back to door watching. After a few
minutes, he points to a baby butch entering the club.
"That her?"
"Yep."
We stand to greet my friend.
Flannel - 1/4/2002
Asleep, I felt a body fall on top of me
It nuzzled its nose into my neck
Its leg rested between mine
Its weight covered me and consumed me
I lifted a knee and pressed it firmly
My mouth found a lobe, a cheek, a chin, a mouth
I was no longer asleep as my hands began their work
Their play
I flipped us over and became the weight
I opened my eyes
Below me, only mattress and pillow
Revenge - 1/4/2002
back in the world
on my feet
treading softly bound by bound
keys jingling jangling jarring me awake
playing promises and friends
playing world that never ends
playing confident and large
i'm and executive for hire
finding the door catching the lock
shutting everything out that makes me look
makes me feel unprofessional
your mistake was asking if i needed to talk
not one to admit weakness when reason cannot be found
a tired voice on the other end
i slam selfishness back on the dusty shelf
"Go to Sleep."
you couldn't hear me crying for you
because i'm back in thw world on my feet
playing happy and well adjusted
because tears are as unprofessional
as reaching out
Top 5 Songs Today (early edition):
Indigo Girls: Kid Fears
Coldplay: Yellow
Coldplay: High Speed
Erin McKeown: The Little Cowboy
Amy Martin: To You
I'm Five Years Old - 2/4/2002
Well, I feel like it. I'm playful and uncomprehending. What did you say?
What does that mean? I'm crying because you took away my toy. I'm waking
from my nap with the urge to go to the bathroom. I'm watching cartoons and
laughing at silly words. I laugh at you. You cry. I run down the street,
my arms outstretched, making plane noises. You follow, close on my heels,
swerving and skipping.
I say something and you make me repeat it five times until you finally
figure out what my dutchy speech means. You nod, and we walk back home,
holding hands.
Don't Hurt Yourself - 2/19/2002
When I get online at my best friend's house, I can't exactly write what I
feel like writing, as she looks over my shoulder constantly and heaves these
heavy sighs in my direction, because it bores her when I write what I want
to write.
I almost told her not to hurt herself last night, all that neck craning and
heavy sighing.
So what should I have written in all the emails I sent yesterday? And what
should I have written in this exact spot? I don't know. What I felt like
doing was being brutally honest yesterday, what I ended up doing was being
silly against my mood. That is something that never works out quite right.
I reread the emails. I obviously didn't reread them BEFORE I sent them.
That's OBVIOUS. I'm slightly embarrassed they were sent at all.
Next time I feel honest, I'm gonna write it all down in my notebook if I
can't get to the library to write it. Next time.
I just hurt myself otherwise.
*coughs* - 2/27/2002
whatiwanttosayis....
what i want to say is....
whadiwannasayis....
see i have this cold...but that's not what i want to say....
aside from this cold...i'm feeling empty. so it's time that someone fills
me with the four core values:
respect
responsibility
trustworthyness
caring
it's time that someone fills me with lurve *cough* love.
*stares* - 3/7/2002
*watches you pass, not taking her eyes off of you until you're completely
out of sight*
how can you not feel me looking at you?
I do.
My Colorgenics (thanks to Purrkat) - 3/14/2002
Purrkat (one of my best friends in the world) has the url to colorgenics in
her diary, so i took it. very accurate i must say! all but the managerial
part.
_______
You are trying to establish yourself and make an impact despite the fact
that everything around you seems to be against you .. putting up
barriers .., but don't be unduly concerned ... you have the right ideas and
come what may, they will soon be manifested and appreciated.
You are a very warm and emotional individual but unfortunately in the past
too many people have taken advantage of this sensitive trait. You need
aesthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner
with whom to share a warm understanding.
You are trying to break away from the mundane existence that you have been
experiencing of late. You have many high hopes and ideals but you are
concerned whether circumstances will allow you to realise these ambitions.
You want to spread your wings ... to broaden your fields of activities but
you are concerned that your dreams are just that "dreams" which are not
realistic. It concerns you that you are not thinking clearly at this
time ... what you need is to get away from it all - to give you time
to "think" A short vavation could well restore your confidence.
Presently, you are experiencing stress because of restriction on your
independence. You need and seek respect from other people and it is
essential that they appreciate you for yourself and not for what they would
like you to be. You have your own beliefs and convictions and you would like
to be respected for them. You are anxious to avail yourself of every
opportunity that may come your way but nevertheless, come what may, you have
the need to control your own destiny without imposed limitations or
restrictions.
You are trying to build up your own position and you resist all external
influences. You insist that you are your own person and you will not
tolerate any outside interference. Decisive and proud, you are true
managerial material...
Note to Self: - 3/23/2002
I want the girl from Vortex. Must remember she's taken and that I'd
probably want anyone I found interesting at the moment.
accident - 3/30/2002
Was in a car accident today. Everybody's basically okay. Only one slight
injury (a bruise) for my passenger. My car still runs, but now it's
definitely a "only in town when I absolutely HAVE to use it" car.
BAH!
At least we're all alive.
sun - 4/10/2002
it sure is sunny
hot glare - 4/15/2002
it's so beautiful outside that a hot glare is coming through the window and
hitting me and the computer screen. it doesn't really bother me to squint
through glare to see what i'm typing. what bothers me is that i'm typing at
all. i have an urge...to go to the palisades and take a hike. since i had
my accident though, i can't exactly GET to the palisades. this stinks!
it's a totally beautiful day and i don't work until three (a development
that came up yesterday when my boss told me "we don't need you until three
tomorrow.") and i only have my hometown to walk around. mayhaps i'll end up
on the trail at the park. i don't know.
other than that, i had an exciting night of insomnia last night. finally
got all into my screenplay again, although what i wrote wasn't good. it
usually takes a couple days of trying before i get anything i can actually
use. so i'm not concerned. and i wrote incredibly obscure poetry in my
journal last night...poetry about someone i didn't even realize i was
thinking about...poetry that only that someone would understand.
i once had a girl tell me that it's not fair to put inside jokes and stories
in my poetry. it's not fair to the outside reader. i want to know
something: what the heck is that girl smoking? most poetry IS inside jokes
and stories! does she expect to fully understand something from the poet's
perspective? you're SUPPOSED to experience poetry from your own point of
view! am i right? well am i?
okay. i would like to go spout off to a whole different group of people
now, so toodles. :)
The First Book of Presidents - 4/16/2002
sitting in the kiddy section
blast from the past
poisoned tea
origami cranes flap flap flapping in the breeze
and the heat is sticky
like the backs of the stickers we painted ourselves with
and the colors were always brighter
when the rainbows emerged after rain
we knew it all
you and i
though we always disagreed
you in your spandex shorts
blue jeans for me
you in your belly shirts
me in my t's
we knew it all
but have long since forgotten
us as a we
if you want to come over to play
i just got new markers
and four coloring books
***
right-eyed dandylion chain
Stir Crazy - 4/16/2002
Shocking how relaxation
can make one
desperate
for anything but the norm
anything but relaxation
lazy fools
a need for...for
for...for....
a need for a break in
monotony
....scenery
....company
a need for a
VROOM VROOM
way out of town
a need to be
joyride - 4/18/2002
Picture this:
Riding down the street on his bicycle
wind blowing his hair
making it hard to pedal
up and down hills
stopping at stop signs
a smile on his face and an ache in his legs
carefree for now
just fancying a jaunt on his bike
perhaps a bite to eat
Picture this:
She's frantically calling
and having never lost a child before
she's even more frantic
on the phone for a solid hour
where is he?
what's happening?
and hoping for the best
it's such a beautiful day
except the wind is blowing paper crowns into the backstop
Picture this:
Thrown into things again
having no choice again
feeling helpless again
a nightmare coming true
as stagefright hits the already frightened
feeling the urge to strangle the boy
on a joyride
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - 4/30/2002
stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here
stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here
stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here
stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here
stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here
stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here
stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here
stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here
stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here
stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here
stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here stuck here
stuck here stuck here stuck here
whistling dixie - 5/3/2002
he said he was lost without her
pointing toward home he no longer fit
being in her aura and out
out of her favor out of her heart out of her life
being in her memories and out
locked in this filth--the room cold and dark--the dirt gathering at the
corners--the roaches hiding beneath
the bed the carpet the toilet his feet
and he dreams without sleeping
pouring over the events that lost her to him
lost him to her
lost him to us
you and me
we search it in him
we spy on the hurt
his eyes skipping with melancholy
desperate to SEE
she lost him to us
since we cannot find him
we haunt her
***
don't bother
to whistle dixie
we still can't hear you
we just waste
road construction aka tearing the town apart - 5/10/2002
down the middle
(reminds me of you
scar you were so ashamed of
bright pink...or peach
your eyes drawn within themselves)
it cracks us in two
detours
(to texas, utah, arizona)
black asphalt
and the smell of tar
survey thanks to purrkat - 5/10/2002
1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT: my parents' house until this fall
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW: chekhov's plays, rereading girl walking
backwards by bett williams
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
i don't have a mouse and even if i did, i wouldn't pay the rent for its pad.
4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
backgammon
5. FAVORITE MAGAZINES
the ones i can't afford to buy at prairie lights.
6a. FAVORITE SMELLS
good food and the smell of certain people
6b. LEAST FAVORITE SMELLS
the trash for the diapers at the daycare
7. FAVORITE SOUND
that's personal!
8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
helplessness
9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
throwing a shoe at the alarm clock
10. FAVORITE COLOR?
forest green
11.HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
when i get to it. sometimes i screen.
12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
whatever shows up on the birth certificate
13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU IN LIFE?
feeling like i've accomplished something
14. FAVORITE FOODS?
shellfish and ... um... i like a whole lot of things....
15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
chocolate most of the time....
16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
yes, but not TOO fast. never a speeding ticket.
17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
four. two at my feet, two in my arms.
18. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY?
cool...to a point.
19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
1982 AMC Concord. white in color.
20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE WHO WOULD IT BE?
wow...let me think about that.
21. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
it varies. no pucker. malibu rum and coke...kahlua...captain morgan....
don't know. wine coolers probably
22. WHERE IS THE MOST INTERESTING PLACE YOU'VE BEEN?
i've never been anywhere so interesting that it sticks out in my mind as the
most interesting... sad isn't it?
23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
Yes
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED?
a filmmaker. yeah yeah yeah!
25. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR?
it was cool black...but maybe...i dunno...i've always wondered what i'd look
like with blonde hair. but probably bright red....
26. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
yes....
27. FAVORITE TV SHOWS?
i dunno...i like several shows, but not so much that i can't miss them...
28. FAVORITE MOVIES?
that's like asking a porn star her favorite position!
29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
yep
30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
the other half of my bed (a day bed)
31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?
32, 36, or 38. i forget which one has significance. i could say 69 just to
appease your gutter mind.
32. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
to watch? x-games
33. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU.
well...she didn't send it to me...but she's one of the few people who can
make me giggle by sitting on my head.
34. FAVORITE VACATION PLACE
what's a vacation?
big green quilt - 5/21/2002
i've been obsessively watching buffy...yesterday. ha. i don't know why.
seth green was back. was okayayay. when i first started watching it, it
was all willow and xander. kept the show funny. i was wondering how they
would keep people watching something based on that horrible movie. now here
i am watching reruns. i even watched the new one saturday night, because it
was on an hour after snl and for some reason i couldn't get to sleep that
night. willow freaked me out a bit, but she looks hella cool when she's all
vamped out...okay...so not vamped out...witched out. it's important to use
the correct terminology right?
speaking of not sleeping, i haven't in a few days. not good sleep. i slept
for twelve hours on friday night and since then i've been getting a couple
hours a night. it's really starting to piss me off. especially when the
dreams in that couple hours are upsetting me to high heaven. not
nightmares. not scary. but they make me want to bitchslap someone.
one good thing that's come out of not sleeping is that i've written about
fifty pages of my screenplay, only ten of which i'll probably use. and i've
reread the lotr trilogy as well as stuart little (shush, i was REALLY
tired). whoduvthunk a talking mouse would entertain me so much?
i bought back to the beach on friday. funny 80s frankie and annette. "what
the hell is a "kahuna?" is it good to have a big one?" i'm tempted to go
back and buy the 60s frankie and annette. they DO have beach blanket bingo
for sale. but i think i'd gag at that cheese.
speaking of cheese, i want to see scooby doo. for the scooby snacks? no.
to see how this disaster of a movie idea is actually going to turn out.
plus, i want to see velma say "your name means scooby poo!" again. it
cracks me up everytime i see it on a trailer. and the shaggy impersonation
is just uncanny. i just want the two pop icon shaggys to melt into one.
shaggy and scooby singing "it wasn't me" by the other shaggy. would
be...priceless...yet annoying.
i'm gonna go beat myself over the head with an iron skillet now. maybe i'll
pass out and sleep a few hours.
another pony - 5/22/2002
roll out of your
head bed
and fall to your knees
last one to the henhouse...
if you remember
back to the memory
the times we spent
the money too
STOP!
if you remember
the times we spent
wandering the streets
looking for something
anything to do
you were so restless
SHUSH!
if you remember that
do you also remember
the times we spent arguing?
you slammed the door in my face!
i did
if you remember that
do you also remember
me carrying you home after a night of drinking?
i don't recall
you wouldn't
and do you remember
enough remembering!
one more!
do you remember how it felt when i gave up on you?
i feel so small down here beneath your hooves
princess heather - 6/11/2002
i wrote a journal entry called "one for her" in my paper and pencil
journal. but i still can't bring myself to post it. it's the type of entry
heather liked. easy to understand. emotional. the next day i wrote "one
for me" in the same journal. i'll post it. it's the kind i'm comfortable
with. obscure. lot's to be read into it. non-emotional and overemotional
at the same time. so here it is.
One For Me
fasting on fear
i fly by fly down
look up and you're there
nothingness near
i fly right fly wrong
you're floating mid-air
and i wonder is it possible?
could you be my thunder source?
and i wonder if you had a choice
of if lightning set your course.
and i wonder if we'll ever heal
eat right or say our prayers.
and i wonder if we'll ever find
that someone really cares.
forging forward i fast
i fly left i fly on
stretch high but can't reach
this hunger won't last
i fly straight fly queer
you're waiting to teach
and i wonder is it possible?
could this excellerate my mind?
and i wonder if i ahve a chance
because my heart's been hard to find.
and i wonder if you're scared of me
up in your heaven space.
but i know you can't be scared of me;
you can see the grief upon my face.
i force myself to feed on this
i fall forward fall hard
forgetting form forgetting fear
i land
the flight has failed my feet
my fingers stiff with feathers
feeling weak i kneel to speak with you
having faith my words reach where my arms cannot
"i lost in you my audience"*
i lost in you my friend
i lost in you my rite of passage
"Till another open for me
In God's Eden-land unknown
With an angel at the doorway,
White with gazing at His Throne;
And a saint's voice in the palm-tree singing,
ALL IS LOST, and won.**
*Ralph Waldo Emerson to Margaret Fuller (post mortim)
**Elizabeth Barret
forgetful sleeping - 6/26/2002
lost in a world of
Ahhhhhh
lying awake at night
wondering about the way you...
struggling to open my eyes and rise
morning has come...get out of bed you sleepyhead!
but still lost in the way you treat me
is this the way it has to be?
break off a chunk of me
feed it to your cat/dog/guinea pig
i'll be here
right here
just here
waiting for you to wake me
or put me to sleep
waiting for you to lose me
and point me in the right direction
i've left here for years
day after day
forgetting it all as i sleep
losing time - 7/6/2002
i'm alone but not lonely
i've learned to face myself
i've got my hero in my back pocket
and i know your bones when i see them
fits and starts - 7/9/2002
the week is moving slowly (my god it's only tuesday!) but raggedly. one
second i think "boy this is going by quickly" and the next second everything
is excruciatingly slow. i think it's just what happens...depending on how
one thinks about things.
when i'm anticipating something in the future, time moves slowly. when i
look back at the past 22 years (that's my age, see) it seems to have gone
alarmingly fast. i feel as if i'm still 13, making stupid mistakes in
junior high and embarrassing myself for future years when my mother makes
sure to bring those mistakes up.
seems like yesterday.
but tomorrow...is SO FAR away. and sometimes knowing that makes it tough to
breathe.
but sometimes...when there's something you're not looking forward to coming
up...time moves too quickly.
i suppose that's why time is moving raggedly. i'm not really sure if i am
looking forward to school or dreading it. i want to escape here. but am i
escaping just to trap myself somewhere else? my dream is to be free to move
around. i hate being trapped. i think i get that from my father, though we
joke to my mom (who hates travelling) that she is trapping him.
maybe she is.
they're all trapping me. i feel i have a duty. so i will fulfill it,
knowing it'll trap me for another two years.
[end gripe]
surreal - 7/15/2002
my mother was wrapping along to eminem today on the way home from finding me
a job.
i'm too stunned to say anything else.
screenwriting - 7/22/2002
write two pages, throw one away...repeat.
i haven't written in a week.... on my screenplay...i haven't written in a
week. it feels written already. i know what's to happen, i know how it
happens, i have it all written down in outline form (i hate outlines, i do)
and i know what the film will look like (assuming i have access to the
equiptment i need...i wish i'd seen the films of the others so i'd know if i
need to prepare to watch my vision unfold on yummy 35 mm or detestable
digital...as it was i need part digital anyway...lovely). i need dialogue.
and i'm relatively good at writing dialogue...but i already know what has to
happen. this is a tragedy for me. why? because the dialogue will seem
more contrived...i KNOW where i'm GOING! tempted to just use improvisation
except it'd be hard to budget time that way.
GET TO THE POINT in five minutes or less!
what i should practice is my direction. horrible at telling my peers and
those older than me what to do. when to be places. where to stand. what
to say.
HEY YOU! YOU'RE BLOCKING MY LIGHT!
and in the end i can see my vision being nothing like i want it to be.
natural lighting won't work out. the camera will be too crisp looking. i
won't have time to edit. catastrophe. it'll look less documentary and
more...like children playing with a video camera. can you give me space
please?
PLEASE?
what do i do if some guy decks my interviewer for asking him one of the
questions. do i get it on film and use it? violent violent. must use
disclaimer. must cast interviewer who can take care of self. must screen
interviewees for violent pasts and broken homes...must...must...must....
must write the frickin' script!
*grumble grumble* for some reason, my creativity has already moved on.
past the script. the story is complete. i suppose i shouldn't have written
the last scene yet.
just forget about that, brain...forget you have an ending and a beginning
and a skeletal middle and remember that the middle needs MEAT.
i....
i
Tactful Dinnertable Conversations Wanted - 7/31/2002
toddlers and preschoolers are not graceful or tasteful when it comes to
speaking at the dinnertable. not that i've eaten with either group for at
least a week.
i can't believe i'm anxiously awaiting tonight's "undressed", next
tuesday's "real world: the lost season", tonight's outcome for "american
idol", and the vma's on mtv. okay...so i'm a little ashamed of
the "undressed" which i think i'm addicted to. damn them for rotating plots
and adding one that readdicts me just as my last addiction has ended! that
didn't make a lick of sense. but it did. damn them anyways. as for next
tuesday... i think that movie will be hilarious. and as i can only stand
about two hours of each season of real world, it's just the right size for
me. however, it's on at the same time as next week's american idol...so
i'll have to tape one of them. i choose mtv. which i've been watching way
too much for it being so gag worthy most of the time. as for american
idol...some of those people can really sing! and some can't! as for the
vma's...well...jimmy fallon's hosting. so it should be pretty funny.
and that's all i'm writing as all the kids i work with every morning are in
the library crowding around me and reading over my shoulder.
crunch - 8/3/2002
don't push me too far
too hard
lighten up and feel what i want you to feel
what i feel
backwards we walk
loaning ourselves out
to somebody else
fighting the illness
desire sparks
falling so quickly
we never see what's happening
until we hear the crunch
back off and so will i
i'm driving way too fast
i pump the brake
you speed on by
right into arms not mine
upside down and floating
paying with our blood
we light the candle wanting
all we want is what?
pick ourselves up off the ground
i know we'll try again
pulling ourselves down again
until we hear the crunch
last i saw you
laughing out at
something i just
could not see
bringing out your
loneliness
and forcing it on me
justify our tortured lives
your envy and my shame
justify the torture as
what we have placed upon ourselves
just dive again
get off my rock
i want to feel the crush
and when you dive
dead or alive
all i hear's the crunch
para tu mi lossefalme
prelude to a choice - 8/13/2002
you
or you
and me
i'm nodding off
and wondering
what everyone else would do
what could i do
but lose again
and fall to earth
choosing
***
i could use some...something.
layers beneath - 8/21/2002
there is a jackolantern hanging over my rightnowspot. it swings,
threatening all around it with fire and spark. it threatens my fall and i
fall as i'm looking up at all of you looking down at me. and i wonder if
i'll ever find my spring and bounce back to heights above your
middlegroundaboveme. i wonder if there are people here to catch me
fori'mfalling i wonder if they'll catch me if they're there (downthere). so
the jackolantern breaks it crumbles (it'ssmashed) and with the seeds come
fire and spark and you'll pick me up but will you catch me
(i'mfallingandburning). i know you'll pick me up but will you catch me? or
will i lay here batteredbruisedburned for daysweeksmonthsyears until you
feel it's time to pick me up and bounce me on your knee? until you feel
it's time to bring me spring? find me low air fare and a shot of pumpkin
wine and i'll fall back into middleground for you.
|
horny
creative
anxious
awake
bored
irritated
hungry