Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Hall of Fame For The Game For The Points I Dave Bing 'Em

If I beat my previous best time in the expert level of Minesweeper in the next 12 hour marathon session, it will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the war I've cheerled will be a smashing success.

From the most popular law professor on the World Wide Web (courtesy of The Poor Man and his invaluable awards):

Saddam's on trial, Iraqis are counting ballots, and as noted above we seem to have shaken things up -- though I'd argue not enough yet -- throughout the mideast. If Bush's effort here fails, it won't be because the antiwar critique of bloodthirstiness and warmongering is correct. It will be because Bush hasn't been vigorous enough in toppling governments and invading countries in the region.

I would think that the following stories show an unbelievable amount of vigor, but I guess not enough to satisfy the most courageous people who bravely demand a decade-long commitment to ushering in tripartite civil war with Turkey possibly involved:

(1) The poll, undertaken for the Ministry of Defence and seen by The Sunday Telegraph, shows that up to 65 per cent of Iraqi citizens support attacks (against troops) and fewer than one per cent think Allied military involvement is helping to improve security in their country.

(2) Under pressure from Congress, the Department of Defense has belatedly issued its policy for reimbursing service members who supplied their own protective, health or safety equipment for deployment to Iraq and Afghanistan... The list of covered items is far less than envisioned by Sen. Christopher Dodd, D-Conn., the primary sponsor of the reimbursement program approved by Congress last year.

(2a) The Pentagon has reneged on its offer to pay a $15,000 bonus to members of the National Guard and Army Reserve who agree to extend their enlistments by six years, according to Sen. Patty Murray (D-Seattle).

(2b) Army National Guard units are short of equipment at home partly because they have been told to leave such vital items as armored Humvees in Iraq for replacement troops, congressional investigators say. As of June, Army National Guard units had left overseas more than 64,000 pieces of equipment worth more than $1.2 billion, and the Army cannot account for more than half.

(2c) More than one in four U.S. troops have come home from the Iraq war with health problems that require medical or mental health treatment, according to the Pentagon's first detailed screening of servicemembers leaving a war zone.

(3) "Before only two out of 10 [roadside bombs] used to be effective," he said. "Now four or five have a catastrophic effect, blowing away a vehicle or causing casualties." In the past few months at least four American soldiers in this battalion alone have been killed. Another 39 have been wounded.

(4) Twenty-seven detainees were killed in U.S. custody in Iraq and Afghanistan in suspected or confirmed homicide cases between August 2002 and November 2004, the Army said Friday in its first comprehensive accounting.

(4a) "Our interview with Tony Lagouranis is a firsthand account of abuse beyond Abu Ghraib," said FRONTLINE producer Michael Kirk. "We have off-the-record interviews with many more soldiers telling us the abuse at Abu Ghraib was neither unique nor isolated to the prison, and that it continues throughout the country."

(5) Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on Wednesday refused to rule out U.S. troops still being in Iraq in 10 years or the possibility that the United States could use military force against neighboring Syria and Iran.

(6) The American-led invasion and occupation of Iraq has provided Al Qaeda with a new lease on life, a second generation of recruits and fighters, and a powerful outlet to expand its ideological outreach activities to Muslims worldwide.

As The Left, I blame myself, naturally. I've been such a deficit hawk that I've foolishly chided the President and the Congress for racking up a mere $2 trillion in debt over the last five years. I didn't realize that $2.485 trillion in debt would have produced the vigor necessary to make troops magically appear to implement a plan none of the dumbshits in the Pentagon thought was necessary.

And, of course, the cowardly members of the MSM in Iraq share an equal amount of blame. They are criminally unable to report the good news we know is out there by the prospect of kidnapping, the real possibility that they could get blown up in their convoy or their Green Zone hotel, and, of course, the psychological affliction of hating a popular wartime President.

Here's a Little Game, You Can All Join In...

Redefining the term "method acting."

A wise man, much wiser than I, once said:

Bush redefining conservatism sounds an awful lot like Madeline Albright and Harriet Miers redefining "h*t l*sbian acti*n" or late-in-life Orson Welles redefining "not sweating while eating fish sticks."

or Bill Frist redefining "blind," "trust," and "blind trust;" the FBI redefining "adequate oversight;" Ashlee Simpson redefining "vocal virtuousity;" Senator Kay Bailey Breck Girl Hutchinson redefining "technicality" within her own personal lexicon; members of a Pentagon news briefing redefining "turning the corner;" e-coli poisoning redefining "a pleasant dining experience;" the White House Counsel's Office redefining "focused on the nation's work;" or the American cinema-going public redefining "discriminating taste."

P.S. This post is officially endorsed by the Presidency of the United States of America, but only the portions owned by Rutherford B. Hayes, Warren Harding, and the ruptured aortic aneurism (following blood poisoning) that killed James Garfield two and a half months after he was shot by an embittered or insane attorney who was denied a consular post. Still awaiting word from History's Greatest Monster's people.

This Must Just Be Some Form Of Crazy Semantic Exercise

"Well... judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of free-thinking anarchist."

An excerpt from David Brooks' (thankfully hidden) recent New York Times editorial from a guest-blogger at Mark A.R. Kleiman's place:

Bush hasn't abandoned conservatism; he's modernized and saved it....Almost single-handedly, Bush reconnected with the positive and idealistic instincts of middle-class Americans. He did it by recasting conservatism more significantly than anyone had since Ronald Reagan. He rejected the prejudice that the private sector is good and the public sector is bad, and he tried to use government to encourage responsible citizenship and community service....This is not to say that Bush's approach to government is fully coherent. The tragedy of the Bush administration is that it never matched its unorthodox governing philosophy with an unorthodox political strategy or an unorthodox management style.... Despite all the mistakes that have been made, it is nonetheless true that Bush has ennobled and saved American conservatism [with] a vision of using government positively to give people the tools to run their own lives.....He talked about helping moms afford child care and helping the people of Darfur survive.

Holy Mother of God, if this guy actually believed what he was writing, he would easily be the dumbest person in Christendom. Bush redefining conservatism sounds an awful lot like Madeline Albright and Harriet Miers redefining "h*t l*sbian acti*n" or late-in-life Orson Welles redefining "not sweating while eating fish sticks." While the GOP leadership (House Majority Leader, Senate Majority Leader, White House Chief of Staff, and possibly Vice President) face significant legal troubles, this pink-shirted, brown-nosing dipshit is actually reading the throwaway, pot-luck portions of previous State of the Union addresses! I mean, we all remember how Laura Bush was going to use former gang members to get anabolic steroids of the streets of Darfur, right?

Let's see... anemic job growth (swapping manufacturing for temp jobs), more people in poverty, more people without health insurance, no significant gains in educational testing from the draconian No Child Left Behind act, money-draining war without foreseeable end in Iraq (and possibly beyond), all for the mere price tag of another $2 trillion in national debt. It's not conservative. It's not socialist. It's not anarcho-syndicalism, whatever that is. It's a gigantic fucking feeding frenzy for the top 1% while the long-term finances and economic trends for the country hit the shitter with a corresponding, appreciable decline in our standard of living.

I mean, our current Jackass-in-Chief should wish he had the relative anonymity of one of those ineffectual 19th century Presidents.. you know, Ol' Sideburns, and that gay guy who liked cherry phosphates... when the history books are finally written.

Cinema Philistine Sunday

Not included, as I have one or two friends whose thoughts on the film parallel the "zero out of ten" commenters.

Inspired by the one-star Amazon reviews of the great works of fiction in the last 75 years (thanks, Apostropher), I've decided to go to the well again and pull out a few highly negative reviews of classic movies (the way you get at it is to use the "hated it" filter the Internet Movie Database comments). I tried not to use comments that were obviously trollish, but I can't guarantee that I was successful. The titles of the movies themselves are in the extended entry... some should be obvious, some might surprise you:

1. Malarky. This wouldn't be more than a mediocre western starring some Hollywood third-rater if it wasn't shot in Japan and filled with guys and swords instead of cowboys and pistols. If you're interested in oriental films, try these: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Hero The House of Flying Daggers. (and if you're interested in Oriental rugs, check out Bill's House of Carpet!)

2. So much time, money, and effort spent to produce such an unpleasant film. Lord knows, it's not that everybody needs to be Pollyanna...we all are aware how truly wretched life can be...but why spend time watching loathsome, worthless characters act out pointless violence? (not an Adam Sandler movie)

3. Let me add that I have great faith in God and His Son, Jesus Christ, so that definitely affected the way I reacted to this movie. I wish I could understand fully those who do not believe or have faith; but, regardless, what I can say to them is, unless you consider yourself a true intellectual, I would recommend other ways to explore the meaning of life. (not a parody, I swear)

4. Drama lovers and arty types have the refinement and film school talent of separating the film into its component parts. They can, for example, love the choreography and costuming even if the story is awful and the characters loathsome. I don't have that fine an appreciation. For a regular guy like me, I just can't root for the Nazis. (sorry, it would have been too vague without that last line)

5. Given that this movie received numerous amounts of laudable admiration, I am pretty astounded by the ethnic ridicule tolerated throughout the film. Besides the biting wisecrack jokes and the blatant portrayal of chinese as crude servants, what is nastier than a derogatory metaphor of the town as a vile and degraded source of disaster? (highly suspect it's a parody, but too good to pass up)

6. The "intense" filming is nothing more than a shot of a ball rolling which hints the girl was killed. Thats the only innovative camera work in the whole film. That does not impress me at all, noer does the main character... The message of the movie is weak and scetchy. I can however appreciate the fact that this movie was made in 1941... meaning it was a pioneer in the subject of schitzophrania. (hint: there is misdirection in the date)

7. This has a very slow story and extremely weird people with even weirder actions and thoughts. A story about a person acting like a jerk with everyone who's around him and who does and show weird behavior throughout the movie, makes it a horrible experience. (not an Adam Sandler movie)

8. May have been a good idea, but the directing style was so unusual as to be unwatchable. It just does not lend to enjoyment; unless you are a film student. Just proves that groundbreaking does not mean good. (a little vague, but you might get the director, at least)

9. What do people see in this film? It is way too long (a common critique of realist cinema) and the characters are very unsympathetic. I certainly didn't feel any great pacifist sentiment from this film, except for feeling that war is silly especially when officers are most concerned about the length of women's hair in Paris.

10. It is ponderous, long, stifling, claustrophobic and unpleasant. It's an obvious product of the Cold War, but as a complete antithesis to the wonderful 'Dr Strangelove', it has nothing to say about the period and serves only to reinforce the awful anti-Communist prejudice of that dark era.

Feel free to put the most ridiculous Amazon/IMDB critiques of your favorite movies in the comments. There are endless possibilities for this series on the days I don't feel like coming up with original content; i.e. 90% of the time. Remember: answers in the extended entry, no need to guess in the comments.

Current Events WIth The Tinsel-Time Players

Meet your comic representation of Tom DeLay!

Fake Red Meat Friday, y'all. All of the alternating current events strips are by yours truly, the others are just favorites I've picked up along the way.

-- I think that this Stubbo is purely metaphorical for the things we all want to do anyway, especially the ostrich part. Ditto crappy pizza parlors with a bunch of hosebag animatronic band members.

-- Current events: Nominee Miers

-- This one dovetails nicely into the fuzzy Guns n' Roses rememberances from the previous music post. She drove me nuts!

-- Current events: Bird Flu

-- This one is like the punk rock of viewer-submitted cartoons. I look to write a song some day that starts with the lines "Get out of my way, robot / I'm drunk and angry."

-- Current events: The career of Judy Miller.

-- Here's an experiment: I'm going to tell you exactly how to react to this one: it will take you 5.9 seconds to connect the punchline to the set-up, you will laugh really hard for about 30 seconds, then feel bad for the rest of your life. OK, maybe not the laughing part.

-- Current events: Tom DeLay gets booked (and your intrepid Lindsay B. from Majikthise is there! I mean here! In Austin! I saw the stretch Navigator this morning!)

-- I was not aware that this particular re-animation had been attempted, although the cartoon should have been called "So Long, And Thanks for All the Smells of Rotting Corpses!"

-- Final current event: Tom DeLay in prison, Day 2. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

It definitely looks like there was some ugly brain-seepage on my part. I hope this scatalogical side of my limited creative talent, which is only rarely given leave to frolic, does not disturb anybody. In any event, please put your disturbance and freakishness to use by creating your own comic and then sharing it with us in the comments. Or you could just give me the upbraiding of a lifetime.

Pride Goeth Before a Poodle-Haired Metal Song

Get me my crushed velvet! (#10)

Been slowing down on the manic additions (just a few passes through the country blues and early blues-rock genre, like Bukka White and T-Bone Walker), but here are the random lucky eleven items selected from the current group of 7000 songs on the MCP... er.. home jukebox. Check out the Musique Non-Stop category for previous examples.

1. The End of the World (Nina Gordon) A pretty faithful Carpenters cover by one-half of the original Veruca Salt, with synth strings? Yes, it would get rated at the level you would expect. Note to Nina: don't harmonize with yourself. 4.5/10.

2. The Great Depression (The Jam) One of the great British post-punk songs [remember, folks: hand claps always help], with some Ring of Fire trumpets thrown in and sophisticated lyrics ("No sense or reason in your fussing and fighting and your violent obsession / Who’s ever really left feeling fine after the great depression?") First class stuff. 9/10.

3. You Get What You Deserve (Big Star) 20 years ahead of its time at the time, their influence on musicians may be as disproportionate to their actual sales as a band like Velvet Underground. And for all you fans out there, they're out with a new album (and it's really good): In Space. This particular song is an excellent slice of bittersweet pop. 8.5/10.

4. Monkey Wrench (Foo Fighters) I'm really not a fan of their recent pop-friendly efforts; they seem to have evolved into a 21st century REO Speedwagon. However, this is off the album when the still had the (now departed) Pat Smear, so it's a lot tighter, angrier. Bonus points because I learned the chord progression on the keyboard and turned it into a disco song... hey, it's the best preset rhythm on that Casio model. 8/10.

5. Eleven O'Clock (Morphine) Another band broken up by the untimely death of lead singer/bass player Mark Sandman. This song is about as "hard" as the band got, sounding a little bit like the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion or Sonic Youth. Gotta love a guy that can play two saxophones at once. 7/10.

6. Fun (Sly and the Family Stone): An insignificant slice of pop-funk from back in the day. 5/10.

7. Let's Go To Bed (The Cure): Speaking of unexpectedly funky, most of this song is actually lead by the bass line of on-again, off-again member Simon Gallup. Almost makes me want to get that Staring at the Sea cassette tape, until I remember that it melted like 10 years ago and I don't have a tape player anymore. 7/10.

8. Millie Pulled a Pistol on Santa (De La Soul) One of the more disturbing rap songs, if you pay close attention to the lyrics. Definitely not replacing the folks' Christmas Perry Como album with this in heavy rotation; still a very good song with samples and tag-team vocals. 7/10.

9. Blue-Eyed Boston Boy (Bluegrass Cardinals): A completely random cut off of the Rounder Bluegrass compilation that I used to own. Pretty damned annoying, now that I give it a listen. 4/10.

10. Paper Sun (Traffic) Very early psychedelia from Steve Winwood and company-- 1967 or so, I think. Actually makes good use of a sitar for the lead line, with subtle flute from Chris Wood and excellent vocals from still-teenaged Winwood. 7.5/10.

11. It's So Easy (Guns n' Roses) I used to think they had two different vocalists... the guy with who sang in a low register on this song, and the shrieking weirdo on Rocket Queen (this is how to sing with yourself!) Hey, I was 15 and inhaling a lot of gasoline on rags. Key to the song: cowbell from drummer Steven Adler! 7/10.

Abot a 6.7/10-- a must be a self-generous drunk. As always, feel free to include some of your recommendations, audits, criticisms, ennui, or Molotov cocktails in the comments. Bonus track: (Twiggy Twiggy by Pizzicato Five).

How To Criticize An Unpopular Struggle-Time Sock-Puppet

No, I said paradox. Oh, that never gets old.

Flushed out from the post and comments here, based on the sudden outbreak of Avian Shrillness Syndrome in Colonel Lawrence Wilkinson, a former top aide to Secretary of State Colin Powell. Also, partially cribbed from my brief, paradox-laden outline on how to safely criticize the War in Iraq (short answer: it is theoretically possible, so long as you never let anybody know about it).

-- First off, you can never have contributed one red cent to anyone affiliated with the Democrats (candidates, state or national parties). It doesn't matter if the Democratic candidate was an old personal friend, or if 99.5% of your remaining cash went to Republicans. However, this has a 10-year statute of limitations. Texas Governor Rick Perry, after all, was Al Gore's Presidential Campaign Manager in Texas in 1988. But then he traded the wrong for the right.

-- Also, never say "I used to be a Republican, but...". Nobody used to be a Republican, you are in the club in perpetuity, or you were never in the club to begin with. That trick only works if you want to pretend in a left-leaning site's comments that you used to be a Democrat... but then a bunch of leftists hijacked the discussion, tore up your persimmon bushes, and caused property values to go down in your neighborhood.

-- Further, in order to have a legitimate criticism of the Bush Administration, you cannot be one of the people Bush Administration fucked over. You are probably disgruntled and were hard-wired by the Intelligent Designer for genetic disloyalty, anyway. However, if you are not one of the people the Bush Administration fucked over, you are probably an elitist think tank ivory tower type person who isn’t privy to the inner workings of the Bush Administration.

-- We have not yet decided whether criticizing the President's nominee to replace Sandra Day O'Connor is the same as criticizing the President. For the moment, they are appreciating your input. The moment her nomination fails, you're all going on the shit list. Like the fickle Master Shake, the President may contemplate burning the Republican Party headquarters as a parting gift. He's had a full Presidency. It's actually been pretty bitchin'.

I think I can bottom line this for everybody: shut up already with the criticism. The President knows* that everything isn't crimson and clover and sunshine and lollipops in the world today, and it doesn't do anything for his self-esteem or his over-reliance on meaningless propagandist catchphrases** for you to keep blathering on in this manner.

* doubtful
** like it would stop anyway

The Message Is Perfectly Simple, The Meaning is Clear...

and now one for the cat lovers....

or, to be perfectly literal....

Just imagine Mr. Oswalt with a photo-shopped "pwn3d!!1!1!!" talk bubble.

Funny, I had this post ready to go on Monday night. 2005 National League Championship Series: Houston Astros 4 games, St. Louis Cardinals 1 game 2 games. 4800 combined games for Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell finally pay off for an opportunity to be World Series champs.

See y'all South Sidazs from the Windy City on Saturday. Somebody's going to be happy in about two weeks (Chicago hasn't had a World Series champion in 89 years, Houston never has... nor has it ever been to the World Series... or any Texas team, for that matter). Talk your smack now or forever hold your peace!

Quick, Engage The Hyperincompetence Engines!

[Click on the thumbnail for a life-affirming message!]

Once again, even excluding links to the upcoming high-level indictments and matters of foreign policy, it may be rather easy to see why (1) the President and the GOP Congress are about as popular as acid reflux and (2) as many people that the country is on the right track as believe that the Earth is 6,000 years ago, and with equally sound reasoning going into each belief. Articles indexed for your pleasure (click on the subject for the full article)...

9-11 COMMISSION: The members of the Sept. 11 commission will sharply criticize the Bush administration and Congress this week in a new, privately financed report expected to single out the F.B.I. as having failed to act on many of the panel's recommendations to protect the nation from terrorist attack, members of the bipartisan panel and its staff said.

DISCIPLINE, FISCAL: Yet Bush has shown no leadership on spending reform—and Republicans have rebuffed even the mildest criticisms of their spendthrift ways. It seems incontestable that we should conclude that the country's purse is worse off when Republicans are in power.

HURRICANE KATRINA: Weeks after Hurricane Katrina destroyed their homes and jobs, many people in East Biloxi are living amid the rubble of their own houses, waiting for the Federal Emergency Management Agency to deliver the trailers they have requested or for other federal assistance.

HURRICANE RITA: After more than three weeks of disappointing responses from the American Red Cross and the Federal Emergency Management Agency and spotty media coverage, several Southeast Texas officials and business leaders are starting their own relief efforts and openly appealing to fellow Texans for assistance.

NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND: Despite a new federal educational testing law championed by the Bush administration, scores among fourth and eighth graders failed to show any improvements in reading, and showed only slow gains in math nationally during the past two years, according to a study released today.

OVERHAUL, INTELLIGENCE: At least a dozen senior officials -- several of whom were promoted under [CIA head Porter] Goss -- have resigned, retired early or requested reassignment. The directorate's second-in-command walked out of Langley last month and then told senators in a closed-door hearing that he had lost confidence in Goss's leadership.

STEWARDSHIP, ENVIRONMENTAL: In an aggressive push by the Bush administration to open more public land to oil and gas production, the Interior Department has quit conducting environmental reviews and seeking comments from local residents every time drilling companies propose new wells.

What's even more interesting are the state-to-state polls, each with a sample of 600 respondents. Only six backwards-ass states (Utah, Iadho, Wyoming, Alaska, Nebraska, Oklahoma) have a positive job performance rating for the President, my home state of the Third World Republic of Texas is actually at NEGATIVE 12 (42% positive, 54% disapproval). Such a result must greatly increase the likelihood of a completely fictitious rapture, as I noted in the comments at Echidne's place ("I expect God to punish us with meteorites very soon. Oh shit, the Colorado River just turned to blood.")

"No, We're Not Homosexual, But We're Willing To Learn"

Caption as many pictures as you want, but at least try the practice picture (#5). Clicking on thumbnails = larger, context-revealing picture. Lavish praise on your favorites in the comments. My current favorite: if I were more of a geek, I'd say #1, but drunken giant tortoise (#9) is all good. Bonus points if you can get the source of the post title without using witchery (a/k/a Google).

1. The little known Legolas-Ali fight ended in the third round with a TKO.

2. Ah shit, used my allotment of Lord of the Rings jokes with the last one.

3. For some reason, I don't think this will be Exhibit A in any "intelligent design" hearing.

4. There's one free penny tray that's never gonna get skimmed again.

5. [Practice caption time!}

6. Scientists have determined the amount of ecstasy needed to enable Dennis Hastert to stay up all night dancing at a Georgetown techno club.

7. Hey man, just relax. I told you, soon all the omelette junkies in this town are gonna get well.

8. You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind...

9. Fuck you, assholes! I've been kicked out of wayyyyy better bars than this!

Kicking My Own Ass

From the webmasters of Wampum, the hosts of the annual Koufax Awards for Outstanding Acheivement in the Field of Excellence in Left-of-Center "Writing," comes this urgent plea for donations:

"First off, I want to thank everyone who has been so kind and supportive of our fundraising drive so far. I hate to ask for seconds, but we've only raised a quarter ($600) of the minimum we'll need (that is, if we see no growth over last year), and we're now over half-way to the drive's end. We had a matching challenge last week for $500, but failed in reaching the goal established by the contributor. We hope they'll come back with a similar offer again.

If you're able (and we recognize a lot of people are strapped these days), we hope you'll consider dropping a few quid in the pot to support this year's awards. And remember, the nominating process opens in Mid-December, so start scanning your favorite blogs now for deserving posts, series and comments (yes, we've had a few already via email.) The links to previous winners are here: 2004, 2003, and 2002."

Of course, I have no idea why I'd want to encourage any further half-assed recognition that drives up my bandwidth costs. Wait a minute, yes I do. To determine which of you people are loyal readers (by nominating and voting for me) and which of you are snivelling curs (by nominating and/or voting for somebody else). Anybody can vote for a fake lobster or a fake general (and they do); it takes real guts to go with a significantly less funny person who uses a lame pseudonym. And I don't mean T-Bogg (fucked-up commenting system) or The Editors (yuppie), I said significantly less funny. Christ, am I that invisible?

So go donate!