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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Please turn off your cellphones. The incredible things you are about to read will stun and amaze you. You won't believe your eyes. Hey, look over there! It's Lindsay Lohan!
No? Oh, too bad. But look: Alberto Gonzales has disappeared!
There has been a lot of magical thinking this past fortnight, but not many successfully performed tricks.
Only Britney Spears really pulled one off. The National Enquirer ogled her entering a suite in The Tower Beverley Hills Hotel with Gothic "Mindfreak" Chriss Angel.
"Things got steamy rapidly with Britney ordering her bodyguards to pick up condoms at a nearby 7-Eleven," an 'Insider' told the 'Qui.
"(Britney) was fascinated by illusionist Chriss, who did conjuring tricks before they hit the bed."
So that's how he gets people to sleep with him. Conjuring tricks. Sleights-of-hand. Maybe he used that trick he did to the bellboy: the Vanishing Tip. Anyway, he made Britney's concerns about her upcoming custody-battle royale disappear - for a few hours, anyway. At least until Chriss had to reload all his biker-rings with flash powder and take the dead doves out of his codpiece.
There were less successful attempts at prestidigitation. Adorable weirdo Owen Wilson, one of the smarter idols of the silver screen, apparently tried to make himself disappear, but thankfully got pulled offstage before the final curtain.
Utah Republican Senator Larry Craig, in typical Roy "Closet Cohn" style, tried to pull off a Vanishing Tip in various men's rooms, then attempted to make his gayness disappear into the Closet of Mystery in order to better serve the homophobia of his constituents, and fight the scourge of pro-gay legislation.
Now, that's just cowardly.
If Michael Vick can finally come out and apologize for murdering dogs, surely it is not an unreasonable request that our elected representatives possess the personal integrity to be at least as honest in their men's room cruising habits as George "Father Figure" Michael or Sir Elton "The Bitch is Back" John.
Meanwhile, while we, the World's Only Superpower, are still fighting a futile War on Gay, the "Third World" is cleaning our clocks in the race to advance and improve civilization: The Brazilian government is about to begin offering free sex-change operations to the transsexual population, which accounts for 0.001 percent of the Brazilian population.
Chastity Bono, however, will have to pay for hers, if she decides to go through with it.
"For as long as I can remember, Chastity as talked about being born in the wrong body," a family 'friend' told the Enquirer.
Poor Chas. It must have been the trauma of having to wear all those sequined bodysuits as a child.
But the biggest news in vaudeville was that it was finally Bedtime for Gonzo. Quaint torture-monkey Alberto Gonzales danced his final hat dance for the President's wheezing hurdy-gurdy.
El Abogado certainly would have been better off if he had run into Chriss Angel in a men's room before his Senate Judiciary Committee performance. He really could have used a good tip from a successful, professional illusionist. Or a delusionist. Or better yet, a disillusionist. Anyway, repeated trips to the bathroom with the President certainly didn't do him any good.
Maybe now that Fredo is going back to Texas, he can put his black cowboy hat back on, grow out his handlebar moustache, and get a new job. I hear the Village People are working cruise-lines again. Gonzo could be their evil Federale, like in Treasure of the Sierra Madre. He's already been rehearsing, sort of:
Bogart: "If you're the police, where are your badges?"
Bandito: "Badges!? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges!!"
Alternately, Gonzales could dress like a pilgrim (the first illegal immigrants, after all), then torture and kill Philippe Rose, the Indian. That would be some must-see halftime entertainment on the Imperial Love Boat. Hell, get Vick to throw a couple of dogs in the mix, and we'll call it Gitmo-a-Go-Go.
Well, that's the entertainment we deserve for giving talentless Yale legacies absolute power.
On a more positive note, The Week reported that the Serbian village of Zitiste has "erected a statue of Sylvester Stallone as Rocky Balboa in their hopes of changing their luck." The "fighting spirit" of Rocky is intended to raise the morale of the inhabitants of Zitiste, who for years have suffered "farm diseases, monstrous murders, floods and landslides."
Sounds like we could use a statue of Rocky in Hollywood, New Orleans and Washington DC, too......but nobody in Hollywood would understand the symbolism.
Pobrecito America. O' Rocky, hear our prayers.
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THE DREGULATOR. A NEW ONE. OVER THERE.
Ask von Sontag why he thinks Movable Type is a worthwhile way to blog. I swear, it's like trying to do word-processing on a Gutenberg press. Anyway, ENJOY.
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Saturday, August 25, 2007
MANY OF YOU MAY HAVE BEEN WONDERING
...why Cintrawilson.com has been sucking so hard of late.
Well, it was an effing nightmare: Dreamhost started crashing due to some glitch with Movable Type, so we moved over to Lunarpages, which was supposed to be cool with Movable Type but actually wasn't, so we had to move the whole bloody kit and kaboodle over to a THIRD server and re-do everything and yes this is incredibly boring but finally after beating the ingenious Jan von Sontag about the face and neck for two weeks (not because it was his fault, just because I am a harridan) everything is up and running again and you shouldn't have those problems you used to have, posting and what.
Jesus himself would have cracked his laptop open against the nearest fire-hydrant and torn out the motherboard with his teeth, I tell you.
But we're better now. Really. How've you been?
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Monday, August 20, 2007
AVE, HAPLESS AMERICANS: BOW, COWER and TREMBLE
Attention, American Untouchables!
Since your executive branch is enjoying an unprecedented degree of uncontrollable dynastic power here in the Holy American Empire of the United States, I am toying with the idea of throwing my hat into the ring. I am hereby forming an exploratory committee to test the waters for my potential candidacy for American Emperor for Life in the upcoming '08 race.
If the astrologers like the 40-year forecast and the goat entrails spilled by my pagan advisors auger well, I hope to begin my campaign. I will be running on the Divine Authority ticket.
America is clearly suffering from the need for a strong, despotic Czar-in-Chief. Who better, I ask, than a former Ceasar and member of the divine imperial family?
(Where the hell do you think the Russians came up with the word 'Czar,' anyway? And why are you twits using barbarian slang when there are proper Roman words for these things? Risible!)
In the meantime, I will be checking in with the DREGUBLOG periodically to familiarize you with some of my more pivotal campaign positions.
Remember: you'll all be cowering slaves one way or another. Why not submit to a Holy ruler who condones public orgies? It would be a better lot than enforced Mormonism, I can assure you.
(Those of you who contribute to my campaign in advance will have assurances of less persecution later. Please contact the Mail Caesar to make your donation.)
Molto Grazie!
THE RULING CLASS: SIMPLY MORE QUALIFIED TO OPPRESS YOU
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Friday, August 17, 2007
OUR STRUGGLES FINALLY RESOLVED, with FRESH DREG BONUS
The inestimable JAN VON SONTAG has finally moved this enormous wall of krep over from the Old Version to the New Version, and now, we hope, there will be fewer problems and restored commenting capacities. In the meantwixt, please enjoy this brand spanking new Dregulator, over there ----->
With love, squalor, and eternal vigilance,
Cintra
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Thursday, August 9, 2007
CRITICAL SHOPPER, CRITICAL ISSUES
Cintra again graces the pages of the (narrower) New York Times with her latest Critical Shopper experience, this time at Phi, a SoHo boutique that "showcases the artistry of the meiculously trained Norwegian designer Andreas Melbostad," where Cintra wrestled with Frankenhooker boots, Stevie Nicks lingerie and trained cheetahs.
Those with keen eyes will also discern slight oddities about this particular posting. We here at cintrawilson.com are in the midst of transitioning away from our current *cough* webhost to a superior one whose servers will not break every time we assign a post a category in Movable Type. We know that things like commenting have been barely working of late, and that's why we're taking steps so that the Dregublog you've grown to love will cease to be shackled in a cage that can no longer hold it.
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Sunday, August 5, 2007
IF YOU HAVE TO ASK, YOU CAN NOT AFFORD TO THINK ANYMORE (NEW DREGULATOR OVER THERE--->)
The New Dregulator: now with extra class warfare!
ELIZABETH GOTH CHELBERG ASTRIDE VERY IMPORTANT STEED
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Thursday, August 2, 2007
ANOTHER CRITICAL SHOPPER: MIU MIU, YOUR SOURCE FOR UKRAINIAN FORMALWEAR
The Times, bless their old grey pantaloons, allowed me go to Miu Miu and talk about it. My editrix, the inestimable Anita LeClerc, let me say almost everything.
Few mild zingers were sacrificed -- I had some gratutitous mention of the jacquard resembling the "mattress-pad fiberfill of enchanted pimps" that didn't make the final cut, and something about how the pants I bought were a perfect "jodhpurless jodhpur for the equestian hitwoman."
No great losses sustained. A good time had by your erstwhile Shopper, humbly submitted.
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Tuesday, July 31, 2007
THE MINISTRY FOR ESTONIAN WOMAN PREVENTION
Well, Jan von Sontag and I was robbed the other night at ROFL. I told the whole heartwarming story about how I had adopted Janush from the Estonian adoption agency (after they lied to me and told me he was 21 MONTHS old) -- and how we had translated some of his favorite public service announcements from the original Estonian and put subtitles on them as a mother/son bonding type project.
You'd think they would have been moved. MOVED, I say. Alas, no dice: We lost to a Boston terrier humping a large, stuffed Pokemon. Repent!
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Thursday, July 26, 2007
IWSMFSDIA:ROFLAJP!
IWSMFTSDIA:ROFLAJP!
(It was so much fun, she's doing it again: ROFL at Joe's Pub)
Come down to Joe's Pub this Friday to see Cintra perform alongside Dave Hill and Curtis Eller at ROFL - "The Gong Show for the Internet Age!"
In its second iteration, ROFL features eight local bloggers presenting their "finest internet finds and online creations." I can personally assure you that we on team Cintra have upped the ante since last time, and you'll not only ROFL, but probably LOL and LMAO - but you'll laugh your own ass off, not mine!
ROFL! v1.1
with host Dave Hill and musical guest Curtis Eller
Presented with The Onion and Paper Thin Walls
Friday July 27 at 11:30 PM
$15.00
Joe's Pub
425 Lafayette St.
New York, NY 10003
(212) 967-7555
Tickets are moving like hotcakes, so purhcase in advance by phone or web cannot be more highly recommended.
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Thursday, July 19, 2007
BASK IN THE WHITE HOT POWER OF NEW DREG ULTRA -->>
And do it quick before he turns all the lights off.
PORK TASTES JUST LIKE A HUMAN BABY
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COMMENTS
Good riddance to Gonzalez, the morning paper made some mention of Tom Ridge being on the short list for Fredo's job and I shuddered. I can't take another two years of my garage door malfunctioning because Tom's plane is landing two miles from the house and his electronic countermeasures are sterilizing every bird within a mile.
Poor Owen, I'm not a huge fan of his Ben Stiller sidekick work, but he seems like a nice enough guy, at least not as toxic and clueless as Britney and Lohan.
I hear nice things about Word Press, I'm on lowly Blogger, but my shit posts when I press "enter" 99.999% of the time. I suppose it's like the Mac vs. PC argument, PCs are buggy, prone to viruses etc. but the average ten year old can diagnose a problem and replace most of the guts with off the shelf parts whereas a Mac problem will get you an appointment at the *Genius Bar*. So it goes with the blogging software, sometimes the coolest most bleeding edge stuff is the most problematic. Is the apostrophe bug fixed?
Posted by: steven at August 30, 2007 5:06 PM
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