Mad Kane’s Political Madness

Palin Panic
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Obama’s campaign sure is fraying,
And the numbers are very dismaying.
If they don’t turn around,
You may soon hear this sound:
Dem agnostics and atheists praying.

Technorati Tags: Governor Palin, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Obama Limerick, John McCain, Agnostics Verse, Atheist Poem, Religion Humor

Great news! I managed to sneak a peek at Sarah Palin’s Barracuda Blog. (It wasn’t easy to do, because she’s almost as secretive about her blog as she is about her email.)

Here’s what she had to say in Entry 1:

Dear Diary,

Sarah Barracuda strikes again … big time!  Take that Ms. Hillary RODHAM Clinton!

I always knew I’d end up in the Oval.  And that my ovaries would take me there. I even knew it way back when I was in one of the five  (or was it six???) colleges I went to for my bachelor’s degree.

I really shouldn’t be writing in my diary right now.  I’m supposed to be studying some foreign policy crapola:  Joe the Jew (who I’m sure is jealous of me) won’t stop prattling nonsense about the difference between the Sunnis and the Shias. He says Johnny-boy keeps forgetting and it’s gonna be my job to jab him whenever he gets it wrong.

Hell, one jab from me would probably kill him. Not a bad idea, come to think of it. But I probably don’t want to rush things.

Oops!  Lieberman just sneaked up on me and started yelling about my diary — he says my calling him ”Joe the Jew” is anti-semitic.  His point?

Anyway, that just proves he’s jealous.  He’s been kissing Johnny-boy’s butt forever and  he came thisclose to the Veep pay-off.  And then I stole his ball … actually, both of them.

Joe (happy now, Joe?) also just told me I have to study faster cuz some news guy’s interviewing me this week.  They were hoping to stall until after the election, but  no dice.  And the worst part is it’s not even a Fox fella.

Oh well… I’m a fast study (boy is Biden gonna be surprised!) And besides,  they tell me the news guy promised to behave.

I guess I’d better put my diary aside for now, and dig into that big pile they have the nerve to call briefing books. Hmmm … I wonder what I should listen to while I study.

Which reminds me — those annoying Heart-girls  are  bitchin about Barracuda being played at my convention.  Hey, if they didn’t want me to use it, they shouldn’t have named it after me.

Technorati Tags: Sarah Palin Humor, Sarah Barracuda, Republican VP, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, McCain Humor, Lieberman Satire

Dear John McCain:
 
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
 
Why am I, a liberal feminist, thanking you with such enthusiasm?  Because by naming Sarah Palin to be your running mate, you’ve turned my life around.
 
I mean (and I say this with all due respect) I could have sworn that Ms. Palin was as unqualified to be Veep as I am. Maybe even less qualified, since I’m a lawyer and she isn’t.
 
But it turns out I was wrong.  Why? Cuz she’s the Governor of Alaska, a state that’s really, really close to Russia. 

And, as I’ve learned from you and your current wife, proximity equals expertise.   Which means that Governor Palin’s already an expert on Russia.  And anything else she needs to know in the foreign policy department she’ll absorb by osmosis, simply by hanging out near your knees. 

Speaking selfishly (and who doesn’t?) here’s the coolest part of this whole osmosis thing: Without any additional schooling or training, I have the expertise to do a gazillion hard things I haven’t studied for even an hour.  For instance:
 
1. Heart surgery.  (A cardiac specialist lives two houses away, and we say “hi” at least twice a month.)
 
2. Gourmet cooking.  (My home’s within three blocks of over two dozen great restaurants.  From the smell alone, I’ve surely  picked up culinary chops.)
 
3. Olympic swimming.  (I live in Bayside.  Need I say more?)
 
4. Podiatry.  ( I know someone who knows someone who knows Dick Morris.  Okay, maybe not podiatry … but certainly pedicures.)
 
I could go on forever, because osmosis has opened the doors to countless challenging professions.  How many? I can’t count that high cuz I don’t know any mathematicians.

But I do want you to know how happy and grateful I am. In fact, I’m so excited,  I’m having trouble deciding which high level profession to try out first.
 
Or maybe I should just wait for my future boss to come to me.

So thanks, Senator McCain.  And please stay well  … at least until that foreign policy osmosis thing kicks in for Ms. Palin and the pesky Axis of Evil.

Oh … and one more thing: Please keep me in mind if you ever need heart surgery.

Technorati Tags: Senator McCain, Governor Palin, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Running Mate Humor, VP Verse, Veep Vetting, Qualifications Humor, Heart Surgery Humor

How nice that John McCain is finally getting around to vetting his temper-tantrum-inspired, Lieberman/Ridge-rebound Veep pick.

However, despite all the disqualifying details he’s belatedly learning, McCain is unlikely to dump Sarah Palin from the ticket unless he’s forced to.  Admitting a mistake in judgment?  Not gonna happen. Unless, maybe, it turns out she shot an aging lawyer in the face … and probably not even then.

But hey, at least Palin’s an expert on Russia.  Which reminds me —  I can’t help wondering if Condi feels foolish about wasting  so much time studying up on Russia, when all she really had to do was  move to Alaska.

And now it’s time for two limericks:

It appears that McCain failed to vet
A woman he barely had met.
Then he named her for Veep
And now he’s hip deep
In  her muck.  Yet he feigns no regret.

John’s allies are  praisin’ and hailin’
The selection of unprepared Palin.
But will buyers’ remorse
Attack them in force
If McCain ever seems to be ailin’?

Technorati Tags: Sarah Palin Limerick, John McCain Humor, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Presidential Election 2008, Lieberman Verse, Tom Ridge Poem. Russian Expert, Alaska Governor, Condi Rice Humor, Vetting Candidates

Sarah Palin For Veep? I knew John McCain and his Rovian puppet masters were cynical, but this takes the cake.

But hey, I’m a female.  So I guess I have to vote for whats-her-name, right?  After all, the only reason I was backing Hillary is cuz we’re both female. So naturally, now that Obama’s chosen Biden as his running mate, I must vote for a woman who STANDS FOR EVERYTHING I DESPISE:

Sarah Who???
By Madeleine  Begun Kane

Dear Johnny, I can not conceive
What could possibly make you believe
That your anti-choice pick
Could possibly click
With us Hillary-gals.  How naive!

You must think that we women are sheep,
Who would swoon at a female for Veep.
But a right-wingnut gal
Who’d control our canal?
Oh, that hole that you’re digging is deep.

Yes, your pick has a beautiful face
And she’ll help you to shore up your base.
But she’s wrong to the core
And (like you) she’s just more
Of Bush/Cheney … with feminine grace.

UPDATE: I’m very pleased that my Robert Benchley Society Humor Award has generated a fair amount of publicity. This article in Gannett’s Journal News is probably the best of the stories.  And it has a fun companion video of me reading one of my humor columns.

Technorati Tags: Sarah Palin, John McCain Humor, Palin Humor, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Hillary Clinton Verse, Biden Nomination, Obama Poem, Feminist Humor, Gender Satire

So Bill Kristol’s a feminist.  Who knew? Yes, William Kristol, Republican con man, is oh so terribly concerned about the glass ceiling perpetuated by Barack Obama when he chose Joe Biden for his running mate, denying Hillary Clinton her shot at Veep.

I’m touched.  Aren’t you?

Kristol-izing Feminism (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Bill Kristol is outraged that Hill
Ain’t the Democrats’ Veep pick. Dear Bill,
Your concern about gender
Would strike me as tender
If phonies did not make me ill.

Technorati Tags: Bill Kristol Limerick, William Kristol, Weekly Standard, Hypocrisy Verse, Obama’s VP Pick, Obama’s Veep Pick, Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden Poem, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Feminism Humor, Media Humor, Glass Ceiling

McCain Thought They Were Asking How Many Combs He Owns
By Madeleine Begun Kane

McCain is confused. Stop the presses!
And if stumped by a query, he guesses.
He’s not up to the task
When this question they ask:
Just how many homes he possesses.

Technorati Tags: McCain Limerick, John McCain’s Houses, McCain’s Homes, McCain’s Mansions, Elitist McCain, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Presidential Election

The longer this presidential campaign goes on, the more worried I become.  And oddly enough, it’s Barack Obama’s much touted communication skills that concern me the most.

Because as good as Obama is at speechifying, that’s how poor he is when he’s responding to questions.  It’s the difference between hearing the insightful results of his thought process … and being forced to watch him think.

And that leads me to my latest verse:

Some Friendly Advice For Obama
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Obama, your speeches are great,
Like a confident, smart Head of State.
But when questioned you freeze
And appear ill at ease.
Loosen up or you’ll lose — no debate!

And when queried you need to be clear.
Don’t meander and stutter,  you hear?
Cuz you come off evasive
And  quite unpersuasive,
While John McCain’s lies sound sincere.

I’ll admit I was never a fan,
And I’m sick of the phrase “Yes we can.”
But I’m begging you, hide
Your pontificate-side,
Else you’ll lose to a confidence man.

Technorati Tags: Presidential Election, Obama Limerick, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Head Of State, Campaign Speeches, Press Conference, McCain Limerick

I’m starting to lose track of how many wars John McCain wants us embroiled in.  He’s certainly singing a bellicose tune these days, and now you can join in with him to the melody of I’m Popeye The Sailor Man:

McCain’s Bellicose Tune (Sing to I’m Popeye The Sailor Man)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m tougher than nails, I am.
I stand up for Uncle Sam.
The other guy’s weak,
While I’m still at my peak,
Cuz I’m tougher than nails, I am!

I’m one tough contender
Which hates all pretenders
Wot never has grown a pair.
I stiffs ‘em and bluffs ‘em
And always out-roughs ‘em.
Obama won’t get nowhere!

That foolhardy boy’s incurred my wrath.
It’s “Wham” and it’s “Bam,” un’erstan’?
It’s risky behavior
To challenge this Savior.
McCain is the White House Man!

I carry a giant stick.
I’m fast with a verbal kick.
Don’t vote for that lad
Or I’ll really get mad.
Beware of my giant stick!

Obama is just a wuss,
A sweet-talking fraidy-puss.
He looks kind of foreign,
Perhaps Ecuador’an.
Don’t vote for that callow wuss!

Technorati Tags: McCain Song Parody, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, White House Song, Obama Song Parody

My “Dear John” Edwards Letter (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear John, to your run I said, “Yay!”
And I thought you’d go far, come what may.
Then you cheat on your spouse
And deny it, you louse!
But will Coulter stop calling you gay?

Technorati Tags: John Edwards, Ann Coulter, Horny Politicians, Cheating Husbands, Presidential Campaigns

Back in June I was thrilled to announce that I was a 2008 Robert Benchley Society Award for Humor Competition finalist. (The humor column that got me onto the finalists list is Guide For The Opera Impaired.) 

Well, I’m now beyond thrilled because Bob Newhart, the finalists judge, picked me as the FIRST PRIZE winner.

Mr. Newhart even sent me a handwritten personal note (reproduced below) explaining why he named me for the top Robert Benchley Society humor award.

Right now I’m verging on euphoria —a dangerous condition for a satirist.  But just to be mentioned in the same sentence as Mr. Benchley and Mr. Newhart is almost beyond comprehension.

Here’s Mr. Newhart’s note. (Needless to say, I plan to frame the original.)

UPDATE: I’m very pleased that my award has generated a fair amount of publicity.  This article in Gannett’s Journal News is probably the best of the stories.  And it has a fun companion video of me reading one of my humor columns.

Technorati Tags: Robert Benchley Society, Bob Newhart, Humor Awards, Writing Competitions

I’ll be making a big announcement very soon — probably on Friday.  But in the meantime, here’s my Media Sheep, inspired in part by this Carpetbagger Report post: In context, Obama’s humble; but out of context…

Of course, we’ve reached a point at which reality no longer matters. A reporter found an anonymous source who took Obama’s comments out of context, changed the meaning entirely, and all of a sudden, we’re off to the races. As Vincent Rossmeier noted, “Of course, the simple fact that the quote isn’t accurate isn’t going to stop some on the right — and in the media — from using it as fuel for the emerging narrative about Obama.”

Media Sheep
By Madeleine Begun Kane

McCain’s a straight talker.
Ignore all his lying.
Obama is pompous.
He’s humble?  Not buying!

That’s the agreed-upon narrative.  See?
Facts don’t support it?
So scrap them with glee.

McCain contradicts
All his stated positions.
Just brush this aside.
He’s above all suspicions.

Minor adjustments in views from Barack?
Paint them as flip-flops
And go with the flock.
 
(For extra points, tell me what song parody this could be turned into with a bit of tinkering.)

Technorati Tags: John McCain Verse, Barack Obama Poem, Straight Talk, Press Narratives, Flip-Flops, Media Humor, Presidential Campaign Satire, Election Humor

By now, everyone’s surely seen Barry Blitt’s New Yorker cover, depicting Barack Obama as a flag-burning, bin Laden-loving, fist-bumping Muslim.  Intended to satirize “The Politics of Fear,” the image is being widely criticized as reinforcing the very stereotypes it seeks to mock.

Cartoonist Tom Tomorrow has a very interesting take on the topic here and here, as does cartoonist Ruben Bolling here, and Don Davis here, here, here, and here.  The New York Times queries some late night talk show hosts here and Mark Karlin of Buzzflash speaks out here.

Here’s my view in verse:

A Humorist’s Lament
Madeleine Begun Kane

A humorist like me sure knows
How tough it is to write, compose,
And sketch satiric toons and prose
And poems.  It’s not without its woes.

For instance, Barry Blitt’s lampoon,
New Yorker’s well-intentioned toon,
Is meant to show as crass buffoon
The lie and bias-spreading goon.

The humor quand’ry, if you please:
This toon could fit with equal ease
In any right-wing, racist sleaze
And readily its readers please.

That’s why it draws this fit of pique
For spreading what it would critique,
Confirming to the knowledge-weak:
Barack Obama — Terr’ist Sheik!

Update: Some more funny people have chimed in on this topic: skippy; David Horsey; Jon Swift; and Talk About Comics.

Technorati Tags: Barack Obama, New Yorker Cover, Barry Blitt, Tom Tomorrow, Ruben Bolling, Racial Stereotypes, Media Humor, Election Coverage Satire

U.S. District Judge Ronald Leighton (Tacoma, Washington) made a big splash recently when he lambasted a legal filing with a limerick. What prompted him to wax poetic?   A 465-page complaint in a racketeering lawsuit failed to comply with a federal rule (FRCP 8(a)) requiring legal complaints to be “a short and plain statement of the claim showing that the pleader is entitled to relief.” 

Judge Leighton dismissed the complaint and directed attorney Dean Browning Webb to refile it, in an order that included this limerick.

Plaintiff has a great deal to say,
But it seems he skipped Rule 8(a).
His Complaint is too long,
Which renders it wrong,
Please rewrite and refile today.

Although Judge Leighton’s limerick meter is a bit spotty in the first two lines, I think His Honor’s poetic effort deserves a poem in … uh … his honor:

Ode To Judge Ronald Leighton
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Attorneys are often verbose,
Penning legal complaints grandiose,
Writing hundreds pages
And setting off rages
From those who find wordiness gross.

But Judge Leighton showed major restraint
When he ruled on an endless complaint.
In a limerick poem
He said, redo this tome
Cuz in 8(a) compliance it ain’t!

Technorati Tags: Judge Ronald Leighton, FRCP Rule 8(a), Federal Rules Humor, Judicial Humor, Courthouse Verse, Litigation Humor, Racketeering Lawsuit,  Poetry, Dean Browning Webb, Legal Complaint

John McCain and his economic advisor Phil Gramm should really get their stories straight:

John McCain’s campaign says in their new ad that the economy is “in shambles.” …

In an interview with the Washington Times, Gramm says the economy is in relatively decent shape — and much more.

“You’ve heard of mental depression; this is a mental recession,” he said.

Moreover, Gramm said: “We have sort of become a nation of whiners. …”

Naturally, Gramm blames our “mental recession” on the media.  And that brings me to my latest political verse:

Wham! Bam!  No Thank You, Phil Gramm!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

We’re “a nation of whiners,” says Gramm.
Our economy’s not in a jam.
It’s a “mental recession,”
This public obsession
With price hikes and jobs on the lam.

So who is at fault? It’s the press.
Yes, says Gramm, they have brought on this mess.
It would seem that reporting
The news isn’t sporting.
Vote McCain for continued “success.”

Technorati Tags: Phil Gramm, Economy Verse, Media Poem, Campaign Satire, Election Humor, Vote McCain, Mental Recession, Nation Of Whiners 

So Obama denies that he’s moving rightward towards the middle. Sorry, but I just don’t buy it. 

Unlike Obama’s ardent primary campaign supporters, I never thought he was especially liberal.  But Obama’s  positions on FISA, abortion rights, gun control, faith-based initiatives, and the death penalty are even worse than I suspected. (So far, he’s pretty much where I thought he’d be re ending the war in Iraq — way too slow.)

And now it’s time for a limerick:

Dear Obama
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Obama, your flight to the right
Is making me feel quite uptight.
It’s alarming how fast
You’re forsaking the past
And converting to GOP-lite.

(Don Davis weighs in on being “stuck in the middle with Obama.”)

Technorati Tags: Obama the Centrist,  FISA, Abortion Rights, Gun Control, Faith-Based Initiatives,  Death Penalty

I was shocked to learn that John McCain is computer illiterate. Well, I have just the ticket:

Some Friendly Advice For McCain’s Veep Vetting Team
By Madeleine Begun Kane

McCain doesn’t use a PC
Or a Mac, so he needs a VP
Who can act as his tutor
In using a ‘puter
And help with the phone and TV.

Technorati Tags: McCain’s Campaign, Computer Illiteracy, Campaign Satire, Computer Literacy, Election Humor, Mac Or PC, VP Vetting

Cool news! I’m a 2008 Robert Benchley Society Award for Humor Competition finalist. (The humor column that got me onto the finalists list is Guide For The Opera Impaired.)

“We had a delightful time selecting our top ten finalists this year,” said Robert Benchley Society chairperson David Trumbull. “It is a true honor to turn the job of selecting the top four essays over to Bob Newhart.”

“All of the entries are read blind. No one knows who wrote which essay until the judging is finished. This keeps the competition entirely merit based,” said Horace J. Digby, a past Benchley Society Award winner…

Newhart’s selection and ranking of the top four winners for this year’s Robert Benchley Society Awards will be announced the week of July 6th.

The Robert Benchley Society Award for Humor is an international writing competition dedicated to the warm, self-effacing comic writing style that made Benchley so beloved during his lifetime. …

I thought I’d celebrate with a limerick:

I can barely maintain my sobriety
Cuz the great Robert Benchley Society
Held a contest and wow,
I’m a finalist now.
Will I win the top prize? High anxiety!

Technorati Tags: Robert Benchley Society, Award for Humor, David Trumbull, Horace J. Digby, Bob Newhart

I hope I’m wrong.  But I’m concerned that cowed (and confused) Dems may be backing off valid John McCain criticism out of fear of being called ageist.

As some Republicans see it, Democrats are deliberately talking in code about the presumptive 71-year-old GOP nominee as part of an attempt to highlight his age.

…

Obama aides deny any strategy to highlight age, and Obama, 46, himself told reporters last month that age should not be a factor. Indeed, he used to compliment McCain’s “half-century of service” to the country as a Vietnam War veteran and a member of Congress, but after McCain campaign manager Rick Davis argued that it was a sly way to inject age into the debate, Obama dropped the reference in February.  

…

But when Obama foreign policy adviser Susan Rice and Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.) each described McCain as “confused” last week, Republicans became convinced that Democrats intend to run a crypto-ageist strategy, using words that create a subtle impression in voters’ minds.  

…

But the dynamic of Obama’s running against a candidate who’s a quarter of a century older is nonetheless creating an environment where some Democrats see the need to self-censor, proving that the McCain offensive is already working.

“I was going to say, ‘He lost his grip,’” said Democratic consultant Jonathan Prince, recalling a recent appearance on CNN’s “Situation Room.” “Those are normal words you use when you are involved in campaigns. You say, ‘They are nuts, they are off their rocker, they lost it.’ They have become very adept at grabbing every opportunity they can to turn it into a personal slur.”

The problem with John McCain isn’t his age per se.   McCain’s problem is he lacks the wisdom and maturity that ought to come with age.

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

So, Is This Ageist Too?
By Madeleine Begun Kane
 
Wah, wah, wah! Don’t critique John McCain.
If you do so you’re ageist — Insane!
I think that just maybe
McCain’s a big baby,
Too puerile to win this campaign.

Technorati Tags: McCain Criticism, Democrats Humor, Campaign Satire, Election Humor

Is it just me?  Or is Keith Olbermann turning into Bill O’Reilly?

The bombastic commentary.  The narcissism.  And, of course, the misogyny.

I’d thought that once Obama clinched the Democratic nomination, it would be safe to start watching Countdown again.  Without Keith’s daily anti-Hillary target practice, I might even be able to watch it without cringing.

Wrong!

Keith’s bloviating “Worst Person in the World” anti-Katie Couric tirade was almost enough to make me turn to Bill O’Reilly. Talk about desperate!

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Is Olbermann Turning Into O’Reilly? 
By Madeleine Begun Kane

In the past I cheered Olbermann’s rants—
Loved his anti-war, anti-Bush stance.
But misogynous bluster
Is all he can muster
In Olbermann’s mirror-romance.

Technorati Tags: Olbermann Humor, O’Reilly Verse, Couric Limerick, Countdown, MSNBC, Misogyny Satire, Media Humor