Random thoughts and Blogroll Amnesty Day

What do you mean you've never heard of Blogroll Amnesty Day? Apparently on this day bigger blogs are asked to link to smaller blogs to help them out. Happy to oblige. So after some random thoughts I'll plug a few.

I have President Obama's exclusive private email address. It is britneyspears@gmail.com.

I'm loving LOST this year but starting to get the vibe that the last episode will be Bob Newhart waking up from a bad dream in Hawaii.

Al Michaels should call every Superbowl, every World Series, every World Cup, Masters Tournament, LaCrosse championship.

What on NBC's primetime schedule is remotely as good as that PETA ad they banned?

Suzanne Somers takes 60 pills a day and injects estriol vaginally. She claims to have beaten what she calls "the Seven Dwarfs of Menopause": Itchy, Bitchy, Sleepy, Sweaty, Bloated, Forgetful and All Dried Up. "The Wicked Witch of Acting Ability" has yet to be slayed.

Joe Torre's new book is out today. It's the inside story of his twelve years managing the Yankees. He reveals that Alex Rodriguez also injects estriol vaginally.

Did anybody in their right mind turn off Bruce Springsteen's unbelievable Superbowl halftime show to watch the Wipeout Bowl on ABC?

How come every U.S. President has to have an idiot brother? This week Obama's half brother was arrested on a drug charge. Oh well. In the case of George Bush the idiot brother WAS the President.

Okay, here are the links as I do my part for Blogroll Amnesty Day.

Dirtywatah -- the premiere Red Sox blog

Hoffmania -- very witty political blog updated often and always with the best political cartoons.

Earl Pomerantz -- Terrific comedy writer with a wonderful honest voice

Mark Rothman -- A LAVERNE & SHIRLEY guy joining the ranks with good stuff.

Mike McMann -- Good baseball blog with cool pictures of old parks.

and of course, the first lady of show business (and by that I mean the first lady ever to enter the field)... Tallulah Morehead.

Well, must go. There are so many Blogroll Amnesty Day parties here in Hawaii I don't know where to begin. I just worry how many rowdies will blow their fingers off with homemade fireworks. Happens every year.

The Superbowl ad that NBC banned

For PETA. Personally, I would have banned the annoying one about people who hate their jobs.

Rule #1 if you want to be a comedy writer

My recent post on all the schlock direct-to-video movies elicited this comment from “Dave”: What's even sadder about these is that you took the time to write down all the cover copy.

Not only did I take the time to do that, when I first went into Blockbuster I didn’t have a pen & paper so made a special trip back to jot down the info.

Rule #1 if you want to be a comedy writer: learn to think funny.

Always be on the lookout for absurdity or irony or just general goofiness. So when you’re browsing through the shelves of Blockbuster and you happen upon WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY? it strikes your eye. My guess is two hundred people before me read the title and just moved on.

There are websites where people report funny snatches of dialogue they overhear on the street of big cities. Do you pay attention to that when you’re out for a stroll? I bet funny things were said within your earshot just as good or better than what’s listed on those sites. But you have to listen, develop a comic radar. As an experiment go to a crowded mall, just take a seat in the courtyard, and listen as people walk by.

When George Lucas told Carrie Fisher she couldn’t wear a bra during STAR WARS because there is “no underwear in space”, how many other actors would have taken that at face value?

Comedy is all around you. It’s misspelled tattoos, it’s CELEBRITY FIT CLUB, Bank of America commercials offering “risk free” bonds, Speedos, Golden Globes, KFC meals in a bowl, beauty pageants, THE VIEW, life lessons from Teri Hatcher, Rush Limbaugh drug problems, and movie titles like ZOMBIE STRIPPERS.

Watch for them. You’ll become a much better comedy writer (or stand up comic) and if nothing else, you’ll go through life damn entertained.

The "Lost" CHEERS

This is my Superbowl tradition (even in Hawaii where the pre game shows began at midnight) -- to present the "Lost scene of CHEERS". It's especially apropos this year since NBC is carrying the game.

My partner, David Isaacs and I wrote it, it was seen by EIGHTY MILLION people, (almost double the audience of the final episode of CHEERS)… then never shown again.. I’m not even sure if a copy of the film still exists. And after being buried for over twenty years, here’s the lost script of that scene.

Backstory: People forget but Cheers wasn’t always an enormous hit. The first season’s ratings (1982-83) were terrible…as in “dead last”. In today’s world both the CW and Univision would kick our ass. In an effort to get better exposure NBC asked if we’d do a special scene to be aired sometime during the Superbowl pre game show. Pete Axthelm (pictured), the distinguished sports columnist for Newsweek and gambling tout for the Peacock agreed to appear. David and I banged out the scene. NBC aired it…right before kick-off. Talk about a good time slot.

Enjoy, trivia buffs:

FADE IN:

INT. BAR – EARLY AFTERNOON

CARLA, CLIFF AND NORM ARE AT THE TABLE WATCHING TELEVISION. SAM IS AT THE BAR. DIANE ENTERS.

DIANE
Morning everyone.

EVERYONE AD LIBS HELLO’S.

DIANE
You boys are here early today.

NORM
Superbowl Sunday, Diane. The only reason for living…not found in a mug.

CLIFF
We’re early because we gotta catch all twelve hours of the Superbowl pre-game show.

CARLA
Started off this morning with the Superbowl Mass. Moved right into NFL ’82.

SAM
The next hour they’re going to trace the family tree of every player on both sides.

DIANE
Ah, the big game. An American tradition. These athletes will test themselves for all they’re worth. They’ll spit farther than they’ve ever spat before. They’ll scratch in places no man has ever dared to scratch. That is entertainment.

CLIFF
Yeah. Superbowl Seventeen. Or as the French would say it, (IN JOHN’S UNIQUE FRENCH ACCENT) “Superbowl Seventeen”.

PETE AXTHELM ENTERS AND APPROACHES THE BAR.

PETE
(TO SAM) Excuse me. Do you have a phone here? I’ve got the only bookmaker on the planet that I can’t get in touch with on Superbowl Sunday.

SAM
Yeah, it’s down the hall.

CARLA
Hey, you’re Pete Axthelm.

PETE
That depends on whether you want to thank me or hit me for my selections this year.

SAM
Welcome to Cheers.

EVERYONE EXCEPT DIANE ACKNOWLEDGES HIM.

CLIFF
Hey, how come you’re not out there in Pasadena?

PETE
I should be. It’s the last time I book a flight through Jimmy the Greek’s travel agency.

DIANE
Excuse me my ignorance, but I don’t know this gentleman. Will you introduce us?

SAM
This is Pete Axthelm. Pete’s the NBC house tout. Picks all the big games. He’s even right every now and then.

PETE
Actually I’m always right. It’s the players and referees that screw it up.

DIANE
Oh, I see. You predict football games.

PETE
That’s right.

DIANE
Oh what a worthy profession. I hope they pay you more than scientists and judges.

EVERYONE REACTS TO DIANE: “HEY, THAT ISN’T FAIR”, “LIGHTEN UP”, “COME ON, DIANE”, ETC.

DIANE
Pardon me, but it just seems ridiculous how you people place so much importance on the outcome of one silly little football game.

THEY CHIDE HER AGAIN: “AW, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND”, etc.

NORM
So Pete, forget about her, tell us who you like.

PETE
Well, I’m still feeding it all into my delicate computer – it’s a tough one, but I gotta start with that great Miami defense…

DIANE
Miami?! Are you crazy?! That Thiesman person will pick them apart. You call him a prophet?

EVERYONE STARTS TAKING SIDES. A GIANT ARGUMENT ENSUES ON WHO’S GOING TO WIN.

PETE
What’s going on?

NO REACTION.

PETE
Hey, what’s the name of this place?

EVERYONE
Cheers.

THEY ALL GO BACK TO THEIR ARGUMENT.

PETE
(INTO CAMERA) Lots of abuse. I love it. My kind of place. You only find true peace at racetracks and saloons.

FADE OUT.

If you've never seen VOLUNTEERS...

I talk a lot about VOLUNTEERS (just this week). I actually saw it again recently for the first time in probably ten years. I was prepared to hit "stop" at any time but surprisingly I liked it more than I did when it first came out. For the most part it seems to hold up. It's no LOVE GURU but it does have its moments.

Here's the trailer. I know what you're thinking -- not enough pratfalls.

Wanna find a writing partner?

Aloha. I’m going to use this Friday question day to do a little experiment.

Someone who didn’t leave his name asks:

Where is the best place to find a comedy writing partner if you don't know anyone personally or have contacts? Are there online forums for aspiring comedy writers?

So if you do find a partner will the credit read “Written by Joe Blow & Anonymous”?

Writing classes is the best source to meet potential collaborators. I think a couple of people from one of my Sitcom Room seminars have hooked up. I’m proud or take no responsibility depending on how it turns out.

Ask the instructors. Sometimes they can be good matchmakers.

Hang out anywhere you can network with other writers. Westside Starbucks are always popular (if you live in Los Angeles. I doubt many Starbucks patrons in Kalamazoo are working on their spec WORST WEEKS.) Sometimes show runners speak on panels at colleges, conferences, or the Guild. Attend and schmooze (and possibly learn something from the panel). However, if you go to the Comic-Con convention hoping to snare a partner, don’t dress in any costume.

I’ve heard that the WGA has held speed dating type events for finding writing partners. I did a post on that last year.

I’m sure Facebook and MySpace have tons of writing groups. Your favorite sitcom must have a website with forums. You might snare someone through that.

Gravitate towards funny people. Frequent comedy clubs. Take improv classes.

I met my partner in the army. But until you see comedy writing as a recruiting campaign look for other avenues.

So here’s the experiment, which might be fun or a huge bust): I’m inviting anyone who is interested in finding a partner to post your info in today’s comments section. A little about who you are, where you are, what genre you want to write, and contact info.

Good luck. Maybe the next Blow-Anonymous team will be discovered right here.

How to get to Hollywood on AMERICAN IDOL

It’s EASY!! All you have to do is just....

Be an attractive girl between the ages of 17 and 22.

Wear your hair like the Flock of Seagulls.

Have one of your arms completely tattooed.

Dress kooky. Homeless/rocker/chic/Hillary Duff

Reveal that one parent is in prison and the other is dead (killed in a particularly gruesome way. Be creative.)

Have two kids already.

Be raising them alone.

One is very sick. A mystery disease worthy of HOUSE.

Whichever grandmother raised you died recently… on your birthday. Her last words were “win AMERICAN IDOL so my life will not have been in vain.”

Music is the only thing that saved you from becoming a prostitute or working at Applebee’s.

You live in a dirt poor small town and have to walk everywhere.

You don't have shoes.

Kara has always been your idol. (Learn how to pronounce her name)

You can cry on demand.

You can sing (although this last one is just optional).

Good luck. See ya in Hollywood!

How to memorize scripts Pt 2

Here’s another installment in how actors memorize scripts. These come from actors you know. As you’ll see, no two methods are even remotely similar.

Actor 1:

The repetition from rehearsals is very helpful. But, of course, on "Cheers" we had lots of changes. That's why starting in the middle of the week was so constructive.

I could study during the weekend. I would mark the common consonants, like the "t"s or the "s"s or whatever. Sometimes the letters were near alphabetical, but even if they weren't the consonants gave me a landmark in my long paragraphs.

********************************

Actor 2:

When memorizing lines, I make it a rule to lay off xanax or klonopin.

Most shows aren't that good, so it's difficult to stay awake anyway. Usually, I read the whole script first so I understand the story. Then, I sit in a chair in the corner of my bedroom and literally memorize page by page, reading each line and the cues, and then by putting my hand over my lines (i.e. covering up my lines) and trying to say them. It helps me to say them out loud.

I stay with each page until I can do the whole page and then move on. In a long play, I aim at only five pages a day. For plays, I also like to know my lines as soon as possible, even before we start, even though a lot of directors don't approve of that (because, they believe, you get locked in to line readings. I disagree- particularly in a really wordy play. I think if you know the lines really well you can say them in any way that occurs to you during rehearsal.

I also like to go over my lines in my head wandering around the street - if I can do them with all the distractions of the city - then I really know them, even though you look pretty stupid to all the people passing you by .

It has to be a little faster for film and tv - although I do the same things. It helps me to imagine the blocking, even if what I imagine doesn't always turn out to be correct.

Honestly, I'm not particularly good at memorizing. I know people who are dazzlingly fast - they can read down a page and they've pretty much got it. They almost never sit in a corner somewhere and work on it... just by rehearsing and osmosis they get it. Alec Baldwin's ability to memorize fast is astounding. Somehow, they see the page in their head.

A bunch of people hire assistants to constantly grill the lines - I don't usually do that but it's really common.

**************************

Actor 3:


Hi Ken,

It is fairly easy for me to memorize lines at this point.

Normally, there is an objective to whatever I am saying in a scene (ie: I know what I want to say) so the lines are obvious to learn.

Sometimes it is harder when there is a long speech. That is harder to learn - I have to make sense of it for me then just say it over and over until I know it in my sleep.

I have little clues for memorizing too: if I have to remember a list of things in a speech I remember the first letter of each word.

The hardest lines to remember are those in another language.

More next week. I hope it’s not just me, but I find this stuff fascinating.

Hey, what happened to the other post???

Okay, at least I was honest. This is not my original post for the day. It was a review of Tuesday night's AMERICAN IDOL, which I confessed up front that I did not see. But since the show has become so formula I took a stab at it anyway. Only problem is, I thought it was Hollywood Week and it's not. So I'll save that for when it's more appropriate and instead offer this.
I rarely get to Blockbuster rentals but since I’m on vacation and the alternative is local Hawaiian news delivered by hard-hitting anchors in aloha shirts I thought I’d swing by and pick up a movie or two. Wow. For every release I had heard of there had to be at least three direct-to-video DVD’s I hadn’t. Here these gems never got major distribution I will never know. But here are a few of my favorites. Note: these are actual titles and tag lines. I’m not making any of this up.

FATHER OF THE KAMIKA – “Official Selection 1974 Geijyutsusa Arts Festival”.

HAROLD – about a teen with a receding hairline. Starring Oscar winner, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Nikki Blonsky.

INTERCEPTION – “A Clay Brothers Film”. Who????

IN THE GUTTER – with cover art featuring a guy coming out of a toilet.

I REALLY HATE MY JOB – starring Neve Campbell. So that’s what happened to her.

THE LAST KLEZMER -- most of the direct-to-video movies are action-thrillers so I have to assume this one is too.

LOWER LEARNING – starring Eva Longoria before she got famous. Heaven help any TV star who once had to pay the bills.

NINJA CHEERLEADERS – “Fight to Cheer Another Day”

PIRATES OF THE SALT LAKES – “Pirate Talk so Salty, You Won’t Believe Your Buccaneers”

RAISING JEFFREY DAHMER

RIM SHOT – starring Mr. Magic

SHUT UP AND SHOOT – Featuring Gary Busey and Tom Sizemore. Their probation officers must now also be their agents.

SUNDAY SCHOOL MUSICAL

STRIPPER ACADEMY – “Higher Learning Just Got Hotter”

SUPERBADAZZ – “Gotta Dollar Bill Ya’ll?”

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS – featuring Jenna Jamison. “They’ll Dance for a Fee, But Devour You for Free”.

WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY? -- “The Movie that Santa Doesn’t Want You to See.”

And finally…

KENNY – From what I understand a popular Australian comedy. But the movie that is my namesake is about a guy who cleans toilets. The tagline is – “He’s Number One with Your Number Two”. Class-eee. Oh well. At least one reviewer called it “the Citizen Kane of Romantic Comedies About Sewage”.