Wonkette

America’s new Ted Kennedy, Senator Scott Brown, just can’t stop himself from enraging the tri-corner Internet lamers who rallied nationwide to help him defeat some Democrat lady who didn’t even really try to win. Brown’s latest treachery was voting to stop Republicans from preventing passage of the middle-of-the-road Financial Regulation bill. HOW COULD HE DO THIS WE THOUGHT HE LOVED THE REAL PRO-AMERICA AMERICA, etc. Let’s see how his “Facebook Wall” is standing up to the great patriotic Internet Lamer assault of July 2010. MORE »

• Actual paranoid schizophrenic candidate Ernest J. Pagels spoke with your Wonkette between praise and worship sessions for his anti-pornography god, Urine.
• Bubblegum-Pop fans “The Taliban” love the Monkees so much they recruited all of them, for terrorism.
• With the FCC’s indecency regulations SHUT THE FUCK DOWN by some court somewhere, Wonkette’s fucking Weeping Eagle Awards were finally able to be fucking broadcast.
• David Vitter was born again! Not just because he is an adult baby, but also as a birther! As a recent convert to Birtherism, he believes the courts should take care of this birth-certificate mess, so he can get back to spending time pooping with his mother (prostitute).
• Sarah Palin’s secret sin-cushions were finally revealed in this Da Vinci code-style coded message.
• Since Hollywood is going bananas greenlighting gross movies, Wonkette is seeking to option our own disgusting Ayn Rand property. Sarah Palin will play herself, for fame, but who will play Ayn Rand? Tyler Perry, obviously.
• Plagiarist hack Michele Bachman ripped off an idea, Biden-style, from the great Rand Paul. She also spoke out on the very “hot-button” issue of slavery, which she has finally settled for good.

John Boehner had a meeting with a bunch of business lobbyists today, and after coming out of it, he immediately told the world “his” great idea to enact a moratorium on new federal regulations for a year. (You are supposed to wait until Monday so these things seem like new policy ideas, not something the lobbyists told you to do, John.) Boehner set this meeting up with Illinois Republicans Aaron Schock (Hottie) and Peter Roskam (Nottie), and the big news was that business lobbyists really don’t care for many of Obama’s policies! MORE »

Sen. Harry Reid has finished ahead of his Teabagger/Republican opponent Sharron Angle for the first time in his re-election campaign, so if Republicans are not already kicking themselves for nominating a crazy instead of a bland, they are now. Harry Reid was once written off, but Angle has allowed him to catch up by admitting some of her beliefs, and also Reid has a competent staff that can make media hay out of such things. But Angle is not admitting defeat yet! (Shut up, media. Of course she isn’t. The election is in November.) MORE »

We have infiltrated TeamSarah.org, the Internet’s top repository of Sarah Palin crap, and boy oh boy is it majestic. There are 35,000 blog posts to be written about what is in this thing. But we have to start somewhere. So how about presenting you with some of the site’s very best Sarah Palin poetry, which seems to be a common hobby for these people, along with some photos of Trig they’ve piled up? MORE »

Apparently everyone decided yesterday was the start of the 2012 presidential election, and Mark Halperin of Time (or as Politico calls it, “Time” magazine, snarkily) reported that a “Romney intimate” (GROSS!) does not believe Sarah Palin is a “’serious human being,” correctly. So Politico called up a Palin intimate (ALSO GROSS), and that person does not like these comments at all! The person called it “frankly immature,” and probably knows something about frank immaturity, being a “longtime Palin aide.” And thus we have an election on our hands. MORE »

Sometimes people ask me, “Sara Benincasa, how do you find the time to stalk Barry O. when you live in New York City, not in the swampy deathquake that is the District of Columbia?” The answer is that I telecommute, using the Internets! Once a week on the White House Blog, someone by the name of Arun Chaudhary posts an installment of my favorite pornographic serial, West Wing Week. Someone (maybe it is Arun?) gives each episode a name! This is so adorable. This week’s name is “6 Principals.” MORE »

Oh look, it’s our favorite blog, host.madison.com/wsj/news/
local/govt_and_politics/blog. We’ll just take a look-see at what’s happening at the old blog this morn — OH GOD. “Dear Wonkette: We love you so. But we have some terrible news for you. Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. is not actually a candidate for U.S. Senate in Wisconsin.” It seems Pagels somehow failed to get in his required nomination signatures before the deadline, so he will not be on the ballot. But we called Ernest, and he plans to move forward. He is a candidate for U.S. Senate. AND WE WILL MOVE FORWARD TOGETHER. MORE »

Your Wonkette just tried to sign up for TeamSarah.org, to learn more about “American values in action” and make some new friends, and the sign-up page told us to type in the words “new whoppers” to make the anti-spam captcha thingie Go Boom. MORE »

West Virginia Gov. Joe Manchin is “tapping” his 36-year-old former chief counsel Carte Goodwin to hold Robert Byrd’s Senate seat smokin’ hot for him until Manchin runs for it himself in a special election in November. So this Carte man will be the one to vote to continue your unemployment benefits, sexily, though not quite as sexily as Byrd did. Surprisingly, Goodwin is currently a practicing lawyer and just happens to come from a “prominent West Virginia family” (barons of the muskrat industry). [AP]

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Has the long, oily nightmare of oil spewing out of the Earth’s crust in the Gulf of Mexico finally ended? Maybe! BP seems to think so, and they sure haven’t been wrong on this point yet. But even if the actual petroleum-puking is at an end, we need to assess and clean up the long-term damage all this crude has done. There’s the all the birds who are covered with oil and everything and blah blah blah — but, more important, what has the oil spill done to America’s sexytime sex activities? Terrible things, it turns out. MORE »

If you’ve managed to stay interested in the whole long, sordid tale of John Edwards, with the cancer and the lies and the infidelity and the new-agers and the bastard children and the aides with creepy hero-worship complexes and the anilingus sex tapes, then you’re probably thinking, “Boy howdy, someone should make this into a movie! I’d sure watch that!” Well, it’s already been made into a movie, dummy, by John Edwards, when he was performing the aforementioned sex act on the aforementioned new ager, and then Andrew Young just showed it to journalists, to make them uncomfortable. But now it’s being cleaned up and made into a movie that you could take your grandmother to (if you hate her) by West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin, and the script is based on the book written Edwards victim/fall guy/slave Andrew Young. (The only person handsome/hateable enough to play Edwards is Tom Cruise, by the way.) MORE »

Minnesota marvel Michele Bachmann has filed papers to form the “House Tea Party Caucus” to promote “the timeless principles of our founding,” reports MinnPost.com. Hey, Rand Paul was just talking about forming a Tea Party Caucus in the Senate, if he gets elected! Looks like Bachmann has derived a little inspiration from the most visionary-est vision doctor in Kentuckyland. But wasn’t she ashamed of him just a few weeks ago? MORE »

Every day, President Obama wakes up beside Rahm Emanuel (they are both naked) and wonders how he can force you stupid fucks to retroactively abort your children. This is his primary goal, as Commander-in-Chief. And then he gets up and does other things. One of the things “he” (as in the slaves he employs) has been up to lately is getting in the way of Clean Coal Energy. MORE »