Wonkette

This morning you took a gasoline shower, ate a coal donut, and went off to work in your Hummer thinking your country was safely ranked #1 in the world. YOU THOUGHT WRONG. It turns out China is now tops when it comes to consuming the world’s energy, which is our most important job as Americans. How will we tell our children that the United States now burns less energy than Red China? MORE »

Some doctor man (don’t get near Glenn Beck!) wrote about Dick Cheney’s Polly Pocket robot heart in today’s The New York Times, and it turns out Dick Cheney no longer has a pulse, though he is stubbornly still alive. Dick Cheney’s blood now just flows continually, like the River Styx. He doesn’t need your lowly “pumping!” Cheney will probably be “urged to wear bracelets or other identifications to alert emergency room doctors” as to why he has no pulse, as it probably won’t be the first reason that comes to mind. MORE »

Great news for unemployed Americans: Many of us are probably Top Secret Intelligence Agents, for the Government. Don’t worry if you’re not really doing much — nobody else is, either. And nobody knows that everybody else is an Intel Asset, or if they know, they don’t know who, exactly, is an Intel Asset. Relax! Submit a report now and then, “to your supervisor.” Have you heard about something funny going on, maybe via Twitter or whatever? Good enough for the CIA or FBI or Military Intelligence (ha) or Universal Exports or The Politico. MORE »

Andrew Breitbart is here once again to save the day, this time to show us that the NAACP is racist, NOT Teabaggers. “The NAACP and the Congressional Black Caucus do not want racial harmony. They want political victory, and the race card is their Strativarius [sic],” he writes, hilariously. The NAACP wants to take out their main political opponents, the Teabaggers, by playing classical music on rare, expensive violins. But SORRY BLACK PEOPLE, Breitbart has stopped the NAACP once and for all, as he has his hands on the AMAZING racism video that will destroy their association for the advancement of colored people. MORE »

Do you find yourself to be “gay and Jewish,” but wish you could shake the “gay” part? Well, then just remove your pants, stand in front of this mirror and stroke yourself for me, and you’ll be the lady-romancing “Eric Cantor” of your local shul before you know it! The senior counselor for JONAH, (Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality … no, really!), the nation’s largest Jewish “pray away the gay” group, which actually exists, has been caught using extremely creative and sexually abusive methods to de-gay his clients. MORE »

Oooh, it’s her SECOND ad! This is a major event! Yes, Margaret Anderson Kelliher is the Democratic (”DFL” in Minnesota’s Canadian speak) endorsed candidate for governor of Minnesota, and as you can see from this ad, she is running against Tim Pawlenty, future president of us all. Except Tim Pawlenty is not running for governor, because he wants to be unemployed like Sarah Palin. But even more confusing is this drive-thru conceit. Why don’t these evil Minnesotans want the bags of money this place is giving out? Are they rich elitists? MORE »

Glenn Beck came to Salt Lake City to talk about the Jesus and the America and the Socialism for a stadium spectacular and confided in the crowd of idiots who paid money to see their favorite radio and teevee person that he is maybe going to be blind. “Only Glenn Beck could make a crowd of 6,000 fans laugh while talking about how he may be going blind,” the Deseret News put it, wrongly, as just about anyone could make a crowd of 6,000 people laugh about Glenn Beck going blind. But of course in addition to the lolz there was a whole lot of Glenn Beck crying, which is probably what is causing his vision disease anyway. MORE »

The Federal Election Commission has ordered Joe Biden’s 2008 presidential campaign (ha!) to pay $219,000 back to the government after finding good ol’ Joe made some record-keeping errors, used someone’s charter plane without paying as much as he should have for it, and somehow raised too much money from some people. Yes, the campaign that barely managed to outraise Dennis Kucinich and Mike Gravel collected too much money from some of its inspired supporters. MORE »

Free Washington Metro Station paper The Politico exists for one reason: To sell advertising to D.C. lobbying firms and interest groups so that D.C. government professionals will see the ads while flipping through the tabloid on the way to work. “Oh,” the cubicle-bound factotum with the graduate degree in public policy will mumble to him/herself between fantasies of having sex with Ke$ha and/or the cast of Twilight, “Saudi Arabia is leading the way in something or other.” But the Politico also pretends that this same “D.C. Elite” is somehow separate/different from “the exact demographic of The Politico.” That’s why this new poll is such big news: Educated, employed white-collar Washington seems to have a rosier view of things than uneducated, unemployed blue-collar America At Large. Shouldn’t Sarah Palin just become president, because of this? MORE »

So, Our Lady of Ginger Devotion Maureen Dowd wrote about how the Molesty Church says the attempted priestification of ladies is pretty much just as bad as making out with infants. And for the first time in the history of Reblogging Maureen, MoDo reached out and grabbed my heart. You know why? Because she’s pissed off, and she means it, and she cares, and you can smell it coming off the page. And she hit a raw spot inside me that even Goo Gone cannot heal. MORE »

Remember the very beginning of Ayn’s adventures? Life was so simple then. Sure, she’s had her share of scraps since, but today she must face off against her most terrible opponent, an angry mama grizzly! Will she survive Allah’s ultimate Xtreme Challenge?! MORE »

America’s first Alvin Greene “action dolls” were unveiled over the weekend, thanks to the combined powers of Alvin Greene’s all-powerful mind and the Charleston RiverDogs minor-league baseball team. Together, they are saving the American economy one bobble at a time. Problem is, neither Greene nor South Carolina’s political establishment likes the doll –a golden, male Statue of Liberty figurine with a paper copy of Greene’s face half-assedly stuck on with tape. “They could have done a better job than that,” Greene told CBS News, hinting that the ‘Dogs should refudiate their creation. Maybe Greene would prefer the prototype created by the Wonkette design team! MORE »

Instead of her usual jogging and preparing salads for America’s fat kids, Michelle Obama took a little vacation down on the Gulf Coast last week to meet with business and community leaders and talk about how our love of driving Escalades around aimlessly on hot summer days, for fun, has ruined the South’s prime sunbathing region. Michelle pointed out that it is not her job to save the Gulf Coast from disaster — she has a childhood obesity epidemic to defeat and stylish clothes to buy! It’s up to the rest of America to preserve Spring Break towns for future generations, and this means listening to Michelle when she tells us that not all the beaches are covered in seagull heaps and dolphin carcasses, and for this reason we should all “come down here and spend some money.” MORE »

Jedi master Alvin Greene has destroyed his political opposition by not destroying his political opposition, and has accomplished more by simply sitting in peace and mindfulness than the most powerful campaign machine has accomplished with the usual clumsy blunt force tactics of “fund raising” and “advertising.” But who is the bigger fool? The fool, or the fool who follows him? Watch in amazement as Alvin Greene does that which he once renounced through Not Doing. MORE »