Wonkette

Have you been waiting up all day and night waiting for Washington firebrand Wolf Blitzer’s take on the whole Shirley Sherrod bogus wingnut video White House embarrassment outrage scandal thing, on Wolf Blitzer’s Twitter? Here, America. Now heal. [Wolf Blitzer's Twitter]

Tucker Carlson continued to spew out allegations against the sinister libruls on the late JournoList today, and so this dumb “controversy” and media navel-gazing rage on. But why hasn’t anybody reported on the fact that the Internet’s boyfriend NATE SILVER was ALSO ON THIS JOURNOLIST?!?!?!?! HMM? HMM? This story is being buried! Nate Silver is just as important as the other liberal media people! So after waiting FOREVER, Nate Silver decided he has to insert himself in this circle-jerk HIMSELF, as nobody else will criticize him and his little personal e-mails. MORE »

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs apologized to Shirley Sherrod “on behalf of this entire administration” in his daily briefing, which Sherrod “watched live on CNN.” Gibbs said Vilsack is “trying to reach her” to talk and apologize to her. Sherrod, like a true champ, said the administration has her phone number and knows how to get in touch. As of now, Tom Vilsack is still your Secretary of Agriculture and Shirley Sherrod has no job. MORE »

RNC Treasurer Randy Pullen dropped a line to members of the party’s budget committee yesterday just to let them know Michael Steele has hidden about $7 million in debt from him lately. This made the RNC’s “war chest” (boobs) look bigger than usual, so this was a job well done by Mike. However, that is not exactly legal, so the party could face huge fines from the Federal Election Commission for doing this. Fun! Hope that $7 million in debt was spent on only the best lesbian sex shows! MORE »

• Just when you thought that everything was returning to normal in the Black Gulf (OMG IS THAT RACIST?!? PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME GREAT AND POWERFUL EDITOR KEN LAYNE!!11!! BREITBART CAN HAZ TEH VIDEOS!) there appears to be a tropical death-storm forming in the Caribbean Sea. Presently it has a 60% chance of forming into a tropical death-storm. Where will it go? Just like the cleanup operations, nobody knows — but it will likely crash into Florida or end up stirring shit up in the Gulf. MORE »

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Wednesday, July 21: Maybe you care that today is Feestag, the Belgian copy of the French copy of the 4th of July? Of course you do, because Real Americans love using other countries’ celebrations of freedom as excuses to drink, regardless of what/where actually happened. Brasserie Beck is celebrating Belgium Day tonight from 5-9PM with an all-you-can-drink-and-eat menu that includes some of their normally pricey drafts for $45. [Brasserie Beck] MORE »

• Put on your PUMAs everybody, because Hillary Clinton is running for President! She made her official announcement over the weekend in the traditional style of a female, via her coiffure (which means “hairdo” in Arabic.) [Fox Nation]
• Lindsay Graham loves partial-birth abortions so much, he legally forced them on all children, by voting for Elena Kagan. [Gateway Pundit]
• Obama personally spent $50,000 of your tax money so that an illegal alien (Xenu) could feel less ashamed of his manhood in the locker room of his local YMCA. [Human Events]
• John Stossel is very confused about immigration. If only he had some sort of mechanism for processing information and then coming to an informed conclusion. A brain, maybe?[Fox News]
• Ironic hipsters Us Weekly decided to place an interview with Bristol and Levi in their “Healthy Lifestyle” section of their site, because there is nothing healthier than unprotected, underage babymaking. [Us]

Hillary Clinton visited the DMZ today to point and say, “That thing over there? That thing is going to pay for what it is doing.” The hot new 2010 edition of U.S. sanctions against North Korea were announced and took a turn on the runway. What’s in fashion this year? “She said the measures would target Pyongyang’s sale and purchase of arms and import of luxury goods, and would help prevent nuclear proliferation.” Good idea, but this will of course somehow just result in more poor people starving. MORE »

Have you downloaded Al Qaeda’s new summer jam PDF online magazine? No? Maybe that is because a) you’re not really “trying to decide whether to join the jihad against the West,” or b) the magazine sucks. Slate’s Christopher Beam, last seen taking Liz Cheney’s Weeping Eagle Award home from a bar, has some helpful advice for the publishers of Al Qaeda’s Inspire. Like, you dumbasses, have you heard of HTML, or blogging? Who wants to download a 67-page PDF? Is Al Qaeda trying to kill us all by inkjet depletion? MORE »

It took more than a day for the media to figure out that Andrew Breitbart was just making a dumb ploy to make the NAACP look racist for a video that wasn’t damning at all. Somehow they did not know he was terrible and hates reality and does not care whose life he ruins in the name of being a poop-leech. But now this has happened, and he has of course decided to use the moment to get himself on the teevee even though he has absolutely no ground to stand on. His solution: How does one know anything is true? DO NOT TRY TO GO ALVIN GREENE ON US, SCUMBAG. MORE »

Remember when George W. Bush invited the leaders of Planned Parenthood and NARAL to the signing of his anti-abortion law? He did this because he was in the business of building bridges to his political opponents. But now the important objective newspaper The Washington Post (an offshore tax shelter run by the Kaplan Test Prep Corporation) has revealed that Obama has no such dedication to bipartisanship. He has revealed this terrible failing by not inviting the “titans of Wall Street” to the signing of his popular financial reform bill, for the extremely petty reason that they did not support the bill, and actually spent a great deal of money trying to prevent it from being passed. MORE »

And how did the White House managers react to Shirley Sherrod being fired from the USDA because Andrew Breitbart fucked around with a video he found somewhere? High Fives all around, according to Politico’s Ben Smith. During Tuesday morning’s staff meeting, White House deputy chief of staff Jim Messina reportedly said, “We could have waited all day — we could have had a media circus — but we took decisive action and it’s a good example of how to respond in this atmosphere.” Uh, yeah dude. [Ben Smith]

Michele Bachmann is back with the latest episode of her Wonkette Special Commentary, “Hot Topix With Michele Bachmann.” What is she so concerned about, today? Oh, there’s some bogus wingnut teabagger scandal that can be awkwardly turned against … black people? Why is America so racist against its downtrodden whites? It’s as if Martin Luther Doctor King never even fought the Civil War to protect whites. MORE »

America’s founders clearly intended for us to go to church daily or even hourly, and they also clearly intended for us to carry concealed weapons at all times; therefore, it seems logical that the 1st and 2nd amendments should be read as a seamless whole, indicating that, while we pray to the American Jesus, we should have a firearm hidden somewhere on our person. Restoring this basic truth has been a recent enthusiasm of gun rights crusaders, with several legislative victories in our more shoot-y states, Louisiana is among them! But does Louisiana’s law go far enough? Apparently not, as a cabal of men in dresses is stopping the state’s papists from packing heat while participating in the church’s traditional rituals of simulated cannibalism. MORE »