Wonkette

The Tea Party Express crew is NOT PLEASED that the National Tea Party Federation has kicked them out of their coalition for standing by their hero warrior Mark Williams and his “satirical” things about “coloreds.” So a bunch of their ranks piled into their official, fancy eagle-covered blunder-bus and drove up to Alaska to have a press conference about how angry they are, and also maybe try to “cool their jets” in the cool Alaskan breezes. Some special guests tagged along! (Anger-bear photo = HINT.) MORE »

More proof that Wonkette readers are the best and most attractive readers on the whole Internets! A casual mention that we aren’t up on any of the hilarious goings-on in today’s Georgia primary immediately gets us a tip from hero commenter TJBeck that we should take a good, hard look at one “Jody Hice.” Just going to his website rewards the reader with the awesomely composited hunk of Flash animation above, with the candidate and the swooping eagle and the real corporeal flag and the ghostly spirit flag behind it, all emerging from sort of dimensional portal, all set to dramatic orchestral music. But are there YouTube videos, you’re probably asking? With CGI’d words swooping around nauseatingly? Oh, yes, there are YouTube videos. MORE »

Wait, what’s this? A newish web-sight from Our American Prezzzident? It is called Healthcare.gov, and it is a special place where you and your best friends can learn more about interesting things. Did you know that it is foolish to eat congealed bacon grease for every meal and then whine about how you can’t fit into a string bikini at your local oily beach of doom? MORE »

• With handsome devil Carte Goodwin scheduled to be sworn in as Robert Byrd’s seat-warming replacement sometime today, Democrats (plus the reliable communist ladies from Maine) should be able to break the Republican filibuster and get that lucrative government money flowing to the unemployed again, huzzah! Plus they plan to spend the whole midterm campaigning telling the millions of jobless that John Boehner personally kept their checks in his office so that they couldn’t be mailed out. MORE »

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Aww, look at the nice old couple dancing to the oldies on this nice cruise ship, in space. Who are they, anyway? MORE »

This morning you took a gasoline shower, ate a coal donut, and went off to work in your Hummer thinking your country was safely ranked #1 in the world. YOU THOUGHT WRONG. It turns out China is now tops when it comes to consuming the world’s energy, which is our most important job as Americans. How will we tell our children that the United States now burns less energy than Red China? MORE »

Some doctor man (don’t get near Glenn Beck!) wrote about Dick Cheney’s Polly Pocket robot heart in today’s The New York Times, and it turns out Dick Cheney no longer has a pulse, though he is stubbornly still alive. Dick Cheney’s blood now just flows continually, like the River Styx. He doesn’t need your lowly “pumping!” Cheney will probably be “urged to wear bracelets or other identifications to alert emergency room doctors” as to why he has no pulse, as it probably won’t be the first reason that comes to mind. MORE »

Great news for unemployed Americans: Many of us are probably Top Secret Intelligence Agents, for the Government. Don’t worry if you’re not really doing much — nobody else is, either. And nobody knows that everybody else is an Intel Asset, or if they know, they don’t know who, exactly, is an Intel Asset. Relax! Submit a report now and then, “to your supervisor.” Have you heard about something funny going on, maybe via Twitter or whatever? Good enough for the CIA or FBI or Military Intelligence (ha) or Universal Exports or The Politico. MORE »

Andrew Breitbart is here once again to save the day, this time to show us that the NAACP is racist, NOT Teabaggers. “The NAACP and the Congressional Black Caucus do not want racial harmony. They want political victory, and the race card is their Strativarius [sic],” he writes, hilariously. The NAACP wants to take out their main political opponents, the Teabaggers, by playing classical music on rare, expensive violins. But SORRY BLACK PEOPLE, Breitbart has stopped the NAACP once and for all, as he has his hands on the AMAZING racism video that will destroy their association for the advancement of colored people. MORE »

Do you find yourself to be “gay and Jewish,” but wish you could shake the “gay” part? Well, then just remove your pants, stand in front of this mirror and stroke yourself for me, and you’ll be the lady-romancing “Eric Cantor” of your local shul before you know it! The senior counselor for JONAH, (Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality … no, really!), the nation’s largest Jewish “pray away the gay” group, which actually exists, has been caught using extremely creative and sexually abusive methods to de-gay his clients. MORE »

Oooh, it’s her SECOND ad! This is a major event! Yes, Margaret Anderson Kelliher is the Democratic (”DFL” in Minnesota’s Canadian speak) endorsed candidate for governor of Minnesota, and as you can see from this ad, she is running against Tim Pawlenty, future president of us all. Except Tim Pawlenty is not running for governor, because he wants to be unemployed like Sarah Palin. But even more confusing is this drive-thru conceit. Why don’t these evil Minnesotans want the bags of money this place is giving out? Are they rich elitists? MORE »

Glenn Beck came to Salt Lake City to talk about the Jesus and the America and the Socialism for a stadium spectacular and confided in the crowd of idiots who paid money to see their favorite radio and teevee person that he is maybe going to be blind. “Only Glenn Beck could make a crowd of 6,000 fans laugh while talking about how he may be going blind,” the Deseret News put it, wrongly, as just about anyone could make a crowd of 6,000 people laugh about Glenn Beck going blind. But of course in addition to the lolz there was a whole lot of Glenn Beck crying, which is probably what is causing his vision disease anyway. MORE »

The Federal Election Commission has ordered Joe Biden’s 2008 presidential campaign (ha!) to pay $219,000 back to the government after finding good ol’ Joe made some record-keeping errors, used someone’s charter plane without paying as much as he should have for it, and somehow raised too much money from some people. Yes, the campaign that barely managed to outraise Dennis Kucinich and Mike Gravel collected too much money from some of its inspired supporters. MORE »

Free Washington Metro Station paper The Politico exists for one reason: To sell advertising to D.C. lobbying firms and interest groups so that D.C. government professionals will see the ads while flipping through the tabloid on the way to work. “Oh,” the cubicle-bound factotum with the graduate degree in public policy will mumble to him/herself between fantasies of having sex with Ke$ha and/or the cast of Twilight, “Saudi Arabia is leading the way in something or other.” But the Politico also pretends that this same “D.C. Elite” is somehow separate/different from “the exact demographic of The Politico.” That’s why this new poll is such big news: Educated, employed white-collar Washington seems to have a rosier view of things than uneducated, unemployed blue-collar America At Large. Shouldn’t Sarah Palin just become president, because of this? MORE »