Wonkette

Oh hai, it’s your friendly neighbor the president, just sittin’ there at the ol’ MacBook. He just designed this fun new meme-generator. Oh, you want to see it? Sure, he can show you how it works. As an example, he will show you his fan-fic version of how our favorite characters Young Barack and Young Michelle would have gotten healthcare from this cool-beans website back in the day. Fun! Next up: how crayons are made. [White House]

Every political party needs an intellectual guru, and 1990s nostalgia act Newt Gingrich is the “Ideas Man” for the GOP establishment when he’s not playing Pearl Jam and Cardigans covers. Some consider Newt a great thinker, perceptive about history and full of “American Solutions for Winning the Future.” This is because 2010 America doesn’t really have thinkers. Instead we have policy nerds and op-ed page n’ teevee boredom-mongers, all of them “intellectuals” because, uh, they go on the teevee and type the op-ed page. They also occasionally write books like Newt’s violent robot novel To Save America: Stopping Obama’s Secular-Socialist Machines, er, we mean, MACHINE, a tale of socialist robots sent from the godless future to kill Ronald Reagan’s ghost. MORE »

Wednesday, July 28 through Saturday, August 14: We’re very happy to report that for the first time in a long-ass time we don’t feel the need to qualify the heat in DC with the term “unbearable.” Hooray, it’s only 95 degrees out! And 27 restaurants in the “Golden Triangle District” — a wonderland of opium, carats and hamburgers — are offering food and drink specials daily after 5PM from now until the middle of August. Go, find a patio, eat, drink and enjoy the bearable heat. [Golden Triangle] MORE »

What have you infidels done this time to infuriate Mahmoud Ahmadinejad so thoroughly? (Trick question, for your very existence forces Ahmadinejad to hate you at all hours of the day.) But his never-ceasing hatred has just been multiplied by infinity, thanks in part to a certain German octopus by the name of Paul, who is worshiped like a false Western prophet because he incorrectly guessed Spain would win the World Cup and not “Death to America.” Ahmadinejad laughs and laughs at your so-called octopus. MORE »

Oh look, actual news: Judge Susan Bolton of Federal District Court in Phoenix has blocked the most controversial parts of Arizona’s popular new immigration law right before it is to take effect, because she hates white people. Bolton has issued “a preliminary injunction against sections that called for police officers to check a person’s immigration status while enforcing other laws and that required immigrants to carry their papers at all times.” Illegal immigrants will celebrate tonight by drinking Chi-Chi’s-brand margarita mix and Doing Taco Night Right with Ortega-brand taco seasoning mix and Old-El-Paso-brand corn-composite taco “shells.” MORE »

• The out-of-control Patriot Act allowed one of Obama’s best friends, a BLACK BEAR, to waltz into some poor family’s home, eat their fruit, and steal one of their most precious toys, ALL WITHOUT A WARRANT. [Daily Intel]
• As predicted in the Bible and on Glenn Beck’s chalkboard, we will all be tattooed with barcodes and microchips sooner or later. In an oddly poetic gesture of cosmic justice, mortgage brokers will be the first to receive the mark of the devil before being cast into hell, forever and ever. [Yahoo]
• Proving for the millionth time that democrats are all sissy latte guzzlers, Nancy Pelosi recruited the fashion designer Diane Von Furstenberg to design the most important tote since the Nina Totin’ Bag. [The Snitch]
• Ex-Fugees member and mega-wonk Wyclef Jean is maybe running for president of Haiti! But where does he stand? Luckily, some geniuses decided that it would be worthwhile to analyze his lyrics to determine his political positions. [Esquire via TheDailyDish]
• A former Shirley Sherrod apologist is absolutely AGHAST to learn that Sherrod might be a tad bit bitter towards Mr. Breitbart, who, you know, just ruined her life last week. [GayPatriot]

Wonkette operative “Evan B.” writes: “The debate over the planned mosque at Ground Zero seems a bit retarded to me; I work directly between the planned mosque and a mosque that has existed before 9/11 and continues to operate to this day. The existing mosque and the proposed mosque are probably 800 feet apart; one city block, let’s say.” This is humorous! LISTEN UP, HATEFUL ASSHOLES: The end is near! The Muslins have already invaded that city you call godless yet love because terrorism happened there! YOU ARE RIGHT TO BE VERY, VERY SCARED AND ANGRY ABOUT THIS! So you have to kill yourselves right now! It is the only way! MORE »

OH MY GOD WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE IF REPUBLICANS DO NOT KILL ALL OF THESE DEMOCRAT SPACE MONSTERS BEFORE THEIR MOTHERSHIP COMES! Yes, like the Democratic Governors Association, the RGA has come up with a movie trailer for this election to rile up their base. And it actually has much higher production value than the Democrats’ movie-thing? And it’s hosted on Vimeo? Oh no, they must have captured a librul and whipped him until he made them this video! MORE »

Absolutely nothing of note is happening in politics today, and it’s sort of hard to blog about nothing. But it is possible, by some sort of mathematical anomaly, to blog about less than nothing, so here we go! The Hill, you see, finds some people more attractive than other people, physically! And so every year it compiles a ranking of this opinion! And also please strike us down now, ye vengeful gods! MORE »

As your Wonkette previously reported, Joan Heffington — Sam Brownback’s GOP primary challenger in the Kansas gubernatorial race — lists GOD as a board member of her advocacy organization, the Association for Honest Attorneys. Among other things, the association wants a constitutional “justice amendment” to make more justice in America. It issues a quarterly newsletter! You can get a copy of it on the association’s website, but in honor of public service journalism we’ve summarized and highlighted some key points. MORE »

Democrats fought hard in 2005 to prevent the Republican majority from using the “nuclear option” to overcome their filibusters, and a mysterious drug gang, the “Gang of 14,” or the “Jets,” as they are also known, came together to keep the weird parliamentary tactic in place. The GOP has responded, since leaving power, by filibustering just about anything and bear-baiting the Democrats into joining a rival Puerto Rican gang that hates the filibuster, which would make them get stabbed with charges of hypocrisy, and also an angry teenager’s knife. Like with just about any legislation, though, the Democrats can’t come up with enough votes on filibuster reform to overcome a filibuster. But there may be ANOTHER OPTION. MORE »

CONDI RICE & ARETHA FRANKLIN, LIVE IN CONCERT: What? Yes, apparently our former sheepish warmonger Condoleezza Rice played piano while Aretha Franklin sang the Battle Hymn of Fallujah. Creepy pictures can be found, of course, at the home of our dearly-departed “Condi Roundup” columnist. [Princess Sparkle Pony]

In response to Glenn Beck’s recent announcement that he’s either going to go blind next year or not, a concerned fan has created a Facebook page called “1,000,000 Prayers for Glenn Beck.” Just to be on the safe side and cover all the bases, you know? Beck’s supporters are leaving all kinds of prayers and messages on the page’s official “wall.” Let’s have a look! MORE »

America’s favorite fictional reality show, A Crazy Lady Somehow Is the Congressperson From Minnesota’s 6th District, continues today with this important episode. It’s all about how “the poor” (Mexicans) say they want “minimum wage” when they probably actually want something more, probably in Spanish. Get your grandparents on the Skype and gather round, ducklings! It’s video time on the Internets! MORE »

Remember when the Beatles played for Barack Obama during the Cuban Missile Crisis last month? The White House has finally released the sordid video from this night of Monarchist anti-Americanism, in which “Sir” Paul McCartney said something rude about George Bush Junior, which is just another example of this so-called White House’s rampant racism. MORE »

If, like confused old ass-clown Richard Cohen at the Washington Post, you’ve never heard of the “WikiLeaks” or the “Internet,” this year’s biggest news story maybe didn’t really hit home. And if there’s a natural constituency of confused old ass-clowns outside the Washington Post’s op-ed page, it’s the U.S. Capitol. That’s why the House decided 308-114 in a rare bipartisan vote to dump another $59 billion of U.S. debt on the lost wars in Afghanistan and Iraq — 108 Democrats and 12 Republicans had the spine to say No to the latest extra check to the Pentagon and its allies in Pakistan, the Taliban. MORE »