Wonkette

We journey to the center of the MoDo in order to discover deep truths about ourselves and the world in which we dwell. In this installment, we learn about the teevee shows and the movie-films that Our Lady of the Bleeding Pulitzer enjoys. Also, there are many references to whores! Is Maureen for ’em or against ’em? Or is it maybe more complex than that, complex enough to pad out a column’s word count? Read on to find out! MORE »

Did you know that the President’s wife has an office? Neither did Politico, until last week, when someone probably wondered aloud, at a staff meeting, “Where does the First Lady go when she’s not shopping or doing other lady things?” And no one knew the answer, so they decided to investigate. They discovered that in addition to soliciting signatures for Barack’s birthday cards and taking vacations down in the Gulf, FLOTUS specializes in home decor. The design experts at Politico have seen the First Lady’s East Wing Office and say, “One thing’s for sure: The space is a far cry from the President’s Oval Office.” Let’s explore Politico’s findings, because what could be more important right now than the First Lady’s competence as an interior decorator? MORE »

Good ol’ Ben Nelson is liberal America’s favorite Democrat to hate, when they aren’t hating semi-Democrat Joe Lieberman for general douchebaggery, or Obama for failing at everything they hoped for him all the time. Well, did you think that maybe Ben Nelson is sick of you guys, too? Tired of all your carping about how he is too conservative, and always not voting for liberal judges, or threatening to vote against major Democratic agenda items? Did you ever think that maybe Ben Nelson is one of these days just going to up and turn Republican? Huh? DID YOU? MORE »

Most of us missed yesterday’s episode of “Fox News Sunday,” because Sunday is the Lord’s Day, the day when you crawl off the couch and dirtbike to church so you can show Jesus the new unregistered semiautomatic you purchased at Walmart. But anyway, back to this Fox News segment: Chris Wallace blurts out something about “the Arab Arizona immigration law,” which is confusing because “Arab” should never be used as a compliment. But that is neither here nor there. The real hot-as-Tim Pawlenty’s-hot-wife scoop is that Sarah Palin was too busy fantasizing about the size of Barack Obama’s genitals to notice that Chris Wallace called Arizona “Arab”. This video is Suitable for Work, but only because Sarah Palin stops herself at the last possible moment from orgasming all over the teevee. MORE »

U.S. District Court Judge Henry E. Hudson refused today to dismiss a lawsuit filed by Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli II, against the federal health-care reform law, so opponents of health care will now have their day in court. “While this case raises a host of complex constitutional issues, all seem to distill to the single question of whether or not Congress has the power to regulate — and tax — a citizen’s decision not to participate in interstate commerce,” Hudson wrote in his opinion, discussing the merit of Bristol and Levi’s big split. So is this the end of health care as we almost knew it? MORE »

Ever since you first learned that Newsweek was being sold, you have wondered: who will buy this money-losing magazine? Will it be someone hilarious, like the Politico or NewsMax? Today, at long last, the answer was revealed, and it is … Sidney Harman, 91-year-old speaker impresario and husband of Congresslady Jane Harman? Sure, why not, we can’t see any conflicts of interest arising from that tie-up! MORE »

For the past few weeks our nation has had hope. Bristol and Levi got back together! That is a leading indicator of decreasing unemployment, somehow, probably! But now those two kids no longer are getting married. It has been reported, with journalism, that Levi’s pregnant ex-girlfriend is not the issue; rather, it’s another ex-girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend with whom Bristol saw Levi in a Facebook photo. What does this mean for Levi’s new job as OMB Director and the future of America itself? We could try to make you wait until after the jump to answer this question, but it’s clear EVERYTHING IS RUINED. MORE »

ACTION ALERT! You may not be aware that there are products and services you are supposed to be boycotting right now, so your Wonkette reporter of homosexuals is here to save the day! Things used to be much simpler, back when the American Family Association was boycotting McDonald’s for their excessive gayness, by leaving hilarious comments on the internet about how their Real ‘Murkan families didn’t NEED no Big Macs, and could just suck their trans fats through a straw, like Jesus taught them in the Bible. However, this summer, things are Complicated, because everybody is boycotting everything, due to Too Many Gays, Not Enough Gays, Gays in France, Lesbian Carpenters, Gays on Skates, and of course, Messicans. So, let’s see if we can help everybody out with a handy guide! MORE »

President Obama has finally decided to end his ill-begotten idea to make war on Iraq, and he will be joining anti-war activist George W. Bush and motivational speaker Sarah Palin on the ol’ public speaking circuit to announce that this Mission is Accomplished. WAIT. To announce that this “Task” is “Finished.” There we go. Wouldn’t want to suggest that this is “Mission Accomplished!” Heh heh. Whew. Listen up, surviving militants and potential zombie militants: The war is pretty much over! So you definitely will not do anything to mess up this peaceful transition of power, correct? MORE »

Lindsey Graham needs to show his “true-blue conservative values,” somehow, what with his well-known gayness and love for Elena Kagan. What better way to do this than to dream up a new way to kick more brown people out of the country? There’s nothing that says “conservative” like changing laws that have been in place since the McKinley Administration. How will Graham defeat the wily Wong Kim Ark, from beyond the grave? MORE »

Oh no you guys, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reports that Michele Bachmann has been felled by a “sudden illness” that required a hospital visit and everything! She even had to cancel a campaign appearance for Missouri Senate candidate Roy Blunt, whose lack of popularity among the 24-Hour Tea Party People is surely unrelated to her “sudden” health woes, so stop being so cynical. For now, Bachmann’s resting at home and
“playing it by ear,” says her spokesperson, the Ghost of Joseph McCarthy. Did she eat some bad “corn syrup/pig-anus grease cake” at a fund-raiser? Or is Nancy Pelosi behind this somehow? MORE »

Ayn seems to have come full circle since our first installment. Like a snake eating its own tail, Ayn is locked in a never-ending struggle to end Socialism forever and also to forever choke on her own vomit. MORE »

NPR REPORTERS WILL NOT HAVE TO WIPE GIBBS-SPITTLE OFF OF THEIR HIPSTER BUDDY HOLLY GLASSES: “Newsertainment” organization Fox has been assigned Helen Thomas’s old front-row seat in the fetid White House press room by the WHCA. This means that they will have the power to set the national agenda, because Robert Gibbs will actually be able to hear the questions they ask. NPR inherits Fox’s second-row seat, and their reporters’ sensible, mellifluous tones will be like so much musical gobbledygook to whomever is standing at the podium, because they will be so far away. Please stop forwarding that one Facebook petition about this, everybody, because it has failed, like every other Facebook petition. (Thanks to the indefatigable chascates for the tip.) [Huffington Post]

Tim Pawlenty’s wife Mary just discovered yet another reason out of a presumably infinite list why it would suck to be married to someone running two years early for a 2012 presidential nomination: because your husband will begin all of his stump speeches by extolling you as an object of sexual desire. Then you will have to step up before the hooting crowd, smile prettily, and say, “Yes, I am quite comely, am I not? I hope to feature in your erotic reveries, tonight!” All so your husband might someday have a shot at getting his paws on the nuclear launch codes. America is vulgar and gross, is what we are trying to say. MORE »

• Remember when Alan Greenspan was in charge of our economies, and everyone parsed his inscrutable utterances to determine whether interest rates were going up or down, or to try to figure out if some key but obscure economic indicator was headed in the right direction? Well, now that he doesn’t have a government job to protect, he’s just up and saying all sorts of crazy things, like “The financial system is broke and I see we just stay where we are … There’s nothing out there that I can see which will alter the level of unemployment.” MORE »

  ---

America’s queen of hearts, Chelsea Clinton, got married today! It’s about time, right? Bristol Palin will probably be on her third or fourth “old man” by the time she’s 30 years old. Anyway, we forgot to cover this wedding of an adult person, even though it is true that her mom is secretary of state and her dad used to have some job in politics or on Wall Street, can’t remember what. Maybe a marketing firm will send us some pictures we can post that have some tangential relationship to the subject of “Chelsea Clinton’s wedding.” MORE »