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Updated throughout the day with quick takes from staff.

Vomiting Phillies Fan Sentenced To One To Three Months In Jail

Remember the rather unsavory tale of Matthew Clemmens, the 21-year-old Phillies fan who ejected his stomach's contents on an off-duty police officer and his daughter at a Phillies game this spring? It's pretty hard to forget, unfortunately.

Clemmens was quickly apprehended and charged with simple assault, disorderly conduct, and harassment, all of which he pled guilty to back in May. His sentencing didn't come until yesterday, though, and according to WCBS, the judge wasn't terribly sympathetic to Clemmens and his attorney:

A New Jersey man has been sentenced to 30 to 90 days for vomiting on another spectator and his 11-year-old daughter in the stands during a Philadelphia Phillies game last spring.

Common Pleas Court Judge Kevin Dougherty also sentenced him Friday to two years of probation and 50 hours of community service to be done at Citizens Bank Park.

Why the harsh sentence? Let's say Clemmens hadn't done himself many favors leading up to the trial.

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MLB Trade Deadline News We Didn't Get To Report

Many a trade happened in the baseball world on Saturday, and we were prepared, since we had previously written up reports on roughly 600,000 possible trade combinations in advance. Needless to say, many of these didn't happen, but we worked so dang hard on them that it'd be a shame not to let some of them see the light of day.

Here are a few.

Albert Pujols Traded To Marlins For Rick Vanden Hurk
On Saturday, the Marlins managed to land Albert Pujols minutes before the trade deadline. This makes sense for both teams involved -- the Cardinals, who find themselves in the thick of a playoff race, shore up some bullpen help, while the Marlins add a consistent bat to their roster. The Cardinals will pay the remainder of Pujols' contract.

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Lionel Messi To Start Oasis Cover Band, Tour With Barcelona Teammate

If you were Lionel Messi, you would be pretty short and really good at soccer. You would also be obsessed enough with Oasis to have mentioned getting the original band back together had Argentina won the World Cup, and to form an Oasis tribute band after the Cup.

The Argentinian World Player Of The Year has revealed he performs as guitarist NOEL GALLAGHER.

Hitman Messi, 23, has also recruited a Barcelona team-mate to play singer LIAM - but won't say who it is yet.

He said: "Our disguise is based on how Oasis looked in the mid-90s. We have our wigs, clothes and glasses sorted."

If you were Messi, you would be pretty awesome. You're not, though, which means there might be a prize in it for you!

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Your Television Loves You: What To Watch On Saturday, July 31

Here's how SB Nation recommends you operate your television set on Saturday, July 31. All times Eastern.

Baseball
4:00, Fox - Braves at Reds, Tigers at Red Sox, or Dodgers at Giants.
8:00, WGN - Cubs at Rockies.

Boxing
9:00, HBO pay-per-view - Juan Manuel Marquez vs. Juan Diaz II.

Golf
3:00, CBS - Round 3 of the Greenbrier Classic.
4:00, NBC - Round 3 of the U.S. Senior Open.

NASCAR
7:30, ESPN2 - The U.S. Cellular 250.

Bad movie
8:00, AMC - Pearl Harbor.

Good movies
5:30, ABC Family - Back to Future, Part III.
7:30, Cartoon Network - Home Alone 2: Lost In New York.

Actual good movie
5:30, BET - Lean on Me.

Hope Floats, starring Harry Connick, Jr.
Hope Floats, starring Harry Connick, Jr. will not be shown today.

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The Wages Of Empire: Miami Heat Fire Their Season Ticket Sales Staff

As a consequence of the Miami Heat acquiring LeBron James and Chris Bosh, the team has fired everyone whose job it is to sell season tickets.

"They let us go because there was really nothing left to do anymore,'' [a] fired staffer said.

It's possible, I think, to feel legitimate sympathy for the 30-something people fired without getting angry at the Heat or LeBron, which some people probably will. There may be jobs for these folks in Cleveland.

But if you insist on blaming LeBron, remember first that he has created precisely 7,777 jobs in the Miami area. Details are after the jump.

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John Salley, Sharing Some Invaluable Advice For NBA Rookies

Can someone please arrange for ex-Pistons star John Salley to be one of the keynote speakers at this year's NBA Rookie Symposium? Without getting too graphic over here, the John Salley Story Corner is pretty fantastic. And really, could you go wrong with any NBA player's "story corner"? Quick sample from today's Salley tale:

So she's at my crib and I'm thinking, "Wow, I pulled this broad all the way from the strip joint"— you know it's kinda hard to get 'em off the pole and down to talkin' with you.

Check out the rest at Deadspin, and remember: Don't kiss 'em. Or, if you do... Chug vinegar?

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Ocho-Cinco And Ocho-Uno: It Begins...

Toandocho_medium

I wasn't sure how to feel about this new union of Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco in Cincinnati. On the one hand, it's sort of unprecedented as a football experiment. On the other, it's the sort of story that could get old before we even reach Week 1. Like, "Did you hear?! TO is calling himself OchoUno now because he's so zany! And so is Chad! They are so, so funny together!"

(slams head into desk)

Then it hit me...

The photo above is a perfect litmus test for how you feel about the new era in sports journalism.

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Matt Garza Thanks Rays Teammates With Bottles Of Whisky

Often, when a player has a particularly outstanding individual performance, he'll buy his teammates a gift. A small token of his appreciation, but even more so, recognition that he could not have accomplished his achievement -- no-hitter, rushing for 2,000 yards, setting an assist record -- without the help of the other guys in the locker room. Usually it's something like a dinner at a high-priced steakhouse, or a luxury watch.

But you can't get tipsy on a Timex or sip on some Seiko.

Enter Matt Garza, and his gift: bottles of Crown Royal Black, each presented in their own personalized embroidered bag.

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North Korean Soccer Coach Is Now A Manual Laborer

After losing to Brazil by a respectable margin of 2-1, North Korea decided to air the DPRK’s next match against Portugal. Portugal then scored seven goals in the most lopsided match of the tourney in front of the horrified eyes of North Koreans. This was all, in hindsight, a very bad idea.

So then you joked. Ha ha ha. North Koreans. I hope they don’t all get sent to labor camps! LOLtotalitarian state humor. Yeah, ha, funny boy. Ha freaking ha.

The entire squad was forced onto a stage at the People’s Palace of Culture and subjected to criticism from Pak Myong-chol, the sports minister, as 400 government officials, students and journalists watched..The team’s coach, Kim Jong-hun, was reportedly forced to become a builder and has been expelled from the Workers’ Party of Korea.

Attention Bill Simmons: this is a fanbase that cares, not Boston’s. Until Terry Francona has to pour concrete after missing the playoffs, no one denies the truth of this statement. Added bonus fun: the North Korean propagandabots who will argue with me on Twitter that this is false, and they all got cake in the end.

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Padres, Cardinals, Indians Complete Three-Way Trade Involving Ryan Ludwick, Jake Westbrook

ST. LOUIS - MAY 18:  Ryan Ludwick #47 of the St. Louis Cardinals rounds third base after hitting a game-winning homerun against the Washington Nationals at Busch Stadium on May 18, 2010 in St. Louis, Missouri.  The Cardinals beat the Nationals 3-2.  (Photo by Dilip Vishwanat/Getty Images)

The trade deadline has passed, and the biggest splash of the day was made by the Padres, Cardinals, and Indians. We have the details here.

+ 3 updates since 12:15p  comments 2

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